Somehow, I ended up bringing up some of my concerns to Minx. I didn’t mean to, ’cause I know most of his brain power is being used to freak out about his job situation and there’s not much left for dealing with other things. But I guess I blurted something out and it led to a bit of a discussion. The salient points are as follows:
1) I’ve been wanting more outside activity (more partners, and also maybe to start going further with them than just fully-clothed making out) but haven’t said so.
2) I haven’t said so because I’ve been assuming that Minx would feel threatened or resentful if I continued adding boys to my harem while he still had no outside partners of his own.
3) I also worry that if Minx does widen our parameters, he’ll use this to justify moving scary-fast when he eventually does find someone he’s into (“Oh, sorry, I assumed it was okay for me to spontaneously sleep with this girl I just met ’cause you have a guy that you sleep with.”)
4) I miss BDSM and Minx isn’t up for doing the kinds of things I want to do – which is totally his prerogative and I’m not judging him – but I’d like to find someone I can do those things with.
Minx told me upfront that he frankly doesn’t have the energy to discuss these things too much right now, but he said he doesn’t mind if I pursue more guys and he promises that if he ever finds a girl he likes he’ll stick with fully-clothed makeouts for a while until I get comfortable with the idea, just like I did with The Pedant, regardless of what debauchery I may be up to by then. So, I no longer feel so much like I have to hold myself in check until Minx catches up. Yay!
And I reassured him (though he didn’t seem to need reassurance) that I’m only really craving makeouts, not a second relationship or anything; this craving of mine is way more physical than emotional (he said “Yeah, I can tell by how often you comment that some random boy is hot…you’re like a kid in a candy store!”). And I told him I’m mostly too lazy and cynical to seriously go out looking for new people (if I could make hot, respectful, fun submissive boys materialize out of thin air, I would, but the process of finding them from scratch is irritating and arduous) so it’s not like I’m gonna start scouring Craigslist for new recruits or anything. I did ask if I could hit on one of The Pedant’s hot friends* and Minx said to go for it.
Minx told me something I hadn’t realized before: he said that if I’d wanted our relationship to be monogamous from the getgo, he might not have gone out with me. He’d broken off a long-term relationship just eight weeks before we met, and didn’t want to feel nailed down any time soon. But when – a month or so into being in an “open” relationship – I realized I wasn’t ready to be poly and asked him to just be with me, he was okay with it. He didn’t feel trapped or anything. So that’s good. And he definitely loves the freedom of our current monogamish arrangement, even if he doesn’t currently take advantage of it per se.
We talked a little bit about our differing views on outside activity – how for me it’s more of a flight of fancy (“He’s cute! I wonder how he’d kiss?”) whereas Minx is very slow and cautious and wants to really, really like a girl before he pursues her**. In fact, Minx says he’s so cautious and shy that he might not pursue someone even if he does like them. I told him, not for the first time, that if he ever wants someone (and I approve of her), I’m more than happy to help hook them up. I know most chicks probably don’t believe it when a guy claims to be in an “open relationship” so I’m prepared to step in and confirm it.
Minx and I also agreed that our lives are too complicated right now to be adding more people – but that as far as BDSM goes, he’s still curious about having a cute crossdressing houseboy come in and do our dishes on a regular basis (the houseboy dynamic is not my first choice when it comes to subs, but it could be fun. And hey, clean dishes!). My Fetlife profile does in fact mention that he and I want a houseboy, but since I’m not especially active on Fetlife (and don’t have any photos of my tits posted) nobody’s ever gonna see it. Minx says that when we’re a bit more sorted out (which probably mostly means “when Minx gets a job”) he’d be up for pursuing and auditioning houseboys more aggressively, like with a Craigslist ad or something. I am intrigued by this plan.
*We went to The Pedant’s birthday dinner a while back and one of the guys there was a dead ringer for someone I had a huuuuuge crush on when I was around 25…same face, same voice…except this boy is more goth/alternative-looking and, unlike that old crush, is still in his 20s. ROWR. I might ask The Pedant to try to hook me up with this guy…it’ll be interesting to see how he reacts. The Pedant, btw, expresses interest in every chick friend I ever mention in conversation, so he has this coming. 😀
** I find it vaguely disconcerting that whenever we’re talking about our monogamish arrangement, Minx refers to “seeing other people” or “having other relationships” – for instance, today when I was asking how many guys I’d have to have on the side before he started to feel kinda freaked out, he said “Well, I’ve heard that anyone who’s poly and has a career shouldn’t have more than three relationships because otherwise there’s not enough time for everyone.” I quickly pointed out that I’m not talking about relationships, I’m talking more like “sporadic friends with benefits.” Later on, Minx spoke of not wanting to start “seeing anyone” until his life is more on track, and again his wording irked me slightly (I’ll talk to him about this at some point, I promise!). Arguably, though, this is just a difference of semantics; the fact remains that I have a boy I’ve been hanging out with and making out with for almost a year now. By most people’s standards, The Pedant and I are “seeing each other.”
hiding in plain sight 