Tag Archives: The Pedant


Had one of my rent-a-suite-in-my-building-and-fuck-The-Pedant visits recently. It was good. 😀

I mean yeah he was six hours later than he said he’d be but after that it was good.

Allegedly, the issue this time is that work suddenly needed him to be on a conference call that afternoon and it ran long. While The Pedant was waiting for it to start, he decided to surprise me by trimming his pubes. I’ve grown to like his ridiculous amounts of body hair but despite me telling him this plenty, he still thinks I prefer hairless twinks like I did when we first hooked up. So he trimmed his pubes – the first time he’s ever touched any of the hair below his neck. I’m pleased that he would do this for me (even though I was no longer interested in it) and actually it looked pretty neat. I like variety, and this did make his crotch look very different, so yay.

More importantly, he could feel my touch more clearly. I lightly scritched all around the base of his cock and it made him moan like crazy. Nice. 😀

The Pedant is always obsessing on the idea of me leashing him, and I finally got around to it that first night. I didn’t end up leading him around, especially; I put his collar on, clipped his leash on, used it to pull him close for more kisses, then sat on the couch (with a towel on it because I was naked), slung the leash under one thigh, and yanked the end of it so his face more-or-less got pulled to my crotch. I love his enthusiasm when he goes down on me but it tends to involve a lot of saliva so note to self: don’t ever again try to kiss him soon afterward. His beard was sopping wet like a sponge. Pleh.

What fascinates me about The Pedant is that he’s such a huge germaphobe but when it comes to sexual fluids he’s not fazed at all. He’ll happily get his face covered in my juices, and last time I saw him I fed him some of his own pre-cum and he allowed that, too (he wasn’t as enthusiastic about it as if I’d dipped my finger into my own wetness, but he did let me. And, oddly, when I wet my finger on the tip of his cock and then circle the fingertip on one of his nipples it makes him insannnnnne).

Eventually I bent him over the couch so I could finger-fuck his ass. Before I hauled out the glove and lube, though, I fetched our gag with the silicone ball that goes in his mouth. I stood next to him and put one foot ostentatiously up on the back of the couch so he’d be drawn to look over and see me running the silicone part of the gag through my labia to coat it with all the wetness his oral sexing had elicited. Then I shoved the gag in his mouth and fastened the strap (he’d mentioned before that this would be hot).

I didn’t mean to use him up so soon but it was so much fun burying my finger in his ass and reaching through his legs to touch that silky, pretty cock of his that I ended up making him come (on my towel that was still there). Didn’t seem like too intense of a climax, although maybe it’s just that his sounds were muffled by the gag. I’d make up for it the next day.

More later.


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Three brief sex stories

The other night, when The Dandy’s mom was over so she had our room and we were in Dandette’s room and Dandette was on the couch – the night The Dandy and I had all that great talking – at one point he suddenly and decisively yanked down his boxer briefs, grabbed my hand, and put it on his dick. “Do you have some tension that needs releasing?” I murmured, just on the off chance that he was offering himself up for groping but not specifically wanting to come. He whispered back “always” so I gave him a hand job. Afterward, I asked him “Why do you think hand jobs work for you now when they didn’t used to?”

“Different operator,” The Dandy said dryly, meaning that I’m just better at it than Dandette is. Which is sweet and flattering and I think he really did believe it when he said it, but…

“But you also said that blow jobs have started working for you, and that’s Dandette doing those,” I pointed out.

The Dandy said “Oh. Yeah. I dunno” and brought up some theories that I wish to hell I could remember now but I can’t. I think we came to the conclusion, ultimately, that he’s just able to focus really hard on coming and get there even though she’s not great at listening to instructions and reading signals. He’s told me before that she tends to be too rough with his cock and to overstimulate him, and that with me he feels listened to and seen more than with anyone else before. I pay attention. I read him. I get innovative based on things I’ve noticed he likes.

Second story: the day I checked out of the suite where The Pedant and I had our two-night romp, I was scheduled to work. But when I got there it turned out they’d double-booked me. I was tired anyway and said I’d give the shift to the other person and just go home. I knew Dandette had a model shift and wouldn’t be home for hours, and I was still feeling like a giant horndog despite all the Pedant sex, so basically I came home and accosted The Dandy right away: “LET’S FUCK WHILE WE HAVE A CHANCE.”

And we did – for a short while. Then he got overstimulated or lost his erection or maybe I just wanted to take a break and have an orgasm of my own before focusing back on his, so I lay on my back beside him and whipped out The Hitachi. The Dandy took off the condom and started stroking his now-limp cock back to being hard, which was super fun to watch. “I want to feel you come inside me” I said, staring and Hitachi-ing and staring some more. I was having a hard time coming for whatever reason and then suddenly The Dandy squirmed and bucked and came, himself. Which was also fun to watch and totally triggered my own orgasm but dude didn’t I just say I wanted you to come inside me? That wasn’t just idle talk, that was me planning what I wanted to do next.

Anyway. I’ll admit that one other reason I wanted sex with The Dandy is reassurance. I think he sees me as a way better partner to him than Dandette, but with me harping on him to break up with her all the time, maybe not; maybe I make him feel pressured. And I’d just spent a day and two nights away from him and was worried that instead of missing me, he’d be kind of relieved I was gone. I also worried that Dandette would make a move on him and he’d be too chickenshit to tell her no. At this point in time if the two of them fucked I’d be incredibly angry and jealous.

I never did specifically ask if the two of them did anything sexual; it’s my long-standing policy not to ask a question unless I’m gonna be okay with whatever answer I’m given. But after our sexual interlud I did ask, in a sort of facetious voice, if The Dandy had missed me. He said yes, but also he’d taken a lot of advantage of all the alone-time and that had been nice. “Alone time?” I asked. He said yeah, Dandette was mostly out of the house buying stuff for Xmas dinner the day I was gone, so he had the apartment to himself for a long stretch. He implied that he’d done a lot of jerking off, and – get this – told me he’d actually jerked off an hour before I got home (after Dandette left for her model shift).

So that’s why he was having trouble having sex with me and could only come from pretty vigorous self-stimulation; he was just about running on empty. God, I love his low refractory period. It’s one of the main reasons I ever felt okay sharing him with Dandette in the first place; I knew she wouldn’t make a significant dent in how much sex I’d have with him.

Third story: tonight The Dandy and I had sex even though Dandette is home. I feel uncomfortable doing that (and The Dandy claims that he does, too, but TBH I don’t think he’s nearly as weird about it as I am; he’s silent like a ninja when he fucks/jerks off/comes. I’m the one with the jet-engine vibrator that’s the only way I can get off. I’m the one she actually hears) but I also resent having to structure this huge part of my relationship around someone who’s not in it. I also pointed out to The Dandy that maybe if Dandette hears us having all the sex, it’ll force a conversation. He’s allegedly wary of starting a breakup talk with her in case he chooses his moment wrong and triggers a meltdown; well, if he keeps on strategically avoiding sex with Dandette and it becomes very obvious that he is having sex with me, I’m betting eventually she’ll confront him over that, which means she’s as ready to have that talk as she’ll ever be.

I don’t know if that’s why The Dandy initiated sex with me or if he was just so in the mood that he couldn’t wait. All I know is that I had him give me a foot-and-leg massage with some of my new moisturizer and when he stopped, I asked if he could possibly rub my feet just a little more, and he said his hands were tired so he’d have to figure out another method – and then stripped naked, waggled his penis at me, and got on the bed next to me. I don’t even…was he joking that he’d rub my feet with his dick? Did rubbing my feet turn him on? Was he just randomly horny and making an awkward segue? I don’t even know.

I’m a little annoyed at how often The Dandy initiates sex via what I can do for him rather than vice-versa. Like…he’s already in the mood. He doesn’t know if I am. So how about trying to get me in the mood by kissing and touching me instead of always just showing me his dick like “it’s go time!”? I do legit have a fetish/kink for his cock, so maybe he thinks letting me look at and touch it is gonna be enough to rev me up. But that’s not usually how it works for me. Or at least it’s not how I want things to go every single damn time.

This is the great thing about being poly; it helps me realize when something’s missing in a relationship because I have a basis for comparison. If The Dandy was my only partner, I’d get used to the somewhat utilitarian sex that started off with him essentially announcing he was horny, followed by me doing stuff to his penis until he got hard if he wasn’t already, then putting on a condom and applying a bunch of lube and putting him inside me, then him helping me get off after he was done. But I fucked The Pedant recently and it was just so much more gloriously organic, with kissing and touching until sex became a thing my body needed, not an idea my brain had. By the time I put The Pedant inside me I was so aroused that I’d left a wet spot on his thigh that I’d been straddling. Now, a lot of that arousal came from The Pedant being so responsive and making such hot sounds when I touched him, and The Dandy isn’t a moaner, so that can’t be replicated. But the increased kissing and touching can.

One thing I do like is that when The Dandy helps me get off (typically, he thrusts my dildo inside me while I use the Hitachi on my clit) he doesn’t stop after one orgasm. He seems content to keep going for as long as I want. So this reassures me a lot that he does actually like getting me off, even if he’s been a  pretty huge slacker in the foreplay department.


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Pedant time

The Pedant and I once again rented a guest suite in my building, this time for two days. And he says he’d like to do it again in January, and hopefully every month or two going forward, which would be lovely. Although I’d like to see him in between epic sexings, too. It feels a bit too much like we’re just fucking rather than in a relationship; he doesn’t contact me much between sex-visits. Or maybe that’s me not initiating and he’s following my lead. I do love him and I believe he loves me (although, infuriatingly, he hasn’t said it to me since the last time he broke up with me).

I’ve been pretty pent up about the drama with The Dandy and Dandette – the fall-out of Drunken Horror Night and me pushing him to give her the boot and everything – so pretty much as soon as The Pedant arrived at our suite I vented to him for a bit. God, I adore him. He gets me. He sides with me unequivocally when I have issues with people (like to the point of making snide remarks about killing whoever’s bugging me), which I need sometimes – it’s just nice to revel in someone being absolutely one hundred percent pro-me and anti-everyone else. He gives good advice. He calms me down.

After I vented and he talked me down a bit he reminded me that he does have a hard time parsing emotional stuff and that in future it would help an awful lot if I could slow down and not be talking a hundred miles a minute because it takes a lot of energy and effort for him to follow everything. I don’t know if I can actually do that when I’m anxious but I do love that he told me in simple, straightforward terms what he needs from me, and that he did put forth the effort to try to keep up with me instead of just saying “Yeah I can’t deal with this. Don’t talk to me until you’ve calmed down.”

Later, lying in bed with The Pedant, I expressed worry that The Dandy won’t have the guts to oust Dandette anytime soon and I’ll lose my patience and have to bail on the relationship. I don’t want to have to leave; I love him. But there’s only so much I can take. “Well, if that happens, you’ll still have me,” The Pedant said. “I know I’m not in a position to financially support you like The Dandy is, but…” This feels like as much of a statement of commitment to me as The Pedant has ever given me. I stroked the side of his face and assured him that he is indeed important to me and I’m glad I have him.

I’m still marveling at how much less selfish The Pedant is with sexual/physical stuff these days. I don’t know what the hell happened. But he got me off several times over the course of our time together, gave me a long and excellent foot massage where he followed directions and didn’t ask “so, feeling better now?” every five seconds, and spent lots of time petting me. Also he unpacked my stuff and laid it out in logical places without me asking him to, but he’s been doing little acts of service like that for years now. I told him a while ago that if he ever wanted to be my submissive outside the bedroom as well as in it, I would welcome this. TBH it’s seemed as though he was drifting in the direction of being my service sub for a long time now but just not calling it what it is. I guess he’s still not ready because he hasn’t followed up on that conversation. But it took years for us just to get to the point of him openly submitting to me sexually, so we’ll see.

Sigh. I’m probably jumping the gun here in a major way but I totes just texted The Pedant asking if he might agree to wearing an Eternity wrist cuff (with me keeping custody of the tool that removes it). I expect he’ll say no, because it might be an awkward thing to explain to his live-in girlfriend and it might feel a bit too much like openly declaring him my sub. But he reacted so well to the idea of an anklet that you never know.

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The Transcript

So here’s the text conversation I had with The Pedant shortly after he, his girlfriend Raver Chick and I had dinner together. (I hadn’t asked the purpose of the meeting before because if he’d said any version of “it’s so she can judge you” I would not have been able to act normal whatsoever. So I kinda went LALALALALA inside my head and blanked out those fears and then asked him after.)

Me: So, RaverChick is awesome. Not that you need anyone else to inform you of this. But can I just ask…the idea of her meeting me or vice-versa seemed like A Thing for you. A mission to complete. Why? For what purpose?

Pedant: She doesn’t do “solo poly” and has made a point of introducing me to the one other woman she’s dating. I decided I should reciprocate.

Me: So what’s the significance for her of people knowing each other?

Pedant: I’m not entirely sure what the significance of people knowing each other is to her, but I suspect it has to do with not wanting any secrets and wanting to be able to address any potential upset before it becomes drama. Both of those have been issues with past partners.

Me: [Typing at the same time as The Pedant was, not having gotten his previous message yet] Like I guess for me it’s interesting to meet metamours but to NEED to meet them would imply an audition of some sort, to me. Like I was needing to approve of them. And if I didn’t approve…then what? Veto? I don’t believe in veto power, hence I don’t insist on meeting metamours. Not in any big formal way. [New message responding to his last one that I just got:] I can relate to the not keeping secrets. I mean if The Dandy started dating someone outside of our weird little home-cult and he seemed to be deliberately hiding her, it would bug me, too. Even if I knew all about her existence. Because for one thing, so many people claim they’re fine with poly but when faced with an actual flesh and blood metamour they freak out. …This is RaverChick’s first time meeting a metamour, yes? Was it terribly weird for her? I suppose I have concerns that she was fine with me in theory but now that I’m a real person who’s gonna bang her boy, she’ll object.

Pedant: As I said, she had a former partner who wasn’t honest with her and she doesn’t do solo poly. She’s also really enthusiastic to have an actual poly relationship after spending the last decade wanting one and not getting it. Meeting her partners’ partners is an important part of the lifestyle (particularly in regards to openly communicating) as far as she’s concerned. This was her first time doing so and it wasn’t weird for her at all. Frankly, she went through some trouble to make sure you were comfortable (including giving you the seat next to me at the restaurant) and she’s quite happy to be at the stage of meeting partners’ partners. She hasn’t expressed any objections and your concerns are unexpected from where I’m sitting.

Me: The last time you had another partner you really liked, you bailed on me unexpectedly right after sex to go be monogamous with her and let me believe it was her idea to be exclusive. Soooo that would be where my concerns come from.

Pedant: The last time was not after over a year of seeing the person in question. 😛

Me: Yeah. But it’s her first poly relationship and if meeting me had made her freak out and tell you to sever ties…I guess I’m not sure she’d say no. Has it been over a year already?

Pedant: It was a year on September 17th. It’s her first but she’s done enough reading and spent enough time with the poly crowd to know what she’s doing. I wouldn’t worry if I were you, not least because if she did ask me to sever ties she’d be breaking our deal and would have to give up the girlfriend she’s got. 😛

Me: What I’d like to hear though is that if (in a parallel universe where she’s less awesome) RaverChick said she’d rather you stopped seeing me, you’d object – and you’d do so on the grounds that you WANT TO KEEP ME.

[I sent that at maybe 9pm. The Pedant didn’t respond. The next day he still hadn’t responded. So at around noon I added clarification, in case he didn’t get my point or had simply forgotten to respond and the new notification would remind him:]

Me: Like as opposed to reassuring me “oh, don’t worry, my gf would never ask for that” like it’s the only reason you’re still here.

Pedant: …shouldn’t that be self evident at this point?

[For fuck’s sake, how could it be? The last time he had a serious relationship he LEFT me, and he hasn’t had another serious relationship until now. And now, when I’m asking for reassurance, his reassurance has been: “RaverChick and I have been together over a year now”(???) and “she won’t ask me to dump you because then she’d have to dump her girlfriend.” HOW IS THAT ACTUALLY SUPPOSED TO REASSURE ME?!? IT STILL IMPLIES THAT THE ONLY REASON HE HASN’T LEFT IS BECAUSE SHE HASN’T TOLD HIM TO!]


Pedant: [Facepalm emoticon] You were able to seduce me when I came over to help you figure out packing up your old place at the end of last year, and rekindled the relationship with very little effort. Since then I’ve explained to you that you’ve been able to seduce me into actively wanting things from you which I’d previously not wanted. It should be obvious at this point that I do want you. [Okay that’s nice but not actually the point. I know he likes fucking me. What I don’t know is whether he likes it, or me, enough to want to be with me even when he’s in love with someone else. But oh, wait, he sent a new message:] And, yes, in some Sliders-style parallel universe where RaverChick is a neurotic and insecure mess who demands I stop seeing you, I would object because I do want to keep you.

Me: …There it is. Thank you.

Pedant: I have no idea why you wanted to hear that so insistently but you’re welcome anyway.

[Really, Pedant? You don’t know why I needed to hear that you won’t give me up for someone else, when the last time you loved someone else, you…gave me up for her? Which I explicitly told you is what’s worrying me now? Okay then.]

[On another note, it’s both hot and annoying that he keeps referring to me as “seducing” him. Hot because I can pretend that I’m just so sexy and domly that I can persuade him into doing things he doesn’t want. Annoying because in real life I don’t WANT to persuade him (or anyone) into stuff he doesn’t want, and in fact I’m certain that’s not what happens, with him. Him wanting to fuck me but not knowing if it would be welcome until I make a move on him is not “seduction.” Me telling him I’d like to play with his ass and then backing off to let him think about it for a few months and eventually he returns to the idea of his own accord because he’s curious is also not “seduction.” But it seems like he needs to believe that everything is my idea and never his, so whatevs.]


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Last night was The Dandy’s work Christmas party. A couple of months ago when he first knew the date of it, he asked if Dandette and I wanted to go. She was pretty delighted about the idea, I’m guessing in large part because she loves showing off our unconventional “family”. Being all “look how I’m here with my boyfriend and his other girlfriend, everyone! WE’RE SO PROGRESSIVE AND INTERESTING” seems like an extension of her exhibitionism. I cautiously said yes but was worried because some days I’m up for dealing with people and some days I’m not and it’s not something I can predict in advance – and this party required The Dandy to RSVP (or…purchase tickets, or something?) well in advance. I didn’t want to have a slot reserved for me and then not want to use it.

But The Dandy ended up not RSVPing or buying a ticket or whatever for anyone but himself. Privately, he told me it’s because Dandette a) often has anxiety attacks during big social outings, and kind of makes a spectacle of herself and b) would almost certainly not be able to abstain from drinking, since there’d be tons of booze circulating at this thing, and when she’s drunk she also makes a spectacle of herself. Taking just me would be way too hurtful and exclusionary (he didn’t say that part but it’s just obvious) so he opted for going alone.

I didn’t especially care about not going. It would have in some ways made my relationship with The Dandy feel more official (I haven’t really met any of his friends. He’s not keeping me a secret, he just tends to see his friends at gigantic group gatherings where I know I’d be miserable, so I stay home), and I haven’t had a chance to dress up in a while, but meh.

Dandette, apparently, was crushed over not going. Like to a point of crying over it. My first, highly uncharitable thought was that she was looking forward to an excuse to drink. The Dandy thinks it’s something else. Maybe it is.

So anyway, he went to the party last night and meanwhile The Pedant asked me if I wanted to come to dinner with him and his live-in gf, whom I’ve never met, so I did that. Once I was out I suddenly wondered if Dandette would take advantage of the empty house to have “just a drink or two” – which would of course spiral until she was shitfaced. I purposely stayed out as late as possible to try to make sure The Dandy was home from his party by then so I wouldn’t be alone with Dandette, just in case.

The Pedant’s gf is great. We got along well and I’m glad I met her – especially because I’d been wondering what the hell made her the one that The Pedant shacked up with and “saw a future with” and not me. The Pedant is…difficult to like, in some ways. Many people have tried and failed. And yet I do like him, and understand him fairly well and actively enjoy some parts of his personality that others have mostly hated and run away from. And yet he’s had two women in the past few years – OtherGirl from a couple years ago and now this one, I guess we’ll call her Raver Chick – whom he immediately acted like they “got” him like nobody else and he “saw a future” with them and wanted to move in with them and blah blah blah. Like wtf am I, chopped liver?

OtherGirl promptly broke up with The Pedant for exactly the same reasons most people have, so apparently she didn’t “get” him that well, after all. But Raver Chick actually moved in with him. Things haven’t fucked up yet. And I couldn’t help wondering just how miraculously amazingly different from the rest of humanity this chick is, to have been willing to do that and for him to still be so into her.

Welp, she’s not actually superhuman. The two of us are a lot alike, actually, and it looks like The Pedant annoys her for all the same reasons he annoys me. We bonded over it a bit. So I’m choosing to believe that my pet theory is correct: that I “get” The Pedant and have as much future potential as anyone else he’s dated – probably the only reason he didn’t offer to move in with me because I have cats and he’s really allergic. (Seriously, as soon as The Pedant became attached to a woman, he’d start planning cohabitation. Happened with OtherGirl, happened with a longtime casual-ish partner who was about to move into her own place and needed a roommate, happened with Raver Chick. Dude just wanted a set of human training wheels to help him escape his parents, I think).

So it was comforting to realize that Raver Chick is really just a normal person, after all.

But also, meeting her made her real to me, not theoretical. The three of us had dinner and that was enough fun that we went for coffee after and then they had to stop into the nearby grocery store so I tagged along for that, and at one point it fully hit me that this is the woman The Pedant has condomless sex now. He rescinded my bareback privileges expressly so he could give them to her. And they live together. So in every sense of the word, she can pretty much fuck him whenever she wants – he’s usually around and she doesn’t have to orchestrate sex around whether the condom stash is replenished and nearby. She gets that freedom and intimacy with him. I don’t.

Also, in the grocery store he was playfully antagonizing her and she started getting possibly genuinely annoyed and I heard him quietly comfort her by murmuring “I love you.”


How many times am I going to date a guy who doesn’t say “I love you” back and I think to myself “well, I guess he’s just kind of closed off and has a hard time expressing myself. But he feels it! I know he does!” but then a few years later he has a gf he says it to all the time and I realize oh, no, it’s just me. He didn’t love me.

Okay fine that’s not really what it is with The Pedant. He did tell me “the feelings are being reciprocated” when I told him I loved him. And a couple of years later he said the actual words to me as he was breaking up with me. So he had the feelings, I guess. But why is he so free with saying them to her and he never was with me?

The Bunny is the other person I’m thinking of right now. I told him I loved him, he deflected, I internally made excuses for him, but now he has a gf he’s posting pics of all over his Fetlife feed and writing captions about how much he loves her for all to see. Godfuckingdammit.

And there’s The Dandy, who left me hanging when I said “I love you” for the first time; he smirked about how he already knew that and then kind of added “Uh don’t worry it’s mutual” as an afterthought. WHAT IS WITH THIS PATTERN THOUGH.

I should mention however that The Dandy has been better at saying “I love you” lately. Perversely, it’s telling him I don’t need to hear it back (not always, anyway) that seems to have done it. Used to be if I said the words to him he’d say them back but sound like he was choking or something. Now he responds much more easily. And the other night in a fit of insecurity I asked him to tell me a mushy thing (“And if you say the name of an item with a squishy texture I am coming right over this table at you“) and he said “I love you and I want to keep you.”

Anyway. Meeting Raver Chick seemed to be A Thing for The Pedant, and he never asked me to meet anyone else he was dating (not even OtherGirl, the last one he was all in love with n shit, so it’s not a matter of how important the relationship is), so I assumed it was Raver Chick who wanted this. Which put me on edge a bit because was the evening some kind of audition, or…? She’s never been in a nonmonogamous relationship before; would meeting me make me real to her and she’d suddenly have a fit of jealousy, in the way that I suddenly had one when I met her and thought about the no-condoms thing? Would she tell The Pedant to stop seeing me? Because the thing is if she did that, I suspect he would. I don’t have a lot of faith in him asserting himself and fighting to keep me. I never fully acknowledged that to myself until now. It’s depressing as fuck. I love a man who would drop me if his other partner asked him to – or at least it really, really seems that way.

We had a text convo about this earlier today – once the big meet was over I finally felt comfortable asking what the purpose of it had been, I guess. I’ll probably do a transcript post sometime soon but the gist is that Raver Chick believes in honesty and transparency in poly, and for her this includes meeting metamours. It wasn’t an audition and she’s not looking to veto. But I kind of tried to make The Pedant tell me he wouldn’t let me go if she did ask, and…he hasn’t responded. Possibly just because he’s at work right  now and doesn’t have time? We’ll see.

He and I are supposed to rent a guest suite and have all the sex next week and I don’t love that this is hanging over my head in the meantime. Feeling expendable is a bit of a boner killer.

Meanwhile, I got home from dinner etc last night to find that The Dandy was not only home from his party, but asleep in bed already. All week long he’s been coming to bed at 3am or later despite me asking him to please please please join me earlier for snuggles, and now I come home at 1:30am and he’s asleep so I still end up lonely and snuggle-less. Fucccck.

Dandette, however, was still awake, and told me that The Dandy would be taking her on a date the next day (today). Which, I mean…The Dandy told me just recently that he doesn’t want to be dating her anymore, and I observed to him that Dandette is seeming pretty platonic with him as well, like maybe she senses that there’s not really a romantic relationship there anymore. But now this is happening. It feels mixed-message-y and also makes me jealous, especially since I was already feeling pretty wickedly second-place to The Pedant at the moment. Dandette said he was probably trying to make up for the Christmas party thing, which makes sense.

The Dandy woke up, temporarily, as I was lying next to him trying to fall asleep. I told him about my Pedant angst and especially how much it hurt to see him say “I love you” to someone else so freely when he didn’t with me.

The Dandy gathered me to his chest and said “Well, I love you.” Which actually is probably the first time he’s ever said that unprovoked. So that’s something.

And I fell asleep in his arms and it was nice.

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So often, in relationships, I get resentful because I’m willing to do things for the other person that they won’t do for me. Telling them that I want them to do the things doesn’t generally work, so clearly the solution to the imbalances is to fix them from my side – to stop going out of my way for partners and operate on pure selfishness.* I might still be lacking some things I want from partners, but removing that resentment factor would make things so much better. And honestly, I’ve observed that a lot of the time when a woman stops trying with a guy, he panics and thinks he’s losing her and he picks up the slack. Most women I’ve ever seen who have adoring, kiss-ass husbands or boyfriends are women who are kind of mercenary in their dealings; women who just don’t give a fuck.

On the other hand, I do a lot of emotional labour along the lines of ferretting out what’s upsetting a partner and orchestrating how to fix it; emotional shit that I don’t think my guys have any idea how to do. They couldn’t pick up that slack even if they wanted to, or at least not quickly enough, so the relationships would likely die for that reason.

But I’m fascinated with the idea of just doing whatever I want without thinking much about another person’s feelings, as it often feels like men do. I bet it’d be neat to just act entirely according to my desires without overthinking anything. I’m so used to automatically thinking about other people that it’s hard to imagine what being selfish would even look like. I’m gonna try to visualize it now, just for fun.

Situation #1: The Pedant and his chronic lateness. I’m forever making plans with him and adhering to our agreed-upon timeline, even if it means waking up far earlier than I wanted to – and he almost invariably ends up being hours late. And he doesn’t even tell me upfront “yeah sorry let’s get together six hours from now instead of now.” He texts me “whoops, just a little longer” forty times so I’m always thinking he’s about to show up so I can’t take a nap.

Admittedly, part of the reason I get so tied in knots over his lateness is that I worry that if I did fall asleep or run an errand while waiting for him, he’d text me a few times but then give up and go home and I wouldn’t get to see him at all. So I’d have to not only be selfish in order to change the script here, I’d also have to not care so much about seeing him. But if I could accomplish all that, imagine the text conversations:

Me: Whoops, sorry I’m getting in touch with you five hours after we’d agreed to meet up. I had a late night last night and I ended up sleeping in. But I’m awake now and ready for you to come over.


Pedant: Okay I’m finally here.

Me: Oh I actually got tired of waiting so I’m at [mall half an hour away]. If you could just wait at my door for me to finish shopping and get back, that’d be great.


Pedant: Okay I’m finally here.

Me (an hour later): Oh sorry I was watching a movie and got caught up in it and forgot to check my phone. You can come up now.


Pedant: Okay I’m finally here.

Me: Oh awesome! Hold on, I’ll be down to let you in. [Ten minutes later] Sorry, I was naked when you first texted and I’ve been trying to decide what to wear. I’ve picked an outfit and will be down in five minutes. [Ten minutes later] Yeah I can’t find my keys and I don’t want to leave the apartment unlocked with nobody in it. Bear with me. [Ten minutes later] It’s looking more like I’ll be down in half an hour. [An hour later]  Sorry, something came up. Totally heading to the elevator any minute, though! [Fifteen minutes later] Okay I’m on my way for real now.

I’m not suggesting that I contrive to do any of these things on purpose just to fuck with him, mind you. I’m saying that right now, I do force myself to wake up for plans with The Pedant even if I’ve had practically no sleep; I do forego errands and shopping and stuff because I want to be here when he arrives; I do try to watch movies while waiting but can’t concentrate because I’m constantly checking my phone in case he’s texted to say that he’s here; I have gone to let him in wearing a hasty selection of random floor-clothes and no bra because I was naked when he arrived and didn’t want to keep him waiting. And I’d love to be able to let go of all of that and just live my life according to my desires. I think if I did, I’d feel a lot less resentful over his lateness because it wasn’t causing me to lose out on anything like it does now.

Situation #2: The Dandy’s sexual selfishness. Apparently, he won’t give his partners orgasms unless they specifically tell him to; not even if he’s just had intercourse with someone that left them all turned on and stuff. Often he’ll approach intercourse (with me, anyway) as just another utilitarian means of getting off, heaving himself onto me and thrusting mechanically until he’s done – no eye contact or kissing, no varying his moves and seeing what makes me react the most, nothing. Also usually his default is no foreplay particularly (unless you count me kissing and licking his cock) – if I specifically ask him to pet me, he’ll do so in a perfunctory fashion and without any sort of focus on my responses. Also, no cunnilingus ever, allegedly because he was traumatized by an ex’s terrible smell, but I think he just plain doesn’t feel like it: he says he doesn’t hate the act and that I smell fine and yet.

If I were able to live life according to my own whims, without being overly concerned about other people, I could:

  • Kiss and lick The Dandy’s cock for as long as I wanted, in the way I like, and then just stop when I’ve had enough. (As it stands, the stuff I do to indulge my foreskin fetish is enough stimulation to turn him on sometimes but not enough to get him off, so if he gets erect while I’m doing it I start to feel bad about getting him all riled up and not following through, so eventually I’ll switch to jerking him off even though that doesn’t particularly ring my bell and I really just want to keep aimlessly kissing the tip of his cock.)
  • Stop sexual activity the moment I got bored. If we’re doing PIV and he hasn’t come? Meh, whatever, I’m satisfied. Goodnight! …But of course, if he then took my hand and put it on his cock, I’d take the hint and jerk him off. I mean I’m not a monster. I’m just not bothering to assume that his orgasm has to be an integral part of our bedroom shenanigans.
  • Announce that I want PIV and if The Dandy says he’s up for it, I’ll be like “cool!” and then sit there looking at him and waiting for him to get hard so we can start. No touching or anything. But again, I’m not a monster – if he asks me to touch him and get him ready, I’ll totes plunk my hand on his dick and move it absent-mindedly back and forth while staring at the ceiling. Getting him hard requires a pretty boring, repetitive motion but if it helps us hurry up and get to the fucking, I’m all for it.
  • Incorporate the Hitachi into our PIV every single time. Turn him into an ambulatory sex toy that I hump until I come, and then immediately climb off him and hop in the shower/go do watch tv/fall asleep/whatever unless he specifically tells me he still wants to get off.
  • Never, ever engage in sexual activity with him unless I feel absolutely enthusiastic about it. Stop sex acts in the middle if my wrist/mouth/glutes are getting tired and sore, even if he seems pretty close to orgasm, and not offer any sort of alternative. Take care of my own orgasm at that point if I want one, and expect him to take care of his if he wants one. Ignore him jerking off unless I actively feel like engaging in some way. (Yes, The Dandy has had PIV with me, gotten off, then gotten up to clean up/surf the internet/generally ignore me while I reached for the Hitachi for “my turn.” I’ve had to outright tell him to stay near me and be involved – that my orgasms are part of our sexual encounters, not some extra and unrelated thing.)

Again: this would not game-playing, this would just be an unfiltered version of me who doesn’t feel tacit pressure to please and accommodate partners.

The one way I do wanna fuck with The Dandy that’s absolutely game-playing is to start initiating sex the way he does: by simply showing him my genitals and looking at him like “Well?!” Because that’s irritating and presumptuous as fuck.

Actually I also want to ignore all of his stupid word-free sexual overtures. Like it’s okay by me if he wants sex so he starts kissing and touching me to see if I’m responsive – that sort of wordlessness is fine (mostly because it revolves around giving me pleasure, and will almost always turn me on enough that I will in fact want sex). But for real the other night we were hanging around in the bedroom together and at some point he stealthily pulled his dick out through the hole in his pajama pants and just kind of…waited for me to notice. And when I didn’t, he was like “Jeez, you’re not very observant!” in a jokingly-accusatory-but-probably-not-really-joking tone, and pointedly looked down at his crotch so I’d see his dick flopped out there (all of which is exactly what The Bunny used to do. WTF?!?). And what with him making such a huge goddamned production of “Herrrrrrrre’s my penis!” and acting all tetchy and vulnerable about it, I felt obligated to admire and/or touch said penis in a sexual capacity so he wouldn’t feel rejected. And I hate that feeling of obligation. I hate it even though I actually was interested in sex with him at the time (and we did end up fucking). Use your goddamned words so I can say yes or no, Dandy. Stop hiding behind plausible deniability. If I don’t want to touch your dick but you also haven’t asked me to touch it – just flopped it out and pointed at it – my “no, I don’t want to do this right now” will seem nonsensical at best (what am I saying no to when he didn’t ask for anything?) and overly cruel at worst (like OMG he was just playing around and I was like I DON’T WANT TO DO SEXUAL THINGS WITH YOU, talk about overreacting!).


I honestly do think that if I could be more selfish in relationships, it would make almost all my resentments disappear. There’d be no more imbalance – no more “Humph. I make sacrifices for him and he doesn’t make them for me.”

Except I think if I were selfish it also might destroy said relationships. The Pedant would likely just go home if I made him wait around for hours; he might not be mad about it (we talked about this and he claims he wouldn’t be) but I’d never see him, so for all intents and purposes we’d have no relationship. The Dandy would, I think, probably feel distant from me if I made it obvious that giving him orgasms is sometimes a boring chore I’ve done just to make him feel loved and that I’ve decided not to anymore. Probably he’d feel resentful, then, and it would colour the way he treated me in the rest of the relationship, and then there’d be nothing left to this that makes me happy.

I need to find a middle ground.



*I mean, the other obvious solution is to find guys who’ll step up just as much as I do, but it’s starting to feel like most dudes are entitled and oblivious and won’t ever be on my level, so…


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So I wrote to The Pedant:

Just for the record, my dream, for years now, has been to have a man who submits to me in bed but ALSO in other areas that make my life easier. A go-getter I can delegate things to (like planning outings) and he’ll present me with detailed options to choose from

I don’t presume to think that your movie-planning prowess is anything more than vanilla helpfulness.

But if you ever WANT to submit to me in a wider capacity than bedroom stuff, let me know. You would be so exactly what I want.

“So, basically, you want a house-husband,” The Pedant said. Asking for clarity about what exactly would be involved in submitting to me more, I guess. That bodes well.

I wrote another wee novel:

Well you can’t be THAT, given that you don’t live with me and I can’t support you…but elements of that, I guess, insofar as it’s possible. Reliably doing what I want, and doing so in the spirit of being in service to me.

In which “what I want” would mostly be minor fetching and carrying, making food, tech support, planning and organizing outings or other things. Maybe Googling shit for me sometimes.

And also of course all the sex. 😀

He hasn’t responded to that, and the conversation drifted off elsewhere. But that’s fine. I’m happy to have gotten my thoughts off my chest. He usually needs time to process relationshippy talk so I’ll just back off a while and see if he eventually approaches me to ask more about what I’ve said.

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