The Dandy was home when I brought that latest piece of cougarbait over, btw. After the boy left, I lamented that I’d wanted to be into him but I just…wasn’t. The kid looked so great on paper. Why didn’t it work?
“He seemed kind of…bland,” The Dandy said. “I mean, does he even have any hobbies? Anything he’s passionate about?”
“Ooooh, that’s a good point,” I said. “He didn’t really have anything like that. All of his non-kink conversation was basically cat stories. And if I can just say, he wasn’t as interested in my art as I might have hoped. I make some cool shit, dammit. I want someone who’s excited about that!”
And I realized: I have a pattern of liking guys with a bit of an edge to them. Guys who are generally considerate and kind, but who will troll the shit out of people who deserve it. The key there, of course, is that we need to have the same idea of who deserves it. And the trolling has to be witty, not “you’re a big doodyhead!”
Recently, I was telling The Dandy about this guy on FetLife who had been consistently annoying me. He was a maledom with a lot to prove; he was so insecure that his username was a string of honourifics. Let’s call him MrReverendSir.
The Dandy said “Well, if he’s a reverend then doesn’t that mean the only ones he’s dominating are little boys?”
My jaw hit the floor. Then I started laughing. Then I wanted to fuck him. Oh, the meanness, it is delicious.
Another Dandy story: apparently in college he had a professor who would pretend not to hear one of his classmates’ questions, solely because the professor didn’t like this person.
So The Dandy started considerately “helping” the professor with his “hearing problem.” That one classmate would ask a question and professor would go “Yeah no I can’t hear you” and try to move on. And The Dandy would cheerfully bellow “HE SAID -” and repeat the question at the absolute top of his lungs, enunciating with precision. The Dandy has a big ol’ barrel chest. He can project his voice really fucking loudly. There is no possible way the professor could claim to have not heard him – so the professor had to answer the questions. 😀
The Pedant is also a catty bitch at people who have it coming. I can’t remember any specific zingers, but I know there have been some.
My favourite story about my ex-husband is that we were hanging out one time with his mom and one of her friends. The subject of veganism/vegetarianism came up somehow (ex and I were vegan at the time). His mom and her friend said animals are dumb so it’s no big deal if we eat them. Ex replied: “I guarantee you that the difference in intelligence between me and you two is at least as big as the difference between you and a cow. Does that mean I get to torture you to death?”
Ex was indeed a super-genius and his mom and her friends were…not, so I believe his statement was no exaggeration. But the audacity of calling someone stupid to their face! Especially your own mom! And what a brilliant way to make his point – make it personal. Ask her to take her “logic” to its inevitable conclusion. I loved it. In that moment I was thrilled to be his partner.
The 23yo I recently tried to date didn’t have that edge to him. And honestly he didn’t have the kind of quick-witted intelligence that turns my crank, either. So no wonder it was a bust.