A place for everything and everything in its place.

It occurs to me that sex with The Pedant seems to have gotten exponentially better once we both started thinking of him as subbing to me.

A lot of our issues before stemmed from him trying to top me, which rubbed me the wrong way big time. And even when he wasn’t doing shit like backing me up against walls to kiss me or lightly choking me at random intervals, he just wouldn’t listen to what I wanted in bed at all. It’s like he was so wrapped up in the idea that he had to run the fuck because penis that he was concentrating on that and not even hearing my words.

And he’d pass out after his orgasms without me having come, and I felt it would be overstepping to wake him up and demand he get me off.

Slowly, over time, he stopped trying to be the archetypal manly-man all the time and let me be the one pushing, choking, and getting on top – which we both enjoy. And then suddenly his dirty talk went all “Ooooh lookit me I’m yer slaaaave right now” which caught me off-guard because to my mind I was service-topping him, but it did let me know where his head was at. And so during a neutral non-sex time I asked him if he was open to taking orders in bed, and he said yes.

And something clicked for me.

I started actively asking for what I wanted again (something I’d given up on ages ago because he ignored me anyway)…and he listened and obeyed. I got brave enough to wake him up from his post-intercourse comas and demand help getting offand he pulled himself up out of slumber and did whatever thing I was needing without any complaints at all.

And suddenly The Pedant is giving me all these grateful, overwhelmed-feeling hugs during or after the sex. So maybe he needed me to take control all this time. Maybe our dynamic has finally fallen into place.

The Pedant identifies as a switch (or rather, I don’t think I’ve ever heard him use a BDSM label for himself, but he describes himself as a switch). I know one ex of his used to enjoy tying him up during sex, but every other sexual anecdote he’s ever told me features him topping (or taking an active role in vanilla sex, at least).

I don’t mind if he’s a top with other people. What matters is that he’s a bottom or sub with me.

However.

There are a lot of kinky dudes out there who skew way over toward the submissive side, yet play the role of top/dom most of the time in sex because that’s what women keep requesting of them. Some of these guys know they’re going against their nature when they top*; others genuinely believe they’re switches at first but once they have their first bottom or submissive experience it blows all their previous dom/top stuff out of the water.

I have been fantasizing a lot lately that The Pedant is one of the latter – submissive, but so conflicted about it and so brainwashed by society that men are supposed to be dominant that he thinks of himself as a dominant/bottom switch. He may like to be tied up sometimes but that’s it, folks! Nothing to see here! He is a manly man who mans all over the place. Totes dominant except for the love of restraints (or including the love of restraints…a dominant can certainly enjoy being tied up, and order someone to do it). Except that years of basking in my calm acceptance of men who don’t perform gender the way society tells them to has allowed him to start opening up and admitting what he really wants. And so we’ve started delving into D/s together and although he’s cautious and flinchy about it, he’s gaining trust as he sees that I’m not going to make fun of him for wanting to give me control. And it’s like I’m finally uniting him with his true self and our relationship starts flowing smoothly because he’s not fighting me or himself anymore and he’s forever grateful to me for seeing this part of him and not just accepting but adoring it and all the sexual conquests he used to brag to me about pale in comparison to what I give him and we live happily ever after.

I’m a dork.

I’ve also been fantasizing that he may crave being submissive outside the bedroom, too. It’s entirely possible that he doesn’t; he certainly does tend to express love through acts of service, but I’ve learned from experience that liking to do kind and helpful things for someone doesn’t mean you’re a sub. A lot of people find the free will part of the “doing kind things” really important, and would bristle at being told to do the things.

Nonetheless, sometimes The Pedant almost seems to be scrambling to think of things to do for me, and offering these tasks at my feet in hopes that I’m impressed with him. And it would be so sweet to be able to take the reins completely and have that at my disposal instead of just kind of hoping he’ll do that same thing he did last time again this time.

Anyway. The idea that things are going well between us partly because he’s not fighting submissive urges anymore is intriguing as hell, and seems pretty feasible.

 

*But call themselves switches anyway, which is a giant pet peeve of mine…if you know you want to be someone’s submissive then fucking own it and look for it. Don’t make a FL profile labeling you as a switch and then write “actually I’m a sub but the women I meet keep wanting to be dommed, so….” in the body. You just look like getting laid is more important to you than being yourself.

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I aten’t dead

Just as a test, I applied the Hitachi to my crotchal region to see if it would stir anything up. It did, and I came twice in under ten minutes despite having had no urges or sexy thoughts at the outset.

So that’s reassuring.

But I still want my drive back.

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Ugh.

My libido is dead lately. Dead. I keep, like, running my consciousness over the place where it’s supposed to be and there’s nothing.

And maybe that should be a good thing. The drive to get laid has put me in all kinds of stupid situations in the past. I have no particular interest in looking for anyone new right now, and with my sex drive dead I can just kinda coast along in relative contentment instead of resentfully putting myself out there despite my misanthropy because I need more people with whom to get nekkid. I still enjoy sex with The Pedant (albeit in a rather muted way), and can even rally myself to have orgasms during it (which are as good as ever, I think, unless things went downhill so slowly that I don’t even know), so this won’t particularly affect our relationship. In fact I think one reason I used to be so desperate to see him more often was wanting to fuck; now his preferred timeframe of a visit every two weeks or so seems just fine.

But a fundamental part of me has gone missing and it’s kind of colouring my world gray. Things that would normally light my brain and body on fire (dirty talk from The Pedant, a photo of a hot man on FL, discussing my kinks with someone) are just like “Huh, nice” now. I miss feeling inflamed, consumed, violent, predatory.

This has given me an interesting opportunity to view my relationship with The Pedant without the intervening lens of horniness, though. I’ve been missing him lately, and wanting him to come over. I purposely replay images of his O-face or his pretty cock in my head to try to provoke some kind of response, but it doesn’t do anything. Instead my mind goes back to how it feels to be curled up against his chest, or when he spoons me to sleep. Or the look he gives me when I make a terrible pun. Or the times he’s given me long, spontaneous hugs.

I want my libido back though and shall talk to a doctor about this soon.

 

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Hints, allegations, and things left unsaid.

In many ways, The Pedant is not who he presents himself to be. And I’m not sure he even consciously knows this. There are many, many layers of bravado and delusion and possibly denial between him and the outside world.

For instance, he’s always saying that most people think he’s an asshole. He seems gleeful about it, usually. Even when he talks about ex-girlfriends accusing him of being heartless or whatever, he seems perfectly fine with it. He cheerfully refers to himself as a high functioning sociopath.

But as I said in my previous post, he mentions his exes’ harsh views of him a lot, such that I think it’s an unhealed wound for him. Also, a few visits ago I showed him the photo I’ve associated with his contact info on my phone: it’s a picture of a spectacular red/purple bruise I got on my ass once from backing into a pole. I set this as his picture years ago, when we were dating the first time around and things were not nearly as stable as they are now. So I show The Pedant this and he goes “so is that a bruise I caused, or…?” and I was like “No, I just felt like you were being a pain in my ass at the time so it seemed appropriate.” I thought he would find this hilarious, but he got an unmistakably hurt look and didn’t say anything. Whoops. I have since changed the photo to one that’s actually of him, and told him so.

He’s told me all this bravado-y shit about how partners have pined for his cock and yet when I’ve told him how much I love it he looked an awful lot as though nobody had ever told him that before and he was very, very surprised that the appendage is that desirable to anyone.

When we were first screwing he presented himself as someone who likes to receive hand jobs while tied up. That’s it. He used the excuse that he’s a flailer when he orgasms so it’s just a good idea to restrain him. He’s not a flailer, though. And he also gets massively turned on when I’m forceful with him – pushing him, repositioning him, choking him – none of which has much to do with keeping his limbs from moving.

The first time we ever fucked he said “you can do whatever you want to me tonight” and I assumed that was just poorly thought out sex-talk; after all, he knows I’m way into ass-play and he had always said he wasn’t interested in that. So me doing whatever I wanted could go badly for him. …Except now I wonder if ass play is what he was hoping for. Or, if not ass-play specifically, for me to use him like an object in general. I’m definitely beginning to think that he’s interested in submission rather than simply bottoming.

Clearly, his kink interests are a vulnerable thing for him so he can’t bear to use his words. He’s kinda trying to sneak his interests up on me. He’s never said “I want to submit to you.” He just kinda started saying “I love being your slave like this” as part of the sex talk while we were fucking. He’s never said “the thought of kneeling for you makes me hot.” He just casually said one time that if we were to spend the night in a hotel one day, the floors would be clean and cat-litter-crumb free and this would open the possibility of him being on his knees. Like he was offering it for my benefit. He ostensibly bought the collar and leash for my benefit, too, but when I didn’t use the leash he brought it up a bunch of times: “It might be easier for you to pull me around if you used the leash” etc. He’s never said “I’m into leather.” He just repeatedly said “Welllll we might as well get leather straps to match the restraints you have” when we were shopping for an under-the-mattress restraint system online.

It frustrates the hell out of me that he can’t use his words directly, actually, because I’m not the brightest sometimes when it comes to hints. I must have replied “Meh, most of the straps will be hidden under the mattress so who cares?” to him four times before I clued in that he didn’t care about the visuals per se (he wouldn’t be able to see the straps at all when trussed up in them…). This was about him loving the idea of leather.

I’m so very curious what the deal is with ass-play, for him. As I said, he told me initially that he’d done it before and it did nothing for him. Then later on he asked me for it – on more than one occasion. And a few times in, he started moaning and really seeming to enjoy it. And now we’re at a point where I can initiate it and he moans just at the idea. So…did he always like it but just wasn’t ready to show me, yet? Or did he offer himself to me for my benefit and once it became clear that I was never going to gloat about it or otherwise make him feel weird, he finally allowed himself to relax into it and realized it did in fact feel good?

His reactions to things often run counter to the words he says. Like during our second or third try at ass-play he was moaning and squirming and clenching around my finger like crazy, but when I asked him afterward how he liked it, he was like “meh.” He tells me he doesn’t like me to move my finger around – just insert it and press his prostate and hold still – but occasionally I’ll gently thrust a tiny bit anyway and usually it makes him moan in what is definitely a happy way. He’s often told me he was too spent for more sex but then almost immediately got hard and did go again. He says he doesn’t like pain but sometimes during sex I bite his lip a little bit and this usually elicits a happy sound from him.

A while back I brought up the idea of him wearing older, sacrifice-able underwear so I could cut it off him. He was like “…what exactly would that do for you?” like he couldn’t see the point at all. And maybe he can’t. But the fact of the matter is that he always gasps in arousal if I make sudden, rough moves with him, and if I got a seat-belt cutter (which is like a hook with the inside edge sharpened) and pushed it up between his leg and his boxers and hooked it over the waistband and then yanked down, slicing through his underwear suddenly and violently because I wanted instant unfettered access to his cock, I can’t imagine him not going insane for that.

It honestly wouldn’t surprise me at all if he didn’t even admit most of his kinky desires to himself. He probably still thinks of himself as doing ass-play solely for my benefit, for instance. And possibly won’t let himself admit he likes a bit of thrusting because…that would seem gay, or something? I don’t know. But I don’t think he has some master plan for where he wants this to go; I don’t think he has elaborate D/s fantasies all plotted out and he’s just metering them out to me slowly out of embarrassment. I think he has general inclinations that he feels conflicted about and maybe won’t let himself dwell on.

I shall stay the course. I won’t press him to use his words; I’ll just pick up on his hints as best I can and make use of the info without comment or fanfare. I will be a safe place in which he can be fully himself. And we’ll see what that looks like.

 

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Tautology

A few months back, when I asked The Pedant why he’d bought me the bondage gear to use on him, he said it was “an expression of gratitude. I had reason to expect that you’d enjoy it, and you’ve been good to me.”

I was frankly kind of gobsmacked to hear that because just off the top of my head…

Things The Pedant has done for me:

  • Helped me clean my apartment (he offered, I didn’t ask)
  • Bought me countless meals
  • Bought me groceries
  • Talked me down from various “ledges” when I was anxious
  • Bought me numerous little knickknacks that make my life easier
  • Given me his old Blackberry and an old digital camera when I needed them
  • Given me assloads of tech support for my laptops, phone(s), router
  • Helped me shave my head like a zillion times
  • Today he called my local public transit’s lost and found department over a hat I lost

 

Things I have done for The Pedant:

  • Proofread his resume/cover letter when he applied for a supervisor position at his job
  • Tied him up and given him orgasms

 

…So at first I thought “…wait, all I have to do to make him grateful to a point of buying me expensive gifts is have sex with him?”

But upon reflection I think what he’s grateful for is the acceptance I show him.

The Pedant is not given to expressions of vulnerability, so it’s not like he ever told me he was bothered by previous partners not “getting” him. But he’s mentioned certain recurring relationship clashes (in his nonchalant way) a bunch of times and I’m realizing that the repetition is probably coming from him having been hurt by these exes’ views of him and still not being over it.

 

At this point I am by far his longest relationship ever, by pretty much any metric. It seems entirely feasible that he sees me as having “put up with him” longer than other people have, while being exasperated with him at least a little bit less and being much more clear in my expectations, and that this is what he’s grateful for. Hell, maybe it’s why he loves me.

And I love him because he puts up with me. He is so very hot, and I love the sex, but we don’t necessarily have all that much in common or anything. I didn’t find my romantic spark with him via the usual route of shared interests etc. I made out with him because I thought he was hot, and eventually the momentum of that carried us to a place where he was doing sweet things for me all the time, and I got smitten.

On paper the idea of two people essentially loving each other because they love each other sounds hollow and arbitrary but in practice I am so goddamned happy with him right now.

Also, can I just say, something about the relationship has shifted and I’m not sure how. The first time we dated I couldn’t tell if he had feelings for me or we were just fucking or what. Now his devotion is so obvious to me. I feel loved, steadily, in a way that I did not before – like at some point when we got back together a switch got flipped. I’m not sure if I’m better able to read between the lines with him now, or if he’s making more of an effort with me, or if my anxiety bullshit happened to let up for just long enough for him to sneak under my general mistrust, or if our FeelingsTalk from just before we broke up made me feel a bit more secure about him…maybe a bit of all of those things.

This all makes me wonder how many of The Pedant’s previous relationship clashes were due to mismatched love languages. Maybe a bunch of his exes didn’t feel loved because they didn’t realize that the little favours he does, often without fanfare, are all I-love-yous; maybe these women needed mushy words first and foremost, or quality time, and when he’d sporadically come by with an offering of a second-hand cell phone and shovel their walkway it was just like “meh.”

Right now I feel like I am fully receiving everything The Pedant is putting out there in a way I wasn’t before. And it is epic.

 

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A milestone visit from The Pedant

After all that dirty talk between The Pedant and I about his upcoming visit, I started to feel a bit anxious – performance anxiety or whatever. Maybe he did too because when I opened the door he blew right by me and headed up the stairs without kissing or touching me at all.

Upstairs, he methodically got undressed while making banal chitchat about his day. I’m accustomed, at this point, to things between us being totally sexually charged right from the beginning – he may make small talk but if I brush past him on my way to another room I can feel him bristling with sexual tension and kind of waiting for me to touch him. Last night though there was none of that. It was so weird. I made an excuse to come near him a few times and even stroked his hair and neck briefly while he was stooped over untying his boots, and he just never stopped being casual and matter-of-fact.

Finally I went ahead and made my move anyway, and he began to moan under my touch fairly quickly. But I miss that sharp little intake of breath he usually makes when he sees I’m about to put my hands on him. Maybe next time.

I recently installed heavy-duty eye-screws in the top corners of my front doorframe and the bathroom doorframe which is directly across from it. After a while of making out with The Pedant, I buckled the wrist restraints onto him (I’d laid them nearby as per our previous conversation) and clipped his wrists up so that he was spread across my hallway. That was good for about ten minutes of fun tracing my mouth and hands all over his body. I didn’t wanna push my luck much further than that; even though the screws were anchored deep enough for The Pedant to be able to relax his arms, they were still up over shoulder height and that could cause circulatory issues if left too long, I think. I buckled the ankle restraints and collar onto him, clipped the leash to the collar, and undid his arms to lead him into the bedroom.

Once there I pushed him so he sat abruptly down on the edge of the bed, and when he automatically went to lie back I yanked him by the leash back into a sitting position. I had no specific plan; I pretty much just did it to assert myself so he’d remember who was steering the action.

I straddled his lap, handed him the ear plugs and blindfold I’d left sitting on the bed for him, and said “it’s probably easier if you administer these yourself.” He obligingly inserted the ear plugs and then I think we got distracted a bit with kissing and then out of nowhere he suddenly just bowed his head to my chest and held me tightly (the blindfold still clutched in his hand which was now behind my back). It was not just a hug. It felt like gratefulness; it felt like reverence. It felt like he was overwhelmed with emotion and just needed to be still for a moment and compose himself.

And so he embraced me for a while and I sat there with my heart hammering from the thrill of him telegraphing such…submission to me. And I cradled his head in my arms and stroked his hair and just generally tried to make it clear that I understood what he was trying to give me and I was indeed receiving it. And eventually The Pedant started petting my back and seemed to be pulling himself out of his reverie and we resumed kissing etc.

He blindfolded himself and then I did finally push him flat on his back so I could tongue his nipples and make him moan. Oh, I forgot to mention – this visit he apparently felt self-conscious about his sex noises (I guess…?) and kept sort of swallowing his sounds before he made them – which sounded really unfortunately like the rhythmic “glrmph” noise some people make when they’re about to throw up. Like when I had him strung up in my hallway I was surreptitiously checking his stomach and posture to make sure he wasn’t maybe on the verge of vomiting. So that was…weird. I hope he gets over that and gets back to moaning openly. Maybe he felt extra self-conscious about us being right by the front door, but he kept stifling himself even in the bedroom.

The Pedant is very receptive to being moved around when he bottoms to me, so it just took a couple of little nudges from me to make him rotate his body and lie on the bed properly (instead of crosswise with his legs hanging off). I tied down his wrists and then sprung another surprise on him: I’d rigged up some clips on the sides of the bed frame and I buckled the thigh cuffs he’d bought us ages ago onto him and attached them to these clips so his legs were forced open. He definitely loved that – I saw him squiggling against them a lot, relishing the feeling of being restrained. I still clipped his ankles to the bed for good measure, though.

My plan – once his legs were trapped wide apart – was to warm his asshole up with my fingers and ultimately put a toy in there before getting on top of him and fucking him to the finish. I actually managed (eventually) to get two fingers inside him (and he made some very happy moans when I did – and to think he once told me that ass play did nothing for him). But then I had a wee attack of conscience. I think The Pedant would probably have been fine with me using a toy on him like that, but it was somewhat new territory for us. I didn’t want to spring it on him while he was essentially helpless but I didn’t want to ask him how he felt about it, either – was running this show, dammit – so instead I opted to just withdraw my fingers and proceed to the fucking without doing the toy insertion part.

And right when I thought he was getting close I yanked him up by the collar and kissed him hard – which totally triggered his orgasm, and I caught his moans in my mouth. :D

Immediately after that I threw myself down beside him and got myself off with the Hitachi twice in a row. I didn’t even let The Pedant out of the restraints. He still shifted over to put his body against mine to the extent that he was able, and sort of nuzzled me with his head after each orgasm to kind of acknowledge that he knew I’d come. Finally I released him from bondage and he immediately gathered me into his arms. My brain was doing little post-orgasmic loop-de-loops and I buried my face in his chest and shuddered through all the emotions and aftershocks. Then we went to sleep.

I slept somewhat fitfully and finally moved out to the couch for a bit so I wouldn’t have the additional sleep-hurdle of having a breathing, moving person next to me. The Pedant and I woke up at about the same time; just as I was lying there struggling to consciousness so I could get up and pee, he came out of the bedroom (heralded by the clink of metal-on-metal; he was still wearing the cuffs and collar). He said hi to me, ducked into the bathroom for a pee of his own, then came out and kind of stood over me. I think he may have made some small talk or something; certainly he didn’t outright tell me that he wanted to fuck again. But it was clear that he was hoping I would. I got up, kissed him, and told him I had to pee but I’d meet him in the bedroom.

This fuck was an odd one. The Pedant was as vocal as ever when I first put him inside me, but pretty soon his moans took on that “holding pattern” he gets when he’s not gonna come. I tried my best to get things going but nothing much was working and my thighs were killing me. Finally – not quite ready to give up on sex entirely – I said “Would you like me inside you?” and wow, the enthusiastic little storm of moaning and breathing that that idea produced. Alrighty then. :D

I ended up finger banging The Pedant’s ass for basically ever. At one point I was using one hand to do stuff to his asshole, the other to give him a hand job, and I managed just barely to hover one of my feet over his chest and stimulate his nipple with my big toe. I’m grateful he’d put his blindfold back on because I’m sure that looked dumb as hell. It clearly felt good to him, though.

He seemed to get to the edge of coming a bunch of times, but never quite went over. And then he went into that holding pattern again. I knew for sure things weren’t going well when The Pedant started being all “I love being your slave” “I’m so hard for you” etc., etc. He mostly only dirty-talks when his penis isn’t cooperating with him. I waited a respectful amount of time after the dirty talk and said “What can I do for you? Did you need a break?”

The Pedant asked me to unclip his restraints, which I did. Then he said, “I’d like you to put a toy inside me and hold it there while I fuck you. On top.” Wow…synchronicity. I guess he probably would have been okay with my original plan the night before. And I think being on top is another of The Pedant’s strategies for dealing with orgasm issues; it probably helps for him to be able to control the speed and angle of thrusting.

I selected a stainless steel butt plug from my collection; I’m not confident I could reach comfortably to hold a toy inside The Pedant during missionary sex, and I knew the plug would stay in well by itself. I warmed it up, lubed it, and slid it inside him and suddenly he was thrashing and moaning and his cock was not only erect but just blazingly engorged; his erection seemed twice the size it usually is. I crawled up his body to kiss him and pretty soon he was like “You can tie down my wrists again.” So the plug had turned him on to a point where he didn’t need to be on top anymore. Fascinating!

I’d been fucking him for only maybe two minutes when he said “You’re gonna make me come – !”

I started to say “I’m okay with that” but he’d begun throbbing and shooting before I even got out the whole sentence. If his whole “you’re gonna make me come” thing is meant as a warning in case I want to draw things out, he really needs to say it a bit sooner. Maybe it’s not a warning. I dunno.

As he came, I brushed my thumbs against his nipples and reached back to wiggle the plug in his ass. Both made him flinch in a way that told me it was too much, so I stopped and just focused on very slowly thrusting until I’d gotten every last drop out of him. The orgasm was so intense that he’d reflexively put his knees up so I couldn’t thrust so deeply. “It’s okay,” I whispered, and smoothed his legs down flat again with my hand.

I undid his restraints, removed the toy (“be gentle” “No, I’m gonna pull on it like I’m starting a lawn mower. What am I, new?”) and then flopped next to The Pedant for some more Hitachi time. “I wouldn’t say no to a couple of fingers inside me,” I said, and he cheerfully obliged. I had a bit of difficulty getting off but once it happened it was…huge. And awoke my violence. The Pedant gathered me up in his arms again and I growled and shuddered and gripped his shoulder hard.

And then I decided to ask the thing that’s been bugging me forever.

“Hey – when I tell you I love you, how does it make you feel?”

“Depends on when you say it.”

I’m not sure I’ve ever giggled in exasperation before, but I did then. “Dude. Can you vague that up for me a little bit more?” I mean, honestly. I’ve made my peace with the fact that I’ll have to be the one to initiate every damn awkward or vulnerable conversation with him, but can’t he at least throw me some crumbs and give me a straight answer? He had to have known why I was asking.

“Well, when you say it during sex it tends to get lost among everything else.”

“I don’t think I’ve ever said it during sex. Usually I’ll say it just after.”

“So, when I’m drifting off, then.”

“Well yeah, but…okay, look. I say it and you don’t react whatsoever so I don’t know if you’re opting to politely ignore me because you’re horrified that I said it, or what.”

“Rest assured that I am not horrified.”

“That’s…actually a load off my mind. Thank you.” I took a deep breath and fought down a small sobbing fit.

“Well, you just took a load off me, so…”

I groaned at the terrible sex pun.

“Hey, you started it,” he said.

“I think it was kind of mutually started.”

“Not the sex, the puns.”

I snuggled my face closer into his neck. “I say it after sex because that’s the only time I’m unguarded enough to put myself out there knowing I won’t get anything back.” Pause. “I do love you.” I think I needed to finally say it to him openly and directly, without whispering it or pretending to be half-asleep and rambling.

The Pedant murmured something and I totally didn’t catch the first bit but it ended with “the feelings are mutual.”

 

So, yeah. That happened.

:D

 

 

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Vulnerability and sexting

One thing I really appreciate about The Pedant that I may not have mentioned before is that he doesn’t rub my words or kinks in my face.

Minx used to do this thing where any time a scene in a movie (or whatever) had elements of kink that she knew were up my alley, she’d make a big thing of looking over at me and tittering knowingly. Or sometimes even saying “Yeah, you like that, don’tcha?” or similar. Maybe she did it to show how well she knew me and not actually to make fun of me. But I felt made fun of.

The Bunny has on at least one occasion parroted my compliments to him back at me in a dopey voice.

But The Pedant knows when to just fuckin’ shut up and be cool about it all.

This is a separate thing from stuff like him ignoring my I-love-yous and not acknowledging my letter. Pretty sure that’s just him ignoring sentiments that he doesn’t know how to handle. I mean when I say or do things to him that he likes and participates in, he doesn’t throw it back at me later. He doesn’t do anything to make me feel vulnerable or stupid.

Maybe he’s taking his cue from me. The Pedant started out fairly reserved around me, sexually and emotionally, and only gradually let me see an un-self-consciously abandoned side of him. I love that he’s let me in and I don’t want to do anything to scare him into withdrawing all that good stuff from me so I kind of don’t mention anything we do except in sexts. In other words, I’ll never throw out a casual, deadpan reference to him enjoying bondage or whatever. I’ll never mention that stuff from the outside. I’ll only reference it in the context of how much it turns me on.

So, I guess it’s kind of chicken-or-egg. But however it started, I’m glad I can feel safe with The Pedant. He’s not as verbally effusive in the relationship as I am, and this does make me feel a bit vulnerable, but I don’t worry much about him taking the lofty, above-it-all “Boy you sure did seem to like what we just did together” stance with me that some people have. He seems to know that there’s a delicate balance at play.

Anyway I’m bringing this all up because there was a bit of sexting today and I continue to be amazed by how much he’ll put himself out there, now. Used to be the best I’d get from him if I expressed my desire for him was a smiley face or a sarcastic “you’re welcome.” Now he’s flat-out telling me that he wants me and it makes me feel like I’ve successfully gotten a wild deer to eat out of my hand after four or five years of standing perfectly still with my hand out.

Oh – I just realized something else that’s making me feel particularly enamoured with The Pedant – he doesn’t conflate my anxiety issues with an inability to dominate/top. He read my application for disability recently, in which I spell out all my stupid brain shit in brutal detail, and yet he’s still wanting to delve deeper and deeper into bondage and other bottomy things with me. He knows I’m competent at commanding him even if I have issues being assertive in some other areas of my life. Thank god.

Anyway, here is the sexting from today:

Me: You belong underneath me.

Pedant: Yes. Would you like me to be back there on Thursday morning? [boring scheduling negotiation ensues for a while, and then…] I could come by Saturday evening.

Me: Yes. Do that. :)

Pedant: I shall. You can have the restraints waiting for me. I’ll be more than happy for you to place me back where I belong. You’re welcome to use the earplugs and blindfold on me as well.

Me: Excellent.

Pedant: The short leash and thigh cuffs would be welcome as well, now that you’ve tidied your place up and there’s space to use them.

Me: I have ideas. Well see how things unfold. :)

Pedant: I can’t wait to be back in your hands. My cock has gotten hard just now, thinking about it.

Me: *Growls*

I hesitate to think of The Pedant as submissive per se. I see him more as someone who likes to role play at D/s without necessarily giving up a lot of control. Perhaps this is unfair of me, though. Perhaps the next time he’s telegraphing that he wants a thing, I should do something else and see what happens. Thus far I’ve largely been just letting his body language and hints steer me (which is still fun because the things he wants are all things I like, anyway) because I fear if I go in a different direction he’ll be a bit more insistent on getting the specific thing he wants and this will break whatever fragile D/s tension there is between us. Mind you, he does seem pretty careful to phrase his wants in terms of things he’s open to if I choose to go there, rather than demands (see his wording above; I’m welcome to use the leash etc.). Perhaps I’m underestimating him.

Whether he’s subbing to me or simply bottoming, though, I am very much intrigued by how much further he seems to want to take things. In the beginning he presented himself as just liking to be tied up while getting a hand job; now he’s wearing a collar and kneeling for me and telling me I control him and calling himself my slave and hinting to me that he wants to be restrained/controlled in ever more thorough and creative ways. I like it.

I still find the idea of putting a leash on him somewhat laughable, since my apartment is tiny and our sexual encounters don’t typically involve a lot of walking around. Does he want me to put the leash on him just to pull him the eight steps from the hallway to the bedroom? Why can’t I just pull the big-ass bondage ring on his collar? …But he bought the leash and has indicated a desire to wear it twice now so I guess it is A Thing for him. So now I totally want to do whatever minimal leading-him-by-the-leash I can, just to see how it affects him (because I suspect if he’s bringing it up this many times he must be really into the idea and will go all wibbly if I do it).

Things with this boy have turned out so much different than I’d ever anticipated. <3

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