For posterity, I would like to note that The Dandy and I had sex the other night and he had an orgasm.
The Dandy differentiates between coming and orgasming*. Coming, I guess, is happy brain chemicals plus a sense of release in his crotch. Orgasming is all of that plus waves of pleasure going through his penis.
For a while, early in our relationship but not right at the beginning, he would have orgasms almost every time I got him off. I actually remember suddenly noticing that his climax sounds became more prolonged and intense and his face got way more abandoned, but I didn’t realize why; I just figured I was at a point in the sexual learning curve where I’d figured out how to get him off really well.
And, I mean, I have learned how to get him off really well, in the sense that I can get him to climax quick-ish and prolong the release once he’s there, but the orgasms are a kind of separate thing. The Dandy says that in order to orgasm with someone he needs to feel safe with them, but even then it won’t happen every time, and he doesn’t think there’s any circumstance or technique that would reliably trigger one. The orgasm fairy is a capricious creature who either bestows the magic on him, or not, for no discernible reason.**
So anyway. I try not to obsess to The Dandy about whether he’s orgasmed or not when we do sexual stuff, ’cause I think it would just annoy and pressure him. But I do obsess on it inside my head. He used to orgasm almost every time we did stuff and now he doesn’t and I don’t know if it’s because he feels not-quite-right about our relationship in some way, or if it’s just that we’ve been together for a while now and my novelty is wearing off.
And then last night or the night before I was riding The Dandy and I sensed when the orgasm hit him – or sensed that he was about to “finish,” anyway; I don’t think I exactly knew it was an orgasm immediately – he almost imperceptibly flinched and whimpered as his cock suddenly got oversensitive. I’d been pounding him hard and fast, but when I perceived The Dandy’s shift in intensity I slowed my thrust speed way down and just slowly and lazily drifted back and forth, watching his face kind of freeze-frame in ecstasy and then dissolve in that very specific and distinctive way that it does. “Ah, there it is,” I murmured happily, recognizing for sure that an orgasm, not just a climax, was what was happening. I kept on slooooowly thrusting through The Dandy’s orgasm until his harsh breathing bubbled over into joyful laughter and he put his hands on my hips to stop them moving entirely and I bent down to kiss him all over his hot, flushed face.
So that was nice.
Then I wanted an orgasm of my own, but my body is being stubborn lately so I knew it had to be entirely me making that happen. While I humped my Hitachi, The Dandy lay beside me with his eyes closed and blindly flailed out to stroke my head or back from time to time. Which seemed a bit, no pun intended, anticlimactic after I’d given him so much focused expertise and attention to get him off. I mean aside from being on top and doing the bulk of the physical “work” I was also kissing him and making eye contact (on that rare occasion that he opened his eyes) and stimulating his nipples and doing fake arousal noises to help him along – just really hauling out every trick I could think of that might make the sex better for him. And then when it was my turn he barely acknowledged I was in the room.
Recently, I tried being the first one to get off during a few of our sexual encounters. In doing so, I discovered that The Dandy is definitely more willing to be an active participant in my orgasms when he hasn’t come yet. Also – gratifyingly – my arousal clearly gets him going. He got hard most times that he was helping me get off before his own climax, and on one occasion I noticed after I orgasmed that he was breathing like he was just about to come, himself (without either of us having touched his cock at all up to that point, btw). I seriously regret opting to have sex with him at that moment (which necessitates some time to put on a condom, apply lube, etc) instead of immediately caressing him with my hand and seeing if he really was as close to the finish line as he seemed.
Here’s the thing, though: my main turn-on in sex is my partner’s climax(es). I’ve always preferred to get off second so I could use the recent memory of the other person’s orgasm-sounds to fuel me, and now I need that more than ever because my sex drive is pretty seriously stalled. I don’t usually feel turned on all on my own, anymore; I distantly feel like having sex for the sense of intimacy it provides, and once The Dandy’s cock is inside me, some kind of arousal might sluggishly begin to awaken in me.
Plus, orgasming tires me out and I just wanna relax and/or sleep after, not tend to someone else (which I’d imagine is how The Dandy feels, too, hence his lackluster assistance during my orgasms).
Since I only ever feel a shadow of arousal these days at best, I don’t really come at The Dandy like “GET ME OFF RIGHT NOWWWWW” anymore – I want some lead-in, some foreplay, before serious clitoral stimulation begins. The Dandy doesn’t provide foreplay (unless you count putting his penis inside me), or indeed seem to know how to provide it, even when I specifically ask him to give me foreplay and tell him what I want. He’s not a sexually passionate person and if I say “caress me” he’ll pet my back and head like he’s trying to soothe me to sleep; I have had to specifically tell him, on numerous occasions, to touch my genitals. The concept of touching my genitals to turn me on never occurs to him on his own. And his seeming lack of passion or enthusiasm makes things even more difficult for me; with someone who seemed enthusiastically into me, I could probably Hitachi myself from a “cold start,” as it were, and still get off reasonably fast. With The Dandy I somewhat feel like he’s bored or something and it throws a wrench into my works.
Although, I did ask The Dandy how often he would come in to help me get off when he heard my Hitachi, if I let him. He claimed he’d help out fairly often. This might be bullshit; the whole reason I enstated a “Hey don’t come into my room when you can hear me getting off” rule in the first place is that he used to come participate from time to time and then pretty much stopped, and every time he chose not to come in, it felt like rejection (my vibrator is loud and he spends most of his time in his bedroom which is right next to mine. There’s no way he’s not aware of what I’m doing). So finally I told The Dandy not to ever come in. That way I could tell myself he wanted to come help me get off but was respecting my boundaries, rather than knowing goddamn well he just didn’t give a shit about my sexuality.
I have now revised my rule and said that if my door is open while my vibrator’s going, he can consider it an invitation. I haven’t been brave enough since then to actually get off with the door open and risk rejection, though.
*I think every guy should, TBH, but a lot of them probably haven’t ever orgasmed so they don’t know what they’re missing or that there’s a difference.
**Meanwhile, I orgasm *every single time I climax*. The only time I had something resembling The Dandy’s “coming but not orgasming” was when I was on antidepressants that interfered with my sexual functioning. Anyone who says “women’s sexuality is sooooo mysterious and complicated but men are simple!” needs to eat a bag of dicks.