Mystery Man Returns

I mentioned before that I got a text from an unknown number saying “how’s the harem coming along?”

I responded asking who it was and the person took a day or so to reply: “A mighty warrior in search of the fabled forge of glittery delights so that I may bake the gayest most fabulous cupcake in the kingdom.”

The Bunny is an avid baker, especially of cupcakes, and has been known to write some over-the-top prose in the past, so I said “I feel like these are Bunny sentiments. But they’re not coming from a Bunny number. And so I am vexed. VEXED I TELL YOU.” Yeah, I was feeling a little flirty ’cause I thought The Bunny might be missing me and deciding to woo me.

But then I promptly realized that The Bunny actually isn’t that articulate – he usually words things a little weirdly and/or makes spelling mistakes. Also I honestly don’t see him playing games like that. When I broke up with him I told him I needed time to myself, and The Bunny has his flaws but blatant disrespect of my stated emotional needs isn’t one of them. Neither is playing head games. And then my gut told me that the person texting me was probably The Baby Duck, and I got a little skin-crawly because he handled our breakup somewhat badly and I don’t want him in my life. I decided to ignore all texts from that number henceforth.

Anyway the mystery texter said “I am no one of consequence until my quest is achieved.” This doesn’t leave an opening for a reply, anyway, so hooray. The conversation ends here.

What is it with guys sending me anonymous messages years after we dated? Shit like that intrigues me for like fifteen seconds and then I just feel manipulated and irritated. Either tell me openly who you are and why you’re getting in touch or fuck the hell off.

Incidentally, I did text The Bunny just to make absolutely sure it wasn’t him:

Me: You’re not fucking with me via a different phone number, are you?

Bunny: No. I’d have no reason to. Someone causing you shit then?

Me: Not causing shit per se, but trying to bait me into conversation. I suspect it’s a guy I dated briefly a couple years ago.

Bunny: That’s much unfortunate. I hope you are able to solve the mystery and shut him the hell down.

Me: He made some banter like you would make but I kinda figured you wouldn’t bother doing the anonymous texts thing. I’ll just ignore him from now on.

Bunny: Good good.

Me: How have you been?

Bunny: Well enough and keeping myself occupied. I hope all has been well with you.

Me: No complaints. :)

The Bunny said nothing further, and given the tone of his texts in general it didn’t seem like he really wanted to chat, so I left it at that. I’m frankly somewhat surprised by his reticence. The way I see it, I’m the injured party here: I spent months making my lust for The Bunny very, very clear while he just casually turned me down for all sexual and kink activity while seeking these things out with others. I broke up with him quite civilly because it seemed he really only regarded me as a friend now, anyway, and at the time he took it well. So why is he curt and awkward now?  I sort of think he was keeping me around largely for all the validation I gave him, and assumed I was so hung up on him I’d never leave and he could feed off my compliments and lusty stares indefinitely. Oh well.

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Art imitates life

One of the artists at work today referred to life drawing as an “energy exchange.” I found this secretly amusing because D/s is described that way, too, so it’s like…wow, apparently I gravitate heavily toward exchanging energy with people in all areas of life. :P

I also found this idea fascinating, though, because I’d never thought of life drawing in those terms before per se. But it makes sense. I definitely feed off the energy of my “audience,” and I try to be focused and enthusiastic in my work so that they can feel it and hopefully be inspired.

The lady who made the remark today – and also, a few weeks back, an art instructor I’ve worked for – told me that she likes me because I project something when I pose. They both said that not everyone does that; I guess for some models the job is just this utilitarian thing of “Meh, I gotta sit still for X amount of time in order to get my money” whereas I want a pose to seem like it has an emotional context – even if the context is just “boy, I sure am enjoying relaxing in this chair.” The lady today said that some models don’t really seem to be “present” while they pose, and so give nothing much for an artist to work with, but I do.

A different artist once told me “you give a different emotion with every pose.” And I realized for the first time that yeah, I do do that. Without even consciously thinking about it.

Apparently I have good instincts for this job. Yay me!

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Chronicles

I think it’s interesting how much I’ve changed over the course of this blog. When I started writing it I was a person with a full-time, steady, but unfulfilling office job, hoping to find a relationship and assuming that when I did it would be monogamous. And I thought of myself as somewhat kinky but able to rein it in if necessary.

Now I do an unpredictable job that I love (that involves performing in front of people, of all things!) and I’m all “POLY FOREVAAAAAR!” and identify as a heavy sadist. And I wanna get into porn.

Not to mention that this blog chronicles the entirety of my last three long-term relationships (Minx, The Pedant, The Bunny)…for certain values of “long term.” Total voyeur candy right there. It fascinates me to “rewind” back to the beginnings of these relationships and read how I felt back then, before all the bullshit began.

Anyway.

I thought most people went through their huge rapid emotional growth stuff earlier in life. Either I was wrong, or my marriage freeze-framed me before I could get to it and I only began to grow once I got spit out the other end.

At any rate, high school me wouldn’t even recognize current me. Me from ten years ago would barely recognize me now. And I am perfectly fine with that.

Onward ho.

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Mysteries and theories

Got a text today that just said “How’s the harem coming along?” – which sounds precisely like something The Bunny would say (we used to joke all the time about me wanting a harem of hot submissive boys), but it wasn’t from his number or any other number I had in my phone. I texted back asking who it was and they didn’t reply.

I’ve been thinking about my relationship with The Bunny and have begun to wonder if he fell out of lust for me due to what I’ll call Groucho Marx syndrome – in which someone has such low self-esteem that they stop respecting anyone who’s into them because that person clearly has awful taste (Groucho Marx once famously said “I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member”). It seems like our issues may have started around the time I told him I loved him. But who the fuck knows, really.

One thing I do know is that he liked how much I fawned all over him, even if he perhaps felt undeserving and awkward about it. At some point he started accepting my compliments instead of deflecting them, and then he started actively fishing for them. He fished for compliments right up til the end, which pisses me off, actually. I should think my constant interest in fucking him would be proof enough that I found him attractive. I should also think that his constant sexual rejection of me means maybe he should’ve been the one saying complimentary things to make up for my feeling unwanted all the time.

I would imagine he’s in a bit of withdrawal right now, having gone from me texting him every day (often with references to him being hot and/or smart) to absolutely nothing. I really do wonder if that text earlier was from him, trying to prod me back into talking to him. Except I don’t know why he’d be texting from a new number.

For my part, I’m not particularly in withdrawal. For like the first two days of my not talking to The Bunny, I’d twitch toward my phone to text him and then remember that I wasn’t gonna do that for a while. I’ve been texting some other friends, instead.

A week or so ago I passed through a period of sadness that I don’t have his snuggles anymore, and may not ever again. And that I may never visit him and hang out with his cat again, or eat food that he made me. I do hope to be friends with The Bunny at some point, and it would be nice if we had a snuggly relationship like Minx and I do, but right now I don’t know whether that’ll happen. Maybe I’ll be too attracted to him, still, to want to be that physically close to him. Maybe I’ll be too bitter. Maybe I’ll be gung ho for platonic cuddling but he won’t be into it. Maybe once the dust settles I won’t actually like The Bunny all that much anymore – I look at his posts on FetLife sometimes and just…meh. My affection-goggles are off and he’s losing his lustre and rapidly becoming just some dude. Not a bad dude. But maybe not an overly entertaining or bright dude, either.

This is the part of a breakup that I hate: when someone I was really into starts to lose that magic and I start kinda wondering what the hell I was thinking.

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Porn is hard.

It’s just one thing after another with this foot porn.

First off, Dickface the Kitten can’t stand to be shut out of a room, which makes the filming process difficult. I’ve tried distracting or containing her in various ways, or only trying to film when she’s asleep, but with mixed success.

Secondly, I have had to halt filming entirely for the time being because Dickface was running around the house like a maniac and rebounded off my foot with her claws out…twice. So I have big gouges on my moneymakers. And shortly after that my left shoe rubbed a hole in my toe somehow. So yeah…taking a filming hiatus til I’m pretty again.

As for the other steps on the road to uploading, I downloaded a conversion tool to turn my .MOVs into MP4s, and downloaded some free editing software, too. Got most of my clips converted (and learned some tricks to make ‘em smaller without quality loss, too). But then my fucking laptop died.

My other laptop, the Macbook Air, has been presumed dead since August but the last time I went to fire it up…it worked. I’m typing on it right now. I never deleted the clips from the iPhone I filmed them on, so I uploaded them to the Mac. Discovered that the Mac has built-in movie editing software. Can’t figure out how to use it. Went to YouTube to look for tutorials but YouTube won’t play videos on this machine for some reason (need to update my browser or something I think).

So that’s where I’m at now.

I really *like* filming these clips (when I can be assured that there won’t be cats howling outside the door). I’m hoping if I throw myself into it hard enough I can maybe make decent money at it so I don’t have to model so much (I love modelling but the amount I have to do to make a living puts a lot of wear and tear on my body). I’m willing to work at this. WIth my art-selling attempts I’ve failed big-time at doing social media – because depression but also because I haven’t found an audience for what I do, really, and it’s hard to imagine I ever will. With the porn I guess I have more confidence that I can find people who are into what I do. I’m gonna set up a seximafied Twitter account sometime soon, I think, and try to post on it every day or two.

Mine likes the idea of filming clips with me, and is perfectly fine to show his genitals or asshole or even his face in them. He has great ideas and takes direction well and…well, it’s a big decision and I’m not gonna dive into it just yet but I’m sorely tempted to go ahead and show *my* face in clips, too. To film clips that are not just of him doing stuff to my feet, but of me doing D/s and S/M scenes in general. I’ve always said that I could make better BDSM porn than most of the shit I’ve seen out there, and the chemistry Mine and I have is amazing – I kind of want to show it off. I bet I could get men and women watching! And TBH I really don’t want to make a living at a “normal” job ever again so if I’m outed I’m not sure I’d care. I’m also not sure it would matter if one of my art-modelling people stumbled over my clips4sale store and figured out it was me – I show more in class than I would in my clips (I’m..weird about being sexualized. If someone wants to jerk off to my feet or my voice or to the sight of me torturing Mine with clothespins that’s fine, but I kind of don’t want to be naked in any of the things I film. I realize this may limit my audience. I don’t care. And I also think I may very well build a following, anyway. Julia Roberts has never been naked in any of her movies and people still pay to see her and think she’s hot. Just sayin’.)

My antidepressant meds have stopped working (as they always do, eventually) so the doctor upped my dose. Not sure if it’s having an effect yet. Today I feel like I’m coming out of the fog but this may be due to us having had warmish, spring-y weather lately. At any rate I might have a bit more energy and motivation right now than I’ve had in a while and I hope to use it to clean the apartment. It’s become a cluttered shithole again. Ideally I’d like to get suuuuper organized with my porn stuff so I can easily convert the bedroom or bathroom into a studio – get my lingerie organized into one drawer, stack the blankets/fabric/vinyl I use for backdrops neatly in one place, have a shelf in the kitchen specifically for food I’ll be stepping on, etc. Right now every time I wanna film something I need to shovel a bunch of clothes off the floor, sweep, dig around for the various accoutrements I need…it’s inefficient. I wanna be a porn POWERHOUSE.

Now if only I could figure out the editing part. :P

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Unsure if flake or just weird.

Some 19 year old messaged me on FetLife saying he’d like to “worship my feet online” and that this would entail him buying me things. He also commented on my note re: trading nail polish gift certificates for foot pics, saying “I’d do this!” but when I checked the email address the certificates go to, there was nothing new in there.

I wrote the guy back asking what online foot worship means to him, exactly, and reiterated that I’m more than willing to take foot pics in exchange for nail polish.

He was all “I’d love that!” but that was hours ago and still no new gift certificate. I don’t understand what he’s waiting for. Like, kid, if you wanna buy me nail polish, fucking do it, you’ve already read the note with the detailed instructions in it.

I feel like he’s waiting for some sort of prompt but I suck at etiquette so all I can think of to say to him is the previous sentence, which seems lacking in finesse. Maybe I’ll be like “Okay, well if you have a problem with the certificate-sending process let me know and I’ll try to help. :)”

Probably he’s just dangling the prospect of consumer goods in front of me just to keep me in the conversation so he can talk at me about his fantasies, though. My friend The Vixen basically got that all the time when she was a pro domme – guys who would call ostensibly to set up an appointment, ask her all about exactly what she offered and talk all about exactly what they wanted…and then not make an appointment. I mean she had a particular guy who would do this about once a week.

In other news, since I dumped him The Bunny seems to be RSVPing to even more kink events than before (like he’s literally planning on going to stuff every two or three days for the next few weeks), and he’s recently posted several semi-nude pics of himself that showcase marks other women have recently put on him (this from a boy who never showed more than an ankle or arm or a distant silhouette in any of his profile pics). The increased event attendance may simply be because he has more time on his hands with me gone, but the pictures feel like a taunt and they piss me off. Like okay dude, I know you’re open to every woman on Earth topping you except me. It’s why I dumped you. You can quit rubbing it in any time now.

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Another example of attitude making all the difference.

I have a guy on FL I’ve been talking to. He contacted me because of my whole nail-polish-gift-certificate-in-exchange-for-foot-pics thing I do. He sent me a whopping $50 gift certificate to spend on whatever colours I wanted, and although he also chatted with me and stuff, he never acted like I owed him time/attention/conversation in return for the money he spent. If I drop out of touch for a bit, he doesn’t whine and sulk about it – he’ll just wait a while and then send me a casual message continuing our conversation like he didn’t even notice I was gone. Our conversations involve small talk and him subtly letting me know what he has to offer me – he knows I’m into the idea of takedown play and would like to teach me some tricks (he’s a martial arts enthusiast); he’s offered to rub my feet; he said if I want, I can teach him to apply nail polish – and that he’ll bring nail polish to learn with so he’s not wasting mine during the learning process when he’s maybe a bit more sloppy. My brain is all the fuck over the place lately due to depression issues and general life stuff so I haven’t gotten around to meeting him yet, but I’d like to.

OMG I just checked out his profile for the first time in a while, and he’s gone from just a pic of him from far away (which at least let me know he was thin-ish and not monstrously deformed in any way, even if I couldn’t tell if I’d find him hot per se) to having a pic of his head and shirtless torso (with his eyes blacked out) and SWEET MOTHER OF GOD HE’S A BRICK HOUSE. Want.

Anyway.

The other day, a guy contacted me on FL saying “Hey miss love the feet. Being that we live in the same city what would one have to do to worship them if possible.” He has no photos or info on his profile, btw. I told him I’d let him know if I’ll be at a munch or event and if he wants he can come chat with me there. I’m not sure I’ll actually follow through on this, though.

I mean here’s the thing. The second guy was polite enough – I’m not offended or anything – it’s just that he gives me no real reason to want to meet up with him. His profile is blank, so I can’t establish whether he’s cute or interesting. His feed is just a whole bunch of him commenting on pics of women’s feet, and between that and the impersonal message he sent me it seems like he’s one of these very very focused fetishists who forgets that feet even have people attached. Arguably “what do I have to do” implies “I will pay you money,” but then again maybe not; maybe if I’m all “Sure, gimme $100 and we can hang for an hour” he’d be appalled. But if he is assuming that there’s no way for me to be interested in him unless he pays, that actually kinda rubs me the wrong way. Like has it ever occurred to him that if he talked to women like human beings instead of being all “FEET PLZ?” right out of the starting gate, he might get willing takers for free?

My other thought is that maybe he looks like The Elephant Man and knows it and that’s why he’s offering to pay (if that’s what this is). And, y’know, I’m not against letting some dude I find hideous slobber all over my feet if the price is right. Although the laws around sex work have recently changed here and it’s unclear whether I’m even technically allowed to name a price. Plus for me to be at ease meeting up with a stranger I tend to need a little chitchat that makes me feel like I’m being acknowledged as a human. He’s kinda treating me like a foot-dispensing robot, which hints at a lack of empathy that doesn’t make me especially wanna be alone with him.

Oh, and before anyone says it, yes, I’d still meet guy #1 even if he hadn’t given me that gift certificate. But damn, it set my heart all aflutter that he sent it to me and instead of telling me exactly what to get (which, to be clear, would be perfectly fine – I have a list of nail polishes I like, and encourage “customers” to let me know if there’s one they’d like to see me in), he said that he just wanted to brighten my day and make me happy and that I should get whatever I wanted. So this is not about the money per se, it’s about him putting my pleasure first instead of being all about “I want I want I want” like guy #2. And quite frankly the gift did brighten my day, and now I associate this guy with the happy feelings I got from receiving my highly anticipated new shinies in the mail.

I’m…just gonna go back and look at the new pic of guy #1 some more. :D

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