A rant and a question.

Are mentally ill/non-neurotypical people  more likely to be completely self-centred and obtuse, or it is just that most people are self-centred and obtuse and a lot of the people I know have mental issues so correlation looks like causation?

The Veteran’s been trying to break into showbiz lately and has been scouring casting calls. She forwarded one to me that sounded like I’d be good for it. I probably would, too, and it’s sweet that she thought of me. It really is. But the filming is happening in another city – like, airplane-far from where I live – over the course of a week.

There’s just no part of any of this that works with my particular anxiety (and gastrointestinal*) issues. The Veteran is being like “Oh come on just do it” to a point where it’s coming off as more pushy and dismissive than supportive. It’s like…this is not a Lifetime movie where I face my fears and realize that It’s Not So Terrible After All and everything’s awesome. When I’m in a big/crowded/loud place (like, say, an airport or maybe a filming location) everything goes all funhouse-mirror on me, nothing I’m looking at makes sense, and I have a full-on panic attack. Actually, I don’t even need a place to be big, crowded, or loud in order to skew my sense of geometry and geography – those things just make my headspace exponentially worse. But technically a place just has to be new to me. On many occasions I’ve walked into a place and mistaken a mirrored wall for just another part of a room. “Oh, that’s weird, The Bunny’s friend has two dining tables.” “The hairdresser motioned me to sit in a chair but did she mean that chair or the one next to it?”

Y’know who else confuses mirrors with more room? Budgies. When I’m anxious I get as stupid as a motherfucking budgie. This does not especially make me feel confident about travelling alone to a city I’ve never been to. I could get lost in the hotel. I’m not kidding. Last time I was in a hotel was with Mine last summer when he came to my city for a concert (it was our second date and I wasn’t ready to let him stay over yet). The hallway to his room was so ridiculously convoluted that once we were in his room I had no idea how to get back to the elevator. I needed him to walk me there the next day.

And The Veteran suffers from anxiety, too! …Although now that I think about it I don’t think it manifests itself in panic over new places. Still though. One might have hoped she’d be more empathetic.

But I just realized I don’t have any valid photo ID so nobody would let me get on a plane, anyway. Ha! Now I have an excuse not to look into this.

I wasn’t just asking “are people with mental issues extra likely to be egotistical, insensitive assholes” because of this particular situation, though. The idea has been on my mind for a while. I’ve just had a lot of incidents, with The Veteran and other people, where everything in the universe revolved around their problems and even if I was going through the exact same fucking things, they’d just gloss over it and keep being all but you don’t understaaaaaaand! I’m just such a special snowflake!!!!!! NOBODY CAN EVER COMPREHEND MY PAIIIIN!

For the record, I’m fairly sure I don’t do that. Yes, I see that it might look like I do, given that this post is mostly about how The Veteran doesn’t understand me. But in this case she actually doesn’t or she would not have suggested I look into that gig in the first place.

The phenomenon I’m talking about is, like…this kid who kept being extra-needy because anxiety and depression, and I tried my best to keep up with his high-maintenance-ness, but when I said I couldn’t write as often as he might want, because I too have anxiety and depression and being a good pen pal taxes my resources at the best of times (and that was not the best of times; I’d just broken up with Minx and was struggling financially), he gave no fucks at all. And in fact shortly after that conversation he helpfully sent me a link to a webpage about how to deal with someone who has anxiety, so that I’d understand him better. Because apparently I was the person not being understanding enough in that equation.

Or this incident with The Veteran late last year. A few days later she texted me an apology for freaking out like that; I said that I totally get why she was freaking out because I’m the exact same way (with the procrastination and the panic and the shame-spiral etc.), and I’m happy to offer her support if she’s upset in general, but that the yelling at me like it was my fault was just too much. And she responded with something like “Well I guess any time I’m panicking about something I’ll just have to hide it from now on and put up a ‘normal’ front for you since you clearly can’t handle my emotions.” And it’s like BITCH I LITERALLY JUST SAID THAT I UNDERSTAND AND SUPPORT YOU WTF.

Soooo yeah. Shit like that. Is it common?

* Because with my luck, comped meals means “sandwiches for everyone!” and I have celiac disease. And even if there is a big selection of different foods, a lot of the time stuff that doesn’t (or shouldn’t) contain any gluten fucks me up, anyway. I think I might have food sensitivities I haven’t figured out yet. So yeah, that’s all I need – to be trying to make a good impression and perform on camera while bloated and/or farting continuously and/or pukey and/or sluggish and falling asleep.

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The irony, though…

…Is that I was totally feeling good about The Pedant and thinking that we were on track to years of excellent drama-free sex and pleasant companionship. I’d gotten some emotional distance and accepted that he’s not the type to be verbally effusive or text me all the time. I felt cared-for when he was around and pushed him out of my mind when he wasn’t.

And then this whole girlfriend thing happened and it’s bringing up the old bullshit all over again. Because I guess I got myself to a better headspace by telling myself he’s just not a person who’s willing to work hard at relationships, or who really wants to commit to anyone, so I needed to either accept that or move on…and now he’s committing to someone and wanting to work hard at their relationship (well, for certain values of “work hard.” He did declare monogamy with her and then fuck me the very next time he saw me…). And this commitment and work seems like it’s going to come at my expense.

Feh.

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Boys are dumb. :(

I’ve noticed that a lot of my women friends seem to have much more stringent standards of behaviour in a guy than I do. Too stringent, I dare say. There’s a lot of huffing about “disrespect” in situations that I honestly feel don’t merit it.

Like, over and over again I’ll hear some chick tell a variation of: “So I was chatting to this guy on OKCupid and it was pretty fun but then he vanished. Three months later he’s back in my inbox all ‘yeah I met someone I really liked and we dated for a while but it didn’t work out. Wanna keep chatting?’ How dare he! I have too much self-respect to be someone’s backup plan! BLARRRRGH!”

I can’t get my head around this vitriol. Maybe it’s a byproduct of monogamy culture where everyone wants to believe that they’re the only person their date could ever like; I dunno. My take on it is: dude is on OKCupid. Dude is casually chatting with a couple of chicks at once – nothing super-serious, no promises made. Dude meets one of these women in person: the chemistry is so great that he decides to focus on this one woman for now and see where that goes. Maybe the chemistry would have been just as good with one of the other women, you understand, but he met this one first and in monogamy-land you have to narrow things down to one partner ASAP or else you’re, I dunno, a player or something.

So he fades off OKCupid to do the socially proper thing of seeing how things with this woman play out without any other romantic distractions. It lasts a while but then it’s done. So he goes back on OKCupid to see if any of the women he was talking to before would like to pick up where they left off. Maybe one of those women will end up being the one he dates long-term. I see no issue here.

Like, seriously. If I’m not yet emotionally invested in a dude and he’s not yet emotionally invested in me and he disappears, I don’t care. And if he reappears and wants to keep talking…sure, if I enjoyed his conversation before then why the fuck not? But I feel like most other women require a guy to act like she’s the be-all and end-all, even if she’s just casually talking to him.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I have the same stompy toddler in my brain pouting “But why didn’t he pick me the first time around? Why didn’t he like me the most??” that most people have. I just don’t indulge my inner toddler. I remind myself that the dude meeting the other chick in person first was just luck of the draw. I remind myself that I wasn’t head-over-heels for him, either. I remind myself that it would actually be terribly awkward for him to have been head-over-heels for me, given that I wasn’t emotionally invested in him at all. I reminded myself, back when I was monogamous, that if a guy eschewed me in order to get to know some other chick, it meant he would have the courtesy to eschew others to get to know me. Etc., etc. There is no lack of respect on the guy’s part, here. He wasn’t treating anyone like a backup plan. He was just clearing his dating queue, one by one.

If there’s an imbalance of feeling – like if I’m more into a guy than he is into me and he knows it and uses that to string me along – that’s where I start frothing about “respect.” If a guy just assumes that he can bail on me and I’ll still be there waiting for him when he gets bored of the other thing he was doing, that’s when I feel like a “backup plan.”

I’m telling you all of this to lead up to some Pedant stuff.

As you know if you’ve been reading along for the past few weeks, The Pedant has another woman he’s been seeing and things have gotten to a point where he sees “long term potential” with her and will be making her a priority. While I don’t have any specific plans to break up with The Pedant per se, I do not see “long term potential” in him in the sense that I yearn to grow old with him and all that shit. Also I’m perfectly aware – and have told him to his face – that he’s not “primary partner” material for me; he fits my life much better in the role of hot-thing-on-the-side. And yet him basically agreeing that he feels the same way about me still feels like a kick in the teeth. The stompy toddler part of my brain hates this. Having a shifting place in someone’s life is something that goes with the territory in my style of poly, though, and I’ll process my feelings and get over it. But it still fucking sucks.

And then the idiot kicks me while I’m down.

Text conversation:

Me: So, is [girlfriend] all good with the events of the other night?

Pedant: As far as I know. Why?

Me: Because if you’re gonna have to bail on the sexual side of things I’d prefer to know as soon as possible. Sucks to look forward to something that gets cancelled at the last minute, sort of thing. I’d continue hanging out with you either way but I like clarity.

Pedant: Ah, yes. That makes sense.

Me: What exactly does “as far as I know” mean, anyway? [I had a feeling it might mean “She has no idea about any of it but ummmm it’s probably fine because reasons.”]

Pedant: “As far as I know” means that since she’s explicitly told me that she’s not concerned with who I’m seeing, didn’t ask about anything when I mentioned to her that I’d seen you, and has continued to ask that she and I use condoms until my blood screen comes back ok, then it appears very much that she isn’t concerned. Until she says something to the contrary, that’s the impression that I’m acting under.

Me: That seems reasonable. [To be honest I actually still don’t see how it adds up. They decided to be monogamous for the time being. She broke up with some people in order to make that happen. It may well be that the idea of him fucking other people doesn’t upset her – but if he hasn’t said “hey forget the monogamy,” then…isn’t she sitting around not fucking other people for his sake when he’s not doing the same? And isn’t that probably going to piss her off once she realizes it? Meh, whatever, that’s his problem.]

Pedant: Keep in mind that *I* am the one who said I’d feel more comfortable with staying monogamous to her for a short while…and that she’s going to be my priority. [I swear to god if he talks about her being his priority or uses the phrase long term potential one more time I’m gonna punch him in the fucking dick. Yes, I get it, I’m chopped liver, now STFU so I can work on getting over my hurt feelings kthx] There’s a chance that sometimes you and I might have a night planned that I’ll end up cancelling on in order to do something with her. So if you want clarity and guarantees, that’s something to keep in mind.

[WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!?!? See, this is where things clicked over from “this is unfortunate” to “he is being a prick,” for me and I was completely ready to tell him to go fuck himself and walk away from this whole thing. But first I would try to ask for what I wanted and see if he’d be willing to give it to me.]

Me: Ah. Well, cancelling on me to hang out with someone else (ANYONE else) unless there are extenuating circumstances is total bullshit to me, so there’s that. “I know I was going to come over but my friend who lives in Kenya is in town for the day” is acceptable. “I know I was going to come over but my other partner feels like seeing me so I’m gonna scamper over there now” is not. I accept that in any poly relationship I may have, my partner may need to go attend to another person he’s seeing. Maybe she’s being evicted and needs help moving. Maybe her grandmother died. Shit happens. [I was ramping up to add a “but don’t fucking ditch me any old time on a whim” here when The Pedant interrupted me]

Pedant: I’ll make a point of only making plans when I know I can stick to them.

Me: Fair. I’m big on consistency. [a few minutes later] Do other people cheerfully consent to being used as your backup plan? Genuinely curious. My mom taught me that breaking plans is terribly rude and I should never do it even if someone else made me an offer I like way better. Perhaps this is not as universal an idea as I was given to believe. So do you have people where you could say “let’s hang out on Tuesday except I might bail on you for my girlfriend” and they’re cool with it? Is the rage I feel at this idea mostly a me-thing?

Pedant: …No, although that’s not how I intended any of that to be meant. [How can he be so stupid as to think it means anything else?] I can see you’re upset. Look, I’ve always been really laid-back about plans and I never give it much thought if people cancel on me, so I tend to forget that it angers others.

Me: I just realized, I DO know people who’d be okay with a proposition as above. Because they’d interpret it as “cool, we’ll hang out if neither of us is doing anything else.” Whereas I reserve timeslots for people. That guy I had the date with? That was actually his second chance. Six months or so ago he was like “let’s do something on Sat” and I said “sure, where and what time?” and I didn’t hear from him for days. Which puts my overthinky mode into high gear. Like if someone else wants to see me on Sat, do I go? Will he be mad I broke plans? Does he expect me to hold the WHOLE DAY until His Highness deigns to select a time? Drove me nuts so I finally messaged him back saying forget it – concrete plans or GTFO.

Pedant: duly noted.

Me: Let’s frame it this way: I totally get that you’ll be spending more time with [girlfriend] than with me, and feel more strongly about her than me. I can live with that. As long as I feel like the centre of attention when I AM with you, and feel respected in general – doing what you say you’ll do, keeping commitments, etc.

Pedant: I follow.

Me: Does that sound like something you can do?

Pedant: Yes.

Me: Excellent.

Him saying he was willing to give me what I asked for made me feel better for a while, but now I don’t know how I feel. Will only making plans he knows he’ll keep mean I only see him once a year? I guess we’ll see how it plays out.

I’m not actually so sure he has deeper feelings for this other chick than he does for me, btw, despite what I said. I get a vibe that he’s more compatible with her than he is with me, and therefore really wants to preserve that relationship, but he’s not necessarily more into her.

He was the one who proposed the temporary monogamy with her, and he said something the other day about doing so because he figured he and I were doomed to blow up eventually (what with him being a dumbass who doesn’t understand human feelings and me needing things from a partner that he can’t or won’t provide…like an understanding of human feelings). He’s right; we might very well implode sooner or later. But why the monogamy? Why not date her and keep seeing me for as long as that lasts?

I think he wanted time away from me because he’s into me enough that it distracts him from her. And he knows that she’s the one less likely to get pissed off at him and bail, so he’s trying to focus on her. To “build a foundation” as he explained when he broke up with me.

But the very first time he and I tried to hang out as “just friends,” he still couldn’t keep his hands off me and reneged on his whole monogamy idea. So I WIN.

(I know, I know. Just humour me.)

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This is the song that never ends…

The Pedant dropped by last night to give me a second-hand cell phone he thought might be useful to me. He ended up staying the night annnnnd we (eventually) had all the sex. Which apparently did not violate The Pedant’s arrangement with his girlfriend. More on that later. Right now I’m just gonna tell the story chronologically.

He’d framed this visit as dropping off this phone to me, so I half-expected him to just hand it off at the front door and go. But when I answered the door and asked him “You wanna come up and annoy the cats for a while?” he said sure.

Dickface the Kitten – who usually hides under the bed when visitors come in the door and tentatively creeps out to say hi five minutes later – recognized The Pedant and came right up to him without hiding first, which was gratifying to see. The Pedant sat next to me on the couch and helped me puzzle through some of the basics of navigating this phone (it’s an Android phone and my everyday one is a Blackberry, so there’s a learning curve). As I fucked around with the phone I mentioned that I’d been really into the show Bojack Horseman on NetFlix lately and The Pedant said he’d never seen it. I put on the first episode to give The Pedant something better to do than watch me struggle to type my WiFi password on the tiny phone keyboard.

And he just…kept on watching when the first episode flipped over into the second. Even after I got bored playing with the phone and set it aside. I liked having him there despite wanting to touch him so badly that I could barely look him in the eye. I didn’t hint that he should go, ask how long he’d stay, or point out that it was getting late. I decided to just let him stay as long as he was inclined to. Maybe powering though my sexual yearning and exerting self-control would bring me to a point of being Just Friends with him faster.

My couch (which is actually a single bed with pillows and a beanbag chair leaned against the wall for back support) has a bunch of random crap taking up space at one end of it. The Pedant and I sat right next to each other. When some part of my body made contact with some part of his by accident a few times, he neither did the polite/awkward recoil nor let the contact linger. He seemed so nonchalant that I wondered whether I was the only one dying for more contact. But a few Bojack episodes in, he slung his arm across the top of the beanbag chair I was leaning against. I was scootched way down, so his arm was most definitely on the chair, not around me, but still…it sent me into a frenzy of overthinking. It feels like such high-school crap to analyze every move a cute boy makes, but sometimes I can’t help it. Would he have sat that way with one of his other friends? I feel like he wouldn’t. Definitely not with a guy friend, at least. Maybe with me he’s just more physically comfortable because we used to have sex. It’s probably not that he wanted to be closer to me, right? Or is it?

As the night wore on I began to notice him “mirroring” me – sitting up and leaning forward if I did, leaning back into the couch if I did (“mirroring” is generally a sign that someone likes you. Salespeople sometimes do it with customer on purpose to generate a sense of rapport). A few times I curled up in the foetal position, my head pointed away from him and my ass by his legs, and every time I did, The Pedant would drape himself over the beanbag chair that sat behind me. It’s like there was a rigid four-inch dowel connecting us, forcing him to follow my every movement but keeping him from actually touching me.

At one point I dozed off, slouched somewhat upright against the beanbag chair. I opened my eyes to see The Pedant looking at me. “Are you still with us?” he asked, smiling. “I’m drifting in and out” I said. And The Pedant put his arm around me and gathered me up against him. Perhaps he figured if he broke our physical touch stalemate when I was falling asleep, I’d be more likely to interpret it as comfort than a come-on, I don’t know.

So I dozed fitfully with my head on The Pedant’s chest and his arm around me, and when I eventually shifted position to face away from him, his arm stayed around me. And then he started lightly stroking my shoulder and I kinda froze like a deer in headlights, wondering how to react. I love being stroked; it feels amazing and tends to make me very vocal. I worried that if I moaned too much The Pedant would think he’d crossed a line into sexual territory and stop. But I was also afraid that if I managed to stay dead silent and not react at all, he’d think the touching was unwelcome and stop. I didn’t want him to stop. I like touches and snuggles, and really need them lately with the mood I’ve been in. I fully understood that The Pedant was monogamous with his girlfriend now and I was fine with him petting me as an act of friendship and nothing more. I compromised on the moaning issue by allowing myself a little noise just to let him know I liked what he was doing.

After a while, the petting extended from my shoulder up to my neck and head, and down to my bare midsection where my shirt had ridden up. These areas struck me as far more intimate than my shoulder. That’s about when I thought “Ah, so he’s gonna do that thing where he tiptoes riiiight up to the line – doing things his girlfriend probably wouldn’t like knowing he did – but telling himself he’s still obeying the letter of the law because he never actually kissed me or touched my breasts or crotch.” I actually hate this sort of rules-lawyering, but goddammit The Pedant is my Kryptonite and his touch just felt so good. His relationship with his girlfriend has nothing to do with me – it’s up to him to stay within their agreed-upon boundaries. I opted to continue enjoying what was on offer while being careful not to initiate any sort of escalation. I drifted back into intermittent cozy petting-naps. I thought to myself that if The Pedant could convert what we had into a friendship that included petting-naps, I could be quite happy. I love fucking him but being petted is more important to my well-being overall.

I got up to get a drink of water and a snack. The Pedant kept me company in the kitchen, standing absurdly close to me and – I could see in my peripheral vision – giving me an intense look like he was almost daring me to catch his eye. I wouldn’t meet his gaze directly. If we locked eyes I knew there’d be a big-time jolt of sexual energy – enough to probably pull us right into a kiss – and I’m sure that wouldn’t fit into his idea of being monogamous to his gf. And he did say he wanted to be monogamous to her for the time being. As with the whole first-time barebacking thing, I was determined not to violate his stated boundaries but figured if he chose to violate them himself, that was up to him. I resented him for putting me in that predicament again, though – telling me he didn’t want to do a thing I really, really wanted but then dangling it in front of me.

The Pedant had arrived at my place at 9:30pm. At around 1:30am, we finished season one of Bojack Horseman. I asked The Pedant if he wanted me to click through to season two and continue the marathon. I totally thought he’d say he had to get going, but to my surprise he said he wanted to watch more. Which is almost a guarantee that he’d end up spending the night; the bus schedules after 2am or so get mighty sporadic and inconvenient. I was surprised that he’d opt to strand himself here for like six more hours, since I was definitely sensing sexual tension from him by then and we were supposed to be platonic so why put himself in temptation like that? But again I remembered the first time we fucked without a condom – how much delight he seemed to take in teasing himself (and incidentally me) with the thing he said he wouldn’t do. Dude clearly has a thing for forbidden fruit.

Now, I myself am definitely not immune to the thrill of temptation and taboo. I get it. I really do. But I don’t especially enjoy torturing myself with it. The Pedant for whatever reason is a weak spot of mine but if I met some brand new person right now whom I couldn’t have but was super attracted to, I’d simply avoid spending time alone with them. The Pedant, conversely, really seems to revel in deliberately pushing his own envelope. Or at least, he does with me. Maybe I’m his weak spot, too. But I do wish he’d figure out a way to titillate himself with his little temptation games without putting me through the wringer.

Anyway. I put on season two and made us some food and we ate the food and then I resumed my intermittent napping while The Pedant gently stroked whatever exposed skin of mine he could find. I woke up at around 9am, just as the very last episode was ending. The Pedant said he should get going, and stood in my living room to begin the laborious process of lint-brushing every single cat hair off his clothes (he’s ridiculously meticulous about this).

He lamented the fact that he was without sunglasses or a hat (he’s obsessive about sun protection but hadn’t brought any because he’d expected to leave my place at night). I said I had some sunblock he could use, and got up to get it, but there was only one path from the couch to the bathroom and The Pedant was standing in it. He didn’t step aside when I got up. I ended up standing awkwardly in front of him. He thanked me for having him over and I hugged him and the hug turned into a friggin’ odyssey of clutching and touching while carefully keeping our faces averted from each other so as not to kiss. Which was pretty ridiculous and I swear I wanted to point that out – to say “Soooo do you really think your girlfriend would be okay with what we’re doing here?” but I couldn’t make myself form the words. I restricted myself to types of touching that could still plausibly be considered “platonic” (if it weren’t for The Pedant moaning so much…) and at first he did, too. But then he started resting his hands on my ass and that definitely seemed to me to be crossing a line. I still couldn’t make myself point out the inappropriateness. I did manage to gently disengage and say “I should go find you that sunscreen” by way of causing a diversion and ending this whole farce – but The Pedant ignored my words and pulled me back into the hug. He started massaging my back and pulled my tank top straps aside for better access to my shoulders, which, again…not terribly platonic. But the massage was really good. Everything was really good. My only hesitation was over the whole “girlfriend” thing.

“I hope it’s okay if we’re still affectionate with each other,” The Pedant murmured.

“I like affection and will stay within whatever boundaries you set,” I said.

The Pedant took me by the shoulders and steered me around, indicating that I should sit on my knees on the couch with my back to him and he’d massage me some more. Which he did, this time pulling the back of my tank top up and hooking it over my shoulders (it caught up under my breasts in front, so those weren’t exposed)(but srsly, Pedant? This is acceptable behaviour for a guy in a relationship?). My back’s been pretty wonky lately and I really needed that massage – The Pedant had me pretty much howling. I took it for as long as I could (he was using a lot of pressure, which I love but can’t take for very long). Then I turned and sat on the couch the right way ’round. The Pedant tipped my face upward and massaged my temples between his hands for a minute, and then suddenly (my eyes were closed so this took me somewhat off-guard, though I figured it would happen eventually) he was kissing me. Which would have been totally hot if he’d used any finesse at all, but when The Pedant is really turned on, kissing skills go completely out the window. He was surely pent up from the twelve-ish hours of being “platonic” so he basically ambushed me with a sloppy wet avalanche of mouth.

Okay, I admit it, it was a little bit hot anyway because forbidden fruit and breaking the sexual tension and all that. But after a minute or so I struggled up out of The Pedant’s mouth attack and asked him “Okay, so where are your boundaries?” Basically, I wanted to know if he was cheating. And I wanted to know what he was comfortable with me doing to/with him, because this business of remaining relatively passive and following his lead was making me insane.

“I’m pretty sure I can do anything and it’ll be fine,” The Pedant said. “It was actually my idea to do the monogamy thing, not hers. I don’t feel like she really cares one way or the other.” (They were both poly and seeing multiple people before that, which is why I didn’t feel too guilty about all the ambiguous canoodling between The Pedant and I; she’s not the kind of person who freaks out over the idea of a partner fucking someone else. This whole monogamy thing was an arbitrary line they drew and I figured that even if The Pedant was transgressing with me, it would most likely lead to a wee discussion like the one I had with Mine that time, not huge betrayal-feelings and crying and shit. If this woman had been the monogamously-wired, “the thought of you touching someone else makes me wanna throw up” type, I’d’ve been more likely to put my foot down).

The Pedant reiterated what great long-term potential he felt they had together – god I’m sick of him using that phrase – and talked about how she has a lot of the same weird social glitches that he does. Things like not needing any contact between visits and stuff. Apparently both of them have pissed off partners and been dumped because of that stuff, and now they’ve found each other. It’s really kind of sweet and I couldn’t help but “d’awwww.”

He went on to say that he thinks he might be sorta bad for me because I do need frequent contact etc. Like basically I don’t have long-term potential with him because he assumes at some point I’ll get sick of these ways in which we mismatch, plus he’ll be giving me even less attention now because he has this other relationship taking up his focus. In retrospect I think he may have been implying that he’d decided to be monogamous with this chick for my sake – to end our relationship amicably before it inevitably self-destructs. But ultimately he told me that if I felt I could handle things then we might as well ride it out for as long as it’ll go.

“I assume I’m getting replaced as the one you’re fluid-bonded with, though?” I said.

The Pedant initially didn’t know what I meant, but when I explained it he confirmed that this is correct. He’s going to use condoms with everyone for a while, then get STI tested and if everything comes out okay, girlfriend is the one who gets his unsheathed cock. Not me anymore. “…But that was never the main draw, anyway, right? That was just the icing on the cake. We’ll still have the affection and the closeness and the power play – which I know you love, and I have to say I really enjoy you being aggressive with me.”

“Yeah. That’s the cake,” I said. I opted not to dwell on losing the “icing” but I must admit I am sad about it. I didn’t ask about his girlfriend’s birth control status, but I tend to assume she has an IUD or is on the pill since pretty much every woman on Earth seems to be but me. If she is indeed on birth control, she could pick anyone to fluid-bond with. The Pedant’s vasectomy is wasted on her. Plus it’s hard not to feel hurt that this particular privilege is being abruptly transferred from me to someone else.

But anyway. Allegedly The Pedant was free to fuck me and always had been (which made the ridiculous tension and self-denial of the past twelve hours a completely pointless exercise that he could have ended at any time…I’m fairly pissed that he put me through that). The (imaginary!) physical limits had been lifted off me and I intended on getting the sex I’d been longing for all night.

We continued making out while I stripped him down to his boxers. I’ll say one thing about his stupid pointless temporary “let’s hang out but not get intimate” rule – the self-discipline and sexual tension had left him so. Turned. On. He was in that state where he’d whimper if I touched him anywhere. During our ridiculous extended goodbye hug he’d been moaning just from my hand resting on his arm.  So hot.

The Pedant and I moved to the bedroom and made out some more. The boxers came off and I started just sort of idly playing with his cock while fingering his nipples with my free hand. He said “you’re going to make me come.”

I stopped the stroking and nipple play immediately and firmly squeezed the head of his cock to calm things back down – an old sex-prolonging trick I’d read about somewhere (if you’re fucking and he gets close, withdraw and squeeze the head of his cock in your hand until the urge passes). “It is tempting,” I said, “but – ” and I never got to finish that sentence because The Pedant’s cock began erupting in my hand anyway. “Oh, hey…!” I said, startled, and quickly started jerking him off so as to milk the maximum amount of pleasure out of him. The orgasm hit him hard and afterwards he fell asleep pretty much immediately. I don’t begrudge him this; he works nights usually so this was probably just about his bedtime, and he’s bad at staying awake after an orgasm at the best of times.

Premature ejaculation – as you may know if you’ve read enough entries here – is a kink of mine. I’ve rarely gotten to witness it, though. It was so fascinating and hot. Like I’m sure when The Pedant gave me the heads up, he thought he was a couple minutes away from orgasm and wanted to give me the option of stopping stimulation and drawing out the encounter longer. But instead his cock just began throbbing in my hand, pumping out semen, even though I was only holding it and not even rubbing. If I hadn’t immediately started jerking him off, I think it would’ve been just an ejaculation with no orgasm – like he’d just been turned on for so long that his body was finally like “fuck it, I give up, I gotta get rid of this load right now.” A purely mechanical surrender.

So yay hotness, but at the same time I was kinda disappointed that The Pedant wound me up all night long with (I thought) no hope of consummation, and then once I finally got the go-ahead to sex him up it was over in five minutes without me getting the PIV or the orgasms I was craving. Kind of anti-climactic.

I cuddled up to The Pedant and slept, but only for an hour or two – I’d already gotten some intermittent sleep over the course of the night, after all. He hadn’t, so I left him in bed and went off and did other things for a bit. I went back after another couple hours and kissed and groped him a bit, hoping he’d wake up so I could fuck him, but no dice. I left the room again and fucked around on the internet for a while.

At I think 6pm, The Pedant’s cell phone alarm went off – presumably that’s when he usually wakes up for work, although tonight was one of his nights off. I went back into the bedroom, straddled him, and said “I have a date at 8pm so I have to leave in like an hour and a half. But I’m hoping for some action in the meantime if you’re up for it.” The Pedant’s rueful laugh did not inspire a lot of confidence on the PIV front. He did pointedly ask me if my vibrator was plugged in, though. Hooray! Orgasms!

I tried to make out with him for a while but there was no spark there; no urgency. The Pedant was pretty obviously still spent from earlier and just humouring me with the making out. I cut to the chase and had him stimulate my g-spot as I Hitachi’d myself to two tremendous orgasms.

After that, I gestured at the front of his boxers (he’d put them on right after his orgasm earlier) and said “Soooo are you open to me tasting you on, like, a purely recreational basis or are you just not wanting to be touched at all?”

The Pedant chuckled awkwardly and said “I’m still spent from before. I don’t think you’re gonna get anything out of me right now” and Jesus Christ how many fucking times are we gonna have this conversation? No seriously, we’ve been on a naked basis with each other for, I dunno, over a year now? And still every time I touch his penis (or ask to) when we’re not clearly in the throes of sexytime, he tells me I might as well not bother because he’s not going to orgasm. And then I explain to him for the bajillionth time that I’m not touching his dick to get something, I’m touching his dick because it’s pretty and smooth and I like to play with it. I think he genuinely feels like his penis has no merit except as a performer, and if it’s not ready to perform then it has no purpose and no worth. I mean he has no problem saying all manner of hurtful or blunt things to me so I think if the real issue here was “Hey don’t touch it when I’m not in the mood, it just irritates me” then he’d’ve said that.

But also? I hate to second-guess a grown man, but dude really doesn’t seem to have any idea when he’s up for sex. I mean five minutes after the whole “you’re not gonna get anything out of it”/”That’s not why I’m touching you” conversation, he usually starts getting hard and we do have sex, after all. This time around it was more like ten minutes after. I wasn’t even touching his dick, this time; he’d said not to bother and his boxers were in the way anyway so meh. I wasn’t actively hounding him with makeouts to try to get him going, either. I just snuggled up to him – logging some last-minute therapeutic skin-on-skin contact before I had to leave for my date – and was idly stroking his chest once in a while and suddenly he started making those tiny soft whimpers whenever my hand got close to one of his nipples. It happens so fast, with him: one minute his skin is just skin and the next he’s this sensitive tactile playground where everything I touch is supercharged.

So as usually happens his moans totally aroused me and I started  kissing/licking/fingering his nipples so I could get an even stronger reaction. And after a couple minutes of that – and noting that he was definitely sporting an erection – I said “I would really like to bareback you one last time for old times’ sake. To actually do that with you and know it’s the last time.” And The Pedant immediately whimpered in excitement/anticipation and began to clumsily fumble off his boxer shorts.

He grabbed the base of his cock and held it vertical so I could lower myself down onto it, and he was just so vocal and squirmy and flushed and breathless that I expected him to come, loudly and extravagantly, inside of five minutes. But instead his moans kinda started to taper off and I felt like he might be going soft on me. He excused himself to go to the bathroom and as he left I noticed in confusion that I appeared to have dripped semen on his belly when I dismounted. A minute later The Pedant called out from the bathroom “Turns out you managed to get me off even though I had to go to the bathroom, which is quite the accomplishment.”

We talked about this some more when he returned: apparently when he’s turned on, it tends to block out the feeling of a full bladder so he doesn’t realize he has to pee; and yet, having to pee while he’s fucking will usually keep him from orgasming. This time, however, he did orgasm (or at least ejaculate) but it was so subtle he didn’t know for sure it had happened until he got a look at his dick after.

Dammit, that’s two anti-climactic climaxes. And after an entire night of buildup, too. I’d really been craving one of our signature super-intense fucks that ends in him coming so hard he has full-body convulsions and makes sobbing sounds for five full minutes afterward. I kinda wanna ask for a do-over next time – I want a proper send-off for the barebacking, dammit! – but I’m afraid it’ll look like I’m not respecting The Pedant’s request to start using condoms again. Like, I’m afraid it’ll seem like I’m whining for one more freebie every time I see him. I guess I’ll play it by ear.

I had to leave for that date so we hustled out of there as fast as possible. The Pedant kissed me goodbye on the sidewalk and said he’d see me soon (could he possibly mean that? He supposedly plans on devoting most of his free time to his primary partner now, after all…).

The date ended up being brief and kinda weird (I’ll probably talk about that later). When I got home I texted The Pedant telling him this and said that overall I’d rather have just continued hanging out with him, instead. He said if he’d known the date was gonna be so short he would’ve waited at my place for me to return. I said if I’d known the date was gonna be so short, I would’ve suggested that.

“We’ll get together another time,” he texted back. “As long as you’re okay with my nocturnal schedule, I can make time for you on a day off.”

Cool. :)

I’m wondering if there are ways for me to generate that sexy “forbidden fruit” energy with him on purpose, without there actually being a forbidden fruit in play. Like, I dunno, going out in public with him (where he usually really doesn’t want to participate in public displays of affection) and then bringing him back here where he can finally touch me. Or inventing some bullshit reason why we have to be really quiet when we fuck and then going all-out to do the shit that makes him wanna scream.

I’m also wondering what the deal is with his girl. The Pedant has never lied to me as far as I know; he has his issues but a lack of integrity doesn’t seem to be one of them. So he probably does believe that his girl will be fine with him having fucked someone else. I don’t see how that can be true, but he knows her better than I do (I don’t know her. At all. Haven’t met her, tried to find her Facebook profile but couldn’t) so all I have to go by is what he tells me. Maybe he’s misconstrued some things about their relationship and they’re gonna have a fight about his night with me, or maybe not. It’ll be interesting to see how this plays out.

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Braindump

Bunch of random thoughts to get off my chest:

A few guys of my acquaintance – partners or potential partners – have drifted recently (Mine, paypet, a guy I had a couple of good dates with) and in some ways I didn’t care. Like, with all of those guys I didn’t even notice their lessened contact at first (compare this with The Pedant, where I was practically making a spreadsheet of how often he texted and trying to analyze the patterns…). I wished the relationships would magically revert to how they were at the beginning, when the respective guys and I were smitten with each other and in touch constantly and there seemed to be a lot of potential there, but as things stood I felt kinda meh.

I want to know what this means. Was I mostly just smitten with the fact that they were smitten with me, and when that faded, so did my interest? Or did my interest fade first and they sensed it and drifted, too? Or did we both just happen to lose interest at about the same time? Is this whole thing a pattern with me lately or just a series of coincidences? If it’s a pattern, why it is happening?

…Oh. Well. This is darkly funny: since typing the previous paragraph I idly texted Mine to see how he’s been. We got to talking and when he asked if I have any new boys, I told him I’m feeling kind of cynical and desperate in a way that couldn’t possibly do any good in the dating game so I’m taking a break. He said he hoped that wasn’t because of him. I said he definitely didn’t make me cynical, but that losing him as a sub may have sharpened the edge on my need, giving me that desperate feeling. And then I started to cry my fucking brains out like someone had thrown a switch.

For the record, when I noted back in the day that Mine appeared to be drifting and I didn’t feel anything much about it, I considered that this might actually be my brain putting up a wall so I wouldn’t get hurt. But when he told me he couldn’t be my sub anymore, I didn’t cry. I kind of tried to, even, but I couldn’t. So I figured we must have drifted apart to a point where our breakup wasn’t that big a deal.

And since then I’ve been having sleep disturbances and other issues that point to me having feelings I’m ignoring (avoiding feeling my feelings is an ongoing problem of mine) and I’ve been periodically trying to meditate, to focus on my feelings without judgement, blah blah blah but nothing came to the surface. I even asked myself a bunch of times “Self, are you feeling sad about breaking up with Mine?” and nothing surfaced.

But now it has.

Sooooooo okay. I’m gonna say that with Mine, I was suppressing my feelings and that’s why I didn’t feel much of anything when I noticed he wasn’t texting me as often anymore. And I suppressed my feelings when we broke up, too, because feeling sad sucks and I didn’t wanna. Subsequent boys were essentially rebound flings and I quickly outgrew them (as I usually do with my rebounds), hence my blah-feelings there. But also? Paypet and whatever other boys I’ve been seeing have served to remind me that what Mine and I had is not actually that easy to find. For the past year or two I’ve been finding fun partners pretty easily, and I guess after Mine left I thought I’d keep on finding partners easily. And I have…but now that I’ve had the kind of partner I’ve dreamed of for years, I realize that just “fun” is maybe not enough anymore.

I mean basically every time some potential sub I’ve been seeing has disappointed me I thought “Mine would never have handled things that way.” Every time I had a date with a potential sub but he just didn’t give me that vibe of wanting to serve and make me happy, I thought longingly of Mine, who just had a way about him that invited me to take the reins. I feel like a dumbass for not consciously noticing how much I held Mine up as the benchmark of all that is good in a man. When I left my husband back in the day I went on a huge personal growth spree/self awareness extravaganza that included noticing all the various stages of getting over my ex and being ready to date. One of the red flags of Not Being Over the Ex was comparing all new prospects to him (whether positively or negatively). I gave myself a rule that after breaking up with someone, I wouldn’t go on any dates until I felt that I could do so without doing the comparing thing. Later on, when I was poly, it seemed like I wasn’t comparing people after a breakup so I decided maybe my previous Rebound Rules didn’t apply. But maybe it’s not that my breakup protocols changed after becoming poly – maybe it’s that I just didn’t date anyone who left that huge an impression on me.

At any rate, I’ve realized now that I wasn’t taking the breakup with Mine all that well after all; I was sad but squelching it down. My convo with Mine tonight totally broke the dam and now I’ve been intermittently sobbing for a couple of hours and will probably sleep better tonight than I have in a month. And it’s clear to me that it’s time to batten down the hatches and do my usual well-oiled post-breakup healing routine. More-or-less. I’m not gonna break it off with The Puppy or paypet (not just for the sake of being alone and sorting myself out, anyway; I might dump paypet for other reasons).

Well, I originally had a bunch of other stuff I wanted to write here but things took a turn and now I think I need to cry some more and go to sleep.

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Relationship recovery

So paypet was broke and needed a while to catch up, ergo we haven’t played in a while. He’s also been texting me markedly less – we used to talk constantly and now I’ll hear from him maybe once every few days. It feels like he’s drifting but when I outright asked him about this he claimed that he’s not. I must admit I don’t really believe him.

This reminds me entirely too much of the long slow death of my relationship with The Bunny (or actually it’s a lot like most of my relationships near the end). The financial play here is exactly what sex was with other people.

Relationships take compromise, and if I said I wanted more mushy texts from a partner or more special “date nights” or for him to trim his pubes if he wanted me to go down on him because I don’t like hair in my mouth, most reasonable people would do that – they’d meet me halfway. But sex is in a different category; ask someone for more sex and you’re a pressuring rapist monster. I feel like asking for more money would be similarly violating or insensitive or whatever. So the ball’s in his court.

And so, just like with sex in my previous relationships, my partner can’t or won’t give me the major thing I need in order to feel connected and loved, and I’d be a horrible person if I insisted on it. All I can do is sit around and wait for him to initiate, and I feel like if I even prompt him too often he might feel pressured and start to hate me so I just have to shut up and pretend that I’m not essentially going into withdrawal.

Shutting up and waiting for my partner to take the initiative then frustrates me doubly because paypet’s and my deal (and with The Bunny, too) was that I’m supposed to be dominant and he’s supposed to be submissive, and essentially he’s taken my control away. So the whole dynamic we’re founded upon has fallen apart and now there are two major things I’m not getting: the act (of sex or spending) itself and the thrill of controlling it.

And my partner doesn’t seem into me anymore and I wonder whether it’s partly because I’m not the fearless dominant I was before, but I can’t be because he can’t or won’t do the only thing I really dominated him at.

So now we’re in the all-too-familiar phase where I feel bruised, rejected, and wing-clipped, and every instinct is screaming that the relationship is dying, but for some fuckin’ reason (stringing me along? Too stupid to see what’s happening?) my partner insists that it’s just a temporary hitch and really things are fine. But even if he does turn out to still be into me and want to stay, it’s hard for me to imagine the relationship regaining its equilibrium.

Oh, and also (and I guess the sexual equivalent of this would be accusations of cheating?), someone’s been making online purchases using paypet’s card and he asked if it was me. No, of course not, because he told me not to and I’m a responsible dominant who respects limits. I’m offended that he would even ask me that. At the very least he could’ve been like “I’m sure it wasn’t you but I have to ask…” but no, both times he was like “Hey did you buy something off Amazon recently?” Shortly after we first started doing financial play, he seemed to have rock solid trust in me. Now it’s shaky. I don’t like this one bit.

His next payday is this Wednesday. He says we can play a little then (I wonder what “a little” will look like?). I’m hoping we can get back on track.

Part of me wants to just bail because I super hate this “limbo” bullshit. But a) it would be shitty to break up with someone the first time they couldn’t “perform” – people’s finances and libidos go in cycles and a lot of the time it has nothing to do with me personally and b) it’s not every day I have play or sex that I really like, so I’d usually rather keep someone around casually and get what I can than cut it off entirely.

But did I mention that I fucking hate the “limbo” phase? Because I do. And I’ve never had a relationship get all-the-way good again after one of these phases. I’m left so flinchy that I can’t get my dominant mojo back and that always marks the beginning of the end.

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Poly philosophizing and a pity party

I’m feeling lonelier than I have in a long while. I do tend to go through waves of wanting to be single and wanting to be attached (regardless of my actual relationship status at any given time) and I guess this is my “goddammit I want to be coupled up” phase.

In my wanderings about on the internet I’ve read a bunch of things about polyamory, including the idea that for all the evangelizing some poly people do about having found a new and revolutionary approach to relationships, a lot of poly relationships seem to be built on the shoulders of monogamy – these people are not really thinking outside the box as much as they believe they are. A whole lot of poly people are operating on the basis of “I’m in a relationship and it’s my primary relationship and NOBODY ELSE CAN EVER BE AS IMPORTANT so although we’re allowed to date others, they will be LESSER and there will be RULES to keep them that way.” A whole lot of others are in a two-person relationship but want a third person to make a triad and nobody’s allowed to date outside of this little polycule – so, monogamy but with more people. And if these arrangements work best for those involved, more power to ’em…although I suspect for many it’s just that they grew up indoctrinated into the cult of monogamy and now neo-monogamy is the furthest their brain has been able to stray from that. Same basic pair-bonding mentality, different execution.

The poly concept that resonates with me is relationship anarchy, where there are no enforced hierarchies or rules. Everyone just allows their relationships to form organically, and treats each one as a discrete unit – no overarching rules by one metamour that affect another. Because there’s a really huge difference to me between a partner saying “I can’t stay the night again;[other partner] has been feeling neglected lately so I promised her we’d watch movies together tonight” vs. “[Other partner] says I’m not allowed to spend two consecutive nights with someone, so I have to go.”

Which is not to say that I’ll never have a “primary” partner again; if I eventually have a person I feel more strongly about and see more often than I do anyone else, I’d call that primary. But I won’t have any rules about what we can or can’t do with other people and I won’t presume that my relationship with him is better than any of the others – just different.

The one thing I miss about monogamy and hierarchic poly, though, is the feeling of having a designated Person.

When you’re in a monogamous relationship, or a hierarchic poly one, your [primary] partner is your designated Person. That’s just how it works. If I’m having a crisis or need help moving or whatever else, my Person knows it’s his job to come assist. There is no question about this at all. I take precedence over his friends, his other partners (if any) – pretty much everyone. And everyone pretty much accepts this.

Doing poly as I am now, everything is uncertain. I am not the main priority of anyone I’m seeing. My occasional partner The Puppy, for instance, has a long-term girlfriend; they don’t have any big “rules” about their relationship as far as I know, but still. If I were having a huge emotional crisis and needed comfort, and called The Puppy while he happened to be watching a movie with his girlfriend…I honestly don’t know who would take precedence. Kinda seems like it could go either way.

And even if I fell head-over-heels for someone and it was mutual, no rules means no safety net. Not that rules work to keep a relationship intact, anyway, which is why I’ve eschewed them. But I do miss that placebo/security blanket a bit and I do miss having someone who outright says that I’m the most important.and have first dibs on their time. It’s hard letting go of the illusion of security, which is why so many people, y’know…don’t.

tl;dr I miss feeling like I have a partner who’s committed to me, and on some level I guess I worry that I’ll never have that again because I’ve willfully turned my back on a bunch of the things people do to show commitment.

And I’m still upset that The Pedant – who by his own admission doesn’t feel feelings like other people, and who‘s always been a die-hard open relationship person – bailed on me because he fell for someone else. He is the actual last person I ever thought would do that – fall for someone or become monogamous for any reason. When things started going fairly well between us again I expected him to be the most stable romantic/sexual relationship in my life for the foreseeable future but alas, no.

Having a rich web of casual relationships sustained me to a certain point (and maybe still could!), but I’m down to just The Puppy now; the various other people I’ve been kinda/sorta seeing seem to have drifted. Even paypet is barely talking to me anymore; he did finally respond to my last text message about renegotiating our terms, saying “let’s discuss it tomorrow” and I said okay but the “tomorrow” in question was yesterday and he didn’t even poke his face into the messaging app all day. Dead silence.

I could look for more people but I’m just tired of it. Now feels like a time to give up on dating for a while and recharge, lonely though I may feel.

Sigh.

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