I’ve been texting with a dude from FetLife – and we’ve met in person once, too – but ehhhhh…I’m not sure his pros outweigh his cons.
One of the things that drew me to him initially is that he’s about my age. I figured it’d be a nice change from all the 27 year olds. It’s ironic, then, that he comes off really teenaged, to me. He’s goth (another thing I liked) but like, really hung up on what a speshul little snowflake this makes him. I remember the goth kids being like that when I was in high school.
Dude proudly announced to me that he’s worn a Christian Death t-shirt to a church gathering before, and expected me to swoon at his outrageousness or something. Dude…I don’t care. Actually I think that was somewhat in bad taste, unless you threw the t-shirt on without consciously registering the name of the band. And he bragged about some time that he asked the organizer of a fetish event what the dress code was; the organizer was like “all black, maybe with boots or something” and dude was all “I don’t even have to change out of my everyday clothes, then!” Fine, you wear Doc Martens and black pants and t-shirts most days; here’s a cookie.
He told me that he “gets really dark sometimes”, and gave me examples of things he’s said that were like totally dark and shocking and stuff – again with the expectation that I would be impressed. The funny thing is, none of his examples seemed like that big a deal to me. In fact at one point in one of our text conversations he was like “Ugh, this has been such a stressful day that I just wanna stare at the wall and listen to The Cocteau Twins.” And then followed it up with “Sorry. That was a little dark. I get dark sometimes.” Um…I’m not super familiar with The Cocteau Twins, but aren’t they just…goth music? If in fact the band writes songs that hypnotize you into raping your neighbour’s dog, then yeah, sure, he got dark. Otherwise? I think he just described chilling out with music you like in order to de-stress.
Just…with the constant one-upmanship and approval-seeking. And he’s 39.
The in-person meeting went okay. It really was nice talking to someone with approximately equal life experience for a change. There was still a certain amount of talking at me instead of with me, but this was fairly easily overlooked. We have some overlapping taste in movies, and he told me about some I haven’t seen that sound cool. He said I should totally do burlesque – which I’ve been thinking about for a while now – and he had some ideas I really liked.
But then after the meeting when I got home he said a bunch of stupid annoying shit. The pinnacle of stupidity was when he made some crack about sending me a cock shot – which I correctly guessed would have been a picture of a rooster – and he bragged that “he’s not like other male subs. He has a personality.” He thinks that making one of the most-used puns ever is a sign of his unique and sparkling personality, you guys. And that it sets him apart from all the other subs.
I was like “I’ve seen at least three male subs on FetLife who had a rooster pic on their profile captioned ‘the requisite cock shot’ or similar. Also: do most male subs not have personalities?”
He said “they just all seem so ‘yes mistress, no mistress’.”
“What are you basing that on?” (I had a feeling it wasn’t, like, meeting any, but I wanted to be sure.)
And at this juncture he sent me a screenshot of some horndog’s shitty personal ad. Which, incidentally, was posted in a FetLife group for dominant women and submissive men that I hang out in all the time. A group where personal ads aren’t even allowed, btw, and get deleted as soon as a mod sees them. So the vast majority of posts in there are serious discussions.
I said, “The group you took that screenshot from is heavily populated by snarky, smart, awesome submissive men, and you chose that post to send me. I think you desperately need to believe that you’re a better submissive than most and are cherry-picking your info to support that idea.”
He admitted that this was the case.
I said, “I also think you would do well not to declare what ‘most’ submissive men are like to someone who’s had approximately two decades of experience with them. And by the way, ‘I’m not like the other subs!’ is actually the most trite, unoriginal thing you could say.”
He stopped trying to bullshit me about how he’s the best sub ever, but I’m still kind of gobsmacked by the stupidity.
This is not the first time I’ve instantly seen his motives, called him out on them, and had him go “Oh. I guess that is what I was doing,” by the way.
He was on some tirade the other day via text about how he’s super nice and helpful and he doesn’t do it to get anything in return, but he always attracts users who take advantage of his niceness.
I was like “but if you weren’t expecting anything in return, how could someone be taking advantage? Like how would that even work?”
And he made some statement in passing about how his exes obviously took his helpful nature for granted, otherwise they wouldn’t have broken up with him.
And I pointed out to him that the flip side of this sentiment is “if they appreciated what I did for them, they would still be with me” – as though personality and compatibility had no bearing on a relationship staying intact; as though a person could be coerced into sticking around forever if only you did enough things for them. I asked him whether he might just possibly be one of those people who assumes a partner could only love him for what he does – not for some intrinsic quality he has – and therefore tries extra hard to be super nice and accommodating and helpful all the time in order to bind a partner to him. He realized that yeah, this was totally correct. And I was like “that’s how you keep ending up with users. You can sense that they’ll make a lot of demands on you, and you think fulfilling them will be your ticket to a long-term relationship. Except relationships don’t actually work that way.”
So…he bills himself as a service sub when in fact he’s a clingy, needy ball of Nice Guy<tm>. Which honestly I kind of knew just from him bragging about being sooooo awesome and not even wanting anything in return. A truly nice person just does the nice shit without crowing about it, and I daresay a submissive does want something in return for his service – even if it’s just a conscious acknowledgement of the power exchange. Something was definitely fishy from the getgo.
Don’t get me wrong, it was fun after a fashion to see right through this guy’s concept of himself (on at least two occasions) and effortlessly dismantle it. Made me feel all smart and shit. But I think I need friends who are more-aware than that; friends who can actually help untangle my issues when I need it, sometimes. And I don’t see that happening with this guy. Also, his posturing and one-upmanship and general condescension (he needs so badly to feel like The Coolest Guy all the time) are a bit much to deal with.
I’m gonna try to pull a fade, I think. If confronted I’ll have it out with him, but I’d rather just vanish if he’ll let me.