Completion

It always bothered me when I’d see unicorn-hunting couples seeking a woman (it’s always a woman) to “complete their relationship.” I feel like a person’s relationship should feel complete all on its own or else it might not be that great of a relationship in the first place. I mean of course one person probably won’t have identical interests to yours, but is that what couples mean when they talk about someone “completing” them? Is it like, “I want someone to go to horror moves with because he won’t and he wants someone to watch sports with because I won’t”? TBH I never see unicorn-seeking ads mention anything about personality or interests so I suspect all that’s being “completed” is the both people’s interest in having a woman to fuck. BUT ANYWAY.

Personally, I never had any interest in being part of a triad or V. It seemed too complicated; too enmeshed. But now here I am. And Dandette keeps saying things indicating that my presence here makes things better. Maybe I “complete” them.*

From what I can tell, the cleaning of the kitchen has been a bone of contention with the two of them; seems like neither of them wants to do it and there’s frequently a standoff of sorts. Now that I’ve volunteered to be the official kitchen cleaner, everyone’s happy.

Dandette loves taking care of people and has housewifely aspirations (not kidding), but what makes it fulfilling for her is praise. The Dandy doesn’t give her that very much; maybe he’s used to her cooking. For me it’s an amazing novelty. Dandette does fancy shit, yo! She feeds us herb-crusted salmon and quinoa salad and stuffed chicken breasts n shit. Every single motherfucking evening I’m just gobsmacked by my good fortune, and I gush to Dandette about her awesome food, and she glows. 😀

Dandette and I are on an I-love-you basis now. The other day she said it to the room in general (in which The Dandy and I were both present) and I said it back and she was like “Seeeee?!? Cowgirl says it back!” so I guess that’s another thing she’d been needing.

I’m enjoying the effusive verbal affection from Dandette, too. And, obviously, the food. And she’s better at helping me with my anxiety than The Dandy is (although – and I’ve made this very plain to him – I intend to teach him as much as I can. Dandette’s presence is not a get-out-of-emotional-labour-free card for him!). I intend to help Dandette with hers, too (she’s been on a really even keel lately though so I haven’t had to).

The Dandy has in many ways been sheltered from the realities of life. His parents made good money; he went to a private school and then university and they paid for all of it; now he makes almost six figures. He recently bought himself a pair of $700 shoes online and it wasn’t even a big deal to him (this on top of paying for an $1,800 apartment and buying food for three people and two animals and, I’m pretty sure, eating lunch in restaurants every single weekday), but anytime I refer to him as “rich” or imply that he’s doing well for himself, he laughs and shakes his head – dude is not grounded in reality. Dandette and I both help ground him.

The Dandy is dominant and a sadist. So am I, so he and I can’t really play together. But Dandette is a submissive masochist.

So…maybe we complete each other. I’m still a little squicked by that terminology but at the same time I like feeling as though I have a place here; that there’s a reason I fit in. I like this living arrangement so far and I want it to succeed.

 

*Also, though, I was the one who pushed The Dandy to reunite with her, and I think she knows that. So I’d imagine she likes me a lot for that reason…

Panic bells

The Dandy and Dandette got it on tonight while I was home – a first for me. I’d actually fucked him earlier today (and had him get me off twice) and was quite sated. It’s not like Dandette was taking something I wanted. And I want her to be happy and I know she loves me and I know The Dandy loves me, too. But it still felt weird as shit, I guess because society has programmed me to believe that things like this shouldn’t happen; that it’s cheating and I should be upset; that it means he must love her and not me.

I put on some music and cleaned the kitchen and tried to just ride the feelings out. Eventually Dandette came out – having drained The Dandy of his life force and left him asleep in her bed – and we hung out and talked just like normal and my panicky feelings subsided. Since I’ve been poly there have been a LOT of little moments like this, where I’m insecure or panicky for no logical reason so I just ride it out and eventually the feelings go away.

What I’m afraid of in this current arrangement, though, is that I’ll agree to certain poly-type stuff, assuming that any icky feelings I have about it aren’t valid and I need to do my riding-it-out thing – but then I’ll realize later that NOPE, do not want, I’m upset for actual reasons and it’s not gonna go away. And then there will have to be a big awkward talk.

Consummated

I had a model gig last night and when I got home, Dandette was hanging out on the couch and I sat with her. She said she’d found out that when The Dandy is talking about his pen collection, he doesn’t even notice when someone’s playing with his dick. She said she kinda had to point out to him that she was hitting on him…and that because it’s been so long since he’s gone bareback (Dandette has an IUD) he only lasted thirty seconds. And that’s how I learned that Dandette and The Dandy had finally fucked.

I’m fine with it except for the huge, raging wall of jealousy over the bareback-ness. The ultimate insult to injury is that Dandette (from what I can tell) is a person who defines “good sex” around a guy being able to do PIV for a long time. I on the other hand have a fetish for premature ejaculation, specifically when it’s caused by the sex just being soooo hot or the sensations being sooooooo good that the guy can’t help himself (as opposed to, I dunno, a guy who just never takes very long and there’s no real reason for it). I got to experience that once or twice with The Pedant but that’s basically it – oddly, despite all the disparaging rumours about virgins, the ones I avidly sought out in my youth all took forever to come when they fucked me for the first time. And now The Pedant is all in love n shit with some other woman and has rescinded my barebacking privileges yet again, so I don’t get to go condomless with anyone.

I did tell Dandette all this. Not in a tone like I was mad about her sex with The Dandy or anything. Just sharing my thoughts. We commiserated a bit.

Then The Dandy came into the room. Dandette has grown to love picking on him, especially in conjunction with me. And The Dandy – though he’s dominant and not into being humiliated per se – always pitches a tent solely based on the fact that two women are paying attention to him at once. And him getting hard from basically being bullied kinda works for me, so I keep on participating. And so we ended up stripping his lower body in tandem and making his erection into a Hallowe’en ghost (Kleenex with a drawn-on face draped over). Then we decided to draw a face on his actual penis. It had a monocle and a curly mustache. And then Dandette mused out loud “I bet I could lick his balls while you suck his cock” and in some ways I didn’t feel ready for co-sexing him, but I wasn’t horrified enough by it to actually refuse, so that happened for a minute or two. Then I backed off and Dandette started going to town on his cock with her mouth. I kind of wanted to graciously excuse myself, but I also felt I should probably try to get comfortable with this brand new thing of seeing my boyfriend with someone else. Also, I felt like maybe Dandette needed a bit of reassurance that I was okay with the two of them. So I stayed and watched and petted her hair, but didn’t really engage. Eventually she came up for air and asked if I wanted a turn. I said nah, that’s okay – mostly because of the saliva factor.

But another factor in all of this is all the cultural baggage. There’s such a pervasive idea in society, still, that women are trophies doled out to men who do good things, and that men inherently have a right to sex in whatever form or amount they choose. And of course anyone who hears about our household arrangement is probably going to assume that Dandette and I are both submissive and just yearning to worship The Dandy’s cock like good little women (as opposed to what actually happened, which was more like me telling them “Oh, quit with the sexual tension and just fuck already!” so I could get on with my life) And The Dandy gets so goddamned smug when Dandette and I are both snuggling him or otherwise paying attention to him that it looks like he’s thinking “It’s true – good guys DO get rewarded with pussy!” Like it would be one thing if he seemed just plain happy, or overwhelmed by his good fortune, but there’s an air of gloating that I’m not crazy about.

And yeah, the moment The Dandy reconnected with Dandette, his brain went toward the idea of threesomes (Dandette asked him if he was thinking that and he looked all blushy and embarrassed soooooo). I’m straight and Dandette is bi but not necessarily attracted to me (I haven’t asked). Maybe The Dandy is just fantasizing and not thinking/hoping/expecting that it would ever happen, but I don’t know. And I’m reluctant to team up on him with Dandette sexually because I’d feel like I was fulfilling every sexist stereotype ever, not to mention The Dandy’s smug face would no doubt reach intolerable proportions.

And yet, in that little hiatus where nobody was sucking his cock, The Dandy made some hint that he’d really like us to finish him off, and Dandette and I both pretended we didn’t know what he was getting at because we both hate coy language and wanted to make him say it outright, and he did say it outright, and I ended up giving him a hand job for a bit while Dandette played with his balls.

Interestingly (it has only just now occurred to me that maybe Dandette wasn’t entirely ready to share one of The Dandy’s orgasms, either), Dandette made some remark about how The Dandy was barely making any noise or acknowledging us so really, we might as well just watch tv or something. I said “what should we watch?” (but was still totally thinking this was all a joke to freak him out, and he’d ask us to keep going and we’d go back to getting him off) and Dandette said “Futurama” and called it up on Netflix and The Dandy didn’t say anything so we did actually abandon his cock and snuggle up to watch a few episodes instead.

I think it was sometime after that that The Dandy and I engaged in a bit of light impact play with Dandette. I’m not sure I should have done that. I dunno. She’s a masochist and I’m a sadist and we seem to have considerable compatible interests in that realm, plus we could both use an outlet. But I have a horrible tendency to be really into the chase and then lose interest once I’ve “caught” the person, and I don’t want to start up some whole big ambiguously sexual thing with a person I live with and then one day just be like “Meh, no more play. I’m done with that now.”

At the same time, I feel a kind of pressure (more from myself than either of them, I think) to try to close our V into a full triad, if only because it would be so convenient and adorable and symmetrical. And also, sadism seems to light The Dandy up more than any sexual thing I could ever do for him and if we top Dandette together then maybe he’d associate me with some of those lit-up feelings.

Sooooo I paddled Dandette’s ass for a while last night and then The Dandy spanked her while I held her head in place by a fistful of her hair. And her face went all feral in a way I’ve seen on boys I’ve played with, and I simultaneously loved bringing that out in her but also felt like I was tiptoeing around some dangerous territory. Like, I should probably not be doing things that give her that face until I either know I won’t wanna back away from the dynamic anytime soon, or have an open talk with here where I tell her this may not be a thing I’ll be up for forever and make sure she gets that and is okay with it.

Aside from all that, there was a whole lot of mutual cuddling and Dandette discovered that I make happy sounds when she strokes the backs of my knees (and I let her continue but I’m a bit conflicted about receiving those sensations from a woman…petting is somewhat sexual for me but I don’t think I’m sexually attracted to her so I don’t want to mislead or use her. It’s complicated). At some point Dandette made an offhanded remark about how she’s used to being naked around the house (it seemed less like a targeted, territorial thing this time and more just an offhanded remark) and I said “I feel like I could get back to casual apartment nudity at some point, but right now there’s just way too much new stuff I’m processing” and Dandette said “Totally fair.”

I do like the idea of us all being comfortable naked though. If nothing else, it’d be easier for the animals if we could leave the doors ajar all the time. I’m forever closing the bedroom door in order to sleep naked and then having to get up to let some furry bastard in or out.

After our big weird night of quasi-sexual togetherness, Dandette said she needed to go to bed but it would be hard to leave the cuddle puddle. She asked The Dandy where he wanted to sleep, in her room with her or in his/my room with me. He looked to me and I said I’d honestly be fine with whatever, and I excused myself to brush my teeth. I really thought I meant what I said but when I heard The Dandy tell Dandette that he felt I needed some attention and she’d had him all evening, I did feel grateful. As we got ready for bed I quietly asked how he was doing. He said he was fine and asked how I was doing. I said it had been a weird night and I needed to process a lot of things, but I was pretty sure I wouldn’t end up freaking out or horrified or anything; I figured either I’d be up to continue along the same path of open sharing, or I’d start tactfully leaving when Dandette started sexytimes up with him. But I also said that I really wanted to have sex with him one-on-one soon, just as a kind of reassurance that he’s still into me as an individual person. He totally understood. We slid into bed and cuddled up together and I told him I loved him and for once instead of replying “I know” he said he loved me too and I had a brief little stress-release cry and he petted my head until I fell asleep.

A Weird Thing

So, how things went down with the three of us is, it came out that The Dandy and Dandette had been sort of dating again on our hiatus and he hadn’t told me (and then broke up with Dandette again pretty soon after I came back). Dandette had thought I’d known this piece of info. I think she’d somewhat made her peace with everything. But then the lie surfaced and The Dandy handled shit really, really badly (he told her they hadn’t actually been dating, that time, and he’d only fucked her because he was lonely and desperate!!!) and of course Dandette got really upset and a bunch of feelings came rushing to the surface.

A few days later I ended up comforting her as she cried on the couch. She said she didn’t think she could live here anymore but she didn’t know where she could go. She said she’d always been in love with The Dandy and had always wanted him back and seeing that he was mine now just hurt too much. I hugged her and rubbed her back and wished there was something I could say. I was impressed with her for hating the situation but not hating me. She really is so much more strong and badass than I’d ever given her credit for. I mean, thanks to The Dandy covering up the fact that they’d been having sex again, there were all these times that I would visit and think “Jeez, Dandette and The Dandy broke up two fucking years ago and she’s still acting territorial, get the fuck over it already!” when in fact she either believed we were both dating him at that moment or else The Dandy had just broken her heart again and she was stuck watching him dote lovingly on me (depending on what time we’re talking about exactly). And even as The Dandy hoped Dandette and I would bond and become friends, he let me say these disparaging things about her acting weird and jealous and never once said “well, actually……..”

Anyway. Setting aside how terrible this all was for Dandette, the thing about The Dandy’s lie that affected me the most is that I sensed it. I’d see the two of them act overly familiar and I’d be like “So…you’re broken up, though, right?” and he’d say yeah, no sexual attraction at all, and then they’d get into a playfight that clearly aroused both of them and I’d quietly ask again later, “you’re really just friends?” and he’d say yeah, she was like family to him. (For that matter Dandette referred to him as her brother, once, but I think she was trying to suppress her real feelings; I don’t fault her for that or think of her as deceiving me). And I’m thinking “I don’t have siblings, but I feel like…this…isn’t….normal……..?”

It wasn’t the idea that The Dandy and Dandette might have unresolved feelings that bugged me (or…not much, anyway). It was the huge, huge gulf between the words and actions. That’s why I repeatedly asked him “but there’s really nothing going on?” – because it one hundred percent seemed like there was and The Dandy kept insisting there wasn’t and I felt like I was going crazy! It was actually a tremendous relief to learn what was actually going on. I’m not crazy. I did see sexual tension. They weren’t acting like siblings.

And it was crushing to see Dandette so sad, and it was obvious to me that The Dandy was still drawn to her in some capacity, so the next day when The Dandy and I were alone together on an errand at my old apartment I said “Look, do you love Dandette?” and he said yeah, he felt like he still did. And I told him that if he wanted to resume things with her (in addition to being with me) I’d be fine with it. I mean I’d already witnessed them being really damn couple-y; the only thing that would change if they made it official is they’d be making out and fucking again. Which would be weird for me at first but I was sure the weirdness would pass.

He said the main reason he hadn’t gotten back together with her before is that she really, really relies on sexual attention from men for validation, and he was afraid of her getting too dependent on him for that, especially since she already depends on him for food and shelter. He also said that he worried that she only wanted him because she’s kinda single right now and his dick was convenient to her. He would want to make sure her interest in him was genuine before proceeding. That’s fair. He also said, though, that in the past he’d been hesitant to get back together with her because her anxiety issues were huuuuge and he was the only one she went to for help. Now she’s in treatment and she’s got me there to help, too, so he’s not dealing with it all by himself. He said he felt like maybe they could get back together and it would work.

So we decided to talk things out with Dandette that night. Or maybe just I decided. On the way home from my old place The Dandy needed to stop by his aunt’s for a bit, so we did that. And she was very nice and it was a pleasant visit but I was antsy as fuck wanting to get out of there and have The Talk with Dandette. The Dandy didn’t seem antsy at all, and when we got home he acted perfectly normal and didn’t broach the subject of reuniting. It occurred to me that he had less reason to broach than I did; he wasn’t the one feeling like an interloper. I was stuck in the middle of their drama in a way that he kinda…wasn’t.

At any rate, we got home and said hi to Dandette and discussed what to have for dinner and Dandette declared an intention of throwing on some Futurama for us all to watch and I, with my usual deft subtlety, chose that moment to burst out with “So hey, here’s a question: you seem to rely on sex in order to feel desired, so if theoretically you and The Dandy were to get back together, but he wanted to have sex with me one night instead of you, or god forbid you guys just didn’t end up working out…how would you handle that?”

Dandette paused Netflix and sat frozen for a minute or two. Finally she slowly said to me “Are those your worms?” – she was referring to a thing The Dandy had told her in the aftermath of the Big Reveal – that he hadn’t thought it would be a good idea to have sex with her because it would “open a whole can of worms” (but then he did it anyway because lonely and desperate).

“I think they’re more The Dandy’s worms,” I said. (And yeah, I know it’s kinda bullshit that I was the one who had to pull those worms into the light. Feels like The Dandy spent a whole lot of time spinning his wheels and making excuses with Dandette after the Big Reveal, but never plainly said what was on his mind…)

When I’d been imagining this talk all afternoon, it went one of two ways: 1) Dandette agreed entirely too quickly that nah, it would be fine, we’d make it work” and then she cried and kissed The Dandy and told him she loved him and dragged him off for a reunion fuck or 2) The three of us had a really thorough, down-to-Earth talk where we made a game plan for how to make this work, and then Dandette cried and kissed The Dandy and etc. All day long I’d been bracing myself to deal with the weirdness of hearing them fuck, and also happily anticipating that moment of “OMG I never stopped loving you and now we’re back together.”

What happened instead was: I asked the question, she asked if those were my worms, I said they were more The Dandy’s than mine, and Dandette sat silently for another little while and then changed the subject. The rest of the night went as though nothing had even happened – but a day or two later I overheard her saying to someone that she and The Dandy were back together. But I know they haven’t fucked and I haven’t even seen them kiss and basically everything seems about like it was before except Dandette is less sad.

So the other day when The Dandy and I were alone, I asked “Hey, have you and Dandette talked any more about getting back together?”

“Not really,” he said.

“Because, like, we had that talk where I said that she depends on sex for validation and I asked how she would deal with that, and a little while later she started referring to the two of you as back together, but she never actually answered the question, is the thing.”

The Dandy chuckled and said “yeah.”

“And you never got a chance to talk about your other thing of whether she wants you or just convenient dick. We went straight from me asking a non-rhetorical question about relationship logistics to you guys deciding you were back together, with no discussion in between. I just feel like if this is what passes for communication between you two, there are probably gonna be some issues.”

The Dandy nodded. Then one or the other of us (I think him but I’m not sure) pointed out that there hadn’t been any sex or anything, either. We speculated as to whether Dandette was suddenly feeling a kind of  “stage fright” (not wanting to screw this up because the stakes are so high) or if she only wanted The Dandy when she thought she couldn’t have him or what. We don’t know.

I encouraged him to try to have the difficult talk with her at some point (the implication being: this is your relationship, so it’s up to you to manage it; I’m not gonna mediate).

Like, I don’t care about this a lot, because our present ambiguous thing seems to be working and for the most part this is not my circus and not my monkeys. But ti’s weird. Also I’m seeing a definite pattern of The Dandy not trusting his partners to hear the truth of things, and that seems like it’s gonna be an ongoing struggle for all of us. Feh.

 

Ah. There it is.

I figured my overwhelmingly huge fear of commitment would rear its ugly head sooner or later, and here it is. Maybe it’s here because I’ve mostly moved all my stuff over, so the where-will-I-live stress and the moving stress have dissipated and I finally have time to feel my feelings. Maybe it’s here because the wonderful FL boy is gone and I crave more sexy adventures but I share a bedroom with The Dandy here and this puts serious restrictions on what I can do. Maybe it’s here because my asshole brain doesn’t ever let me enjoy anything for long. But yeah.

Or maybe I’m feeling panicky and trapped because of a convo The Dandy and I had last night. We were lying around after sex and I reminded him how the first time I said I loved him, he wasn’t able to say it back, and I asked him if he could tell me what had been going on in his head then (it’s an old therapist’s trick to avoid asking someone “why” – that sounds like demanding someone defend their actions/choices/whatever, and can seem hostile and make the other person clam up. So that’s why I worded my question like I did. It’s hard as hell to not just use that word, though. It’s not a habit for me yet). He said that it was hard for him to say because he’d said it to people in the past and things had gone badly. I asked in what way and he shrugged and said “divorce?” Ah, so he wasn’t meaning immediate bad things happening after dropping an L-bomb, he meant that it sucks to say I love you to someone and then eventually have it not be true anymore.

I said that I, too, am cynical and feel like possibly all relationships are doomed to end. But I don’t want my fear to keep me from enjoying the fun beginning part, so I jump on in. Fuck it. But I also told him that my fears manifest themselves in other ways – namely, my brain or emotions will function with a guy, but not both. I can either be totally turned on and have great sex but feel numb inside, or definitely feel like I’m falling in love but my libido and orgasms are all messed up. It’s my brain’s way of keeping a little distance until I trust the guy enough to know he won’t ghost.

“Well, you’re stuck with me now,” The Dandy said, smiling (I think what he meant was we’re definitely past the point where he’ll ghost on me).  I smiled back but OMG IT’S TRUE I’M STUCK WITH HIM. The housing market is shitty and I have a freelance job that looks sketchy on apartment applications so I have nowhere else to go.

I feel comfortable with The Dandy, and I love him, but I’m not in love. In many ways this makes shacking up with him less scary because I have less to lose if things fuck up. At the same time, though, my being in a live-in relationship will scare off a lot of dudes and my not having my own bedroom will scare off most of the rest, so my dating pool just got a whole lot smaller. And I do want to one day have a boy or two that I’m in love with, dammit.

And the sex. Earlier last night I said to The Dandy that it’s a shame he has no erogenous zones other than his penis (he’s explicitly told me this). Then I mused out loud that maybe he has some but doesn’t know it because nobody had ever gone looking. The Dandy agreed that this was certainly plausible. So I went looking. Not too thoroughly, yet; just the common places (nipples, neck, ears, taint) but yeah: nothing. Or, well, it seemed like nipple stuff got a reaction but then he made me stop for whatever reason and I think it’d be douchey to insist that he liked it and should let me continue*.

My other idea was to keep on teasing him all night and see if that culminated in a stronger orgasm once we actually had sex, but when we threw on some Futurama and I intermittently stroked his cock, he didn’t get hard. And then I realized: that’s a pattern with him. His erections seem not to be a response to stimulation but a response to knowing we’re gonna have sex. If he’s in the mood for sex, he’ll get hard. If I’m touching him and he thinks it’s a preamble to sex, he’ll get hard. If he knows I’m just touching him for fun and I’ll probably stop any minute, though…nothin’.

Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy having sex with him. I have almost a fetish for a specific type of cock, and he has it; he can stay hard even when I’m using the Hitachi between us and just grinding up on him instead of thrusting; the physical intimacy makes me feel close to him. But there’s no nuance there, just mechanics. I can’t do anything to tease him or get him more turned on. He’s not one for dirty talk. Basically, I don’t feel like any of my sexual skills particularly have value with him. He’s just like “Oh, will we be having sex?” *sproing*thrust*thrust*splooge*. I asked him the other day what he considers “good in bed” where a woman is concerned. His answer was basically “She’s attractive to me, she lets me put my penis in her vagina, and she moves/reacts a little instead of just lying there like a dead fish.”

So this is the partner I ended up living with. This is my main source of sex. So utilitarian. Gahhhh.

Oh but here’s a terrifying thing: The Dandy is a dom/sadist and it turns out his main thing is needle play – which Dandette is into**. A few months back when they were fucking again, they did some of that sort of play. I assumed this meant, y’know, doing that thing where you stick needles through a pinch of someone’s arm- or back-skin. Nope – The Dandy pushed needles entirely through Dandette’s nipples and labia. And if I mention anything about needle stuff he lights up in a way that he never, ever has for any sexual thing with me. And I’m happy for them and everything but I also feel like I may eventually be totally eclipsed by Dandette sexually and that’ll suck. I hope that if it happens, it’s not until we get into a bigger place where I have my own room. That way I can easily pursue my kinky fantasies, too.

*******

I actually started this entry like three days ago but didn’t have a chance to finish. I resumed writing it today as though it were a seamless continuation but actually time has passed and I do feel a bit better now. None of the above concerns have gone away or anything; I just don’t feel as trapped by them.

I think maybe my little emotional shitstorm was mostly me coming down from the delightful visit from the FL boy – going from all that attention and submission and pain play to, y’know….not. I bottomed out a little. I’m starting to level out now.

 

*I’ve had it happen before, though, that a partner was freaked out by a sensation because it was new and uncomfortably asked me to stop…but somehow, later on, the act became something they loved. So it’s a thing.

**I fucking asked him before what he likes as a dom/sadist, hoping I could find some area where I could meet him halfway; I was the only one seeing The Dandy at that point, and I wanted to make sure he was fulfilled. He kept on saying he didn’t know. Later it came out that he and Dandette had been doing needle play a few months back when they had quasi-rekindled their relationship and that he had enjoyed it a bunch. He said a lot of his porn stash is needle stuff. I was like “I asked you what you liked and you said you didn’t know!!!!! WTF?!?!?” He said he feels conflicted about being into hurting people so it felt too weird to tell me. I PUNCH BOYS FOR FUN. HE KNOWS THIS. Where’s the trust?

 

Also

It’s funny things worked out this way because before Dandette even invited me to live here, I was beginning to open my mind to the idea of roommates. A bachelor apartment in this city costs $900-$1300/month, but I kept seeing roommate ads that were like “Come share our luxury four-bedroom apartment that has a dishwasher and two bathrooms and granite countertops! $700.” And the rooms in these places are not much smaller than the living space in one of the aforementioned bachelors, plus obviously I’d get access to a big living room and some great amenities.

Except I don’t think I could stand to respond to an ad like that and move into a place with a bunch of strangers. I could gather up some friends and we could all seek a big giant apartment together from scratch, but my friends all live paycheque to paycheque and I have my dodgy freelance gigs so I don’t think we’d look great on an application, and even if we got in somewhere there’d be the constant stress of someone or other being like “I don’t think I can pay my portion of the rent this month. Who can cover me?” every few months. Plus the only people I can think of who’d even maybe be up for a giant-apartment-with-roommates situation are my friend Red and (eventually) her long-distance fiance whom I’ve met once, and I’d be leery about that for a bunch of reasons.

And now I’ve found two people I feel okay to live with, and The Dandy makes enough to afford the entire place on his own so there’s never going to be any terrified scrambling to make ends meet. He can afford a bigger place than this, too, so he’ll be the one putting his name on apartment applications and they will accept him immediately because of his mighty money, so I won’t have to go through the application stress, either (I finally asked him outright how much he makes, btw. I might as well know if we’re dating and I’m living with him. $93,000).

AND, Dandette has shown she’s able to live with The Dandy platonically even if she still has feelings for him, and I know I can handle heavy emotional shit pretty well if I have to, so if the romantic part of things goes sideways with either of us, we can still probably make the cohabitation work.

Well then.

Lots of turmoil since my last post but where we landed is: Dandette is back together with The Dandy. And I’m still with him, too. And we’ve decided to be a family.

The Dandy’s smugness over (kind of) having a harem is still irritating as fuck to me, and the reactions we’ll get from other people will doubtless be irritating as fuck, too (I assume people will think she and I are both submissive and yearning to please and worship our man, rather than two people who just happen to love the same person and needed a place to live), but that’s no reason to fuck up something that seems to be working.

Almost all my stuff is moved in now, btw, and Dandette hung a bunch of my paintings all over the walls and made space in shelves and closets for me so I really feel like I’m part of the household. She has my back when I’m anxious and I have hers, and this is one reason The Dandy feels okay to get back together with her – she won’t be leaning on just him all the time. Although I’ve told him this is not a free pass to just delegate her stuff to me all the time because I’m also anxious and know how to deal with it – I’ll be teaching him stuff so he’s more effective, too.

We got on the waiting list for a three-bedroom apartment in the same building. It’ll probably take a few months for anything to come available, but that’s okay.

The three-bedrooms consist of a big master bedroom with ensuite bathroom, and on the other side of the apartment, two smaller bedrooms side-by-side with one bathroom attached to share. When we first talked about upgrading apartments, Dandette called dibs on the master bedroom – and since things were strained between us and her, The Dandy and I tentatively agreed to this. New plan: The Dandy takes the master bedroom and buys a king-size bed so we can all sleep together if we want (and this will also be the bedroom where any Dandy-fucking takes place) and Dandette and I take the other two bedrooms. In this way, if someone’s gettin’ laid, the other doesn’t have to try to fall asleep to the sounds. Plus all our makeup and shit can be compiled in one bathroom – ideal for sharing. 😀

On a whole other note, I recently met up with a lovely American submissive from FetLife who liked my posts and decided to take a road trip to explore Canada and take me to dinner. We hit it off and spent like three solid days together (mostly at the Air BnB where he was staying). And on the last night, Dandette invited him to dinner(!) and it went really well(!). The FL boy is poly and seemed unfazed by our weird little family dynamic, and is also personable as hell and expressed genuine interest in The Dandy and Dandette’s lives and hobbies. The Dandy wasn’t weird at all. And later, when the boy had gone and The Dandy was in the bedroom doing internetty things, I gushed to Dandette in the living room about how perfect the boy was and she said “we have a perfect boy here, too. You should go make sure he knows” – looking out for The Dandy’s feelings, just in case. So I went into the bedroom to check up on him, but he was totally, totally fine. And I thanked him for being such a good sport and told him that when a partner is supportive of my other romantic and sexual adventures it makes me love him even more, and he saw all the love beaming out of my eyes and he beamed a bunch back.

Oh also when it was time for FetLife-boy to leave our place and I walked him to the bus stop, he said something along the lines of “The Dandy is really cute. Go you!” – this boy is not bi, he was just showing me that he accepted my poly family and liked my partner. And then we made out a whole bunch while we waited for his bus.

My life is awesome.