I have come to the conclusion that I still have feelings of love for The Dandy – just not in a romantic/sexual way.
How could I not love someone who changed my entire life for the better by financially supplementing/supporting me – and never, ever holds it over my head? Plus he’s great with the cats and does his share of the housework and isn’t judgey about the things I spend money on – even though it’s his money.
I dunno, I just go through these surges of affection for him.
Today I had a bit more energy than usual and no particular plans so I ended up making a whole bunch of food for The Dandy – first a pizza and then, while the oven was still at 400 degrees, some butter tarts and then some blueberry muffins. (Most things I ever make in the oven bake at 350 degrees, but all of today’s items need 400.) So now he has pizza to last a day or two and snacks and breakfasts for a while beyond that.
When the butter tarts were done I took one in to The Dandy while he worked ’cause I know that he loves having food brought to him. He gave me the most beatific smile.
And then I even had the energy to clean up the godawful mess I’d made in the kitchen and throw a load of dishes into the dishwasher. I don’t often have it in me to cook and clean up right away; I usually need to rest a while after cooking, and it’s about 50/50 which of us ultimately attacks the mess first. I was happy to have it in me to do it right away this time. The Dandy is a bit OCD about the kitchen and it’s a good bet that he was happy about the food but also thinking “ugggh but the kitchen is probably a disaster now…” in the back of his mind, but I fixed it. 🙂
Later, I was on the couch internetting and The Dandy came in and gave my head an affectionate scritch without me soliciting it in any way. He mostly doesn’t seem interested in hanging out with me ever – which was a big issue for me when we were dating – and I always felt like he’d be perfectly happy to forsake all human contact and just sit on YouTube for all his waking hours. But (shockingly) he does kinda keep track of me. Whether it’s insecurity or a genuine interest in what I’m doing, I don’t know, but he’ll periodically poke his head into whatever room I’m in just to see what I’m doing. And sometimes (even though we’re broken up, even though I’m transitioning and he said he can’t be attracted to me if he thinks of me as Not a Woman, even though he said he can’t be physically affectionate unless he’s attracted) he comes in and scritches my head a little bit. And it makes me really happy.
I like living here.
And yet I’m at a point where The Dandy irritates the shit out of me every time he speaks.
Mostly it’s his thing where he can’t formulate a straightforward sentence (and it feels like it’s getting worse, but this may be my imagination), but partly it’s that he doesn’t listen to me/talks as though he assumes I’m doing the stupidest possible thing. I’ll tell him something like (this is a made up example, I can’t think of a real one) “the tv remote stopped working. And it’s not that the batteries ran out; I checked. Can we get a new one?” And he’ll respond “Maybe it’s the batteries.” A) didn’t I just fucking say… b) does he really think I’d campaign to buy an entirely new remote control without first checking the most obvious reason why it would stop working?
The really annoying thing is that I somehow keep forgetting all of this and starting conversations with him that I instantly regret:
Me: Hey, would Superglue work to stick wood to plastic?
Dandy: The, the – if you – the thing is – wood has a, has a, the texture of wood, the texture of wood is – plastic might be –
Me (silently in my head): …Fuck.
I know it’s uncharitable of me to feel this way. But I do.
Nonetheless, I still basically like The Dandy and adore him for essentially rescuing me from my life. So I guess I’ll just work on my patience and also try to remember not to talk to him unless it’s kind of urgent. 😛