The great thing about being poly is that you have a basis for comparison that can help you realize when something’s wrong.
Like, I was attributing a bunch of things about my sex with The Dandy to the fact that my body is getting a bit sexually dysfunctional with age, but then The Pedant came over and I realized that with him:
- I rarely need to use lube
- I orgasm more easily
- Sometimes he can even give me an orgasm – it doesn’t always have to be me doing it myself
In a sense I was right the first time and my issues with The Dandy are due to my sexual dysfunction – once upon a time I was an absolutely indomitable horndog who still got wet and came easily even if the sex had no foreplay or kissing or passion.
But I’ve always preferred foreplay and kissing and passion, and The Dandy doesn’t provide those things. And he still – despite my talking to him about this numerous times – doesn’t offer to help get me off.* I’ve realized that the only reasons I enjoy sex with him are that I love him, his face is pretty so it makes for a nice view while we fuck, and his cock isn’t big enough to hurt so it’s okay that we often get straight to it with no warm-up. If I lost my feelings for him, fucking him would hold about as much appeal as helping a stranger maneuver their couch down a flight of stairs – physical drudgery to a achieve a goal that only benefits the other person.
Anyway. None of this is even what I need to vent about today. It’s just context. Here’s the actual story:
My sex drive (at least where The Dandy is concerned) is plummeting lower than ever, but that’s sort of okay because he hasn’t seemed into it much, either. We’ve been just sorta peacefully coexisting without really doing sexual stuff – it’s like I entirely forgot about sex for a week or so, honestly. I didn’t angst about the lack of sex like I usually do.
A few days ago, though, I started craving him inside me. Groping his junk and hoping for an erection that never happened. A couple of days ago I said “sex later?” he said maybe, but nothing ever happened. The day after that I said “Hey, I wanna have sex with you. I know your job is really stressing you out lately, though. So should I assume you’re not gonna be interested for the next little while, or…?” He smiled at me and said no, he thought he might be up for something. Which I think is what he says when he’s not in the mood but figures his dick is functional enough that he could kinda force himself to fuck me anyway (so…not especially encouraging or flattering) and no sex ended up happening that day, either. I decided to give up saying anything – I made my interest clear and now it was up to him. I was annoyed as hell that I gave him a clear “out” and he didn’t take it, though. Just fucking tell me you’re in a slump because work so I can put sex out of my mind and not worry that you’ve lost your attraction to me or whatever. Easy-peasy.
The day after that (which was yesterday), I was hanging out in The Dandy’s room while he idly surfed the ‘net. He opened his robe and started manually waggling his dick at me to tease me, as he often does. But this time, as he waggled, he got hard. Unsure if interest in sex or simply centripetal force pushing blood into his cock, but cool.
I don’t wanna be that thirsty person who tries to turn every tiny thing into sex to a point where their partner is afraid to even cuddle, buttttt usually when The Dandy shows off an erection to me it is his way of initiating.
It was maybe 1am by that time. I looked at his pretty erection and said “I would like you to put that in my vagina approximately two thousand times. But the dog needs to go out so maybe we should do that, first. You know my legs always end up sore after sex.”
This is the part of the story where I begin to feel irritated: The Dandy didn’t use his mouth-words. Not to say “I’d really rather do this first and the dog walk after” and not to say “can we do something aside from penetrative sex?” although I suspect both things were on his mind. No, what he did was grin at me and wag his dick a bunch more.
There have been many times that we seemed to be building up to sex but had to do some domestic chore first and the sex never did rematerialize. I didn’t want us to lose our momentum. So I seized him by the legs, pulled him closer to the bed (wheeled computer chair) and took him in my mouth. I’d been craving the taste of him ever since he started to get hard.
I don’t know why I didn’t stop, at some point, and ask that we switch over to penetrative sex. I think the fact that he stayed in his chair and offered me his dick rather than getting up and lying on the bed felt like a signal that he wanted a handjob/blowjob, not PIV.
I’ve rarely felt as confused and frustrated with a partner as I do with The Dandy. In other relationships, sex seemed to happen a lot more organically and/or my partners didn’t hesitate to tell me what they wanted or didn’t want. With The Dandy I’m frequently left feeling like “Wait, is he hinting that he wants to fuck me? I want to fuck him. But I can’t tell if this is a hint from him or not. I guess I’ll just ask him if he’ll have sex with me. Oooookay, he smiled but didn’t answer me. I guess he doesn’t want to but he’s afraid of hurting my feelings? Maybe I’ll just back off and wait for him to come to me.”
I’m a little stupid about “soft nos” (where you reject someone with an excuse or whatever but never actually say No I Do Not Want To Do The Thing). I tend to take the words at face value (“Oh, he said ‘maybe later’ and that was two hours ago, so maybe I’ll try again now!”). As a result, I think I’ve accidentally badgered The Dandy a bunch after he said (or thought he said) no to me. I didn’t realize what was up until way later. So now I’m really scared of looking like a badgering asshole again and I try to err on the side of caution. Thus, I gave The Dandy a blow job because he didn’t join me on the bed and I thought that might be a “no” to PIV.
I was hoping maybe he just wanted some mouth stuff as an aparatif. I was hoping he’d stop me at some point and say “Hey, let’s switch over to penetrative sex” – given that I’d been asking for it for several days, and all. But no, he came in my mouth.
The thing about my sexual dysfunction is that I still crave orgasms sometimes – in a vague, barely-there way – but in order to have them, it helps to be really turned on. I can’t go from 0 to 60 in thirty seconds like I used to. And fantasies aren’t that much of a turn-on anymore; it kinda has to be physical contact. So, my craving for sex with The Dandy was partly an interest in intimacy and bonding, yes, but it was also a matter of “I can barely orgasm anymore and I miss it so please apply your penis to my g-spot so I get aroused enough to actually function somewhat normally.”
The Dandy’s penis is interesting; it doesn’t immediately retract like a scared turtle after he comes, like with most guys. He’ll stay hard for a while. And occasionally he can come twice in a row – I can just continue a handjob past the first climax and onto a (much more time-consuming…) second one. After he came, I kept stimulating him and he kept on being hard so in a wild fit of hubris I said, “If you have more in the tank, how would you feel about some doggie style?”
He said okay and I said “Cool! Okay so, you rinse the remains of this baby-juice off you and I’ll go pee and we’ll reconvene here.” And he said okay again. But this whole interaction felt really…weird. Like he took a while to respond both times and he seemed like he had something on his mind. I think he didn’t want to have sex with me, or wasn’t actually capable, or wanted to be capable but wasn’t sure if he would be, and didn’t want to tell me. But he claims that he is able to say no to me, so in theory everything was fine, right?
In my enthusiasm/optimism, I’d hoped to come back from the bathroom to find him hard and putting on a condom. Instead he was lying under the covers. I stupidly thought “Oh, maybe he plans to give me some amount of foreplay this time.” I got into bed with him and he petted me a bit, but it felt like regular affection, not sexy affection. I ran my hands up and down his side and over his belly (he’s said that sometimes he needs foreplay, too) and I didn’t get any sense that he was receiving that as anything but regular affection – his breathing didn’t deepen or anything.
We lay there in each other’s arms. At first he was petting me and occasionally opening his eyes to look into mine, but eventually his hand slowed to a stop and his eyes stayed shut. I started saying stuff…I dunno what. Maybe mildly dirty talk at first but eventually I was straight-up making random chitchat just to try to make him respond to me – he was seeming quiet and preoccupied and it was freaking me the fuck out. Despite everything feeling so good between us lately I honestly started wondering if he was working up to breaking up with me or I dunno what. All of my other breakups have seemed kind of out of the blue, so thinking things are going well is no guarantee of anything. I even asked “Hey, what’s going through your mind?” and he still didn’t say anything.
Finally I said “Is it me or have the sex-vibes entirely left the room?”
He paused again (WHY WAS HE TAKING SO LONG TO SAY EVERYTHING ALL NIGHT) and finally said “I think I’m made of ‘done.'” He lifted the sheet to show me his teeny, flaccid, maybe-actually-trying-to-crawl-into-his-torso penis.
“Ah. Okay then.” I waited for him to offer to do something for me, given that I’ve told him ten thousand times that when I get him off it usually turns me on and I want a turn, and that I want him to initiate getting me off more often, and also I’d been telling him for days that I wanted sex. He did not, so finally (to demonstrate what he should’ve done, I guess? Even though I wasn’t actually much in the mood anymore by that point) I said “Well. We could get out the toys and I could just get fucked.”
“We can do that,” The Dandy said, pleasantly.
So we did our usual thing where I used my Hitachi and he wielded my dildo. Annoyingly, The Dandy rarely if ever positions himself in an efficient way to do this. He just keeps on lying next to me and reaches over and wiggles the base of the dildo. The angle means that it’s hard for him to thrust per se and the heel of his hand is in the way of my vibrator. I tried to get off, anyway. Usually, the combo of dildo-and-Hitachi does get me off pretty fast, even if the angles aren’t optimal. But the pervasive feeling that The Dandy didn’t want to be there was hampering me substantially (he had his eyes shut and even did that thing of forgetting to move the dildo – I had to slap his hand a few times to startle him back into movement. Dude you had one job.) Plus I needed more stimulation than I was getting.
Finally I said, “This would work better, I think, if you got up and knelt between my legs so you could really jackhammer me.” The Dandy gave me a baleful look and I added “…Please.”
He got up – with a grudging air – and positioned himself as I’d asked. The combo of harder pounding and his hand being out of my way so I could use the Hitachi better did get me there, finally.
But that whole evening stirred up a bunch of baggage for me. I’m pissed off that he doesn’t offer to get me off. I’m pissed off that he makes me guess at what’s on his mind instead of telling me. And wtf is with his reluctance to position himself in a convenient spot when he’s pleasuring me?!? Funfact: when I decide to give him a blow job, I let him remain comfortably seated/lying down and I orient myself accordingly. I don’t insist that I’m gonna stay parked right where I am and expect him to stand up and contort himself everywhichway to get his dick into my mouth. I just…the whole process of him helping me get off seems grudging the whole way through, despite him claiming that he likes making me orgasm. He just gives me such a strong vibe of “ugggggh, I guess I’ll participate in this with you. But I’m not gettin’ up.”
*A while back, we did PIV and then lay around talking after and ten minutes or so later he said “Soooo are we doing anything else or…?” which meant “do you wanna get off or can I go to sleep?” What I’ve told him I wanted is for him to always assume I’ll want to get off after penetration and automatically be like “Yay, your turn, tell me how I can help!” but this was at least…something. My sexual issues seem to be getting worse (possibly just with him) so I actually ended up declining orgasms but requesting some petting. He did do that.