Hmm.

Okay, slight misunderstanding on my part over the thing with Minx. I had misremembered what The Dandy said Dandette had texted him: I thought it was “Now I know exactly why Cowgirl hates me. Thanks, Minx!”

I messaged Minx on Facebook with:

So, just to be clear: I tell you that until recently I’ve been living with someon ewho did a bunch of inappropriate and traumatizing things to me. And instead of giving me emotional support of any kind, you opt to TELL MY ABUSER WHAT I SAID ABOUT THEM. Is that about right?

Oddly, Minx responded almost immediately with a giant thumbs-up graphic; then twenty minutes later, without any sort of “Oh shit I didn’t mean to send you that emoticon” type of fanfare, she said:

Nope. She asked if you posted anything about her and all I mentioned was that you messaged me about your fight during Xmas.

I double-checked exact wording with the Dandy and actually the text from Dandette had said “…how much Cowgirl hates me…” not “…why…” so Minx’s claim checks out. Although, whether she told Dandette details or not is not even really the point. I have no problem with Dandette knowing precisely what she did to fuck everything up (if she hasn’t managed to work it out for herself from me saying “you sexually assaulted me when you were drunk” and, later, fleeing the room in a panic attack when she did the thing with the sword*). I would have spelled everything out for her in minute detail before she left except I didn’t want to deal with all the theatrical wailing and suicide threats that would probably have ensued, nor did I want to give her the impression that I was giving her a chance to apologize or promise to change so I’d forgive her and she could stay. There is no forgiveness. We’re done. But I want her to know what she did and I want her to feel all the guilt and shame she should feel for doing those things.

No, the point is that a few months ago, Minx saw that I’d friended a particular guy on Facebook and she told me he’d abused and raped someone she knew, so I cut ties with the guy. I didn’t have any sort of conversation with him about it, per se; I didn’t ask him for his side or get involved in any big discussion about it. I simply told him I’d heard he’s a rapist and I’m uncomfortable with that and needed to bail. I didn’t know his victim(s) at all, so it wasn’t a direct revenge thing; I just didn’t feel like someone who’d do those things (to anyone!) deserved my time or friendship. But now the shoe is on the other foot and a quasi-friend-person of Minx’s is outed as abusive and messed up – and one person she abused is me, and I thought Minx and I were close – and Minx isn’t telling Dandette “I heard what you did” and freezing her out for it. She isn’t even skipping straight to the freezing out (I don’t expect her to start some huge confrontation. Confrontation is scary, especially for Minx. I did hope she’d do me the courtesy of not actively engaging with Dandette anymore). It sounds like Minx reassured Dandette a little bit. Gave her some intel. I do not like it.

The secondary point is that there’s a long-standing pattern of me texting/messaging Minx when I’m going through a difficult time, and being met with resounding silence. Until now, I’d assumed she was in hermit mode due to anxiety and just not able to respond to anyone who messaged her (I get like that sometimes, although if a friend of mine is obviously in pain I manage to pull my head out of my ass and offer comfort). But no, turns out Minx is perfectly capable of messaging someone back, as demonstrated by the fact that she responded to Dandette.

Also it occurred to me that Minx’s language regarding the incidents with Dandette is pretty minimizing and that’s shitty. So I wrote back:

Ah, my apologies. I checked again with The Dandy and she didn’t text him that she knows WHY I hate her, she knows HOW MUCH I hate her (“Thanks, Minx!”)

Still. You can’t take two seconds to write me “I’m sorry that happened” when I’m clearly looking for support from a friend, but you’ll engage with Dandette when she talks to you?

Her taking a joke too far and poking me in the shoulder with an actual motherfucking sword is not a “fight,” by the way. Her sexually assaulting me and me confronting her about it after is also not a “fight.” That you would frame her actions as though we were having a disagreement rather than her doing things to me that she objectively should not have done is disturbing AF.

That was days ago and Minx hasn’t responded. She’s such a chicken shit about confrontation that I doubt she will – or at least I doubt that she’ll directly address what I said and apologize. She might remain silent for another five weeks and then try to invite me over for a movie marathon like nothing happened.

I’m about ready to let this friendship go.

 

*She seems to be in some kind of denial, though. Maybe she’s like my mom and represses shit that she regrets having done until she genuinely doesn’t remember that it happened. I don’t know. But the way she was super cheery and normal after every incident – and trying to hang out and socialize with me and stuff – was just…eerie. Like, after I told her she’s an alcoholic and pointed out that what she’d done to me that one time was sexual assault and said I don’t feel safe around her, she went out for a smoke, came back, spent about half an hour in her room with the door closed, then suddenly came out and lounged in my doorway all “wanna hear a cool thing I just learned from the nature show I’m watching?” and jauntily discussed fish with me.

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Traitor

A few days ago I messaged Minx on Facebook and gave her a debriefing of what had happened with Dandette – the sexual assault, the thing with the sword, her leaving, all of that.  Minx and Dandette had become FB friends a few months ago – having known of each other’s existence because of me – and I thought Minx might want to know that Dandette is not a safe person to be friends with. Also, I thought Minx and I were good friends and I was looking for her support through this trying time.

Minx has not responded. She goes through long periods of being a hermit so I figured this was one of those. Although I was disappointed she didn’t rise to the occasion to at least say “Oh, that sucks, I hope you’re okay” or something.

But today at dinner The Dandy said that Dandette texted him today – saying that Minx had repeated to her everything I’d said and “Well, now I know why Cowgirl hates me.” (Dandette has been either pretending not to understand what-all she’s done, or she repressed it.)

WHAT THE FUCK.

Minx, if you’ll recall, was the person who told me that a guy I’d just started hanging out with had raped and abused his ex. Minx asked me not to tell anyone that she was my source of info on that, so I didn’t. I simply told the guy I’d heard he was a rapist and I didn’t want to be in contact with him anymore. And now that the shoe is on the other foot, Minx is doing…this.

I’m so angry right now.

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Variation on a theme

A while back, I was having sex with The Dandy – riding him with the Hitachi wedged between us so I could hopefully get off at the same time – when he had a bit of an erection fail and slipped out of me. But he continued thrusting his hips up at me to rhythmically push the vibrator against my clit so I just rolled with it. I didn’t end up being able to orgasm, though; I fear that the kind of wiggling I have to do to get off in that position* looks stupid, and with The Dandy not getting any physical stimulation to distract him from my silly-looking-ness…

Last night, I was feeling horny and dragged The Dandy into my bedroom for some fun (MY bedroom. Because I have a room now. 😀 ). I wasn’t in the mood for penetrative sex but I wanted to interact with The Dandy’s body and I wanted to get off, so I decided to try the non -penetrative Hitachi sandwich again, this time on purpose (and when I was done I’d give him a hand job). So I laid the head of the Hitachi next to his cock and straddled it and went to town.

But self-consciousness got me again. The thing is, I eroticize the idea of using a guy for my pleasure, but I need to believe that he’s into it. The Dandy identifies as dominant – which doesn’t necessarily preclude him liking to be “used,” but makes it seem less likely (I’m afraid to ask because he may not realize I’m getting off on “using” him and if he knows that’s where my head is at it might turn him off). Also, I’d ambushed him in the kitchen when he went out there to munch on some Gummy Bears left over from Christmas and he actually still had a handful and was surreptitiously eating them while – I’m pretty sure – watching tv over my shoulder as I humped him. I tried to reframe this as a sexy thing, like I want what I want so who cares if he was eating and watching tv, I was gonna use him as a fuck toy. But it fell flat.

Plus I was of course still aware of possibly looking stupid, and that The Dandy wasn’t getting physical stimulation like he would if we were having penetrative sex.

Except suddenly, while I was still grinding up on him but thinking I should probably admit defeat and give up on it…The Dandy came. Resoundingly, like shuddering and thrashing and laughing like he does when it’s a really good one. He’s so deadpan on the way to coming that I’d had no idea he’d been getting anything out of this. Also, the Hitachi would only have been making glancing contact with one side of his cock, not pressed anywhere near that sweet spot on the underside of the head (and when I’ve tried putting the Hitachi there before he felt decidedly meh about it). And, perhaps most intriguingly, at no point did I feel The Dandy having an erection. It’s possible he did and I just didn’t notice, but when I first straddled him and settled my weight on his pelvis, he was flaccid and pointing downward; when he gets hard he sticks straight up. It really seems like something I would have felt.

At first I couldn’t quite believe that he’d really come. It just seemed so random. “Did you…did you steal my thunder, there?” I asked, giggling and kissing his face. He just chuckled, perhaps in embarrassment. I incredulously asked “Were you even hard during any of that?!?” and in a defensive voice he said he didn’t know. I think he must have mistaken my tone for mockery when in fact I was amazed and aroused as fuck. I showered him with more kisses and told him I hadn’t expected him to come and it was really, really hot.

Then I rolled over on my back and was able to finally Hitachi my way to orgasm like that, fueled by the memory of The Dandy suddenly gasping and bucking underneath me and by the idea that maybe all my wiggling on top of him had turned him on, after all.

But yeah, I definitely wanna make the non-penetrative Hitachi Sandwich into a more regular thing for us. If I think he’s turned on by it and might even come from it, that’ll make me more likely to come, so good times all around. And I like the full-body contact aspect of it, and the feeling of control I get from being on top and thrusting in whatever way works for me.

Rawwwr.

 

*I partly blame The Pedant for making me self-conscious about that. I used to try to ride him to orgasm the same way, but I need to wiggle to get off and apparently he needs a long thrusting motion to get any pleasure, so he’d always go soft. If I were a straight guy and a woman was on top of me, clutching me and writhing and on the verge of coming, that would turn me on so much I’m sure I’d be hard regardless…but not The Pedant. And yes, I know in theory that a guy can be turned on without being hard, but it still made me feel as though my movements were an active turn-off for him, so…yeah. The Dandy has stayed hard, many times, through my wiggling around on top of him. That recent time was an aberration. I think maybe Dandette was in the living room and her presence in the apartment was throwing us both off.

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Progress

Dandette and Boyfriendish came by today and took a bunch of her stuff. Not all of it; a bunch of craft stuff and most of her clothes. And the pet snake, which is fantastic because I’m not at all up for taking care of a six foot ball python.

All her bedroom furniture is still here, unfortunately. But maybe she’s created enough living room space that we can pile her dresser, bookcase, etc. out there, at least while I paint the room.

The Dandy is currently at a pub with Boyfriendish, telling him the reasons things went south with Dandette. She’d told Boyfriendish that The Dandy had kicked her out and he’d suspected, rightly, that this wasn’t true, so they’re having a dish session.

I was at work (and then biding my time at the mall) while the moving of things took place. It was stressful thinking of Dandette being up in my space with me not there, but it would have been more stressful to have been around her, so meh. The Dandy was there, of course, and would probably have been able to tell if Dandette was taking something that in fact belongs to me. Maybe. I’m torn about whether she’d actually take my stuff. Part of me thinks she would probably be extra-scrupulous to take only what’s hers out of a sense of pride or to make us feel guilty for doubting her ethics or whatever. Another part of me thinks she would go ahead and help herself to whatever she could get away with out of bitterness at being ejected from the kingdom of plenty that is The Dandy’s turf, and because her sense of money and ownership was pretty badly skewed anyway. When I was packing up her bathroom stuff I found several of my cosmetic products in her makeup bag. Borrowing an item and leaving it where you last used it instead of putting it back is one thing, but putting someone else’s item in the storage compartment where your own possessions live seems like an entirely different thing.

 

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Progress!

Dandette and Boyfriendish dropped by to pick up some of her stuff. Apparently they’re gonna rent a van and come back this weekend for more stuff, if not all the stuff. I hadn’t expected things to move so fast, but I’m absolutely delighted.

I’m looking through Ikea’s website and I think I know some things I want to buy for my new room. 🙂 I’m not committing to anything just yet. But plans are being made.

The site where I buy all my sex toys is having a 30% off sale so I asked The Dandy if I could keep duplicates of my favourite toys in his room so that once I’m moved into my own space, we’ll be able to get me off in either room without having to futz around getting stuff. He said yes, and that I should buy lube, too.

Really, all I ever use for sexytimes is my Hitachi (and I already have two of those) and one particular dildo. I bought another dildo of the exact same model and I bought a big thing of my favourite lube. Then applying the discount knocked off so much money that I had to add on a small random thing (lip balm, if you care) in order to spend enough for free shipping. But it’s happening. Sexy stuff is on its way. 😀

So excited that Dandette and Boyfriendish are coming back with a van. I’m hoping they can get most of the furniture out of her old room so I can paint. Or, meh, she has so much shit that even if they only take (for instance) her craft stuff from the living room, that’ll free up enough room to shove her furniture there so the bedroom is empty.

YOU GUYS I’M GONNA HAVE MY OWN ROOM!!!

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OH MY GOD

I just caught myself thinking “What if Dandette’s leaving ultimately destroys my relationship with The Dandy? After all, it’s pretty common for the loss of a child to split up a previously happy couple.”

Seriously.

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More things

A few hours after Dandette first announced she was Leaving Forever and bolted out of the apartment, her quasi-boyfriendish person texted The Dandy asking “Dandette says you kicked her out of the house. Is this true?”

So, as expected, Dandette must have gone straight to his place for comfort. And of course Dandette is telling people The Dandy kicked her out. Like…of fucking course. The fact that her boyfriendish-person is asking us if it’s true says a lot, though. I mean, he likes her; he’ll fuck her; but he knows her and he clearly knows that she’s prone to painting her own versions of things. The Dandy was going to answer him but then just decided not to.

Dandette texted The Dandy the day she left asking for her cell phone charger that she’d forgotten to take, but that’s the only time either of us have heard from her. I figured she’d probably want more things than that pretty soon and The Dandy and I don’t want to let her back in the house even for a moment so we’ve pre-emptively packed up shit like her laptop and some tampons and some of her favourite clothes and whatnot. Knowing how Dandette’s anxiety works, I’m betting she’s even more afraid of us than we are of her, and yeah I really don’t want to talk to or see her at all, so I messaged Boyfriendish on Facebook saying that if he’d like to pick up some of Dandette’s stuff, we’ve put together a care package, just let us know when he can come by. That was last night I sent the message.

This morning I woke up to his reply “You should talk to Dandette about that.”

Well fuck.

This is interesting, though. Boyfriendish is in fact poly, with a wife and a(nother) girlfriend. The girlfriend began feeling jealous of Dandette a while ago and because of this, Boyfriendish and Dandette took a hiatus from fucking (hence BoyfriendISH). I am very much wondering if his response to me doesn’t mean “it’s her stuff and it seems chickenshit of you not to discuss the logistics of this with her directly” as I’d initially assumed, but rather “Yeahhhh she came here on New Year’s Day to cry a whole bunch but, like…I have a wife. I can’t be letting her stay here. And I told her that and she ran off and I don’t know where so there’s no point in me picking anything up for her.”

I haven’t responded. I don’t know what I’d even say. I asked The Dandy if he wanted to text her and tell her to come pick up some stuff (which we would hand to her at the front door of the building, sort of thing). He said he didn’t really want to get in touch with her at all, no. And I was like “Yeah, I mean she decided to leave so it’s kind of her responsibility to ask for whatever stuff she needs, right? So it’s…probably not horrible if we just wait for her to do that?” The Dandy was in favour of this.

He seemed really sad and out of sorts this morning. I honestly didn’t believe him yesterday when he said he didn’t figure there would be any emotional swings. There usually are, during the process of coming to terms with a relationship ending; no way was yesterday or the day before the peak of his sadness and it would only get better from there.

When I asked how he was feeling, he made a noncommittal “ehhh” sound. When I asked if there was anything I could do to help, he said “ehhh” again. It’s making me feel insecure as fuck. Like first off, is he sad like “It’s a shame things ended” or is he sad like “No, I can’t go through with this, it’s too mean, I should invite her to come back here just until she gets on her feet”? Secondly, is he not talking about it because he needs space to process things, or because he’s remembering a bunch of things he loved about Dandette and he figures I couldn’t handle hearing that?

But when he was about to leave for work and I said “Oh, y’know what we should do, we should go to the building’s office and take Dandette off the list as a tenant” (because I was afraid she might decide to come by and they’d let her in the front door even without keys because she could say she lives here and officially it would appear that she does), he said yeah, we should.

Last night, when he was still feeling relieved and bitchy and cavalier, The Dandy had the revelation of “Oh my god, I can finally throw out all the ugly cufflinks Dandette and her family have given me over the years!” It was cute. I hope he can return to that mood soon. Or at least talk to me about what he’s going through. I’d feel closer to him knowing what’s going on with him.

 

 

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