Okay, slight misunderstanding on my part over the thing with Minx. I had misremembered what The Dandy said Dandette had texted him: I thought it was “Now I know exactly why Cowgirl hates me. Thanks, Minx!”
I messaged Minx on Facebook with:
So, just to be clear: I tell you that until recently I’ve been living with someon ewho did a bunch of inappropriate and traumatizing things to me. And instead of giving me emotional support of any kind, you opt to TELL MY ABUSER WHAT I SAID ABOUT THEM. Is that about right?
Oddly, Minx responded almost immediately with a giant thumbs-up graphic; then twenty minutes later, without any sort of “Oh shit I didn’t mean to send you that emoticon” type of fanfare, she said:
Nope. She asked if you posted anything about her and all I mentioned was that you messaged me about your fight during Xmas.
I double-checked exact wording with the Dandy and actually the text from Dandette had said “…how much Cowgirl hates me…” not “…why…” so Minx’s claim checks out. Although, whether she told Dandette details or not is not even really the point. I have no problem with Dandette knowing precisely what she did to fuck everything up (if she hasn’t managed to work it out for herself from me saying “you sexually assaulted me when you were drunk” and, later, fleeing the room in a panic attack when she did the thing with the sword*). I would have spelled everything out for her in minute detail before she left except I didn’t want to deal with all the theatrical wailing and suicide threats that would probably have ensued, nor did I want to give her the impression that I was giving her a chance to apologize or promise to change so I’d forgive her and she could stay. There is no forgiveness. We’re done. But I want her to know what she did and I want her to feel all the guilt and shame she should feel for doing those things.
No, the point is that a few months ago, Minx saw that I’d friended a particular guy on Facebook and she told me he’d abused and raped someone she knew, so I cut ties with the guy. I didn’t have any sort of conversation with him about it, per se; I didn’t ask him for his side or get involved in any big discussion about it. I simply told him I’d heard he’s a rapist and I’m uncomfortable with that and needed to bail. I didn’t know his victim(s) at all, so it wasn’t a direct revenge thing; I just didn’t feel like someone who’d do those things (to anyone!) deserved my time or friendship. But now the shoe is on the other foot and a quasi-friend-person of Minx’s is outed as abusive and messed up – and one person she abused is me, and I thought Minx and I were close – and Minx isn’t telling Dandette “I heard what you did” and freezing her out for it. She isn’t even skipping straight to the freezing out (I don’t expect her to start some huge confrontation. Confrontation is scary, especially for Minx. I did hope she’d do me the courtesy of not actively engaging with Dandette anymore). It sounds like Minx reassured Dandette a little bit. Gave her some intel. I do not like it.
The secondary point is that there’s a long-standing pattern of me texting/messaging Minx when I’m going through a difficult time, and being met with resounding silence. Until now, I’d assumed she was in hermit mode due to anxiety and just not able to respond to anyone who messaged her (I get like that sometimes, although if a friend of mine is obviously in pain I manage to pull my head out of my ass and offer comfort). But no, turns out Minx is perfectly capable of messaging someone back, as demonstrated by the fact that she responded to Dandette.
Also it occurred to me that Minx’s language regarding the incidents with Dandette is pretty minimizing and that’s shitty. So I wrote back:
Ah, my apologies. I checked again with The Dandy and she didn’t text him that she knows WHY I hate her, she knows HOW MUCH I hate her (“Thanks, Minx!”)
Still. You can’t take two seconds to write me “I’m sorry that happened” when I’m clearly looking for support from a friend, but you’ll engage with Dandette when she talks to you?
Her taking a joke too far and poking me in the shoulder with an actual motherfucking sword is not a “fight,” by the way. Her sexually assaulting me and me confronting her about it after is also not a “fight.” That you would frame her actions as though we were having a disagreement rather than her doing things to me that she objectively should not have done is disturbing AF.
That was days ago and Minx hasn’t responded. She’s such a chicken shit about confrontation that I doubt she will – or at least I doubt that she’ll directly address what I said and apologize. She might remain silent for another five weeks and then try to invite me over for a movie marathon like nothing happened.
I’m about ready to let this friendship go.
*She seems to be in some kind of denial, though. Maybe she’s like my mom and represses shit that she regrets having done until she genuinely doesn’t remember that it happened. I don’t know. But the way she was super cheery and normal after every incident – and trying to hang out and socialize with me and stuff – was just…eerie. Like, after I told her she’s an alcoholic and pointed out that what she’d done to me that one time was sexual assault and said I don’t feel safe around her, she went out for a smoke, came back, spent about half an hour in her room with the door closed, then suddenly came out and lounged in my doorway all “wanna hear a cool thing I just learned from the nature show I’m watching?” and jauntily discussed fish with me.