Last night The Dandy and I started gettin’ it on and as we were in the beginning canoodling stages I asked him more things about his apparently text-only fantasies (and told him that actually my sexual fantasies are almost entirely non-visual too – for me it’s words and imagined sounds and sensations more than anything). I asked him if he ever fantasizes about having sex with someone during sex. He grinned sheepishly and said yes. I said “Me too! ‘Cause, see, then it’s like double sex.” And we laughed together – him perhaps with relief – I think he was afraid I’d be offended by that. I told him how sometimes I’m actually narrating our sex in my head to turn myself on more. And how a lot of my wank fantasies are about sex we’ve had together except I’m him (I’m not picturing myself at all, though, except as a disembodied vagina. I’m all about imagining The Dandy’s sensations and emotions while carefully not thinking too much about the fact that there’s a woman in the scene).
In other news, I realized something today: The Dandy and The Pedant – my two main (kind of only, right now) partners – are…kind of entitled in bed.
I mean, when I tell either of them to help me get off, they do. But I don’t think either of them actually offers of their own accord, basically ever. Not when I’ve just gotten them off and certainly not out of the blue. They did in the beginning but not anymore.
And yet both of them are perfectly fine receiving tons of sexual attention from me. I love making them come and they seem to just accept this as their due, or something. Every single time The Pedant gives me dirty talk, it’s along the lines of “I’m gonna let you touch my penis.” Never what he’d do to or for me. Even when I try to steer the conversation in that direction he steers it back to how much he loves all that penis-touching and how much he knows I love it, too. And last night I told The Dandy that I think I may (no joke) have kind of a fetish for his cock* and that I’d been craving the texture of it against my lips all day, and he magnanimously let me kiss and lick it for a while (I dunno, I guess I just wanted him to feel more like he’d hit the jackpot…). The cock worship turned me on and I wanted to have sex. Although I also kind of wanted more foreplay directed at me first, but felt weird about saying “I wanna fuck you but I want you to touch me and stuff for a while first,” like he’d wonder, if I was turned on and knew I wanted sex then why was I making him jump through hoops for it? So I just went ahead and climbed onto his dick. And it felt good and after he came he helped me come (because I told him to). But I feel self-conscious about taking up too much of his time with my needs and in retrospect this bugs me a lot because he sure doesn’t have any shyness or hesitation or worry when I’m making out with his wang for thirty minutes straight.
I mean, I genuinely do like giving The Dandy and The Pedant pleasure. It’s not like I’m doing it only for their sake. But I wish my arousal turned them on as much as theirs turns me on**. And I wish they didn’t take my love of pleasuring them for granted. And the fact that they don’t really initiate getting me off just feels kind of…I mean…how is it that they’ll lie there luxuriating in my attentions for an hour or more and not think to give any of that back? I love giving them pleasure but it’s not, like, my pinnacle of fulfillment as a woman. First off, just because I like giving pleasure doesn’t mean that all my sexuality is outward-directed and receiving pleasure doesn’t interest me; it’s not an either/or. Second, when I make a dude moan and squirm it doesn’t give me a warm satisfying glow of a job well done, it goddamned turns me on and I wanna get off. Like, hello? I’m not touching you like this because it’s your god-given right as a man to have your dick fawned over all day. It’s a sexual thing for me.
The weird thing is, both of them are pretty good about petting me when we’re not having sex. The Pedant would usually caress me absent-mindedly while we watched movies, and The Dandy does that thing where he pets my head as we fall asleep. Maybe my anxiety is making me all skewed and cynical right now but I can’t help feeling like my pleasure just doesn’t turn them on particularly, so they’re not interested in focusing all their attention on it, but they do know that being petted makes me happy so they’ll do it when they’ve got something else to occupy them at the same time.
I definitely need to have a talk, especially with The Dandy, about whether he enjoys my pleasure or what – and if he does, to consider giving me more of it. When we were first dating he once caressed my inner elbows for like 20 minutes because he was fascinated with the way I moaned. He used to initiate finger penetration, too, and I liked it. I so rarely feel like the focus of his sexual attention anymore, though. And unlike The Pedant he doesn’t compensate for that by being super fun to play with.
*Well, any cock that’s within a certain size range, not too curved, and uncut. But he matches those parameters so it amounts to the same thing.
**The Pedant actually has stepped up his game a bit recently, massaging and caressing me of his own accord rather than completely starfishing the second I touch him. But for years he did nothing for me. Our sex consisted of me masterfully reducing him to a whimpering puddle over the course of hours and then getting myself off while he dozed off. So I have some pent-up frustration.