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Consummated

I had a model gig last night and when I got home, Dandette was hanging out on the couch and I sat with her. She said she’d found out that when The Dandy is talking about his pen collection, he doesn’t even notice when someone’s playing with his dick. She said she kinda had to point out to him that she was hitting on him…and that because it’s been so long since he’s gone bareback (Dandette has an IUD) he only lasted thirty seconds. And that’s how I learned that Dandette and The Dandy had finally fucked.

I’m fine with it except for the huge, raging wall of jealousy over the bareback-ness. The ultimate insult to injury is that Dandette (from what I can tell) is a person who defines “good sex” around a guy being able to do PIV for a long time. I on the other hand have a fetish for premature ejaculation, specifically when it’s caused by the sex just being soooo hot or the sensations being sooooooo good that the guy can’t help himself (as opposed to, I dunno, a guy who just never takes very long and there’s no real reason for it). I got to experience that once or twice with The Pedant but that’s basically it – oddly, despite all the disparaging rumours about virgins, the ones I avidly sought out in my youth all took forever to come when they fucked me for the first time. And now The Pedant is all in love n shit with some other woman and has rescinded my barebacking privileges yet again, so I don’t get to go condomless with anyone.

I did tell Dandette all this. Not in a tone like I was mad about her sex with The Dandy or anything. Just sharing my thoughts. We commiserated a bit.

Then The Dandy came into the room. Dandette has grown to love picking on him, especially in conjunction with me. And The Dandy – though he’s dominant and not into being humiliated per se – always pitches a tent solely based on the fact that two women are paying attention to him at once. And him getting hard from basically being bullied kinda works for me, so I keep on participating. And so we ended up stripping his lower body in tandem and making his erection into a Hallowe’en ghost (Kleenex with a drawn-on face draped over). Then we decided to draw a face on his actual penis. It had a monocle and a curly mustache. And then Dandette mused out loud “I bet I could lick his balls while you suck his cock” and in some ways I didn’t feel ready for co-sexing him, but I wasn’t horrified enough by it to actually refuse, so that happened for a minute or two. Then I backed off and Dandette started going to town on his cock with her mouth. I kind of wanted to graciously excuse myself, but I also felt I should probably try to get comfortable with this brand new thing of seeing my boyfriend with someone else. Also, I felt like maybe Dandette needed a bit of reassurance that I was okay with the two of them. So I stayed and watched and petted her hair, but didn’t really engage. Eventually she came up for air and asked if I wanted a turn. I said nah, that’s okay – mostly because of the saliva factor.

But another factor in all of this is all the cultural baggage. There’s such a pervasive idea in society, still, that women are trophies doled out to men who do good things, and that men inherently have a right to sex in whatever form or amount they choose. And of course anyone who hears about our household arrangement is probably going to assume that Dandette and I are both submissive and just yearning to worship The Dandy’s cock like good little women (as opposed to what actually happened, which was more like me telling them “Oh, quit with the sexual tension and just fuck already!” so I could get on with my life) And The Dandy gets so goddamned smug when Dandette and I are both snuggling him or otherwise paying attention to him that it looks like he’s thinking “It’s true – good guys DO get rewarded with pussy!” Like it would be one thing if he seemed just plain happy, or overwhelmed by his good fortune, but there’s an air of gloating that I’m not crazy about.

And yeah, the moment The Dandy reconnected with Dandette, his brain went toward the idea of threesomes (Dandette asked him if he was thinking that and he looked all blushy and embarrassed soooooo). I’m straight and Dandette is bi but not necessarily attracted to me (I haven’t asked). Maybe The Dandy is just fantasizing and not thinking/hoping/expecting that it would ever happen, but I don’t know. And I’m reluctant to team up on him with Dandette sexually because I’d feel like I was fulfilling every sexist stereotype ever, not to mention The Dandy’s smug face would no doubt reach intolerable proportions.

And yet, in that little hiatus where nobody was sucking his cock, The Dandy made some hint that he’d really like us to finish him off, and Dandette and I both pretended we didn’t know what he was getting at because we both hate coy language and wanted to make him say it outright, and he did say it outright, and I ended up giving him a hand job for a bit while Dandette played with his balls.

Interestingly (it has only just now occurred to me that maybe Dandette wasn’t entirely ready to share one of The Dandy’s orgasms, either), Dandette made some remark about how The Dandy was barely making any noise or acknowledging us so really, we might as well just watch tv or something. I said “what should we watch?” (but was still totally thinking this was all a joke to freak him out, and he’d ask us to keep going and we’d go back to getting him off) and Dandette said “Futurama” and called it up on Netflix and The Dandy didn’t say anything so we did actually abandon his cock and snuggle up to watch a few episodes instead.

I think it was sometime after that that The Dandy and I engaged in a bit of light impact play with Dandette. I’m not sure I should have done that. I dunno. She’s a masochist and I’m a sadist and we seem to have considerable compatible interests in that realm, plus we could both use an outlet. But I have a horrible tendency to be really into the chase and then lose interest once I’ve “caught” the person, and I don’t want to start up some whole big ambiguously sexual thing with a person I live with and then one day just be like “Meh, no more play. I’m done with that now.”

At the same time, I feel a kind of pressure (more from myself than either of them, I think) to try to close our V into a full triad, if only because it would be so convenient and adorable and symmetrical. And also, sadism seems to light The Dandy up more than any sexual thing I could ever do for him and if we top Dandette together then maybe he’d associate me with some of those lit-up feelings.

Sooooo I paddled Dandette’s ass for a while last night and then The Dandy spanked her while I held her head in place by a fistful of her hair. And her face went all feral in a way I’ve seen on boys I’ve played with, and I simultaneously loved bringing that out in her but also felt like I was tiptoeing around some dangerous territory. Like, I should probably not be doing things that give her that face until I either know I won’t wanna back away from the dynamic anytime soon, or have an open talk with here where I tell her this may not be a thing I’ll be up for forever and make sure she gets that and is okay with it.

Aside from all that, there was a whole lot of mutual cuddling and Dandette discovered that I make happy sounds when she strokes the backs of my knees (and I let her continue but I’m a bit conflicted about receiving those sensations from a woman…petting is somewhat sexual for me but I don’t think I’m sexually attracted to her so I don’t want to mislead or use her. It’s complicated). At some point Dandette made an offhanded remark about how she’s used to being naked around the house (it seemed less like a targeted, territorial thing this time and more just an offhanded remark) and I said “I feel like I could get back to casual apartment nudity at some point, but right now there’s just way too much new stuff I’m processing” and Dandette said “Totally fair.”

I do like the idea of us all being comfortable naked though. If nothing else, it’d be easier for the animals if we could leave the doors ajar all the time. I’m forever closing the bedroom door in order to sleep naked and then having to get up to let some furry bastard in or out.

After our big weird night of quasi-sexual togetherness, Dandette said she needed to go to bed but it would be hard to leave the cuddle puddle. She asked The Dandy where he wanted to sleep, in her room with her or in his/my room with me. He looked to me and I said I’d honestly be fine with whatever, and I excused myself to brush my teeth. I really thought I meant what I said but when I heard The Dandy tell Dandette that he felt I needed some attention and she’d had him all evening, I did feel grateful. As we got ready for bed I quietly asked how he was doing. He said he was fine and asked how I was doing. I said it had been a weird night and I needed to process a lot of things, but I was pretty sure I wouldn’t end up freaking out or horrified or anything; I figured either I’d be up to continue along the same path of open sharing, or I’d start tactfully leaving when Dandette started sexytimes up with him. But I also said that I really wanted to have sex with him one-on-one soon, just as a kind of reassurance that he’s still into me as an individual person. He totally understood. We slid into bed and cuddled up together and I told him I loved him and for once instead of replying “I know” he said he loved me too and I had a brief little stress-release cry and he petted my head until I fell asleep.

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Ah. There it is.

I figured my overwhelmingly huge fear of commitment would rear its ugly head sooner or later, and here it is. Maybe it’s here because I’ve mostly moved all my stuff over, so the where-will-I-live stress and the moving stress have dissipated and I finally have time to feel my feelings. Maybe it’s here because the wonderful FL boy is gone and I crave more sexy adventures but I share a bedroom with The Dandy here and this puts serious restrictions on what I can do. Maybe it’s here because my asshole brain doesn’t ever let me enjoy anything for long. But yeah.

Or maybe I’m feeling panicky and trapped because of a convo The Dandy and I had last night. We were lying around after sex and I reminded him how the first time I said I loved him, he wasn’t able to say it back, and I asked him if he could tell me what had been going on in his head then (it’s an old therapist’s trick to avoid asking someone “why” – that sounds like demanding someone defend their actions/choices/whatever, and can seem hostile and make the other person clam up. So that’s why I worded my question like I did. It’s hard as hell to not just use that word, though. It’s not a habit for me yet). He said that it was hard for him to say because he’d said it to people in the past and things had gone badly. I asked in what way and he shrugged and said “divorce?” Ah, so he wasn’t meaning immediate bad things happening after dropping an L-bomb, he meant that it sucks to say I love you to someone and then eventually have it not be true anymore.

I said that I, too, am cynical and feel like possibly all relationships are doomed to end. But I don’t want my fear to keep me from enjoying the fun beginning part, so I jump on in. Fuck it. But I also told him that my fears manifest themselves in other ways – namely, my brain or emotions will function with a guy, but not both. I can either be totally turned on and have great sex but feel numb inside, or definitely feel like I’m falling in love but my libido and orgasms are all messed up. It’s my brain’s way of keeping a little distance until I trust the guy enough to know he won’t ghost.

“Well, you’re stuck with me now,” The Dandy said, smiling (I think what he meant was we’re definitely past the point where he’ll ghost on me).  I smiled back but OMG IT’S TRUE I’M STUCK WITH HIM. The housing market is shitty and I have a freelance job that looks sketchy on apartment applications so I have nowhere else to go.

I feel comfortable with The Dandy, and I love him, but I’m not in love. In many ways this makes shacking up with him less scary because I have less to lose if things fuck up. At the same time, though, my being in a live-in relationship will scare off a lot of dudes and my not having my own bedroom will scare off most of the rest, so my dating pool just got a whole lot smaller. And I do want to one day have a boy or two that I’m in love with, dammit.

And the sex. Earlier last night I said to The Dandy that it’s a shame he has no erogenous zones other than his penis (he’s explicitly told me this). Then I mused out loud that maybe he has some but doesn’t know it because nobody had ever gone looking. The Dandy agreed that this was certainly plausible. So I went looking. Not too thoroughly, yet; just the common places (nipples, neck, ears, taint) but yeah: nothing. Or, well, it seemed like nipple stuff got a reaction but then he made me stop for whatever reason and I think it’d be douchey to insist that he liked it and should let me continue*.

My other idea was to keep on teasing him all night and see if that culminated in a stronger orgasm once we actually had sex, but when we threw on some Futurama and I intermittently stroked his cock, he didn’t get hard. And then I realized: that’s a pattern with him. His erections seem not to be a response to stimulation but a response to knowing we’re gonna have sex. If he’s in the mood for sex, he’ll get hard. If I’m touching him and he thinks it’s a preamble to sex, he’ll get hard. If he knows I’m just touching him for fun and I’ll probably stop any minute, though…nothin’.

Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy having sex with him. I have almost a fetish for a specific type of cock, and he has it; he can stay hard even when I’m using the Hitachi between us and just grinding up on him instead of thrusting; the physical intimacy makes me feel close to him. But there’s no nuance there, just mechanics. I can’t do anything to tease him or get him more turned on. He’s not one for dirty talk. Basically, I don’t feel like any of my sexual skills particularly have value with him. He’s just like “Oh, will we be having sex?” *sproing*thrust*thrust*splooge*. I asked him the other day what he considers “good in bed” where a woman is concerned. His answer was basically “She’s attractive to me, she lets me put my penis in her vagina, and she moves/reacts a little instead of just lying there like a dead fish.”

So this is the partner I ended up living with. This is my main source of sex. So utilitarian. Gahhhh.

Oh but here’s a terrifying thing: The Dandy is a dom/sadist and it turns out his main thing is needle play – which Dandette is into**. A few months back when they were fucking again, they did some of that sort of play. I assumed this meant, y’know, doing that thing where you stick needles through a pinch of someone’s arm- or back-skin. Nope – The Dandy pushed needles entirely through Dandette’s nipples and labia. And if I mention anything about needle stuff he lights up in a way that he never, ever has for any sexual thing with me. And I’m happy for them and everything but I also feel like I may eventually be totally eclipsed by Dandette sexually and that’ll suck. I hope that if it happens, it’s not until we get into a bigger place where I have my own room. That way I can easily pursue my kinky fantasies, too.

*******

I actually started this entry like three days ago but didn’t have a chance to finish. I resumed writing it today as though it were a seamless continuation but actually time has passed and I do feel a bit better now. None of the above concerns have gone away or anything; I just don’t feel as trapped by them.

I think maybe my little emotional shitstorm was mostly me coming down from the delightful visit from the FL boy – going from all that attention and submission and pain play to, y’know….not. I bottomed out a little. I’m starting to level out now.

 

*I’ve had it happen before, though, that a partner was freaked out by a sensation because it was new and uncomfortably asked me to stop…but somehow, later on, the act became something they loved. So it’s a thing.

**I fucking asked him before what he likes as a dom/sadist, hoping I could find some area where I could meet him halfway; I was the only one seeing The Dandy at that point, and I wanted to make sure he was fulfilled. He kept on saying he didn’t know. Later it came out that he and Dandette had been doing needle play a few months back when they had quasi-rekindled their relationship and that he had enjoyed it a bunch. He said a lot of his porn stash is needle stuff. I was like “I asked you what you liked and you said you didn’t know!!!!! WTF?!?!?” He said he feels conflicted about being into hurting people so it felt too weird to tell me. I PUNCH BOYS FOR FUN. HE KNOWS THIS. Where’s the trust?

 

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Also

I feel like The Dandy has become a bit too perfunctory in the way he touches me – I mean when we were first dating (which was only five months ago, for pete’s sake) he once spent like ten minutes just stroking my inner elbows, fascinated by the sounds and squirms he could draw forth from me. And when we were doing naked stuff he would regularly put a finger or two inside me and do g-spot stuff, even if he knew it wasn’t really gonna lead anywhere. As long as I was having fun, he’d continue.

But for a while now it’s felt like petting me is an absent-minded thing he does while we watch Netflix (which is totally fine) or a quick “blah blah blah whatever can we have sex now?” strictly utilitarian foreplay thing (which is not fine).

It’s not even like I need him to pet me for that much longer than he’s been doing, in order to get in the mood for cock. I just want him to focus. I want to feel as though he’s paying attention to what he’s doing, noticing the spots that make me moan hardest and doubling back to touch them again, that sort of thing. As it stands he just doesn’t seem to be paying attention at all; he’ll run his fingers up and down my back, but not as lightly as I’d prefer and he’ll just keep on going monotonously up and down even though there are places along the way that make me react extra-hard.

So few men get mesmerized by petting me and I honestly can’t understand why. They’re touching an attractive naked woman and eliciting all manner of sounds from her. When I can make a partner vocalize and writhe, it’s fascinating to me. I’ll linger and see how long I can draw it out. For me I think it plugs into my dominance: I’m becoming an expert in my partner’s body and making it so I can play him like an instrument and get any reaction I want. That guy I had two dates with recently and then he bailed on me was  submissive, so I’d imagine for him it was more of an act of service, but he was completely into petting me. Like, dude was exactly like me in that respect. The Dandy, conversely, identifies as dominant, and initially he seemed to be the kind of dominant who thrives on provoking reactions and giving pleasure, but now…

I wonder if this is just the laziness that often comes from being in an established relationship or if he’s beginning to resent how much I’m leaning on him (what with him taking care of my cats and me staying there fairly often, kind of more to escape the neighbours and be with the kitties than to see him…) and it’s coming through in the sex? Like do I talk to him about this and tell him I’d like him to be more…detail oriented in bed? Or do I assert my independence and autonomy in some way just to make really damn sure he’s not accidentally thinking of me as a child or convalescent that he’s taking care of?

Annnnnyway, the actual thing I wanted to say with this post is that The Dandy and I had amazing sex the other day and I really needed that. It’s been feeling like our mojo is a little off.

Granted, the amazingness of the sex was pretty much just due to me using my Hitachi during it – all The Dandy did was stay hard (which is still noteworthy as many men can’t seem to maintain an erection if I’m grinding rather than thrusting). He wasn’t actively doing anything much, or having a better technique than usual, or anything. I was riding him and then I added the HItachi to the mix so that I was basically just humping the vibrator while The Dandy lay there with his dick in me. But that combination of things makes me come spectacularly hard and feels really intimate to me. So yeah. I came crazy hard to a point where the violence rose up in me and I shook and growled and clenched. And once I’d recovered slightly, I set the Hitachi aside and kept riding The Dandy – thrusting up and down this time – and it only took him a minute or two more to come, so between that and the fact that he stayed hard all through my Hitachi-ing, I think me getting off that way turns him on. Yay. 🙂

Having said that…I don’t know whether he and I can really last. It still bugs the shit out of me that Dandette lives with him and he’s paying for all her shit. It bugs me that he has boundary issues. I’ve noticed that he can’t say “no” to me; he’ll ignore a request or giggle awkwardly at it, but he won’t actually use his words and say no. And he’s got a saviour complex and yet at the same time I think he’s beginning to resent being a saviour (one time I offhandedly mentioned that I don’t think I ever want to live with a partner again because I like my alone-time and independence. I saw The Dandy’s face light up). So, he’ll do things for me, but I don’t really trust his motivations. I think there’s big potential for him to do things he doesn’t actually want to (either to offer out of obligation or to be afraid to say no when I ask for things) and end up resentful.

Also, I find that I kind of resent the massive money he makes. Partly because he’s using a big chunk of it on Dandette instead of me (there, I said it) but also because it renders him just so entirely out of touch with my experiences. Looking for an apartment is terrifying for me; places in my price range are small and/or sketchy and property management companies are likely to reject me because the freelance nature of my job makes me not look like a good bet as a tenant. For The Dandy, apartment hunting is a pain in the ass and nothing more. He can afford nice places; places big enough that he doesn’t have to go in there with a tape measure to make sure his furniture will fit. If he applies for a place, let’s face it, the only reason he wouldn’t get it is that someone else got it first. His apartment is in a pretty fancy building, so the soundproofing is excellent, but even if it wasn’t, the place is fucking huge. If a next-door neighbour were being loud, he could just go to the other side of the apartment and escape the noise that way. I can only afford a bachelor apartment where the main living space is about the size of The Dandy’s bedroom, so if someone to one side of me is being loud…tough shit.

I know it’s not rational but I just…kind of hate The Dandy for having this apartment that’s dead silent, and just taking it for granted, when I live in a place where I can hear the guy upstairs pissing. And I double-hate Dandette for living in said silent apartment for free and just taking it for granted**. It’s been a running theme in my life that I’m never quite bad off enough for help. Other people have nervous breakdowns etc and people come scurrying out of the woodwork to throw help and free stuff at them, but I continue barely hanging on by my fingernails so nobody gives a fuck about me.

If The Dandy had gotten Dandette the fuck out of there when they broke up, like he should have, I could be moving in there right now and escaping my shitty neighbours and the constant, crushing anxiety-paralysis they give me. I wouldn’t ask him to take me in for free, of course. The apartment costs $1,800 and the second bedroom is smaller so I’d offer to pay $800/month – which is still less than I pay here, so I could be enjoying a bit of financial relief while still fully pulling my weight. Or maybe if I were really pushing it I’d ask if I could pay $500/month (so that we’d each be paying rent that’s sort of proportionate to our income*, ergo it’s still fair in a sense) which would allow me to possibly save up some cash for when I found a proper place of my own and needed money for movers etc.

But no. Dandette gets a free ride even though they’re not dating anymore, and I get to live in a place where I’m scared to flush the toilet and get told that I can’t stay at The Dandy’s too much because Dandette might be uncomfortable.

I wish I knew what her deal is, btw. She’s really nice to me – too nice, given that we’re really just acquaintances – but on the other hand she still acts out sometimes out of panic that some of The Dandy’s attention isn’t on her anymore. She seems not even the teeniest bit self-aware, so I tend to think that consciously she’s happy The Dandy found someone and she’s trying to “welcome me into the family” or whatever but subconsciously she’s freaking out so she acts out but doesn’t have any idea why. But what if I’m wrong and the nice treatment is some Machiavellian “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” thing? She scares me a bit.

Welp, this post ended up going all over the place.

 

*I don’t know exactly how much The Dandy makes, but one time when I told him about subsidized housing where your rent is set at 25% of your income, The Dandy said that if he applied to such a place his rent would be more than it is now so it would be pointless for him. Which means he makes over seven thousand dollars a month.

**When she first had her mental breakdown and quit her job (like six months ago, I think?), apparently she kept the apartment spotless because she felt guilty about not paying rent. Those days are thoroughly over. The place is usually trashed when I go over there, and I’ve seen The Dandy take an hour or two to clean up the kitchen on a few occasions now. This is why I say she takes the place for granted. And she’s doing pretty well lately mentally, by the way; she’s chatty, sees friends and her boyfriend often, has several creative projects on the go. It’s not a depressive lack of energy keeping her from cleaning. And it’s her many baking projects and craft projects that are trashing the place. She’s taking advantage.

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Moar Pedant

The Pedant returned last night after work, ostensibly to help me paint my apartment some more. Spoilers: we got naked instead.

Shit ran late at his job so he didn’t end up arriving til 9pm (vs 7:30 which is what we’d planned). So, only two hours before the noise bylaws kicked in. And I knew I wanted to fuck him and I know my vibrator is loud enough that the harpy downstairs can hear it and will sometimes pound her ceiling over it and my vibrator is the only way I can really get off anymore, so.

I am feeling a bit distant from The Pedant these days – I mean, we broke up and I had like half a year to process that and realize that he’s…really kind of an idiot in a lot of ways, and that he really didn’t give as good as he got in our relationship. I don’t know if it’s the frisson of feeling like he needs to “win me over” or if he was just particularly horny when he arrived, but The Pedant was hilariously thirsty. Like I let him in and it didn’t occur to me to hug or kiss him hello, and apparently he felt this lack and as we made small talk he hovered over me giving off palpable “touch me” vibes. I’d just made a plate of eggs and I was starving so I retrieved my food from the kitchen and set it on the couch and then I finally succumbed to the hug he so clearly wanted. He murmured in my ear that he’d “come prepared” like he’d promised (he’d offered to wear an old pair of boxers that I could cut off him with scissors). “Good,” I said evenly, “and I managed to find time today to wrap a couple of dog leashes around the top of my bedframe.” I use leashes as attach points for wrist and ankle restraints and he knows this. Just me saying that made him gasp and shudder. Fun! Dance, puppet, dance! He also asked me, in his low, slightly unsteady, turned-on voice, if the toys I used to use on him are still clean. I said yes and he said “you could probably convince me to let you use them on me tonight.” Uh-huh. He doesn’t really want ass play but he could be convinced to take a plug or dildo for my sake. Okay.

Between kisses he also asked me if I’m okay with our current “friends with benefits” status. Oh, is that what we are? He’s so fixated on unicorn-hunting with his girlfriend that he’s relegating me to not-a-relationship even though we’re interacting in exactly the same way we did when dating? Pfft, whatever. I said yeah, it’s probably fine.

After a minute or two of vertical snuggling in my living room The Pedant said “you should eat your eggs before they get cold.” I agree, and the only reason I hadn’t started already is that he didn’t let up his grip and I was too polite to struggle out of it. I turned around and stood there for a second surveying the couch area for the jar of mayo I knew was there somewhere (it’s the fat-craving week of my cycle and I’ve been putting mayo on everything). The Pedant took this pause as an invitation, or something, and stepped up behind me and put his arms around me again and started kissing the back of my neck. I visually located the mayo jar and tactfully waited thirty seconds before saying “ah, there’s what I was looking for” and disentangling. I curled up on my side to eat, leaning on one elbow. The couch is currently covered in a bunch of clutter because reasons, so there was barely room for just me, but The Pedant – catlike – insinuated himself into the clutter until he was spooning me from behind. He continued petting me and kissing my neck and shoulders as I ate. I told him about a recent triumph, posing for a highly publicized costumed drawing class and being generally adored and showered in compliments. This gig has a photographer who takes promotional pics for their Facebook page, and I said that I couldn’t wait to see the pics because I looked goddamned resplendent that night. “I’m sure you did,” The Pedant said softly, right in my ear. Ha ha he never gives a shit about my art gigs or thinks my costumes are sexy.

Part of me really did want to string him along and make him paint my kitchen a bit before we got down to fucking, but ultimately the time constraint/loud Hitachi conundrum won out and I took him straight to bed. Actually I told him I wanted to just lie down and digest my food for a few minutes before seguing to other things (*cough*). So I lay on my back on the bed and The Pedant barnacled himself to the side of my body with one leg thrown over mine and his face pretty much pressed against my cheek. He petted me a bunch and I gradually allowed myself to be won over to it, taking off my shirt and bra to allow more skin access. The Pedant doesn’t usually take an active role in bed, or even touch me back…except, come to think of it, when he knows I’m mad at him or feeling distant or needing to be won over. So in effect, the more love I felt for him back in the day, the shittier and more one-sided the sex got. What bullshit.

So for a long time I simply lay back and enjoyed The Pedant petting me, and I gave him some minimal pets back but didn’t shift my full attention to him. Eventually I said “Your face needs to be 100% more between my legs than it currently is” and – obliging but moving in slow motion because stupefied by arousal – he shifted his body downward and I squirmed out of the sweatpants I was wearing.

As an aside: The Dandy has never gone down on me. I pointed this out to him, once, doing that thing where I make an observation and then just wait to see what the other person says – and he simply agreed “nope, I haven’t” without giving any reasons and I didn’t dig further because if he thinks vulvas are disgusting or that giving head would make him submissive that’ll just irritate me. So for the most part I’ve been living in a cunnilingus-free universe. And it’s not even like I can get off that way anymore, but it still feels good, and I miss the intimacy.

The Pedant, conversely, is an enthusiastic rugmuncher, if a little haphazard and lacking in finesse. If I’m gonna get anywhere near orgasm I need someone to find my sweet spot and hit it rhythmically; he was just kinda doing this sporadic all-over-the-place thing that sometimes ground his scratchy beard into me in a painful way. But sometimes he accidentally did things that felt good, too, and it was a turn-on just feeling like he was submitting to me and doing my bidding and reveling in my taste and smell. I was so turned on, in fact, that after five or ten minutes when I decided to bring in my dildo and Hitachi and finish things off, I came three times in a row. Been a while since I felt like having a third. 🙂 Even after I set the Hitachi aside, The Pedant kept moving my dildo around inside me and gently stroking my clit, which gave ma a bunch of pleasant aftershocks. I called him a good boy and he did that little gaspy thing. He really digs the idea of being my slave. Normally, for whatever reason, he seems to attract women more on the submissive side so it’s a safe-ish bet his girlfriend doesn’t give him what I do. I bet he’s been feeling all kinds of backed up. 😛

Eventually I told him to come up and lie on his back. I didn’t give him the kind of hours-long-marathon-of-hitting-his-erogenous-zones that he’s accustomed to from me (half revenge, half wanting to be done with possibly noisy stuff by 11pm) but I cuffed his wrists to the bed and cut his underwear off and jerked him off with a gloved, lubed finger up his ass (spoilers: the finger up the ass didn’t take any “convincing.” I simply got a nitrile glove out of the bedside table and put it on, and the sound of me doing so made The Pedant gasp in anticipation). It was fun and fascinating watching his face as I gently moved that finger inside him. As he approached orgasm I eased up on the finger movements so as not to distract him, then twitched my finger slow and steady just after he went over the edge and was actually coming. His whimpering sounds were epic.

And then of course he immediately fell fast asleep, as he does. I got up to pee and when I returned I had to nudge him over from the centre of the bed to make room for me. The realization that I was next to him made him start awake for a second and instantly turn and glomp onto me. He clung to me like a drowning man to a life preserver for most of the night.

He set his alarm extra early this morning – like two hours before he had to be at his job which is 20 minutes from my house – and he didn’t expressly say this but I think it was so there was time for us to cuddle. At least that’s how he ended up spending the extra time. Before he left, he kissed me, then knelt and kissed my pubic mound, then came up and kissed my mouth again. Prawr.

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This and that

The other day when The Dandy and I were fucking he bent to whisper something in my ear. He’s not a talker during sex and the fact that he whispered makes me think he was telling me something that made him feel really vulnerable. Unfortunately I couldn’t freaking hear him. All I caught was “mumble…feels better mumble mumble……..feels so much better.” And it was such an intimate moment that I couldn’t stand to be like “WHUT?” soooo I completely just made a sexy moaning sound and kissed him like I’d totally heard him and whatever he said had turned me on. I hope he hadn’t been asking me to change positions or something.

In other news, it’s coming up on my slow season for modelling and so I’m hustling for work. My anxiety has been rearing its ugly head lately so I haven’t been accomplishing things I really should accomplish, but tonight I sat down and emailed like ten different people all “Heyyy I haven’t posed for you in ages, wanna book me sometime soon?” and I got two gigs out of that already with hopefully more to come as people check their mail. I feel fucking awesome.

And in still other news, the pay-texting site I joined is not looking like my ticket out of poverty. 😛 Guys are saying hello to me and then just completely bailing on the convo. New members of the site get a few bucks of “money” to spend and I suspect these dudes are just wildly saying “hi” to women until their freebies run out, and then they don’t wanna pay for anything with real money. I could of course be wrong.

But like…why just say “hi” to a bunch of people and then nothing else? Are these guys waiting for something? Hoping for something? If I responded to a “hi” with a photo of my tits, would the guy be like “Yes, this is the person I want to be talking to” and use up the rest of his freebies on me instead of “hi”-ing around some more?

…I mean I’m not gonna send pics of my tits. But I’m wondering if instant sexiness is what these guys are searching for with all the “hi”s. Or actually I suppose even tits wouldn’t make them spend more money. They’d just jerk off and go to sleep and then “hi” a bunch more people hoping for more tits.

Meh.

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A Lovely Valentine’s Day

I thought The Dandy and I had done our V-day thing early when he took me to dinner over the weekend, but he offered to come by on the actual day, as well. And he brought some groceries that he made us dinner out of, and mentioned that he might either buy me some new pots and pans or buy himself some and give me the old ones, because mine kinda suck and if he’s gonna be cooking for me here a lot…

While we ate, we watched Closer (one of my favourite movies). The Dandy is into nerdy-type movies but hasn’t seen much of anything else at all, which can be frustrating when I make pop culture references but is awesome in that I get to introduce him to all my favourite things!

And then we had all the sex. Like…all the sex. The Dandy’s style is still kind of foreign to me but I think it’s growing on me. I’m accustomed to initiating sex by doing stuff to a guy’s erogenous zones, but The Dandy claims not to have any aside from his lips and his dick. But kissing him is something I might do any time just recreationally so there’s no way to differentiate between “I am angling for sex” and “I like you and enjoy being close to you. Oh hey, let’s see what’s on tv!” I could escalate by grabbing his dick, but I want more buildup than that. For my sake, not his. So on V-day when the movie ended and we were just snuggling, I stripped to the waist so he could pet more of my skin (which he did, and which had me purring and writhing around) and right about at that point he realized we were going to fuck.

So apparently if I want sex that has a bit of a buildup to it, I get it by presenting my body for him to touch rather than touching his and being turned on by turning him on. Or I could just tell him I wanna have sex but to pet me a while first. But I don’t always feel like doing that, especially since he identifies as dominant and I sometimes worry that telling him what to do will be kind of a boner killer (although we talked about that and he says that nothing I’ve said or done has put him off yet).

Historically, I have not enjoyed a man with great stamina in the PIV arena. My vag gets sore and chafed really quickly and I don’t come from PIV so meh. But then with The Bunny I discovered the joys of the Missionary Hitachi Sandwich and that was somewhat of a game changer – if I’m actually trying to get off during PIV, I do ideally want someone who can fuck me right through my orgasm. Also, The Dandy’s penis feels really good to me. Better than other people’s, I think. Something about the shape or the way he moves or I dunno. Even before I brought the Hitachi into the mix his thrusts were giving me the occasional little clitoral twinge or vag flutter. And then we did the Hitachi sandwich and he pounded me absolutely tirelessly and with perfect rhythm and I came my brains out without worrying even the tiniest bit that he would stop before I was good and done. Because that’s the other thing about The Dandy – even when he’s come he can often stay hard and keep going!

Eventually I was exhausted and my legs were killing me so I had him withdraw. He’d made some flurries of breathing sounds a few different times during teh sex0rs, but the sounds – and the amount of liquid in the condom as he withdrew and sat on his haunches between my knees – were sort of inconclusive to me and he was still perfectly hard so I sat up, stripped the condom off him, and started stroking him. Within a minute or so he had a definite and resounding orgasm, pouring out about a gallon of semen over my wrist.

We then lay down and snuggled. I had come so hard that I wanted to kill him (this is a thing that happens. I don’t know.) and he gazed into my eyes and recognized the violence there and just kind of acknowledged it with a smile, knowing it meant he’d done well and that I would never actually hurt him unless asked. The fact that he can sense my feelings and isn’t scared by them is lovely. I’ve never really had that before. Minx felt my violence and cowered, and The Pedant is tone-deaf to people’s vibes entirely.

“So uh…was that more than one orgasm, on your end? Or am I just not good at reading your signals?” I asked.

“I had a few little ones, just not enough that I had to stop,” The Dandy said. His sexuality is so fucking intriguing to me. And as much as the really long PIV sessions are a bit of a mixed blessing for me, I do love his high capacity for orgasms. Making a guy come is one of my favourite things and for some reason I’ve more often than not been cursed with partners who have long refractory periods. When a guy can only come once a day, it often becomes a big dilemma for me. How will I spend that one orgasm? I crave using his dick for my own pleasure via PIV but I also want to focus on his pleasure, perhaps via a hand job, and I can’t do both and arrrrrgh what do I pick? With The Dandy I may not face these sorts of problems. He has said that it’s possible to just keep stimulating him after he’s come and he’ll come several more times, albeit with longer and longer buildups in between. I told him one of these days I’m gonna give him a hand job and just…not stop. Like, ever. Unless he either begs me or completely runs out of ejaculate. I wanna see what happens.

Oh and by the way, the first time The Dandy and I hooked up, I started stroking him but then he took over. The second time, I did get him all the way there; it took ten minutes and (as last time) his climax-noises were almost nothing, just a few deep breaths. He told me that I was the first person ever to be able to get him off via hand, which is surprising. He’s got a smallish partner count for someone in their 40s (in my opinion) (he says he’s not sure of the exact number but probably in the low double digits) but that’s still probably a dozen women who could have tried and failed. And he’s had a couple of long term relationships so in theory there could have been years of attempts by some partners. And I’m the one to finally get him there?

Now I’m able to make him come with my hand faster than before and his orgasms (from handjobs and whatever else we do that gives him orgasms) are still subtle but definitely less inhibited (and seem like they’re longer and more intense). Much heavier breathing that goes on longer and has perhaps half a moan mixed in. And actual bucking and writhing, too, instead of just lying there completely passively. The Dandy has mentioned, in passing, that his past two long-term relationships were sort of…fraught, sexually. Dandette asked to be topped/dominated and then would scream at him that he was doing it wrong. His ex wife before that did…something shitty when it came to sex, I can’t recall what. Anyway I would imagine The Dandy ended up with a fear of being vulnerable in bed but maybe he’s getting past that with me. I love thinking that. 😀

Anyway. After the PIV and the handjob I was turned on again and got myself off while The Dandy cuddled up to me and petted me. After a while I got up to pee and brush my teeth and The Dandy said he should start keeping a toothbrush here. I had a few still-in-original-package spares in the medicine cabinet so I assigned him one of those. Oh, also I have a red mug that he drank out of a few visits ago and (since I don’t do dishes terribly often and it’s only water in the cup) he’s been leaving it on my bookcase and drinking out of it each visit when he takes his blood pressure pills from the stash he keeps here.

I like how comfortably our lives are beginning to mesh. It’s a lot quicker than in previous relationships, but I kinda need that right now. I’m tired of ambiguity.  And really, all of these little adjustments are just practical considering we see each other on a regular basis. It’s not like we’re eloping or something, we’re just making it so he’s comfortable here since he comes over at least once a week.

In other news, in The Dandy’s ongoing quest to be the most stylish motherfucker on the planet he’s purchased a seven thousand dollar custom suit. The tailor just finished it. The Dandy told me the other day that unfortunately the first time he wears this suit may well be to a funeral because a family friend is dying of cancer. Today I suggested that if he wants to debut the suit in a non-funeral capacity, we could have a dress-up date. I have an expensive (for me) retro-style dress that I’ve never had occasion to wear and I thought perhaps he could take me to sushi and we could be all classy-like. He loved that idea, so that’s probably happening sometime later this week. I’m glad that I can maybe help imbue the suit with happy vibes and let him associate it first and foremost with something nice (if things work that way for him. I admit I may be projecting).

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Sexual musings re: The Dandy

When The Dandy was here yesterday it came up that he really has no erogenous zones except his mouth and his penis: kiss him and touch his dick and he’s good to start fuckin’. I’d already tentatively come to that conclusion myself, but now he’s actually said it to me. I do wonder if that’s really true or if (like so many guys) he just kinda never learned to listen to his body. Later on when we were watching DVDs I was caressing his back and noticed it gave him goosebumps.

I’m not gonna insist that The Dandy must be wrong about his own body, but I’m not totally closing the door on giving him foreplay that’s not kissing or blowjobs, either. I feel there might be some room to expand his horizons.

The Dandy, incidentally, is a Taurus, astrologically speaking. When I’m seeing someone I’ll often look up how their sign and mine tend to get along together, just for fun. The Pedant is also a Taurus so I already know this one. Aries (that’s me) is fiery and creative in bed but often tends to cut to the chase (accurate) while Taurus is very meat-and-potatoes utilitarian in bed, though sensual and slow. Sometimes, Taurus ends up teaching Aries the value of slowing down and savouring sex more, which can be a great thing. Other times, Aries gets bored with Taurus’ lack of inventiveness. TBH the Taurus part sounds bang-on for The Dandy and I do wonder if he’ll start to bore me a bit, especially once I manage to get out of my current malaise and my kinky side comes roaring back.

We had some great sex yesterday, though. Something about the size and shape of his penis feels really good and turns me on more than PIV with other people usually has, so after a few minutes of riding him I reached over, got my Hitachi Magic Wand, and tried to sit up and get myself off while still movin’ around on The Dandy’s cock. I haven’t been able to get off sitting up in years though so this rather predictably didn’t work. After a few minutes I gave up and tried my luck with jackknifing my body so my torso was on his, sandwiching the Hitachi between us and kinda humping it (and by extension him). It makes me self-conscious, doing that. The way I need to wriggle around to get off in that position feels like it looks stupid and I keep expecting my partner to make a snarky remark. Plus the way I need to move is more grindy than thrusty and a lot of guys (including The Pedant) don’t get enough stimulation from it to stay hard. But The Dandy stayed hard and didn’t say anything to make me feel weird. Also he thrust back at me and – I’m pretty sure – purposely flexed his cock inside me sometimes so I could feel the twitch. I love that.

I came incredibly hard – so hard that I was suffused with violence and kind of wanted to start throwing punches. Instead I flung the Hitachi aside and kept thrusting, this time in a broad to-and-fro intended to get The Dandy off. He came within a few minutes, and it looked like a good one. From what I can tell he’s one of those people who automatically goes still when he comes and yet if stimulation continues, it makes his orgasm better. So when he began to come he stopped thrusting up at me, but I kept pounding him and drawing out wave after wave of spasms and breathing sounds and sporadic startled chuckles from him. Like it just went on and on. And I was still all feral and violent from my own orgasm, and I snarled in his ear “until nothing but dust comes out, bitch!” and he laughed and his laughter dissolved into more strangled little noises as I pounded him some more.

I have such a bangover today. I’m used to my legs being stiff the day after sex, so nothing new there, but in this particular encounter I had shoved my hands under The Dandy’s back at one point and was sorta crushing him in my arms as I strained toward coming, so my biceps are totally fucked today.

Anyway. Speaking of sexually utilitarian Tauruses, yesterday I asked The Dandy to tell me a sexual fantasy he has – something feasible that maybe I could help bring to fruition. I knew he wasn’t gonna say anything too fancy or contrived (no costumes or role play or fucking machines, for instance) but I still figured there’d be something. My money was on “FMF threesome.” But no, he said that when he jerks off he usually just thinks about having vanilla sex with someone. Well then. 😛

But y’know…in some says, I’m sexually utilitarian, too. Like, sometimes I see women on Fetlife talking about how their partner gives them the most mindblowing orgasms they’ve ever had, and I don’t understand what that means. Often these seem to be fairly experienced women who’ve been having orgasms for years, but their current partner touched them with all this finesse and did a bunch of sneaky, skillful tricks and they ended up having some whole new level of orgasms. And I do not think that’s possible for me. I don’t think I have any mystical other level. What many people seem to see as skill and finesse usually involves touching lightly and changing things up all the time, which to me is adequate to get me aroused but once I’m craving an orgasm I want the same exact simple, repetitive motion to get me there. Don’t switch things up, don’t show off your manual dexterity by doing a fancy little flick of your wrist. Just rub me right here, straight up and down with steady pressure, until I tell you to stop.

I suppose if a guy managed to give me a different kind of orgasm than I’d ever had before, I’d be blown away by his prowess. My orgasms come from external clitoral stimulation, and always have. And I am in my forties. If some dude came along at this point in my life and got me off just by rummaging around inside me, yeah, I’d probably be all “he blew my mind! He took my body to a whole other level!” blah blah blah. But, you guys…I’ve been fingerbanged a lot. Guys have been gentle, guys have been rough, guys have targeted my g-spot very precisely, guys have been more general, guys have gone looking for other, non-g-spot areas that might be of interest. And none of it gave me the same “holy shit, this has potential!!!” feeling that discovering my clit did when I was a kid. Even when I let a guy keep fingering my insides for ten or fifteen straight minutes, it never felt like anything was building up. At worst, it the sensation of fingers inside me hurts and makes me have to pee. At best, it’s a moderately pleasurable feeling that turns me on and makes me crave external clitoral stimulation – and that’s the most it ever is, even after quite a while. So I frankly can’t imagine what the fuck a guy could do up in there that would make me come.

So I’m not looking for a guy to discover my body and bring me to some higher plane, sexually. I don’t really think there’s anything to discover or any higher plane for me to go to. I just want a guy who’s fine with exactly the way I orgasm right now, and can reliably make it happen. That’s it. If he can do that, I consider the sex to have been good.

Oh, another thing that happened when The Dandy was over, as we were making out and kinda gearing up for sex: we were discussing our respective STI testing statuses. We both admitted we hadn’t been tested in a while; by way of reassurance, he pointed out that he’d been in two long-term monogamous relationships in a row, and I mentioned that I’m fairly selective about PIV. Like, that I have ongoing partners who have never been inside me. PIV is never a given, even when I’m on a sexual basis with someone. The Dandy said “I must be really special, then” and I agreed with that. We’d been lying face to face and sporadically kissing, but when I concurred that he is indeed a special case for me, he put his hand on the back of my head and mashed my face against his chest so I couldn’t make eye contact, and kept me clamped in like that for a while. I suspect that what I said had hit him hard emotionally and he didn’t want me to see it. It’s endearing that he (maybe?) was overwhelmed with emotion at the thought of me allowing him privileges I don’t dole out to just anyone, but I hope that he can get to a point where he’ll let me actually see his vulnerability. The Pedant hid his feelings by mashing my face into his chest all the time and I’m about fed up with it now.

This in turn reminds me of another thing The Dandy has in common with The Pedant: at one time or another I’ve asked both of them how many people they’ve slept with, and they told me but didn’t turn the question back on me. I approve of this. I asked them their “magic numbers” because in my experience it’s really hard to predict how many people anyone’s fucked. Hot, outgoing, or good-in-bed people have not necessarily had a whole lot of sex. Socially awkward, weird-looking, or mediocre-in-bed people have not necessarily had very little sex. I’ve been conducting a sort of ongoing, informal poll ever since I figured this out, just to remind myself that the stereotypes don’t hold water. But women’s sexual experience has been used against us so much that “what’s your number?” is a really fraught thing to ask. I would have a hard time believing that a partner was truly just curious and wouldn’t judge my answer. So I’m glad The Pedant and The Dandy opted not to ask.

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