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Almost forgot

One time, a few weeks ago or something, I woke up from a sex dream (in my bedroom, alone) and wanted to get off immediately. And I was in such a desperate state that I thought I might even manage it by hand rather than using my Hitachi.

And I did manage it. The orgasm was pretty much just a blip, but it was better than nothing. Blew off some tension, anyway.

Right after I was done (like right after  – I was still all disheveled n shit), The Dandy appeared in my doorway looking puzzled. “I thought I heard…did you…?”

For Pete’s sake, he hadn’t even been in his bedroom when I was getting off. He was in the bathroom, which is further away and he would have been peeing and running water and stuff. And I hadn’t been moaning or anything. Harsh breathing sounds at the very most. And yet.

I hope/assume he was coming by to possibly help out; otherwise he surely would have ignored the sounds. A few times back when we shared a bedroom I started masturbating while he was a few feet away on the computer and he didn’t even turn around or acknowledge me in any way  (and a few times when I started masturbating he abandoned his internetting and participated. He just doesn’t feel any need to be part of these activities with me unless he’s in the mood, I guess). So that’s something. But I always felt self-conscious and on display knowing he can hear my vibrator, and now it seems that even when I’m being vibrator-less and stealthy he knows what I’m up to.

Goddammit.

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Comparisons.

The prospect of The Dandy possibly fucking someone else got us talking about poly stuff in general. He’d told me once that sometimes he does get uncomfortable with me seeing other people but he just doesn’t make a big thing about it. I reminded him of that and asked him what sorts of things make him feel insecure. He said he thinks the thing that would get to him most would be if he saw me with someone. Like, making out and stuff. He’s hung out with me and The Pedant, and with me and that cutie who briefly visited me from the ‘States a while back, but I kept a respectful semi-distance from those boys out of consideration for The Dandy.

Him saying it would make him feel weird to see me kissing someone else somewhat filled me with rage because, y’know…I got an eyeful of Dandette sucking his dick on a bunch of different occasions and I was never comfortable with that. So I’m kinda ragey that I’ve had to deal with all that crap and meanwhile he’s like “eeek, I wouldn’t be comfortable witnessing this thing many levels less intense than what I exposed you to.” But, I mean, it’s not like The Dandy told me not to make out with anyone else near him or that he couldn’t ever deal with it. Perhaps if it came up he’d power through it just like I did with Dandette. Part of my rage here is also that I did power through the weirdness instead of tactfully leaving the two of them alone when she started doing sexual stuff to him. Just – a lot of poly stuff was scary and awkward at first and I got over it by going through it. And I thought seeing The Dandy being so intimate with another partner might be one of those things I could get used to, so I tried. But it might simply be one of my limits.  Or at least a limit where Dandette in particular is concerned. Her undertone of exhibition poisoned a lot of things for me that I think would have been okay in a different context. Her blowjobs had a smug, competitive air to them. They felt like a challenge leveled at me.

I told The Dandy most of this – how I can’t really tell ahead of time if a scary poly thing is a limit or if I just need to get used to it and then it’ll be fine, so I watched Dandette giving blowjobs a few times but was never at all comfortable and wish I hadn’t. And I explained that while it is a valid thing to try a thing and see if it gets easier, there’s also a lot of cultural conditioning for women to be The Cool Girl who’s easygoing and up for anything and blah blah blah – and I wonder how much that played into my decisions.

The Dandy asked me what I meant by “The Cool Girl.” I said, y’know, a woman who’s adventurous and up for sex all the time and willing to do all kinds of porny things. Someone who’s just fun and doesn’t have a lot of needs of her own and doesn’t complain.

I’m still PMSing, btw, but it seems to have taken a turn from rage into melancholy and illogical insecurity.

I explained to The Dandy that I keep telling myself that Dandette – his partner who was an exhibitionist and would fuck him at sex parties and was all “You don’t have to use condoms with me! I have an IUD!” and who loved to give blowjobs and could deepthroat and was into receiving needle play and who apparently literally has a come fetish – is no longer in his life and I’m still here, but it’s hard to make it sink in and I worry that I’m boring. The Dandy smiled and petted me, comfortingly.

“Okay, so let’s try this,” I said. “Can you tell me some things you get from sex with me that you didn’t with Dandette?”

“Orgasms,” The Dandy said.

“…I…I know you didn’t usually get her off, but I’m talking about things that were missing for you. You had orgasms with her.”

“I came,” The Dandy corrected me.

Ohhhhhhh!” I said, realizing what he meant.

“Yeah. I jizzed, but that’s it. No actual orgasms.”

“Right, right…I knew that those are two different things, but most guys use the different terms interchangeably. What else?”

The Dandy thought for a minute. “You’re present, in body and mind.”

I had started this conversation to hear good things about sex with me, not to get any kind of visual in my head of The Dandy fucking Dandette, so I didn’t pursue that topic. The obvious implication is that her mind was usually elsewhere when they had sex; I’m pretty sure The Dandy would say it’s because sex for her was usually about validation, not about her actually desiring him; no need to ask clarifying questions that would get both of us imagining the shitty sex more than we needed to.

“Okay,” I said. “One more and then I’m gonna try to forcibly get my mind onto a different track because I think I’m starting to pointlessly obsess.”

The Dandy thought some more and said “You actually notice whether I’m enjoying myself. Yeah, Dandette was enthusiastic, but she never paid any attention to what I liked. It felt like she just did whatever she felt like doing.”

“Oh god, I haaaaate when someone is enthusiastic in bed but totally ignores what I want,” I said. “I always thought that was more of a guy thing.”

“I mean sure, she could deep-throat me, but…meh.” The Dandy made a dismissive gesture indicating either that deep-throating doesn’t do it for him or that she did it in a way that didn’t feel especially good.

So today I learned that:

1) The Dandy has orgasms with me and didn’t with Dandette*

2) When The Dandy and I have sex I’m actually into it, whereas Dandette was perhaps just going through the motions.

3) I’m just flat-out better in bed.

This pleases me. And boy oh boy do I love knowing that those expansive, free-float, giggly orgasms The Dandy sometimes has are specific to me (at least for now) and he doesn’t just do that for anyone. And the deeper implication there is probably that he feels safer with me – or more attracted or more in love or all three – than he did with Dandette and that’s why he can let go so thoroughly with me.

Well now I’m turned on. I’m gonna go ambush him.

 

*At least not this most recent time they dated; I assume maybe when they were first falling for each other and he didn’t know how fucked up she is, shit might have been better.

 

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Rawr.

Had one of my rent-a-suite-in-my-building-and-fuck-The-Pedant visits recently. It was good. 😀

I mean yeah he was six hours later than he said he’d be but after that it was good.

Allegedly, the issue this time is that work suddenly needed him to be on a conference call that afternoon and it ran long. While The Pedant was waiting for it to start, he decided to surprise me by trimming his pubes. I’ve grown to like his ridiculous amounts of body hair but despite me telling him this plenty, he still thinks I prefer hairless twinks like I did when we first hooked up. So he trimmed his pubes – the first time he’s ever touched any of the hair below his neck. I’m pleased that he would do this for me (even though I was no longer interested in it) and actually it looked pretty neat. I like variety, and this did make his crotch look very different, so yay.

More importantly, he could feel my touch more clearly. I lightly scritched all around the base of his cock and it made him moan like crazy. Nice. 😀

The Pedant is always obsessing on the idea of me leashing him, and I finally got around to it that first night. I didn’t end up leading him around, especially; I put his collar on, clipped his leash on, used it to pull him close for more kisses, then sat on the couch (with a towel on it because I was naked), slung the leash under one thigh, and yanked the end of it so his face more-or-less got pulled to my crotch. I love his enthusiasm when he goes down on me but it tends to involve a lot of saliva so note to self: don’t ever again try to kiss him soon afterward. His beard was sopping wet like a sponge. Pleh.

What fascinates me about The Pedant is that he’s such a huge germaphobe but when it comes to sexual fluids he’s not fazed at all. He’ll happily get his face covered in my juices, and last time I saw him I fed him some of his own pre-cum and he allowed that, too (he wasn’t as enthusiastic about it as if I’d dipped my finger into my own wetness, but he did let me. And, oddly, when I wet my finger on the tip of his cock and then circle the fingertip on one of his nipples it makes him insannnnnne).

Eventually I bent him over the couch so I could finger-fuck his ass. Before I hauled out the glove and lube, though, I fetched our gag with the silicone ball that goes in his mouth. I stood next to him and put one foot ostentatiously up on the back of the couch so he’d be drawn to look over and see me running the silicone part of the gag through my labia to coat it with all the wetness his oral sexing had elicited. Then I shoved the gag in his mouth and fastened the strap (he’d mentioned before that this would be hot).

I didn’t mean to use him up so soon but it was so much fun burying my finger in his ass and reaching through his legs to touch that silky, pretty cock of his that I ended up making him come (on my towel that was still there). Didn’t seem like too intense of a climax, although maybe it’s just that his sounds were muffled by the gag. I’d make up for it the next day.

More later.

 

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Oh also

After the sex tonight, Dandette knocked on the door and asked if we were awake. The Dandy reflexively covered himself up in case she barged on in, which tells you where his head is at there (I mean I covered up, too, but I’m anxious and paranoid. He’s not suffering from anxiety issues and he knows Dandette better than I do. So my paranoia is justified).

I don’t know why I’ve always reluctantly said “yes” to Dandette’s “are you awake?” in the past. Maybe because I was afraid if I stayed silent she’d come in, and see that I was on my laptop or whatever and realize I’d been deliberately ignoring her. But this time, I looked at The Dandy and put my finger to my lips. He nodded and we both played possum and Dandette said to herself “I guess that’s a no” and wandered off.

Yay!

The Dandy and I then had a big nap, and when I got up later to make a sandwich and Dandette was in the living room, she said hi but didn’t make any big point of letting me know she’d heard us fucking/knew we’d had sex/suspected we’d been having sex/whatever. Maybe she just didn’t know. She’d been in the living room during the act – far away from our room.

The illusion of privacy and autonomy was nice.

I told The Dandy a while back that I wanted us to have more sex than we do – maybe a lot more – but Dandette’s presence makes me feel inhibited. I ranted about this for a while and then realized that this was not necessarily a mutual issue as I’d been assuming it was – maybe The Dandy was just fine with the frequency of our sexytimes. My rant skittered to a stop and I said “Oh, uh…do you wish we had more sex, too?” The Dandy said yes, he does, and he’s inhibited by Dandette, too. So yeah. It’s not just me.

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Three brief sex stories

The other night, when The Dandy’s mom was over so she had our room and we were in Dandette’s room and Dandette was on the couch – the night The Dandy and I had all that great talking – at one point he suddenly and decisively yanked down his boxer briefs, grabbed my hand, and put it on his dick. “Do you have some tension that needs releasing?” I murmured, just on the off chance that he was offering himself up for groping but not specifically wanting to come. He whispered back “always” so I gave him a hand job. Afterward, I asked him “Why do you think hand jobs work for you now when they didn’t used to?”

“Different operator,” The Dandy said dryly, meaning that I’m just better at it than Dandette is. Which is sweet and flattering and I think he really did believe it when he said it, but…

“But you also said that blow jobs have started working for you, and that’s Dandette doing those,” I pointed out.

The Dandy said “Oh. Yeah. I dunno” and brought up some theories that I wish to hell I could remember now but I can’t. I think we came to the conclusion, ultimately, that he’s just able to focus really hard on coming and get there even though she’s not great at listening to instructions and reading signals. He’s told me before that she tends to be too rough with his cock and to overstimulate him, and that with me he feels listened to and seen more than with anyone else before. I pay attention. I read him. I get innovative based on things I’ve noticed he likes.

Second story: the day I checked out of the suite where The Pedant and I had our two-night romp, I was scheduled to work. But when I got there it turned out they’d double-booked me. I was tired anyway and said I’d give the shift to the other person and just go home. I knew Dandette had a model shift and wouldn’t be home for hours, and I was still feeling like a giant horndog despite all the Pedant sex, so basically I came home and accosted The Dandy right away: “LET’S FUCK WHILE WE HAVE A CHANCE.”

And we did – for a short while. Then he got overstimulated or lost his erection or maybe I just wanted to take a break and have an orgasm of my own before focusing back on his, so I lay on my back beside him and whipped out The Hitachi. The Dandy took off the condom and started stroking his now-limp cock back to being hard, which was super fun to watch. “I want to feel you come inside me” I said, staring and Hitachi-ing and staring some more. I was having a hard time coming for whatever reason and then suddenly The Dandy squirmed and bucked and came, himself. Which was also fun to watch and totally triggered my own orgasm but dude didn’t I just say I wanted you to come inside me? That wasn’t just idle talk, that was me planning what I wanted to do next.

Anyway. I’ll admit that one other reason I wanted sex with The Dandy is reassurance. I think he sees me as a way better partner to him than Dandette, but with me harping on him to break up with her all the time, maybe not; maybe I make him feel pressured. And I’d just spent a day and two nights away from him and was worried that instead of missing me, he’d be kind of relieved I was gone. I also worried that Dandette would make a move on him and he’d be too chickenshit to tell her no. At this point in time if the two of them fucked I’d be incredibly angry and jealous.

I never did specifically ask if the two of them did anything sexual; it’s my long-standing policy not to ask a question unless I’m gonna be okay with whatever answer I’m given. But after our sexual interlud I did ask, in a sort of facetious voice, if The Dandy had missed me. He said yes, but also he’d taken a lot of advantage of all the alone-time and that had been nice. “Alone time?” I asked. He said yeah, Dandette was mostly out of the house buying stuff for Xmas dinner the day I was gone, so he had the apartment to himself for a long stretch. He implied that he’d done a lot of jerking off, and – get this – told me he’d actually jerked off an hour before I got home (after Dandette left for her model shift).

So that’s why he was having trouble having sex with me and could only come from pretty vigorous self-stimulation; he was just about running on empty. God, I love his low refractory period. It’s one of the main reasons I ever felt okay sharing him with Dandette in the first place; I knew she wouldn’t make a significant dent in how much sex I’d have with him.

Third story: tonight The Dandy and I had sex even though Dandette is home. I feel uncomfortable doing that (and The Dandy claims that he does, too, but TBH I don’t think he’s nearly as weird about it as I am; he’s silent like a ninja when he fucks/jerks off/comes. I’m the one with the jet-engine vibrator that’s the only way I can get off. I’m the one she actually hears) but I also resent having to structure this huge part of my relationship around someone who’s not in it. I also pointed out to The Dandy that maybe if Dandette hears us having all the sex, it’ll force a conversation. He’s allegedly wary of starting a breakup talk with her in case he chooses his moment wrong and triggers a meltdown; well, if he keeps on strategically avoiding sex with Dandette and it becomes very obvious that he is having sex with me, I’m betting eventually she’ll confront him over that, which means she’s as ready to have that talk as she’ll ever be.

I don’t know if that’s why The Dandy initiated sex with me or if he was just so in the mood that he couldn’t wait. All I know is that I had him give me a foot-and-leg massage with some of my new moisturizer and when he stopped, I asked if he could possibly rub my feet just a little more, and he said his hands were tired so he’d have to figure out another method – and then stripped naked, waggled his penis at me, and got on the bed next to me. I don’t even…was he joking that he’d rub my feet with his dick? Did rubbing my feet turn him on? Was he just randomly horny and making an awkward segue? I don’t even know.

I’m a little annoyed at how often The Dandy initiates sex via what I can do for him rather than vice-versa. Like…he’s already in the mood. He doesn’t know if I am. So how about trying to get me in the mood by kissing and touching me instead of always just showing me his dick like “it’s go time!”? I do legit have a fetish/kink for his cock, so maybe he thinks letting me look at and touch it is gonna be enough to rev me up. But that’s not usually how it works for me. Or at least it’s not how I want things to go every single damn time.

This is the great thing about being poly; it helps me realize when something’s missing in a relationship because I have a basis for comparison. If The Dandy was my only partner, I’d get used to the somewhat utilitarian sex that started off with him essentially announcing he was horny, followed by me doing stuff to his penis until he got hard if he wasn’t already, then putting on a condom and applying a bunch of lube and putting him inside me, then him helping me get off after he was done. But I fucked The Pedant recently and it was just so much more gloriously organic, with kissing and touching until sex became a thing my body needed, not an idea my brain had. By the time I put The Pedant inside me I was so aroused that I’d left a wet spot on his thigh that I’d been straddling. Now, a lot of that arousal came from The Pedant being so responsive and making such hot sounds when I touched him, and The Dandy isn’t a moaner, so that can’t be replicated. But the increased kissing and touching can.

One thing I do like is that when The Dandy helps me get off (typically, he thrusts my dildo inside me while I use the Hitachi on my clit) he doesn’t stop after one orgasm. He seems content to keep going for as long as I want. So this reassures me a lot that he does actually like getting me off, even if he’s been a  pretty huge slacker in the foreplay department.

 

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hand job story

Had a nice time with The Dandy the other night while Dandette was at a friend’s birthday party.

I said that I kinda wanted to take advantage of us having the place to ourselves (nudge-nudge, wink-wink) but I was kind of too exhausted.

“Also, we already took advantage earlier today,” The Dandy said (Dandette was…somewhere earlier that day and The Dandy and I had all the sex).

“That’s why I’m exhausted,” I said, grinning (not entirely true. I’m also plagued with the cold from hell, still).

So I assumed sex would not be had that night, but The Dandy did that thing he does of flipping his penis out of his pajama pants and wiggling it to get my attention, and I’m pretty sure that’s intended to initiate stuff, not just so I can give it a squeeze and then go about my day.

I got curious about how (if there’s a reliable way at all) to give The Dandy the best possible orgasm. We talked about that for a while. To an extent he didn’t seem to really know. I have a feeling he and his previous partners never experimented much, and/or nobody ever asked him this question before. He did say that getting him almost to the point of oversensitivity but not past it was usually a good thing. I asked him some clarifying questions and basically we established that direct glans contact is the thing that’s good but prone to rapidly becoming too much, for him. Staying on the outside of the foreskin and rubbing it up and down is the default thing that won’t oversensitize him.

I ended up giving him a hand job in which I alternated 60 strokes of rapid, firm foreskin-rubbing with five (or fewer) slow, lubed strokes down his glans (I asked him if switching randomly or predictably would be better and he didn’t know so I tried for predictability). He rarely talks during sex and I don’t know why. Like I said ahead of time to let me know if I was stimulating his glans too much, and also to let me know when he was close to coming. He…did neither of those things. I was doing the lubed glans-stroking thing and he started flinching at every stroke and I quickly readjusted my grip and gently said “dude! If you’re not having fun you can tell me, you know!” And he just kind of chuckled awkwardly.

As things got more heated, he started whispering things. He often does this when I’m getting him off. I didn’t want to throw him off his game by asking about it at that moment but after he came (the orgasm didn’t seem especially fantastic, btw, just average) I pointed out that he’d been doing it and said “I know that you fantasize in actual narratives with words and stuff rather than pictures, so is that you having your fantasy out loud?” he grinned sheepishly and said yeah.

A little later I asked him what words he has that are big arousal-triggers for him. I know there must be some. I’m assuming whatever mantra he whispers during hand jobs is chock-full of them. He said “I dunno” but sort of…coyly? And with a trace of defensiveness somehow?

“Oh, you totally know,” I said, grinning. “But I won’t push.”

“Sometimes my ‘I don’t know’ doesn’t really mean that I don’t know,” The Dandy said (why does he do that? Why does he repeat back basically what I just freaking said as if he’s teaching me something?)

“Yeah, no kidding. And if you’re not ready to share this stuff, you’re not ready. It’s cool. But if I knew the words that turn you on I’d probably say them to you, is my point.” And I dropped the subject. But boy, do I want to know what he’s thinking.

I don’t know why The Dandy relegates himself to mediocre sex. He never told me that his nipples are somewhat erogemous for him; I had to find that out through trial-and-error. He never told me that I can extend his orgasms during PIV by holding still for the first few seconds but then very slowly starting to thrust again  – I found that out by trial and error, too. Once I discovered these things and said something about them, he talked openly about them and it was clearly he’d known these things about himself for a while. But for some reason he chose not to tell me, just like he won’t tell me about his fantasies. I can understand about the fantasies seeming too personal or him being afraid I’ll laugh at him, but stuff like how to get him off effectively or that he likes his nipples played with but not for too long or it’s too much? Why would he keep that from me?

Oh, also, I confirmed with The Dandy a thing he’d said before – that hand jobs never used to work for him and now they do. I know that’s not me because he said blow jobs work for him now, too, and never used to, and those are Dandette’s department. His body is just changing what it likes, I think. Still, when he told me again that hand jobs work now and didn’t used to, I said “Tell me that’s totally because I’m so awesome at them, even though that’ll be a lie.”

The Dandy kind of smirked and rolled his eyes at me. Then, after a brief pause, he said “Maybe it’s that you actually ask me what I want instead of assuming that whatever worked for someone else will work for me.” …Oh. Maybe it is a little bit about me, then. 😀

 

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The weirdest trauma

The fact that The Dandy and I had sex at Dandette’s request when neither of us wanted to, and she’d told us to fuck under false pretenses, makes me feel really violated and betrayed and I don’t really know what to do with these feelings.

I mean, I told Dandette that night that I don’t pick up on situations where someone only asks a thing to be polite and I’m supposed to refuse, so she needs to be clear. And she said she wasn’t mad at me for having sex with The Dandy. I’m not sure I believe that, but it’s nice lip service, I guess.

There’s still the matter of her being tricksy and manipulative to a terrifying degree, though. So…yeah.

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