Poly thoughts

I have some friends who are closer to me than others; there are friends to whom I’ve told all my deepest, darkest secrets, and there are friends I’ll see a movie with from time to time but not discuss anything really deep.  When I’m hanging out with one of the latter, I’m not wishing I was with one of the former; I’m just enjoying the particular charms of the person I’m with.

And yet, for a long time, in dating I was the opposite.  If I was seeing two guys and started to like one of them more, I’d feel like there was no point in seeing the other one anymore.  I used to think this meant I was “wired” for monogamy, but now I see that our monogamous-by-default society trained me from birth that I’m “supposed” to filter all suitors down to one*.  Also, I was super insecure back then; I hated being single and if I liked a guy at all, I wanted to hurry up and nail him down so he couldn’t get away.  Because clearly, if I  didn’t shackle him into monogamy (and also treat him like the only human in the world who mattered to me) he’d run off with someone else.  If I could’ve had a harem of dudes who were all monogamous to me, I’d’ve done it in a split second – Insecure Girl Wants All the Love Ever.  But a harem wasn’t on offer so I was looking to glom onto one dude as fast as fucking possible.

Another possible issue muddying the waters back then is that when I “dated around,” it was invariably with guys I’d met at approximately the same time.  Even nowadays I find it kind of emotionally taxing to get to know several potentials at once; I’d rather let one person settle into their natural place in my life before adding others (like I did with Minx and The Pedant, and like I’m now doing with The Pedant and…whoever else comes along).  So I may have wanted to narrow my suitors down partly for simplicity’s sake.

(Speaking of multitasking and how much it sucks, my dance card is temporarily packed because of that FetLife personal ad; a handful of decent-seeming dudes responded and I didn’t want to keep any of them hanging.  And I believe you can’t really suss out chemistry online, so I like to cut to the chase quickly: one or two emails and then we meet.  The bottom line: I’m meeting two – possibly three – potential subs this week and talking to two others, and it’s making my brain hurt.  If I end up liking more than one of them, the boy-crazy chaos is gonna make me feel like I’m in a particularly baroque Archie comic.  But I doubt this will happen.)

Another change I’ve noticed from my old monogamous days is that I no longer have the mindset of breaking up with someone for someone else.  When I first started entertaining the idea of polyamory, I still had it in my head that if I had a primary partner and I started dating someone else who turned out not to be that impressive, I’d be breaking up with Unimpressive Guy because he didn’t meet the bar set by my other partner.  The old monogamous idea of competition (because, like The Highlander, there can be only one) was seeping into my poly sensibilities.  Nowadays I don’t think in terms of comparison or competition – at least not nearly to the same extent.  If I dump someone now, it’s because he wasn’t working out.  Period.

On the FetLife Poly & Kinky discussion board, I see a lot of people uttering the sentiment “I’m naturally poly – I’ve always been able to love more than one person.”  This statement infuriates me because it seems to be missing the point.  I think tons of people in monogamous relationships can and do have romantic feelings for their partner and other people at the same time – whoop-de-doo.  It seems obvious to me that the real distinction between poly and mono isn’t the ability to have feelings for multiple people, it’s the ability to let your partner love and/or fuck other people without freaking the hell out.  And yet I’ve rarely – if ever – seen someone say “I’m naturally poly – I’ve never been particularly controlling or jealous” or even “I’m naturally poly – I’m a very clear communicator and I’m excellent at scheduling.”

Do poly people (or at least the ones on that particular board) genuinely believe that having feelings for more than one person makes them special little snowflakes?  Do they really think monogamous people are physically/emotionally incapable of being interested in anyone but the person they’re dating?  Because that’s not the world I live in at all.  In my world, it’s understood that if you’re monogamous you’ll probably have crushes on other people; you just don’t pursue those crushes because reasons.  In my world, most of the family sitcoms depict – at one point or another – one or both halves of a married couple openly having a crush on someone else (sometimes a celebrity, sometimes someone they know), and their spouse rolling their eyes and indulging it because they know nothing’s actually going to happen.  Or sometimes a family sitcom will have a Very Special Episode where someone develops such strong feelings for a friend or coworker that they nearly do cheat on their spouse.  The show always ends with them deciding not to, though –  after all, they may have feelings for this other person but they also love their spouse and promised to be faithful, so in the end they choose to honour that commitment.  Everyone I know sees monogamy as a conscious choice to focus on one person, not some weird duckling-imprinting thing where you genuinely don’t want anyone else ever.

I believe some monogamous people imprint like ducklings and don’t want anyone but their partner.  And I believe that some poly people were just magically born without a sense of jealousy.  But I think the vast majority of us have a high capacity for attraction and jealousy, and we’re each navigating through these contrary impulses as best we can.

 

*In high school, if a guy and I made out a couple of times we’d start asking each other “So…does this mean we’re boyfriend/girlfriend?”  I wasn’t asking because I was ready to forsake all others; I was asking because I believed that a certain amount of kissing or number of dates did mean you were in a committed relationship, but I didn’t know what that magic amount was.  I was trying to suss out when it would click over.  I suspect the boys were asking for the same reason.  That’s how deeply ingrained monogamy and slut-shaming are in our society**: it didn’t occur to me or any of these makeout partners that we could decide for our damn selves whether we were in a relationship, or that it’s okay to make out extensively with someone you’re not dating.

**I’ve seen mono people get annoyed because poly people tell them “Everyone’s poly.  You’ve just been brainwashed otherwise.”  I wouldn’t go so far as to say that, and I’m certainly not going to attack anyone’s choice to be monogamous – it’s none of my business, and anyway there are tons of practical reasons to be with just one person.  All relationship styles have their benefits.  But yeah, to be honest, I do think society has brainwashed most of us into monogamy and I would like people to open their minds to the other options – to know that their monogamy is indeed a choice and not the default setting of the universe.

Naughty, naughty…

The Ingenue texted me asking for the name of a reputable sex shop – he wants to get some bondage gear and dongs and stuff.  I asked if he’d found a playmate or if he was just stocking up, and he said just stocking up for the fateful day when he finally finds someone who wants to use that stuff with him.

It goes against my moral code in a fairly big way, but I texted back “I’m sorry if this is inappropriate, but I really wish that person could be me.”  I then added “I mean you know I have the hots for you anyway, but especially now with all my relationship bullshit, I just wanna escape and have something simple and FUN.”

I regretted the second part as soon as I said it.  The first part – telling The Ingenue that I want to fuck him – is sketchy, but telling him I’d mostly be using him as a release valve from the problems I’m having with my “real” relationship is just mean.  It’s true that I only see The Ingenue as FWB material, but I’m pretty sure he wants to date me.  Or at least that he’s so young and so indoctrinated into the heteronormative script that he assumes sex + enjoying spending time with someone = “so this means I’m your boyfriend now, right?”

The Ingenue failed to notice the insulting subtext and wrote back “Tell you what, if you ever feel you want to come by and have some fun let me know and we’ll set it up.  No pressure.”  It surprises me that he’s willing to be a party to cheating, even if it’s just mine.  But I still appreciate the offer.

I told him that what I really want is to do this legitimately, like with Minx knowing and approving, and I’m working on that but it’ll take a while.  The Ingenue basically said I should do whatever makes me happy and he’s here for me if I want.

So…it seems that he’s not terribly insulted by the idea of sharing me with Minx.  Hmmmmm. 🙂

I actually had a talk with Minx last night about opening the relationship more.  Or rather, I wasn’t asking for or expecting any change in the relationship, but wanted to tell him some of the stuff that’s been on my mind lately.  So I said that it’s increasingly difficult for me to see the point of having a bunch of “rules”* if we’re not living together anymore.  Like…if we’re living together and I come back home after fucking someone else, I might smell like sex, or be all high on oxytocin and waxing lyrical about how awesome the other guy was, and that could be distressing for Minx.  But if we live apart, the only way being “full poly” would affect Minx is if I started treating Minx differently or not paying enough attention to him.  As long as he feels good about the time he and I spend together (and as long as I’m always using our agreed-upon safer sex practices, whatever those turn out to be), who cares what I do when he’s not around?  How would he even know I’d been seeing anyone, if I didn’t choose to tell him?  (That last sentence came off like a veiled threat, I think.  Really, it was more like wishful thinking…I wish I were a less moral person because then I could go have fun and probably never get caught.  Either way, I wish I hadn’t said it, although Minx didn’t seem fazed.)

Minx apologized, but said he was on his way to bed and not really up for a huge conversation.  I said that I wasn’t really looking for some huge relationship-altering conversation, anyway, I was just free-associating.  I think it’s important that we know what’s on the other person’s mind.  Minx said something along the lines of “let’s take the poly stuff one step at a time.”  Then he kissed me goodnight and went to bed.  I do feel better just for having talked about it, though.

I’m debating putting my foot down, sometime after he’s moved out, and just flat-out saying “for me to stay in this relationship, I need permission to do sexy and BDSMy stuff with The Ingenue**.  I need a break from the relentless intensity and earnestness of all this relationship-fixing, and I need to get certain sexual and kinky needs fulfilled that you simply are not capable of.  If you say no, it’s a dealbreaker.”  But of course this depends a lot on how I’m feeling at the time.  Possibly I’ll have decided to break up with Minx by then.  Possibly I’ll have fallen in love with him all over again, and won’t be interested in outside action that much anymore.

But this ultimatum is a recurring daydream.

 

*Our current rules being: we have to ask each other permission to see someone else, and we’re not allowed to go any further with them than making out.

**Or maybe just permission to have sex and kink with somebody.  I won’t do anything with The Ingenue unless he totally understands that we won’t ever be a couple, even if Minx and I break up.  I plan to lay out the situation in black and white for The Ingenue before anything physical happens, so he can make an informed choice.  If the answer is no, well, I’ll have to find another plaything.

Yay for communication and compromise!

Me: Minx, you seem out of sorts.  What’s wrong?

Minx: I dunno.  I’m just…cranky and stuff.

Me: You should go for a walk.  Remember, just yesterday you were all cranky and you said that going for groceries really helped.  I have to go to the photocopy place and get this painting scanned – wanna come with me?

Minx: Nah.

Me: Are you sure?  I really think it would help.  It’s way too easy to fall into hermit habits and then start going stir crazy, y’know?

Minx: I just wanna stay here.

Me: …Okay.  Well, I really think going out for a bit will help your mood, and to be honest I’m feeling a bit penned in lately – partly because you’re here all the time and partly because the place has gotten so messy.  So this is my proposition: if you go out for a walk or something, I’ll use that alone-time to tidy up.  The walk will make you feel better and so will coming home to a cleaner place.

Minx: Ooooh!  Deal.

Me: Awesome.

I always find it way easier to clean when Minx isn’t around – mostly because it’s a small apartment and there just isn’t that much room to manoeuvre around him.  And although I don’t enjoy cleaning, and obviously don’t do it often enough, a clean apartment does make me happy and more functional – I think clutter exacerbates my depressive symptoms.  I can’t believe it never occurred to me to straight-up offer Minx a trade: cleaning in exchange for personal space.  Fuck yeah.  I’m totally doing this again.

(For those of you new to this blog, the mess in question is my mess – I have far more clothes than Minx does, and far messier hobbies, so the apartment regularly gets destroyed and it’s pretty much all me.  I am not cleaning up after him and never will.)

More news on the communication and compromise front: I hung out with The Latent Heterosexual recently and I finally got the nerve to ask him what went through his head the time I propositioned him*.  He said that mostly it just caught him off guard (especially because his gf was right upstairs at the time**) and he needed time to mull over the pros and cons.  I was like “Ah, okay.  ‘Cause I was wondering if I was accidentally too subtle and you just totally didn’t realize what I was asking!” and we had a good laugh.

My outing with The Latent Heterosexual went from a coffee shop to a nearby store (I had to run a quick errand) to a park bench.  At one point there was a pause in the conversation and he gave me a big awkward stupid grin and said “Hi there” and I was like, aw jeez, I remember that grin, he’s decided he wants to make out with me but he won’t say it outright.  I said “Hi” back and then tried to segue into more conversation, because under the circumstances I really wanted an actual verbal go-ahead rather than hints and signals.  It’s looking to me like TLH’s girlfriend is starting to drift (the two of them have decided not to live together anymore and she’s seeing a new guy she really likes…ostensibly under the banner of her “open relationship” with TLH, but still…) but he has a girlfriend, nonetheless; it feels like whatever I do with him could impact on two people instead of just the one, so I’m trying to be extra-careful.

It slowly started to get cooler out; TLH, lacking any appreciable amount of insulating body fat, began to shiver.  I asked if he was okay, and he mumbled something about sliding down the bench so I could warm him up, if I’m “feeling scandalous.”  I opened my arms to him and we snuggled together while he did his whole cat-nuzzle thing to my neck and shoulder.  At length, I asked “would it be okay if I kissed you?” and he said that it would.  And…

Have you ever watched a movie that you loved as a kid, and found that it didn’t hold up anymore?  You loved the movie; you still remembered all the lines from it as an adult, and quoted them nostalgically; and yet somehow, when you saw the movie again, those same lines that you remembered word-for-word just totally fell flat?

Yeah.  I’m sure you can see where I’m going with this.  The kissing just…didn’t work.  TLH ended up starting some new thread of conversation, and we just kept on talking as we had been before, but with our arms around each other…but I felt like our arms and bodies were kind of dead and numb, if you know what I mean.  Like neither of us wanted to be snuggled up anymore but we didn’t want to hurt the other one’s feelings by backing off, so we just carried on a casual conversation while totally ignoring what our bodies were doing.  It was absurd, and I wish to hell I’d just gone “Huh…I’m really sorry but I don’t think this is working” after the very first kiss of the night, but oh well.

After a bit more numb, completely immobile default-cuddling, I offered TLH a shoulder rub just to kind of break the tension and give him an excuse to move away from me a little.  I liked massaging him – I liked being close to him and I liked touching him (how can I find his body so freaking hot and not want to have sexytimes with him?  I don’t get it) and I liked feeling useful.  TLH then returned the favour and OMG THOSE STRONG GUITAR-PLAYING HANDS OMG.***  After about five minutes I had him stop (he was squishing so hard that it kind of hurt) and he was like “Really?  Already?  My girlfriend never stops me so soon.  Actually I don’t think she’s ever asked me to stop.”

Then we realized it was pretty late and TLH has a day job to wake up for, so he walked me to the nearest transit stop where we bear-hugged goodbye for like five full minutes, just as we always have, and then parted ways without either of us making the tiniest move toward a goodbye kiss.  Before he left, though, he was like “seriously, I’ll give you a real shoulder rub sometime.  This, tonight, was barely a handshake to me.”  RAWR.

When I got home, I agonized over whether to tell TLH outright that the sexytimes were a misfire.  On one hand, it really seemed like he felt just as awkward about it all as I did, so maybe I could pretend nothing ever happened and everything would go back to normal.  On the other hand, if he misread me and thinks I’m into it, he might keep trying and then I’ll have to have a big uncomfortable talk with him in person.  Or maybe I misread him and he was into it, which again leads to the awkward in-person talk.  And OMG what if he tells his gf that he’s officially “seeing someone” now, when meanwhile I’m not in that headspace after all…arrrrgh.

So I wrote him an email saying that it was great seeing him, I had fun, I love the idea of mutual massages but the actual sexy/makeouts thing kinda didn’t work for me.  After a few days of me being on pins and needles, TLH wrote back basically saying he feels the exact same way.  Thank god.

Communicating really was the best thing to do, ’cause now I know exactly what’s going on.

Also, on a side note, I got home from my outing with TLH at about 1am and Minx was just going to bed.  When I tried to tell Minx that I made out with TLH but it didn’t really work, he stood there with a very clear “I said I was going to bed, why are you still talking?!?” expression on his face.  I apologized for talking so much right when he was trying to get to sleep and explained it’s only because I didn’t want to feel like I was keeping secrets from him.  Minx said he appreciated that but it’s not necessary – he was planning on asking me how it went the next morning(!).

So he’s so totally unfazed by my potential liaisons that he doesn’t even need to know what happened right away.  Good lord – if he came home from hanging out with SparkleGirl I wouldn’t even be able to function until I knew where things stood.  This boy is so strange…in the best possible way. ❤

*A few months back, I told him that Minx gave the okay for us to make out – if TLH was up for it, of course.  TLH responded to this by going off on a philosophical tangent about open relationships, and I thought it would seem too pushy/predatory to be all “yes yes, whatever, CAN HAZ MAKEOUTS Y/N?” so I left it alone.

**They’d recently opened their relationship, and if we’re all above-board here then I shouldn’t have to slink around, right?  I mean yeah, it felt totally awkward asking TLH about makeouts while his girl was maybe within earshot, but isolating him first before asking would’ve felt all furtive and gross, like cheating.  I was trying to take the high road.

***His hands are one of the reasons I was hoping to date him again.  He could get me off effortlessly in two minutes flat and then do it again three more times.  His hand and wrist never got tired.  I miss that.

Minx might date; I might not.

Minx has a girl he’s interested in!  She’s a mostly-online friend of his whom he’s met in person twice.  The second time was just recently, at Minx’s birthday festivities, so I’ve met her too.

I feel bad for not trusting Minx more – I have this fear that he’ll develop a huuuuge fixation on a woman I find really, really objectionable, and that nothing I say to him will make him see that she’s awful, and that if I veto him pursuing her, he’ll think I’m just being insecure rather than actually looking out for him/us.  But in practice, this has never happened.  He’s only ever expressed a poly-type curiosity toward women I thought were pretty cool, and on one occasion he avoided getting closer to someone I’d fully approved because he discovered some potential problems once he got to know her better.  He has good taste and excellent judgement and I’m going to try to stop worrying so much!

So anyway, a day or two after our big talk about me maybe having some more partners-on-the-side, Minx shyly told me that he’s interested in his friend SparkleGirl.  I actually squealed with delight (and relief; relief was definitely a factor too).  SparkleGirl is freaking adorable!  She’s a bubbly, pretty, extroverted 21-year-old with a charmingly breathless/overexcited way of talking.  She’s in college right now, so she’s too busy to maintain a heavy relationship and is mostly just dating around right now.  She’s also so freaking young that to my jaded eyes she doesn’t have a lot of substance to her personality yet, so I simply can’t conceive of her as a threat to Minx’s and my relationship.  At all.

I asked Minx if he wanted me to email SparkleGirl and try to hook things up, and he said he’d rather try to navigate this himself for now.  As far as I know, he hasn’t actually spoken to her since I gave my approval for makeouts; I find it reassuring that he’s letting things unfold at a normal pace instead of chasing this girl hardcore the second I said okay.  He seems to be a lot like me when it comes to picking outside partners: he’d rather advance a pre-existing friendship than try to meet strangers, and he’s not desperate for anything or in a huge hurry to make things happen.

As for me, well, I haven’t made a move toward hooking up with anyone new.  I might ask The Pedant about his hot friend, but I’m kinda waiting for the right opportunity.

The thing is, I remembered recently that when I’m severely depressed I get this tremendous urge to connect with new people (romantically, platonically, whatever) so I go online and start enthusiastically courting interesting strangers…while ignoring the friendships I already have.  It never goes anywhere; I’ll either drift after a few messages, or be super involved and excited about getting to know the person online, but then chicken out when they want to meet in person.  I talked about this with The Latent Heterosexual once and he suggested that when I’m depressed I don’t like myself much or feel like I’m worth knowing, so I seek attention from new people where I can have a fresh start – and when they get too close, I bolt before they can find out how bad I suck.  He’s fucking dead on with that assessment.  Insights like this are why I pay him the big bucks consider him a close and trusted friend and would like to upgrade him to part-time partner if he’s up for it.

So yeah, I’ve been feeling a bit tied down for a while and itching to run and play and explore some more – that’s been happening since way before this bout of depression hit – but at this exact moment I think I’m just antsy and depressed and looking to others for validation rather than fun.  I need to stop the madness, stay the hell off FetLife and OKCupid for a while, and focus on me.  Once my feet are back under me, then I can think about dating.

Oh, p.s., Minx is visiting his parents this weekend and it feels fucking awesome having the apartment to myself.  In-between misguided FetLife posting rampages I managed to watch some DVDs and thoroughly clean one corner of the living room.  The floor there was covered with grit and random coins and a bunch of pins that spilled out of their package and some random craft doodads and lord only knows what else…I’ve had plenty of times when I picked up the big stuff in the room – clothes and papers and dishes and books – but I haven’t attacked the flotsam and jetsam in that corner in at least a year.  Now the futon is sitting on empty floor for the first time in recent memory, and it feels awesome!  I don’t know why but I really don’t like cleaning with Minx home – even if he hangs out in another room so he’s not in the way.  Almost any time he’s gone for a reasonable amount of time, I a) decompress for a while by watching DVDs and then b) get a sudden huge urge to tidy.  I’ve explained all of this to Minx but he still barely goes anywhere. 😛  But anyway, hopefully I can clean a bunch more and Minx will come home and feel good about the apartment and about my contribution to the relationship – which is another thing I want to make sure of before I go lookin’ around.

p.p.s. Someone on FetLife linked to an article with tips for men who are trying to break into the poly scene.  I haven’t read the whole thing yet, but so far it’s fantastic.  Although (…she bragged,) Minx already seems to be on board with all the suggestions therein. 😀  But anyway, go read this if you are, or know of, a guy who might need help adjusting to nonmonogamy.  Actually, just read it anyway.  It makes some brilliant points about gender, dating, rape culture, etc.

Alright, fuck this noise.  Time to shut the laptop (which I’ve been on literally since I woke up four hours ago) and go to the DOG PARK.  Awwwwww yeah.

Addendum to the previous post

Somehow, I ended up bringing up some of my concerns to Minx.  I didn’t mean to, ’cause I know most of his brain power is being used to freak out about his job situation and there’s not much left for dealing with other things.  But I guess I blurted something out and it led to a bit of a discussion.  The salient points are as follows:

1) I’ve been wanting more outside activity (more partners, and also maybe to start going further with them than just fully-clothed making out) but haven’t said so.

2) I haven’t said so because I’ve been assuming that Minx would feel threatened or resentful if I continued adding boys to my harem while he still had no outside partners of his own.

3) I also worry that if Minx does widen our parameters, he’ll use this to justify moving scary-fast when he eventually does find someone he’s into (“Oh, sorry, I assumed it was okay for me to spontaneously sleep with this girl I just met ’cause you have a guy that you sleep with.”)

4) I miss BDSM and Minx isn’t up for doing the kinds of things I want to do – which is totally his prerogative and I’m not judging him – but I’d like to find someone I can do those things with.

Minx told me upfront that he frankly doesn’t have the energy to discuss these things too much right now, but he said he doesn’t mind if I pursue more guys and he promises that if he ever finds a girl he likes he’ll stick with fully-clothed makeouts for a while until I get comfortable with the idea, just like I did with The Pedant, regardless of what debauchery I may be up to by then.  So, I no longer feel so much like I have to hold myself in check until Minx catches up.  Yay!

And I reassured him (though he didn’t seem to need reassurance) that I’m only really craving makeouts, not a second relationship or anything; this craving of mine is way more physical than emotional (he said “Yeah, I can tell by how often you comment that some random boy is hot…you’re like a kid in a candy store!”).  And I told him I’m mostly too lazy and cynical to seriously go out looking for new people (if I could make hot, respectful, fun submissive boys materialize out of thin air, I would, but the process of finding them from scratch is irritating and arduous) so it’s not like I’m gonna start scouring Craigslist for new recruits or anything.  I did ask if I could hit on one of The Pedant’s hot friends* and Minx said to go for it.

Minx told me something I hadn’t realized before: he said that if I’d wanted our relationship to be monogamous from the getgo, he might not have gone out with me.  He’d broken off a long-term relationship just eight weeks before we met, and didn’t want to feel nailed down any time soon.  But when – a month or so into being in an “open” relationship – I realized I wasn’t ready to be poly and asked him to just be with me, he was okay with it.  He didn’t feel trapped or anything.  So that’s good.  And he definitely loves the freedom of our current monogamish arrangement, even if he doesn’t currently take advantage of it per se.

We talked a little bit about our differing views on outside activity – how for me it’s more of a flight of fancy (“He’s cute!  I wonder how he’d kiss?”) whereas Minx is very slow and cautious and wants to really, really like a girl before he pursues her**.  In fact, Minx says he’s so cautious and shy that he might not pursue someone even if he does like them.  I told him, not for the first time, that if he ever wants someone (and I approve of her), I’m more than happy to help hook them up.  I know most chicks probably don’t believe it when a guy claims to be in an “open relationship” so I’m prepared to step in and confirm it.

Minx and I also agreed that our lives are too complicated right now to be adding more people – but that as far as BDSM goes, he’s still curious about having a cute crossdressing houseboy come in and do our dishes on a regular basis (the houseboy dynamic is not my first choice when it comes to subs, but it could be fun.  And hey, clean dishes!).  My Fetlife profile does in fact mention that he and I want a houseboy, but since I’m not especially active on Fetlife (and don’t have any photos of my tits posted) nobody’s ever gonna see it.  Minx says that when we’re a bit more sorted out (which probably mostly means “when Minx gets a job”) he’d be up for pursuing and auditioning houseboys more aggressively, like with a Craigslist ad or something.  I am intrigued by this plan.

 

*We went to The Pedant’s birthday dinner a while back and one of the guys there was a dead ringer for someone I had a huuuuuge crush on when I was around 25…same face, same voice…except this boy is more goth/alternative-looking and, unlike that old crush, is still in his 20s.  ROWR.  I might ask The Pedant to try to hook me up with this guy…it’ll be interesting to see how he reacts.  The Pedant, btw, expresses interest in every chick friend I ever mention in conversation, so he has this coming. 😀

** I find it vaguely disconcerting that whenever we’re talking about our monogamish arrangement, Minx refers to “seeing other people” or “having other relationships” – for instance, today when I was asking how many guys I’d have to have on the side before he started to feel kinda freaked out, he said “Well, I’ve heard that anyone who’s poly and has a career shouldn’t have more than three relationships because otherwise there’s not enough time for everyone.”  I quickly pointed out that I’m not talking about relationships, I’m talking more like “sporadic friends with benefits.”  Later on, Minx spoke of not wanting to start “seeing anyone” until his life is more on track, and again his wording irked me slightly (I’ll talk to him about this at some point, I promise!).  Arguably, though, this is just a difference of semantics; the fact remains that I have a boy I’ve been hanging out with and making out with for almost a year now.  By most people’s standards, The Pedant and I are “seeing each other.”

Some incredible things about Minxes.

A while back, Minx was going through the hard drive on his old desktop computer that he never uses anymore.  There were tons of photos on there so we took a walk down memory lane together.

Many, many of the photos were of Minx and his exes.  It was illuminating to finally know what they actually looked like (the only photos I’d seen previously were their meticulously selected and cropped Facebook profile pics.  The photos on Minx’s computer were candid and unedited).

Minx has one ex girlfriend who stands out, for me.  His other relationships all seemed to happen because he was bored and lonely, but this one girl actually had qualities he liked; he seemed to have actively chosen to be in a relationship with her instead of just tripping and stumbling into one.  She’s the only past girlfriend he’s ever said anything nice about and the only one who broke up with him instead of vice-versa.

When Minx first started dating this girl, she had an ex-fuck-buddy that she was still hanging out with as friends (perhaps she made the conversion from fucking to friendship because she’d started dating Minx; I’m not sure).  Anyway, at one point the girl announced to Minx that she had slipped up and re-fucked this guy and therefore she and Minx had to break up.  Minx’s reaction to this was twofold: 1) “Why didn’t you tell me you wanted to have sex with this guy?  We could’ve worked something out” and 2) “You keep calling yourself a slut and insisting that we have to break up, and I don’t understand it.  I don’t think you’re a slut and I don’t want us to break up.” *  Somehow, he talked her out of berating herself and they ended up dating for another bunch of months (ostensibly monogamously) before she ultimately dumped him for other reasons.

Anyhoo.  One folder of pics on Minx’s old computer was from a party this girl had thrown at her place.  Minx pointed out a dude in a few of the photos and said “That’s the guy, by the way.  The one she slept with while we were dating.” As an afterthought, he added, “The Pedant always reminded me of him.  Like, whenever I see a photo of The Pedant, I think for a split second that it’s this guy.”

I was flabbergasted.  “So, you freely gave permission for me to make out with the Pedant, even though he reminds you of the guy your ex cheated on you with?!?”

“Well, I mean…they may look kind of alike but I know they’re not actually the same person.”

“You’re fucking amazing, do you know that?”

I mean, seriously.  If I were in Minx’s shoes, I don’t think I could be so rational.  Seems to me his ex was so into this other guy sexually that she just couldn’t stay away – she was willing to jeopardize her relationship with Minx in order to keep on fucking him.  If I were Minx and I moved on and fell in love with someone else, and the new person was like “So, I had a crush on this guy before I met you and I’d like to pursue it.  What do you say?” and the guy in question looked like the guy who almost ruined my previous relationship, I don’t think I could get past it no matter how much I repeated to myself that it wasn’t the same guy.  At the very least I’d want to meet the guy in person and talk to him a bit in order to establish to myself that he was indeed someone else.  But Minx said yes to Pedant makeouts after hearing a quick story and seeing some Facebook photos of him.  Holy shit.

Minx and I got to talking a bit more about my side-fling with The Pedant, and I learned another amazing thing: when I got home from those first Pedant makeouts, Minx made a point of kissing me right away not because he needed reassurance about our relationship, but because he figured (rightly) that I would.  He’d planned this response in advance.   It melts my heart that I did this thing that most of society would call “cheating”** – a thing that would normally require me to suck up to Minx and make sure he was alright – and he coddled me through it instead.

I’ve wondered in the past whether polyamory is a mindset or a lifestyle – like, if someone is in a monogamous relationship (or no relationships at all) can they still call themselves poly simply because they know it’s how their mind works?  Or is polyamory strictly the act of dating multiple people?  Minx (and others) have helped me clarify this to myself: there are definitely people who lack the typical jealousy responses and would therefore be well-suited to open relationships whether they actively sought one or not.  And Minx comes by his low jealousy levels and lack of slut-shaming naturally; it’s not like he ever sat down and deliberately unlearned old patterns (like I did and continue to do).  It sounds like he’s always been genuinely confused by the way typical possessively monogamous people conduct their relationships.

So yeah…I’m not saying that polyamorous people never feel jealousy, or that only unjealous people are allowed to be poly.  But there are definitely some people this stuff comes easier for.  And I think I understand now how someone can refer to themselves as “poly” regardless of their actual relationship status.

*Before Minx told me this story from his past, we’d had some discussions about kinda-sorta opening our relationship but I could never quite believe that he’d be okay with it.  After this, though, I realized just how open-minded he really is.

**Except it’s not, because cheating – in board games as in relationships – means breaking the rules and Minx and I didn’t have rules about not kissing other people.

Big weekend.

Man.  The last few days have been packed with a lot of stuff.  Not all bad stuff, but…impactful stuff.

On Saturday, Minx and I hung out with The Latent Heterosexual – the first time the two of them had met.  This is big because:

1) I was seeing TLH before and slightly during Minx.  Minx has met exes of mine before, but the fact that there was some overlap – albeit consensual overlap – between the two relationships* makes this feel a bit different;

2) A few months ago, Minx gave his blessing for me to make out with TLH.  Now, granted, when I brought up the idea with TLH, he changed the subject without ever outright saying yes or no; I suspect he was caught off-guard and didn’t know what to say.  I haven’t brought it up since ’cause I don’t want him to feel pressured.  Still: this boy is a potential makeout buddy, so it’s a very new step for me, having him meet my partner.  My instinct  (because I was raised in such a monogamous headspace) is to keep everyone separated – like cheating but without the secrecy – but I don’t want a dynamic that looks anything like cheating.  I want to carve a brand new path.  And ever since Minx friended The Pedant on Facebook and the Pedant accepted, I really like the idea of my makeout partners being friends – it reinforces the fact that everyone knows what’s up and they’re all good with it.  

3) HAWT GIRLYBOY THREESOME ACTION.  Or some tamer version thereof.  TLH has expressed interest in posing for me, either naked or in lingerie, so I can paint him.  I asked how he’d feel about posing naked with Minx, and he said he’d be fine with it.  I asked Minx if he’d ever pose naked with TLH and he said, quite reasonably, “I’d have to at least meet him first!  Jeez.”  So, I’m planting some seeds here that will hopefully lead to really awesome things somewhere down the road.  Did I mention that both boys are bi-curious and both of them have said they’d be willing to be in an M-M-F threesome with me under the right circumstances?  

But seriously, I’ve lived a life of such serial monogamy that even the tiniest hint of open-ness seems ridiculously exciting and taboo.  I’m not holding out for a porn-perfect Bacchanalian fuckfest here: even kissing TLH in front of Minx would be kind of amazing.  Or getting TLH to give Minx a massage.  Or having a little photoshoot of the two of them in a coquettish lingerie pillowfight.  

Anyway, we met up and went to a store that sells clothes and accessories specifically for crossdressers.  They both wore boy clothes that day, but Minx put a lot of effort into glamming himself up with eye makeup before we left the house – I think he was competing with TLH, not for my attentions but simply to be the prettiest girl.  Minx is a catty little bitch sometimes.  He seemed a bit curt with TLH at first, but eventually he loosened up and the two boys were chatting away about video games and stuff.  I bought Minx some pink ruffled panties at the transvestite store (I’m not sure but I think I caught TLH looking on jealously…not surprising, since I used to buy panties for him) and then we went for sushi.  During dinner talk I learned two interesting things: that TLH’s professional masseuse girlfriend taught him a bunch of tricks of the trade (:D), and that she and TLH are breaking up soon because she’s going to school in San Diego in the fall and they don’t want to try to do the long-distance thing.  I suspect TLH dodged my makeout proposition back in the day because the “open” status of his own relationship was so new to him and he wasn’t ready to plunge in yet; if I’m right, well, that obstacle is about to be removed.

So yeah…my two boys got along pretty well, I think.  Afterward, when Minx and I were home again, it was very hard for me to keep my enthusiasm for the future under wraps…I mean I wanted to ask “Did you like him?  Did you maybe think he was cute?  Would you pose naked with him?  Would you double-team me with him?” but I did not.  I did say (in a joking-but-not-really way) that we should invite him over sometime to teach us what he’s learned about massage – most likely by massaging Minx while I watch – but it was late at night and Minx said he was too tired to know how he felt about that idea.  Fair enough.  

That was my Saturday.

On Sunday, Minx and I were slated to hang out with my ex-husband and our dog (who lives with the ex, and whom I haven’t seen in over two years(!)).  Honestly, I kind of didn’t want to; I mean, I’m the one who asked for this, but then the Saturday outing with TLH came through and I knew it would probably leave me tired and wanting to slack off.  But my ex was only free on Sunday (and he’s flaky and busy so who knows when my next chance for dogtime would be?) so against my better judgement I booked social stuff two days in a row.

Before I tell you how Sunday went, I need to mention that Minx and I came home on Saturday after our tiring but pleasant day with The Latent Heterosexual to find an email from the landlord that the apartment across the hall had bedbugs so they were going to fumigate the whole building on Monday afternoon.  This meant frantically cleaning the place up and finding a friend to crash with on Monday night so we wouldn’t get exposed to the poisonous fumes – ideally a friend who’d take in BastardCat, too.  And there was still Sunday with my ex to get through.  I put out word of my fumigation predicament through Facebook (without much success) and then Minx ordered me to go take a nap because I was tired and stressed to the point of barely being able to move.  While I was asleep he got lots of tidying done, and I was able to get some done later on as well.

The plan for Sunday (as I told – not asked – my ex) was for us to take public transit as far in his direction as we could (he lives beyond the end of the transit line) and he’d pick us up with Dog and drive everyone to whatever park was nearest and we’d hang out for a bit.  Dog freaks out on car rides and Ex made it clear years ago that I wasn’t welcome at his place (he said his second wife felt threatened by me) so this seemed like the best solution.

I was feeling a lot of trepidation about seeing Dog again.  Ex and I got him when he was three months old, and I was his mommy for the first eight years of his life – I was the one who took him for walks most of the time, and taught him to climb the stairs when he was such a wee pup that he couldn’t figure it out, and comforted him when he was scared or hurt.  I’ve brushed his teeth and detached poo from his butt.  He slept in our bed every single night, usually spooned up against my chest.  But Ex and I separated in 2005; at first Ex would leave Dog with me for a weekend here and there, but then he got married (and was always schlepping his stepdaughter to gymnastics class or some shit) and Dog’s car anxiety got way worse and I also got busy with life and acquired BastardCat and, well, it’s been over two years since I’ve had Dogtime.  Possibly more like three years. I felt guilty and horrible about that, and wondered if the dog thought I’d abandoned him; at the same time I had a horrible feeling that he’d actually forgotten me entirely.  I was also convinced that Sunday would be the last time I’d ever see Dog alive, since he’s a whopping fifteen years old now and Ex is barely ever available to hang out.

Oh, and on top of all this, Minx and Ex had never spoken before – just nodded at each other in passing when I went out for coffee with Ex one time.  So, for the second fucking day in a row, I was hanging out with my partner and an emotionally charged person from my past, with little or no idea how it would all turn out.  I really wanted Minx to meet Dog and Ex, though; they both contributed so much to making me who I am today.  And I wanted Minx there for emotional support in case Dog had no idea who I am.

When Ex showed up at the appointed spot on Sunday, Dog was not in the car.  Surprise!  Ex decided to take us to his place.  Dog is apparently worse at car rides than ever, so driving him anywhere was simply not an option.  I guess Ex’s wife is over whatever crap she felt about me (if indeed that was ever really the issue; it’s been pointed out to me that Ex may have manufactured that whole thing because he didn’t want the two of us talking.).

On the drive to Ex’s place, Ex barely acknowledged that Minx was in the car; at the time I thought Ex was resuming his old pattern of being pointedly hostile toward my friends, but now I think it was just regular ol’ social awkwardness; it’s hard to start a conversation with someone you’ve just met.  And anyway Ex has no reason to fuck with my social circle anymore; that was a ploy to keep me isolated so I’d never have enough social support to leave him, but I left anyway, so.

We pulled into the driveway and Ex told me to brace myself because Dog would probably go crazy at the sight of me (he used to go crazy every single day when I came home; one can only imagine what he’d do after years, right?).  I braced myself.  Ex opened the door.

…And Dog had no fucking idea who I was.

Seriously.  He greeted Minx and I in the same pleasant, low-key way, and then wandered off to the living room.  At no time during our visit did he ever twig to my identity; I don’t know if it’s because his hearing is going so he couldn’t recognize my voice, or if I smell different now because I’m no longer vegan, or if it’s the simple fact that he hasn’t lived with me full-time in – god, almost half his life.  But I did get to hang out with him and pet him and kiss him and be kissed in return, so that was nice.  And y’know…the fact that he didn’t know me means that he hasn’t been missing me.  I had all this guilt, thinking that when those weekend visits stopped he thought I’d abandoned him and was sitting around sad, but I guess he never did.  Or at least he got over it okay.  So my heart got broken and mended all in the same afternoon.

Ex and Minx and I sat around making awkward chit-chat for a bit (with Ex’s wife popping in to make even more awkward chit-chat – I don’t know what to say to her and she barely understands English) and then Minx and Ex and Dog and I went for a long walk through the big ravine behind the house, and by that time the conversation was flowing a bit more smoothly.  There was more hanging out in the living room, and we were invited to stay for dinner but we declined because we really had to get home and clean up for the exterminator some more.

And so we went home and cleaned.  A lot.  And I realized that all of Minx’s and my friends either have cats already or are allergic to them, so there was no way for me to remove BastardCat from the house and keep him with me (which was my ideal solution).  I texted my friend Kaija to see if I could crash on her couch (she said yes within minutes <3) and started frantically researching kennels. Yeah, that’s right, I learned that my dog didn’t know me anymore, then came home to the sweet, loving kitty who thinks of me as his mommy…and started making plans to banish him from the house.  Really bad coincidence, there.

We got through it.  Minx and I each had a nice time visiting our respective friends’ places, and BastardCat was stressed out by spending the night in a kennel but he seems to be over it already, and our apartment smells kind of gross and chemical-y but the smell is gradually dissipating and it’s allegedly safe to be here.

And Minx was just so strong and steady, standing by me through all the emotional stuff and being the true driving force behind all the pre-fumigation organization…I love him more than ever, if that’s even possible.  We’re stronger together than we are on our own.  I hope we get to weather all our difficult times side-by-side for the rest of our lives.

 

*Maybe “interactions” is a better word?  TLH and I were never boyfriend/girlfriend and when I was seeing TLH and Minx at the same time, Minx and I weren’t boyfriend/girlfriend yet.

We always have the best talks.

When I finished that previous post about RG, I went out to the living room and told Minx what I’d figured out: that I’m afraid he won’t be able to say “no” to sex, not because he’s a manly manly horndog who can’t help himself but because he’s too afraid of confrontation and too eager-to-please.  I pointed out how he said he’d made efforts to touch and snuggle RG “because she seemed to need it so much” – not because Minx wanted to per se – and that doesn’t seem to bode well.  Like, maybe I’m paranoid, but I can’t help thinking…if someone “needed” to fuck him, would he oblige that, too?

Minx momentarily spaced out (as he often does…let’s attribute it to ADD) and asked me to rephrase my thoughts in a more succinct way because he wasn’t quite getting it, so I said “If you were making out with someone and she started going further than we agreed upon, would you be able to make her stop?  Even if it maybe meant physically pushing her away?”  I could tell from Minx’s face that I’d struck a chord – he knows he’s bad at confrontation.  He fell silent for a while and finally said “I think I could, yeah.”

We got to talking about the whole RG situation some more and – perhaps because I’d analyzed his motivations for touching her before – he asked me which would be weirder for me, him getting caressed by someone or him doing the caressing.  I was surprised to have an immediate and definite opinion on this: the latter would be weirder.  If Minx is being touched, he could just zone out and enjoy the sensations; he could technically be pretending it’s anyone.  Conversely, if he’s doing the touching it indicates a certain amount of deliberation; it means that he wants that specific person.  And the idea of him wanting someone else is kind of scary to me.  I was quick to add that I’m just being philosophical and not telling him to change how he’d interact with someone, but…yeah.

Minx also said that he doesn’t think he’s ready for other-people makeouts because he kept almost calling RG by my name when they were hanging out.  I’m not gonna lie – I secretly kind of love the idea of Minx going “Y’know what?  I don’t want anyone else…but you go ahead and kiss other people whenever you want!” – I’d get all the fun and freedom and none of the scary parts that come with a truly open relationship.  And it does seem like Minx isn’t ready for outside makeouts – but I think it’s more that he hasn’t met the right person yet, and also that (as he mentioned before) he’s already got too much on his plate with his anxiety and whatnot.  I suggested that the wrong-name thing probably just happened because Minx is around me more than anyone else, and RG is the same height as me (in fact she’s the only other woman Minx knows who’s so freaking tall), so it’s pretty natural that if he sees tall femaleness in his peripheral vision he’d automatically think “Cowgirl.”  I said it’s like a kid who calls his teacher “mom” because both people are grownup authority figures.  Minx says I might be right.

I think it’s amazing that he’s being so choosy with his makeouts.  I’ve known guys before who were just beginning to open up a relationship, and in every single instance their girlfriends had “outside” experiences first and the guys seemed desperate to find someone of their own to even the score.  Meanwhile, Minx doesn’t even have a scorecard.  He understands that my Pedant makeouts don’t reflect on him at all; they’re not something that needs to be counterbalanced or avenged.

I also think it’s amazing that opening our relationship has made me feel closer to him than ever – it may sound counterintuitive, but it’s true.  In negotiating our boundaries and talking through our occasional insecurities, we’ve learned a lot about each other and ourselves.  Of course I’m not suggesting that every couple needs to see other people; it’s perfectly possible to be monogamous but have the same kinds of talks.  It’s easier to gloss over jealousy in a monogamous relationship, though, because your partner isn’t allowed to date whoever you’re feeling weird about.  What Minx and I are doing kinda forces this shit out into the open, and it’s been really illuminating.

Oh, and Minx said that our talk about RG the other night made him realize that her attention whoring, compliment fishing behaviour tired him out and made him feel really uncomfortable.  He’d repressed those feelings while the two of them were hanging out (he’s a people-pleaser and just wanted everything to go smoothly) but I guess when I pointed out how inappropriate she was being, it validated his own feelings about it.  He’s realized that he kinda doesn’t want to see her again unless she changes her behaviour; he’s thinking of writing her a (gentle, tactful) email suggesting some attitude changes.  He thanked me for watching his back. 🙂

I’m so relieved that he’s not interested in RG anymore.  When he was telling me some of the skeevy and awkward things she’d said, it seemed like they didn’t bother him; I started remembering various poly people’s stories of The Person Who Tried to Steal My Partner and wondered whether RG would start (keep?) blatantly disrespecting my relationship with Minx and he’d be totally oblivious to it.  That would bug the shit outta me.  But no, Minx apparently gets the same icky vibe from her that I do.  We’re on the same page.  And when he finally meets someone worthy of him, I think we’ll be on the same page, too, and I’ll be able to get through his inaugural makeouts without incident.

Pedantry and Minxnificence.

When I saw The Pedant a week or two ago, he told me he’d like to see me more often.  Actually he’s said it the few times before that, too, but it sounded like a pleasantry…people always say “Let’s do this again soon” or “Let’s not wait so long next time” at the end of a get-together.  When he literally phrased it “I’d like to do this more often” instead of using a stock phrase, it finally occurred to me that he might mean it, and I was flattered.  And indeed, yesterday he texted me asking if I’d like to have lunch today.  Usually he doesn’t ask outright like that…it’s either me doing the asking, or we talk online and he kinda hints around that he hasn’t seen me for a while.

Anyway.

I’m growing more fond of him, I think.  He told me recently that he wonders if he has an autism spectrum disorder because he seems to miss social cues a lot and because people are sometimes offended by things he says and he can’t figure out why; that statement suddenly made him make sense to me.  I mentioned before that I initially read him as a particular brand of opinionated asshole (hence my naming him The Pedant) and was later confused by him acting considerate toward me; his interest in my well-being didn’t fit with the personality type I’d assigned him.  And he does seem a little out of synch with other people, although he seems to be trying hard to learn how to get along.  Perhaps all of this is why he waited for me to initiate our first kiss, even though I told him outright that a) I was interested in him and b) Minx and I decided we could make out with other people.  At any rate, sometimes people block him on Facebook and whatnot and he doesn’t understand why, and it’s disconcerting to him; he wishes they’d at least have an angry explanatory rant at him so he could know what he did and avoid making the same misstep again with someone else.  I told him that if he ever pisses me off I’ll be sure to tell him exactly why I’m angry, and he thanked me.

During that same conversation about misreading social cues, I told him how frustrating and flaky and vague guys were when I was single and dating.  Specifically, I said that I really like to put relationships in categories – I always wanted a guy to confirm “Yes, we are having Teh Ongoing Casual Sex until further notice” or “I’ve been enjoying our time together and if it’s okay with you I’d like to consider us People Who are Seeing Each Other and Maybe it Will Lead to the Title of Boyfriend/Girlfriend” or whatever – but most dudes would never imply a future beyond “Um, yeah…so I’ll call you.”  The Pedant said that he likes to categorize relationships, too, which totally endeared him to me (and runs totally counter to my hunch that he’s the aloof type who’d run away if someone tried to put a label on their interactions).

He continues to make some kind of “Oooh, if we were in private right now you’d have to watch out, nudge-nudge wink-wink” comment almost every time we’re making out, and it’s been bothering me a lot…but now that he’s said he may be mildly autistic, I can see that these statements might just be a misfire and not just him being a rapey douchebag*.  True to my word, the next time he says something like that I’m gonna tell him I find it offputting and explain why.  I hadn’t bothered before that because I thought he might genuinely be kinda douchey (which was souring me on him a bit, not to mention making me not want to be alone with him ever).

Today I took The Pedant to the arts-and-crafts market thingy where I’m renting a stall, and then we grabbed food in that neighbourhood.  Before this we’ve had the exact same outing every time we see each other – lunch at a specific cafe, then a walk in the park with sporadic makeouts – and I wanted to get out of that rut.  I found myself more physically attracted to him than I’ve been in a while (probably from the “OMG it’s not douchebaggery it’s autism” epiphany), and wanted some affectionate contact, but I don’t really know where the lines are; he never kisses or hugs me hello, so I’ve been assuming that he considers that stuff “too relationshippy” or something, but now I wonder if we’ve both been hanging back trying to figure out the other person’s cues.

Hand-holding also seems like it might be “wrong” in our friends-with-makeouts context, although I wouldn’t be opposed to it.  I will say that I asked The Pedant long ago what the etiquette should be if we bump into each other at a club or something; he vetoed makeouts on the grounds that one or more of his exes might be around and it might feel weird.  So because of that, I’m under the (possibly mistaken) impression that he probably doesn’t want to be seen canoodling with me anywhere where someone he knows might see.  I will get up the nerve one day to ask for a more precise rundown of what’s okay and what’s not, but today was not that day.

At any rate, on the bus to the craft market I was longing to touch him, and finally slid my hand under the collar of his coat to give him a bit of a neck massage (scared to death that he’d freeze up or flinch and I’d have to either awkwardly withdraw or pretend to be flicking a stray hair off his shoulder instead…).  But he relaxed into it, so yay.

In-between exploring the market and getting food, he started acting a bit brain-fuzzy and wonkus, and explained it’s because he hadn’t slept nearly enough all week and it was catching up with him all at once (and yet he came out with me anyway!  Awwwww).  On the bus on the way back, he actually leaned his head on my shoulder and dozed off, which I kind of loved: first off, being lower than and cuddled up to someone who’s upright and facing forward is a bit of a submissive posture; secondly, when a friend sleeps on me in public it makes me feel protective toward them in a way that makes my dominant side happy; and finally, it was nice to know that he will be affectionate with me in public under certain circumstances.  I didn’t like feeling like his dirty little secret, although I hardly felt like I could complain considering the weirdness of our situation.  Like, maybe he won’t make out with me in a club, but I won’t let him go any further than kissing as per my arrangement with Minx; there are rules and restrictions on both sides here.

Oh, by the way, the other day Minx admitted to feeling ever-so-slightly worried when The Pedant and I first started seeing each other, but says that as time went on it became obvious that the arrangement wasn’t going to affect our relationship and so now he’s totally fine.  I find it reassuring that he’s not totally immune to fear or jealousy and I love that he now trusts me more than ever.  And I was like “How far can I go, by the way?  ‘Cause ‘making out’ can technically include groping, but I wasn’t sure if you’d be down with that so he and I have only been kissing all this time” (I’d been wanting to clarify Minx’s stance on that for ages, but was afraid that if I asked sooner it would feel to him like I was asking permission to go further rather than just figuring out the boundaries – and I didn’t want him thinking I was dying to do more and more with The Pedant because I wasn’t.  Although at this point I’m definitely feeling a wisp of curiosity…).  Minx looked surprised and said “Oh, he can put his hands on your boobs or ass.  I don’t care.” Huh.  I had no idea he’d be so blase about that.  I wonder if he would’ve said the same thing back in August or so?

Oh, and hilariously enough, when I complained to Minx about The Pedant’s stupid little “If we were alone together I would SEX you!” type comments a while back, he was like “You should get another makeout buddy.”  And I was like “I should?” and he said “Yeah, I feel like The Pedant is acting kinda full of himself, and maybe it’d knock him down a peg if he realized he wasn’t your only boy on the side.”  So not only is Minx accepting of my other people makeouts, he’s actively encouraging more!  It’s hard to get my head around this because it’s so contrary to the slut shaming, possessive, monogamy-oriented culture I grew up in.  I am so stupid in love with him, you have no idea. 😀

*Especially since his actions don’t match up with his words – he never, ever tries to push the physical side of things.  We’ve seen each other 5-10 times now – sometimes making out for an hour at a time in relative seclusion, like in an out-of-the-way gazebo in a park – and literally all we do is kiss and snuggle.  It’s occurred to me that he may be acting the gentleman so I’ll trust him enough to be in private with him, and then suddenly he’ll be pushy and awful…but if that’s the case, he wouldn’t tell me his intentions outright, right?  It seems very feasible that he’s making a failed attempt at dirty talk.

ABORT! ABORT!

Minx is home from RG’s place.  They never did make out…he said he felt like he could’ve gotten over his shyness enough to ask her, but refrained because she seems so needy and so desperate for a (monogamous and long-term) romantic relationship that an offer of makeouts might seem kinda mean…a pale and mildly insulting shadow of what she really wants.  Or else she’ll latch onto Minx way too hard because he’s all she’s got.

They did exchange some massages and get a little snuggly in a platonic way; Minx could tell that she was feeling deprived of human touch and so he tried to provide some.  When he got home and told me about this, I suggested that we both hang out with her sometime and maybe make a platonic snuggle sandwich – it’d be a way of giving RG the affection she needs and a way for me to tentatively and safely explore how I feel about Minx being physically close to a woman he’s attracted to (who’s not me).

I have since abandoned this idea, though, because holy shit is this girl ever needy.  Scary needy to the point where I want to run away screaming.  I guess when Minx described her behaviour to me I assumed he must be exaggerating, but no; he got on Facebook chat with her and this happened:

RG: I’m so lonely right now.

Minx: *Hugs*

RG: I want to be tied up, teased, and tortured.

Seriously.  That’s exactly how the conversation went.  I’m not paraphrasing or leaving out a segue.  And apparently this is what she was like the whole time Minx was over, too; constantly whining about how sad and lonely she was and making blatantly sexual statements that were almost-but-not-quite aimed at Minx.  He thinks it’s telling that she’d always say “I want someone to ___ me” rather than “I want you to ___ me”; he thinks it indicates that she’s not interested in him per se, she’s interested in…whoever.  Anyone and everyone who’ll pay attention to her.  I agree with this, but also feel that it’s inappropriate of her to say this stuff to a boy who’s in a relationship (and remember, Minx never hit on her so as far as she knows we’re monogamous).  Stating your sexual desires point-blank goes well beyond the bounds of what I’d call “flirting”.  I wonder if she’s trying to hit on Minx without really hitting on him – saying enough to encourage him to make a move but not quite enough to indict herself if Minx calls her on it.  That is some dubious shit and I don’t like it.

I suggested to Minx that we instate a tentative rule (tentative because situations vary and you never know) of hanging out with potential makeout partners  in person three times (minimum) before making a move, just in case they turn out to be kind of a trainwreck.  After all, RG seemed sweet and normal at Red’s birthday party and look how she turned out.  Minx agreed – but then again he always was less likely to jump right on someone than I am.  I’m the one who sees what I want and immediately takes off after it.  I got really, really lucky with The Pedant in a lot of ways, but it’s time to start being more cautious.

Later, Minx tried to end his Facebook chat with RG by saying “I’m sleepy” and she responded with “I’m sad and lonely.”  Jesus.  What can anyone possibly say to that?  Minx looked at me helplessly and I suggested that he avoid comforting/reassuring/flattering her at all costs because that would essentially train her to keep saying these things and they’d get stuck in an endless loop.  I said whenever she fishes for compliments or reassurance he should dodge it – just change the subject.  If she ever says anything that sounds confident and self-assured, that’s when he can dole out praise.  Positive reinforcement. 😀

Minx said “I’m thinking of telling her it was fun getting to know her better today and yesterday, but I’m worried it’ll feed her neediness and encourage her to fish for more compliments.  What should I do?”  I said that probably the best thing to do is to make sure he’s being true to himself at all times – if he did have fun hanging out with her and wants to say so, then do it; if he only wants to say it because she seems to be demanding flattery then don’t.  But good lord, it squicks me that I gave him makeout permission for someone who turned out to be so messed up.

And this whole thing is bringing a bunch of feelings up for me…for a while there my chest got kinda tight and I felt a little teary.  Minx and I had a really good talk (in between him trying to figure out how to respond to RG’s constant sops for attention) and I think I feel okay now, but let me try to sort through my thoughts and emotions here just in case something new comes to light.

Well, first off, there was a minor miscommunication today: I thought Minx would be home in the early afternoon at the latest but he decided to stay longer than that and forgot to tell me.  This in itself is not a huge deal, but we’d agreed that when he got home we’d have a “date night.”  So, when I texted him to ask when he was coming home and he was like “whoops, sorry, I’ll be home by 8,” the rational side of my brain was like “Meh, we’ll still have plenty of time to hang out – it’s not like either of us has work in the morning.  Sucks that I’ve been waiting around for him for a couple of hours, but he’s absent-minded and I never clearly said ‘it’s important that I know when you’re returning ’cause I want to plan my day’ so whatever.  And I’m 99% sure that Minx never initiated any makeouts with RG.”

But then the not-so-rational part of my brain said “But what if he did initiate makeouts?  What if he got all caught up in makeouts and that’s how he lost track of time?  I could maybe handle that under other circumstances, but tonight we had a date, dammit.  Actually, I’m kinda pissed even if they aren’t making out – I feel like he’s neglecting me in favour of someone else.  If I’m this miffed without makeouts being involved then what’ll happen if Minx does ever arrive home late because he didn’t wanna stop kissing someone?”  …And I got annoyed with myself because I thought I was way cooler and more secure than this; I thought I’d cruise through Minx’s first outside makeouts just fine, but here I was panicking over stuff that hadn’t even happened yet.  I wondered how I could’ve overestimated my coping abilities so much.  I’ve since realized, though, that the makeout factor likely doesn’t have much to do with this; it’s that the situation is stirring up all kinds of baggage from my marriage.  My alcoholic ex husband used to blow off plans with me all the time in order to go out (or stay out) drinking with friends and it made me feel like I was the last priority in his life.  I’m pretty sure I would’ve felt just as annoyed with Minx today if he’d been hanging with one of his guy friends; makeouts or not, his being late for a date with me brings up the same old issues.  I explained all this to Minx and he totally understands.

Another thing that came up: I feel kinda stupid for this, but it never really occurred to me that a makeout partner of Minx’s might, y’know, want him really bad.  I always kinda pictured him hitting on a girl and her going “Makeouts?  Hmmm.  Yeah, cool, that could be fun.  Let’s do it.”  – basically the same attitude I get from The Pedant back in the day.  Today, watching RG throw herself at Minx online (or at least proclaim loudly and repeatedly that she wishes someone would fuck her), I’ve suddenly remembered that not everyone is so laissez-faire.  Maybe Minx will hit on a girl someday and she’ll be like “fuck yeah” and come at him like a freight train.  Maybe instead of being playful like the Pedant, this hypothetical girl will get all hot ‘n’ heavy and try to steer things toward fucking.  And while Minx has iron self-control – I’ve seen him back off/cool down during sexytimes on many occasions, even when he’s two seconds from orgasm – he’s also kind of shy.  If a woman is being aggressive with him I could almost see him going further than we’d agreed upon simply because he’d feel rude shoving her away.  Hmmm…I had not articulated this worry to myself before; it only came out just now.  Minx actually told me that one reason he didn’t start anything up with RG is that they were alone in her house and it seemed too easy to end up rolling around on a bed or something; when he said this, I felt kinda nauseous.  Now I know why: I worry about his ability to control a situation.  Especially now that I see how persistent RG can be, and how awkwardly Minx dances around her – even in chat – trying to deal with her neediness.

(He did end up telling her he had fun at her place, btw.  She responded with “Me too.  It was nice having you here.  I get so lonely.”  ARRRGH the festering whiny neediness…that must’ve been the third time in six sentences that she mentioned feeling lonely and/or sad…I’m definitely wanting to keep this girl at arm’s length now.  If a pre-existing friend of mine is going through stuff I’ll do whatever I can to help, but when someone is clearly gonna be high-maintenance right from the getgo, my instinct is to throw myself clear.  DO NOT WANT.)

Anyway, Minx and I should definitely discuss my fear that someone could push him past our agreed-upon boundaries.  Discussion always makes me feel better. 🙂

One last thing that came up for me in all of this: for a while there I think I took “Minx is allowed to make out with RG” and “RG keeps talking about getting fucked” to the faulty conclusion of “….So obviously they’re gonna end up having sex.”  I realized this as I sat peeking over Minx’s shoulder at his chat window, and I said it out loud, and Minx reassured me that the sex stuff is coming from RG, not him.   Just because some cute girl says she wants to get laid doesn’t mean that Minx is powerless to resist; in fact, at this point he seems pretty ambivalent about even making out with her.  It’s becoming clearer and clearer that doing so would open up a gigantic can of worms that neither of us wants to deal with.

I still feel embarrassed at acting all freaked out over Minx and RG when nothing had even happened between them.  I asked Minx if he thought I was being unreasonable, and he said “You have reasons for feeling the way you do.”  And I told him that I really do think I can handle him making out with someone, but that I always pictured that someone being strong and independent and possibly even poly – someone who would have fun with Minx without pinning her hopes all over him.  I said that I was still fine with the idea of him making out with that one girl from OKCupid who called him “an exquisite creature” – she’s poly and has a primary partner, so her relationship needs are probably pretty much filled, and she generally seems to have her shit together.  She and Minx kinda drifted and never ended up meeting in person yet; Minx said that he’d like to try to make contact with her again, but is waiting until he has his own shit together.  He says that right now – with his anxiety and ADD and unemployment – he’s not a good dating prospect, so he doesn’t want to think about seeing anyone* until he’s got his feet back under him again.  He said that’s yet another reason he didn’t initiate anything with RG during their time together – it seemed to him that with both of them being kinda messed up right now, hooking up couldn’t possibly be a good idea.

How this boy got so wise and self-aware I’ll never know…but I think I’ll keep him. 🙂

 

*I prickled at his use of the words “dating” and “seeing someone” – I choose to think of us as “monogamish” because “polyamorous” sounds way too threatening and overwhelming – but who am I kidding?  The Pedant and I are seeing each other, albeit casually; we genuinely like each other and listen to each other’s problems and stuff, and although we don’t get together often, we’ve been doing our friendship-plus-makeouts thing for eight months now.  Minx is even more insistent than I am on being friends with someone before taking it further (on rare occasions, I’m attracted to someone enough that I’d kiss and grope them without knowing a single damn thing about them; Minx says he never feels attracted to someone until he knows and likes them), so whoever he makes out with will be “seeing” him, too.  I chose not to say anything to Minx about his particular word usage because it seems to me this is an issue only in my own head.