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GODFUCKINGDAMMIT

A friend told me about a site where you can get paid to text with people. This is relevant to my interests. I’ve set up a profile.

Now, the profile has this animated .gif thing by way of showing the world what I look like. I managed – with difficulty – to get that completed. But I want to add more photos of myself and for some fucking reason they’ll only let you do that through a Facebook or Instagram account. I do not want my Facebook account linked to this site in any way, for obvious reasons. So I made an Instagram account.

So…do the people at Instagram just assume that everyone on the fucking planet has an iPhone and will only be accessing their shitty website from it, or…? Because I’m on the site on my laptop and it told me I need to download the app before I can share any pics. So I downloaded it, thinking “…but isn’t an “app” a thing for mobile phones? But okay, sure, it says to download this thing so I will.” And sure enough this is a mobile phone thing and won’t open on my laptop. And upon closer inspection of the description in the app store, it seems like the app only works with the iPhone’s OS. And I kind of have an iPhone, but it’s very old (so, OS version is probably way out of date) and a hand-me-down from Minx (thus still requiring her password to download shit, and I don’t know what that is) so I’m probably pretty much fucked.

I’m so fucking pissed off right now. Why doesn’t their site recognize that I’m ACCESSING IT FROM MY GODDAMNED LAPTOP and do away with the whole “app” thing? Every other website can tell whether or not I’m on my phone…

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Asserting myself

With previous partners I’ve been hesitant sometimes to ask for things I needed because I hated making myself vulnerable like that and/or I was afraid the other person wouldn’t do what I asked for and then I’d have to re-evaluate the whole relationship. With The Dandy I pledged to myself that I wouldn’t do that. It’s still hard sometimes, though. So many people have disappointed me in the past.

The Dandy came over recently, after I’d barely heard from him for a week. I am a person who needs pretty frequent contact with a partner when he’s not around – it just gives me a sense of continuity. Silence between visits makes me feel like the relationship ceases to exist when dude isn’t around. I want something every day or two, even if it’s just a texted “<3” so I know he’s thinking of me.

TBH The Dandy’s silence and uncharacteristically long hiatus between visits made me wonder if maybe something was up with him – but when I saw him, he seemed normal and in fact told me (unprovoked) that it had been way too long since he’d seen me. I asked what was up with that and he cited the funeral he recently attended, plus getting sick a few days before. I took that opportunity to tell him that I prefer more contact than I’d been getting, if possible. I guess I mentioned texting a few times because he said that texting is sort of new to him. For the longest time, the only phone he had with texting capability was provided by his work, and he didn’t want any personal messages on that. Now he has a phone that can text but it’s just not a habit he ever got into. He says he prefers phone calls. I told him that although I’m not usually a “phone person” and might not initiate calls, I would happily accept calls from him.

But yeah…good talk. I have some insight into him, now. And I think he’s upped his texting frequency since then.

Speaking of The Dandy noticing what I like and doing it, a while back when he was over I mentioned that I’m a sucker for having my head petted while I fall asleep. That night he spooned up behind me and we began to drift off and I guess he must have suddenly remembered what I said because he abruptly began stroking my hair/head and didn’t stop until I was almost all the way asleep.

He has a good track record of demonstrating that he wants to do the things I like, which is how I had the nerve to tell him to text me more.

On a whole other note, my solar plexus feels bruised and I’m 99% sure it’s from the handle-end of the Hitachi pounding into my chest as I did a cowgirl-style vibrator sandwich with The Dandy on Saturday. Ow.

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So very done.

The Pedant called me last week just to see how I was doing. He also offered to come over sometime that week so I could vent to him some more, since he knew I’ve been going through a lot what with looking for a new apartment etc. My heart skipped a beat at the thought that he cared about me and wanted to provide emotional support. If you’ll remember, my big thing with him was that he seemed pretty selfish in our relationship a lot of the time and didn’t want to go out of his way for me. I was hoping that our breakup might have made him realize he’d taken me for granted and maybe he was trying to make up for that.

But then when we compared schedules it turned out he was specifically hoping to come see me on Thursday night because he happened to be working walking distance from my house that day (he’s a security guard and they send him to various stores around the city). And I mean, he was still offering to come let me be angsty at him when he didn’t have to, so that’s something, but with the history we have it did bug me that it seemed to be only because he’d be nearby.

When I said I was working on Thursday night but free on Wednesday, he said he could come after his shift on Wednesday and crash here if I wanted and then leave (for his shift that was walking distance from my place) the morning after. I said yes, kind of on autopilot, because for a long, long time I was yearning after any little crumb of attention he felt like tossing my way and I guess I’m not out of the habit of eagerly snatching them up yet. But as soon as I said okay to him visiting, I kind of regretted it. I wondered whether that had somehow been his plan from the start – use my place as a motel and pay for his lodging by listening to my problems. And also I felt worried that he would let me down by cancelling or being late, because that’s a pattern with him. When he signed off on our phone call he said – in his warm, soothing baritone voice – that he would check in with me the next day and then the day after that, just to keep me updated on our plan. He talks a good game but he’s usually full of shit so I didn’t get my hopes up.

Sure enough, I did not hear from him the next day; the day after that (Wednesday, the day he was meant to come over after work) he texted me to say that he couldn’t make it after all. His job wanted him to bring in some piece of paperwork the next day and he had it at home. I think what irritates me the most is that he began his text with “I have some bad news:…” like a) he assumed his cancellation would be some big tragedy for me and wanted to ease me into the news gently and b) he assumed his cancellation would be surprising instead of just the latest in a long, long line of Pedant fuckups.

I was like “Okay thanks for the update” and went on with my life.

Since then, a Bad Thing has happened to me that is infinitely more stressful than the apartment hunt ever was. I texted The Pedant my terrible news and he texted back an appropriate shock/dismay reaction but has not repeated his offer to come over and talk me down from all my stressors. I presume this means he’s not scheduled to work near me anytime soon.

Fucker.

If he ever calls me again I won’t answer.

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Also

I suspect the dude from the other night wishes I would put his penis in my vagina. Last few times we were scheduling a session and I asked what sorts of things he’d like to do, he told me he wanted me to “have my way with him.” Nothing more specific than that, and when I gave him a hand job like usual he seemed vaguely disappointed, so I’m guessing intercourse was what he was trying to hint at. I wish he’d just say that’s what he wants. TBH I might be willing to do that – for more money. His dick is big enough that the $100 he pays me for an hour just isn’t gonna cut it. But I’m also happy enough with how things are that if he’s not hinting at intercourse, I don’t necessarily wanna put it on the table.

The other night I brought lube and nitrile gloves with me and asked him (after some foot worship and wrestling around on the floor) if he might like to try some ass play. He kind of didn’t even seem to know why a guy would want to do that – like obviously he knows that anal sex on a guy is A Thing but maybe he didn’t know that the prostate is up in there and that it’s basically the dude g-spot.

I was honest with him – I said that it’s not guaranteed to be the best thing ever. I said that in my experience, some guys love prostate play, some find the sensation kind of confusing the first time because it’s so new but they end up asking for more and loving it, and some just end up feeling “meh.” He said he was willing to try.

I’m pretty sure he falls into the middle camp. While I had my finger inside him he kept saying “that feels weird” – but while I palpated his prostate, I used my free hand on his dick and he came faster and shot further than usual – an astounding roostertail of jism that arced right over his head and hit the wall.

He’d hosted for a change, and as he drove me home he still periodically said “that felt so weird” in a contemplative tone. I’m not gonna push him to try it again, but I have a feeling he’ll ask. 😀

Also, I’ve found a bunch of erogenous zones on this guy that drive him absolutely crazy to a point where he seems almost afraid of the feelings he’s experiencing and tries to block me or flinch away (I always check in with him at that point and he says what I’m doing does feel good). I love when I can get a guy to that state. If there had been a good way of securing him spread-eagled so I could force him to take what I dished out and see how loudly I could make him scream, I would have. But we weren’t on my home turf.

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by the way

I looked at an apartment today that I think I want.

Cons:

  • Weird-shaped rooms. Like, the living room isn’t even square, it slants.
  • Not a ton of closet space, unless I was too anxious to see straight, which is a thing that happens. One of the closets is wedge shaped, btw – deep on the left side and shallow on the right because of how the wall slants. It’s suboptimal but I can live with it.
  • No bigger than my current place, which is a shame – I’m totally itching for more room. Not the end of the world though, especially since I plan on getting rid of a lot of stuff.
  • More expensive than my current place, but everything comparable to my current place will be.

Pros:

  • I didn’t have an appointment to view it. I was actually just walking through the neighbourhood writing down info on every apartment building, and the super happened to see me and invited me in to see what they had. It bodes well for me that the super notices when something might need doing and does it.
  • Super says he and his wife have been there since 1990.
  • They say they’ve never had bedbugs in the building, and bedbugregistry.com appears to agree.
  • The lobby is well-kept and has many healthy plants in it. The halls are clean.
  • It’s in one of the neighbourhoods I specifically want to live in. I’ll be closer to almost every model gig I ever have.
  • The building was super quiet.
  • There’s this weird vestibule on the way to the kitchen – a little square too small to count as a room – that seems like the perfect place to put the cats’ litterbox and bowls. I’m really psyched to have a place for cat stuff that doesn’t get in my way! No more litterbox taking up the whole bathroom! No more tripping over bowls in the kitchen!

The wife-part of the superintendent couple said she’d run out of hard copy applications so she took my email address to send me one that way. That was hours ago and I haven’t gotten anything. I have since stumbled across the ad for the place on viewit.ca and there’s an email link so I emailed a friendly prompt (in case she misread my handwriting or whatever – now she can just click Reply to send me the thing).

It’s a bit weird that it’s almost the end of the month and the place hasn’t been snapped up. I bet the weird slanty rooms put people off. Their loss will hopefully be my gain.

Incidentally, the lady asked what I do for a living and I told her I’m an art model (yeah, I’m stupid and don’t learn) and she, too, was like “Oh, what kind of art do you teach?” Must be a language barrier thing. I should totally just tell people I’m a teaching assistant. It’s true-ish and would neatly bypass the naked aspect of my job.

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Did I do it wrong?

Looking for opinions from people not on the autism spectrum here (or those who are but have better insight into what neurotypical people like, I guess). The post is long and begins with a bunch of context. If you wanna cut to the chase, scroll down to the line of asterisks and read from there.

I’ve wondered if I might be on the autism spectrum ever since I went on a date with a guy diagnosed with Asperger’s who claimed he could totally sense one of his own. At first I thought that was just a line to try to endear me to him – establish an us-against-them vibe or whatever – but I have since read so many things about autism that hit home for me that…yeah.

One big autism thing that resonates with me is that apparently it’s common for people to find a person on the spectrum to be rude and the autistic person can’t understand why. In my case I understand why in a…technical sense? But I don’t, like, get it.

People seem to really want a cursory “how are you” at the beginning of every conversation, even if the two of you are strangers and you can’t possibly give a shit how the other one is, so I’ve forced myself to make a habit of that. Personally I dislike fakeness and the “how are you” thing often just feels like a way of softening someone up before asking something of them, but it’s what most people want so fine.

The other big thing people seem to expect as a matter of course is that you’ll remember details about them and follow up unprompted. “How was your vacation?” “Did you end up adopting that puppy?” “Where did you and Bob end up going to dinner?”

I do like it when someone does this with me. But it’s not, like, a requirement at all. I can’t remember a time when I started a conversation with a loved one and waited for them to say “so how’d the thing go?” and got mad when they didn’t; if anything I’m surprised when someone does remember details like that. I figure we’re each the hero of our own story and I can’t expect people to recall every little thing that happens to the side characters. If I want someone to know a thing about my life, I just tell them. I don’t resent this or even consciously think “Oh, they must have forgotten that my job interview was on Tuesday, I guess I have to remind them.” I just go “hey guess what? I think my job interview went well!”

On the flip side, I have a shitty time remembering things about other people and even when I do, it often doesn’t occur to me to ask about the things. I’m actively trying to develop the habit but it doesn’t seem to stick. I care about the people in my life, and if one of them tells me “the test came back positive” or “I got approved!” I’ll completely be sad for them or thrilled for them and support them as best I can. But usually they’ll have to tell me that a happy or sad thing happened.

Anyway. The Dandy has said that he never felt supported in past relationships, so automatically I started feeling nervous because I have a known habit of forgetting to ask people about their shit and with my anxiety etc I often need a lot of support, myself, and my partners have sometimes felt that I was kind of a pit of neediness and didn’t give much back.

Today The Dandy went to the funeral of a family friend. I rallied all of my limited focus and managed to remember to text him last night saying I was thinking of him, to let me know how the funeral went, and that if he needed snuggles after he could totally come over.

He never replied, nor has he replied to my text today asking how he’s doing. He often lets texts go unanswered (which I hate, btw; I like more contact from a partner than he gives me) so I don’t know if he’s distraught or just being his normal self.

Meanwhile, I ended up doing some hardcore apartment recon today – including looking at two places – and I didn’t have anyone else to come with me and give a second opinion on the places and I feel totally lost and alone and scared. This is a huge decision and I’m afraid I’ll fuck it up. And I really want to tell The Dandy all about my day and ask him for his opinions on a bunch of stuff but I’m afraid it’ll come off like “yeah so I know your friend just died but LET’S TALK ALL ABOUT MY THING NOW.” I’m fairly sure The Dandy wasn’t close with this guy – his parents were and he was just expected to attend the funeral to support them – but I just don’t know. So I haven’t said anything because I’m trying so hard to avoid being the constant-crisis, oblivious, attention-sucking girlfriend. But it’s hard.

**********

But here’s a fun coincidence – when I got home from all the apartment-hunting, Mine texted me saying he wanted to talk to me. And what he wanted to talk to me about is that he feels I’ve been ignoring his problems lately and obsessing over my own.

Mine’s mom has had several heart attacks over the past couple of years. She had her latest one at the end of January, at which time Mine told me about it and said it had been a terrible week and he just wished he could be in my arms. I sympathized and sent him virtual hugs. The next day – trying to stay vigilant and do that follow-up thing people like – I texted that I was thinking of him and hoping he and his mom were doing okay. He thanked me and said the doctors were running a bunch of tests (maybe I was supposed to say something here?). Two days later he said “I wish you were here” and I sent back a heart.

Later that same day, shit started falling apart at my gallery job. The boss was being pissy with me over my anxiety symptoms (which she interpreted as laziness and/or stupidity, as most people do) and I was feeling like “oh nooooo I’m fucking everything up again and I will never be able to live a normal life or hold down a normal job” and I began a fairly involved, two-day text conversation with Mine in which I angsted about this and debated whether I should quit the job while I was ahead, or hold out on the off chance that I could avoid fucking up a thousand more times and getting fired. Mine listened and offered well-considered advice.

He also asked me how things were going outside of work and I told him how I’d just shelled out $700 to fix the wall that I water-damaged, I’m still seeking a new place to live because my psychotic neighbour bullies and terrifies me, and while technically I was approved for disability benefits back in mid-December, I still haven’t gotten anything in the mail (I called them and they said they don’t even have a decision on file yet and it can take a couple months) so I’m sitting here in this horrible limbo of not knowing whether I’ll be financially secure during my summer slow season or not. We talked about that for a while, too.

A couple days later I asked him if he could help me out sometime with learning how to properly clean my house. Nobody ever taught me how so when I do clean, I always feel like a giant faker/impostor. I just can’t shake the feeling that I’m doing it wrong. I was hoping whenever I saw Mine next he could either clean while I watched or vice versa and I could get a feeling for what normal people do.

He did not respond to this at all. Over a week later he texted “Hey, I’m sorry I haven’t been around.” He does this a lot – vanishes for a while, even when we’re in mid-conversation. I responded by asking him how his mom has been, just in case he fell silent this time because of horrible developments with her health. He said things were a little rough for a while. That was a couple of days ago. Admittedly at this point I got distracted or something and forgot to reply, so today he texted asking me how I’m doing.

And from there we segued into him telling me he feels like I’ve been focusing on my own problems more than his and I honestly can’t tell if that’s fair or not.

Like yeah, we talked about my stuff over the past while more than we talked about his. But what the fuck am I even supposed to say about his mom’s heart attack other than “Oh that really sucks/I hope she’s okay/I’m thinking of you”? Most of the shit I’m going through is stuff I can do something about and need advice on, so yeah, it involved big talks. And I did ask about his mom a couple of times without prompting! And aside from not responding to “it’s been kinda rough” I never ever ignored any statement of his about how difficult things were for him or how sad he was! And if he needed even more “oh that sucks/I’m thinking of you/I hope she’s okay” he could have prompted it by just telling me again that he was having a rough day or whatever!

Just, like…I don’t wanna sound like an asshole here but how much “Oh you poor baby, there there” am I supposed to be doling out? For real, what’s the quota? Should I have been saying it every day? Every two days? Maybe it’s less about intervals and more about making sure I never ever mention how I’m doing without asking him how he’s doing? I honestly don’t know. I kind of feel like he’s being unfair to me here – at the very least he could have told me he needed more attention – but I don’t know. I so often fuck up and make the normals angry with me without understanding why. Maybe this is one of those times when any normal person would have understood how to behave but I just…didn’t.

I expressed some of this confusion to Mine (more politely though). I apologized a bunch for making him feel neglected and explained my thing of being terrible at remembering to follow up with people’s stuff and told him that I do try. He admitted that he should have told me what he needed and said he understands about my weird blank spot with follow-ups. Although in retrospect I realize he still didn’t tell me what he actually needed from me in order not to have felt neglected.

He said that he needs to take some time to mull over our relationship. At which point I mentioned that by the way, his habit of dropping off the face of the earth for weeks at a time kinda drives me crazy, but thank you (sincerely) for at least giving me a heads up this time. But yeah, regular contact (no matter how minor) is a big part of me feeling loved, and his inconsistency in that regard is the main thing keeping me from feeling closer to him. He said he knows this and he apologized. And I guess now we’re just not gonna talk for a while and maybe one or both of us will decide to break up in a more final way than we already did when we agreed he was no longer my sub.

But…yeah. Was I actually that neglectful and selfish or was Mine expecting an absurd amount of attention? If he wanted me to talk about the thing with his mom for as many paragraphs as I talked about whether or not to quit my job, what the fuck was I even supposed to say? How do I fill in that much space? I mean I guess I could have been all “oh, what treatments is she getting?” blah blah blah but I thought talking about his mom’s chest being cracked open and rummaged around in (or the future possibility of it) might be upsetting to him so I tried to just express sympathy and let him talk about shit to whatever depth he needed to. Did I do it wrong? Seriously asking.

 

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Sugar

So I’m still apartment hunting and rental costs in my city are even worse than I thought. Most bachelor apartments cost like $200 a month more than the one-bedroom I’m currently in! That’s gonna pinch me during my busier work seasons and kill me in the summer.

In other news, tonight I hung out with a guy I’ve mentioned before who I was interested in having as a play partner but then he offered to pay me and I was like “…Or we could do that, too.” Turns out he’s the kind of guy who pops up out of the blue only to get his itch scratched, which makes me feel like a service provider anyway, so it works out. I do genuinely find him attractive and for the most part have fun during our sessions, although I get him off every time and he totes hasn’t even tried to reciprocate so there’s another good reason to pay me.

Anyway. I’m more and more drawn to the idea of sugaring, lately. Just finding one guy who I genuinely like, who wants physical affection from someone on a regular basis without a lot of drama or strings. Many guys have told me that I have a really soothing touch/give a good massage/seem to know just how to touch them, and I know I’m good at making a person feel wanted. I figure a night or two of fucking a week and I could get most of my rent paid.

The thing is, sugar daddies overwhelmingly seem to want some 19 year old ingenue looking for help with school. I seem to attract men okay in general but that particular demographic might be a tough one to pitch to. 😛

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