Minx might date; I might not.

Minx has a girl he’s interested in!  She’s a mostly-online friend of his whom he’s met in person twice.  The second time was just recently, at Minx’s birthday festivities, so I’ve met her too.

I feel bad for not trusting Minx more – I have this fear that he’ll develop a huuuuge fixation on a woman I find really, really objectionable, and that nothing I say to him will make him see that she’s awful, and that if I veto him pursuing her, he’ll think I’m just being insecure rather than actually looking out for him/us.  But in practice, this has never happened.  He’s only ever expressed a poly-type curiosity toward women I thought were pretty cool, and on one occasion he avoided getting closer to someone I’d fully approved because he discovered some potential problems once he got to know her better.  He has good taste and excellent judgement and I’m going to try to stop worrying so much!

So anyway, a day or two after our big talk about me maybe having some more partners-on-the-side, Minx shyly told me that he’s interested in his friend SparkleGirl.  I actually squealed with delight (and relief; relief was definitely a factor too).  SparkleGirl is freaking adorable!  She’s a bubbly, pretty, extroverted 21-year-old with a charmingly breathless/overexcited way of talking.  She’s in college right now, so she’s too busy to maintain a heavy relationship and is mostly just dating around right now.  She’s also so freaking young that to my jaded eyes she doesn’t have a lot of substance to her personality yet, so I simply can’t conceive of her as a threat to Minx’s and my relationship.  At all.

I asked Minx if he wanted me to email SparkleGirl and try to hook things up, and he said he’d rather try to navigate this himself for now.  As far as I know, he hasn’t actually spoken to her since I gave my approval for makeouts; I find it reassuring that he’s letting things unfold at a normal pace instead of chasing this girl hardcore the second I said okay.  He seems to be a lot like me when it comes to picking outside partners: he’d rather advance a pre-existing friendship than try to meet strangers, and he’s not desperate for anything or in a huge hurry to make things happen.

As for me, well, I haven’t made a move toward hooking up with anyone new.  I might ask The Pedant about his hot friend, but I’m kinda waiting for the right opportunity.

The thing is, I remembered recently that when I’m severely depressed I get this tremendous urge to connect with new people (romantically, platonically, whatever) so I go online and start enthusiastically courting interesting strangers…while ignoring the friendships I already have.  It never goes anywhere; I’ll either drift after a few messages, or be super involved and excited about getting to know the person online, but then chicken out when they want to meet in person.  I talked about this with The Latent Heterosexual once and he suggested that when I’m depressed I don’t like myself much or feel like I’m worth knowing, so I seek attention from new people where I can have a fresh start – and when they get too close, I bolt before they can find out how bad I suck.  He’s fucking dead on with that assessment.  Insights like this are why I pay him the big bucks consider him a close and trusted friend and would like to upgrade him to part-time partner if he’s up for it.

So yeah, I’ve been feeling a bit tied down for a while and itching to run and play and explore some more – that’s been happening since way before this bout of depression hit – but at this exact moment I think I’m just antsy and depressed and looking to others for validation rather than fun.  I need to stop the madness, stay the hell off FetLife and OKCupid for a while, and focus on me.  Once my feet are back under me, then I can think about dating.

Oh, p.s., Minx is visiting his parents this weekend and it feels fucking awesome having the apartment to myself.  In-between misguided FetLife posting rampages I managed to watch some DVDs and thoroughly clean one corner of the living room.  The floor there was covered with grit and random coins and a bunch of pins that spilled out of their package and some random craft doodads and lord only knows what else…I’ve had plenty of times when I picked up the big stuff in the room – clothes and papers and dishes and books – but I haven’t attacked the flotsam and jetsam in that corner in at least a year.  Now the futon is sitting on empty floor for the first time in recent memory, and it feels awesome!  I don’t know why but I really don’t like cleaning with Minx home – even if he hangs out in another room so he’s not in the way.  Almost any time he’s gone for a reasonable amount of time, I a) decompress for a while by watching DVDs and then b) get a sudden huge urge to tidy.  I’ve explained all of this to Minx but he still barely goes anywhere. 😛  But anyway, hopefully I can clean a bunch more and Minx will come home and feel good about the apartment and about my contribution to the relationship – which is another thing I want to make sure of before I go lookin’ around.

p.p.s. Someone on FetLife linked to an article with tips for men who are trying to break into the poly scene.  I haven’t read the whole thing yet, but so far it’s fantastic.  Although (…she bragged,) Minx already seems to be on board with all the suggestions therein. 😀  But anyway, go read this if you are, or know of, a guy who might need help adjusting to nonmonogamy.  Actually, just read it anyway.  It makes some brilliant points about gender, dating, rape culture, etc.

Alright, fuck this noise.  Time to shut the laptop (which I’ve been on literally since I woke up four hours ago) and go to the DOG PARK.  Awwwwww yeah.

2 Comments

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2 responses to “Minx might date; I might not.

  1. Kaija24

    That article/guide you linked to is fabulous, and applies to dating in general, regardless of poly or non-poly tendencies. Good practical advice delivered in a humane yet honest manner….I shall bookmark and forward! 🙂

  2. uncommonmurre

    Glad you have some happy news! I predict the cleaning success will help with the depression.

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