Walls…closing in…

The Red Dwarf marathon with The Doll the other night was pleasant, by the way.  I’d had ideas of playing with him a bit, but he told me ahead of time that he has a sore forming on his lip* so we wouldn’t be able to make out…and kissing is a huge part of playtime for me so that made a significant dent in my plans.

But then again maybe I wouldn’t have initiated much of anything, anyway.  On some level, it still feels like too soon after Minx for me to be dating anyone; I simultaneously like feeling close to someone new (it fills the vacuum Minx left behind, I suppose), and feel stifled by it (I just got out of a smothering live-in relationship and need to feel free, dammit!).  I’ve noticed that if my last visit with The Doll involved intense physical or emotional stuff, the next time I see him I tend to feel sort of distant.**

Well, the last time I saw The Doll I was slapping him around and yanking him over to me by the penis and stuff, so this time when he knocked on my door I opened it and stepped way back so he could come in without so much as brushing against me.  I didn’t act aloof on purpose; it was not a calculated plan.  It just happened.  Once The Doll was in my apartment I found I could barely look at him.  I busied myself preparing dinner for us and then putting on the first DVD.

We did end up gradually snuggling up to each other during the course of the DVDs, though.  The Doll is so fascinatingly sensitive to touch – I was spooned up behind him and gave his hip a squeeze and that was enough to make him vocalize a bit.  I’m pretty sure he was reacting to the fact of me being assertive and grabbing him rather than how the touch actually felt, but still – it’s easy to coax noises out of him, and I love that.  He vocalized some more when I closed my hand around his ankle (I observed that my fingers touched and he said “Yup, I’m a slender little twig.” It’s so hot that he talks about himself this way…ARRRGH) and then I gave him a bit of a leg massage and he was quite enthusiastic about that, too.  I’ve been told before that I give good massages but The Doll is especially vocal in his praise, and has asked me more than once where I learned/whether I have professional training.

And then he caressed the spot on the back of my neck that turns me to jelly, and I stripped to the waist and had him touch me some more.  He was curiously matter-of-fact about my toplessness.  It’s the first time he’s seen my breasts, but he didn’t stare or even really seem to notice them.  I might have enjoyed just a bit more…acknowledgement?  Appreciation?…but too much focus on my boobs would have made me feel uncomfortable so overall what happened is just fine.  I’d way rather have someone treat my naked body as normal and commonplace than leer and hoot at it like an adolescent.  Also, I’d stripped down so The Doll could service me by stroking my back; he might very well have been acting the part of a respectful domestic servant.

And eventually it got chilly in the living room so I put my shirt back on, and then it was late so The Doll had to get going.

I’ve decided to reserve this week for cleaning, making art, and generally moping around the apartment – no facetime with boys (except SpankBoy, out of guilt – shortly after Christmas I’d promised to get together with him “sometime soon”).  I have not specifically told The Doll or The Pedant that I need a break from them; there’s not really any point in pre-emptively hurting their feelings.  If one of them wants to see me this week I’ll just postpone for now.

In the meantime, I’ve been maintaining the two relationships (or whatever you’d call them) via correspondence.  The Doll and I talk a little on Facebook each day and I’ve sent The Pedant a filthy text or two. 🙂

And now one of The Doll’s friends has friended me on Facebook, which is sweet but makes me feel claustrophobic.  I’m sure I’ve written about this before but I’ll say it again: becoming part of a partner’s social network freaks me right the hell out, and always has.  The more entrenched I get, the more I stand to lose if the relationship tanks.  Suddenly I’m not just losing a partner anymore – I’m being voted off the island.  It’s a lot to deal with, and I still cringe when I think of how sweet Minx’s parents were to me; I still wonder whether they see their emotional investment in me as a waste of time, or whether their graciousness is a gift they automatically extend toward all of Minx’s girlfriends and in a few months they’ll be taking Minx and some other girl to dinner and plays.

Anyway.  This friend of The Doll’s has invited us (and another couple) for dinner in late February, and I’ve agreed to go.  But I’m hyperventilating a little bit.  The Doll has a habit of inviting me to stuff that’s not happening for another few weeks, and every time I accept his invitation I think “man, if I break it off with him in the meantime it’s gonna be awkward.”

Because, yeah…sometimes I’m tempted to give up on dating entirely for a while…throw off the shackles of oppression or whatever so I can work on myself without having to worry about maintaining relationships or coddling egos.  Sometimes I wonder whether I can properly recover from Minx without hitting the rock bottom of being totally alone.  It’s a powerful thing, feeling alone and undesired and realizing that life is worth living anyway.

But…another part of my healing process is having lots of fun, inventive sex to prove to myself that it’s still possible, and goddamn do my boys help with that. 🙂  And I’m sure they’d both let me take a hiatus for a few weeks if I asked for one (hell, The Pedant and I go months without seeing each other sometimes by accident).  No need to throw the baby out with the bathwater…no need to act rash.

Becoming enmeshed with The Doll’s friends still has me feeling antsy as fuck, though. 😛

*I didn’t see anything, so maybe he meant a painful canker sore inside his mouth and not a herpes-type sore like I was picturing…

**With The Pedant, the roller coaster is that when he’s not around I romanticize him too much, I think; then when I see him it’s like “…Oh.  Right.  There’s really no depth to our interactions at all.  Just small talk and fucking” and I shrug and jump on top of him.