Some thoughts on jealousy. And spankings.

A few years back (before I met Minx) I had a spank-buddy.  Basically the same principle as a fuckbuddy, but instead of fucking him, I’d do spanking scenes with him.

The arrangement kind of worked for me because:

  • He pressed my cougar buttons hard – he was a young-looking 22 and gifted at acting like a pouty adolescent.
  • He had a nice ass.
  • He was very bright and analytical – he was good at articulating what he liked about a scene and why, and I love talking about that stuff.
  • He was hot, and I like spanking hot boys.

The arrangement kind of didn’t work for me because:

  • I would have liked more physical contact (making out, at least) and he wasn’t up for that.
  • He was into “domestic” type scenes (babysitter or hot aunt spanking him with a hairbrush and calling him a brat) whereas I’d’ve preferred to use my leather paddle and call him a whore.
  • I very much felt like I was topping him rather than domming him – particularly, I suppose, because we always did the kinds of scenes he wanted.  He was simply not interested in a non-domestic type of spanking.

So, after three or four spanking sessions, we kind of drifted apart.  Then a year or so later, when I was with Minx, this boy (let’s call him SpankBoy) emailed me to tell me he still thinks about me and I’m the most impressive spanking partner he’s ever had aside from his current girlfriend.  And he invited me to play with him and his girlfriend (which would entail spanking him while she watched, I guess?).

I was flattered, and even kind of considered doing this, but when I brought up the idea to Minx it freaked him out (we were still very new then) and also I balked at the idea of someone else watching, so I politely declined.

SpankBoy is now single again (as am I, obviously) and has asked if I want to get together and “catch up.”  Which I’m betting means “Let’s grab a drink and then you can smack my ass a whole bunch.”  And, perhaps against my better judgement, I’ve said yes.  (You guys, he has a really nice ass.  And it’s possible he’ll be okay with makeouts this time around…who knows?*)

So, we’re hanging out this Thursday night.

Today I saw that he’d posted an ad in a classifieds group on FetLife (I discovered this not through the activity feed, but because I keep an eye on that group and was excited to see a new post with a really intriguing title…imagine my disappointment when the post was from someone I already know!).

My first reaction was jealousy – dumb but true.  Then I reminded myself that a) I’m seeing two other people right now; b) SpankBoy has no obligation to me and is perfectly entitled to go out and meet people if he wants; c) I didn’t love our “sessions” that much anyway; I was actually debating formally breaking things off when we drifted apart; d) Just because he puts an ad up doesn’t mean it’ll be fruitful, anyway; e) No matter what happens in the future, I’ll always be the one he fantasized about for years in his early ’20s.  Nobody can take that away from me.

So, I decided not to be bothered by his ad.

Then I decided no, fuck it, I’m not gonna just neutralize my jealous feelings; I’m gonna turn them inside out.  And I responded to SpankBoy’s public thread, encouraging other women to message him because I’ve met him in person and can vouch for him being cute and awesome. 

Here’s the thing about relationships: in my experience, trying to hold on to (or control the direction of) them is like trying to hold on to water.  I clench my fist and everything just squirts through my fingers**.  Nowadays I try to keep my hand open, and all kinds of amazing things go flowing by.  Helping SpankBoy hook up with other people will bring me good karma one way or another; I guarantee it. 

Also, I want to set a precedent for this boy (who has only ever been monogamous before): I want to show him it’s possible to be seeing someone (or thinking of seeing them) and wish them happiness with other people.  I’m a sexual Gandhi, being the change I want to see in the world.

Hopefully, my openness and flexibility will endear me to this boy – and make him feel comfortable enough with me that maybe there can be makeouts this time around (I think last time he hesitated to go there because his idea of relationships is linear – to him, I think kissing leads to sex leads to a relationship and he didn’t want a relationship with me so he avoided the whole thing).  If he still doesn’t want anything but spankings, that’s fine; I won’t feel bitter and I won’t regret trying to help him hook up with other people (I might bow out of the spankings, though; I’m not sure our just-spanking dynamic is really enough for me).  

We’ll see what happens.  I’ll keep you posted. 🙂


*When we were first getting to know each other, he told me he’d like to explore spanking with me but he wasn’t up for anything directly sexual because he wanted to save that for someone he loved (and he apologized profusely for this, which was kind of adorable – he really seemed to think he was obligated to fuck anyone he played with!  I assured him I could handle spanking-only).  

He ended up coming home with me that night for some good old-fashioned discipline – but I guess he was still convinced that I was gonna come on to him at some point, and it made him nervous; at the end of the night I went to hug him goodbye and he dodged me.  I took the hint and kept my distance from then on…but the last time I saw him, he tried to hug me as I left.  I read his body language too late and was already out the door, but yeah.  

It may not be much, but it’s a sign that his trust and affection for me had grown during our time together.


**When I was younger, I was entirely too single-minded in my quest for sex (see point #2 of this post at The Pervocracy).  If I became friendly with a guy and then propositioned him and he turned me down, I was like “Well what good are you, then?!?” (I don’t think I ever said this out loud, but my attitude shone through loud and clear).  Turns out people (yes, even people with penises) don’t like being made to feel as though their only value is sexual.  “Yeah, I don’t care who you are as a person…are we fucking, or not?” is not a great pickup line for anyone.

Nowadays, I befriend a guy because he’s a great person whom I genuinely like, not because I’m hoping to fuck him.  Sometimes I do want to fuck one of these guys I like, but if he’s not into it for whatever reason that’s fine – we’re still friends.  Or if we have sex for a while but then for whatever reason he doesn’t want to anymore….that’s cool, it happens, we’re still friends.

I have to say, since I adopted that attitude, the world has opened up and I get lots more interesting sexual opportunities and experiences.  Also I feel more relaxed in general since I’m not constantly trying to control the direction my relationships are going in.  Likewise, since trying to be poly, I find I’m happier and more relaxed in general – sitting around in a jealous rage, stalking a dude I like because I think he might be into someone else, is not fun.  It’s not productive.  It makes me feel yucky.  Compersion feels better – even though I have to work at it sometimes. 🙂

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