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Mini-talk.

Oddly, when Dandette starts acting up in whatever way, I start feeling rampantly insecure about my relationship with The Dandy and my place in the household. I analyzed this and realized it’s because I’m scared I complicate his life even further. Like, when it was just the two of them living here, if Dandette went off the rails, he’d (usually) just ignore her; stay out of her way; go surf the internet with his door closed or something. Now he’s gotta deal with me saying “I want something from the kitchen but she’s in the living room and she makes me nervous. Come with me” or else urgently venting all my awkward feelings about the situation to him while she’s out for smoke breaks. He doesn’t ask me for comfort or support; only the other way around. So he’s kind of stuck in the middle.

I explained this to The Dandy and asked if he felt stuck in the middle. He said he doesn’t. I asked if he likes having me here – if I contribute anything good – and he said yes, and added “And I’m not just talking about the sex.”

And I said I feel guilty, too, knowing that he’s in this relationship with her that he doesn’t want anymore and he kind of did it to make things less awkward for me. But even as I said this I was like “Oh wait, but you had a few times when you started up with her again even before we were dating. You probably would have started fucking her again eventually, even if I wasn’t in the picture. So…not my fault.” The Dandy didn’t explicitly tell me I was correct in this, but his face and body language were like “yeah, pretty much.”

Good. Maybe I can feel more secure now.

That exchange happened last night, after Dandette imploded over me not wanting her to drink. I mean I’m pretty sure the night of terrible drunken things happened only two weeks ago, and I was like “can we lay off alcohol for a while?” and she said yes. Granted, I didn’t lay out a time frame. But last night she asked me if I’d mind her picking up a bottle of wine to go with dinner and I feel like that’s a bit audacious. I said to please not, and she said “yes, dear.”

But a little bit later on she was acting all wonkus and hid in her room for a while. I thought it was just garden-variety anxiety stuff but apparently she’d asked The Dandy if the two of us could go out to dinner that night, and when he said no, she muttered something about how she’s a piece of shit just like my ex-husband (who was an alcoholic and she knows it) and stormed off.

So probably she was feeling such a strong urge to drink that she was hoping to get us out of the house so she could sneak some.

TBH it strikes me as a really good sign that she’s obliquely labeling herself an alcoholic. The piece-of-shit ex husband was far further along on his own path of destruction before he did that. Although on the other hand maybe with Dandette it’s her mental illness making her exaggerate shit so she can wallow and self-flagellate, and really she doesn’t see an issue.

At any rate her blowup made shit incredibly weird for me; she knows from my stories about my alcoholic ex and his alcoholic parents that I “hate drunk people” (but doesn’t seem to necessarily grasp why; it’s not the mere fact of someone being tipsy, it’s that it usually comes along with them repeatedly violating other people’s personal boundaries) and I figured she was now thinking of me as the Ruiner of All Fun or The Person Who’s Making Her Confront An Uncomfortable Truth or whatever. And I desperately didn’t want to run into her in the apartment; you know she’d make a big thing of self-flagellating for wanting to drink and then she’d wait for me to say “Noooo, you’re awesome, there’s nothing wrong with drinking! I’m just twitchy and judgmental!” or whatever when in fact she definitely is a budding alcoholic.

So I pasted myself to The Dandy’s side all night so I’d never be facing Dandette alone (there never did end up being a confrontation though; she sulked in her room and then eventually came out acting all normal and asking if we wanted anything from the corner store). But that’s what triggered my insecure feelings.

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An illuminating talk.

I’m getting such a strong vibe lately that The Dandy is pulling away from Dandette – and, as usual, my jealousy has started kicking in. If the two of them were functional and happy, I’d be happy for them. But they’re not, so once again I find myself thinking: why am I sharing space with (and partially funding the expenses of!) this person who makes me uncomfortable, again? Why is The Dandy sharing space and financing most of her life, again?

Today while Dandette was out someplace I flat-out asked him if he wanted to be dating her. He hesitated and then said “Not really.” I told him (or told him again; pretty sure I’ve mentioned it before) about my jealousy thing that happens when a partner is with someone else but doesn’t seem that into them. I also said that TBH with my sketchy-ass job and two cats it would be hard for me to secure an apartment elsewhere, and if I did I’d have to deal with roommates anyway, and at least here I already know what kind of bullshit I’m in for (and one of my “roommates” is someone I feel completely comfortable with and can be naked around and stuff, which helps) so I’ll try to make a go of it here no matter what he decides. But I really want my own room so I’m not really down for staying in our current apartment indefinitely while he decides if he should oust Dandette or not. He reminded me that Dandette doesn’t pay rent – and wouldn’t pay any rent in a 3-bedroom place, either – hence he can afford the bigger place whether she lives there or not. Right. Duh.

We discussed that the options here are basically: The Dandy and Dandette work to get their relationship back on track, The Dandy breaks up with Dandette but she keeps living here, The Dandy breaks up with Dandette and she goes…somewhere, or The Dandy just kinda lets things continue on as they have been, where they’re dating in theory but in practice they’re not really cuddling or having sex or doing any sort of relationship things. Maybe Dandette would even get tired of that and dump him first – she was the one who dropped the hammer the first time they broke up, after all. She’s capable of it.

I asked him which thing he thought he might do and he said he didn’t know yet. TBH he really seemed to be longing to have Dandette out of here but just scared of the conversation that this would require, plus not knowing where she could logically go. I was like “Okay, so let me ask you this: if you could magically, without any effort at all, either be in love with Dandette and everything’s great or suddenly she’s not living here anymore, what would you choose?”

Oh,” said The Dandy, as though having a not-very-nice epiphany. He didn’t say anything else but I’m betting he was realizing that yeah, he did want her out; that he’d been living with someone for years whom he didn’t really want around, and was essentially held hostage by her fragile mental state.

“You don’t have to answer right now,” I said. “You don’t even have to tell me what your answer is. It’s just a question to get your brain moving a bit.”

Then I tried my luck and brought up the much-argued-about topic of why he’ll have sex with her but never gets her off. His previous answer had been that he knows she’s got PTSD from past sexual trauma and he’s afraid that’ll kick in if he tries, but that makes no damn sense. He’ll stick his dick in her. He’ll do needle play with her (though he hasn’t in a long time). Why on Earth would he be fine skewering her genitals with a needle but not with touching them nicely? But the vibe between them is so weird lately that my new thought is he feels resentment toward her that makes him not especially want to be intimate. I voiced this idea to The Dandy and he said yeah, that’s exactly it.

Specifically, he said that he doesn’t feel like she’s particularly attracted to him – she just uses him for validation. She almost never initiates stuff with him unless she’s drunk or feeling insecure about her attractiveness. And The Dandy is just kind of…over it. He has sex with Dandette when she initiates it because if he didn’t, she’d freak out and melt down. But he’s not even into that, really, let alone engaging even further by getting her off. And she’s incapable of asking for orgasms (or for any sexual thing, usually, except when her insecurity drives her to “ask” for sexual contact by playing with his dick) and The Dandy is pretty over that, too – the whole passive-aggressive thing where he has to read her mind but even if he reads it correctly and offers the thing she wants, she’ll deny that she wants it (but then get mad later that he didn’t do it anyway).

This explanation makes 100% sense to me and puts my mind at ease on this issue.

(Then I was like “how do you even manage to have the sex? Oooh do you think about me during it? That would be perverse and oddly satisfying to me.” The Dandy was cagey, for some reason, and said that he thinks about all kinds of people. “But am I at least in the rotation somewhere?” I pressed. He cheekily said “Sometimes – when I’m having sex with you.” I made a big show of mock outrage and we kissed.)

But yeah. He basically said that he cares about Dandette and wants her to be happy and stuff but he’s realized that they don’t work well sexually; he’d rather just be friends. But he’s in this relationship with her now and she lives here and she has noplace else she can really go and she’ll probably freak out if he breaks things off – like to the point of suicidal ideation – so he can’t easily extricate himself.

It sounded like he’d been feeling this way for a long-ass time so I asked him if he only got back together with her to mitigate the awkwardness in the house when she started being jealous over his relationship with me. He immediately said yes. I was like “DUUUUDE” and he pointed out that the relationship had sort of been presented to him as a fait accompli.

I apologized for being as pushy about that as I had been (I, too, had been desperate to end the awkwardness), but reminded him that he’d said he wanted to get back together with her. If he’d said he didn’t love her anymore and didn’t want to date her, I absolutely would not have tried to push them back together again. But he said he loved her and would be okay with dating her again! I mean, except for a couple of reservations that I directly brought up with Dandette, basically presenting it as “maybe you and The Dandy can get back together, conditional on how you handle these topics I’m telling you.” But Dandette glossed right on over those things and started telling everyone that she and The Dandy were back together and he never stopped her and made her confront the things she glossed over.

He said he really did think, at the time, that things with Dandette could work if he had me as a sort of buffer zone. I was like “Yeaaah in retrospect I see that having a relationship that entirely hinges on the presence in your life of another person is probably not great. Like it’s not a good sign to need that.” The Dandy didn’t contest me.

I also said, though, that I get it. I understand his idea of dating her again despite his better judgment. The concept of putting out in order to avoid someone getting upset/angry is unfortunately not new to me. So…yeah.

And we talked a whole bunch more about the state of things. The Dandy is also put off Dandette a bit because she’s genderqueer and going through a dude-phase lately, and The Dandy respects her stated gender enough that he is indeed thinking of her as kind of a guy (despite her dressing and acting the same as ever). Also, it came out that he feels that she’s not into him specifically but just wants a trophy to show her parents – there’s a dynamic where her parents are kinda shitty and dismissive toward her and I think she wants to prove to them that she’s a grownup, so The Dandy with his great clothes and six-figure income is an impressive shiny thing to display for them. Dandette goes for older, established guys in general; it’s very much a thing with her.

And The Dandy observed that Dandette has been making a lot of comments lately about “what would you do without me?” and it’s probably because she can feel him pulling away emotionally and wants reassurance that she’s still important here. He said it’s such an awkward thing when she fishes for those compliments, though, because yes it’s great that she cooks and does housework – it makes life easier – but he and I can both get by on our own. If we said that to her she’d no doubt get upset, but neither of us wants to lie to her and say she’s saving our lives, either. Last night, in fact, she was away during dinnertime so we fended for ourselves, and when Dandette returned she pointedly asked The Dandy what it was like to feed ourselves without her. There was a tiny awkward silence – The Dandy wasn’t saying anything – so I jumped in and purposely derailed things via huge, silly hyperbole: “I caught him sobbing onto the kitchen counter. Tears were trembling in his face-fur. It was the most tragic thing I have ever seen.” The Dandy said he knew exactly what I was doing there and why.

The Dandy often gives the impression of being derpy about emotional shit but dude sees everything. Like, during this talk, he made so many bang-on observations about Dandette and her behaviour, and talked about how it affects him and about what he needs in a relationship and isn’t getting from her, and holy cow this display of communication and emotional prowess had me falling for him.

I ventured to say that I hated seeming so adversarial or whatever but it does seem to me that almost all the drama The Dandy and I have had in our relationship originated with Dandette and I couldn’t help wondering what it would be like if it was just him and I living together, on our own. He agreed that things would likely be much more peaceful and drama-free.

But I’m pretty sure he’ll never be able to ask her to leave, so I guess it’s moot.

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A potentially productive talk.

Dandette made dinner for us the other night and then left to run errands while The Dandy and I ate. I took the opportunity to vent to him a little bit about how badly Dandette reacted the two times I tried to talk to her about important relationship issues recently. He said yeah, you can’t ever really bring up issues with her without her melting down.

I blurted out “And you’re not always too easy to talk to about issues, either. Jeez, your whole relationship with her must be just the two of you sitting around in a giant, festering pool of silent resentment.”

“Not…not all the time!” The Dandy protested, weakly. But he was kind of sheepishly grinning. Then he said “What do you want?”

“What do I want?” I echoed. I assumed he meant “what do you want from Dandette and/or me when it comes to discussing issues; what’s your ideal discussion look like” sorta thing but I wasn’t sure.

The Dandy didn’t clarify but jumped straight to “You can kind of tell her one small thing at a time and she’ll take it on board.”

“Well, that’s…something, I guess…”

Then I asked The Dandy what his deal is – when we talk about emotional issues that don’t directly pertain to his and my relationship, I’ve seen him talk about his feelings knowledgeably and easily, but when I try to address things about us he’ll go quiet and I can’t pry any words out of him. Amazingly, he didn’t freeze up at my asking about him freezing up. He was in a comfortable enough headspace to talk to me. He said that he often feels attacked when someone tries to do the big Relationship Talk thing, so it’s a bit of a fight-or-flight thing. Or else sometimes he has a knee-jerk reaction to what’s been said and he kinda wants to say a mean thing but is trying to hold back.

I asked if he needs time to process things that I bring up instead of talking about them right away, and he looked relieved and said yes. (Goddammit Dandy why didn’t you ever tell me this before now!?!). I asked how long of a time he might generally need and he said if I waited a day or two before revisiting it, that would be good. I was like “Okay but could you be the one to bring it up again? Because I don’t know when you’ll be ready and I don’t want to have to ask you fifty different times. I did my part bringing up that I had an issue in the first place and I think it should be up to you to let me know when you’re ready to talk it out.”

“Okay,” The Dandy said, “but just bear in mind that I’m pretty forgetful. Once I’m not angry over a thing anymore, it’s not really at the front of my  mind. So I might forget to come back to it.”

I really, really wish I’d pushed just then and said “Okay well can you set a cell phone alarm or something to remind you to come back to the topic?” because seriously, I do not like that he’s putting the ball totally back in my court again: I have to mention when something’s bothering me and then back off a while (even though I probably reeeeally wanna hash things out on the spot) so The Dandy can process things and then I have to be like “Okay so can we talk about it yet? No? How about now? Or now? Or now?” and probably have him feel nagged and pissy if he’s not ready to talk yet? Ugh. I’m so tired of being the emotional babysitter in my relationships.

Anyway. During that same talk he mentioned that brushing his teeth and taking a shower is often how he collects his thoughts when he’s upset – it gives him time to think and makes him feel more organized and “together” or whatever. So that’s good to know. I’ll be sure not to follow him into the bathroom to continue a talk or whatever if he’s declared that he needs to brush his teeth and/or shower.

I think that’s about all we talked about. But yeah, it was good.

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These people are driving me crazy.

Now I know where The Dandy gets his refusal to talk through issues from, I guess. Or vice-versa.

A few days after the awful drunken incident, I got up all my nerve and asked Dandette at the dinner table if we could lay off alcohol for a while*. I assumed this would be the beginning of us talking through what happened that night so I’d rehearsed, over and over again the gentlest possible ways of saying what I needed to say. It made me feel barfy to have to face it all head-on but I figured it was the only way to make my feelings clear and make sure Dandette was less likely to repeat any of the shitty things she did.

But no. When I took a deep breath and casually asked “Hey would it be okay if we stopped drinking for a while?” she said “Yep” and then immediately segued into another topic of discussion, giving off a palpable vibe of “I know you didn’t like how I acted last night but I don’t want to explicitly hear about it because it’ll be too upsetting.” And I didn’t have the nerve to pursue it. But since that night she’s done some very tame versions of the things I didn’t like (fishing for compliments from me on how sexy she is, poking me in the boob and going “Ooooh, squishy!”) so clearly she doesn’t know what exactly I disliked about that night. She just knows it’s something, and she doesn’t want to feel all bad and guilty hearing about it. Or maybe she just assumes I don’t like being around drunk people for no other reason than them being drunk. She has phrased it that way before: “I know you hate being around people who are drunk.” Like just the fact of someone having had a lot of alcohol is my problem and not the invariable sloppiness and boundary violations and maudlin soliloquies that come with it.

Tangent necessary to get to my second example of discussion avoidance: I spent an entire day feeling crazy and gaslighted because The Dandy refused to concede my point about the grocery thing, like, at all. Or refused to hear my point. See, I brought it up yet again the day after it first came up because I didn’t feel like anything had been resolved. I said “So, about yesterday…all I want is for you to let me know if you didn’t get to an errand you said you’d do so I know it still needs to be done and I can maybe pick up the slack. That’s reasonable, right?”

He said “No, I don’t think it is. It sounds like you’re just mad at Dandette for being anxious and me for being sick**.”

Oh, for – I didn’t even say anything about that. I have anxiety and other health issues, myself; I’m the last one to be judgey about this stuff. My point is that if you or Dandette say you’re going to do something – an important thing like getting more groceries when we’re almost out – but then you don’t do it, I need to know that it didn’t get done. I need you to keep me informed so I can decide what I’m gonna do from there. Get it?”

And The Dandy replied that when he used the word “unreasonable” he was talking about how angry I got that night and I was like “Okay, yes, I feel bad for that, I didn’t intend to yell like that. I was exhausted and sore and probably having a blood sugar crash and I snapped. I’m sorry for that- ” The Dandy seemed mollified “- But you do get what I’m saying, right? I need to be kept in the loop about things that affect me.” And he went silent and stared at me with a belligerent expression like I was pushing him to do something completely crazy and unreasonable and he was bracing himself for a fight to defend his boundaries.

Which made me lose my patience somewhat and I said various versions of “For fuck’s sake, just do your best to fulfill your agreements and if you can’t then tell me you couldn’t. This is basic adulting. I can’t understand why it seems so foreign to you.” I said this to him in the car on the way to my model gig (he did end up driving me) and when he still didn’t say anything I said it to him some more when I got home. And he still sat there being belligerent and silent.

Eventually he said something that broke the stalemate – I forget what. I think maybe he finally admitted that it wasn’t unreasonable for me to want to know whether or not there was food in the house. But then he kinda acted like the argument was over and I was like “Well, I kinda need to hear an ‘I can understand why you were frustrated and I will try harder to keep you informed going forward.’ During all of this you’ve basically acted like I was crazy for feeling like I do. You still haven’t validated my feelings or said that you’d try to change. And without that, I don’t know how to stop feeling angry.”

The Dandy sighed heavily and pinched the bridge of his nose in exasperation but didn’t fucking say anything. “This,” I said. “This right here. What’s going through your mind when you get silent like this?” He didn’t tell me, of course. And I honestly can’t even remember how our fight ended. Probably he grudgingly said “Yeah, those things you said, I concur with them” or something and I decided that would have to do.

So the day after that, I brought up my fight with The Dandy to Dandette, really only as a pretext to make sure she knew my core issue with everything, too: being kept informed. ‘Cause when we’d texted about this, she too kept getting stuck on “you’re mad at me for not doing the thing” even though I expressly said no, I just want to be told when a thing doesn’t get done.

We were hanging out in the living room and I casually said “So all day yesterday The Dandy and I kept talking about the thing with the groceries and he basically made me feel like I was going crazy.”

Dandette’s demeanor completely changed from relaxed to “Ohhhh shit” at this point but I forged ahead because I didn’t know what else to do.

“All I said,” I continued, “Is that if something important doesn’t get done, I need to know so I can figure out a plan B if necessary. I mean I was at a grocery store that night. I could have picked up some stuff for myself, if not everyone else. But nobody told me that I needed to. And The Dandy kept missing my point and thinking I was mad about the lack of groceries itself. Which was not the issue at all.”

Dandette paused. “You made me feel like shit about that, to be honest,” she said finally.

I said I was sorry and that wasn’t my intention at all – I gave her the spiel yet again about how I’d never judge about her having an anxiety attack and not being able to do a thing. I just want to know the thing wasn’t done. That’s all. (God WHY IS THIS SO HARD FOR BOTH OF THEM TO GRASP.)

Dandette said she didn’t realize it was important to me to be kept informed like that but she’d try to do so in future. (GOD WHY ARE THE TWO OF THEM SO WEIRD. I REALLY DON’T THINK THIS IS ROCKET SCIENCE. THEY SAID “WE’RE GONNA DO A HUGE GROCERY RUN TODAY WITH THE CAR TODAY.” THEREFORE I CAME HOME EXPECTING THERE TO BE FOOD IN THE HOUSE. THERE WAS NOT FOOD IN THE HOUSE. IF THEY HAD TOLD ME EARLIER THAT THEY HAD NOT IN FACT PURCHASED ANY FOOD, I COULD HAVE DONE SO ON MY WAY HOME.) Then  she change the subject, so I guess that was the end of our discussion whether I liked it or not.

Oh, just so you know, this is the text conversation I had with Dandette while I was out that night angrily getting myself something for dinner:

Me: Make The Dandy take you out for dinner.

Dandette: Where did you go?

Me: Grocery store to see if they have something I want. [New message] You two also need to eat and I very much want to be alone so if you could go eat somewhere that would be good.

Dandette: Shit I’m so sorry. I can go to the store and grab something to make for dinner. He’s not going to want to go out while he’s sick. [New message, I guess responding to my second one] Ohhh ok.

Me: Let me know which way things end up going, then – if I get space or not.

Dandette: He’s in the shower right now. The brain weasels are making me ask – did I do something wrong?

Me: I get anxious when there’s not enough food. At least twice now, you and/or The Dandy said you’d do a grocery run but didn’t. And (this is key) didn’t TELL ME. So I go home from work, right past a grocery store, to find there’s nothing and I’m out of spoons to go out again. [new message] I was AT a grocery store after work today. I only picked up drinkable yogurt for work. I wanted to text you and confirm that groceries had indeed been gotten but I pretty much figured nobody would answer me in time.***

Dandette: I’m sorry I ran out of spoons today. I’ll go to the grocery store right now. You can hide in my room. I’ll be a while there. [New message] I’m such a useless piece of shit.

Me: I  do understand about the fickle spoons. I just need *communication*. I can deal with plans changing. I can’t deal with people saying they’ll do a thing but then just not doing it. [new message] And I get home and ask about groceries and The Dandy is like “Oh, no, Dandette ended up passing out” like dude YOU HAVE A CAR and working legs and a working brain why can you not do this unless Dandette is awake?

Dandette: He’s not very good with getting groceries. I should have just sucked it up and gone.

Me: Just texting to say it didn’t get done and I’d need to pick something up would have been fine.

So, reviewing this now with a clearer head…I mean Dandette has anxiety issues and if I could do it over again I’d’ve sugarcoated things more but I don’t think I said anything particularly horrible or seemed like I was trying to make anyone feel bad – just trying to make it very clear that I was inconvenienced, and what to do about it next time. Considering this exchange happened while I was angry enough to punch someone in the fucking face until it collapsed, I think I did pretty well. I wonder if The Dandy told her about my yelling etc, after I’d left for the store and Dandette had come back from having a smoke? Or I wonder if Dandette assumed my wanting to be alone meant I hated the two of them, even though I never said that?

(My rage did feel centred on the two of them but it also felt sort of overblown to me, like maybe PMS or a bad bout of anxiety poisoning my thinking. I really just wanted time to cool down and figure my shit out without accidentally losing my temper at them for no good reason. Also, I like being alone and Dandette is almost always around so I’ve had frequent times of feeling kind of boxed-in and overly-peopled and wishing everyone would gtfo for a bit even when I wasn’t mad at anyone).

Anyway, that’s twice recently that I tried to have a serious face-to-face talk with Dandette to let her know what I need from her in order to be happy here and she cut it short as fast as she possibly could. I don’t think it bodes well.

 

*To her everlasting credit, she invited me to ask this of her anytime I needed to because she knows I was married to an alcoholic and have some triggers around alcohol.

**I forgot to mention he was getting over a cold that day. This is the excuse he used for not getting food (but, tellingly, only after he saw I was angry about it). I call bullshit. First off, Dandette says he’s always needed to be coddled and prodded and hand-held into getting groceries – and I’ve somewhat noticed this, too, even in my short time here. Second, even at the peak of this cold he wasn’t feeling shitty enough to call in sick at work, and the day before the grocery incident he told me he was actually feeling a lot better – that maybe he sounded worse because he was coughing so much, but that was just the germs working their way out. He was not by any means so sick that he couldn’t get off the couch.

***The Dandy never checks his phone. Dandette does, but her sleep schedule is all over the place and indeed it sounds like she was having a post-anxiety-attack nap all that afternoon and would not have been available to read any texts.

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Rage

I’m just fucking furious about All The Things today. So much so that I wonder if it’s even genuine emotion or some hormonal thing. Maybe I’ve just been suppressing a lot of shit and it’s not suppressable anymore. I dunno.

Grocery-wise, we’ve been running on fumes for days now if not a week. And on at least two occasions, The Dandy (WHO HAS A CAR) and/or Dandette (WHO DOESN’T HAVE A JOB AND HAS ALL DAY TO GET SHIT DONE) has said that they would go do a huge grocery run. And then they didn’t. And they didn’t bother to tell me this. So I come home from work (passing right by a grocery store along the way, btw, but not picking anything up because I assume the people I care about actually fucking did what they said they were gonna do) and I get home and there’s still practically no food and now I’m too exhausted to go out again and get anything.

Yesterday I was off work and Dandette asked me in the morning what I’d like for dinner. I told her, and she said great, yes, she would go buy the stuff for that and make it that night. But as of 5pm she was wrapped in blankets on the couch and clearly settling in for a nap, and I began to suspect that she would not in fact be picking up groceries and making the thing I’d requested. But I didn’t want to ask, because that would seem like pressure and also I’d have to wake her up. So I awkwardly waited around for a few hours and finally at 9pm The Dandy caved in and made pasta. Dandette woke up as we were eating that and had a little apology/freakout over not having made us anything. I can’t really bring myself to give a shit about her feelings here. She deliberately went to sleep in the evening and didn’t set an alarm of any kind. She knew way ahead of time that she wouldn’t be getting groceries or making dinner. Freaking out after the fact seems like too little, too late, and anyway why didn’t she just say “I’m having a really bad brain day and I can’t do it, sorry”? I would have gone out and picked up some food for us, then, instead.

So then the new plan is for The Dandy and Dandette to do a grocery run today. I go to work – where the instructor has me doing poses for fifty minutes without a break and I was too wussy to say anything and afterward I’m just completely drained. I stop in at a grocery store on the way home to get drinkable yogurts for work snacks – I’m the only one who has those so it’s only fair that I should get ’em. It occurs to me that possibly The Dandy and Dandette didn’t go get groceries, but they never respond to texts in a timely fashion and usually won’t pick up the phone, either, so it’s useless trying to ask. I debate getting myself some dinner but if it turns out they did get groceries, it will look like I didn’t have any faith in them. So I just get the yogurts. I come home, wrecked and sore and pissy, and ask The Dandy – who comes out to greet me in his pajamas – about our grocery status. “Oh, yeah, Dandette had a bad day and had to crash so we didn’t go,” he says, as if it’s just a given that if she doesn’t go for groceries, he can’t, either.

HE. HAS. A. CAR.

HE. DOES. NOT. HAVE. ISSUES. WITH. LOW. ENERGY.

HE. DOES. NOT. HAVE. ISSUES. WITH. ANXIETY.

IT. IS. SATURDAY. AND. HE. DID. NOT. WORK.

WHY. THE. FUCK. DOES. HE. NEED. HIS. HAND. HELD. IN. ORDER. TO. DO. BASIC. ADULTING.

I sat on the couch for a while, silently, so full of rage I could barely see. The Dandy eventually asked what was wrong.

“I’m just deeply irritated that nobody’s gotten groceries. Still. We’ve been low for days now and at least twice you’ve said you’d get them and you didn’t and you didn’t even tell me so I could pick something up myself.” And then I just kind of lost it and started yelling that I’ve been working all the time lately and dealing with chronic stress and shoulder pain and back pain and insomnia and trying to process all the shit that happened with Dandette the other night (Dandette was presently out for a smoke, hence my yelling about it freely) and The Dandy’s been off all day and HAS A CAR and HAS ENERGY and he apparently opted to just sit around on the couch all day instead of making sure there was food in the house. And of course he didn’t bother to even tell me that he hadn’t done it because hey, why would anyone ever fucking tell me what was going on or hold to their promises or anything silly like that?

And I stomped off and hurled my knapsack into the bedroom and lay on the bed for a bit. Then I decided, fuck it, I would go back out to the grocery store and get myself something to make for dinner, just for me. The Dandy had suggested ordering pizza but some days my body tells me I’ve hit some kind of quota on bready things and today was one of those days. My body was also telling me it wanted vegetables. So I decided I would go get a trout fillet and some stuff for a salad. As I stomped back out and put my shoes on, The Dandy shuffled out of the living room to ask where I was going. I told him I was going out to get myself food.

“I can go with you,” The Dandy said. “I mean, I have a car…”

I was sorely tempted to scream “OH, DO YOU? I DIDN’T NOTICE!” but instead I just flung myself out the door and slammed it behind me.

At the grocery store I texted Dandette (who does check her phone often when awake; the problem at the other grocery store before was that I figured, rightly, that she was probably passed out) asking if she could get The Dandy to take her out to dinner because I really, really wanted to be alone.

She asked if it was something she’d done and I said that I get anxious when there’s not much food in the house and it was exacerbating it that they kept saying they’d get more but didn’t. I emphasized that if they’d TOLD me they didn’t get stuff, I would have taken care of it myself, but they never said anything, they just didn’t do what they said they’d do and then I’d come home with no energy left and find that there was no food. Dandette of course chose to wallow in a whole “I’m sorry my anxiety kept me from going to the store, I’m a useless piece of shit, blah blah blah self-flagellation blah” even though I repeatedly said that the issue is actually the not keeping me informed.

Although, just between you and me? Yeah, I am annoyed that she didn’t go. I know it was due to anxiety and exhaustion and I get it and I sympathize. I’m not going to push her to do things she doesn’t feel able to do. I want her to take care of herself first and foremost. But her official role here was supposed to be our “housewife” – including getting groceries and cooking dinner every night. In most ways, I would prefer to live alone. I like having privacy and space. I opted to trade my privacy and space for regular meals I don’t have to cook. But those aren’t happening, and yeah, it sucks.

The Dandy and Dandette didn’t end up going out for dinner but they did go get groceries and Dandette said I could use her room for alone-time for a while. So that’s where I am now – sitting on her bed angry-typing. They got home a few minutes ago. I’d like to go back to my own room again but The Dandy is there and I don’t know how to not be angry at him right  now. If he were to apologize, I’d probably melt immediately and be okay. But he’s not much of an apologizer. And then I wonder if I should apologize – I did lose my temper pretty  hard, after all – but I only lost it after months of feeling like nobody here goddamned listens to me, so maybe he needed to get yelled at. I’ve been saying forever now that I need to feel kept in the loop about things – including household stuff like whether there will be food around or when people are getting home.

It’s somewhat mollifying that both of them got the fuck out when I told them I needed to be alone, and that they hurried up and did the thing I was pissed off at them not doing. And here again I feel like I was acting like a prima donna, kicking people out of their own home or whatever, but then again The Dandy and I have also done this for Dandette. And I really, really am not someone anybody wants to be around today.

In other news, maybe two months ago I booked a model gig that’s in the back of beyond. The gig is tomorrow. During the two months leading up to it I have asked The Dandy at least four times if he would mind very much driving me to the thing (and I’d get home on my own) in order to shave like an hour off my commute. I probably shouldn’t have even taken this job since it’s so bloody far away, but I did and I’m too chicken to cancel so it’s just a thing I need to deal with and then I won’t take any more work from the place. Anyway, every time I asked The Dandy if he would drive me, he said “maybe.” Including when I asked yesterday, and that’s driving me mad. Like either say yes and put it on your calendar as an official thing you’re doing, or tell me no. I bet you anything if I asked him right now, even, he still would say “maybe.” Like he’d expect me to wake up tomorrow early enough to commute by transit and then check with him then about driving me and he’d see if he felt like it. THAT DOESN’T HELP ME. The point of getting a drive was to be able to sleep longer.

One more thing before I go: I also don’t feel listened to with regards to sleep. I have told both of them that my entire life is a struggle to get enough sleep. I have said in no uncertain terms that it’s hard for me to get to sleep and that I am the lightest sleeper ever. And yet these stupid fuckers consistently have conversations right outside the bedroom at normal volume after I’ve gone to bed, or even yell across the apartment to each other. Or else they come into the bedroom to get stuff while I’m trying to sleep and don’t particularly try to be quiet about it. On numerous occasions I’ve been lying down in the bedroom during the early evening, trying to nap, and The Dandy is quietly internetting (which is fine) and Dandette comes in for whatever reason and they end up having a little conversation about how I’m asleep. NO I’M NOT. I’m just lying here with my eyes closed. That’s always what I’m doing when I appear to be asleep. Shut up and fuck off.

And like I know it’s often daytime when that happens, so maybe it’s unfair to expect people to tiptoe around, but given that I have expressly said that I never goddamned sleep well and I need to nap whenever the opportunity presents itself or else I will go absolutely batshit crazy, it seems like there are extenuating circumstances here. Plus, I mean, I’m in my bed, not the common areas of the apartment – I’d never expect to fall asleep on the couch and have anyone tiptoe. But one would hope that if I’m in bed trying to sleep, regardless what time of day, Dandette would walk in, see me lying in bed with my eyes shut, and not have a conversation right next to me. Or that The Dandy would point out that I was trying to sleep, and quietly leave the room to talk to Dandette in the living room.

And I keep telling myself that having my own room will make everything better, but will it? Or will Dandette just come busting into my room, chattering away while fetching something she wants to borrow?

Do these fuckers have any sense of boundaries at all?

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Some nicer sex stories

I’m in the habit of sardonically asking “are you flirting with me?” any time The Dandy bends to pick something up with his ass facing me, and at some other times when he’s accidentally doing something that might in theory turn me on.

We were having sex one time with me on top (I’m under the impression he used to like missionary position the best, but somehow I’ve got him preferring cowgirl position, which is a mixed blessing given how easily my thighs get tired but whatevs) and he flung his hands up by his head.. I’ve never, ever known a guy to do that without it being a hint that he wants to be pinned down. The Dandy identifies as dominant and has never expressed being into bottoming for restraints or rough play or anything like that, so I ignored his hands and kept on fucking him. But he kept them up there and it just seems like such a weird, unnatural position – not something a person would ever do by coincidence. He’s sometimes linked his hands together behind his head while we fuck, but never just had them loosely up next to his head like that. So finally I grinned and said “Are you flirting with me?” and grabbed/pinned his wrists. He let me do this (maybe he was tolerating it or maybe he liked it; I don’t know. His reactions are really subtle) until a few minutes later when he said it was too much weight on him so I stopped. It was a nice moment, though.

On another occasion I was riding him and he had a really, really good orgasm; climaxes of that calibre are not an every day thing for him so it’s a real treat to watch. Much more loud and sustained heavy breathing than usual, plus something about his face looks like he’s in free-fall – giddy and laughing and falling blissfully through the sky. Like literally he smiles and giggles during the orgasm. And he’s like The Pedant in that if I stop thrusting for a few seconds but then resume, it gives him a surprise extra continuation of the orgasm; he thinks it’s all done but then the second wave hits him. Super fun!

So he had one of those orgasms while I basically propped myself up on my arms and thrust slowly through to the end and just watched his face in awe, and I was in that vulnerable post-sex state where I’m a lot less guarded than usual, so after I rolled off him I said something like “Ohhh that moment where you go over the edge and just kind of free-float…your face is so fucking beautiful that I want to come over and over again until my body is completely destroyed.”

The Dandy turned his head away from me then, but I caught enough of a glimpse of his face to see that he was not turning away in disgust; he was hiding because my compliment had completely overwhelmed him and he didn’t know how to handle it.

And finally: last night The Dandy took a bath and for whatever reason I was feeling extra affectionate and attracted so I came in and asked if he needed help washing any hard-to-reach places. I really did come in there with the intent of washing him, if he wanted, as he’s washed my back and legs in the past. But when he grinned and said “Well, there is a place that could use some attention. It’s not hard for me to reach per se, buttttttt…?” that was fine, too.

So I soaped up my hand and stroked his cock with it and in very little time he had an orgasm – not quite one of his free-floating, giggling ones, but pretty close – kind of out of the blue. You have to understand that I’m very good at picking up subtle cues but he’s got almost nothing. When we’re lying in bed, I try to sense his impending orgasm by surreptitiously checking to see if he’s straightening his legs and pointing his toes, but the bathtub is too little for him to stretch out in so he couldn’t do that. So to me, one second I was flogging away at a totally passive Dandy, thinking “is he even enjoying this? Should I stop?” and the next second he’d launched over the edge and was doing that flurry of orgasm-breathing. Eventually the spasms died down and he opened his eyes and we both realized that I was staring fixedly at his face and we both got a bit embarrassed and glanced away. But gosh, he’s beautiful when he comes.

 

 

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But here’s a good thing.

On the Night of the Terrible Things I was really not wanting to live here anymore. As usual I suppose I projected that feeling onto The Dandy and started feeling insecure about whether he wanted me here. And, I mean, arguably my presence in his life does stir up a bunch of shit with Dandette and his life would be simpler with me gone.

I asked him if he wanted me to keep living here. He said “yes, but if you want to live elsewhere I’d understand.” That was comforting for about two minutes but then it began to strike me as kind of…like, if he didn’t want me here but didn’t want to offend me by saying so, wouldn’t that be just exactly the right thing to say? To make it clear that I could leave and he wouldn’t be mad?

If I could just magically be living somewhere else (or if Dandette could) I’d wave that magic wand right now, no question. I mean, provided the new bachelor pad was secure and pest-free and reasonably soundproof and all that. But realistically, I can’t afford to live on my own and would have tremendous trouble qualifying for an apartment with my weird unstable freelance job. So I need to make this work. And I do love The Dandy. I might even still love Dandette, though she’s damaged my trust pretty hard so my feelings are kind of up in the air there. When things are good here, they are very good. So I want to work things out, too.

So I asked The Dandy “If I wanted to stay, but only on condition that we get therapy – all of us, together and probably separately as well – would you be willing to do that? Understanding that I can’t really afford to chip in so you’d have to foot the bill.”

The Dandy thought about it and said yes, if he can afford it.* That’s pretty huge, for him. A few months ago he dodged around all over the place to avoid the idea of getting therapy because he felt that seeing a therapist means you’re failing at life.

I’m not going to press for anything yet (mostly because I’m not up to the task of vetting a therapist for us right now and I know The Dandy won’t ever do that on his own; I’ll have to present him with options or – most likely – just make an appointment and tell him to show up, or else therapy simply won’t happen). But it’s good to know it could happen.

 

*The temptation to snap “Oh for fuck’s sake just do without new shoes for a while” was strong, but I resisted. Seriously, though, dude makes almost six figures and in the five-ish months that I’ve been living here he’s bought a sword ($1600), a dagger (can’t remember how much; a few hundred bucks, at least), and at least three pairs of shoes, one of them a custom pair for almost a thousand dollars (I think the rest were over $500 but I could be wrong). Oh and he bought a fancy fountain pen off someone for like a hundred bucks. And he never brings a lunch to work – he buys lunch in restaurants every single day. And orders us dinner once every week or two. Every time he whines about not being able to afford something (always a thing that would benefit our household, our relationship, or Dandette’s physical or mental health, btw, never another pair of shoes – he always somehow finds money for shoes) I want to slap him.

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