Boyfriendish – Dandette’s…ambiguous friend/dating person who is now definitely no longer dating her – came over for a visit the other night, by his own request.
I believe that he and The Dandy had run in the same social circle for a while, years before either of them knew Dandette, and then when Boyfriendish and Dandette hooked up and she told The Dandy about it he was like “Oh! Ha! I used to know that guy!” and of course sometimes Dandette would have Boyfriendish over and The Dandy was around and they’d talk some. And Boyfriendish and The Dandy did go out for drinks after Dandette’s exodus to kind of talk that over so Boyfriendish could separate fact from Dandette’s specific brand of fiction. But I thought that was the extent of any kind of friendship there. So when Boyfriendish asked if we wanted to hang out, I was surprised. Was this an interest in being actual friends rather than just acquaintances connected via Dandette, or was he looking to process Dandette-related trauma with people who get it?
For the first couple hours he was here, we talked about just stuff in general. But when Dandette’s name eventually did come up, it’s like the floodgates opened – first for Boyfriendish and then we followed suit.
I’m getting an even creepier picture of Dandette now than before. Boyfriendish says that Dandette recently visited the guy who lives next door to us (I know that part to be true) and reported back to Boyfriendish: “Neighbour says he hears Cowgirl and The Dandy having screaming fights all the time. I bet they’ll break up and he’ll beg to take me back. I’ll end up living there again – you’ll see!”
The Dandy and I don’t have screaming fights all the time. Or, like, ever – unless you count my low blood-sugar rage that one time, and that was just a brief tantrum on my side only. And I rather suspect that the neighbour never claimed we did fight; Dandette’s story sounds entirely contrived and creepy and delusional. There is a couple near us who has screaming fights (sounds like it’s coming from above us somewhere) and I wonder if the neighbour said something about that and Dandette chose to assume it must be us. I mean surely we’d fall to pieces without her occasional lacklustre housework efforts, right? We never fought when she was living with us but that’s gotta be because she was the glue holding the household together.
But here’s a thing that bugged me: Boyfriendish said “I don’t know if you know this, but Dandette referred to the two of you as being her partners when you all lived together” – like, clearly believing that this was another delusion of hers – and The Dandy didn’t correct him. I figured The Dandy must have his reasons for not saying anything, so I didn’t clarify anything, either. But it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Dandette is all kinds of fucked in the head and it would be easy to make up all kinds of stuff to add to the pile of red flags; people would believe it, and maybe even she would become confused if confronted about it because she seems to struggle with knowing what’s real. I don’t want to do that to her. There’s enough shit she actually did that we don’t need to invent any.
Later, I asked The Dandy why he didn’t say anything when Boyfriendish said that thing about Dandette being deluded that we were partners.* He hesitated and said “Did she and I ever get back together, though? Or did she just assume it?” And at the time I was like “Ha! OMG good point” because she did just assume it. What actually happened was that I basically said “Hey, theoretically speaking, if you and The Dandy were to get back together and he dated me, too, how would you handle it if he wasn’t in the mood for sex, or wanted it with me and not you? Because I know you have a history of using sex for validation.” She never did answer the fucking question, but a few days later I overheard her telling someone on the phone that she and The Dandy were back together.
So she did assume. BUT. She also repeatedly referred to herself as The Dandy’s girlfriend, and to him as having two girlfriends, right to his face a thousand times without him saying anything to correct her. They had sex. We openly talked about all getting commitment rings for each other. We all came out to our parents about our living situation. The Dandy really can’t take the tack that Dandette was mistaken about our arrangement. So again I’m wondering why he didn’t say anything to Boyfriendish to correct his misunderstanding of things.
Anyway, I say it was a confusing visit because I was hearing things about Dandette from these two different perspectives – and I had my own – and usually we were all kind of on the same page but sometimes we weren’t.
And the thing is, The Dandy did lie to me, once, when he failed to inform me that he and Dandette were having sex again. Dandette was the one who told me they’d been fucking while he and I were broken up and that he’d dumped her again shortly after (but not right after) I came back into the picture. And when I confronted The Dandy about this, it turned out to be true. Honestly if that hadn’t happened I think things would have gone very, very differently with the three of us. I’d seen red flags in Dandette and distrusted her and wanted her out of The Dandy’s apartment and life. But I’m guessing she realized this and embarked on a manipulation campaign to be super nice to me and gain my trust so she wouldn’t lose her meal ticket, and by fortuitous accident The Dandy had violated my trust, which shifted my loyalties considerably. Suddenly she looked like the good one and he looked…not so great. And it made me question everything that had gone before.
So The Dandy lied to me by omission that time, and then The Dandy lied by omission to Boyfriendish the other night by not saying “Oh, we did get back together; that was real.”
So like, Boyfriendish said to The Dandy “Dandette says she’s been texting you a bunch, asking when she can get the rest of her stuff back, and you haven’t replied.”
My automatic reaction – I guess because The Dandy has that small history of lying to me and because he tends to hide from shit he doesn’t want to deal with – was to say to The Dandy “I didn’t know that! You gave me the impression she wasn’t saying anything to you about getting her stuff and that we’d have to push the issue.”
The Dandy said “She sent me one text, and it was about returning some stuff of ours that she took by accident. But yeah, I haven’t responded.”
And I thought shit, that’s right, Dandette tends to spin her own version of things. It’s totally possible that she hasn’t been asking about her stuff but she’s telling Boyfriendish that she did in order to make us look bad. But is that really what’s happening? Or is The Dandy lying?
Boyfriendish, meanwhile, is telling us that he never, ever told Dandette that the two of them were boyfriend/girlfriend – that if she ever thought that, it’s because she made it up herself. And…maybe? But they were hanging out and having sex. They were going on LARP weekends together and sleeping in the same bed. He emotionally supported and comforted her through her mental crises of various kinds. Perhaps he never thought of them as dating, but it sure sounds like they did dating-type things (unless Dandette was even lying about that…) so if she was under the impression they were an item, I don’t actually think that’s so crazy.
We got to talking about the sexual assault and Dandette’s general need to have everyone she knows fuck her in order to confirm her value as a human being. Boyfriendish mentioned that the time he came over and Dandette ended up getting drunk, she went into “fuck me fuck me fuck me” mode and he had to be like “whoa, back off, we’re not doing this.” But I was there that day and once Boyfriendish left I asked Dandette if she’d had a nice time with him and she smugly said “I got my cunt rubbed.”
Boyfriendish, as I have mentioned, is poly. He’s married and up until recently he had a long-term girlfriend, as well – the girlfriend broke up with him, though, because she felt threatened by how close he and Dandette were getting. Well, no, not exactly. She felt threatened by how close he and Dandette were getting and told him to please back off her a bit but he didn’t do it (they did ease off on sexual stuff, but apparently that was Dandette’s idea – both Dandette and Boyfriendish’s now-ex girlfriend corroborate this). Then when Dandette left our apartment forevaaaaaar, she went to Boyfriendish’s place for refuge and he didn’t tell the gf immediately. When she found out, that’s what triggered her to break up with him.
I know most of this because I friended the gf on FB and we compared notes about Dandette, like, a bunch. One thing she said about Boyfriendish is that he has a hard time saying no.
So did Boyfriendish get all affronted by Dandette’s drunken come-ons that time and ward her off? Or did he give her a hand job to shut her up? Or give her a hand job because he wanted to, even, and his interest overrode the fact that his gf wouldn’t have wanted him to? Did the “cunt rubbing” happen only in Dandette’s mind, and if so, was it a deliberate lie she told me or is it a thing she’s choosing to actually believe?
Dandette legitimately does seem to rewrite history with her own special spin on it. But The Dandy and Boyfriendish both have a vested interest in pretending that they saw her red flags the whole time and didn’t get sucked in that much. So whose perspective do I trust?
Anyway, in happier news, although Boyfriendish seems pretty done being friends with Dandette, he says he’d willing to help her get the rest of her stuff out of here or to act as a sort of intermediary in the negotiations that will probably have to happen re: the general severing of her from our household. So that’s cool.
*Arguably, she and I were not partners, only she and The Dandy. We didn’t date, we didn’t fuck. But we did expressly agree – at one point before shit hit the fan, when I thought she was a more stable and good person – to be platonic lifemate-type people. I told her once that even though she and I weren’t fucking, I still kind of thought of us as a triad. It’s not crazy of her to talk about us both as partners.