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In fairness

Ever since I pointed out to The Dandy that he seems to ignore me during sex, he’s started touching me more during intercourse and occasionally opening his eyes and looking at me. And when it’s my turn to come he manages to do the basic dildo-thrusting I ask of him for the whole five minutes I require without entirely losing the thread of what’s going on and forgetting to move his hand.

It’s not like he doesn’t listen to me or try at all.

But I’m resigning myself to the idea that sex with him is probably never going to elicit the level of desirability and connection that I want to feel. I think The Dandy would have to do things too far out of his comfort zone (or laziness zone?) to make that happen.

And I’m pretty okay with that, as long as he does the bare minimum of acting like he’s present during sex (or acting like I am? I’m not actually sure which of us he’s pretending is gone. Maybe both.) and seeming as though he likes getting me off.

I think I’m a little bit binary when it comes to sex. Like, I could compartmentalize The Dandy as Not For Fucking and pretty quickly lose my attraction to him and be fine with never having sex with him again. But if I place him under We Have Sex, I’ll want lots of sex. Or at least, y’know…more than we’re having now. I suppose “lots” is a subjective term.

But he seems like he maaaaybe kinda wants to have sex with me sometimes, still? And it’s important to me that he’s satisfied in our relationship because he is largely responsible for my livelihood right now (in that he subsidizes my food and rent and I don’t think I could afford to live in this city otherwise). So I keep him in the “sex” category because if I put him in the “no sex” one and he then wants to fuck me, I’m gonna feel like I should do it in order to keep a roof over my head, but it will feel wrong as shit. Wrong like fucking a sibling feels wrong, maybe (but I can’t say for sure because I don’t have any).

So I’m kind of in limbo.

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The creeping dread

I know The Dandy says his lower sex drive is a work-stress thing, but I can’t shake the feeling that it’s not.

His first instinct with relationship issues is to deflect/suppress because his last two exes didn’t respond to criticism well (understatement; Dandette sometimes threatened suicide and the ex-wife before her sometimes started punching him and he had to tackle her and pin her down until she calmed the fuck down). But I thought maybe if I openly invited feedback, he might feel safe enough to give it.

The other night at dinner I said “I’ve been living here about a year now. Maybe it’s time for a performance review.”

“Am I gonna get a raise?” The Dandy joked.

“No, see, you were already living here. I’m the new one. So I was talking about reviewing me. How’m I doing in this relationship? Any areas that could use improvement?”

The Dandy said “no complaints” and his facial expression…I wanna say he was smiling bashfully, like slightly awkward at being put on the spot but also pleased that I would think to check in with him. But maybe it was a smile of pure “Ohhh shit she’s putting me on the spot, QUICK ACT LIKE EVERYTHING’S OKAY.”

I don’t know.

Hell, maybe he’s not keeping anything from me. Maybe he has issues with me and resentments toward me but he’s repressed them so hard that he doesn’t even know it.

Or maybe there’s really nothing.

But I’m gonna be pissed if he tells me a few months or years down the road that he totally did lose interest in sex with me because of some relationship issue.

There’s another possibility, maybe.

I’m wondering if the drop in sex drive is a health issue and The Dandy either doesn’t realize it, or is afraid to investigate it. His father died of prostate cancer a few years back.

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Desire

I seem to consistently end up with people who expect that it’s my place to make them feel desired and not vice-versa. Or they get insecure and need reassurance but they don’t realize I sometimes need it, too. Or they confuse desiring my “services” with desiring me. Or something.

When Minx’s and my sex life dropped off, I was quite clear that I felt the lack and wanted more action and also to feel more desired. One night she proposed we meet in the bedroom at a certain time and see where it led, nudge-nudge wink-wink. So we convened in bed and she immediately turned her back on me to get spooned. How exactly is her passively waiting for me to lavish attention on her supposed to make me feel desired?

The first time The Bunny had erectile issues with me, he texted me that night fishing for compliments. Buddy, I eye-fuck you and give you compliments constantly. You don’t really do that for me, and now you can’t get it up for me, so hey here’s a crazy thought MAYBE I’M THE ONE WHO NEEDS THE COMPLIMENTS RIGHT NOW.

The Pedant’s idea of sexting has generally been along the lines of “Pretty soon you get to touch my dick and it’ll be awesome” although in person he’ll sometimes tell me he loves how I feel/look/etc.

The Dandy usually initiates sex by showing me that his cock is hard (that’s how things happened the other night: we were sitting around talking – not even about anything sexy, I don’t think – and he randomly got a boner that he took out of the fly of his pajamas and waved at me while smirking). Which…I mean, I find his penis extraordinarily aesthetically pleasing and have told him so, and I guess the dick-waving is meant to excite me into a flurry of lust, but to me it comes off like I’m a cab he’s trying to hail. With his dick. “Hellooooo? My appendage is raised. That means you come here and give me a ride now.” Kinda presumptuous when aimed at a partner.

And seriously, as much as I like looking at and touching The Dandy’s penis (and I sincerely do), stimulating him is not an instant “OMG LET’S FUCK” level of turn-on for me. For me to get turned on and ready for sex I need him to stimulate me. (Even when I’m the one initiating the sex I tend to need a bit of touching, these days, to help my body catch up to my mind. I don’t get aroused at the slightest breeze like I did when I was younger.) And this never seems to occur to him.

So I feel like this is basically a repeat of the same old pattern. I tell The Dandy that the lack of sexual activity* is making me feel undesired, and the first time he gets a boner after that, he presents it to me like “Here you go – now you can do sex things to me. Problem solved!”

No, Dandy. You coming at me with a boner that doesn’t seem motivated by anything about me, and proudly displaying it for me to stimulate, does not make me feel desired.

Your responding to a direct request for sex with “I think I can do that” and apparently willing yourself into a boner out of pure sense of duty, then lying on your back with your eyes closed waiting for me to stimulate it, does not make me feel desired.

I don’t know if these things seem like expressions of desire to him or if he’s forgotten that particular part of my complaint and is focusing purely on “woman unhappy; must give her MOAR SEX” but yeeeah this isn’t really working for me.

On a related note, The Dandy (like The Bunny and Minx before him) has gotten in the habit of doing little things to tease me/turn me on. He knows I love his junk, so sometimes he’ll randomly hook the waistband of his pajamas underneath it and jiggle it at me. Last night as I was going to bed he appeared naked in my doorway, gave a coquettish full-body shimmy, then grinned and left again.

On one hand, these actions make me feel at least a little bit connected to him and reassure me that the relationship is still okay (we had a while where there was a sexual dry spell and he entirely stopped showing off for me, and that was terrifying indeed). He is catering to my turn-ons, which is nice. He cares about me finding him attractive.

On the other hand, it’s like are you fucking kidding me right now?! I’ve made my desire for him perfectly clear, I’ve said I don’t feel desired in return, and his response is to fish for even more compliments from me? I tell him I want more sex and his response is not to fuck me more often but to be like “oh hai! Let me taunt you with this thing you want that I have no interest in giving you!” That’s just plain insensitive.

And I’m pretty sure if I ignored The Dandy’s peacocking he’d be devastated, so even though I’ve been mired in self-doubt and undesirability and feeling disconnected from The Dandy and from sex most of the time lately, when he shakes his junk at me I still force myself to fake some oooohs and ahhhhs. Because if he ends up feeling like I’ve lost desire for him, too, that’s one pillar of the relationship entirely gone** and I worry the whole thing will just collapse.

This thing where men (and people who grew up thinking they were male even if they later realized they aren’t) demand attention and desire and don’t give it back, is that a common thing, an entitlement issue because patriarchy? Or am I just attracting a very specific kind of person?

 

*of any kind; I specifically mentioned that one of my issues is that he never initiates getting me off and I feel like he doesn’t care about my pleasure.

**I think in any romantic relationship between allosexuals the sex plays an important part, but also, every single time I’ve had an insecure patch and asked The Dandy to tell me a thing he likes about me, he says “the sex.” Not my sense of humour, not my introspectiveness, not that I keep us stocked up on chocolate, not that I make cool art, nothing actually about me. Just the fact that I fuck him (or perhaps that I fuck him very well). So you can’t blame me for feeling like sex is really important to The Dandy and that if we’re not having it he might not see the point of me anymore.

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Moar sex

The Dandy and I had sex a night or two ago.

I’m just keeping track here so that if it seems like we never fuck anymore, I can look shit up and confirm whether or not this is in fact true or if it’s AnxietyBrain messing with me. And also maybe I can correlate any sudden dropoff with events that happened around the same time.

If my calculations are correct, lately we’ve been doin’ it once every five days or so. Which is less than we used to, but not as dismal as I’d previously imagined.

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Twinsies! :P

Seems like every time I see The Pedant, he vents to me about his live-in gf, Raver Chick. He seems to have some ongoing annoyances with her.

Also, as I’ve mentioned before, The Pedant seems to have suddenly stepped up his game with me emotionally – telling me I satisfy him like nobody else(!), dropping I-love-yous all over the place, etc. He even wistfully told me once that he could just as easily have moved in with me if I didn’t have cats (which he’s allergic to).

I haven’t told The Pedant about my little schism with The Dandy where I realized he’s never gonna give me some of the stuff I want. And I won’t tell him, probably, because the two of them are friends and it would be weird. I also have no plans to directly ask The Pedant if he’s disenchanted with Raver Chick but trying to work through it because he has nowhere else to live. But I suspect that the two of us are in fact going through roughly parallel things.

And I guess I also suspect that The Pedant is being all dewy-eyed over me lately because the grass is always greener on the other side, not because he thinks I’m inherently awesome. He had years to figure that out before Raver Chick came along, after all. I’m pretty sure this is a “Cowgirl doesn’t do this irritating thing that Raver Chick does! *Dreamy sigh*” kinda thing.

I mean…I guess that can still be a valid thing. The Pedant hasn’t had a ton of long term relationships so maybe it took moving in with Raver Chick for him to fully appreciate how lucky he’s been to have me all this time. Maybe it’s not that I only look good next to Raver Chick and if he meets some shiny new partner I’ll get back-burnered.

I’m glad The Pedant seems to be prioritizing me more highly than he used to. For a long time, any plans he made with me felt a little iffy, like if Raver Chick (or before her, OtherGirl) suddenly decided she wanted his company, he’d bail on me. He holds our plans firm, now. And he sees me more often than he used to.

But I find I can’t relax and enjoy all his mushy hyperbole – not really. Because I’m not sure I believe it fully. Does he love me, or does he love that I’m not Raver Chick?

He tells me all the time that he loves me, now. I say the words back, but I feel nothing. The Pedant is still the same person I’ve loved for the past five years or more, and if anything our relationship has gotten more fulfilling since my feelings kicked in, so I’m guessing this is my old defense mechanism in action: my heart going numb so that if The Pedant suddenly yoinks all this unexpected love of his away, it won’t hurt so much.

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Well, that’s out of the way.

I realized a while back that The Pedant always asks me to do a huge list of shit in preparation for our get-togethers, and all I’ve asked him to do is show up when he says he will and he hasn’t done that. Well actually one time I was more specific and asked him to pack a bag the night before so he won’t end up late because he can’t find his keys/spare underwear/whatever. He outright told me that packing a knapsack for the next day is a thing he associates with his job, so he’d resent doing it before a day off. Wow. Okay.

And then to top it all off, if I don’t get his giant list of stuff done, he’ll point out what I didn’t do and act confused/bemused, like it’s just so weird that I didn’t do it and he can’t imagine why not. Like, last time around, he wanted me to charge the vibrating cock ring we have so it was ready to be used on him, and I forgot or maybe just didn’t bother (the vibration isn’t nearly enough to stimulate me and I didn’t realize it stimulates him until he told me on this recent visit). And he suggested I use the ring on him and asked if it was charged and I said “Oh, no, sorry” and he was like “You didn’t charge it?!” all incredulous n shit.

This is all making me feel resentful. And now is not the ideal time to mention it, since he actually was more-or-less on time the past two visits, but he kind of drove the conversation in that general direction so fuck it. Here’s our text conversation:

Me: You, my love, are eye candy of the highest order. I don’t think there’s a single part of you I haven’t fetishized to one extent or another.

Pedant: Does that mean you’ll have the ring charged the next time I come over?

Me: That segue was a bit contrived but yes, if I can find the cord (and I’m pretty sure I know where it is) I’ll charge it.

Pedant: Another segue: they’ve changed my days off from the 12th and 13th to the 13th and 14th [this affects some plans we made].

Me: Mini-rant: are you aware that you generally give me eighty things to do to prepare for your visits (and then act sort of bemused when I don’t get every single one done) and the only thing I’ve asked you to do was pack your back the night before so you’ll be on time and you refused to do even that? It frustrates me.

Pedant: Fair point. I will make sure to pack for my visits in advance going forward.

Me: [thumbs-up emoticon] And the reason I don’t always have everything on your giant to-do list completed (aside from severe executive dysfunction) is that sitting there with everything all finished for the time you said you’d be there but then ending up waiting several hours for you to arrive is the worst and saddest feeling in the world.

Still me: Like…the literal saddest.

Also me: So: I try to politely ignore your lateness to whatever extent I’m able, since I suspect it’s also an executive dysfunction thing and yelling about it will only make you feel bad. But I henceforth expect you to politely roll with it when shit’s not done instead of going “you didn’t clean/charge/organize/pack the thing?!” with your eyebrow raised.

Pedant: fair enough.

Me: Excellent. Good talk. Ok so what am I changing on my calendar? are you coming on the 13th? The evening of the 12th?

Pedant: I can come on the evening of the 12th and stay until the evening of the 13th.

Me: Lovely. Cord found; ring charging.

Pedant: I’m looking forward to your using it to keep me hard while you concern yourself with your own pleasure.

 

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Domination

The Pedant often suggests things for us to do together in bed. Like even in the heat of the moment he’ll suggest things. And it irks me, although it probably shouldn’t.

I’m the dominant; I’m in charge. His suggestions don’t change any of this; I can and have replied to a suggestion of his with “No, we’re gonna do this other thing” and he’s never complained. And anyway I want him to tell me what he likes. Beyond the whole thing where we both should feel fulfilled in our relationship, there’s the fact that I’m a reaction junkie and my goal when we play is generally to get him to be as loud and abandoned as I possibly can. I need his feedback for this.

The problem – the petty, petty problem – is that his suggestions are often what I was going to do anyway, or else I had no specific plan and his idea seemed as good as any. And it irks me that to an outside observer it would look as though I was doing what The Pedant told me to.

It’s like when I was a kid and I got in an argument with some girl on the playground, and when I finally got fed up and stormed off she made a point of yelling “YEAH! YOU’D BETTER RUN!” loud enough for the whole neighbourhood to hear. It made me wonder if anyone watching genuinely believed I was leaving because she’d told me to. It made me wonder if she believed I was leaving because she’d told me to.

Anyway, on this most recent visit we were getting all hot and heavy and The Pedant said “I’d like to get you off first so I can really focus on you. If you’d like to get your toy, I’ll suck on it; I know how you love to watch that.”

So I did and he did. And I am absolutely dazzled by how far our relationship has come, because years ago I broached the topic of him sucking my dildo and he absolutely recoiled. It’s not even a realistic dildo*; it’s purple and smooth, just a piece of silicone formed into a cylinder with a slight knob on one end and a flare on the other. It would be as random and benign as him having a drinking straw or a stick of celery in his mouth. But he acted as though he would catch Teh Ghey, so I backed down.

And then one day he offered to use his mouth to wet the dildo before inserting it (and I’m a bit grossed out by the idea of saliva being all up in my business but I said yes because I wanted to see him do it). And now on his most recent visit he offered to put on a show for me and I held the base of the dildo on my pubic bone as if it were my own dick and he pumped it in and out of his mouth a few times and then lovingly wrapped his lips around the head while making full eye contact with me before sliding down the shaft again OMG.

And it would turn me on even more to ask him “do you like sucking my cock?” or to tell him he’s my good little cocksucking slut but I’m afraid this will scare him off. I gotta hold still, metaphorically speaking, and let him come to me, like a squirrel I’m trying to feed from my hand. If I move too quickly, he’ll bolt. And he’s never referred to my dildo as anything but a “toy” – never a dick or a cock or even a dildo – so I think that speaks to where his head is at right now.

I wonder if he wants to feel like my shameless little slut, ultimately? Is that the end game, here, and it’s just taking him a while to get past all his toxic masculinity stuff and embrace it? Or is the faux-llatio simply coming from a place of wanting to please me and he wouldn’t kink on being told what an insatiable cocksucker he is for me, particularly? I assume the nature of his dirty talk will keep me clued in. When we first started fucking, he would request to be tied up but that was the extent of anything. Once he got more comfortable with me he started dirty-talking and “I love being your slave like this” kept coming up. Lately he’s been hitting the idea that I can “seduce him” into acts he’d never imagined before pretty hard. Perhaps the next step will be to name the outrageous acts; to marvel at the extremities I’ve taken him to. We’ll see.

 

*Even if it did look like a dick, it’s not one. It’s odourless, flavourless silicone. So who even cares? Would The Pedant refuse to eat a cake decorated to look like a house because he’s grossed out by the idea of having drywall and bricks in his mouth?

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