By the way, a friend of The Dandy’s family died recently and the funeral was the day before our scheduled Thanksgiving ‘do so he drove out to his mom’s place on Friday night, did the funeral on Saturday, and drove his mom back here with him for Sunday afternoon so we could do the food thing.
As you know if you’ve been reading this blog a while, I’ve been having doubts about my relationship with The Dandy lately. I’ve been feeling not-so-into him and it seemed pretty mutual.
But my guess is that it really is the near-constant together-time that’s been harshing his buzz (and maybe mine, too) because when arrived here again with his mom, I was suddenly attracted to him again – he came through the door and all his pretty just whapped me full in the face. During a private moment I briefly cupped his junk and said “I want a piece of this later.” At the time he did his awkward chuckle thing and I thought “Well fuck, I guess he’s not into it” but we did indeed have sex later – even though his mom had stayed over in Dandette’s room. God, I envy The Dandy’s ability to come so silently. Meanwhile I knew that I’d have to go wanting because I require the Hitachi to get off and that fucker sounds like a jet engine. But I decided to make the sacrifice. I did tell The Dandy I wanted him to make it up to me the next day (and explicitly added “…By Hitachi-ing me until you have to peel me off the ceiling” and he said okay).
So, I straddled The Dandy, figuring we’d just start fucking pretty much from a cold start as usual (well, cold for me – I’d been sucking his cock before then). But before I could get a condom out, he started stroking my breasts. Lightly and with focus, not halfassedly rubbing his hand back and forth on my skin. His fingertips moved around my ribcage and up my back and my eyes were pretty much rolling back in my head. Of course he gives me foreplay during the one sexual encounter where he knows I can’t come… *facepalm.*
Every time I managed to open my eyes between little moments of ecstasy, The Dandy was looking at me. Not staring off into space or lying there with his eyes closed like he normally does. He was fully engaged with watching my reactions, and I swear he even had that starstruck look that men have given me when they’re mesmerized by how beautiful they think I am. I was giving it right back because good lord did he look good to me in that moment. “You’re so pretty,” I murmured.
I didn’t say it to hear it back, but after a few seconds The Dandy gave a little twitch, as though goosed by the idea that he needed to respond in kind, and said “So are you. Or at least, I like looking at you.” It’s…odd that he modified his compliment like that. I kind of wanted to know what he meant by that. But I decided not to pursue it because hey, he had that starstruck look on his face and that’s all I really wanted. I don’t care if he thinks I legit look like a supermodel or if he thinks I’m average-looking but his feelings for me make me look hot; I only care that he gives me that look where he seems absolutely entranced by my face. It’s been a while since anyone’s given me that; unsure if bad partner selection or if there are just flat-out fewer men who find me attractive now that I’m middle-aged.
So I responded to his at-least-I-like-looking-at-you with “Nothing else matters.”
I got a front-row seat on his orgasm, which looked like a good one and began really abruptly, without the four or five deep breaths that would usually precede it. One minute I was thrusting away while he lay under me dead silent and the next he was orgasm-breathing and throwing his head back with just the most ecstatic expression. And giggling – when he has a good orgasm, he always gets the giggles, kinda like me. And afterward we talked and laughed til late into the night in a way we haven’t in ages, and he petted me some more – adeptly. So…maybe he does know how I like to be touched. His default setting is to rub my skin instead of giving the slight, tickly touch that I like, and I always, always have to say “lighter” several times and usually he still doesn’t change it. I’ve wondered whether this is just another area where he started off aiming to impress but then took me for granted and stopped trying; when we were first dating, he did touch me lightly, and focused on my reactions and revisited the areas that made me moan the hardest and stuff. Only once I was firmly emotionally invested did I start having to ask to be touched and he’d just plunk his hand on me while staring off into the middle distance and not paying any attention to my reactions.
The next morning (ie a few hours ago) I woke up and looked over and The Dandy was sound asleep on his back, pitching an adorable tent under the sheet. Well actually at first I wasn’t sure if it was a fold or a trick of the eye or something so I gave it a little grope to be sure. This woke him up and I ended up fucking him again* (mentioning to him that the previous round had given me sex dreams all night because I was all backed up for orgasms, and reminding him that I was gonna really really want some attention from him once his mom was gone). It was fun. As he got close to coming he seemed to be whispering under his breath, his lips barely moving. I’ve heard him do this during sex before, come to think of it. I’m dying to know what he’s saying but I expect he has no idea he’s doing any of this so if I ask about it he’ll draw a blank.
We then showered and dressed and put in some obligatory hangout time with his mom, and then The Dandy drove her to the train station. Dandette went out for a cigarette during this time so I quick-fast relieved my tension with the Hitachi while I had the chance. I would have preferred to break that particular fast with The Dandy but I had a feeling that despite my slightly exaggerating how pent up and desperate I was (I was a bit pent up and I did have sex dreams all night because of not getting any release, but things weren’t at critical levels…yet) The Dandy would not arrive back home and go “Okay! Get in that bedroom ’cause I’m gonna rock your world!”
And indeed, I was right. When he got back he went straight to the living room to watch YouTube videos about swords. Seems kinda rude for him to do that when, as far as he knew, I was all backed up. He wouldn’t have known that Dandette went for a smoke while he was driving his mom home. And he knows that I don’t feel comfortable masturbating with Dandette within earshot (she was lounging in her bedroom which is right next to ours). I barely feel comfortable getting off with him when she’s within earshot. Which is one reason why I didn’t go grab him from the living room and be like “Yo, it’s time.” I didn’t want her to realize we’d sneakily had sex so close to his mom (twice!); I didn’t want her to feel like I was monopolizing The Dandy’s sexual attention; I didn’t want her to feel jealous and bitter that I was dragging him into the bedroom just for him to get me off when he hasn’t given her an orgasm since January. If he’d come in and volunteered his services (even with her right next door) I would have said yes, though.
Later, though, The Dandy happened to come into the bedroom to see what I was up to just as Dandette went out for a smoke. I pointedly said “Hey, sounds like we have the place to ourselves for the next ten minutes or so.” He said nothing (admittedly I didn’t wait super long) so I waggled my eyebrows until he caught my gist (if he hadn’t before). He smiled and nodded – a little limply, it seemed to me; not with much enthusiasm. Or maybe I’m just being paranoid. But he did get me off. He had that issue, again, with drifting the Hitachi away from my clit at key moments, so the process took substantially longer than it really needed to. Which is not the most horrifying thing ever except I’ve never really felt that The Dandy likes getting me off and I don’t want to sort of justify his boredom by taking a really long time. I could have come within seriously two minutes or less if he’d kept his movements consistent, but as it stood I took at least five. Afterward I once again stressed (tactfully, in a nonchalant tone) that it’s important to keep the Hitachi against the shaft of my clit and not drift off elsewhere. Once again he said that it’s just so harrrrrrrd. I am losing patience with this. We’ve recently switched from using the side of the (sort of barrel-shaped) head of the Hitachi on me to him kneeling between my legs and applying the flattened top surface to me; that way a lot more vibrating surface area is in contact with me, so there’s a lot more of a margin for error (vs using the rounded side where he’s contacting me with a much smaller area). But he still wanders up so high on my mons that all he’s vibrating is bone. And I don’t feel like I can sit him down and be like “Yeah no dude you need. To pay. ATTENTION” because he has a bunch of baggage from his exes yelling at him over not doing sexual stuff “right.”
Oh shit it just occurred to me: maybe his exes weren’t unduly mean to him, as I’ve been assuming. Maybe he kept halfassing things despite their continued polite encouragement and instructions and they finally got fed up, like I am.
On a side note: I love love love the idea of “using” a guy sexually, to a point where sometimes if a partner is trying to get me off and my body isn’t cooperating I’ll start thinking “this man exists only to give me pleasure. Nothing else about him is useful or relevant. His needs and personhood don’t matter” and KAPOWWWWWWWW.
But the guy has to want to be used. He needs to have that tangible vibe of wanting to be of service to me and of entering a focused, almost meditative state when he’s touching me. Noticing every little twitch and breath. Continually refining what he’s doing in search of more twitches, deeper breaths, moans, howls. If a guy doesn’t seem deeply into my pleasure like that, getting him to get me off feels more like a dental procedure or something. Clinical. I can’t get into my “you’re not even a person, just a thing I use to hold my vibrator” fantasy with The Dandy lately because I’m so certain he’s just Hitachi-ing me because I told him to.
I really, really need to find myself a man who wants to be my sex toy. Like, sincerely wants to do whatever I want and whatever works for me, and loves discovering my body and how it works.
But to acquire this, I really will need my own room.
I also want to be away from The Dandy more often so we have time to miss each other and maybe the sex will be good like it was last night. This, too, will require my own room.
God I hope a three-bedroom place opens up soon.
*Just noting for posterity: I was stroking his cock and then had to pee so I said “I’m going to go to the bathroom. When I get back, I want you scootched to the centre of the bed because reasons.” This is exactly the sort of thing I say to The Pedant when I’m topping/domming him – same tone and everything. And The Dandy took no objection to it whatsoever. Later, he was standing at the foot of the bed in his pajama pants and I indicated (as I often have) that I wanted him to display his cock for my admiration. I indicated this with a slightly bossy and dismissive “pants down now” hand gesture. He had no problem with that, either. It’s intriguing, the seemingly arbitrary things he bristles at because he feels bossed around and the other things I do that I would think would offend him, but don’t.