I had a whole whirlwind of fun this week – got food poisoning (or maybe the stomach flu?) and spent a day and two nights basically sweating, sleeping, and trying not to barf. Had to cancel a modelling shift (days and days of no work at all and I wake up pukey the one day I actually have somewhere to be) and postpone the appointment with the guy who’s doing my taxes.
The first day I felt sort of okay, The Bunny and I were scheduled to go to a play party. It may have been ill-advised for me to go to some strenuous play after not eating for 24+ hours, but I really really wanted to go. Plus I’d missed the last one we were supposed to go to due to not feeling well. And, oddly, I actually felt substantially better post-tummy-bug than I did the other time, when I had to cancel – and that time I wasn’t even sick, just really underslept. ‘Course this time around I’d slept for over 24 hours in a row, so…
The thought of hot food still made me queasy, and I had very little food in my fridge meant for serving cold. Sadly, in my weakened, post-sick state I kept postponing going to the grocery store and by the time I’d finally rallied myself, it was closed. I ate a small amount of cheese and hobbled slowly to the convenience store to buy an Ensure fortified drink. I think I ate a few raisins, too. Then I threw some clothespins, my paddle, and a bag with more cheese and raisins into a knapsack, put on a dress and some stockings (The Bunny being a hosiery aficionado) and headed out to the play party, rather surprised I could even function – usually I have to eat constantly or get all slow and wonky like a windup doll running down.
At the party, I gave the door lady my entry fee and The Bunny was like “Nope!” and grabbed it back again, slapping down his own money for both of us instead. D’awwww. :D I sorta wish he’d said “this is on me” ahead of time instead of making a huge show of intervening (he even saw me take the money out of my wallet ahead of time so I wouldn’t have to fumble for it!) but still. D’awww.
Once inside, we talked about what kind of scene to do. I told him I was pretty open to whatever – that I had clothespins and a paddle with me and wanted to use them, and that’s about it. And The Bunny was like “I was thinking if you tied my arms behind my back and then to one of the eyebolts in the ceiling, it would hurt if I tried to get away.” Lord have mercy. Makes me weak in the knees when he says things like that.
He also mentioned that he was currently dressed entirely in old clothes that could destroyed (since we both looooved it when I ripped/cut his boxers off that time). He’d brought a full head mask thingy with him, but when he tried it on for me the look of it inexplicably creeped me out and I said I’d prefer him without it. He said okay but he’d appreciate it if I at least made a blindfold from his shirt once I cut it off him. I asked if he’d brought the mask specifically because he didn’t want to be able to see; I can’t remember what he said. Something that didn’t specifically answer my question.
My impression is that The Bunny is a budding exhibitionist* and kind of shy – like he loves the idea of displaying his naked body to an adoring crowd, but is afraid that in practice, the crowd won’t react with much adoration. So he wanted to be stripped naked but not be able to see how, or whether, people were looking at him. Fair enough.
Still in our little unobtrusive corner, The Bunny showed me how to tie his arms using rope he’d brought. First he tied his own legs together in the way he was talking about, then he had me do it (so that his hands were free and he could help or correct me as needed), then I tied his arms in front of him, then I untied them again and we found an attach point in the ceiling and he showed me how to anchor a rope to it, then I tied his ankles together and hoisted them up and anchored them to the ceiling to make sure I knew how. Then I felt reasonably confident in my ability to get him secured, so we took a more prominent spot and began to play in earnest.
By this time, a lot of people had arrived. Mostly, I think, they were ignoring the various people playing and were simply milling around socializing with each other. But this is only the impression I got in my peripheral vision; I couldn’t bear to really look around and possibly see for sure that someone was watching us.
Here’s the thing: I only came to this thing so I could take advantage of the space and equipment, and because I like watching other people play. I myself am not an exhibitionist. BDSM play seems almost painfully personal to me, actually, and I’m really uncomfortable with the idea of people watching me partake in it. Especially when it involves me doing something I don’t feel very adept at, like rope work.
Long story short, I tied The Bunny’s hands behind him, anchored them to the ceiling, shredded the shirt off his body using safety scissors and blindfolded him with a piece of it, yanked his pants down to his ankles**, ripped/cut his boxers off, and attached a number of clothespins to his cock and nipples. Then I took turns flicking/smacking the clothespins and paddling his ass and thighs for…probably forty-five minutes to an hour, overall. It’s hard to say. I’d frequently check in with him to make sure he was okay, and sometimes I’d kiss him a little bit or pet his cock a few times, but directly sexual stuff seemed even more personal to be doing in public and it kinda wigged me out so I kept it to a minimum. Also I felt like spending a lot of time on teasing/making out/etc. might have frustrated the other people present who might have wanted to use the attach point (or the spanking bench directly behind me) in the same way I used to get frustrated when I’d see people standing around drinking on the dance floor of a club, or using a piece of gym equipment as a chair. If a space is designated for specific activities, it’s only polite not to hog it up doing anything else, right? And it felt like this space was meant for things of a more violent or tying-up nature.
For someone who’s bragged before about being stoic, The Bunny made some pretty terrific sounds. I had him yelling. I’ve always been somewhat tentative with impact play in the past, but this time I decided to push the envelope – hit him hard a bunch of times in the exact same place and stuff. I did try to ramp things up slowly, though (that’s been my other problem in the past – I like to haul off and whack a guy out of the starting gate, but I’ve heard a person can usually take more pain overall if you start slowly). So yeah. Over the course of the scene, tapping became smacking became walloping became walloping repeatedly in exactly…the…same…spot. Well, four or five times. And then I’d mix it up a bit with other things.
I know it’s possible for me to become so focused in public that I completely forget there are people around - or at least stop caring. I was hoping this would happen with The Bunny during our scene, but it never really did. Maybe I can only lose myself like that in public when I’m being pleasured (or doing something that only involves me, like modelling), and not when I’m responsible for someone else. Or maybe I just had first-time jitters and this will get easier at subsequent play parties. Because I do intend to go to more of these things.
Finally, The Bunny said “Okay, red.” Not a scream of “RED!!!” when I was in the middle of hitting him, but a soft statement when I was taking a little hiatus to pet his hair and kiss him. So, I didn’t overwhelm him to a point where he was freaking out or anything (if I had, I would have considered it a failure on my part); he was making a calm and practical decision that it was probably time to stop. I took off his blindfold and he smiled at me and said “Mirror, mirror, on the wall – who’s the nakedest one of all?” (we were off to the side and he was facing a wall; even without the blindfold he couldn’t see much of what was going on). I surreptitiously looked around and determined that the nakedest person was him. A few women were wearing tiny little g-strings n shit, but nobody else was entirely naked at that point.
I untied The Bunny’s arms from the ceiling, guided him to his knees, undid the rest of the ropes. The dungeon has a fridge with bottled water in it, and The Bunny requested that I get him some, which I did.
After a brief rest, we gathered our stuff up and went to the lounge area. I sat on one of the couches and The Bunny knelt on the floor next to me, even though there was room on the couch beside me. He began purposefully undoing and removing my boots; I thought he was aiming to take off my stockings, which I’d unhooked and shoved down into my boots before our scene began because the tension around my thighs had been driving me batty. And he did remove my stockings and put them neatly in my knapsack…but his main purpose in taking my boots off was apparently to massage my feet.
And so I lounged on the couch while The Bunny knelt at my feet giving me a foot rub, and I felt like the queen of the entire fucking world.
In the past, he and I have debated as to whether he wants to sub to me or just bottom. We never came to a concrete answer on that one, but from what I’ve observed, the only time he’s really seemed to give up control is during relatively vanilla sexytimes. At those times, I can tell him what to do and he does it without ever questioning me. Once he asked me to loosen his ass up with my fingers for a bit instead of proceeding straight to using a dong, but that’s a self-preservation issue and as such I have no problem with it. He even asked in a very deferential way.
In a scene, The Bunny is full of suggestions, comments, and critiques. I never feel as though he’s letting himself go, ever. If he ever shuts up and lets me do shit to him without interjecting his opinion, I suspect it’s because I happen to be doing the things he was going to suggest anyway.
And he already told me that what appears to be service, with him, is not actually service: it’s him being a gentleman.
Somehow – more out of my own twisted “logic” than anything in reality, I think, although the fact that The Bunny doesn’t seem particularly submissive is a factor - I’d gotten it into my head that The Bunny would never want to appear to be deferring to me. I thought he wouldn’t want people to see us together and think that I might be the boss of him. The fact that we played publicly was pretty awesome proof to the contrary (even though, had anyone been close enough to hear him, they would have realized he was frequently trying to guide the scene and not really submitting much per se). His kneeling and rubbing my feet was even better.
We ended up sticking around for quite a while after our playing was done, watching others play or just lazing around while The Bunny caressed or massaged me. I began to feel extremely dazed and “out of it” – combo of my introvert self being exposed to far too many people and not having eaten a proper meal in days – but I didn’t mind quietly hanging around in the dungeon. I ate some of my cheese and raisins to try to perk myself up, in case it was just a blood sugar thing. Someone laid out some chopped-up veggies and The Bunny volunteered to go get me some, and also another water.
When it was time to go, The Bunny put my socks and boots on my feet for me. :D As we walked to the bus stop I got to talking about things I had seen and liked – “I wanna do impact play with a cane sometime! Ooooh, and I want to do puppy play like that one couple was doing!” and I guess The Bunny wasn’t personally interested in any of those things that so enthused me because he just kept smiling indulgently and saying “We’ll find you someone.” I kind of loved that. Loved that he’s clear about the stuff he doesn’t want to do, because it gives me confidence that he enjoys what we do do. Loved that he’s not threatened by me wanting things he won’t provide. Loved the implication that he’ll actually help me find people to play with.***
On the bus, he put his arm around me. I don’t think he’s ever done that before. Usually he seems nervous about initiating public affection with me, and expresses his urge to touch me through skittishly poking at me or starting a Laverne-and-Shirley-style slapping fight. Blatantly putting an arm around me was much, much nicer. :) I snuggled into him, and when I rested one of my hands on his thigh he put his other hand on top of it.
A young woman came onto the bus with a baseball cap that said POLICE across the front. The Bunny murmured “Look out! It’s the cops! I hope you haven’t committed a crime!”
I was going to make a cheesy response about stealing his heart, but then decided that might be presumptuous andso I flipped it around instead: “Maybe I should report you for stealing my heart!” The joke sounded awkward and stupid to me the second I said it – like I was reiterating my recent I-love-you and underlining the fact that he never said it back – but he acted perfectly normal. He rolled his eyes and made some remark about sending me to the PUNitentiary or something, and the arm that was around me didn’t suddenly go weirdly dead or anything.
The Bunny transferred buses with me even though he lives in the opposite direction, and went all the way to my stop with me, apparently just to be a gentleman. Possibly he was hoping I’d invite him to spend the night with me. The thought had occurred to me, and I probably would have said yes if he’d asked me outright, but the baby carrots he’d fed me at the play party weren’t sitting right, my apartment was a mess from me having languished in illness for a couple days, and honestly I didn’t think anything could top the amazingness of the play party and bus ride so it seemed best to quit while I was ahead.
So we had some lovely kisses goodnight and went our separate ways.
Addendum: we got to texting today about the events of the party, a little bit.
Bunny [without me having asked his opinion on my style of play whatsoever]: My only observation is you did not seem to invoke much pleasure/teasing.
Me: Like, mixing up sexual stuff with the painful stuff?
Bunny: Yup. Or even just touching a non sex organ. [This is not entirely fair. I did pet him and kiss him at least a little bit during the proceedings. I tried to make sure he felt connected to me and not like a sack of flour I was hitting] It boils down to fucking with someone’s expectations.
Me: I wanted to but that felt like SUCH private stuff to be doing in front of people. I’ve never done anything even CLOSE to any of that in public.
Bunny: Comes in many forms. Like just rubbing my thighs, pressing body to body. Doesn’t mean you do fun stuff to mah dick. [He must have thought I thought he was asking me to jerk him off or something. What I actually meant was that ANY form of teasing or sexy stuff felt kind of too intimate to be putting on display - that even the "public beating" part of the festivities was breaking brand new ground for me.]
Me: Plus I wondered if excessive sexual stuff would seem inappropriate or if people waiting for the attach point (or spanking bench behind me) would be thinking “why are you hogging the equipment if you’re just gonna make out?!?” and stuff.
Bunny: Well fuck them. [New message] A scene is a scene.
Me [beginning to feel unfairly criticized]: Well, it’s my first time and I was having such anxiety at being watched that my legs barely worked, so I’m gonna need you to cut me some slack. It’ll get easier with practice.
Bunny: Ah okay. :)
I have mixed feelings about this conversation. On one hand, it feels like he’s kinda topping from the bottom – telling me how I should have conducted our scene. My knee-jerk reaction is “Goddammit our dynamic is that I do what I want with you, not that I cater to your whim to be sexually teased!!!” Except I like mixing up nice touches with mean touches. It’s actually kind of my signature move. And part of my enjoyment of a scene comes from knowing that The Bunny is enjoying himself lots and not just sacrificing for my benefit, so it’s good that he communicated about this and that I had an opportunity to explain my uncharacteristic reticence. I think maybe things would’ve gone over better if the conversation had started by me asking him how he felt about it all, or if he’d broached the subject by asking me what my favourite bits of the scene were (which would almost certainly cause me to ask the same question back).
At any rate, I played loudly and obviously and violently in public for the first time ever, and although I was a bit inhibited and maybe didn’t do all the things I (or he) wanted, it still felt like the experience brought The Bunny and I closer. Things afterward felt connected and affectionate and I think we’re both looking forward to doing it again sometime.
*Mostly, I get this feeling from the time we were going to go to a CBT workshop and we thought there might be a little “free practice” time at the end. The Bunny asked me if I’d be okay with his junk being out in public for all the world to see while I tortured it. And then asked me again like ten different times over the next few days, even though I’d said the first time that I was fine with it. He really seemed preoccupied with the idea that people would be able to see and possibly admire his penis, or that I would be “showing off” my boy to others. It was pretty adorable, actually.
**They seemed like perfectly good, new-looking jeans. Not the least bit worn and not ill-fitting. So I convinced myself I’d misheard The Bunny when he said I could shred *everything*. Afterward he seemed disappointed I hadn’t cut them off him, though.
***It probably wasn’t a figure of speech, either. He sometimes shows me profiles or ads from boys he thinks I might like.