So, the monogamy…

I forgot to tell you guys this, but a couple days after Mine suggested he be monogamous to me (while I continue seeing other people) he texted me all like, “So, to be clear, I’m not supposed to do sexual things with other women now, right?”

This of course made me ask what was up. Turns out his ex girlfriend was wanting to come over that night and “talk” and he thought that might be a euphemism for sex (they’ve been intermittently sleeping together since they broke up a year or two ago). Well, obviously he wanted to fuck her or he wouldn’t be asking me to reiterate the precise terms of our agreement, right? If he didn’t wanna fuck her, he’d just, y’know…tell her “no thank you.”

And the hilarious thing is, when Mine volunteered to be monogamous, my first thought was “I’m not sure I want that responsibility.” I really, truly don’t care if he dates or fucks other people (as long as he’s still attentive and devoted with me) and have no interest in enforcing arbitrary rules. I mean what would I do if, at a later point, he expressed that he had a crush on someone else? Tell him “Well, you’d better stop that, Mister! It can’t go anywhere because…uh………..” – it just all felt so contrived. But he’d insisted that he wanted to be monogamous, so I said what the hell.

Here’s the thing: deep inside my brain there’s an eight year old girl in a fairy princess costume who loves the idea of a boy only wanting her and nobody else. I mean, who wouldn’t be flattered by that? But grown-up me understands that people with that sort of romantic tunnel vision are vanishingly rare, and that it’s perfectly normal for people to have multiple attractions etc. I can’t control a guy’s thoughts – I can’t make him want only me – I can only control his actions by telling him not to pursue the other people he does want. And what does that accomplish? Nothing but making him feel frustrated, trapped, and resentful. Plus if romantic access to other people is enough to make a dude vanish from my life, we must not have had much of a connection to start with and I might as well find that out upfront. Plus I hate being arbitrarily restricted to one partner, too. TO THE POLYMOBILE!

When MIne offered to only date/fuck me, and said he wasn’t just saying that for my benefit, I got a glimmer of hope that he’s one of those people who falls for someone and just can’t even think about anyone else in a romantic or sexual way. My inner fairy princess thought she’d finally found Twu Wuv. And when, just days later, he seemed to be trying to weasel out of the agreement he offered to me of his own accord, I was disappointed. I felt hurt that he wanted to fuck someone else – a thing I generally don’t care if a partner of mine does. This in turn made me feel resentful. It’s like Mine somehow managed to manufacture hurt feelings out of thin air. If he hadn’t said anything about eschewing other women, I would’ve been happy for him that he might get to fuck his ex. In fact I was still happy for him, even as I was pissed that he would make an agreement and then almost immediately indicate he wished he hadn’t.

I’m documenting this chain of emotions here because it was so fascinating and unexpected.

Anyway, I told Mine all of the above (via text, as is my wont) and he said he wouldn’t fuck his ex if I didn’t want him to. I was like “BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT.” We talked in circles for a little bit before he finally got it: it’s not that I didn’t want him to fuck his ex, it’s that I kind of wanted him not to want to. But he clearly does, which is fine, I just needed to adjust my expectations is all.

I asked him why he volunteered to be monogamous to me in the first place. Mine said he was afraid of being expendable, and wanted to offer me something that would make him stand out so I wouldn’t replace him. He said he’s afraid I’ll realize any second now that I can do better. I asked what he thinks he’s missing that I’m gonna run off and find in someone else. He said: good body. Intelligence. Money.

I responded that a) I think he’s hot and smart, so there. And b) my ex husband was a supergenius making six figures, and I left him; Minx had (what I considered at the time) to be a perfect body and I left her. Ultimately, none of that stuff makes for a good relationship all on its own; the love and connection comes from something else. It’s the him-ness of him that’s the core of what we have, not any surface stats like “is smart” or “has a good income.”

And I said that if his ex turned out to want sexytimes, to please go for it with my blessing. Just be sure to adhere to my rule of not orgasming. All his climax are belong to me.

The ex ended up not being in the mood for anything sexual, by the way. But Mine pointed out that if she had, my “You only orgasm with me” rule essentially means that he’s just a tool for women’s pleasure.The only one who can please him is me.


So, that fun re-framing of the situation pretty much erased the last of my hurt feelings over him being interested in someone else.

And anyway, it’s not like he’s actively seeking other chick-partners. He just wanted a nostalgia fuck with the woman he was in love with and dating for a third of his life. I really can’t bring myself to be offended by that. And he didn’t cheat on me or even ask to go back on his monogamy agreement; he simply wanted to be sure of where we stood so he’d have a game plan if his ex propositioned him. If I’d said “Yeah, that’s right, no chicks but me” he would simply have adhered to that. I was the one who called him out and said “You clearly don’t want to be monogamous, so don’t.” He behaved in an adult and honourable way as far as I’m concerned.

So we’re good.

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Going places

Preface: I just realized that my current boy, Mine, has a name just one letter off from my ex-partner’s, Minx. This post is about both of them. Read carefully or it’s gonna get confusing. Sorry for picking names that are so close together.

So, back when Minx was in the process of breaking up with me and spouted off a bunch of crazy, paranoid shit about me, it really threw me off my game. Which is to be expected – when the person who should know you better than anyone else says you’re dangerous and abusive, that’s no small thing. But I don’t think I realized just how much I internalized that idea.

Mine lets me play rougher than anyone else ever has. Last night I slapped his face; punched him as hard as I could; bit him; twisted his nipples until he was almost crying. And the vast majority of the time, he enjoyed it – but occasionally he needed to ask me to stop. And every time he said “owwww not quite so hard” or “not there, please” or “I need a break” or even tentatively put his hand up, I…stopped. Immediately and effortlessly, as though a switch had been flipped. I did not resent having to stop. I did not get so drunk on power that I decided to ignore his needs and just do whatever the fuck I wanted. I did not get so immersed in my own happy little sadistic world that I blocked out everything around me including Mine’s words and body language.

I caught myself marveling at the fact that I stopped instantly when asked to, and then I wondered why I should marvel at it because stopping when asked is just common sense, and then I realized it’s because Minx had made me feel like such a dangerous, unpredictable monster that I’d stopped trusting myself. I’d assumed that MInx must have seen something in me that even I wasn’t aware of. Certainly I’d always stopped immediately with her, but also we never played that rough. The rare times she did let me indulge my sadism a bit, I felt like something transformative was about to happen…but never quite got there. I think on some level I started thinking that the burgeoning thing i was feeling was some kind of Jekyll/Hyde werewolf deal, and that Minx sensed this and that’s why she’d always keep such a tight leash on things that I couldn’t quite get there. She knew I would turn into a horrible person and do horrible things. She knew I couldn’t be trusted to go too far.

Mine is teaching me that I’m capable of greater aggression than I’d ever realized, but I’m also a good and trustworthy person. He’s helping me heal a wound I’ve been carrying around for years and giving me more confidence in myself as a dominant. And I’m so, so grateful for that.

I wasn’t wrong about being on the edge of transformation before, mind you. When I’m allowed to let loose, I do wolf out. It’s just that my werewolf is not so much a killer as a golden retriever puppy let loose in a park for the first time – wiggly-happy and reveling in the sudden freedom, but not mean-spirited.

Mine says he’d like to get me to a point where I’m completely unguarded and unafraid and will do absolutely whatever I want to him without second-guessing myself (unless or until he says stop, obvs). I’m not sure that’s possible for me, but I love that he’s such a proactive submissive, communicating well and often and encouraging me to come out of my shell. I trust him more than I’ve ever trusted anyone who’s bottomed to me, and I’m beginning to finally trust myself, as well.

When I’m with him, the whole world seems to open up. This is what I’ve always wanted D/s to be: a journey you take together to brand new places. I always knew on some level that it could feel like this; it’s just that I’ve only experienced such brief, watered-down tastes of it that I’d started to think that other world was a myth or wishful thinking..

You can probably kinda see now why I’m falling in love with this boy.


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Shitty day.

So, maybe a week ago my friend Kaija told me about a holiday craft market that’s coming up. Brand new thing, first year they’re doing it. The tables are expensive but they let you share, so I forwarded the info to The Veteran (who is also a craftsperson) to see if she wanted to go halfsies.

She kept emailing me back asking for more details, which irked me because DUDE just click the damn link I sent. But the website is a sprawling mess and I figured maybe she was out and about and wanted me to feed her the pertinent points instead of digging through the shitty website on her phone while on the bus or whatever. But she was game to participate.

Yesterday I looked over our email thread and realized, shit, I actually didn’t send her a link to their website. I thought I had, but I guess not. So I apologized and sent it then.

This morning I had to drop by The Veteran’s place to pick up some baggies for a project. She texted me asking if I was gonna arrive on schedule, etc. Her tone seemed curt and “off” and she said she needed me to be on time because she was really stressed for time, trying to prepare for this craft fair etc. Then a few minutes later she said it was actually too stressful and she didn’t want to do it. I told her I understood, no worries, etc.

When I got to her place she was palpably cold toward me. I got the baggies and went to leave and she was like “Actually, I have something I need to say.”

And she went on to say that she wasn’t bowing out of the craft market because she was stressed over the event itself, she was bowing out because she wanted to have a website up to refer customers to and she didn’t. And then she burst into tears and said she was in a self-hate spiral because she didn’t manage to get that done. I sympathized; I know all about procrastination and self-hate spirals. And she lit into me for not having sent her that link sooner. I told her I genuinely thought I had and I was sorry I was mistaken. She said “BUT I PROMPTED YOU!” I said yeah, she’d asked me to tell her more details, but honestly I just thought she was being lazy or whatever. I’ve had many, many encounters with people who ignore links I give them and want to be personally spoonfed the information (I didn’t say it to her like that though).

She then went on a huge, teary rant about how if she’d known all the info sooner, she could’ve gotten at least a rudimentary website together, and she just gets so sick and tired of people who waste her time. Meaning her ex-boyfriend whom she’d been trying to get to help her with a website but who kept flaking, I think – but also I’m pretty sure she meant me. And she was like “Oh great, now I’m crying and crying always fucks me right up and makes me unproductive for the rest of the day” like that was my fault.

She said that she really really wanted to do the craft fair and was pissed to be missing out on the opportunity just because she doesn’t have a website yet. Now, I myself have dismissed a thing as “undoable” before because I was hung up on some imaginary barrier. I thought maybe that’s what was happening here. So I tried to give The Veteran a piece of advice Kaija gave me once that I still revisit often to preserve my sanity: “Don’t let ‘perfect’ be the enemy of ‘good enough.’” But she was not having it, and interrupted me to keep on ranting. I said “Look, all I’m saying is it might not be the end of the world if you just write your email address on a piece of paper for people instead of having a whole website to refer them to.” She interrupted me to yell that no, she needs a website and she won’t do any craft fairs without one and there’s not enough time to get one ready and her ex isn’t getting back to her and blarrrrrgh.

I just sat there nodding and saying “It must be frustrating,” because it didn’t seem like The Veteran was capable of rational discussion at the moment. And actually at the time I even kind of bought into her idea that shit was my fault, for not having sent her that link like I thought I did. Only after I left her place did I realize – what actual difference does it make? I didn’t fuckin’ move Christmas so the craft fair opportunities caught her unawares. I told her about this particular craft fair the same day I found out about it. If she refuses to do a craft fair – any craft fair - until she has a website done, then what does linking her to the actual event site have to do with anything? She’s known for a week that there would be a craft fair. She dropped the ball and didn’t accomplish what she’d hoped to accomplish. I completely understand that she’s upset with herself for procrastinating so long – I’m sure she’s probably been telling herself “get a site done before the Christmas rush” for months now and not getting around to it – but THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME.

If she’d just gone on a tearful rant in general, I would have supported her wholeheartedly. I still did try to be supportive – but I feel like she was kind of throwing a toddler tantrum and blaming me for her shortcomings. And I’m not sure how to get past this. I don’t think I can gloss over this and just keep on being friends with her – I think once she’s cooled off, if she doesn’t apologize of her own accord, I’ll have to say something – but I’m not sure how to broach the subject.

I’m frankly surprised that she’s acting like this. She’s almost my age, and although she has mental health issues I did think she was self-aware and together enough to know that her issues are her own, and not to use other people as her emotional punching bag.

And by the way, lest we forget, I have mental health issues, too, and after The Veteran was done berating me, bursting into tears, and telling me that my negligence triggered some kind of hate spiral, I was all fucked up and tearful and drained, too – and I didn’t goddamn do anything to actually deserve any of this.

I’ve been getting a lot of modelling work lately, by the way; I’ve been working multiple 12 hour days that leave me physically and mentally exhausted, and have felt like I’m on the verge of some kind of breakdown on numerous occasions. And I guilt myself out because I’ve been working when probably I should’ve been preparing my business for Christmas instead. And I’m not on disability, like The Veteran is – I don’t get a thousand dollars handed to me every month – I have to work for every single dollar I get, and I’m counting on doing brisk holiday business so I can pay my rent when the modelling jobs dry up in December and January (and hopefully have savings to get me through at least some of the summer dry spell, too). Christmas sales aren’t a nice extra for me. I need this in order to survive and stay out of debt. And every time someone calls me for an emergency modelling shift I’m faced with the dilemma of, do I do it and take the $60 of guaranteed, in-my-hand cash, or do I pass that up to draw more greeting card and magnet designs that might make me hundreds of dollars over the coming month – but also might not? And no matter which option I pick, my anxiety-riddled brain tells me I done fucked up.

So I’ve been dealing with all of that and now I’m also supposed to feel like I made The Veteran procrastinate on her whole website thing, and made her cry, and made her hate herself, and made her unable to be productive for the rest of the day.


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Mine came over last night and I ended up punching him until my hands were all red and my forearm bones felt like they were reverberating. For the following hour it was difficult for me to even grasp or pick up objects. Today I’m sore.

But hey, you should see the other guy. <3

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Milestone night

Mine came over last night. We were supposed to go out to a kink event but I was so burned out from work that I didn’t wanna get up off the couch, so we stayed in.

I haven’t been feeling much like sadism lately – partly because I’ve been working a lot and am so mentally and physically exhausted that I don’t have the energy, and partly, I think, because I still can’t get my head around the fact that it’s okay. That I can do things to this boy that others would consider sick and awful and he actually likes it.

He’s made it clear many many times that he loves even just sitting around watching movies with me – that I should never feel obligated to dole out sex or play if I don’t really want to. He really wants to be mine to command, and encourages me to really just follow my whims with him and he’s up for whatever. But I did feel a little like I should engage in some play – I see him so seldom, and he’s such a good boy. Maybe I don’t entirely trust his whole “anything you wanna do is fine with me” schtick. Too many guys have been accommodating in the beginning, in order to impress me, and then later it fell by the wayside.

Also, though, as much as I haven’t had any urge for sadism lately, I still missed it. I wanted to want it.

Mine mentioned that he’s never seen a strap-on in person before, so I went and put on my harness and my favourite dick and he immediately fell to his knees and sucked it. Dude has almost no gag reflex. At times I actually held his head by the hair and actively fucked his face and he took it just fine. I’ve always wanted to do that to someone, but most people would probably gag or vomit so I haven’t tried.

Then Mine stood up and we were making out and – just to kind of see how it felt – I slapped him in the face. His eyes immediately went all glassy and steamed-up like most guys’ eyes do when they’re really, really aroused. This, in turn, spurred me to greater heights of slapitude (between kisses). At one point when I reeled back my hand to strike he flinched, which simultaneously made me worry that I was going too far and made me feel even more toppy.

“Did you just flinch away from me?” I asked, perhaps somewhat menacingly, my non-slappy hand still wound up in his hair.

“Yes. I’m sorry.”

“Do you not want me to slap you?” this was half honest question and half tacit threat that he needed to behave or I wouldn’t give him any more yummy, yummy pain. Seriously, my responses were feeling all confused; I waffled between genuine concern and “how dare you” domly-dom-ness. If I’d thought for sure his flinches came from him for-real disliking what I was doing, the domly shit would have evaporated and this would just have been a straight-up conversation about limits, but as it was…

“No, I do, I do want you to slap me. I like it. But it also hurts.”

“Well that seems pretty silly, doesn’t it? Flinching away from something you want. You’re a silly boy.”

“I won’t flinch again.”

I slapped him a few more times, then segued into punching him in the chest, telegraphing my intentions first by tap-tapping the area with my fist (I do the same thing with my fingers on his face before the first slap – tap-tap-tap-POW. Gives him a chance to opt out if he’s not up to it that day). I hit him hard; harder; I adjusted my body into a boxer’s stance and he sort of put his arms out to the side a bit to display his torso for my hitting pleasure, showing me that he was ready for me to punch him in earnest. Which I did. Until I realized his inarticulate sounds had turned to “Ow!” which is what he does when something is beginning to be too much.

“Do you need me to ease up?” I asked.

He nodded. He looked like he was about to cry – which is not inherently a bad thing, as he usually has a stress-release cry after I’ve hurt him for a while; crying is the thing he’s aiming for out of these sessions. But I wanted him to know that I was there to support him emotionally in whatever he was going through. I kissed him, caressed his face, looked into his eyes. I whispered “I’ve got you” like you’d say to someone who almost fell from a scary height but you caught them.

Mine held my gaze and whispered back “I know.” Even with his eyes full of tears, his expression was one of absolute faith and trust. And I felt so close to him. There are no words.

The violence trailed off into just making out. Then he asked if I’d like to peg him, and I said technically yes but I was really wiped out from work and pegging would be hard on my muscles. He said “I’ll do all the work” and I suddenly remembered - derp – I could be on the bottom. He could ride me. So he did.

And ohhhhh god the second he got situated it was like my strap-on cock lit him up from the inside. He said the most delicious things – that he loved my cock, that I filled him up, that the way I fucked him was incredible. His extreme-arousal-face looks a lot like most people’s blindsided-by-a-hurtful-comment-face, which suits me just fine. I used to jerk off to movie scenes in which hot guys were blindsided by a hurtful comment. It’s a facial expression that gets my motor running. He looked so vulnerable that it was almost hard to look at him.

He asked permission to touch himself. I said yes – come on me and then lick it up. So he started jerking off. And as much as my intention had been to simply lie back and watch the show, I couldn’t resist pushing back at him at least a little bit – which made him moan even harder, as I’d suspected it might.

When he finally came, he went still; I suspected this was more paralysis than choice and that continued prostate stimulation might wring more pleasure out of him. So I braced my heels against the mattress, wrapped my hands around his hips and fucked upward into him as hard and fast as I could, and yeah. It jump-started his sounds from moans to howls. Fuuuuuck so hot. And once again he came absolute buckets.

Eventually he dismounted, removed the cock from my harness, and went to the bathroom and washed it for me. Then he came back and took the harness off me and we snuggled.

As we lay there in each other’s arms, he asked “So, you don’t think it’s weird, what I said last time I was over?” He meant telling me he was falling for me. He was still nervous that saying it so soon might have spooked me.

“No,” I said. “Not at all.”

A minute or so went by, during which I had a brief, silent debate inside my head. Then I took a deep breath and said “I love you.” You’d think there would have been no emotional risk there, but you know me – I overthink everything. And technically he’d said he might be starting to fall for me, not that he loved me, so maybe this would be too much and catch him off guard and make things awkward and blah blah blah. But fuck it.

Mine got a huge grin on his face. “That’s nice,” he said. I know that wording sounds condescending or dismissive but his tone was pure gratefulness and pleasure. He wrapped his arms around me tighter and said “I love you” back.

Once the seal was broken, he said it a bunch more times throughout the evening and the next morning, too. And holy shit I can’t even tell you how good it felt to have a partner express himself so openly, and to be able to express myself openly in saying it back.

And I do love him. Not just cat love, this time; something closer to being struck by lightning. We felt it hit the first time we met, when I beat him at that play party, but we both figured we didn’t really know each other, it was probably mostly just brain chemistry fucking with our feelings, etc. etc. But the more we learn about each other, the better things seem to be getting.

Sooooooo yeah.

Also, he asked if he could refer to me as his girlfriend, and I said yes. And he asked if I’d like him to be monogamous to me – at least where other women are concerned – while I continue basically doing whatever or whomever I want. I said yes, let’s try that; we can always renegotiate it later. There’s a certain romantic appeal, to me, in the idea of having a sub who’s committed to me while I remain free to roam – and when I asked whether Mine was offering this deal for my sake or because he was interested in it, he said both, so I think perhaps the idea is appealing to him, too. So we’ll see how that plays out.

I’m still feeling sort of guarded. Last night I opted not to try for any orgasms of my own, for instance; perhaps my emotional reticence has shifted around and become physical reticence. I’m fairly confident that everything will straighten itself out with time.


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Achievement unlocked: boy/boy action performed (partly) for my viewing pleasure

It happened! It totally, actually happened. I invited Mine and Dom over and Mine learned to suck dick.

I asked Dom ahead of time whether he’d wanna get right to it or have some small talk first (Mine is so cock-obsessed I’m sure he would have waited by the front door on his knees with his mouth open, but I wanted to make sure Dom was comfortable – he’s a friend, not a prop). Dom said small talk would be better for him, so that’s what we did: sat in the living room and talked. Dom is super friendly and chatty so it went fairly smoothly, even though Mine is shy and I’m awkward. Although of course there was an almost ominous shadow of anticipation hanging over all our interactions because we all knew what we were there for.

Dom had requested that I provide eye candy during the act (understandable, since he’s not actually into dudes) and as usual I couldn’t think of a graceful segue from small talk to sexytimes, so I excused myself to pee and, while in the bathroom, swapped out my boring everyday underthings for lingerie and then put my dress back on overtop. By complete luck, this dress has a zipper in back that goes really far down, so I can take it off downward (every other dress I own has to be pulled over my head).

So I walked back out of the bathroom with it covertly unzipped, made a bit more small talk, then pulled an “Oops, my dress fell off!”

Then I was like “Hey Dom, can we see your penis?”

Both boys immediately began stripping down, which I hadn’t been expecting. Both are straight-but-into-cock so I guess I assumed Mine would stay dressed and Dom would just unzip and take himself out. But hey, if they wanted to be naked, that was fine too (if slightly weird for me because Dom is a platonic friend of the non-naked kind). There was a methodical, almost dutiful quality to their undressing that struck me as somewhat unsexy. I hoped the evening would work out okay.

I reiterated that the idea of the evening was for Mine to learn to suck cock, so Dom should feel free to talk about exactly what he likes – which he did. One of the reasons I chose him for this mission is that he’s very talkative and articulate – not shy about expressing himself at all – so I knew he’d be better-than-average at giving fellatio lessons.

Mine knelt on the floor between Dom’s legs and took Dom’s cock in his mouth. I watched Mine’s face closely, trying to read whether that first moment lived up to his fantasies, but I couldn’t tell. It may be worth knowing that Mine was completely hard from the moment everyone got undressed, though.

Dom gave a brief overview of what he likes, cock-sucking-wise, and then reached out and began massaging my shoulders while receiving Mine’s oral attentions. I was all sore from work so the massage was more than welcome, and my moans seemed to get Dom going, so win-win.

I had thought that maybe in the heat of the moment I would become interested in engaging with Dom further, but nope – I’m just not attracted to him. He’s perfectly nice looking and I adore him as a friend and I enjoyed the touching and massages he gave me, but I had no wish for anything further. I caressed his torso sometimes (and, for a minute or two, the underside of his ball sac, to demonstrate what Mine might try doing) and sometimes we smiled at each other, but we did not kiss. I like that Dom didn’t ever try to escalate things, at least without asking. After a little while of massaging he asked “May I touch you a little more familiarly?” and I asked what he had in mind and he said he’d like to be able to touch my butt. I was good with that. But even though he was touching pretty much all of my exposed skin, he never assumed this meant it was game on for anything and everything.

For my part, I was very conscious of wanting to make sure everyone felt included. As much as Mine fantasizes about being used as a hole, I felt that he likely wouldn’t want me to totally act like he was just a cocksucking machine – plus this was his first time out and I felt moral support was called for. So I alternated between interacting with Dom and stroking Mine’s back and hair. After quite a long time of focusing ferociously sucking on Dom’s cock, Mine switched to jerking him off for a bit and we made eye contact for the first time since the naked stuff began. His expression was hard to describe…like we had a shared secret, kind of? An acknowledgement of our conceit that he was my property that I was lending out? I mouthed “good boy” and he smiled and mouthed back something I didn’t quite catch. It might have been “thank you.” I’m not good at lip reading.

Mine must have been flogging way for at least half an hour and Dom showed no signs of coming. I knew it was important to Mine to get the “reward” of a mouthful of semen for his efforts, but I didn’t wanna spook Dom by putting too much emphasis on it so as much as I wanted to say “Sooooo how are things coming along, there?” I did not. At one point I did ask Dom if he was getting overstimulated and maybe needed a break, though. He actually declined at the time, but maybe ten minutes later said that yeah, now he needed a bit of a rest.

Mine got up on the couch on the other side of me. “Cuddle pile!” Dom declared, and the two of them both petted me while I sprawled between and partially on them. It was quite lovely; I felt such affection for them both, and they both have lovely warm hands and are good at paying attention to responses and adjusting their techniques for maximum impact.

Dom intermittently jerked off during the snuggletouching, and eventually said “I’m ready for more if you’re up for it, Mine.” And can I just say I loved how courteous Dom was, calling Mine by name and asking for things politely and being patient with gaffes like Mine accidentally using too much teeth. At a few different points he even caressed Mine’s head during the fellatio, which was so hot I could’ve just about died.

Mine got back on his knees and went to work, and it took five or ten more minutes but Dom did finally announce (in a hilariously deadpan tone, given the circumstances) that he was coming. And then his matter-of-fact statement dissolved into moans, and Mine also moaned, hungrily, as he sucked and swallowed Dom’s load. Throughout the entire evening, I still hadn’t been completely sure whether Mine was enjoying cocksucking as much as he thought he would or if he’d just been going through the motions so as not to disappoint. Those moans were my first inkling that things were probably good. Then, having clambered back up on the couch again, Mine said to Dom, in sort of a stunned and grateful voice, “I would totally do that again if you ever wanted to” and that’s when I knew for sure.

The three of us sprawled on the couch and talked some more; I started jerking Mine off, figuring he probably needed it after his big fantasy coming true like that, but Dom’s and my small talk wasn’t of a sexy nature so it began to feel like a choice between the conversation and the hand job. I chose conversation so as not to make Dom feel excluded. Pretty soon after that he had to go – it was one in the morning by then and he has a day job.

Once MIne and I were alone, for the rest of our awake-time he periodically hugged me and thanked me for making this blowjob happen. He was just adorably beside himself with excitement.

For my part, I was so wired I didn’t feel sleepy – although I didn’t want to try for an orgasm to make me sleepy, either. For whatever reason, whenever I get into new sexual or kinky territory, my brain keeps me at one remove – I rarely feel turned on in the moment. Afterward, once I’ve processed a little, that’s when I’ll probably feel turned on and wank to the memories.

I had Mine massage my feet until I felt like maybe I could actually sleep. Then, in bed, I told Mine to jerk off to completion (not only had he lived his huge fantasy that day, we’re also practicing orgasm control so he hadn’t come at all in like a week – while knowing that this dick sucking day was fast approaching, and edging every day thinking about it. Poor boy must have been pretttttty backed up). As he touched himself, he asked “Do you want me to just come, or to eat it after?”

“You’ll be eating it,” I said. “…Unless you’d rather come on me and lick it off…”

It was dark in the room but I heard his breath hitch at the very idea. He enthusiastically agreed that he wanted to lick his come off me, and had me cuddle up to him until he said he was close – whereupon I rolled over and turned on the bedside lamp so he could Jackson Pollock my back. I love the feeling of a partner coming on me (Just not in my face or genital region…)…all those warm, slippery little spurts. When Mine told me he was coming, at first I felt just a light splatter and thought “Huh, that doesn’t seem like much.” But then suddenly there was a gallon more. Not splatters anymore. More like someone pouring warm liquid out of a pitcher. While gasping and moaning.

The gushing stopped and his sounds mostly died down, so I told him to clean up his mess…and he gasped “…I’m not done…” and apparently kept on orgasming for another five or ten seconds. So fucking hot. And then, yes, he bent and licked up as much as he could (some had run off the edge of my back onto the bed). He confirmed that he’d ejaculated a large amount – that hadn’t been my imagination.

And we slept.

And in the morning he was all puppy-wiggly and overjoyed again at having had his fantasy come true. And then he said “Hey, you know how you wanted me to be open with you about my emotions?”

“Yeah,” I said. I felt trepidation; I had told him to be transparent with me, so that I’d know if any problems came up. I wondered if he was having an issue with me.

But he told me he thought he was falling in love with me.

I wish I could’ve said it back. I did feel it, at one point; I’ve almost said “I love you” to him on several occasions. But lately I’m feeling all distant n shit, and I think it’s probably fear/self-preservation but I don’t know. What I said to him was “I…have been feeling some things, too. But I’m not ready to say the words. We’ll just…see how things go.” He seemed fine with this. Mostly I think he was just happy he didn’t scare me off. His “in love” speech had contained substantial amounts of “I know it’s really soon and I hope you don’t think I’m weird.”

I felt awful at how distant I was at that moment. He professes he loves me and I’m in a headspace where I practically wanna go “Atta boy!” and give him a jaunty punch in the arm. I mean it was hard for me to even manufacture a semblance of affection at that moment. I was a deer in headlights. And it’s so, so frustrating because he’s lovely and I did feel like I was falling for him before and how do I get back to that?

But literally thirty seconds after we kissed goodbye at my front door and he left, my stomach butterflies came back. I had a raucous urge to fling open the door and yell his name – make him come back to me, look into his eyes, and say “I love you.” But he was probably far-ish away by then and I was in a bathrobe and therefore in no position to give chase. Also I was afraid once I said it, my emotions would close down again and I’d be left wondering what I’d gotten myself into.

This lends credence to my “self preservation” theory, though: my feelings came back only when Mine was on his way out of the apartment, and therefore I was “safe.” I could have bared my heart and made myself vulnerable to him and then he’d be gone and I wouldn’t have to sit around with him right there owning a piece of me like that.

Jesus, I’m gun-shy. I wonder how I get past it?

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Shiny things!

My nail polish gifts seem to come in waves. I had nothing since, I think, June, and now two people have sent me gift certificates within a week of each other. One of these guys sent a whopping $50 and didn’t even have any specific colour requests – he told me to get whatever I wanted and surprise him. I’m pleased with any gifts I get, of course – when I cater to specific polish requests, it’s from a list of ones I want, not an open call to ask for any damn thing in the world whether I like it or not - but being given a pretty big chunk of cash and absolute free rein over what to buy totally made my day.

Between the two guys, I now have nine nail polishes coming to me. I’m so thrilled I could just about burst. :D

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