More adventures with Mine.

Mine is a masochist. He seems to get stress relief/catharsis from it. I had kind of assumed that paintimes wouldn’t mix too well with sexytimes for him for this reason. But he recently told me he’d fantasized about jerking off while I was wailing on his ass and back with hitting implements, so that’s…interesting.

I haven’t tried that yet, but the last time he was over I asked how he’d feel about me slapping him right when he was orgasming. He wanted to try this. So I rode his cock and when he said he was just about there, I slapped him in the face. Several times. So hard that the sound was less slappy and more just the flat-out clunk of my hand rattling his skull-bones. Helluva way to end two weeks of orgasm denial…he loved it.

This should also have been hot for me, but I was feeling sort of distant. I think this is just my normal fear-of-intimacy thing and that if I stay the course I’ll get past it – so I’m basically just gonna hang in there and see what happens.

He told me he’s had daydreams about us living together. He was worried that this would freak me out, but it didn’t – I’d daydreamed it, too, before this blanket of distance/caution/self-preservation/whatever fell on me. I wouldn’t have actually done it – at least not any time soon – but I’d been enjoying our D/s dynamic and kind of starting to fall for him and he lives in a different city, so of course I’m gonna idly fantasize about what it would be like if I had more access to him.

I have to say that the experience of living with Minx makes me never want to cohabit again…but Mine’s situation potentially has some built-in advantages that would make things turn out differently this time. He’s a handyman/labourer right now, but his ultimate career goal is to become a truck driver, and he’s actively working on getting the required licenses and whatnot. If/when that happens, he’ll be gone for substantial periods so I’d still have lots of quiet time and personal space. Also, I think he’d be willing and able to contribute more rent money than Minx did, so we’d be able to rent a place big enough that we wouldn’t be falling all over each other. And he’s a bit of a cuckold, so my being poly wouldn’t be too awkward. He likes the idea of me fucking other people.

So, y’know…if my sudden dip in feelings toward this boy is indeed just a phase, then maybe, someday…

In the meantime, we’ve set a concrete date/time for him to come blow my friend. So that should be fun.

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I am the oddest matchmaker.

My friendship with that dominant dude continues. He’s awesome and I wuv him. I’m sad for him because he’s in a long-term relationship with a woman but she never has a sex drive anymore; he feels unwanted and sad and pent-up. I’ve been in similar relationships so I totally understand this.

Meanwhile, my submissive, Mine, is cock-obsessed. He doesn’t especially want to interact with a guy, just a dick. Or multiple dicks. He’s super into the idea of being treated like a set of holes for men to use, and he doesn’t care what the guys look like or anything.

Earlier today, I realized that maybe I could kill two birds with one stone.*

So I texted dominant dude, and he (and his girlfriend) are down. And Mine will suck anyone I tell him to. So now it’s just a matter of coordinating our schedules.

Mine is seriously so enthusiastic about dick. He was over recently and sucked one of my strap-ons, after which I had him wash it off for me and he said he actually began to get a little turned on just from rubbing his soapy hand over this silicone dick to clean it. Hopefully Mine’s rampant enthusiasm will give my dom friend the feeling of desirability he’s been missing, and give me some fun eye candy. Mine is thrilled to pieces that I’ve found him a real live cock to suck.

Win-win-win!!!

*Dom dude is poly (though he hasn’t had an opportunity to take advantage of this since entering his relationship) and is another guy I’d classify as straight-but-into-cock. He’s done stuff with dudes before and thought it was pretty fun, but isn’t into dudes visually.

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Yay sex!

I forgot to mention – and want to, for posterity – that the last time I saw The Bunny we had quite a lovely time. Including some fun sex.

During our recent “stuff is feeling not-great so how can we fix it” talk, he’d mentioned that he missed being bitten and would also like me to objectify him more – particularly reducing him to just a penis (after the visit I was like “So hey, if I act like as though your dick is the most important thing about you, won’t that maybe psych you out and give you erectile problems again?” he was like “No, why would it?” *Facepalm*.) Another part of that “how do we fix it” talk comprised me pointing out that he never invited me to sleep over anymore and I missed that a little – it felt as though he didn’t like me as much as he used to.

And so he invited me to stay the night on (Canadian) Thanksgiving. When I was on my way over he texted that he was feeling kind of headachey (code for “not in the mood for sex,” I’m guessing) so we spent the evening snuggling and watching movies – and eating the delicious dinner he’d prepared. The next morning we got to snuggling under the blankets which turned to making out which turned to me putting thirty-odd clothespins on his penis and scrotum.

As before, The Bunny remained hard and oozing the entire time I tortured his junk (he dismissed this as a “fear-boner” but he was totally just being a brat. Something about CBT does turn him on).

While the clothespins were still on, I started biting his chest. He winced and asked me to stop. I told him I wanted to hear him say “please.” He gave me a defiant look that he’s only ever given me when trying deliberately to provoke me. It worked – immediately I felt my ears prick up, lionlike; I felt my canine teeth begin to elongate. Metaphorically speaking.

“So that’s how it’s gonna be,” I said, grinning pointily. I started biting a little trail down The Bunny’s chest and stomach. He squirmed and protested and I told him again to say “please.”

“No!” he said, in almost a petulant-little-kid voice.

I fastened my teeth around a hunk of his inner thigh and slowly began to bear down. The Bunny kept on protesting. “Say it,” I said, awkwardly because I was still biting him.

Then The Bunny said, in a more normal tone, “I’m asking you to stop.”

That confused me. He’d so clearly been egging me on – following our familiar pattern of pretending to be stoic so I could “break” him – but now suddenly he was sounding serious. And if he’d said “red” or even “no, seriously, stop” I would have stopped. As it was, though, I was torn. He hadn’t said the safeword, and he hadn’t said “please” (which also would have stopped the action immediately). He’s redded out and said “please” to me before, so I know he has no problem with either thing. Was he testing/goading me, or just too scatterbrained to say the right words?

I maintained my bite but stopped bearing down. “This is becoming an ethical quandary” I lisped around that chewy, dense, salty hunk of Bunny flesh.

“Yeah, it is,” The Bunny said. His tone was inscrutable and I still didn’t know what to make of it.

“You know if you say ‘please’ I’ll stop,” I said, finally. Still with my teeth in his thigh.

“Please,” The Bunny said, and I immediately let go, came up and kissed him. He didn’t seem upset at all, and things quickly segued into me taking the clothespins off him, putting stockings on me, and teasing him with my feet while he jerked off. I will, however, ask him sometime soon what was going on there with the biting – if he was really needing me to stop or what.

The Bunny came with my stockinged foot in his mouth muffling his moans. Curiously, though he said he did orgasm, almost nothing came out. Which may have contributed to his shorter-than-usual refractory period.

I took off the stockings and we snuggled for a short while, and then he started jerking off again. “You think you’ve got another one in the chamber?” I asked, surprised and impressed.

“Probably,” The Bunny replied.

“Oooh, maybe I can take a ride after all.” I’d been torn, earlier, between fucking The Bunny and doing the stocking-teasing thing. I enjoy both of those activities. Now it seemed I would get to do them both. Hurrah!

“You would never be so mean as to gag me with those stockings, would you?” The Bunny Br’er Rabbited.

“Oh, that would just be too cruel,” I said, but obligingly took one and stuffed it into his mouth. I’m glad he reminded me, actually, because it’s an idea I’ve always found hot but never got around to doing – and apparently that day I was kinda slow on the uptake.

So I put a condom on The Bunny and proceeded to ride – not so much for my own physical pleasure as to cleanse my palate of The Bunny’s recent sexual dysfunction. I just really, really needed to restore my faith in The Bunny’s functionality by getting the shit nailed out of me. PIV had been so fraught with peril and false starts lately.

And nail me he did. No issues at all. Thank god.

I started off doing the thrusting, but quickly got tired – and also wanted to feel the enormous strength The Bunny has running through the core of his body (so fucking hot!) – so I told him to push up at me, instead, and I just kinda suspended myself over him and let him do the work. He’s like a goddamned piston in that position. It is seriously amazing. I’d be sore after fifteen seconds if I had to move that way, but he seems like he can jackhammer upward like that indefinitely.

And then I remembered how we both missed me acting dominant/taking what I wanted/generally objectifying him. So I clamped my hand over his already stocking-stuffed mouth, bent down to his ear, and started free-associating. “What a lovely little fuck toy you are.” “I love the way you fuck me. Too bad you’re not good for anything else.” “Pretty boys are so much more fun when they don’t talk.” And every time I said one of these mildly disparaging things, The Bunny went insane with gasping and moaning. It seems that pretending his entire value is in his cock is a huge button for him.- I think the thing about me liking it best when he doesn’t talk actually threw him over the edge and made him come. That is fascinating and I’m totally gonna explore it more. Lord knows I’ve sexualized The Bunny’s appearance before, and also complimented his penis, but acting like his dick is all that matters always seemed too mean (and also untrue!) so I carefully avoided going there. I kinda figured if I got all dick-centred like that, The Bunny would be hurt/offended. But he…wasn’t. :D

Just about the second The Bunny came, I dismounted and was like “HITACHI NAO PLZ” because he’d really gotten me going. As is increasingly par for the course with him, I had a hard time orgasming and when I did it was somewhat sub par. It’s gonna take a while for my mental block(s) with him to dissipate, I guess. But he seems to have gotten his end squared away, and if he’s having reliable erections again and seeming attracted to me and all that, it can only help my end.

We texted a bit today about that whole “vaginal orgasms” conversation, btw. Long story short: I forgive him. He has a lot of weird variations on orgasms, himself – rivers of semen flowing out but not much of an “orgasm” sensation, orgasm sensation but little to no ejaculation, a storm of little pulsations that are intense but that he would not call an orgasm per se – and he thought maybe I was having some kind of different/halfway/WTF-gasms, maybe, from penetration sometimes. Because actually, sometimes when he comes during PIV it turns me on so much that I shudder and get goosebumps. I don’t shudder or get goosebumpy like that during my actual orgasms, but it’s not unreasonable to postulate that something was maybe happening with those goosebumps – some different kind of climax. I told The Bunny that if I ever come by an unusual means it would be surprising so I’d definitely tell him, and also if he’s ever in doubt he could just ask instead of assuming. He understands and we’re all good now.

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OK SRSLY I’M GONNA SMACK SOMEONE.

So Minx was over the other night and I related the story of The Bunny assuming I’ve been having g-spot orgasms for no good reason, and how irritating that was. Minx had a good chuckle over that.

Then she asked “Was ‘fuck me, bitch’ a g-spot orgasm?”

GODFUCKINGDAMMIT. She asked this literally ten seconds after I said that I don’t come vaginally, and also we dated for three years and I reiterated that I only come from external clitoral stimulation every time she asked. Not to mention asking for, or giving myself, external clitoral stimulation any time I wanted to get off. Occasionally I wanted a couple of her fingers inside me to supplement the clitoral stuff, but I’ve never, ever asked for only finger penetration to get off. Because penetration alone won’t get me there. As I told her from the beginning.

And by the way, don’t you think that if – by some freak accident – I had an orgasm from penetration for the first time in thirty-odd years of getting off, I would probably say something? It’s a little presumptuous and weird for anyone to assume I’ve suddenly started climaxing in a brand new way and plumb forgot to mention it.

Penis-having people are pissing me right the fuck off lately.

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A random burst of honesty.

The Bunny texted me earlier about issues with the other chick he’s seeing, apparently while also texting her about them. Here is an edited-to-get-to-the-point-faster excerpt:

Bunny: So I’m finding [Girl] to be quite demanding about my time and hanging out. She gets kind of pouty when I say I can’t do things.

Me: That sucks.

Bunny: Ah good, the truth is coming out.

Me: Do tell!

Bunny: She feels she’s competing with you.

Me: :O …Has she never been poly before? Cuz the whole point is that there are enough slots for everyone so *nobody* has to compete.

Bunny: I don’t think she’s been poly. So I think she’s getting the impression that when I don’t do things with her, it’s because I’m doing things with you.

Me: This is giving me a hilarious, borderline angry gut reaction. Because, she thinks that because she’s GUESSING. I, meanwhile, got to go through you bragging about the sex with her*, leaving her spooge-sheets on the bed, and telling me you couldn’t get it up for me (and only me). I know goddamn well she was getting what I wanted and I wasn’t. And I still managed not to lose my shit. At least not too much. Anxiety issues and all. So I’m kinda thinking she needs to suck it up.

Bunny: I know, I’m the fuckup in all this.

Me: I don’t see it that way.**

Bunny: And I thank you for being rational about my stupidity at times (ie sheet issues).

I’m pretty much over my hurt feelings about the impotence thing in and of itself, but I was still pissed about how blatant The Bunny was about fucking someone else, so I’m glad I got to vent about it and that he took it well.

I also got to vent a bit about The Bunny’s misplaced obsession with his hydraulics failure:

Bunny: Do you feel my dick performance has improved lately since our talk?

Me: Oh hells yeah. But I was serious when I said not to obsess on it…

Bunny: I know, but it shakes me.

Me: …Cause making out with a partner who’s maybe not hard is still fun, but watching him jerk off for half an hour while ignoring me (and still not get hard!) is…not. it puts alllll the emphasis on this one thing instead of letting us enjoy all the other things.

Bunny: That’s a good point.

Me: I know. :P

I’d never explained exactly what I meant by “don’t obsess” to him before, and I’m glad I got to. I think he gets it now. I mean yeah, persistent dick failure is a thing that probably needs looking into – I’m not saying to ignore a possible red flag. But I do not see any advantage in becoming single-mindedly preoccupied with the issue in the moment, when there’s still a naked person there wanting attention. Troubleshooting the issue should perhaps wait until a non-sexy time.

Anyway.

I had an epiphany today.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve had this idea that negotiating boundaries in a relationship should be about what’s reasonable. I’d be upset by something a partner did, but feel I had no right to mention it because I suspected my partner’s “transgression” was no big deal by general societal standards. Like I wasn’t allowed to be upset because he hadn’t done anything wrong, like, officially.

I’ve realized that relationship boundaries don’t need to have any connection to what’s “normal” or “rational” or whateverthefuck. Establishing boundaries can (and I think should) be a matter of both parties deciding exactly what they can and cannot tolerate. Period. I am perfectly allowed to ask for any goddamned thing I want. My partner is perfectly allowed to refuse it. I in turn am allowed to decide that the refusal is a dealbreaker, and leave the relationship.

So that’s…beautifully simple. So much more simple than I was making it. This could change my life.

* The Bunny always puts a condom over the head of his Hitachi Magic Wand to keep it pristine – a fresh condom every time he switches partners. When I was there one time and stuff started to go in a sexytimes direction, he said “I’ll condom the HItachi. Or rather, re-condom it” and then chuckled lewdly. Later that same visit, he made a few other sly little allusions to recent sexy funtimes with the other chick. It seemed to me that he was weirdly keen to let me know he’d recently plowed his other girl, considering a) I am not his locker room bro and b) I was well aware that the two of them were seeing each other on a regular basis. If he pulls that shit again imma say something.

**I don’t, either. Stuff happened on both sides. The Bunny may be insensitive, but I’m often hesitant to tell him it bothers me; if I were more vigilant about that, he’d check himself. And his bout of impotence – which I think he sees as some huge personal failing – was just a hydraulics glitch as far as I’m concerned. It hurt that it was apparently happening only with me, but I still don’t blame The Bunny. It was just a shitty turn of events, is all, and we got through it.

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An irritating revelation.

So, that email I wrote to The Pedant about his shitty bedroom skills? I knew he’d respond trying to dodge the truth of what I’d said, and he did. First he chose to believe I was only talking about our last rendez-vous, I responded that no, my initial email is quite clear about this being an always thing – but I enjoy the irony of me emailing him that he didn’t listen to 80% of what I said in bed only to have him ignore 80% of that email.

He responded to that saying that he really needs someone to be blunt in bed (um, “OW that hurts let me point directly at where I want you to touch me instead” is blunt) and added that, in fairness, my orgasms are really subtle (HA HA HA NO. They’re only “subtle” when a guy assumes I’m coming when in fact I am not. That’s the only time my “orgasms” are in any way subtle. When they’re not happening.)

Anyhoo, tonight I was hanging out with The Bunny and asked him if he thinks my orgasms are subtle/hard to recognize (incidentally, I’ve asked this of quite a few guys and they all said no, I am super obvious).

The Bunny thought about it and said “Well, your orgasms caused by the Hitachi Magic Wand are really obvious, but your orgasms caused by PIV sex aren’t.”

“Um………….what’s making you think I orgasm during sex?” I asked, carefully.

“Well, I mean. It’s doing something…”

“Yeah, it turns me on – gets me partway there or whatever – but I’m not coming. Penetration doesn’t work like that with me. I’m quite sure I told you that. I tell that upfront to anyone I’m sleeping with.”

So apparently even really awesome, intuitive, good listeners like The Bunny just decide their female partners have come because reasons. Even if she doesn’t say she’s coming, make any kind of crescendo in her sounds, or have any internal muscle contractions. Even if her face doesn’t flush and her body neither tenses nor releases. And despite there having been nothing that looks, feels or sounds like one of her climaxes as he knows them, orgasm! Because reasons! No need to ask her if she got off, because she did. Subtly. So subtly that even she didn’t know it.

I mean for fuck’s sake, all the “obvious” orgasms he’s seen me have have always involved external clitoral stimulation; I’m seriously not doing anything physiologically remarkable during PIV, just breathing slightly harder than normal and telling him that I’m enjoying myself, and immediately after the sex I lunge for my vibrator and have one or more of my “obvious” climaxes. Plus, as I said, I would have told him at the outset that I’m not a g-spot orgasming chick. Why the fucking fuck would he think I come from PIV alone?

I’m just a wee bit sick of guys expecting their magickal penises to get a woman off despite all evidence and, I dunno, direct statements to the contrary.

(I know some women get off during PIV. But I don’t. I tell people this. It is not a secret. Jesus.)

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Bunny talk

The Bunny and I had our talk. It was over so fast that in a way things feel unresolved. I dunno.

Basically, I said that I miss feeling dominant with him. He said he misses the D/s, too, and wondered why I wasn’t really doing that stuff anymore. I told him I’ve been kind of off my game since that phase where he was never in the mood for it. If he’d ever told me ahead of time that would be one thing, but going to do some little sadistic thing like I’d normally do and basically getting my hand slapped made me all flinchy.

He said he misses being bitten and would like to be objectified more – like, reduced to nothing more than a penis, kind of thing. I’m down with objectifying him, but in retrospect i’m wondering how that might work if he continues having erectile issues. I can hardly be like “All you are to me is a fuck toy” if he can’t fuck me. Guess we’ll see how it goes.

Re: the erectile dysfunction: he said his last long-term girlfriend went on antidepressants and never wanted to have sex anymore, and that contributed to their breakup, so that association is probably what was taking the lead out of his pencil. I accepted this at first, but then I was like “Wait…your ex never wanted to have sex anymore, but I was clearly wanting to have sex with you. So…why would that association come up?” He said the fact of me being on meds had simply reminded him of that sad time in his life. I’m not really seeing the logic here, and worry that he’s grasping at straws and the real issue is something else.

I brought up (again) that it’s felt as though he’s not as into me as he used to be, citing (this time) the fact that he refused to go down on me the last two or three times I asked, which feels like he doesn’t wanna be intimate with me (and I’ve stopped asking for oral because I felt like it was pointless to even try). He insisted that he just feels self-conscious about the state of his mouth/breath sometimes, especially after eating. I told him (again) that my genitals can’t smell his breath. He laughed that off. Sooooo I don’t know whether that’s the real reason or what.

I pointed out that I mostly haven’t been able to get it up with him, either – I’ve been having a hard time orgasming with him, and I blamed it on the meds at first but since then I’ve come fairly easily with two other people so this issue is somewhat Bunny-specific. I said I think it’s happening with him because on some level I haven’t felt entirely safe. Haven’t felt like I could initiate BDSM with him without probably getting shot down; haven’t felt like I can initiate sex with him without quite possibly getting shot down; haven’t known what was going on with him, in general. He didn’t really say anything to that but I think he gets it.

We did have some sexytimes, and those included some really lovely PIV, although neither of us managed to come during the course of the night. The Bunny was more passionate than he’s been in a while, though, and making eye contact more. I felt much more like I was with him and not that one of us was just performing a service for the other. So it does seem like he’s worked some shit out in his head and is capable of feeling closer to me now.

Can I just say, though, when the talking portion of the evening segued into physical stuff, the first thing that happened was The Bunny giving me a package of hair elastics he’d bought so that I could use them for cock-n-ball bondage. I think in his mind, he hadn’t been able to get erections with me in a bit and now he wanted to smooth that over by showing me he could get one now. And that was nice, don’t get me wrong. But my take on the situation is that his erectile issues had made me feel undesirable and the best way to smooth that over would have been for him to eagerly pay attention to me, not vice-versa.

So, it seems like things are going okay again between The Bunny and me – for now. I don’t really trust that things will stay okay, but we’ll see.

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