“The sub is really the one in control.”

People on FetLife regularly trot out the D/s platitude that “in a D/s relationship, the sub is really the one in control.”

Why is the sub the one ultimately in control? Because the sub can stop a scene with a safeword at any time, and because a sub can leave a relationship that’s not fulfilling.

Here’s why the platitude is bullshit, though: the dominant can stop a scene whenever they want, too (and doesn’t even need a safeword. They can just…stop). The dominant can also leave a relationship that’s unfulfilling.

Neither person in a D/s relationship is actually more powerful than the other.

Seriously, the more I think about this stuff, the more obvious it is to me that D/s relationships are not a hierarchy (as most people seem to want to believe); they’re a symbiosis. You have one person who thrives on being humiliated or receiving pain or giving service or taking orders or feeling owned, and you have another person who thrives on giving humiliation or pain or accepting service or giving orders or feeling a sense of ownership. These two people’s interests mesh well and they agree that the dominant will do certain things and the sub will do certain things and, ideally, everyone ends up happy.

Yes, the dynamic is thrilling. Yes, when all goes well the sub feels owned or powerless and the dominant feels powerful. But these are roles the two people are occupying, and the spell can be broken if either party steps out of place.

So I’m getting a little sick of domly-doms who take themselves too seriously and subs who smugly claim that they secretly run the show. STFU. Your relationship is a negotiated dance between equals, hopefully choreographed to keep everyone content, and either one of you can end it and either one of you can fuck it up. Just like the vanillas.

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Silly Bunny…

A text conversation with The Bunny:

Bunny: Coming down from your bender? [He means the funtimes at the sex club last night.]

Me: Ate a bunch of chicken and pepper stir fry. Yay healthy food! Now I’m idly fuckin’ around on FetLife and thinking about your mouth.

Bunny: My mouth?

Me: Oh yes. 

Bunny: Why my mouth? [SRSLY?!?]

Me: Because your lips are amazing and I could kiss you for days.

Bunny: Nooooo! We’d starve and dehydrate!

Me: I knew there was a reason I never actually tried that…

Bunny: Yup. Sorry.

Me: Sadface.

It kills me that he seemed confused as to why I would be thinking about his mouth. I mean I think he genuinely didn’t know what I was getting at (when he knows I’m having sexy thoughts about him, he always responds with “Pervert!”). He’s so adorably naive. It seriously makes me think of a prepubescent girl who’s all “Ewww, why would anyone wanna touch a penis?!?!?”

…I mean, he’s not prepubescent or a girl, so he knows why he wants his penis touched. But he still hasn’t caught up with the idea that women might actually want to touch it. Or kiss him. Or see him naked.

Actually, I don’t know whether that’s cute or sad or infuriating. I guess all three.

 

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I have done ALL THE THINGS.

It’s been a strange and interesting week. Multiple hangouts/sexings with The Bunny and my new crossdresser suitor (not at the same time); I beat the living shit out of that other guy at a play party; and tonight the crossdresser and I went to a sex club where I ended up getting a massage from another dude and teaming up with the crossdresser to caress his (naked, female) friend.

I want to write about all of these things in detail but there’s so much to process that I kind of can’t right now.

I’ll say one thing: I’m not sure I feel all that connected to either of the new boys. We’ve shared intimacies of one kind or another, and and it’s been rewarding having these new experiences with them, but…I dunno. 

I’m gonna give it another while. I tend to be guarded with new people, and I think not let myself feel attached or attracted. My first naked time with The Bunny felt awkward and doomed but now I adore him and think he’s just about the hottest thing I’ve ever seen. So best not to make snap judgments.

Oh, and one more thing: one of the crossdresser’s friends at the sex club had a body almost identical to The Pedant’s (and this guy was walking around naked all night so believe me, I know). Similar hairstyle and facial hair, too. The wave of nostalgic lust I felt looking at this guy was staggering. If he hadn’t been very obviously with someone (and if I didn’t find it kind of sketchy to fuck someone solely because they look like someone I’d rather be with), I might have tried to get a piece of that.

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Harem

There’s a 22 year old I had a date with a couple of months ago. I like him, and we’ve been in regular touch, but haven’t seen each other since. He lives in a neighbouring city and we’re both pretty broke, so I’d been thinking the logical thing would be to invite him over rather than going for dinner or drinks – cheaper for both of us and more private for making out. But my place is a shithole not fit for guests; I kept telling myself I’d have him over once I’d cleaned up, but that kept not happening. However, I’m now on meds that are slowly restoring my energy and motivation, and I’ve also realized I was letting my desire for the apartment to look perfect overwhelm me so I couldn’t even start. I shall now strive to make my space livable rather than perfect. And I’ve invited the boy over for next week so I have a deadline to work toward.

Tonight, I’m having a meet-n-beat with this guy. This will be the first time I’ve met him in person, but I gotta say in messages he’s continuing to hit all the right notes. I’m seeing a lot of potential.

The boy I spontaneously fucked the other day seems to be making good on his implication that this is an ongoing thing – we’ve been texting each other daily and will probably see each other tomorrow. Both of us are in a situation where we’ve known about our D/s interests for ages, and played here and there with people, but never had what you’d call a D/s relationship – and we want one. And we match up quite well. He’s a nerdy genderqueer long-haired crossdresser, so in some ways this feels unnervingly like Minx II: Electric Boogaloo. But the more I get to know him, the more my sense of deja vu will pass.

I find myself picturing various FetLife relationship statuses with these boys the way other chicks might doodle their first name with their crush’s last name to see what it would look like if they got married (Mrs. Jane Doe. John and Jane Doe. Jane Smith-Doe…).

So-and-so: girl of – perversecowgirl.

So-and-so: masochist of – perversecowgirl.

So-and-so: pet of – perversecowgirl

perversecowgirl: dominant of: so-and-so.

perversecowgirl: sadist of: so-and-so

perversecowgirl: owner of: so-and-so

etc.

*dreamy sigh*

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Good news and bad news.

Good: fucked a new boy today. He’s sweet and fun and by all indications this is the start of something ongoing.

Bad: the Celexa I’m taking for depression/anxiety has finally turned the corner from “desire is flagging and orgasms are difficult” to “it’s like my crotch physically does not exist anymore.” So the sex was fun, but in a kind of…abstract way.

I cannot be having this. CANNOT.

 

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The right attitude makes all the difference.

A week or so ago, some dude posted in one of the personal ad groups on FetLife. Pretty generic ad – “I’m a newbie sub looking for friendships or more” type thing. As always, the associated profile had no information or pictures whatsoever. As always, I commented that it’s hard to know if I wanna be friends with someone if they have literally no info about themselves other than “sub.” One or two other people commented, too, saying basically the same thing.

Rarely have I ever seen a poster come back to one of these threads and respond to advice or criticism. Very occasionally one will, always defensively. Once I got a response to my critique in the form of a private message. It said “Why don’t you suck my dick bitch how about that.”

But this guy actually came back and showed some humility. He sheepishly said that he was so eager to get started looking for people that he may have jumped the gun a little bit, and he apologized for doing things in such an impractical order. A while later he commented again to say he now had some stuff on his profile if anyone wanted to look it over and critique it.

I actually missed these posts initially – I was busy doing other things. But this same guy PMed me, too – again with charming humility – saying he was sorry to bother me but it would mean a lot to him if I checked out his profile and gave him any suggestions I might have. He said he noticed I seem very active on FetLife and figured I’d have a good idea of what would work there, profile-wise. I looked at and critiqued his profile as requested (I said if I were him I’d remove the part about being willing to try anything once, and add some stuff about his non-kink self). He thanked me, updated his profile, and PMed me again asking if I thought he’d executed my suggestions properly and if I had any more thoughts. I said if he’s looking to hook up, it would probably help him a lot to have pics of himself. If he’s shy about being identified, even something with his head cropped out or a distant silhouette or something, just to give an indication of body type. He added some photos with his eyes blanked out.

Now, this guy’s profile was very much of the “I’m new and I have a bunch of things I wanna try” variety. Which is fine – he’s being honest – but I am extremely wary of newbies/dabblers and won’t usually hit on them. Most of ‘em a) confuse submission with bottoming, and are in fact bossy little porn-fed bitches; and b) seem to be in it more to get some kind of kink cred and feel all cool and badass than because they’re actually kinky.

But this guy was so polite and receptive to advice (and it feels like it’s genuine and he’s just not Eddie Haskelling) that it warmed my heart. And the pics he posted were cute. So I went ahead and expressed curiosity about him and we’ve been talking. During the course of this conversation, btw, he asked which of his fantasies I might be up for fulfilling if all goes well, but also asked what he could do for me. I’m not sure I’ve ever actually had a prospective sub ask me that.

Also, he once had a girlfriend spank him with a paddle and whip him with a belt, and he liked the sensation a lot. So his fantasy of being beaten appears to be about the actual beating - he’s not just sitting around wanking to the imagery of a hot porn-domme wielding a whip without actually considering the pain part of things.

tl;dr: Despite what I keep hearing, I do not think it’s difficult for a male submissive to capture a female dominant’s attention. Just be respectful and not a total selfish git and you’ll stand far above the crowd. Sad but true.

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Humph.

One of the cute boys from the munch the other day messaged me on FetLife to say he’d be going to the sex club tonight. Like, hoping to run into me there, kind of thing.

I wish I could have gone, but I’m way too anxious to go alone; it’s overwhelming, I’m afraid I’d get hit on relentlessly, and I probably wouldn’t know enough people to be able to do the social butterfly thing so I’d just end up standing around feeling awkward. This boy is poly and in a primary relationship so I doubt he would have been up for me clinging to his side all night. Also, I really probably shouldn’t be spending the money right now – but to be honest I probably would have if the other factors weren’t impeding me from going. I suppose I could have asked The Bunny to accompany me, but we just saw each other yesterday and also it feels disingenuous to invite him along basically as a social prop so I can chat up another guy.

But it turns out The Bunny went there by himself, and ended up making out with a chick he plans on seeing again.

I felt a surge of jealousy, hearing this. In retrospect it’s not at all about him making out with someone, and entirely about the fact that he has the freedom to go to this place alone and be comfortable. He actually saw (and possibly hung out with?) the boy I had my eye on. Dammit! I could have been making out with a hot new prospect! Except probably not if I were there with The Bunny because we have that “focus on each other” rule.

I’m actually becoming comfortable with the idea of The Bunny playing with/making out with other people when we’re out together. But when we’re at kink events my social anxiety kicks in big time and I don’t feel comfortable being left alone, is the thing. I like the idea of The Bunny and I hitting an event and possibly hooking up with other people in theory, but in practice I’m not sure how it would work. I think what I’d need is for a group of us to go so that I’ll probably have someone to talk to even if The Bunny is off elsewhere and I’m not chatting anyone up.

Anyway. There is another small knee-jerk jealousy reaction I’m having: it’s that The Bunny has sometimes declined to go places with me because of the cost, but he was fine paying the steep price to get into the sex club as a single dude. I recognize that this is irrational for a number of reasons (people’s finances fluctuate, we don’t have to be joined at the hip every minute, etc.) but I do feel it a little bit. Actually, this probably relates back to my first issue that he has freedoms that I don’t. Like it’s not that I’m mad at him for not spending the money to go alone when he’s bypassed going places with me – it’s that I want to be able to drop in on this shit alone and my finances are yet another reason I feel I cannot. He would have paid, I think, $50 to get into the club. My price as a single woman would have been less, but the point is I can’t even imagine ever feeling justified in paying $50 for an evening’s entertainment. Not even, like, going to a concert or something. But The Bunny can apparently do this without feeling guilty or bankrupting himself.

Incidentally, when he was texting me about his experiences and I asked if he was gonna see that chick again, The Bunny replied “She’s nice we both seem mutually interested. But I’m dragging you to the next [sex club event].” So if I was feeling at all weird about him having met someone new, that pretty much put it to rest.

Also, I looked at this chick’s FetLife profile and she seems pretty cool. You’d think that my main worry with being poly would be my partner liking someone else so much that he neglects or leaves me, but actually I think it’s that my partner will develop an interest in someone who doesn’t seem good for him and I’ll worry about his well-being – I don’t want someone I care about getting their heart broken. Well, and also if he neglects or leaves me over her I’ll be like “SRSLY? FOR HER?!?!” whereas if she’s awesome it won’t sting so much. :P But anyway, The Bunny seems to have really good instincts in this regard so I’m heaving a sigh of relief.

And we’re gonna hang out sometime soon so I can kiss his butt better (and probably fuck it better, too). Apparently I succeeded in marking him the other night. :D

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