Unexpected Bunny Time

Just a day or two after our birthday get-together, The Bunny texted me asking if I’d come to a munch with him that night.  Then, perhaps remembering that my default state is “hermit” and I generally feel awkward as hell trying to mingle with strangers, he offered to pay my bus fare for added incentive.  Sold.

The venue was walking distance from The Bunny’s apartment; I went to his place first so he could change and get ready and we could walk over together.  When I texted to say I was almost there, he asked me if I’d eaten.  I texted back “not enough” which is true – I’d had a salad before leaving the house but was hungry again already.  And so when I arrived he had some chicken heating up for me. :)

The Bunny and I almost never kiss or hug hello when I arrive.  I don’t usually get a vibe that he wants me to, so I don’t initiate.  Maybe he’s thinking the same thing, for all I know.  We actually got all through dinner and left the apartment without touching at all.  And yet, on our way to the munch he started playfully poking me* and I grabbed his hand under the pretence of making him stop; he kept on holding my hand for quite some time after that.

I believe this is the first time he and I had gone to an event whose purpose was to mingle.  I’m the kind of person who can’t initiate conversation with a stranger, but will respond to contact in a friendly and fairly loquacious manner (although sometimes I run out of things to say).  The Bunny, though, barely made a peep all night.  As I chatted with other people, I reached out to touch The Bunny so he wouldn’t feel ignored; he immediately took my hand and squeezed/caressed it.  He was touching me in some fashion or other for pretty much the rest of the night.  At one point, during a lull where nobody was hanging out with us, I leaned in and pecked him on the cheek and he extended this into several lingering kisses on the mouth…raaawr.  It’s so lovely to have someone who is actually willing to look like a couple with me.  I hated how standoffish The Pedant used to be when we were in public.

After the munch, The Bunny bought me not two, but four bus tickets.  The other two apparently are so I can get to and from the play party we’re going to in a few days.  I never ask anyone to pay my way, and will never agree to go anywhere unless I can afford it, but modeling jobs are running thin lately and spending money stresses me out.  It’s sweet that The Bunny picked up on this and is trying to take away some of that stress.

Oh, tangent: I want to write a separate blog post about our belated celebration of my birthday the other night (which was amazing!), but I don’t have time right now.  But I have to mention what happened at the end.

After a bunch of sex and an absolutely fabulous home-cooked meal, The Bunny walked me to the bus stop.  On the way there, he said “So, I guess there’s no easy way to broach this…” and I thought he was going to bring up the fact that I recently told him I loved him for the first time.  But no, he wanted to tell me he’s taken up shooting as a hobby, and now has a firearm license and a gun.  How random.

But I did need to know a bit more about where I stood with the whole L-bomb thing.  So while we were broaching difficult subjects, I said “Hey, when I texted that I love you, did it freak you out?”

The Bunny immediately said no.

“Okay.  Because I wasn’t kidding when I said it – “

“I know,” The Bunny interjected.

“- But it doesn’t mean I wanna marry you, either.”

“I know.”

We reached the bus stop, and I turned to face him.  The expression on his face was…receptive?  Vulnerable?  He seemed happy that I had these feelings for him; I didn’t sense any panic or an urge to flee.  But he didn’t say anything more, either.  I kissed him and changed the subject.

It didn’t escape my notice that although he said he wasn’t freaked out by my feelings, he had clearly been trying to hustle me through that conversation as fast as he could, basically going “Yup uh-huh I know it’s okay I know yup” the whole time I was talking.  I think he was just afraid that I’d ask him point-blank if he felt anything back, and he can’t or won’t say the words.  I believe that he feels the same thing for me that I do for him, though, even if he can’t say it or labels it with a different word.

So apparently he knew I wasn’t kidding when I said I loved him, and yet he lavished effort and attention on me for my birthday anyway – he didn’t get all weird and distant or anything.  And on the night of the munch - after I had reiterated my feelings in person - he continued being sweet and attentive and acting couple-y in public.

I think we’re okay. :)

 

*The Bunny seems pretty terrified of making himself vulnerable.  He can’t even say “Happy birthday” or “thanks for coming over” sincerely – he has to ham it up by putting on a silly voice.  Likewise, I think initiating certain kinds of physical affection scares him because of the possibility of being shot down.  So instead of holding my hand or caressing me in public, he’ll poke or slap me.  He needs to pretend he’s just kidding around.  But if I express physical affection toward him, he reciprocates immediately.

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Birthday blues

The Bunny and I were supposed to celebrate my birthday this Friday.  We didn’t have any firm plans – basically, I told him I was free in the afternoon/evening and he said he thought he was too but had to check.

Today he was all “so what are these birthday plans?” I asked him if we are in fact on for Friday (because he never did confirm).  He said yes, he knows about the seeing each other on Friday part, he wants to know the details now of what I wanna do.  I proposed coming to his place for about 2pm and he said he actually wouldn’t be home at that time because he had a photoshoot.  (A friend is taking pics of him.  To showcase his…beard?  I don’t know.  He didn’t explain coherently.)  

I haven’t been sleeping well lately so I’m all kinds of fucked up.  I honestly can’t tell whether The Bunny is being kind of a dick right now.  I had said, originally, that I was free in the afternoon/evening if he wanted to get together, and he’d said he would check and then confirmed today that he was free.  2pm – the time I proposed coming over – is the afternoon.  And he is not free.  WTF?

Incidentally, I work first thing the next morning so I can’t be out late, and I find that when sexing is involved The Bunny and I need a lot of time.  Six hours can blink right by.  That’s why I wanted to come over at 2pm – so I could hang out over there until like 9pm and still get home in time to wind down and get a good amount of sleep.  Although I didn’t say those things out loud so maybe he’s not a horrible person for not telling me he had these plans (and/or making them on a day when I wanted to see him; I’m not sure what the chronology is here).

Anyway, he said he should be home by 4pm and I told him, honestly, that I’m not sure what to do because usually when someone “stacks” time with me on top of another social engagement, I end up waiting around like an idiot while they intermittently text me that they’re almost done, they’ll be there soon, no, for real this time, etc.

He then invited me to come along on the photoshoot.  My initial gut reaction was “Hey, he’s okay with me meeting his friends!  That’s probably a good sign, relationship-wise.”  Plus it would certainly eliminate the issue of me waiting around on his porch or something for him to be done and get his ass home.  My second thought was “I haven’t been feeling too special lately and now, on my birthday celebration of all days, he’s inviting me along on a thing he was doing anyway.”  Not that he’s replacing our together-time with this, mind you; I assume when photos are done we’ll go back to his place and we’ll focus on me.  But still.

I have a thing about birthdays.  I don’t expect or even really care about gifts, and I often don’t care that much about celebrating.  But if you are close to me and I ask you to celebrate with me, I expect you to motherfucking do it unless there are extenuating circumstances.  One day a year, I want my people to make a big effort to see me if I ask.  I want them to make me a priority.  One damn day a year.

I have ended friendships over someone pulling an “Oh, I’ve had a rough day at work, I don’t really feel like going out” on me the day we were supposed to go out for my birthday.  This is a subject that puts me in turmoil.

Plus I’m feeling kinda vulnerable from having told The Bunny my feelings recently (even if he did think I was kidding, which I’m starting to think is the case), plus I haven’t had a decent night’s sleep in weeks…I’m just generally feeling prickly as all hell.

So, this thing where The Bunny can’t see me as early as I want because he’s doing a thing with a friend, which I don’t know if he scheduled before or after I said “let’s hang out Friday,” and now he’s invited me to come along – shitty or not-shitty?  I have no perspective at all right now.

 

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Well, that escalated quickly.

I have some Bunny texts I want to record for posterity (…is why I started writing this entry.  But stay tuned for a giant plot twist!!!!!!!1!).

Tonight he was going on and on about some chick he messaged on FetLife a while back.  Apparently she’d put a personal ad up looking for friends/mentors/etc. to talk about D/s with, and he volunteered himself in that capacity.  The conversation trailed off though and he’s seen her put up a few more ads since (the latest more partner-oriented, not that it matters).  He kept on telling me that this confused him and I kept basically saying “Dude, it’s pretty obvious that for whatever reason, you’re not what she was looking for.  So she stopped talking to you and put up ads looking for more people.  I do not see where your confusion lies.”  Then he went off on a tangent about how he just wishes people would be honest, which (when I questioned what he meant by this) boiled down to him wanting to be explicitly rejected, in words, rather than rejected in the fucking obvious and common way of just having the conversation end.  I don’t understand why anyone would want someone to go out of their way to say “I DO NOT WANT YOU,” but whatever.

At one point he said “Ps, mature women are awesome.  You’re the bestest since you only seem to stop talking to people when they get incurable stupids.”  The Bunny’s main issue with the aforementioned FetLife chick seems to be that her initial ad only asked for friends, and he offered friendship, and she didn’t take it.  He seems to have the attitude of “I wasn’t being creepy so why wouldn’t she talk to me?” (which is fallacious because most people do need some kind of conversational chemistry even for friendship – it is entirely feasible that The Bunny just didn’t appeal to this chick even in a friend way).  Anyway, his compliment sounds like it’s saying “Yay for you, you’ll keep on making conversation even if it’s boring the shit out of you, as long as the guy isn’t actually being a douche” but I think what he meant was that he likes that I’m open to friendship.  I don’t need a dude to be hot in order to talk to me.

Anyhoo, then The Bunny started railing about the dating scene in general – how he’s talked to a dozen women in the last month but nothing went anywhere, and how he bakes for god’s sake and “if you could have cupcakes any time you wanted, at home, in bed, at like 3am, would you not get on that shit?”  I said maybe the women in question don’t care about baked goods.  Or want a guy who bakes but is blonde.  Or tall.  Or Asian.  Or whatever – my point being that people want certain things and they are allowed to want them.

Honestly, The Bunny’s rants were starting to get repetitive.  He seemed like he was dwelling on the negative in a way that was not productive.  Also, the conversation was kinda boring me.  So:

Me:  So, you know I empathize and am supportive of your quest to get banged by many ladies…but after a certain point it feels bizarre that you’re acting like dating is hopeless and sad TO THE PERSON WHO’S DATING YOU.  I have reached my quota for now.  Suck up to me and tell me why I’m awesome.

The Bunny’s phone apparently can only hold so many text messages, and when it reaches its limit, it crashes or something…he has to delete a bunch of stuff to be able to text again and it takes a while.  Evidently he was so anxious for me to know he wasn’t ignoring my request for compliments that he both FetLife messaged me and called me to let me know it was just a technical issue keeping him from texting back.  His phone call confused me mightily because normally he only calls me to leave wank voicemails and his wanking process takes a while; he would not normally be able to leave me a WankMail just five minutes after having a conversation with me.  Or maaaaybe he could if it were a sexy conversation, but obviously this one was not.  But no, when I confusedly dialled into my voicemail it was just him saying “My texts are full!  That’s why I haven’t replied!”

When The Bunny regained his ability to text:

Bunny: It’s not a quest to get banged by many ladies.  It’s a quest to meet people and then maybe be banged.

Me: Not the point. :P

Bunny: However I am sorry if I have made this awkward and come across as crass/crude. [New message] And I did mention your awesomeness. [New message]   However, dropping the D word! :O  [New message] There will be a voicemail shortly. [I want MOAR talk about how great I am, though...is he avoiding this?]

Me: Meh, I’m not super upset or anything.  Just reminding you I’m not chopped liver…also it was starting to seem like you were focusing on the negative in an unproductive way.  [New message] Yay voicemail!!!  [New message] The new ringtone makes your wanking SUPER dramatic btw.  Such gravitas.

Bunny: All in all, I just like meeting people a fraction as awesome as you. [New message] Again, you’re mature (regardless of how immature you act), you communicate (even when you’re getting frustrated by me) and stuff ‘n’ things.  [Damn.  That's more like it!]

Then he randomly texted me a hilariously dorky picture of his cat that had me laughing until I could barely breathe.  A while after that, he left me that voicemail.

We chatted a bit more about random shit, and then it suddenly caught up to me that the “D-word” he acted shocked over was “dating.”

Me: Why the shocked face at me “dropping the d-word” btw?

Bunny: Messing with you. [I do not know what to think about this.  Was he messing with me?  Or was he subtly telling me he would not use that particular word to describe what we're doing, but then backpedalled when he thought I might be mad?  And then it struck me that if he IS in a headspace where he thinks of us as something less than dating, I might as well know now.  So...]

Me: I was gonna say…if THAT freaked you out then dropping the L-bomb would make you shit yourself…which would be hilarious, if somewhat insulting…

Bunny: Lol.

Me: Hey, Bunny.  I love you.

Bunny: D’aww. [New message] I love lamp. [New message] I love window. [New message] I love cable.

…Which, actually, brings us up to seven minutes ago.  I have not responded to his jackassery and deflection.  I’m kinda curious to see if an awkward silence will scare some kind of truth out of him.  So far, it’s looking like no.

My read on the situation is that he’s not wanting to bolt or anything, but he’s not ready to say the word back, either.  All of which is fine.  I’m just gonna leave it alone for now.  I’ve told him how I feel, and that’s good enough.

And, fine, I just broke the text-silence with a silly emoticon so he knows I’m not mad or anything.

 

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April 7, 2014 · 4:20 am

Everything is probably okay.

I didn’t sleep well last night, but I guess I slept well enough to take the edge off my anxiety.  The added perspective of my commenters probably helped, too.  I’m feeling slightly better today.  Also, some texting happened that put my mind somewhat at ease about The Bunny.  Or maybe it was purely sleep that did that and if I were still feeling fucked up I would’ve interpreted the exact same conversation in a more negative way.  I don’t know.  And yyyeah, I definitely wanna go on meds.

Anyway.  Some annotated excerpts from today’s texting:

Me: Well, off I go to peddle my ass at [art school].  It’s only my second time there and i feel I’m still establishing my reputation; send happy thoughts.

Bunny: I’ll send a penis. :P

Me [unable, as usual, to hold in my words anymore]: Speaking of which, I want yours for my birthday.  I’m free Wed evening/night or Friday day/evening.  What’s your availability?

Bunny: I am pretty sure I am free Friday.  Just have to talk with one dood.

[Goddammit, why is he never just FREE anymore?  Why does it always seem like such a battle?  But, no, the last time I saw him was because he volunteered to come over.  And that was last week.  Except then he seemed like he was trying to get out of it.  Arrrrgh I don't know.  Later on in the day...]

Bunny: hey, do you remember the woman with [description] from rope practice?

Me: I don’t know.  I don’t think so.  More details?

Bunny: [More physical description], she was working with [Bunny's friend] on ties.  This goes back some months because we haven’t been in a while. [Has that been on his mind?  Is he cooling on me because he's really into being tied up and I haven't been doing that lately?]

Me: I might know her if I saw her, but not ringing a bell.  Why?

Bunny: I found her on OKCupid awhile back, so I took a gamble messaging today.  She messaged back amicably.  Then I found on FetLife that she’s looking for a rope bottom for tomorrow.

[My immediate thoughts, in roughly chronological order: 1) The Bunny is tacitly asking me permission to get tied up by this woman (he usually subtly asks permission to do stuff with other people).  2) ...Which probably means he's still in the habit of telling me about whatever other women he's interested in, ergo if he's been busy lately it's likely not because he's seeing someone.  3) It makes me feel a little weird to picture someone else topping The Bunny in any way, but I think if I face my fears I can get over them.  After all, once upon a time the idea of a partner doing ANYTHING remotely sexual or kinky with someone else would've freaked me out.  I've come a long way. I can go further. 4) ...But The Bunny works tomorrow.  If I tell him I'm fine with him getting tied up by this chick, is he gonna rearrange his shifts at work to make this happen (as he did for me once or twice back in the day)?  Did he seem like he was squirming out of our last get-together, turn me down for another without suggesting an alternate date, not mention anything about my approaching birthday, not take the hint that I want to see him more often from my "Are we okay?  I feel like I'm not seeing as much of you lately" text the other day, BUT WILLING TO REARRANGE HIS SCHEDULE FOR THIS NEW GIRL?!?!?  God help him if that's the case.  OMG.  5) I need to ascertain for sure what's going on here.  Ergo, just saying "Cool, have fun," will not do.  I shall point out that he's working tomorrow and see what he says.]

Me: You work tomorrow. :P

Bunny: I work OT tomorrow.  The world is against me. [Okay, so he's not just working tomorrow, he's working an extra-long shift.  So...he's going to rearrange THAT?  Or...what is he talking about?]

Me: So it would appear!  I’m sure you and [woman] will find time for rope at some point.

Bunny: Well I’m just in hello chats with [woman].  She messaged once so I’m not a repulsive creeper.

Me: Yay! :P  [Holy shit.  He wasn't texting me to ask permission.  He was just sharing a minor social triumph with me.  I'm glad I didn't make any assumptions out loud.]

Bunny: In the mean time, however, aboot your birthday, what do ya want?

Me: Snuggles and food and probably a whole lot of sex ‘n’ bondage. [New message] And a pony!

Bunny: You only get two.

Me: I might be willing to give up the pony.

Bunny: TWO ONLY. [Okay, I know I'm being nitpicky, but The Bunny often goes in for a kind of teasing, pseudo-mean banter that can be vaguely amusing on occasion but usually seems pointlessly abrasive.  I am especially in no mood for it these days.  I keep wondering if he's making one of those jokes with the grain of truth in it.  Does he really not want to cook for me AND do bedroom stuff?  Is there a crumb of seriousness there when he tells me to be less demanding?]

Me: WHY ARE YOU SO MEEEEEEAN?!

Bunny: I’m so giving is more like it.

Me: Giver of sadness because no pony. :(

Bunny: Go get a pony from FetLife. [Again: grain of truth?  Is he trying to pawn me off on someone else?  WIshing I had more partners because I'm too demanding and he doesn't like carrying the full brunt of it?]

Me: Maybe I’ll compromise by riding YOU.

Bunny: *Not a pony*

Me: You’re more versatile.  With a pony you can only put carrots in the one end.  [That was an ass play joke.  And in his ensuing silence I sent like five grinning-smileys, at intervals, mimicking the way I'd be staring expectantly at him with barely contained hilarity, waiting for him to acknowledge my joke, had I made this joke in person.]

Bunny: Stop spamming smilies.  Also, I don’t do pony play.

Me: Okay, then I’ll only put a carrot in your back end.  The one ponies DON’T like.

Bunny: [Eyeroll emoticon]

Me: So is that a yay…or a NEIGH? [New message] *Implodes with giggles*

Bunny: Well I guess I’ll have no one to visit.  [WTF?  I think this was a joke-threat that if I keep talking about ponies he won't come over for birthday celebrations, after all.  But I don't know.  The wording is weird.  I texted him back a question mark but he never explained.]

Later, we were talking about other stuff and he casually referred to this as a “6-day, 48 hour work week” for him, and it finally clicked into place that – this week, anyway – he really is busy and probably won’t feel like hanging out with anyone after work.  The fact that he’s (probably?) giving me a chunk of his Friday after working for six consecutive days (one of them ten hours long) is…well, I’m not gonna act like he’s a hero among men or anything because it’s my birthday celebration and I think that requires people to step up.  But it’s nice.

So in conclusion, it seems like The Bunny really does have some life stuff going on (also!  His Grandma’s birthday was a couple of days ago and he went to her house after work to celebrate…and then had to go back there tonight after overtime to help her with her computer).  And he’s probably still mentioning every chick he talks to, so that shit’s all above board.  And he didn’t try to put off seeing me for my birthday.  So that’s all good news.

Now, if only I could get him to be more verbally effusive and stop making mean jokes…

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Sage reprieve and Bunny angst.

The Sage cancelled our outing/paid bondage session for tonight.  He says he got called in for overtime at work.  Personally I kinda wonder if it really is that, or if he too is having weird feelings about the sex-workerish nature of our agreement.

Well, whatever.  Work yesterday really burned me out and I’m thrilled to now have a day with no responsibilities.

If he does tend to get called in for work at the last minute, though, that’s problematic for me.  I get called for modelling jobs at the last minute sometimes, and had decided that if this happened I would hold fast to my plans with The Sage (he got there first, he is also paying me, I want to establish a good reputation with him, blah blah blah).  As it happens, nobody asked me to come model tonight.  But what if they had?  I’d’ve turned it down and The Sage wouldn’t have ended up coming.  So if The Sage wants to book a different time with me, I think I’ll tell him this – that he’ll have to kind of be on standby.  If he could commit to a time absolutely, it’d be different.

Also, it has been pointed out to me that duct tape bondage (which The Sage seems to want) takes a while, and that this should count toward the time he’s paying me for.  When The Sage was talking about just being thrown in a sleep sack (I’ve never used one but I assume it’s a fairly quick process to get into one?) I figured I’d start the clock once he was in there.  Duct tape is a whole different thing.  I’ll have to tell him that the bondage process counts toward our time together – which actually will probably preclude me having to propose a two-hour minimum (although if he doesn’t go “Shit, that’ll hardly leave me any time to actually be in bondage, I’ll have to book more hours” then I totally will instigate a minimum.

Bah, this is complicated.

In other news, my anxiety over The Bunny has been driving me nuts.  And I usually just deal with this shit myself, because I know that my brain plays tricks on me.  I might, for instance, get it into my head that I haven’t heard from him much lately, but when I actually check my text messages there’s been no drop in contact at all.  So I mostly just keep telling myself I’m probably imagining whatever it is that’s freaking me out.  Probably seasoned users of certain kinds of drugs talk themselves down like this when they have scary hallucinations.  “It’s fine, your brain is just being an asshole, this is not really real,” etc., etc.

But yesterday I had the insidious thought “What if there really is something wrong and you’re just writing it off as one of your stupid brain things?”  The Bunny doesn’t seem like he’s very good at communicating/having emotional-type talks/etc., so if he is having some kind of issue, maybe he needs an opening to talk about it.  Maybe if I don’t provide one, whatever thing might be going on with him will just build and build and become unfixable.

Also, I texted him to see if he wants to hang out on Saturday and he said he can’t because he took an overtime shift for extra cash.  And then he didn’t propose an alternate time to hang out.  Which means we’ll likely end up with over a week between hangouts (since the last time I saw him was Sunday).

That’s when the paranoia snapped my brain in half.  I texted him, “Hey is everything okay with you/us?  I feel like you’re not texting/seeing me as much as you used to.  With that plus the way you seem to be on Tinder so much I worry sometimes that you’re looking for replacement wimmenz, not just additions.”

He promptly replied, “Things are just going in a million directions and I knew you were a bit pre-occupied in March with stuff.  Otherwise everything is fine and I’m just being a busy body.”

I thanked him for his reassurance and left it at that.  But, predictably, I did not actually feel comforted.

Reasons why I’m probably just imagining things:

  • It’s pretty normal for a person to have stuff going on in their life.  When we first met, The Bunny seemed weirdly available all the time – he never seemed to be doing anything when he wasn’t at work – and I got used to this.  But most people’s default state is to have projects on the go, hang out with friends, etc.  He’s probably just upgraded from “hermit” to “normal”.
  • He was the one who initiated our get-together on Sunday – it’s not like I’m aways the one making plans and he seems totally indifferent.
  • He hooked me up with that ringtone I’d mentioned wanting for my phone and left me a wank voicemail not too long ago – he remembers things I like and surprises me with them.
  • He invited me out dancing with him and a friend of his.
  • When I expressed anxiety about going to that munch, he offered repeatedly to come be my wingman (although that was almost a month ago…things change…)
  • He still plans on drawing me a floor map of that local sex club like I’d asked (I explained that I get anxious in strange places and can’t make sense of the layout, and being able to sit in my nice safe apartment and memorize an overview would help a lot).
  • He still texts me every day – just less than he used to.
  • When – as a test – I didn’t text him one day, he texted me with “Still alive? :O” around 3pm (which I did respond to and then we proceeded as normal).  It’s not as fast as he would’ve checked in a few months ago, but it’s something.  He notices when I’m gone.

Things that are freaking me out (possibly irrationally):

  • He almost seemed to be trying to get out of our visit on Sunday, and acted kinda weird and standoffish during the snuggling.
  • His proposal of going clubbing with his friend was so awkwardly worded.  He was like “My friend wishes to meet you.  Pick a night for dancing.”  Almost as though he didn’t want to let his vanilla and kink worlds collide, but she was being super insistent.  Mind you, it’s like pulling teeth to get The Bunny to express verbal affection so I suppose he’d never say “I’d love for you to hang out with me and my friend sometime” anyway.
  • That plan has not come to fruition.  The Bunny volunteered that it’s because his friend is being flaky and won’t pin down a date (I’d actually forgotten about the whole thing).  In my more paranoid moments I wonder if The Bunny has abruptly stopped liking me and put the kibosh on that outing himself.
  • The Bunny once told me that the two times people are most desperate to hook up are spring and before Christmas.  He said that it’s because by Christmas, you’re sick of whoever you’d gotten to keep you company through the spring and summer, so you trade them in; in spring you’re sick of your Christmas person and trade them in. I thought that was a pretty pessimistic view of relationships, but perhaps The Bunny was speaking from his own personal experience.  We started seeing each other in October, btw.  And it’s spring now.
  • He really does seem to be cruising women on OKCupid or Tinder or FL all.  The.  Fucking.  Time.  We’re poly; i obviously don’t expect him to be into me and only me.  I’m kind of idly scoping out other options, myself…but I’m not ravenously trolling dating sites 24/7 because I’m already getting laid and it’s really good.  Maybe The Bunny’s drive for variety is greater than mine.  Maybe he just gets bored at work and thinks it’s fun to read people’s profiles. It might be nothing.  But then again it might not.
  • I confided in him that I was worried about this upcoming (now cancelled) thing with The Sage.  He replied “I’m confident you’ll be safe aboot it all.  Have fun however.  Have all the fun!”  Can’t tell if emotionally stunted attempt at moral support, or dismissiveness.  I was quite clear that this was work for me, not fun, and that I am not attracted to The Sage and that in fact he shows signs of douchebaggery that concern me.

By the way…my birthday is coming up next week.  I did mention my birthdate to The Bunny a couple months back; I think I even mentioned more recently that it’s coming up soon; and yet he has not proposed any plans.  I don’t know what to do.  He seems pretty content lately to go over a week at a stretch without seeing me; he just turned me down for hangouts on Saturday and didn’t volunteer an alternate date; it just generally seems like he’s not that into seeing me anymore.  I don’t want to feel like I have to push for him to celebrate my birthday with me.  But if in fact he really does like me and is just busy lately, and he forgot my exact birthdate, it’s gonna be weird if I just don’t say anything about it and sometime later he goes “So when’s your birthday?  It’s coming up, right?  We have to do something!” and I have to go “Ummmm actually it was two weeks ago.”

But also?  This brings me to one last thing that’s freaking me out:

  • Oh shit.  Some people think it’s mean to break up with someone right before a special occasion, like Christmas or their birthday.  What if that’s what’s going on here?  What if The Bunny has soured on me for whatever reason and is trying to disguise it until after my birthday, and then he’ll let me go?  Fuck, I would so much rather get dumped now than know that someone was faking liking me for however long.  But I’ve already asked The Bunny if things with us are okay, and he said yes.  I can’t very well go “NO SRSLY DO YOU STILL LIKE ME OR WHAT” without looking, well, kinda crazy.  Probably he’d be put off by me having that kind of meltdown even if he truly had been happy with me.

I welcome advice and viewpoints from disinterested third parties.

Oh, and btw I had an interesting discussion with my friend Kaija in which she told me that anti-anxiety meds are not the same as antidepressants (I refuse to take antidepressants ever again because reasons).  Apparently anti-anxiety meds work faster (doesn’t take 6-8 weeks for them to kick in) and it’s common for people to go on them just for a little while, to get them over the hump of whatever life-shit is paralyzing them, and then they can go off ‘em again afterwards if need be.  So I want to look into this.  But I can’t yet because (irony alert) I don’t wanna go back to the doctor with yet another thing when I still have two blood tests pending for other things…which I haven’t gotten around to getting because I’m overwhelmed by anxiety.  Wheeeeeee!

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Stupid penis tricks

I know it’s nowhere near Hallowe’en, but I saw this photo online and think it’s hilarious.

Image

As soon as I showed it to The Bunny, he pre-emptively said “NO!” 

I was like “Not even if I dress my junk in a haunted house costume?”

“No.”

“Come on, that would be awesome!”

“No.”

“You don’t wanna be the ghost in my haunted house?”

“No.”

Awwww goddammit.

He’s not entirely without a sense of humour – a few weeks ago, when I found a photo of a woman lying with her head under a guy’s erection (his nut sac on her forehead) captioned “I’m a unicorn!” he rolled his eyes and said okay to replicating that.  Although he won’t let me photograph his junk (and I’m not sure I’d want such an undignified photograph of me, anyway) so I didn’t get to see myself being a unicorn.  I just lay there for a while, giggling and saying “I’m a unicorn!” and groping my own “horn,” and that’s about it.

To be honest, I don’t think his penis would make a good ghost, anyway – it lies along his stomach when he’s erect.  He’d have to actually hold it up straight, which would kill the “floating” effect.

That’s okay.  I’m sure I’ll find other fun things to inflict on The Bunny.  It’s a big ol’ internet out there.

 

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Sex work?

Remember The Sage?

A while back – I think this was shortly after my “Hey, let’s just be friends” talk with him – we were texting and he was going on and on about how desperate he was to be tied up for a while (being tightly immobilized is a way that he deals with stress).  This is not a thing I’d care to do – even if I were interested in The Sage, the particular scenario he has in mind doesn’t do it for me at all.  He just wants to be trussed up tightly and sat on for an hour or three so that he can decompress from the stressors in his life.  There’s nothing in this for me; nothing about it turns me on or twigs my dominance at all.  But I am in a state of constant financial uncertainty and have been considering venturing into some kind of light sex work to supplement my income.  Sitting on some dude while I watch a movie doesn’t sound unpleasant per se, just not interesting at all.  I’d do it for money, though.

Before I could even propose this, The Sage actually volunteered that he was “practically desperate enough to pay someone” for the bondage he craves.  And I was like “Y’know…I might be up for that.”

We negotiated for a while and came to a consensus: I would be willing to have him come over, get in a sleep sack and gag (that he provides) and I’d babysit him for a pre-decided period of time to make sure he didn’t choke and die.  And probably sit or lie on him, too, to help maximize his immobilization experience. He, in return, would pay me $40/hr for this service. (Initially, I cagily asked him what he thought was a good price, just in case he volunteered higher than the $40 I was thinking.  He suggested $15/hr.  HA HA HA NO.  That’s less than I get for modelling – a job I actually like.  Plus I’m a very private person so having someone in my apartment is kind of a big deal.  And I am taking on a certain amount of responsibility here; it’s not likely that The Sage would start to suffocate, or fall off my couch and bash his head open, but it could happen.  I do have to be alert and pay attention.  Also if he went to a prostitute or pro domme for this he’d be paying at least $100/hr, so the way I see it, $40 is a bargain.)

So we hammered out those terms, but then we didn’t make any plans to actually do this.  I keep coming up to the edge of sex work (if you could even call this that) and then chickening out, and maybe he needed some time to think it over, I dunno.  But the conversation trailed off for the time being.  

Then his work got super busy and he was doing overtime and stuff, and I got busy with my life, too, and we kinda fell out of touch for a couple of months.

Recently my finances have become even more precarious.  For some reason my modelling jobs have begun to dry up; as things stand, I will not be making enough money to cover my expenses for April or May.  June, July and August are summer vacation months, so the art schools will be closed down, further drying things up.  So unless a miracle happens or I give up and get a “real”job, I’ll be heavily relying on my savings until September.  Which will probably deplete them entirely.  Scary shit.

And so I started trolling Craigslist for foot fetish guys offering to pay for foot worship.  But then I thought “Hey, why do all the groundwork of taking sexy photos and sending them to these guys and weeding out the real deal from the time wasters when I have a guy already good to go?”

I sent The Sage a chatty message on FetLife to re-establish contact.  He broached the subject of the $40/hr activities first, actually, saying he’d love to play with me but is worried it might affect our friendship, as he would be my client.

In my mind, we barely have a friendship – we’ve met in person exactly twice and barely spoken since – so I don’t see that there’s any risk here.  Although the word “play” kind of raised a red flag for me.  Like did he forget that I’d only offered to babysit him while he was immobilized, or does he think that counts as play to me?

Today, via text:

Sage: How do you feel about duct tape for bondage?

Me: How does that work?  Put it over clothes?

Sage: Yes

Me: If you bring tape, I’ll use it on you.  Is it hard to get it off without damaging clothes, though?  Cut or peel?

Sage: I will wear disposable clothes.  It shoudl be possible to cut and peel tape without damaging the clothes.  But if you needed to cut the clothes, you could. [New message] Heck, you could even cut the clothes because you wanted to.  For tickling, or nipple clamps, or…

Ugh.  *Facepalm*

Me: Ah, but the price we discussed was for immobilizing you.  That Aspie stress-relief thing.  I am not entertaining going further at this time.

Sage: Thank you [He thanks me whenever I'm brutally clear about my expectations, since as an Aspie he doesn't pick up on hints.]

I decided to lay my thoughts out on the table entirely and if The Sage was hurt or repulsed and backed out of our deal, so be it.

Me: My thought process is as follows: [New message] The immobilization thing doesn’t twig my dominance, particularly.  It is not a thing I’d choose to do with someone in a scene.

Sage: Listens.

Me: Doesn’t seem unpleasant, either, but I’d be doing it to cater to your needs, and it’s a few hours I COULD be spending doing things that cater to MINE.  Hence I suggested payment.  $40/hr would leave me feeling that the time was well-spent.  Everyone’s happy. [New message] Actual PLAY…[New message] As in, stuff that gets me fired up…

Sage: You have my rapt attention for what gets you fired up. [Uggggh dude just SHUT UP...]

Me: Is something I’d only want to do when there was good chemistry with someone and it felt right.  …It’s POSSIBLE a person I don’t have that spark with could convince me to play for pay, but it would feel like I was twisting and skewing a dynamic very dear to my heart, so I’d be wanting a hell of a lot more than $40.  [New message] I don’t feel that kind of spark with you.  Possibly it will assert itself one day – we’ve only met twice, after all.  [New message] As it stands, though, I’m open to some friendly paid sitting-on-you-while-you’re-trussed-up, and not thinking further than that. [New message] Does that make sense?

Sage: It does make sense.  Thank you.  I will take you up on that.

…And then he suggested coming by this Friday when he’s done work, taking me out to Swiss Chalet so we can catch up for a bit (his treat), and then going back to my place for an hour of bondage.  I like that he was clear about paying for my meal so I didn’t have to wonder, and I like that we’ll have that “buffer zone” of being able to chat in public for a bit before we get down to business.  

Some things that are on my mind:

  • Until I looked through my blog archives just now, I had totally forgotten that I’d said “let’s just be friends” to The Sage.  I couldn’t remember how we left things – if I said I just needed a break, or what.  I also forgot most of the shit he did that irritated me until I reread my other posts about him.  Now that my memory is refreshed, I’m quite certain I will never be interested in him as a submissive or partner or whatever.  I really, really wish I hadn’t implied that it could happen.  I don’t like that I sent mixed messages.
  • Sometimes I get called in for life modelling jobs on short notice; these usually pay $60 (albeit for three hours).  It has just occurred to me that if I have to turn down modelling work because I’m already booked for that one $40 hour with The Sage, I’ll lose money.  I think in future – if we even decide to do this again – I’ll instigate a two-hour minimum with him.
  • The Sage continues to be too flirty and enthusiastic for my liking.  That thing he did before where he’d text me “*kisses*” or “*cuddles*” and I told him to please stop because it was too much?  He was doing it again in our recent text conversations.  I told him again that I’d prefer he didn’t say those things (in fairness, he may have just forgotten – we haven’t spoken since January, I think).  And then he made some comment about “working towards” hugging/snuggling, which I ignored, but srsly WTF?!

The Sage has Asperger’s syndrome (officially diagnosed).  He really, really seems to fundamentally not get how some of his behaviours come across to other people.  And it’s entirely possible that his super-huge, puppy-like enthusiasm is a byproduct of being on the spectrum (I’ve heard that Aspies often get attached to people quickly and kind of overwhelm them with interest/affection).  I am sympathetic to all of this.  And it’s true that when I tell The Sage what I want from him, he thanks me for my clarity and tells me he wants to adjust his behaviours so that I’m comfortable.  But a lot of the time, he seems to slip back into his old patterns and I have to remind him numerous times to stop it.  It’s possible that he’s just forgetful, but it’s also possible that he’s kind of a manipulative jackass.  Time will tell.  I’ll stay on my guard.

Just as an aside, I’m facepalming a lot for believing The Pedant’s claims of autism.  I’ve known some dudes on the spectrum before; they all had a very distinctive vibe.  The Pedant, though weird and awkward, frankly does not have that vibe.  The Sage does - it slapped me upside the head within five minutes of talking to him.  Unmistakeable; unquestionable.  

But The Sage could be legitimately autistic and hiding behind that fact in order to keep pushing people’s boundaries, which is why I need to be careful.

I will say this much: whether he’s repeating his mistakes by accident or on purpose, it gets to a point where I get tired of saying “Hey, remember how I said I didn’t like that?” – I’ve just sighed and ignored a few things, like that rapey “I’ll work toward hugging/snuggling” remark.  And the paranoid side of me wonders if The Sage knows people can be worn down in this way and that’s what he’s going for.

On the other hand, I think correcting him is tiring for me because I’m always trying to phrase things carefully so as not to hurt his feelings, and looking for exactly the right strategic wording stresses me out.  But I probably don’t need to.  I mean, first off there’s the fact that if someone is repeatedly doing something I said I didn’t like, they kind of deserve what they get, but also he’s on the damn autism spectrum.  Subtlety goes right over his head, anyway.  I could probably just go “NO” like I was reprimanding a begging dog and he’d be fine with it.  I’m going to try to get up the nerve to just start saying “no” or “inappropriate” when something comes up.  Saves me a lot of brain power and lets him know my wishes clearly every single time.

In a way I’m glad that my first little foray into sex work(?) is with someone kind of oblivious like that.  Issues will probably come up and catch me off-guard; if I’m momentarily flummoxed or annoyed or have to tell a lie, The Sage won’t be able to see it in my face.  I’ll be a little less vulnerable with him than I would with someone neurotypical.  And in the meantime I can figure out how best to deal with the common problems that’ll come up, and develop a cool, professional veneer to use in future.

Hey, sex workers who may be reading this: do you take your money upfront, or afterward?  And if it’s afterward, have you ever had someone pull a “whoops, I don’t have enough cash on me” to try to bargain you down for services already rendered?  I think I’ll probably ask for money upfront but maybe there are good reasons not to.  I just don’t know.

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