A “good to know” would have sufficed…

Oh, that silly Bunny.  Look how he responds to mushy things:

Me: In other news, my mind keeps going back to this one moment during the play party where I paused to pet your (clothespinned) penis briefly…

Bunny: Whyyyyyy

Me: …So silky and pretty (and damp at the end, despite or maybe because of the clothespins and paddling…[new message]…And it struck me all at once that you were immobilized and laid out all for me.  [New message] Others might admire what you were displaying, but in that moment it was all and only mine.  [New message] So fucking hot.

Bunny: Pervert. :P

Me: Also, when you knelt, took my boots off and massaged my feet I felt like the queen of the world. [New message]  The whole. Damn. World.

Bunny: Hab

Me [quite some time later, having been waylaid by errands]: Buh?

Bunny: I was too lazy to correct to Ha!

Me: Dork.

I believe The Bunny enjoys and maybe even needs these sorts of affirmations (he certainly talks a lot about how most women don’t seem to appreciate him) but he gets so flustered by praise that he has no idea how to respond to it.  I’m okay with the flippant way he acknowledges my compliments…for now.  When it becomes tedious – and I promise you, it will - I’ll address it with him.

We did specifically talk a while back about how he’s always calling me a pervert, and he confirmed that he doesn’t mean it in a slut-shaming or kink-shaming way.  He claimed he means it admiringly, actually, but I don’t buy that.  Vast areas of The Bunny’s personality appear to be built around the concepts of sarcasm and deflection, so I really just think it’s that.

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I know, I know…

Stumbled over the profile of a sub on FetLife who may have some potential.  He’s 22, and I don’t even remember the last time I had a good experience with a dude under 25, but hope springs eternal and he’s really pretty.  I mean I know the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result, but YOU HAVEN’T SEEN THIS KID’S ASS.

He’s in another city, but not too far from me…I mean same province and everything.  And most people in small cities seem to have cars, so you never know…I “loved” a few of his pics while trying to decide whether to hit on him, and lo and behold he initiated contact with me.  Just to thank me for the attention, but it was something.  With my foot firmly jammed into his door, I mentioned that what I’m looking for in a D/s dynamic seems to match his ideal D/s dynamic (as stated in his profile) pretty closely.  I said if he’s ever in my city for whatever reason he oughta hit me up and maybe we could grab a beverage and talk BDSM philosophy.

He responded in a willing and chatty fashion, and when – a few messages later – I showed him a face pic (because my profile doesn’t have one), he responded with “Nice to meet you, pretty lady!” so I guess my grizzled ol’ puss didn’t put him off any.

Also, turns out he may actually be moving near me in the fall, if he gets accepted to the school he applied to.  He told me this and I didn’t type anything but my face was like:

Image

This probably won’t turn into anything.  I know this.  But it’s still fun to daydream.

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Play party

I had a whole whirlwind of fun this week – got food poisoning (or maybe the stomach flu?) and spent a day and two nights basically sweating, sleeping, and trying not to barf.  Had to cancel a modelling shift (days and days of no work at all and I wake up pukey the one day I actually have somewhere to be) and postpone the appointment with the guy who’s doing my taxes.

The first day I felt sort of okay, The Bunny and I were scheduled to go to a play party.  It may have been ill-advised for me to go to some strenuous play after not eating for 24+ hours, but I really really wanted to go.  Plus I’d missed the last one we were supposed to go to due to not feeling well.  And, oddly, I actually felt substantially better post-tummy-bug than I did the other time, when I had to cancel – and that time I wasn’t even sick, just really underslept.  ‘Course this time around I’d slept for over 24 hours in a row, so…

The thought of hot food still made me queasy, and I had very little food in my fridge meant for serving cold.  Sadly, in my weakened, post-sick state I kept postponing going to the grocery store and by the time I’d finally rallied myself, it was closed.  I ate a small amount of cheese and hobbled slowly to the convenience store to buy an Ensure fortified drink.  I think I ate a few raisins, too.  Then I threw some clothespins, my paddle, and a bag with more cheese and raisins into a knapsack, put on a dress and some stockings (The Bunny being a hosiery aficionado) and headed out to the play party, rather surprised I could even function – usually I have to eat constantly or get all slow and wonky like a windup doll running down.

At the party, I gave the door lady my entry fee and The Bunny was like “Nope!” and grabbed it back again, slapping down his own money for both of us instead.  D’awwww. :D  I sorta wish he’d said “this is on me” ahead of time instead of making a huge show of intervening (he even saw me take the money out of my wallet ahead of time so I wouldn’t have to fumble for it!) but still.  D’awww.

Once inside, we talked about what kind of scene to do.  I told him I was pretty open to whatever – that I had clothespins and a paddle with me and wanted to use them, and that’s about it.  And The Bunny was like “I was thinking if you tied my arms behind my back and then to one of the eyebolts in the ceiling, it would hurt if I tried to get away.”  Lord have mercy.  Makes me weak in the knees when he says things like that.

He also mentioned that he was currently dressed entirely in old clothes that could destroyed (since we both looooved it when I ripped/cut his boxers off that time).  He’d brought a full head mask thingy with him, but when he tried it on for me the look of it inexplicably creeped me out and I said I’d prefer him without it.  He said okay but he’d appreciate it if I at least made a blindfold from his shirt once I cut it off him.  I asked if he’d brought the mask specifically because he didn’t want to be able to see; I can’t remember what he said.  Something that didn’t specifically answer my question.

My impression is that The Bunny is a budding exhibitionist* and kind of shy – like he loves the idea of displaying his naked body to an adoring crowd, but is afraid that in practice, the crowd won’t react with much adoration.  So he wanted to be stripped naked but not be able to see how, or whether, people were looking at him.  Fair enough.

Still in our little unobtrusive corner, The Bunny showed me how to tie his arms using rope he’d brought.  First he tied his own legs together in the way he was talking about, then he had me do it (so that his hands were free and he could help or correct me as needed), then I tied his arms in front of him, then I untied them again and we found an attach point in the ceiling and he showed me how to anchor a rope to it, then I tied his ankles together and hoisted them up and anchored them to the ceiling to make sure I knew how.  Then I felt reasonably confident in my ability to get him secured, so we took a more prominent spot and began to play in earnest.

By this time, a lot of people had arrived.  Mostly, I think, they were ignoring the various people playing and were simply milling around socializing with each other.  But this is only the impression I got in my peripheral vision; I couldn’t bear to really look around and possibly see for sure that someone was watching us.

Here’s the thing: I only came to this thing so I could take advantage of the space and equipment, and because I like watching other people play.  I myself am not an exhibitionist.  BDSM play seems almost painfully personal to me, actually, and I’m really uncomfortable with the idea of people watching me partake in it.  Especially when it involves me doing something I don’t feel very adept at, like rope work.

Long story short, I tied The Bunny’s hands behind him, anchored them to the ceiling, shredded the shirt off his body using safety scissors and blindfolded him with a piece of it, yanked his pants down to his ankles**, ripped/cut his boxers off, and attached a number of clothespins to his cock and nipples.  Then I took turns flicking/smacking the clothespins and paddling his ass and thighs for…probably forty-five minutes to an hour, overall.  It’s hard to say.  I’d frequently check in with him to make sure he was okay, and sometimes I’d kiss him a little bit or pet his cock a few times, but directly sexual stuff seemed even more personal to be doing in public and it kinda wigged me out so I kept it to a minimum.  Also I felt like spending a lot of time on teasing/making out/etc. might have frustrated the other people present who might have wanted to use the attach point (or the spanking bench directly behind me) in the same way I used to get frustrated when I’d see people standing around drinking on the dance floor of a club, or using a piece of gym equipment as a chair.  If a space is designated for specific activities, it’s only polite not to hog it up doing anything else, right?  And it felt like this space was meant for things of a more violent or tying-up nature.

For someone who’s bragged before about being stoic, The Bunny made some pretty terrific sounds.  I had him yelling.  I’ve always been somewhat tentative with impact play in the past, but this time I decided to push the envelope – hit him hard a bunch of times in the exact same place and stuff.  I did try to ramp things up slowly, though (that’s been my other problem in the past – I like to haul off and whack a guy out of the starting gate, but I’ve heard a person can usually take more pain overall if you start slowly).  So yeah.  Over the course of the scene, tapping became smacking became walloping became walloping repeatedly in exactly…the…same…spot.  Well, four or five times.  And then I’d mix it up a bit with other things.

I know it’s possible for me to become so focused in public that I completely forget there are people around - or at least stop caring.  I was hoping this would happen with The Bunny during our scene, but it never really did.  Maybe I can only lose myself like that in public when I’m being pleasured (or doing something that only involves me, like modelling), and not when I’m responsible for someone else.  Or maybe I just had first-time jitters and this will get easier at subsequent play parties.  Because I do intend to go to more of these things.

Finally, The Bunny said “Okay, red.”  Not a scream of “RED!!!” when I was in the middle of hitting him, but a soft statement when I was taking a little hiatus to pet his hair and kiss him.  So, I didn’t overwhelm him to a point where he was freaking out or anything (if I had, I would have considered it a failure on my part); he was making a calm and practical decision that it was probably time to stop.  I took off his blindfold and he smiled at me and said “Mirror, mirror, on the wall – who’s the nakedest one of all?” (we were off to the side and he was facing a wall; even without the blindfold he couldn’t see much of what was going on).  I surreptitiously looked around and determined that the nakedest person was him.  A few women were wearing tiny little g-strings n shit, but nobody else was entirely naked at that point.  

I untied The Bunny’s arms from the ceiling, guided him to his knees, undid the rest of the ropes.  The dungeon has a fridge with bottled water in it, and The Bunny requested that I get him some, which I did.

After a brief rest, we gathered our stuff up and went to the lounge area.  I sat on one of the couches and The Bunny knelt on the floor next to me, even though there was room on the couch beside me.  He began purposefully undoing and removing my boots; I thought he was aiming to take off my stockings, which I’d unhooked and shoved down into my boots before our scene began because the tension around my thighs had been driving me batty.  And he did remove my stockings and put them neatly in my knapsack…but his main purpose in taking my boots off was apparently to massage my feet.

And so I lounged on the couch while The Bunny knelt at my feet giving me a foot rub, and I felt like the queen of the entire fucking world.

In the past, he and I have debated as to whether he wants to sub to me or just bottom.  We never came to a concrete answer on that one, but from what I’ve observed, the only time he’s really seemed to give up control is during relatively vanilla sexytimes.  At those times, I can tell him what to do and he does it without ever questioning me.  Once he asked me to loosen his ass up with my fingers for a bit instead of proceeding straight to using a dong, but that’s a self-preservation issue and as such I have no problem with it.  He even asked in a very deferential way.

In a scene, The Bunny is full of suggestions, comments, and critiques.  I never feel as though he’s letting himself go, ever.  If he ever shuts up and lets me do shit to him without interjecting his opinion, I suspect it’s because I happen to be doing the things he was going to suggest anyway.

And he already told me that what appears to be service, with him, is not actually service: it’s him being a gentleman.

Somehow – more out of my own twisted “logic” than anything in reality, I think, although the fact that The Bunny doesn’t seem particularly submissive is a factor - I’d gotten it into my head that The Bunny would never want to appear to be deferring to me.  I thought he wouldn’t want people to see us together and think that I might be the boss of him.  The fact that we played publicly was pretty awesome proof to the contrary (even though, had anyone been close enough to hear him, they would have realized he was frequently trying to guide the scene and not really submitting much per se).  His kneeling and rubbing my feet was even better.

We ended up sticking around for quite a while after our playing was done, watching others play or just lazing around while The Bunny caressed or massaged me.  I began to feel extremely dazed and “out of it” – combo of my introvert self being exposed to far too many people and not having eaten a proper meal in days – but I didn’t mind quietly hanging around in the dungeon.  I ate some of my cheese and raisins to try to perk myself up, in case it was just a blood sugar thing.  Someone laid out some chopped-up veggies and The Bunny volunteered to go get me some, and also another water.  

When it was time to go, The Bunny put my socks and boots on my feet for me. :D  As we walked to the bus stop I got to talking about things I had seen and liked – “I wanna do impact play with a cane sometime!  Ooooh, and I want to do puppy play like that one couple was doing!” and I guess The Bunny wasn’t personally interested in any of those things that so enthused me because he just kept smiling indulgently and saying “We’ll find you someone.”  I kind of loved that.  Loved that he’s clear about the stuff he doesn’t want to do, because it gives me confidence that he enjoys what we do do.  Loved that he’s not threatened by me wanting things he won’t provide.  Loved the implication that he’ll actually help me find people to play with.***

On the bus, he put his arm around me.  I don’t think he’s ever done that before.  Usually he seems nervous about initiating public affection with me, and expresses his urge to touch me through skittishly poking at me or starting a Laverne-and-Shirley-style slapping fight.  Blatantly putting an arm around me was much, much nicer. :)  I snuggled into him, and when I rested one of my hands on his thigh he put his other hand on top of it. 

A young woman came onto the bus with a baseball cap that said POLICE across the front.  The Bunny murmured “Look out!  It’s the cops!  I hope you haven’t committed a crime!”

I was going to make a cheesy response about stealing his heart, but then decided that might be presumptuous andso I flipped it around instead: “Maybe I should report you for stealing my heart!”  The joke sounded awkward and stupid to me the second I said it – like I was reiterating my recent I-love-you and underlining the fact that he never said it back – but he acted perfectly normal.  He rolled his eyes and made some remark about sending me to the PUNitentiary or something, and the arm that was around me didn’t suddenly go weirdly dead or anything.

The Bunny transferred buses with me even though he lives in the opposite direction, and went all the way to my stop with me, apparently just to be a gentleman.  Possibly he was hoping I’d invite him to spend the night with me.  The thought had occurred to me, and I probably would have said yes if he’d asked me outright, but the baby carrots he’d fed me at the play party weren’t sitting right, my apartment was a mess from me having languished in illness for a couple days, and honestly I didn’t think anything could top the amazingness of the play party and bus ride so it seemed best to quit while I was ahead.

So we had some lovely kisses goodnight and went our separate ways.

Addendum: we got to texting today about the events of the party, a little bit.

Bunny [without me having asked his opinion on my style of play whatsoever]: My only observation is you did not seem to invoke much pleasure/teasing.

Me: Like, mixing up sexual stuff with the painful stuff?

Bunny: Yup.  Or even just touching a non sex organ.  [This is not entirely fair.  I did pet him and kiss him at least a little bit during the proceedings.  I tried to make sure he felt connected to me and not like a sack of flour I was hitting]  It boils down to fucking with someone’s expectations.

Me: I wanted to but that felt like SUCH private stuff to be doing in front of people.  I’ve never done anything even CLOSE to any of that in public.

Bunny: Comes in many forms.  Like just rubbing my thighs, pressing body to body.  Doesn’t mean you do fun stuff to mah dick. [He must have thought I thought he was asking me to jerk him off or something.  What I actually meant was that ANY form of teasing or sexy stuff felt kind of too intimate to be putting on display - that even the "public beating" part of the festivities was breaking brand new ground for me.]

Me: Plus I wondered if excessive sexual stuff would seem inappropriate or if people waiting for the attach point (or spanking bench behind me) would be thinking “why are you hogging the equipment if you’re just gonna make out?!?” and stuff.

Bunny: Well fuck them.  [New message] A scene is a scene.

Me [beginning to feel unfairly criticized]: Well, it’s my first time and I was having such anxiety at being watched that my legs barely worked, so I’m gonna need you to cut me some slack.  It’ll get easier with practice.

Bunny: Ah okay. :) 

I have mixed feelings about this conversation.  On one hand, it feels like he’s kinda topping from the bottom – telling me how I should have conducted our scene.  My knee-jerk reaction is “Goddammit our dynamic is that I do what I want with you, not that I cater to your whim to be sexually teased!!!”  Except I like mixing up nice touches with mean touches.  It’s actually kind of my signature move.  And part of my enjoyment of a scene comes from knowing that The Bunny is enjoying himself lots and not just sacrificing for my benefit, so it’s good that he communicated about this and that I had an opportunity to explain my uncharacteristic reticence.  I think maybe things would’ve gone over better if the conversation had started by me asking him how he felt about it all, or if he’d broached the subject by asking me what my favourite bits of the scene were (which would almost certainly cause me to ask the same question back).

At any rate, I played loudly and obviously and violently in public for the first time ever, and although I was a bit inhibited and maybe didn’t do all the things I (or he) wanted, it still felt like the experience brought The Bunny and I closer.  Things afterward felt connected and affectionate and I think we’re both looking forward to doing it again sometime. 

 

*Mostly, I get this feeling from the time we were going to go to a CBT workshop and we thought there might be a little “free practice” time at the end.  The Bunny asked me if I’d be okay with his junk being out in public for all the world to see while I tortured it.  And then asked me again like ten different times over the next few days, even though I’d said the first time that I was fine with it.  He really seemed preoccupied with the idea that people would be able to see and possibly admire his penis, or that I would be “showing off” my boy to others.  It was pretty adorable, actually.

**They seemed like perfectly good, new-looking jeans.  Not the least bit worn and not ill-fitting.  So I convinced myself I’d misheard The Bunny when he said I could shred *everything*.  Afterward he seemed disappointed I hadn’t cut them off him, though.

***It probably wasn’t a figure of speech, either.  He sometimes shows me profiles or ads from boys he thinks I might like.

 

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Belated Bday with The Bunny

So yeah, The Bunny’s bday celebration with me…let me try to remember the details.

Well, first of all, I snagged a last-minute modelling shift I couldn’t afford to pass up, so I wasn’t able to accompany The Bunny to his photoshoot thing, after all.  I also wasn’t able to bring many sexual accoutrements with me since I headed straight to his place from work and my knapsack of modelling stuff is already overstuffed.

I arrived at about 5pm.  As usual, there was a bit of an awkward settling-in period…The Bunny and I lounged around on his bed talking and then some comment I made triggered a need in him to show me a particular episode of South Park.  Then – I can’t remember how, but it’s a safe guess The Bunny casually caressed a bit of my exposed skin and I immediately melted and needed to grant him more access – I ended up naked.  He probably did, too, but I don’t specifically recall.

Caresses led to cunnilingus.  I like the way The Bunny goes down on me, although I can’t orgasm from it (yet?).  When he gets into a good groove – a method and motion that seems like it could get me off – he can’t maintain it long enough.  Also I think my masturbatory habits have made my junk resistant to other kinds of stimulation, and/or my whole wonky sex drive issue messes things up…I dunno.  At any rate, The Bunny got me turned on enough that I asked him to retrieve the Hitachi, intending to have him bring me to the edge that way and then take over again with his mouth.  But it quickly became obvious to me that the intense, slightly numbing stimulation of the Hitachi would render me almost unable to feel The Bunny’s mouth afterward so I abandoned the idea of “tagging him in.”

Usually, by the way, I’m the one wielding the Hitachi when The Bunny and I are together.  I have a specific way I like it done and in the past, The Bunny kept straying from my instructions and I just took over rather than having to constantly correct him (it’s ridiculous, really, because my instructions are just “here’s the spot I like stimulated.  Press the Hitachi there with medium pressure and wiggle it back and forth” – it’s not difficult).  But this time I decided I wanted to lie back and be attended to without having to do any “work” (aside from my habitual straining and bucking, which actually left my entire lower body crazy sore the next day).  

So I coached The Bunny through getting me off once, giving me a little break to recharge, then getting me off again.  The first time, my reaction to coming was uncontrollable laughter.  The second time, The Bunny took it upon himself to relentlessly mash the Hitachi against me as I came, which extended my climax in an intense and almost painful way.  When I’ve gotten myself off, I’ve always instinctively backed off from stimulation a little bit as I began to come, sensing that going harder – or even continuing the same way I had been – would probably be too much for me to handle.  I still don’t think I’d want to inflict that on myself.  But when The Bunny (or, before him, The Pedant) does it, it’s kind of interesting.  I always think the stimulation will “short me out” and curtail the orgasm but instead it’s like I break through to the other side…I dunno, it’s hard to explain.  But the experience left me on the verge of tears (not upset tears, just my-body-is-overwhelmed tears…the exact same feeling manifests itself as laughter at other times) and feeling completely vulnerable.

As I lay there, sniffling and shuddering and waiting for The Bunny’s ceiling to come back into focus, The Bunny came up (he’d been kneeling next to my hip) and kissed me and then just kind of stayed there, looking into my eyes.  Being there for me so I wasn’t going through this vulnerability all alone.  And suddenly my weepy feelings pendulumed in the other direction and became a giggle fit.  “There it is,” The Bunny said, grinning at me.

When I’d mostly recovered myself, I started thinking about what I’d like to do to The Bunny.  He pointed out that it was 8:30 already and there was still dinner to be cooked for me – he was totally willing to skip his own gratification in order to feed me. :)  I thought about it and ultimately decided that Bunnygasms took priority.  I could feed myself once I got home, but I wouldn’t be able to play with a real live cock.  So yeah.

I had The Bunny frog-tie his own legs and then I went hunting for his Njoy Pure Wand because I wanted to do things to his ass.  I couldn’t find his wand or his lube, and when I asked where they were he pretended he didn’t know.  “Oh well,” I said.  “I guess if I can’t find those, I’ll have to bring out the 24-pack of clothespins I brought with me, instead…”

“Beside me!  Beside me!” The Bunny said in mock panic, and indeed I did find both wand and lube half-buried in a laundry basket next to the bed.

Wanding The Bunny’s ass is incredibly fascinating to me (so much so that I’ve since bought a Pure Wand of my own so we’ll have one on hand no matter where sexytimes are had).  

I slid the lubed toy slowly inside him to the spot he’d enjoyed most the last time (halfway in, so at least four inches, which doesn’t make sense to me because his prostate is only two or three inches in…).  As I began to thrust it in and out, he moaned and his hand moved to his cock, but I slapped it away – I wanted to see where things would go if he wasn’t getting the usual kind of stimulation he’d need in order to come.

…Then a few minutes later I changed my mind and started jerking him off myself, synching each stroke and thrust.  The Bunny soon started squirming and straining and making the most delightful sounds, and – this was so very intriguing to me – I started feeling a steady rivulet of liquid flowing over the fingers of the hand that was jerking him off, even though he wasn’t orgasming per se.  The Bunny is normally the type who steadily leaks pre-cum during sexual activity, but not nearly that much.

It seemed like things were getting really good for him, but then he told me to stop and withdraw.  I did, and saw that there was a pretty substantial puddle of thick white goo on his belly.  And yet his sounds hadn’t made the kind of crescendo I associate with climaxing.  “…What happened there?”  I asked.

The Bunny said that things had been feeling really good, and then he felt a growing urge to pee.  “I’m pretty sure that’s actually a sign of an impending prostate orgasm,” I interjected, “I think it works kinda like when women squirt.”  The Bunny said he thought the same thing, and made the conscious decision to let go and if it turned out to be pee then oh well.  But it…misfired, or something.  He got a bunch of pulsations but not an orgasm.

Oh, man.  Witnessing all of this was just miraculous…like watching an adorable baby deer get up on its trembling, rubbery legs and learn to walk, only MINDBENDINGLY HOT.  I would imagine that if we keep at it, I’ll refine my wanding technique and The Bunny will learn how to process the stimulation I’m giving him and let go of any inhibitions he might be having, and then…KAPOW.  Perhaps he’ll even be capable of prostate orgasms without any penile contact at all, which is kind of my holy grail of wank fodder.

Anyway, The Bunny then started jerking off to try to pursue that missed orgasm.  I petted and kissed him and surreptitiously kept my hand on the Hitachi; when he came, I switched the Hitachi on full blast and mashed it against the head of his cock while he screamed and thrashed and tried to get away.  Because turnabout is fair play, and also because being overstimulated through and after an orgasm is a thing The Bunny has specifically expressed interest in.  I’d tried once before, actually, to nice effect.

And it gave him a laughing fit.  Just like the post-orgasmic laughter I get.  I’ve never seen that happen to a guy before.  I pinched his cheek and said “Awww, does you have a case of da gigglez?” and he just cackled even harder.

Eventually, he checked the time: still only 9:30.  I was working early the next morning, but decided that I could still get enough sleep to function if I left The Bunny’s place by 11pm.  Which meant there would be time for food. :)

He made me a BBQ chicken breast with rice noodles (because I can’t have gluten) and a homemade cheese sauce (thickened with corn starch instead of wheat flour).  Goddamn, I love it when someone cooks me food personalized to my needs and tastes.  Yum yum yum.  Dessert was a little cup of berry pie filling set aside during his last baking spree (before he added flour to thicken it), heated up in a little ramekin and served with vanilla ice cream on top.  And he gave me a second helping to take home with me.  And he had a couple of bottles of juice (expensive juice; the all-fruit smoothie type things that are like $6/jug) that he sent me home with, too.

I left The Bunny’s apartment with a sated sex drive, a full belly and a knapsack laden with goodies, feeling thoroughly cared for.  Consummate gentleman that he is, The Bunny walked me to my transit stop; along the way we had that discussion I recapped in more detail in a previous post, where basically I reiterated that I love him and he expressed that he’s okay with that (but is apparently not prepared to say it back).

To be honest, at that moment it didn’t matter that he didn’t say it back.  I was too full of delicious warm berry pie filling to care.

Good birthday. :)

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Unexpected Bunny Time

Just a day or two after our birthday get-together, The Bunny texted me asking if I’d come to a munch with him that night.  Then, perhaps remembering that my default state is “hermit” and I generally feel awkward as hell trying to mingle with strangers, he offered to pay my bus fare for added incentive.  Sold.

The venue was walking distance from The Bunny’s apartment; I went to his place first so he could change and get ready and we could walk over together.  When I texted to say I was almost there, he asked me if I’d eaten.  I texted back “not enough” which is true – I’d had a salad before leaving the house but was hungry again already.  And so when I arrived he had some chicken heating up for me. :)

The Bunny and I almost never kiss or hug hello when I arrive.  I don’t usually get a vibe that he wants me to, so I don’t initiate.  Maybe he’s thinking the same thing, for all I know.  We actually got all through dinner and left the apartment without touching at all.  And yet, on our way to the munch he started playfully poking me* and I grabbed his hand under the pretence of making him stop; he kept on holding my hand for quite some time after that.

I believe this is the first time he and I had gone to an event whose purpose was to mingle.  I’m the kind of person who can’t initiate conversation with a stranger, but will respond to contact in a friendly and fairly loquacious manner (although sometimes I run out of things to say).  The Bunny, though, barely made a peep all night.  As I chatted with other people, I reached out to touch The Bunny so he wouldn’t feel ignored; he immediately took my hand and squeezed/caressed it.  He was touching me in some fashion or other for pretty much the rest of the night.  At one point, during a lull where nobody was hanging out with us, I leaned in and pecked him on the cheek and he extended this into several lingering kisses on the mouth…raaawr.  It’s so lovely to have someone who is actually willing to look like a couple with me.  I hated how standoffish The Pedant used to be when we were in public.

After the munch, The Bunny bought me not two, but four bus tickets.  The other two apparently are so I can get to and from the play party we’re going to in a few days.  I never ask anyone to pay my way, and will never agree to go anywhere unless I can afford it, but modeling jobs are running thin lately and spending money stresses me out.  It’s sweet that The Bunny picked up on this and is trying to take away some of that stress.

Oh, tangent: I want to write a separate blog post about our belated celebration of my birthday the other night (which was amazing!), but I don’t have time right now.  But I have to mention what happened at the end.

After a bunch of sex and an absolutely fabulous home-cooked meal, The Bunny walked me to the bus stop.  On the way there, he said “So, I guess there’s no easy way to broach this…” and I thought he was going to bring up the fact that I recently told him I loved him for the first time.  But no, he wanted to tell me he’s taken up shooting as a hobby, and now has a firearm license and a gun.  How random.

But I did need to know a bit more about where I stood with the whole L-bomb thing.  So while we were broaching difficult subjects, I said “Hey, when I texted that I love you, did it freak you out?”

The Bunny immediately said no.

“Okay.  Because I wasn’t kidding when I said it – “

“I know,” The Bunny interjected.

“- But it doesn’t mean I wanna marry you, either.”

“I know.”

We reached the bus stop, and I turned to face him.  The expression on his face was…receptive?  Vulnerable?  He seemed happy that I had these feelings for him; I didn’t sense any panic or an urge to flee.  But he didn’t say anything more, either.  I kissed him and changed the subject.

It didn’t escape my notice that although he said he wasn’t freaked out by my feelings, he had clearly been trying to hustle me through that conversation as fast as he could, basically going “Yup uh-huh I know it’s okay I know yup” the whole time I was talking.  I think he was just afraid that I’d ask him point-blank if he felt anything back, and he can’t or won’t say the words.  I believe that he feels the same thing for me that I do for him, though, even if he can’t say it or labels it with a different word.

So apparently he knew I wasn’t kidding when I said I loved him, and yet he lavished effort and attention on me for my birthday anyway – he didn’t get all weird and distant or anything.  And on the night of the munch - after I had reiterated my feelings in person - he continued being sweet and attentive and acting couple-y in public.

I think we’re okay. :)

 

*The Bunny seems pretty terrified of making himself vulnerable.  He can’t even say “Happy birthday” or “thanks for coming over” sincerely – he has to ham it up by putting on a silly voice.  Likewise, I think initiating certain kinds of physical affection scares him because of the possibility of being shot down.  So instead of holding my hand or caressing me in public, he’ll poke or slap me.  He needs to pretend he’s just kidding around.  But if I express physical affection toward him, he reciprocates immediately.

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Birthday blues

The Bunny and I were supposed to celebrate my birthday this Friday.  We didn’t have any firm plans – basically, I told him I was free in the afternoon/evening and he said he thought he was too but had to check.

Today he was all “so what are these birthday plans?” I asked him if we are in fact on for Friday (because he never did confirm).  He said yes, he knows about the seeing each other on Friday part, he wants to know the details now of what I wanna do.  I proposed coming to his place for about 2pm and he said he actually wouldn’t be home at that time because he had a photoshoot.  (A friend is taking pics of him.  To showcase his…beard?  I don’t know.  He didn’t explain coherently.)  

I haven’t been sleeping well lately so I’m all kinds of fucked up.  I honestly can’t tell whether The Bunny is being kind of a dick right now.  I had said, originally, that I was free in the afternoon/evening if he wanted to get together, and he’d said he would check and then confirmed today that he was free.  2pm – the time I proposed coming over – is the afternoon.  And he is not free.  WTF?

Incidentally, I work first thing the next morning so I can’t be out late, and I find that when sexing is involved The Bunny and I need a lot of time.  Six hours can blink right by.  That’s why I wanted to come over at 2pm – so I could hang out over there until like 9pm and still get home in time to wind down and get a good amount of sleep.  Although I didn’t say those things out loud so maybe he’s not a horrible person for not telling me he had these plans (and/or making them on a day when I wanted to see him; I’m not sure what the chronology is here).

Anyway, he said he should be home by 4pm and I told him, honestly, that I’m not sure what to do because usually when someone “stacks” time with me on top of another social engagement, I end up waiting around like an idiot while they intermittently text me that they’re almost done, they’ll be there soon, no, for real this time, etc.

He then invited me to come along on the photoshoot.  My initial gut reaction was “Hey, he’s okay with me meeting his friends!  That’s probably a good sign, relationship-wise.”  Plus it would certainly eliminate the issue of me waiting around on his porch or something for him to be done and get his ass home.  My second thought was “I haven’t been feeling too special lately and now, on my birthday celebration of all days, he’s inviting me along on a thing he was doing anyway.”  Not that he’s replacing our together-time with this, mind you; I assume when photos are done we’ll go back to his place and we’ll focus on me.  But still.

I have a thing about birthdays.  I don’t expect or even really care about gifts, and I often don’t care that much about celebrating.  But if you are close to me and I ask you to celebrate with me, I expect you to motherfucking do it unless there are extenuating circumstances.  One day a year, I want my people to make a big effort to see me if I ask.  I want them to make me a priority.  One damn day a year.

I have ended friendships over someone pulling an “Oh, I’ve had a rough day at work, I don’t really feel like going out” on me the day we were supposed to go out for my birthday.  This is a subject that puts me in turmoil.

Plus I’m feeling kinda vulnerable from having told The Bunny my feelings recently (even if he did think I was kidding, which I’m starting to think is the case), plus I haven’t had a decent night’s sleep in weeks…I’m just generally feeling prickly as all hell.

So, this thing where The Bunny can’t see me as early as I want because he’s doing a thing with a friend, which I don’t know if he scheduled before or after I said “let’s hang out Friday,” and now he’s invited me to come along – shitty or not-shitty?  I have no perspective at all right now.

 

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Well, that escalated quickly.

I have some Bunny texts I want to record for posterity (…is why I started writing this entry.  But stay tuned for a giant plot twist!!!!!!!1!).

Tonight he was going on and on about some chick he messaged on FetLife a while back.  Apparently she’d put a personal ad up looking for friends/mentors/etc. to talk about D/s with, and he volunteered himself in that capacity.  The conversation trailed off though and he’s seen her put up a few more ads since (the latest more partner-oriented, not that it matters).  He kept on telling me that this confused him and I kept basically saying “Dude, it’s pretty obvious that for whatever reason, you’re not what she was looking for.  So she stopped talking to you and put up ads looking for more people.  I do not see where your confusion lies.”  Then he went off on a tangent about how he just wishes people would be honest, which (when I questioned what he meant by this) boiled down to him wanting to be explicitly rejected, in words, rather than rejected in the fucking obvious and common way of just having the conversation end.  I don’t understand why anyone would want someone to go out of their way to say “I DO NOT WANT YOU,” but whatever.

At one point he said “Ps, mature women are awesome.  You’re the bestest since you only seem to stop talking to people when they get incurable stupids.”  The Bunny’s main issue with the aforementioned FetLife chick seems to be that her initial ad only asked for friends, and he offered friendship, and she didn’t take it.  He seems to have the attitude of “I wasn’t being creepy so why wouldn’t she talk to me?” (which is fallacious because most people do need some kind of conversational chemistry even for friendship – it is entirely feasible that The Bunny just didn’t appeal to this chick even in a friend way).  Anyway, his compliment sounds like it’s saying “Yay for you, you’ll keep on making conversation even if it’s boring the shit out of you, as long as the guy isn’t actually being a douche” but I think what he meant was that he likes that I’m open to friendship.  I don’t need a dude to be hot in order to talk to me.

Anyhoo, then The Bunny started railing about the dating scene in general – how he’s talked to a dozen women in the last month but nothing went anywhere, and how he bakes for god’s sake and “if you could have cupcakes any time you wanted, at home, in bed, at like 3am, would you not get on that shit?”  I said maybe the women in question don’t care about baked goods.  Or want a guy who bakes but is blonde.  Or tall.  Or Asian.  Or whatever – my point being that people want certain things and they are allowed to want them.

Honestly, The Bunny’s rants were starting to get repetitive.  He seemed like he was dwelling on the negative in a way that was not productive.  Also, the conversation was kinda boring me.  So:

Me:  So, you know I empathize and am supportive of your quest to get banged by many ladies…but after a certain point it feels bizarre that you’re acting like dating is hopeless and sad TO THE PERSON WHO’S DATING YOU.  I have reached my quota for now.  Suck up to me and tell me why I’m awesome.

The Bunny’s phone apparently can only hold so many text messages, and when it reaches its limit, it crashes or something…he has to delete a bunch of stuff to be able to text again and it takes a while.  Evidently he was so anxious for me to know he wasn’t ignoring my request for compliments that he both FetLife messaged me and called me to let me know it was just a technical issue keeping him from texting back.  His phone call confused me mightily because normally he only calls me to leave wank voicemails and his wanking process takes a while; he would not normally be able to leave me a WankMail just five minutes after having a conversation with me.  Or maaaaybe he could if it were a sexy conversation, but obviously this one was not.  But no, when I confusedly dialled into my voicemail it was just him saying “My texts are full!  That’s why I haven’t replied!”

When The Bunny regained his ability to text:

Bunny: It’s not a quest to get banged by many ladies.  It’s a quest to meet people and then maybe be banged.

Me: Not the point. :P

Bunny: However I am sorry if I have made this awkward and come across as crass/crude. [New message] And I did mention your awesomeness. [New message]   However, dropping the D word! :O  [New message] There will be a voicemail shortly. [I want MOAR talk about how great I am, though...is he avoiding this?]

Me: Meh, I’m not super upset or anything.  Just reminding you I’m not chopped liver…also it was starting to seem like you were focusing on the negative in an unproductive way.  [New message] Yay voicemail!!!  [New message] The new ringtone makes your wanking SUPER dramatic btw.  Such gravitas.

Bunny: All in all, I just like meeting people a fraction as awesome as you. [New message] Again, you’re mature (regardless of how immature you act), you communicate (even when you’re getting frustrated by me) and stuff ‘n’ things.  [Damn.  That's more like it!]

Then he randomly texted me a hilariously dorky picture of his cat that had me laughing until I could barely breathe.  A while after that, he left me that voicemail.

We chatted a bit more about random shit, and then it suddenly caught up to me that the “D-word” he acted shocked over was “dating.”

Me: Why the shocked face at me “dropping the d-word” btw?

Bunny: Messing with you. [I do not know what to think about this.  Was he messing with me?  Or was he subtly telling me he would not use that particular word to describe what we're doing, but then backpedalled when he thought I might be mad?  And then it struck me that if he IS in a headspace where he thinks of us as something less than dating, I might as well know now.  So...]

Me: I was gonna say…if THAT freaked you out then dropping the L-bomb would make you shit yourself…which would be hilarious, if somewhat insulting…

Bunny: Lol.

Me: Hey, Bunny.  I love you.

Bunny: D’aww. [New message] I love lamp. [New message] I love window. [New message] I love cable.

…Which, actually, brings us up to seven minutes ago.  I have not responded to his jackassery and deflection.  I’m kinda curious to see if an awkward silence will scare some kind of truth out of him.  So far, it’s looking like no.

My read on the situation is that he’s not wanting to bolt or anything, but he’s not ready to say the word back, either.  All of which is fine.  I’m just gonna leave it alone for now.  I’ve told him how I feel, and that’s good enough.

And, fine, I just broke the text-silence with a silly emoticon so he knows I’m not mad or anything.

 

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April 7, 2014 · 4:20 am