Dandette to the rescue

This morning Dandette and I were chatting and I told her that my day yesterday had been spent in a horrible spiral of being too tired to get out of bed but too guilty to go to sleep (she did not know that because what it looked like from the outside was me idly surfing the ‘net all day). I used the phrase “my brain screams at me that I’m a lazy asshole and I need to get up and accomplish things.” Dandette said “you’re not lazy or an asshole. It’s okay to need to sleep. Look, today your job is to lounge in bed, okay? And take a nap if you need to.”

See? I didn’t even spell out for her the part where I need permission to sleep, and she got it. Whereas even when I specifically told The Dandy what would help me yesterday, he didn’t do it.

Why does he suck so hard?

 

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Is he buying me?

My ex husband was a terrible communicator. But he financially supported me when he was able – like actually told me “I have a job now that pays well, and I know you don’t like working, so you can quit if you want to.” This was not a barter; this wasn’t “I’ll earn the money and you can take care of the house.” This was him just telling me I could not-work if I wanted. So I not-worked for a while, and I was way more depressed n shit than I am now so really I just spent all day staring at the wall. He politely ignored this. Did not guilt trip me whatsoever.

Years after we divorced, I mentioned on FB that I needed a new laptop and asked for brand and spec recommendations and ex-husband bought me a Macbook. It just showed up in the mail one day.

The Pedant can’t say he loves me and is all emotionally weird n shit. He pays for a lot of things for me.

The Dandy is a selectively terrible communicator who has a hard time saying mushy stuff or giving compliments. He pays for all my food, internet, and Netflix and is willing to subsidize my portion of the rent if need be.

I just realized that when I try to picture a guy who’s open and communicative and is willing to go to couples therapy if one-on-one discussions aren’t fixing issues well enough, and also he cheerfully offers to support me…I can’t do it. Those two things don’t seem to go together.

Now, maybe that’s just me having a limited imagination. But I’m very much starting to wonder if, in fact, being willing to sacrifice for a partner financially tends to go hand-in-hand with kinda having your head up your ass. Like, do these guys all know they’re emotionally stunted and they’re trying to compensate for it? Is this like “Sorry I make you do an infuriating amount of emotional labour just to stay sane in the relationship and kind of almost get your needs met. Ummm can I order you a pizza or something?”

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I think I’ve ranted about this before but

I’m fairly sure my depression, anxiety, etc don’t really affect the people around me much (well, provided the people around me aren’t die-hard extroverts who want me to call them on the phone or go to parties all the time with them). I’m not mood-swingy or mean. My sex drive doesn’t drop. I just spend a lot of time silently freaking out inside my head.

And although I’m glad that my mental crap doesn’t make life hard for my friends and partners, I am increasingly realizing that this is a double-edged sword: my anxiety and depression don’t look like much of anything, so people don’t realize it’s happening. And since part of my mental issues are that my brain constantly tells me I’m a faker and a drama queen and it can’t really be that bad, I’m not really able to say “Dandy, shit inside my head is going seriously sideways. I feel like I’m drowning. Please help me, right now.” At most I’ll manage to say “ummm I’m not having a very good day” and The Dandy (or whoever) will say “awwww” and then move on without asking if there’s anything I need. And because he didn’t really express concern I figure he can’t have seen anything too terribly wrong with me, so this just confirms that I’m being a drama queen over nothing.

It took me a while to realize it but I am not doing well today. I don’t think I’ve been doing well for a long time. I’m angry and paranoid all the time. I can’t sleep and it’s driving me mad.

I tried to tell The Dandy today that I’m not okay. I told him that I get into a loop of sorts, sometimes – and I’m in one now – where I haven’t slept well and it’s made me all lethargic and grouchy and killed my attention span so I can’t get up and do anything, but I can’t let myself sleep, either, because my brain is busy screaming at me that I’m a stupid lazy asshole who should get up and do something. I even went so far as to tell him that I think it would help a lot for someone to “give me permission” to sleep. And hopefully also to spoon me for a bit and pet my head so my anxiety brain will slow down enough to let me sleep. Yeah, I didn’t blatantly tell The Dandy to do those things. I feel like I’ve already pushed my luck with him by getting him to give me an orgasm earlier. He’s in hardcore Watching YouTube Videos About Swords mode and usually gets angry at interruption. But I put the thought out there in case he wanted to help me.

Instead he just said “That sounds unpleasant” in a sympathetic tone and went back to the computer. He didn’t even bother saying “Yes, you should sleep, it’s okay to sleep” like I said I needed. It’s not like saying that would have taken up a lot of sword video time. He could have said it instead of “that sounds unpleasant” in fact, and broken even.

And I just…I’m feeling kind of angry. I feel like I’m in the middle of a lake drowning, watching The Dandy puttering around on the shore, and I’m waving frantically to try to get his attention and he cheerily waves back, thinking I’m just swimming.

And I’ve told him that I need him to take me more seriously when I tell him I’m not well or need help. I’ve told him that Dandette may want to be left alone when she’s spinning out, but what I need is to feel cared for and validated and usually also I’ll have some concrete actions a person could do that would help me, so can he please remember that.

But here we are.

It’s not anyone’s responsibility to save me but me. If The Dandy doesn’t want to take time away from the computer to spoon me to sleep, I get that, I guess. What I’m stuck on is that I explicitly said that maybe someone granting me “permission” to sleep might help me, and he didn’t do even that. He didn’t say a few words to me that I expressly told him I wanted to hear that might make my quality of life better. And what does this mean about him? Is he obtuse or not listening or does he not understand or does he not care? Like…I can’t…even…

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Renewed

By the way, a friend of The Dandy’s family died recently and the funeral was the day before our scheduled Thanksgiving ‘do so he drove out to his mom’s place on Friday night, did the funeral on Saturday, and drove his mom back here with him for Sunday afternoon so we could do the food thing.

As you know if you’ve been reading this blog a while, I’ve been having doubts about my relationship with The Dandy lately. I’ve been feeling not-so-into him and it seemed pretty mutual.

But my guess is that it really is the near-constant together-time that’s been harshing his buzz (and maybe mine, too) because when arrived here again with his mom, I was suddenly attracted to him again – he came through the door and all his pretty just whapped me full in the face. During a private moment I briefly cupped his junk and said “I want a piece of this later.” At the time he did his awkward chuckle thing and I thought “Well fuck, I guess he’s not into it” but we did indeed have sex later – even though his mom had stayed over in Dandette’s room. God, I envy The Dandy’s ability to come so silently. Meanwhile I knew that I’d have to go wanting because I require the Hitachi to get off and that fucker sounds like a jet engine. But I decided to make the sacrifice. I did tell The Dandy I wanted him to make it up to me the next day (and explicitly added “…By Hitachi-ing me until you have to peel me off the ceiling” and he said okay).

So, I straddled The Dandy, figuring we’d just start fucking pretty much from a cold start as usual (well, cold for me – I’d been sucking his cock before then). But before I could get a condom out, he started stroking my breasts. Lightly and with focus, not halfassedly rubbing his hand back and forth on my skin. His fingertips moved around my ribcage and up my back and my eyes were pretty much rolling back in my head. Of course he gives me foreplay during the one sexual encounter where he knows I can’t come… *facepalm.*

Every time I managed to open my eyes between little moments of ecstasy, The Dandy was looking at me. Not staring off into space or lying there with his eyes closed like he normally does. He was fully engaged with watching my reactions, and I swear he even had that starstruck look that men have given me when they’re mesmerized by how beautiful they think I am. I was giving it right back because good lord did he look good to me in that moment. “You’re so pretty,” I murmured.

I didn’t say it to hear it back, but after a few seconds The Dandy gave a little twitch, as though goosed by the idea that he needed to respond in kind, and said “So are you. Or at least, I like looking at you.” It’s…odd that he modified his compliment like that. I kind of wanted to know what he meant by that. But I decided not to pursue it because hey, he had that starstruck look on his face and that’s all I really wanted. I don’t care if he thinks I legit look like a supermodel or if he thinks I’m average-looking but his feelings for me make me look hot; I only care that he gives me that look where he seems absolutely entranced by my face. It’s been a while since anyone’s given me that; unsure if bad partner selection or if there are just flat-out fewer men who find me attractive now that I’m middle-aged.

So I responded to his at-least-I-like-looking-at-you with “Nothing else matters.”

I got a front-row seat on his orgasm, which looked like a good one and began really abruptly, without the four or five deep breaths that would usually precede it. One minute I was thrusting away while he lay under me dead silent and the next he was orgasm-breathing and throwing his head back with just the most ecstatic expression. And giggling – when he has a good orgasm, he always gets the giggles, kinda like me. And afterward we talked and laughed til late into the night in a way we haven’t in ages, and he petted me some more – adeptly. So…maybe he does know how I like to be touched. His default setting is to rub my skin instead of giving the slight, tickly touch that I like, and I always, always have to say “lighter” several times and usually he still doesn’t change it. I’ve wondered whether this is just another area where he started off aiming to impress but then took me for granted and stopped trying; when we were first dating, he did touch me lightly, and focused on my reactions and revisited the areas that made me moan the hardest and stuff. Only once I was firmly emotionally invested did I start having to ask to be touched and he’d just plunk his hand on me while staring off into the middle distance and not paying any attention to my reactions.

Anyway.

The next morning (ie a few hours ago) I woke up and looked over and The Dandy was sound asleep on his back, pitching an adorable tent under the sheet. Well actually at first I wasn’t sure if it was a fold or a trick of the eye or something so I gave it a little grope to be sure. This woke him up and I ended up fucking him again* (mentioning to him that the previous round had given me sex dreams all night because I was all backed up for orgasms, and reminding him that I was gonna really really want some attention from him once his mom was gone). It was fun. As he got close to coming he seemed to be whispering under his breath, his lips barely moving. I’ve heard him do this during sex before, come to think of it. I’m dying to know what he’s saying but I expect he has no idea he’s doing any of this so if I ask about it he’ll draw a blank.

We then showered and dressed and put in some obligatory hangout time with his mom, and then The Dandy drove her to the train station. Dandette went out for a cigarette during this time so I quick-fast relieved my tension with the Hitachi while I had the chance. I would have preferred to break that particular fast with The Dandy but I had a feeling that despite my slightly exaggerating how pent up and desperate I was (I was a bit pent up and I did have sex dreams all night because of not getting any release, but things weren’t at critical levels…yet) The Dandy would not arrive back home and go “Okay! Get in that bedroom ’cause I’m gonna rock your world!

And indeed, I was right. When he got back he went straight to the living room to watch YouTube videos about swords. Seems kinda rude for him to do that when, as far as he knew, I was all backed up. He wouldn’t have known that Dandette went for a smoke while he was driving his mom home. And he knows that I don’t feel comfortable masturbating with Dandette within earshot (she was lounging in her bedroom which is right next to ours). I barely feel comfortable getting off with him when she’s within earshot. Which is one reason why I didn’t go grab him from the living room and be like “Yo, it’s time.” I didn’t want her to realize we’d sneakily had sex so close to his mom (twice!); I didn’t want her to feel like I was monopolizing The Dandy’s sexual attention; I didn’t want her to feel jealous and bitter that I was dragging him into the bedroom just for him to get me off when he hasn’t given her an orgasm since January. If he’d come in and volunteered his services (even with her right next door) I would have said yes, though.

Later, though, The Dandy happened to come into the bedroom to see what I was up to just as Dandette went out for a smoke. I pointedly said “Hey, sounds like we have the place to ourselves for the next ten minutes or so.” He said nothing (admittedly I didn’t wait super long) so I waggled my eyebrows until he caught my gist (if he hadn’t before). He smiled and nodded – a little limply, it seemed to me; not with much enthusiasm. Or maybe I’m just being paranoid. But he did get me off. He had that issue, again, with drifting the Hitachi away from my clit at key moments, so the process took substantially longer than it really needed to. Which is not the most horrifying thing ever except I’ve never really felt that The Dandy likes getting me off and I don’t want to sort of justify his boredom by taking a really long time. I could have come within seriously two minutes or less if he’d kept his movements consistent, but as it stood I took at least five. Afterward I once again stressed (tactfully, in a nonchalant tone) that it’s important to keep the Hitachi against the shaft of my clit and not drift off elsewhere. Once again he said that it’s just so harrrrrrrd. I am losing patience with this. We’ve recently switched from using the side of the (sort of barrel-shaped) head of the Hitachi on me to him kneeling between my legs and applying the flattened top surface to me; that way a lot more vibrating surface area is in contact with me, so there’s a lot more of a margin for error (vs using the rounded side where he’s contacting me with a much smaller area). But he still wanders up so high on my mons that all he’s vibrating is bone. And I don’t feel like I can sit him down and be like “Yeah no dude you need. To pay. ATTENTION” because he has a bunch of baggage from his exes yelling at him over not doing sexual stuff “right.”

Oh shit it just occurred to me: maybe his exes weren’t unduly mean to him, as I’ve been assuming. Maybe he kept halfassing things despite their continued polite encouragement and instructions and they finally got fed up, like I am.

On a side note: I love love love the idea of “using” a guy sexually, to a point where sometimes if a partner is trying to get me off and my body isn’t cooperating I’ll start thinking “this man exists only to give me pleasure. Nothing else about him is useful or relevant. His needs and personhood don’t matter” and KAPOWWWWWWWW.

But the guy has to want to be used. He needs to have that tangible vibe of wanting to be of service to me and of entering a focused, almost meditative state when he’s touching me. Noticing every little twitch and breath. Continually refining what he’s doing in search of more twitches, deeper breaths, moans, howls. If a guy doesn’t seem deeply into my pleasure like that, getting him to get me off feels more like a dental procedure or something. Clinical. I can’t get into my “you’re not even a person, just a thing I use to hold my vibrator” fantasy with The Dandy lately because I’m so certain he’s just Hitachi-ing me because I told him to.

I really, really need to find myself a man who wants to be my sex toy. Like, sincerely wants to do whatever I want and whatever works for me, and loves discovering my body and how it works.

But to acquire this, I really will need my own room.

I also want to be away from The Dandy more often so we have time to miss each other and maybe the sex will be good like it was last night. This, too, will require my own room.

God I hope a three-bedroom place opens up soon.

 

*Just noting for posterity: I was stroking his cock and then had to pee so I said “I’m going to go to the bathroom. When I get back, I want you scootched to the centre of the bed because reasons.” This is exactly the sort of thing I say to The Pedant when I’m topping/domming him – same tone and everything. And The Dandy took no objection to it whatsoever. Later, he was standing at the foot of the bed in his pajama pants and I indicated (as I often have) that I wanted him to display his cock for my admiration. I indicated this with a slightly bossy and dismissive “pants down now” hand gesture. He had no problem with that, either. It’s intriguing, the seemingly arbitrary things he bristles at because he feels bossed around and the other things I do that I would think would offend him, but don’t.

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Family

The Dandy’s mom and aunt came over here for Thanksgiving dinner and were totally normal about our weird quasi-triad situation and that makes me so happy.

More context: if I recall correctly, The Dandy assumed his family would be the “don’t tell me, I don’t want to know” type with regards to our household arrangement. So I don’t think he intended to blatantly “come out” to them per se, but he wasn’t going to hide anything, either; ie there would be no pretending that one of us was his girlfriend and the other was not. A while back, he was at a big family gathering and he was mentioning both me and Dandette in conversation and some cousin or something said “So which of these girls are you dating?*” and The Dandy said “Both” and evvvvvveryone went silent and studiously avoided the subject after that.

I sort of thought that the discomfort factor would mean that The Dandy’s family would never want to put themselves in a position where they saw the three of us together. Apparently not. Apparently it just means that they don’t want details. So his mom and aunt came over and said nothing (not even a flinch or a distasteful expression or anything, I looked) when the three of us showed affection toward each other. I think they’ve accepted us. They’re octogenerians and one of them is an ex-nun but they’ve turned out to be really quite progressive.

 

*I was not present for this gathering so I can’t say for sure how things went down, but it sounds like all The Dandy did was indicate that he was living with the two of us (and possibly the cousin knew that he and Dandette had dated at one time). So the cousin even asking which one he was dating – like we couldn’t all just be roommates – is pretty presumptuous. I regret nothing about him being made uncomfortable for asking his dumb question.

 

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Sex talk

Dandette has said that she loves glass dildos. She thinks they’re pretty. I also know that she likes stuff with an octopus or tentacle theme. So I just ordered her one of these for Christmas. I’m not sure she realizes that tentacle-shaped glass dildos exist. I hope she doesn’t. I want her to be totally blindsided. 😀

I realized the other day that I’m mildly obsessed with buying Dandette sex toys, and it’s basically to make up for the fact that I’m not actually fucking her. She’s made it fairly clear that she would date me if I wanted. I’m not into that, but I do love her, so I guess I’m trying to give her orgasms indirectly. 😛

Oh, on a side note, she and I were talking today and I mentioned how The Dandy refused to touch my packer and she said yeah, she’s seen him be like that with dildos, too, that’s why she’s never asked him to use a toy on her. That’s sort of hilarious (but sad) to me because The Dandy has used them on me from the very beginning. But, come to think of it, not voluntarily: it just didn’t occur to me that he might have hangups, and anyway toys are a big part of my orgasms so using them is kind of non-negotiable, so when the time came I was just like “Here, fuck me with this dildo” or “yo, press the Hitachi right there and move it around” and he did. I wonder: if I’d seemed tentative, would he have balked? How much better would Dandette’s sex with him be if she just assumed he would do what she wanted/needed, and told him to?

It really sounds like the vast majority of The Dandy’s sex with Dandette is him coming into her mouth or vag and…that’s it. She says he used to get her off but it was a lot faster/easier in the beginning because that’s how she is with new people. Once she actually fell for him, the stakes were higher so she took longer to get off…and The Dandy stopped trying (whether correlation or causation I don’t know). She said her sex life with him since then has basically been intercourse and then after he leaves the room she finishes herself off. That makes me so angry I wanna punch him in the face.

So this is another reason I buy her sex toys: because her main partner is so terrible in bed with her!

I’m wondering if our discussion today will have some fallout, because when Dandette said the thing about never asking The Dandy to use toys on her I was so surprised that I blurted out “Really? We use them all the time.” Will Dandette ask for what she wants, now? Or will she still be too shy or whatever, but grow more and more resentful knowing that The Dandy is totally getting me off – using my vibrator and dildo – at least once every time we have sex? Will she approach him at some point like “I have recently learned that you’re using toys with Cowgirl and not me. You’re in serious trouble, young man!”? I don’t want him to end up angry at me for blurting out – in sheer surprise – that he takes care of my needs adequately in a way he doesn’t with her. I generally try to keep our bedroom stuff private; I’m not prone to having huge detailed talks about any of my partners’ sexual skills or predilections with anyone.

But I really am horrified by how selfish he is in bed.

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The problem is being in limbo.

Okay, y’know the crux of what’s bothering me right now? Not knowing where I stand with The Dandy.

To be perfectly frank, if I thought that he’d fallen out of whatever love he ever had for me but wanted me to “pay” for my continued lodgings by having sex with him and acting like he’s a big fucking man? I’d do it. I’m a good actress, and I am genuinely grateful for how much he helps me. And I understand that he’s not a charitable organization so for him to want to keep helping me, he’ll need a reason, whether it’s that he loves me or I have sex with him or something else that makes it seem like a fair trade. If I definitely knew that this was a “banging for roof” situation, I’d go all in. I’d be like Famke Janssen in that one episode of Star Trek: TNG where she was a sort of changeling alien meant to imprint on one person and one person only and become his perfect mate, and she was supposed to imprint on some diplomat guy in order to prevent a war, but she imprinted on Picard instead by accident, but she was like “It’s cool, my actual personality may have custom-adapted itself to yours but I can still make it look like I’m the diplomat’s perfect woman. He’ll never, ever realize that I’m acting.”

But as it stands, I guess I’m hoping the relationship can be salvaged. And to me, part of salvaging it is to be genuine in my starry-eyed gazes and mushy words – to use them, in a way, as a training mechanism so he’s encouraged to do more things that make me react that way. If I pretend to be all googly-eyed over him when he hasn’t actually done much of anything, he won’t have any impetus to actually please me.

So right now I’m in limbo, trying to decide which way things should go. I’d rather get back my feelings of love for The Dandy, if I can. But if that’s not in the cards – if this is destined to become more of a sugar daddy thing – I wish I could just know now.

Also there’s the distinct possibility that all these relationship troubles are in my fucking head and in reality we’re just in one of those normal ebbs that relationships have and it’s only lasted like a week and I’m just going nuts and making wild extrapolations because anxiety. So there’s that.

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