…And Then Things Got Weird.

So, I tried to make a couple of posts on my phone before and they DIDN’T WORK – it seemed as though they’d posted, but only the title actually showed up. I think one of those disappearing posts is where I said that Dandette and I are getting closer and we’ve both said that we want the three of us to be a family, with communal dinners and movie nights and stuff. She and I have been joking about the three of us being a cult. We’ve named ourselves the Laser Cat Cult and we’re theoretically gonna make everyone robes out of fabric with a print of cats shooting lasers out of their eyes.

Dandette came along with The Dandy and I to do some cleaning and packing of my old apartment. Being there stresses me out unbelievably much now. The neighbours got into a screaming fight while we were there and I had a panic attack and started to cry. BOTH of them hugged and comforted me. A few times since then (not even while I was in the apartment; sometimes just talking about going back there to pack would set me off) the two of them sandwiched me and petted my head while Dandette told me not to worry, they have my back, we’ll get through this. She has said a few times now that she’s happy to have me here and really, REALLY glad I’m not in the horrible apartment anymore.

It feels really weird to look back at the crazy shit that happened with Dandette vs how things are now, but her affection feels sincere. Maybe it’s really just that her medication tamped down some of her anxiety and now I get to see who she is underneath: compassionate and empathetic and sweet.

Being petted by two people at once is THE BEST, btw. Even if I’m only sexually attracted to one of them.

The other night we watched some Stranger Things together on Netflix – Dandette and I have seen it but The Dandy hasn’t so we wanted to indoctrinate him. He sat between us on the couch and put both his arms out and we each cuddled into him. I was slightly disconcerted by this but decided to just roll with it (and The Dandy clearly felt the king of the world having two women doting on him, which simultaneously pleased and irritated me…). The Dandy had reassured me just recently that he considers Dandette family, with no sexual attraction to her whatsoever. And she has referred to him as a brother. Their relationship seems a little…ambiguous to me, but meh, whatever. Minx and I have cuddlepets when we hang out so I’m not one to talk.

Today, Dandette enlisted her bf to help us pack and clean my place some more. The two of them were AMAZING and I think I’m basically all packed up. Her bf is really cool.

Then she and I went home and were hanging out talking (The Dandy was still at work). We got to talking about The Dandy and his foibles and she mentioned that he seems to be doing things for me that she always wanted in their relationship but he never did them for her. I was like “Shit, yeah…in my experience a LOT of guys will ignore what you want over and over and only finally take it seriously when you break up with them over it…so then they finally smarten up and the next person gets the nice things. I have a feeling you’ll be seeing a lot of that with The Dandy and I, and I totally get that it’s really weird and shitty. I’m sorry.”

She then divulged that, when The Dandy and I began dating the second time around, she and he had been kinda-sorta getting back together but then he broke it off with her. He didn’t break up with her in order to be with me, per se. Apparently she had her mental breakdown a while back he told her she was “too crazy” for him to deal with and that’s why he broke it off. She pointed out to him that I have anxiety and depression, too, but he said that I handle it way better. Apparently he went on and on about how awesome I am. My god, that must have been awful to hear.

I told her I had no idea the two of them had ever gotten back together and wow, it must have been SO rough to have him break things off like that and then be dating me, especially when I’m so much like her in so many ways.

And Dandette froze and said “Wait. YOU DIDN’T KNOW ABOUT US?!?!?”

I confirmed that I’d had no idea. The Dandy had only ever said that he’d “slipped up” and fucked her a few times shortly after they broke up, but then things settled into a sexless, domestic friend-type arrangement.

Dandette started to have kind of a panic attack thing, saying she felt horrible for me finding out this way; she thought I knew. She said The Dandy had kind of bragged to her that fucking us both was making his sex drive spike. She said she asked him “Does Cowgirl know about us?” and he said he was “pretty sure” I did (“Pretty sure”?! That fucking asshole…). She started self-flagellating for causing trouble between The Dandy and I by accidentally letting this whole thing slip. I firmly reassured her that no, this is ENTIRELY The Dandy’s fault. He fucking LIED to me. That’s on him. I snuggled Dandette and got her calmed down and we talked some more and agreed that The Dandy had not comported himself well with us. Like, at all. I was horrified that he’d outright lied to me. She was horrified to be the dirty little secret.

Then we heard his key in the lock and agreed to glare at him in unison from the couch when he opened the door, which we did.

Dandette tends not to be very good at asserting herself – perhaps especially with The Dandy – but I am. He walked in, saw our faces, and asked what was up. Dandette said something along the lines of “So apparently Cowgirl didn’t KNOW we were fucking during the time you were together.”

The Dandy looked confused. He sat down and mulled this over and I swear he tilted his head from side to side like a dog who doesn’t quite understand what’s going on. We waited for him to say something. I suddenly wondered whether Dandette could have been lying in order to mess with me. I really didn’t feel like she was, at all. But The Dandy seemed so taken aback, like he had no idea what she was talking about. What he finally said (I think; it’s getting blurry) was something about how he was pretty sure there wasn’t overlap between us.

Dandette said no, there was, he had actually kind of bragged to her about how he was fucking both of us at once.

I said that he had outright lied to me; he’d said that they were only friends, nothing else going on, and that was bullshit.

The Dandy (predictably) kept on sitting there silently and looking confused.

It’s sort of hard for me to remember the sequence of events but here are some highlights:

– I told him again, in no uncertain terms, that him lying to me was unacceptable. I am MOVING IN WITH THEM and he failed to give me important information that would have let me make an informed decision. Like, what if I wouldn’t have wanted to move here, knowing that the two of them had been dating again just a few months ago? I mean, I probably would have been upset but then processed it and been fine, but he didn’t even give me that chance.

– I asked him repeatedly what his thought process was in lying to me (did he think Dandette and I wouldn’t talk and I’d never find out? WTF). Eventually he said he guessed he’d wanted to avoid awkwardness. Dandette, by that time, had moved further away from him to the dining room table, almost in tears because she was convinced that he’d kept her a secret because he was embarrassed by her. I was still on the couch, directly across from The Dandy’s chair, seething and fixing him with the same cold, dead stare that Minx once said reminded her of Dexter (the serial killer from the eponymous tv show). “Well, thank god you avoided the AWKWARDNESS,” I said. “Isn’t this nice, right now, how not-awkward it is in here? WHEEEEE!”

– I pointed out that when I fucked The Pedant, I told The Dandy about it right away, even though I wasn’t sure how he’d handle it. I said that I’m not into doing poly with a bunch of rules – I don’t want veto power, I’m generally pretty easygoing – but the one rule I have is transparency, and The Dandy violated that. How can I know he won’t do it again? How trustworthy IS he, really?

– At one point he started to protest, again, that he was pretty sure there wasn’t any overlap between Dandette and I, sex-wise. “NO,” I snapped. “FOCUS. I don’t give a shit about any of that. What I give a shit about is that you lied to me.”

– Dandette told him that she’d straight-up asked him if I knew about the two of them and he’d said “I’m pretty sure.” I interjected “‘Pretty sure’? Guess what? If you’d opened your face-hole and said ‘Dandette and I have been fucking,’ then you would have been ACTUALLY sure.”

– Through most of this he had been silent/passive/awkward/confused, and had not offered an apology, so I told him to give me one. He sat there ruminating for another minute or so and then finally said “I’m sorry.” I coldly thanked him.

– At another point, after raging at him for a while, I prompted “What have we learned…?” in a sharp, schoolmarm voice. He thought about it and said “I should have trusted you with the truth.” “There you go,” I said, like someone at the limit of her patience trying to encourage a particularly slow child.

Not gonna lie, I was kind of enjoying unnerving The Dandy. I mean I’d rather he was able to have a proper conversation about it all, but if he’s gonna just sit there like a passive idiot, I’m gonna have some fun with it.

Although The Dandy apologized when asked, he never did seem to understand what he’d done wrong. He just didn’t appear to GET it. And that is infuriating. Once I’d ranted at him to my satisfaction I said “Okay, so how do we proceed? Dandette, what do you need in order to feel safe and comfortable here?”

Dandette said she didn’t know, and started to get weepy. I suggested brightly that we take a walk – she’d told me before that there were some ravines and parks near the building, so maybe she could show me. I figured she’d feel better if she got away from The Dandy for a bit and also that going outside would help. Stuff like that helps me when I’m anxious.

Hallelujah, it worked. The crying went away quickly and she returned to her normal, talkative self. We talked about The Dandy a bit, and just about random things like how nice and peaceful the ravine was or craft projects we wanted to do together one dcay. And I told her that I’m frankly scared to death that The Dandy will eventually dump me for my anxiety (since that seems to be a pattern in my relationships – people want to save me, at first, but then get tired of my mental crap and can’t handle it anymore). Him apparently breaking things off with her for being “too crazy” doesn’t really help me with that fear. Dandette said that she’ll help me when I’m not doing well, and that way The Dandy won’t be taking the entire weight, and I could help her, too, and we’d get through things. She said if I’m still mad at The Dandy tonight I can sleep in her bed with her.

Dandette made dinner once we got home. We ate around the table together as always, and nobody brought up our fight. I did later, though, when Dandette wasn’t around. I told The Dandy that Dandette had said they were actually rekindling their relationship. He was surprised and said no, from his perspective they’d just been fucking.

I pointed out how very, very stupid it was of him to start up with her again. I mean, he starts dating me, she’s jealous, I have a bunch of talks with him about establishing boundaries (like not being casually naked around her ffs) in order to sort of reinforce the fact that they were BROKEN UP, because on some level she didn’t seem to know that (and I kind of don’t blame her; sounds like everything about their relationship remained the same after the breakup except they stopped having sex). And then her jealousy exploded so hard that I had to bail on the relationship, so The Dandy…decided to start fucking Dandette again. So much for boundaries.

He said it was “more complicated than that” – that he was lonely and felt like he had no other options (he knew it was Dandette’s jealousy issues that drove me away but he decided to GET INVOLVED WITH HER AGAIN instead of imposing boundaries so she’d maybe get over him and he could move on. He is seriously so fucking stupid I could punch him in the face) and she was horny and really wanted sex. That…doesn’t actually sound complicated to me, but okay.

“So I guess you surmounted the complete lack of sexual attraction you feel for her,” I said, pointedly. He had told me literally two days ago that he considers her family and has no sexual feelings for her at all.

“Enough to get it up,” The Dandy said.


I asked him what his deal is with her. Does he want to be having sex with her, or not? I said I kind of didn’t even care which*, at this point, I just wanted to feel like he was being honest.
He said he never should have started up with her again. I think I said something along the lines of “No kidding. You KNOW she’s kind of fragile. You KNOW she kinda wants to be dating you again. AND YOU LIVE TOGETHER. Of course having sex with her is gonna feel like you’re back together again. And there’s huge potential for it to make your living situation all weird.”

The Dandy sat there looking befuddled and saying nothing, as he does.

“Look,” I said. “I’ve been getting to know Dandette a lot better lately. I like her. DON’T FUCK WITH HER HEAD. Pick a side of the fence and STAY THERE.”

The Dandy remained silent, perhaps with a tinge of anger. He went off and fed the cats. That was actually like ten minutes ago and now he’s, I dunno, puttering around in the living room or something as I type this. Maybe he’s planning to sleep on the couch. He definitely knows I’m pissed off.

*At this point I think I could handle him fucking her. It would be incredibly weird at first but I think I could deal with it and have it become normal and okay for me. And it would be a relief for those feelings to be out in the open! She’s not exactly blameless here, either; not long ago she referred to him as her brother, but since I began spending more time here/moving my stuff in, she’s made constant references to how weird it is for him not to be naked in public areas of the apartment anymore. He took a bubble bath the other day and she stood outside the bathroom door and said “Well, I guess I’m not allowed to come in and give your penis a bubble-hat anymore.” And I’m thinking “I don’t have siblings but I…think this is not what you do with your brother…?” After his bath I quietly asked him if the two of them really did hang around naked all the time the way Dandette implies. He said she was exaggerating. I asked what their deal is and that was when he said he loves her like family but has no sexual feelings toward her whatsoever. So both of them were saying the other was nonsexual “family” but there’s such an undercurrent of…flirting, or something. And indeed, their last bout of “relapse fucking” ended just three months ago. I don’t like when people’s words and actions don’t match. It distresses me. I think it might kind of be a relief if they just started having sex again, if The Dandy wants to. He seems to be back to thinking it’s a bad idea, though.


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So yeah.

The plan, now, is for me to live with The Dandy and Dandette permanently (not “until I find a place”) and we’ll move into a 3-bedroom (or a penthouse, which is a 3-bedroom on steroids) in this same building once it becomes available.

I feel pretty okay with this. Even just the regular, non-penthouse 3-bedrooms here are quite large, and have two full bathrooms (the penthouses have 3.5(!)). There’s a master bedroom at one end with its own bathroom and two slightly smaller bedrooms at the other end that share a bathroom. When we were looking at the floor plan, Dandette said “dibs on the master bedroom,” which irritated me a bit because The Dandy will be heavily subsidizing her portion of the rent if not paying it outright so I think he deserves that room. BUT, it’s only a little bigger than the other bedrooms, and TBH I’d way rather be situated next to The Dandy with Dandette a healthy amount of sound insulation away. 😛

Yeah, it still annoys me that The Dandy is supporting Dandette. But I’m pretty sure he’d support me, too, if it came down to it. In fact I think he assumed he WOULD support me once I moved in and was pleasantly surprised when I offered him rent. Also I made it clear to him that I’m happy to pay my fair share but will not be subsidizing Dandette at any point – that was his choice for her to have a free ride, not mine. He understands.

Y’know what’s funny? The Pedant has dreamed forever of being in a triad with two women, one of whom stays home and does housework, and I seem to have fallen into a similar thing entirely without trying. I mean, okay, Dandette isn’t fucking The Dandy or I. But she doesn’t really work these days and has decided to compensate for this by doing all the cooking and grocery shopping, and we’re developing somewhat of a domestic routine in a way that (I guess? I don’t know) regular roommates don’t. There’s usually a communal dinner, for instance.

I love that The Dandy and Dandette are both proficient at cooking, because I am not (and indeed I hate cooking with a fiery passion). When we first talked about me moving in, I volunteered to be the cleaner of the kitchen in exchange for them making dinner. I know it hasn’t even been a week yet but so far this is working out REALLY well. It sounds as though the two of them each have resentments about the other not cleaning the kitchen; she says it’s been wonderful to cook and not have to clean up, and he says that when the kitchen is messy he can’t even bring himself to cook in the first place so my cleaning efforts will make him much more likely to cook things. My evil plan is working! MUAH-HA-HA-HA!

And, I mean, here’s the thing: THERE’S A DISHWASHER HERE. I think they’re used to it and take it for granted. For me it’s a tremendous novelty. YOU GUYS, there can be dirty dishes all the fuck over the place and I can have them all dealt with in ten minutes by putting them in the magic box! At my old place, the same amount of dishes would be a friggin’ hour-long odyssey and afterward they’d be cluttering up the counter still as they sat in the drainer to dry! It takes comparatively little work, here, to make a huge difference in how the kitchen looks, and so far I find this tremendously satisfying. And my 10-15 minutes of work thrills The Dandy and Dandette all out of proportion. Yay!

When Dandette first invited me to live here, I secretly questioned her motives. I was afraid it was a “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” thing. But my gut isn’t sensing malice. I think a LOT of her issues before were due to anxiety, and her meds are helping. Not that I believe she’s being entirely altruistic, either; probably she invited me, in large part, in order to ingratiate herself to The Dandy. Like, perhaps she sensed that her position might be becoming unstable; here I am, in need of a place to live and willing to pay my way, while The Dandy – who loves me – has a perfectly good second bedroom occupied by someone who DOESN’T pay for anything. And so I suspect Dandette figured it was in her best interest to bring me into the fold so that The Dandy pays less rent and doesn’t think about displacing her. Or maybe I’m just cynical.

But I think there’s a tiny drop of genuine altruism in there, too. Dandette has anxiety, same as me; she’s freaked out by a lot of the same things as me. So she empathizes with all my Harpy woes. She couldn’t have dealt with that shit, either.

…Hmm. I was about to say that Dandette seems to be doing a lot less territorial pissing when I’m around than she used to (she used to take pains, for instance, to bring up her history with The Dandy around me, as if to say “I had him first.”) but I forgot that she’s made interminable references to not being able to be naked around the house anymore now that I’m here; I guess when I told The Dandy to establish some boundaries around the apartment nudity, he only stopped being naked, himself, and didn’t ask HER to put clothes on. Just now she came in to announce that the hardest part of me living here now is that she has to close the bathroom door all the way. And she came up and hugged The Dandy as he sat at his computer, and when he reacted with puzzlement she said “What? I felt like shoving my boobs in your face. You didn’t think that was gonna stop just because Cowgirl is here, did you?” I had not been under the impression that they were particularly physically affectionate, normally; now I’m wondering if they are, or if she’s just messing with my head.

So this should be interesting.

Also, she’s super into picking on The Dandy and inciting me to join in. I can understand this; she’s trying to establish an us-against-him relationship to kind of counterbalance the exclusion she feels from me dating The Dandy now and her not. And I DO join in on these tag-team verbal Dandy-beatings, I admit. It’s the easiest way to bond with her.

When the two of us are teasing The Dandy he gets the oddest expression, like he’s embarrassed and turned on at the same time. Maybe I’m reading it wrong and he’s actually just embarrassed but unable to tell us to stop (remember, he has a hard time saying no or drawing boundaries; he tends to go all quiet and awkward instead). But it wouldn’t surprise me much if it WAS titillation I was seeing. It strikes me that the Dandy may continue putting a roof over Dandette’s head not IN SPITE OF her being clingy etc with him, but BECAUSE of. I think he likes the attention. And I think now on some level he feels like he has a harem, and he digs it.

Boy, I hope we can figure out how to all get along with a minimum of drama. There’s a spark of something good brewing here, maybe; there’s a chance that we could make a weird but reasonably functional little family unit. But there’s also a lot of potential for drama and bullshit.


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Ok let’s cut to the chase.


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Dandette and I have been getting along lately. Maybe it’s that her anxiety meds have kicked in so she’s not panicking about me taking The Dandy’s attention away from her. Certainly the meds are doing their job of removing the generalized anxiety, so she’s a lot more at ease and social and as a result we’ve been getting to know each other. And in some ways we’re a lot alike (though I already knew that.)

A few visits ago, The Dandy displeased her in some way and she said “you’re fired!” and then we BOTH added in unison, “out of a cannon, into the sun!” (Futurama reference.) The Dandy doesn’t watch Futurama so to him this must have been most alarming. 🙂 Dandette and I laughed our asses off.

And just recently I spent the night there and for the first time I actually took The Dandy up on his offer to stay and sleep in after he left for work – before this I always left along with him. Dandette and I hung out as I ate breakfast and she said “You should just give notice and stay with us until you find a place.”

I paused, cereal spoon halfway to my mouth. “You’d…be okay with that?”

“Yeah, totally. …I TOLD The Dandy to tell you.”

“Huh. He didn’t mention anything.”

I texted The Dandy later, telling him about this offer and asking him what he thought. I figured either Dandette was lying and hadn’t really brought it up to him before, or she did but he wasn’t into it so he didn’t tell me. But he texted back “I’d be okay with that.”

I said we should talk in person so I met up with him that evening. In person he STILL seemed okay with it (happy, even) and said that yeah, Dandette had put forth the idea a while back but he’d felt that she didn’t seem all that comfortable with me so he hadn’t passed it on. But now he felt that it seemed okay.

Here’s the best part: right off the bat he said “I figure I’ll get rid of my bed and we’ll put yours in, and at least two dressers can fit under that” (loft bed) “and I can clear out half of the walk-in closet for you.” I’d assumed I’d be squatting there and living out of a garbage bag full of clothes or something but he was actually willing to change his setup around to accommodate me!

I put forth an offer of rent: I said I can pay nothing in June (because I’m paying for my own place still) but July is covered by my last month’s rent deposit, so as of that time (if I didn’t have my own place yet) I think it’s reasonable that I pay $300 if I’m still kinda squatting/camping there or $450 if I’m actually LIVING there, like with all my stuff and everything. ($450 is one-quarter of the rent there. Dandette has her own room and I’ll be sharing The Dandy’s. So.)

The Dandy enthusiastically agreed to this, perhaps just thrilled to death that I was paying my own way at all (he’s entirely supporting Dandette, remember).

He also reminded me that his building has HUGE kickass penthouses – three big bedrooms, three and a half bathrooms, in-suite laundry, dishwasher – and said maybe if we all kept getting along okay we could put ourselves on the waiting list for one of those.

And I couldn’t help thinking: my third of the rent on a penthouse would be the same as the rent for a smallish bachelor apartment, but I’d have access to laundry and a dishwasher and SO much more space. Hell, even if Dandette and I irritated each other, my bedroom alone would be the size of whatever bachelor I could afford (if not bigger) and I’d still have my own bathroom. I could basically treat my bedroom as its own self-contained unit (except no kitchen). And the building is really soundproof – concrete flooors and ceilings, concrete walls between the units – so I’d basically never have to deal with neighbour noise ever, ever again…

More later.


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I feel like The Dandy has become a bit too perfunctory in the way he touches me – I mean when we were first dating (which was only five months ago, for pete’s sake) he once spent like ten minutes just stroking my inner elbows, fascinated by the sounds and squirms he could draw forth from me. And when we were doing naked stuff he would regularly put a finger or two inside me and do g-spot stuff, even if he knew it wasn’t really gonna lead anywhere. As long as I was having fun, he’d continue.

But for a while now it’s felt like petting me is an absent-minded thing he does while we watch Netflix (which is totally fine) or a quick “blah blah blah whatever can we have sex now?” strictly utilitarian foreplay thing (which is not fine).

It’s not even like I need him to pet me for that much longer than he’s been doing, in order to get in the mood for cock. I just want him to focus. I want to feel as though he’s paying attention to what he’s doing, noticing the spots that make me moan hardest and doubling back to touch them again, that sort of thing. As it stands he just doesn’t seem to be paying attention at all; he’ll run his fingers up and down my back, but not as lightly as I’d prefer and he’ll just keep on going monotonously up and down even though there are places along the way that make me react extra-hard.

So few men get mesmerized by petting me and I honestly can’t understand why. They’re touching an attractive naked woman and eliciting all manner of sounds from her. When I can make a partner vocalize and writhe, it’s fascinating to me. I’ll linger and see how long I can draw it out. For me I think it plugs into my dominance: I’m becoming an expert in my partner’s body and making it so I can play him like an instrument and get any reaction I want. That guy I had two dates with recently and then he bailed on me was  submissive, so I’d imagine for him it was more of an act of service, but he was completely into petting me. Like, dude was exactly like me in that respect. The Dandy, conversely, identifies as dominant, and initially he seemed to be the kind of dominant who thrives on provoking reactions and giving pleasure, but now…

I wonder if this is just the laziness that often comes from being in an established relationship or if he’s beginning to resent how much I’m leaning on him (what with him taking care of my cats and me staying there fairly often, kind of more to escape the neighbours and be with the kitties than to see him…) and it’s coming through in the sex? Like do I talk to him about this and tell him I’d like him to be more…detail oriented in bed? Or do I assert my independence and autonomy in some way just to make really damn sure he’s not accidentally thinking of me as a child or convalescent that he’s taking care of?

Annnnnyway, the actual thing I wanted to say with this post is that The Dandy and I had amazing sex the other day and I really needed that. It’s been feeling like our mojo is a little off.

Granted, the amazingness of the sex was pretty much just due to me using my Hitachi during it – all The Dandy did was stay hard (which is still noteworthy as many men can’t seem to maintain an erection if I’m grinding rather than thrusting). He wasn’t actively doing anything much, or having a better technique than usual, or anything. I was riding him and then I added the HItachi to the mix so that I was basically just humping the vibrator while The Dandy lay there with his dick in me. But that combination of things makes me come spectacularly hard and feels really intimate to me. So yeah. I came crazy hard to a point where the violence rose up in me and I shook and growled and clenched. And once I’d recovered slightly, I set the Hitachi aside and kept riding The Dandy – thrusting up and down this time – and it only took him a minute or two more to come, so between that and the fact that he stayed hard all through my Hitachi-ing, I think me getting off that way turns him on. Yay. 🙂

Having said that…I don’t know whether he and I can really last. It still bugs the shit out of me that Dandette lives with him and he’s paying for all her shit. It bugs me that he has boundary issues. I’ve noticed that he can’t say “no” to me; he’ll ignore a request or giggle awkwardly at it, but he won’t actually use his words and say no. And he’s got a saviour complex and yet at the same time I think he’s beginning to resent being a saviour (one time I offhandedly mentioned that I don’t think I ever want to live with a partner again because I like my alone-time and independence. I saw The Dandy’s face light up). So, he’ll do things for me, but I don’t really trust his motivations. I think there’s big potential for him to do things he doesn’t actually want to (either to offer out of obligation or to be afraid to say no when I ask for things) and end up resentful.

Also, I find that I kind of resent the massive money he makes. Partly because he’s using a big chunk of it on Dandette instead of me (there, I said it) but also because it renders him just so entirely out of touch with my experiences. Looking for an apartment is terrifying for me; places in my price range are small and/or sketchy and property management companies are likely to reject me because the freelance nature of my job makes me not look like a good bet as a tenant. For The Dandy, apartment hunting is a pain in the ass and nothing more. He can afford nice places; places big enough that he doesn’t have to go in there with a tape measure to make sure his furniture will fit. If he applies for a place, let’s face it, the only reason he wouldn’t get it is that someone else got it first. His apartment is in a pretty fancy building, so the soundproofing is excellent, but even if it wasn’t, the place is fucking huge. If a next-door neighbour were being loud, he could just go to the other side of the apartment and escape the noise that way. I can only afford a bachelor apartment where the main living space is about the size of The Dandy’s bedroom, so if someone to one side of me is being loud…tough shit.

I know it’s not rational but I just…kind of hate The Dandy for having this apartment that’s dead silent, and just taking it for granted, when I live in a place where I can hear the guy upstairs pissing. And I double-hate Dandette for living in said silent apartment for free and just taking it for granted**. It’s been a running theme in my life that I’m never quite bad off enough for help. Other people have nervous breakdowns etc and people come scurrying out of the woodwork to throw help and free stuff at them, but I continue barely hanging on by my fingernails so nobody gives a fuck about me.

If The Dandy had gotten Dandette the fuck out of there when they broke up, like he should have, I could be moving in there right now and escaping my shitty neighbours and the constant, crushing anxiety-paralysis they give me. I wouldn’t ask him to take me in for free, of course. The apartment costs $1,800 and the second bedroom is smaller so I’d offer to pay $800/month – which is still less than I pay here, so I could be enjoying a bit of financial relief while still fully pulling my weight. Or maybe if I were really pushing it I’d ask if I could pay $500/month (so that we’d each be paying rent that’s sort of proportionate to our income*, ergo it’s still fair in a sense) which would allow me to possibly save up some cash for when I found a proper place of my own and needed money for movers etc.

But no. Dandette gets a free ride even though they’re not dating anymore, and I get to live in a place where I’m scared to flush the toilet and get told that I can’t stay at The Dandy’s too much because Dandette might be uncomfortable.

I wish I knew what her deal is, btw. She’s really nice to me – too nice, given that we’re really just acquaintances – but on the other hand she still acts out sometimes out of panic that some of The Dandy’s attention isn’t on her anymore. She seems not even the teeniest bit self-aware, so I tend to think that consciously she’s happy The Dandy found someone and she’s trying to “welcome me into the family” or whatever but subconsciously she’s freaking out so she acts out but doesn’t have any idea why. But what if I’m wrong and the nice treatment is some Machiavellian “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” thing? She scares me a bit.

Welp, this post ended up going all over the place.


*I don’t know exactly how much The Dandy makes, but one time when I told him about subsidized housing where your rent is set at 25% of your income, The Dandy said that if he applied to such a place his rent would be more than it is now so it would be pointless for him. Which means he makes over seven thousand dollars a month.

**When she first had her mental breakdown and quit her job (like six months ago, I think?), apparently she kept the apartment spotless because she felt guilty about not paying rent. Those days are thoroughly over. The place is usually trashed when I go over there, and I’ve seen The Dandy take an hour or two to clean up the kitchen on a few occasions now. This is why I say she takes the place for granted. And she’s doing pretty well lately mentally, by the way; she’s chatty, sees friends and her boyfriend often, has several creative projects on the go. It’s not a depressive lack of energy keeping her from cleaning. And it’s her many baking projects and craft projects that are trashing the place. She’s taking advantage.

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Oh! But.

Today when The Dandy and I parted company I murmured “Love you. Have a good day” in his ear and he murmured back “I know. Love you, too.” And it didn’t seem like it was a huge terrifying effort for him to say it.

So that’s something.

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