Tag Archives: The Dandy

I’m the good one

It’s come out that The Dandy’s ex-wife used to mock his interests (collecting fountain pens, knives, swords) because they’re stereotypically nerdy. Dandette used to roll her eyes at The Dandy’s purchases, too, and I don’t even know why – she’s a big-time nerd, herself (she LARPS; she has photos of herself meeting sci-fi actors at conventions; she collects Dr. Who memorabilia). Maybe she was just jealous of how much cool new stuff The Dandy’s always getting. For real, there always seems to be something due for delivery. And I used to roll my eyes a bit at that, too, because I was jealous and because his spending habits frankly worry the shit out of me. Dude spends all his extra money and has no savings. And he already had heart bypass surgery in his late 30s. And it’s not like I make enough to sustain our basic expenses if his heart has another issue.

But he says his benefits at work will cover our asses if anything happens, and he seems to have extremely marketable skills that’ll get him a new job if anything happens with the current one. It’s…probably fine?

Also, I realized a while back that with the way The Dandy subsidizes my food and rent, I am able to buy myself as much fun stuff as he does (I mean…proportionately). The reason I don’t is that I’m super anal retentive about building and maintaining a nest egg. That’s me choosing not to buy fun things; The Dandy isn’t forcing me to do without. So that epiphany made me a lot less jealous of his bounty.

(I tentatively think that if I had ten thousand bucks in my savings account, I could finally relax and let myself start spending any further money I make freely like The Dandy does.  Or at least not be as tightly frugal as I am now. So that’s something to look forward to. I’m halfway there.)

Anyway, even before I realized that The Dandy has baggage from exes who made him feel frivolous and nerdy, I mostly didn’t hassle him over his hobbies/purchases (and even if I did express concern over his spending, I also think the stuff he gets is pretty cool, so I liked looking at his latest acquisitions and asking questions about them). Now that I’m reassured about our financial stability and I understand more about The Dandy’s history, I’ve made it my job to be supportive. When we found that gorgeous mahogany dresser in the garbage room of our building, The Dandy said “Hey, this will save me hundreds of dollars since I don’t have to buy storage from Ikea now. So that deserves a new knife, right?” and I was like “hell yeah it does!” because why the fuck not? Financially, he’d come out the same if not ahead (I think the stuff he wanted from Ikea would have totaled around $400 and most of his knives are around $250).

Also, in my own limited-resources way, I’m a collector, too. I lambaste myself for it a lot (the voice in my head screaming at me for being frivolous and stupid sound suspiciously like my parents) but The Dandy never, ever makes me feel bad. He takes an interest in the things I like and encourages me to buy the new shinies I have my eye on. My latest obsession is this mask. There’s no practical reason for me to have it (I could try to tell myself it would be useful for  spicing up model gigs, but honestly, probably not; people usually want to draw the model’s face). I’d likely never wear it. It would just sit around taking up space. But The Dandy just says “Life is short. Why not get the things you want?”

I protested, “But what if I get the mask and then, I dunno, the cats have a veterinary emergency? I’ll feel really stupid having this $250 item taking up space when I could have saved that money and put it toward the vet bill.”

The Dandy shrugged. “What if your bank has some kind of fuckup and you lose everything? You can’t live your whole preparing for what might happen, because you don’t know what’ll happen. You might end up preparing for the wrong thing.”

He has a point. I’m certainly not going to forego my nest-egg-building and start spending everything each month like he does, but I could stand to loosen up a little. For all my overthinking, I’ve still spent money on things that ended up being mistakes and passed up buying things I later wished I’d bought. You can’t ever really know what’s a good idea. And even when I spent tons of money on mistakes, shit evened out eventually. I’m not in the poorhouse yet.

At one point – not even during that conversation but at some random other time when I wasn’t talking about the mask at all – The Dandy even gestured toward my fancy wooden display case (a garbage-find like his dresser, and currently mostly empty) and said “Just imagine how good that mask would look in there.” Goddammit, it would look good in there! The Dandy is subtly helping me find reasons to buy the thing. He’s encouraging me to do what makes me happy and have no regrets. Holy fuck I adore this boy. I’ve never been around anyone so judgement-free when it comes to spending money. I feel like everyone else I’ve dated would at least have given me a cursory “Wellllll I dunno, do you think you should?”

I hope my efforts at weeding out my own judginess and simply reveling in the fun things he buys will help ensure that he adores me, too. I really want this to last.

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Commitment

The other day, I mentioned to The Dandy that I wanted to go grocery shopping because I was out of some staples like cereal and milk. He was going out to meet some friends but said we could go when he got back, and we actually did (often he’ll forget or not want to anymore. but this time as soon as he came in the door he was like “let me just change into more comfortable pants and we can go get food”). The shopping trip was pretty much just for me; I’m the only one who uses cereal or milk, and most of the other stuff we got was pretty much a me-thing, too. But he paid.

Yesterday, we went to visit his mom, who lives in a neighbouring city (initially I was too tired and didn’t wanna go with him, but he puttered around the house for a few hours while I slept some more and then asked me again. I think perhaps he didn’t want to go alone). It’s maybe a two hour drive but he knows I have kind of a tiny bladder (and that I pysch myself out on car trips) so midway through when he knew we were near a rest stop he asked me if I needed to go to the bathroom. He knows me. ❤

On the drive to his mom’s place (and, later, the drive back) I was riffing a bit about this guy on FL I’d written to (that whole thing probably deserves its own post). I mentioned that I’d been interested in him because he claimed to be into “body worship” and giving a partner pleasure and all that, and I’d really like to find someone who falls into a trance touching me. I said to The Dandy that I dunno if he notices but often I’ll be idly touching him and then something clicks over and I’m just hypnotized by his hotness and it steals my entire focus. He grinned and said yeah, he’s noticed. I said I want that from someone. I didn’t whine that The Dandy isn’t like that or ask him to become that person. I just said I’d like to find that dynamic someplace.

And I don’t know if that convo influenced The Dandy or what but that night we had sex and beforehand, he gave me foreplay for the first time in forever. He was touching my genitals for a long long time and when I’d occasionally look over at him, he was actually looking at me too, not staring at the ceiling like he didn’t want to be there. Once I was super turned on I asked him to get inside me, and after he came, I had him help me come too, and he didn’t take a break first to take the condom off. He’s been doing that lately – wandering into the bathroom to take off the condom and wash up a bit when I remain un-orgasmed – and I’ve told him it bugs me. I don’t like feeling as though my orgasm is a separate, extra thing. To me it’s part of the encounter, dammit! When I complained he protested “but the condom feels uncomfortable!” so I let it slide. But still. Unsure why he suddenly opted to leave it on and get straight to pleasuring me but I liked it.

He’s continued doing all kinds of organizing and deep-cleaning of our apartment, which makes me realize that he’s not entitled and thinking it’s women’s work (as Dandette used to tell me) – it’s that his job exhausts him so he usually doesn’t have it in him to do that shit. Now that he’s on vacation (and had a couple of days to decompress), he’s stepped up.

He just bought a bigass “cat tree” for my kitties to climb all over. I think it cost about two hundred bucks – which admittedly isn’t a lot of money to him, but it sure isn’t nothing. He’s going to buy me a workbench at some point and I bet this will also be a couple hundred bucks.

Today we needed cat food so he bought us some.

On the way back with the cat food, walking through the underground parking lot with a bag of food in one hand and The Dandy’s hand in the other, I told him something like “So…every time I feel this way, everything falls to shit soon after, so I feel like I’m jinxing myself even saying this, but…I always did want this relationship to be permanent but now I’m starting to feel like it actually could be. It might actually work, long term. You make me happy.” I squeezed his hand. He squeezed back. I added, “I really want to be your person. Y’know? The one who’s there for you. The one who takes care of you if god forbid you get sick again. All of it. Are you my person?”

The Dandy smiled beatifically and gave me a shy sideways look. “I think so,” he said.

Cool.

 

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Furniture addiction

The Dandy and I have had a weird run of luck with finding discarded furniture in our apartment building’s garbage room lately!

We found a matched set of carved wooden…nighttables, maybe? Cubes that each have a door on the front and a shelf inside. A little while after that, there was the mahogany dresser and nightstand and my display case, which I mentioned before. A little while after that, there was a solid wood dresser – the tall skinny kind – that I think I might put in my walk-in closet and replace my old Ikea dressers. It’s an ugly colour so I plan to paint it.

Tonight we found another solid wood dresser, this one the low and wide kind with a mirror on top (one of the wooden pieces that attaches the mirror to the dresser is broken, but The Dandy is handy. He’s a handy Dandy. So this can be fixed. 😀 ). I’m tentatively thinking of putting it next to my bed where my black-and-purple little Ikea dressers are now; the drawers of our scavenged dresser are deeper and it would be nice to have a mirror. If I do put the dresser there, though, I’ll be wanting to paint it black and purple as well – my blanket is purple and having a piece of purple furniture in the room really ties things together.

The Dandy and Dandette have found many things in the garbage room over the years but I don’t know that they’ve ever had this much of a continuous winning streak. This crop  of new-to-us furniture all came about during maybe a six-week period.

I feel a bit conflicted about all of this. I have perfectly serviceable dressers I’m using. I’m kind of “over” the Ikea Malm ones in the closet (but I mean they’re in the closet and I rarely even see them so who cares) but the ones next to the bed are solid pine (ie not the shittiest quality ever…maybe only second- or third-shittiest) and I put a lot of work into customizing them. I kind of love them. And I feel bad for taking furniture that someone else might need more than us. And I feel like, since both of our newest garbage-finds are a “meh” colour that The Dandy and I don’t particularly like, maybe we should’ve left them for someone else. Like with my luck I’ll put a bunch of effort into repainting them and two weeks later the garbage room will offer up another gorgeous mahogany piece that’s more what I would have wanted anyway.

The thing is, though, I’m used to being poor (technically I’m still poor, it’s The Dandy who’s raised my quality of life) and being poor tends to make people into hoarders – we need to hold onto whatever we can because we can’t easily buy replacements for anything. I dearly hope The Dandy and I never break up, but if we do, I would do well to have some really solid, high-quality furniture that’ll last me through many moves and many decades so I don’t ever have to spend money to replace them. These two dressers may be kind of ugly but they’re well-made and I would not be able to afford something so nice on my own.

That explains why I’m such a hoarder. I don’t understand why The Dandy is. He makes a lot of money and he’s found a ton of great cast-off furniture here for free – I mean it’s not like he’s only ever found one nice, useable thing in the garbage room ever, he’s furnished most of our apartment with garbage furniture. He’s accustomed to abundance; he of all people should be able to go “Hmm, there’s a solid wood dresser up for grabs buttttt actually it’s kind of ugly so nah. I’ll just wait for something better to come along, or go to a store and buy exactly what I want.”

He’s talking about using my old Ikea dressers to hold tools and shit in the living room if/when I make the switcheroo. He has a hard time ever letting anything go. I’m a little afraid we’ll just keep acquiring more and more and more free furniture that we can’t bear to part with and he also won’t let go of the shit it’s replacing and we’ll end up crushed to death under an avalanche of dressers.

On the bright side, his hoarding tendencies mean that even if I swap out my beloved black-and-purple dressers, we probably won’t be getting rid of them entirely. I don’t have to throw them out or anything.

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Humming along

I still wish The Dandy would initiate sex more often. He said it “doesn’t occur to him” though and although that infuriates me because I can’t understand why and he can’t or won’t tell me, I’ve sorta taken it on board and tried to adjust my expectations. Basically: he says he’d be good to have sex with me every day; he also indicates that he probably won’t initiate. So I have been, and he’s been saying yes. So that’s cool.

He often takes a while to get hard and I have to make a concerted effort at it. This bugs me a bit; between me having to do the asking and then me having to work and work and work at getting him hard (and him not giving me foreplay, really, ever) it’s hard not to feel like shit’s a bit perfunctory for him.

Really my ideal situation would be for sex to happen organically, with nobody really asking per se – someone starts up a makeout session – usually with no real goal in mind – and maybe it builds into something else or maybe it doesn’t. But The Dandy is simply not a makey-outy person, so that’s not a dynamic that can happen with us. As I’ve mentioned before, all his kisses are pecks at best; there’s no coaxing him into longer, more sensual/creative kisses. He gives individual smooches and pulls back, and if I try to keep my lips on his, his body language broadcasts “this is pointless/ha ha very funny stop now/what are you even doing I do not understand.”

Petting would also work at a potential sexual segue (by “petting” I mean the light full-body caresses I love) but oddly The Dandy never uses petting that way. He’ll pet me to sleep or pet me absent-mindedly while doing other things; he’ll pet me during sex, I suspect because my moans turn him on; but it’s like it doesn’t occur to him that there’s a sexual component to petting for me and he could use it to turn me on.

Anyway. I made myself a chocolatey, boozey drink this afternoon and alcohol makes my clit tingle for some reason so off I went to ambush The Dandy. He was just getting up from the computer to go somewhere. I yanked him toward me by the lapels of his bathrobe and said “SEX NOW?”

“I just agreed to go meet some people!” he protested.

“What time?”

“5pm.”

“What time is it now?”

“About 4pm.”

“Were you planning on showering before heading out?”

“I was.”

“Oh. Then we’re doomed.” The Dandy takes preposterously long showers.

“Wellll I was just gonna run through quickly.”

“Run through quickly?” I repeated, flicking my eyes downward to indicate that I had something he could run through quickly…

He chuckled and said “just let me pee first.”

I opted to do a Hitachi Sandwich during the sex with him on top, and it felt amazing but he came before I could. I flipped on top of him and laid the vibrator on his belly and kept grinding up on it but I got self-conscious and ended up getting off beside him, instead. Still, though. It was a good orgasm and fun sex and it all left me feeling TOPPY AS FUUUUUUCK.

“I like when you’re my sex-furniture,” I murmured afterward during post-coital snuggles. I’m sure he knows what I mean by “sex-furniture” – that his body is a tool/hump-toy for getting me off.

A bit later, when he’d gotten up and was getting ready to go out, I said “Say you like being my sex-furniture.”

“I…like being your sex-furniture?” which, written down like that, sounds like he was being tentative or trying to broadcast that he was only parroting my words and didn’t mean them. But no, his tone was more like he was startled that it wasn’t obvious to me. Which, fair enough, he did come one time from me humping his pelvis with my Hitachi between us and his penis wasn’t even inside me.

Anyway. We had super fun sex today and we’ve generally been doing sexual stuff most days lately and that makes me happy. I almost feel as though The Dandy took my complaints about always having to initiate to heart and – though he still doesn’t initiate much – he at least made a decision to stop shooting me down all the time when I do. Or something. It feels as though he’s decided to take on putting out for me as a job of sorts and considers initiating to be mine. Maybe I’m wrong.  At any rate things are pretty okay lately.

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RAWR

Funny how different people perceive things. If I remind The Dandy of a thing he needs to do, he bristles; I think he feels like I’m being a bossy mother figure. When he reminds me of a thing I need to do (for myself, I mean; not a household thing) it feels like he’s looking out for me.

I have a costumed gig coming up and still needed to finish my outfit for it. I’m a terrible procrastinator and also ridiculously absent-minded. I’d decided yesterday that I would for sure work on it today, but then when today actually came I somehow forgot and was just puttering around doing nothing in particular. The Dandy (who’s on vacation for two weeks, so he’s around all the time) came up and mock-sternly said “are you working on your costume?” and I swear I melted into goo.  He thinks about me! He wants to make sure my stuff is done on time so I’m not unduly stressed out! I gushed that I love him and I gave him a big hug and smooches all over his face and then I went and started laying out my fabric. 🙂

Later, when the costume was all done, I wandered into The Dandy’s room half-naked to tell him something or kiss him or something and he said “you should wear that instead of your costume.” I grinned at him and he grinned and ogled me and (he was naked too; we’re kind of nudists around the house) I saw that he was getting hard just looking at me. Then he lightly grasped the base of his cock and wiggled it at me. This is one of his “let’s have sex” signals and it was on like Donkey Kong.

My recent list of Things That Make Me Happy included initiating sex and ogling me more so I feel attractive, btw. Plus eye contact during sex, which he did again today. *Swoooon.*

Also, we had a talk the other day about how he kinda goes along with it when I want an orgasm, but doesn’t offer me them per se, and it makes me feel like he’s not that into the process. He said he feels awkward offering.

Today during the sex, his climax was a misfire (he started to come but then kind of…didn’t). I thought as much from his breathing pattern but asked him just to make sure and he confirmed. “D’you wanna continue with the sex, then?” I said. He said yes but maybe in a few hours because he was worn out. I laughed and said okay.

Then he added “I mean, I’m not too worn out to do anything…” and I recognized that as him telling me he was up for helping me get off. Okay, it was subtle, but I’m thrilled he’s venturing out of his comfort zone. I had him thrust my dildo for me while I Hitachi’d myself and I came twice and it was absolutely lovely.

All it took was a couple of slight adjustments and it’s like everything is on track and I’m happy. Let’s hope this keeps up. 🙂

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Blue laser beams

Today The Dandy and I had sex (on my initiative) and he looked into my eyes as he came. He’s never ever done this before – he’s always been an eyes-closed-the-entire-time person. Making eye contact with him in that moment was incredibly intimate for me and gave me an immediate braingasm. Purrrrrrrrrrrr.

That list I recently emailed him of things that make me happy mentioned eye contact during sex, so I think he did that today just for me.

I have all the stomach butterflies now. All of them. ❤

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Reset

I had a talk with The Dandy where I vented a whole bunch about our sex life. He mostly didn’t say anything, which of course is infuriating. Like, I reminded him about the time I’d asked him to come snuggle me to sleep and he said he’d be there shortly, and in the meantime I decided to get off and it really really seemed as though The Dandy deliberately avoided being present for that. And he didn’t – when I recapped that incident – respond with “Noooo, of course I don’t find your orgasms disgusting and I wasn’t trying to avoid you. Here is what my actual thought process was.” He also didn’t say “Yeah, I was kind of staying away on purpose and here’s why.” He only protested “But you said you didn’t want me to come join you if I could hear you using your Hitachi.”

“Yeah, I said that after that incident because it sucked so much knowing you made the choice not to participate.”

I told him that him saying he’d ideally have sex once a day or more was the biggest gutpunch I’ve had since I asked my ex-husband how often he jerked off.* I realized, out loud, that I’d asked how often he ideally wanted to have sex, not how often he ideally wanted to have sex with me, so maybe I should’ve been more specific.

I had the conversation asking him what he needs in order to feel desired; the things he listed are things that I do already, and he says that indeed he does know that I want him. So I asked him why he hasn’t been initiating sexual stuff with me lately – he knows I generally desire him and he knows that I’ve been wanting more sex than we’ve been having. It’s not like there’s emotional risk to him hitting on me. And yet he apparently wants to have sex every day and when I was like “so why haven’t we been?!” he says “well you haven’t been initiating” – but he doesn’t make me feel desired. He doesn’t ogle or compliment me. And a month or two ago when I was trying to hit on him all the time he shot me down so much that I gave up. So why is it my job to orchestrate all the sex? Why am I supposed to bang my head against that particular brick wall? He allegedly wants sex with me, he knows I’m into it, so why isn’t he asking?

After a long silence he finally said “Well, d’you wanna do it tonight?” which was so beside the point that it made me wanna facepalm into infinity. And being angry/sad/vulnerable isn’t conducive to me wanting sex. But I said okay anyway because, as usual, I didn’t know when the next time would be so I might as well take what I could get.

This was a few nights ago and we actually have done something sexual every day for the next three or four days – mostly at my initiation. Yesterday I didn’t feel like it and he didn’t initiate it. Today I’d be up for it but I’m not super desperate and I’m annoyed at always being the one to start things up so I’m gonna probably wait and see if he does.

But the day before yesterday after we fucked I tried to talk about all these issues again. I asked (again) if he wasn’t initiating sex because he doesn’t want it with me – if there’s some issue he was having that made him wanna spend his drive for orgasms on wanking, instead. He insisted that there’s nothing wrong. I asked (not for the first time) if he’d feel comfortable telling me if there was. He said yes, and then, seeing the expression on my face: “Your anxiety is putting you into a loop where you won’t believe anything I say.”

“No,” I said. “Anxiety is somewhat at play here, fine, but also there’s precedent. My ex-husband stopped having sex with me and I asked if it was because he had some emotional issue with me and he insisted for months or years that everything was fine…and then eventually he realized that whoops, yeah, I’d been right all along. And shit like that happened a bunch; I was consistently a few months ahead of him in knowing what was going on in his mind. He was not terribly self-aware. A lot of men aren’t.”

I continued: “I had another ex who stopped being able to get erections with me and said it was a low sex drive thing. Except eventually he admitted that it only happened with me, not his other partners. He kept saying he would figure out what was up and fix it, but he wasn’t actually doing anything to figure things out that I could tell, and one day I was perusing his FetLife profile and saw the huge list of sex parties he’d RSVP’d to and I just snapped and broke up with him. He didn’t fight me on it; he just said okay. It seems pretty obvious that he wasn’t into me anymore, like, at all, but strung me along because he was too chicken to say so.”

“So,” I concluded, “there’s been somewhat of a pattern of guys not wanting to fuck me anymore and insisting it wasn’t anything to do with me except it totally was. It’s pretty understandable that I’d be wondering if it was happening again. It doesn’t require an anxiety disorder to be thinking these things.”

I tried to keep on talking/hashing things out/seeking answers from him and he said that he didn’t want to keep talking about this – that big long relationship talks just annoy him. I don’t know why his annoyance should be more important than my perfectly reasonable fears and questions, but fine. I backed off for the time being.

I asked him about this, later, and he said he hates long/intense “relationship talks” because he’s always afraid they mean I’m gonna break up with him.

I was like “So…when I’m very obviously being clingy and sad because I think you don’t want me…you’re thinking I’m on the verge of leaving?”

He said yes and I facepalmed.

I asked if there was anything I could do to reassure him. Do I need to say “I’m not leaving you but…” before I ever bring up an issue with him? He said maybe. I pointed out that I’ve said numerous times that I want this relationship to hopefully be permanent – but I guess whatever sense of security that gives him doesn’t “stick”? He said that was correct.

What I ended up proposing (and I’m surprised he said yes to it; I didn’t think the idea would resonate with him) was that I make him a list of the actions that send me head-over-heels for a person (seriously, provided the basic chemistry/compatibility is there, it is so fucking easy to make me fall in love with you – and equally easy to make my fiery in-love feelings burn out to nothing). Then if he wants to he can look at the list and know that as long as he’s doing a lot of the things, I’m happy. And maybe that will reassure him.

And, as I said, he said yes to this. So I drafted up a list and emailed it to him. Since then I can tell he’s been actually putting forth effort to do the things on the list. I can’t really let myself enjoy it though because I’m fairly sure he’s just being super keen because the list is new (and because we’ve been fighting), and at some point he’ll slack off. This thing where he’s being extra-sweet and solicitous is not his final form.

Still, I’m hoping when things settle into whatever their base-level will be, that I’ll be getting all the stuff I need more regularly than I am now.

The night I made the list, we also had a talk about what he needs in a relationship in order to feel happy. It was pretty illuminating. Words of Affirmation are a way more important love language to him than I’d realized. I compliment him all the time, mind you, but he never visibly reacts so I didn’t think he cared. He does, though.

Also, at one point I asked if his fear of me leaving even had anything to do with me, or if he was just scared to be alone. He’s told me before that most if not all of his exes broke up with him, after a long long time of the relationship being functionally dead and him not saying anything. He said the main reason for him not breaking up with Dandette or his horrible ex wife before that was that neither of them could take care of themselves so he’d be kicking them out on the streets. I said sure but they were both awful people so I’m not sure why that would be an issue for him. He said “Well also I was afraid of having to make support payments.” I don’t believe him. I think his biggest motivation for not breaking things off was  garden variety fear of solitude/fear nobody else would want him/not wanting to feel like a failure. The other stuff is probably a factor, but secondary by a long shot.

Anyway, The Dandy told me that his fear of me leaving is because he doesn’t want to lose me. Which is sweet to hear but again I don’t entirely believe him. Dude hasn’t lived alone in like fifteen years. I don’t think he knows how anymore.

Although, knowing now that he’s hugely into being complimented, I can see what the bulk of my appeal is and why he legitimately wouldn’t want to lose that.

Anyway, let’s hope my list of How To Keep Cowgirl Madly In Love gets well-used.

 

*Ex-husband and I would go for months at a time with no sexual contact whatsoever. No intercourse, no oral, no hand stuff. No kissing, even, beyond occasional grandmotherly pecks on the lips. None of this was my idea. Ex said he guessed he just had a really low sex drive. I’m not sure why I asked him about his masturbatory habits; to reassure myself that he really was pretty much asexual, I guess, and not just repulsed by me in particular. But when I asked how often he jerked off, he said “a few times a week.” He was orgasming several times a week and not sharing any of that sexual energy with me even though I was going mad from deprivation and had literally cried to him over it.

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