Tag Archives: The Dandy

Completion

It always bothered me when I’d see unicorn-hunting couples seeking a woman (it’s always a woman) to “complete their relationship.” I feel like a person’s relationship should feel complete all on its own or else it might not be that great of a relationship in the first place. I mean of course one person probably won’t have identical interests to yours, but is that what couples mean when they talk about someone “completing” them? Is it like, “I want someone to go to horror moves with because he won’t and he wants someone to watch sports with because I won’t”? TBH I never see unicorn-seeking ads mention anything about personality or interests so I suspect all that’s being “completed” is the both people’s interest in having a woman to fuck. BUT ANYWAY.

Personally, I never had any interest in being part of a triad or V. It seemed too complicated; too enmeshed. But now here I am. And Dandette keeps saying things indicating that my presence here makes things better. Maybe I “complete” them.*

From what I can tell, the cleaning of the kitchen has been a bone of contention with the two of them; seems like neither of them wants to do it and there’s frequently a standoff of sorts. Now that I’ve volunteered to be the official kitchen cleaner, everyone’s happy.

Dandette loves taking care of people and has housewifely aspirations (not kidding), but what makes it fulfilling for her is praise. The Dandy doesn’t give her that very much; maybe he’s used to her cooking. For me it’s an amazing novelty. Dandette does fancy shit, yo! She feeds us herb-crusted salmon and quinoa salad and stuffed chicken breasts n shit. Every single motherfucking evening I’m just gobsmacked by my good fortune, and I gush to Dandette about her awesome food, and she glows. 😀

Dandette and I are on an I-love-you basis now. The other day she said it to the room in general (in which The Dandy and I were both present) and I said it back and she was like “Seeeee?!? Cowgirl says it back!” so I guess that’s another thing she’d been needing.

I’m enjoying the effusive verbal affection from Dandette, too. And, obviously, the food. And she’s better at helping me with my anxiety than The Dandy is (although – and I’ve made this very plain to him – I intend to teach him as much as I can. Dandette’s presence is not a get-out-of-emotional-labour-free card for him!). I intend to help Dandette with hers, too (she’s been on a really even keel lately though so I haven’t had to).

The Dandy has in many ways been sheltered from the realities of life. His parents made good money; he went to a private school and then university and they paid for all of it; now he makes almost six figures. He recently bought himself a pair of $700 shoes online and it wasn’t even a big deal to him (this on top of paying for an $1,800 apartment and buying food for three people and two animals and, I’m pretty sure, eating lunch in restaurants every single weekday), but anytime I refer to him as “rich” or imply that he’s doing well for himself, he laughs and shakes his head – dude is not grounded in reality. Dandette and I both help ground him.

The Dandy is dominant and a sadist. So am I, so he and I can’t really play together. But Dandette is a submissive masochist.

So…maybe we complete each other. I’m still a little squicked by that terminology but at the same time I like feeling as though I have a place here; that there’s a reason I fit in. I like this living arrangement so far and I want it to succeed.

 

*Also, though, I was the one who pushed The Dandy to reunite with her, and I think she knows that. So I’d imagine she likes me a lot for that reason…

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Consummated

I had a model gig last night and when I got home, Dandette was hanging out on the couch and I sat with her. She said she’d found out that when The Dandy is talking about his pen collection, he doesn’t even notice when someone’s playing with his dick. She said she kinda had to point out to him that she was hitting on him…and that because it’s been so long since he’s gone bareback (Dandette has an IUD) he only lasted thirty seconds. And that’s how I learned that Dandette and The Dandy had finally fucked.

I’m fine with it except for the huge, raging wall of jealousy over the bareback-ness. The ultimate insult to injury is that Dandette (from what I can tell) is a person who defines “good sex” around a guy being able to do PIV for a long time. I on the other hand have a fetish for premature ejaculation, specifically when it’s caused by the sex just being soooo hot or the sensations being sooooooo good that the guy can’t help himself (as opposed to, I dunno, a guy who just never takes very long and there’s no real reason for it). I got to experience that once or twice with The Pedant but that’s basically it – oddly, despite all the disparaging rumours about virgins, the ones I avidly sought out in my youth all took forever to come when they fucked me for the first time. And now The Pedant is all in love n shit with some other woman and has rescinded my barebacking privileges yet again, so I don’t get to go condomless with anyone.

I did tell Dandette all this. Not in a tone like I was mad about her sex with The Dandy or anything. Just sharing my thoughts. We commiserated a bit.

Then The Dandy came into the room. Dandette has grown to love picking on him, especially in conjunction with me. And The Dandy – though he’s dominant and not into being humiliated per se – always pitches a tent solely based on the fact that two women are paying attention to him at once. And him getting hard from basically being bullied kinda works for me, so I keep on participating. And so we ended up stripping his lower body in tandem and making his erection into a Hallowe’en ghost (Kleenex with a drawn-on face draped over). Then we decided to draw a face on his actual penis. It had a monocle and a curly mustache. And then Dandette mused out loud “I bet I could lick his balls while you suck his cock” and in some ways I didn’t feel ready for co-sexing him, but I wasn’t horrified enough by it to actually refuse, so that happened for a minute or two. Then I backed off and Dandette started going to town on his cock with her mouth. I kind of wanted to graciously excuse myself, but I also felt I should probably try to get comfortable with this brand new thing of seeing my boyfriend with someone else. Also, I felt like maybe Dandette needed a bit of reassurance that I was okay with the two of them. So I stayed and watched and petted her hair, but didn’t really engage. Eventually she came up for air and asked if I wanted a turn. I said nah, that’s okay – mostly because of the saliva factor.

But another factor in all of this is all the cultural baggage. There’s such a pervasive idea in society, still, that women are trophies doled out to men who do good things, and that men inherently have a right to sex in whatever form or amount they choose. And of course anyone who hears about our household arrangement is probably going to assume that Dandette and I are both submissive and just yearning to worship The Dandy’s cock like good little women (as opposed to what actually happened, which was more like me telling them “Oh, quit with the sexual tension and just fuck already!” so I could get on with my life) And The Dandy gets so goddamned smug when Dandette and I are both snuggling him or otherwise paying attention to him that it looks like he’s thinking “It’s true – good guys DO get rewarded with pussy!” Like it would be one thing if he seemed just plain happy, or overwhelmed by his good fortune, but there’s an air of gloating that I’m not crazy about.

And yeah, the moment The Dandy reconnected with Dandette, his brain went toward the idea of threesomes (Dandette asked him if he was thinking that and he looked all blushy and embarrassed soooooo). I’m straight and Dandette is bi but not necessarily attracted to me (I haven’t asked). Maybe The Dandy is just fantasizing and not thinking/hoping/expecting that it would ever happen, but I don’t know. And I’m reluctant to team up on him with Dandette sexually because I’d feel like I was fulfilling every sexist stereotype ever, not to mention The Dandy’s smug face would no doubt reach intolerable proportions.

And yet, in that little hiatus where nobody was sucking his cock, The Dandy made some hint that he’d really like us to finish him off, and Dandette and I both pretended we didn’t know what he was getting at because we both hate coy language and wanted to make him say it outright, and he did say it outright, and I ended up giving him a hand job for a bit while Dandette played with his balls.

Interestingly (it has only just now occurred to me that maybe Dandette wasn’t entirely ready to share one of The Dandy’s orgasms, either), Dandette made some remark about how The Dandy was barely making any noise or acknowledging us so really, we might as well just watch tv or something. I said “what should we watch?” (but was still totally thinking this was all a joke to freak him out, and he’d ask us to keep going and we’d go back to getting him off) and Dandette said “Futurama” and called it up on Netflix and The Dandy didn’t say anything so we did actually abandon his cock and snuggle up to watch a few episodes instead.

I think it was sometime after that that The Dandy and I engaged in a bit of light impact play with Dandette. I’m not sure I should have done that. I dunno. She’s a masochist and I’m a sadist and we seem to have considerable compatible interests in that realm, plus we could both use an outlet. But I have a horrible tendency to be really into the chase and then lose interest once I’ve “caught” the person, and I don’t want to start up some whole big ambiguously sexual thing with a person I live with and then one day just be like “Meh, no more play. I’m done with that now.”

At the same time, I feel a kind of pressure (more from myself than either of them, I think) to try to close our V into a full triad, if only because it would be so convenient and adorable and symmetrical. And also, sadism seems to light The Dandy up more than any sexual thing I could ever do for him and if we top Dandette together then maybe he’d associate me with some of those lit-up feelings.

Sooooo I paddled Dandette’s ass for a while last night and then The Dandy spanked her while I held her head in place by a fistful of her hair. And her face went all feral in a way I’ve seen on boys I’ve played with, and I simultaneously loved bringing that out in her but also felt like I was tiptoeing around some dangerous territory. Like, I should probably not be doing things that give her that face until I either know I won’t wanna back away from the dynamic anytime soon, or have an open talk with here where I tell her this may not be a thing I’ll be up for forever and make sure she gets that and is okay with it.

Aside from all that, there was a whole lot of mutual cuddling and Dandette discovered that I make happy sounds when she strokes the backs of my knees (and I let her continue but I’m a bit conflicted about receiving those sensations from a woman…petting is somewhat sexual for me but I don’t think I’m sexually attracted to her so I don’t want to mislead or use her. It’s complicated). At some point Dandette made an offhanded remark about how she’s used to being naked around the house (it seemed less like a targeted, territorial thing this time and more just an offhanded remark) and I said “I feel like I could get back to casual apartment nudity at some point, but right now there’s just way too much new stuff I’m processing” and Dandette said “Totally fair.”

I do like the idea of us all being comfortable naked though. If nothing else, it’d be easier for the animals if we could leave the doors ajar all the time. I’m forever closing the bedroom door in order to sleep naked and then having to get up to let some furry bastard in or out.

After our big weird night of quasi-sexual togetherness, Dandette said she needed to go to bed but it would be hard to leave the cuddle puddle. She asked The Dandy where he wanted to sleep, in her room with her or in his/my room with me. He looked to me and I said I’d honestly be fine with whatever, and I excused myself to brush my teeth. I really thought I meant what I said but when I heard The Dandy tell Dandette that he felt I needed some attention and she’d had him all evening, I did feel grateful. As we got ready for bed I quietly asked how he was doing. He said he was fine and asked how I was doing. I said it had been a weird night and I needed to process a lot of things, but I was pretty sure I wouldn’t end up freaking out or horrified or anything; I figured either I’d be up to continue along the same path of open sharing, or I’d start tactfully leaving when Dandette started sexytimes up with him. But I also said that I really wanted to have sex with him one-on-one soon, just as a kind of reassurance that he’s still into me as an individual person. He totally understood. We slid into bed and cuddled up together and I told him I loved him and for once instead of replying “I know” he said he loved me too and I had a brief little stress-release cry and he petted my head until I fell asleep.

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A Weird Thing

So, how things went down with the three of us is, it came out that The Dandy and Dandette had been sort of dating again on our hiatus and he hadn’t told me (and then broke up with Dandette again pretty soon after I came back). Dandette had thought I’d known this piece of info. I think she’d somewhat made her peace with everything. But then the lie surfaced and The Dandy handled shit really, really badly (he told her they hadn’t actually been dating, that time, and he’d only fucked her because he was lonely and desperate!!!) and of course Dandette got really upset and a bunch of feelings came rushing to the surface.

A few days later I ended up comforting her as she cried on the couch. She said she didn’t think she could live here anymore but she didn’t know where she could go. She said she’d always been in love with The Dandy and had always wanted him back and seeing that he was mine now just hurt too much. I hugged her and rubbed her back and wished there was something I could say. I was impressed with her for hating the situation but not hating me. She really is so much more strong and badass than I’d ever given her credit for. I mean, thanks to The Dandy covering up the fact that they’d been having sex again, there were all these times that I would visit and think “Jeez, Dandette and The Dandy broke up two fucking years ago and she’s still acting territorial, get the fuck over it already!” when in fact she either believed we were both dating him at that moment or else The Dandy had just broken her heart again and she was stuck watching him dote lovingly on me (depending on what time we’re talking about exactly). And even as The Dandy hoped Dandette and I would bond and become friends, he let me say these disparaging things about her acting weird and jealous and never once said “well, actually……..”

Anyway. Setting aside how terrible this all was for Dandette, the thing about The Dandy’s lie that affected me the most is that I sensed it. I’d see the two of them act overly familiar and I’d be like “So…you’re broken up, though, right?” and he’d say yeah, no sexual attraction at all, and then they’d get into a playfight that clearly aroused both of them and I’d quietly ask again later, “you’re really just friends?” and he’d say yeah, she was like family to him. (For that matter Dandette referred to him as her brother, once, but I think she was trying to suppress her real feelings; I don’t fault her for that or think of her as deceiving me). And I’m thinking “I don’t have siblings, but I feel like…this…isn’t….normal……..?”

It wasn’t the idea that The Dandy and Dandette might have unresolved feelings that bugged me (or…not much, anyway). It was the huge, huge gulf between the words and actions. That’s why I repeatedly asked him “but there’s really nothing going on?” – because it one hundred percent seemed like there was and The Dandy kept insisting there wasn’t and I felt like I was going crazy! It was actually a tremendous relief to learn what was actually going on. I’m not crazy. I did see sexual tension. They weren’t acting like siblings.

And it was crushing to see Dandette so sad, and it was obvious to me that The Dandy was still drawn to her in some capacity, so the next day when The Dandy and I were alone together on an errand at my old apartment I said “Look, do you love Dandette?” and he said yeah, he felt like he still did. And I told him that if he wanted to resume things with her (in addition to being with me) I’d be fine with it. I mean I’d already witnessed them being really damn couple-y; the only thing that would change if they made it official is they’d be making out and fucking again. Which would be weird for me at first but I was sure the weirdness would pass.

He said the main reason he hadn’t gotten back together with her before is that she really, really relies on sexual attention from men for validation, and he was afraid of her getting too dependent on him for that, especially since she already depends on him for food and shelter. He also said that he worried that she only wanted him because she’s kinda single right now and his dick was convenient to her. He would want to make sure her interest in him was genuine before proceeding. That’s fair. He also said, though, that in the past he’d been hesitant to get back together with her because her anxiety issues were huuuuge and he was the only one she went to for help. Now she’s in treatment and she’s got me there to help, too, so he’s not dealing with it all by himself. He said he felt like maybe they could get back together and it would work.

So we decided to talk things out with Dandette that night. Or maybe just I decided. On the way home from my old place The Dandy needed to stop by his aunt’s for a bit, so we did that. And she was very nice and it was a pleasant visit but I was antsy as fuck wanting to get out of there and have The Talk with Dandette. The Dandy didn’t seem antsy at all, and when we got home he acted perfectly normal and didn’t broach the subject of reuniting. It occurred to me that he had less reason to broach than I did; he wasn’t the one feeling like an interloper. I was stuck in the middle of their drama in a way that he kinda…wasn’t.

At any rate, we got home and said hi to Dandette and discussed what to have for dinner and Dandette declared an intention of throwing on some Futurama for us all to watch and I, with my usual deft subtlety, chose that moment to burst out with “So hey, here’s a question: you seem to rely on sex in order to feel desired, so if theoretically you and The Dandy were to get back together, but he wanted to have sex with me one night instead of you, or god forbid you guys just didn’t end up working out…how would you handle that?”

Dandette paused Netflix and sat frozen for a minute or two. Finally she slowly said to me “Are those your worms?” – she was referring to a thing The Dandy had told her in the aftermath of the Big Reveal – that he hadn’t thought it would be a good idea to have sex with her because it would “open a whole can of worms” (but then he did it anyway because lonely and desperate).

“I think they’re more The Dandy’s worms,” I said. (And yeah, I know it’s kinda bullshit that I was the one who had to pull those worms into the light. Feels like The Dandy spent a whole lot of time spinning his wheels and making excuses with Dandette after the Big Reveal, but never plainly said what was on his mind…)

When I’d been imagining this talk all afternoon, it went one of two ways: 1) Dandette agreed entirely too quickly that nah, it would be fine, we’d make it work” and then she cried and kissed The Dandy and told him she loved him and dragged him off for a reunion fuck or 2) The three of us had a really thorough, down-to-Earth talk where we made a game plan for how to make this work, and then Dandette cried and kissed The Dandy and etc. All day long I’d been bracing myself to deal with the weirdness of hearing them fuck, and also happily anticipating that moment of “OMG I never stopped loving you and now we’re back together.”

What happened instead was: I asked the question, she asked if those were my worms, I said they were more The Dandy’s than mine, and Dandette sat silently for another little while and then changed the subject. The rest of the night went as though nothing had even happened – but a day or two later I overheard her saying to someone that she and The Dandy were back together. But I know they haven’t fucked and I haven’t even seen them kiss and basically everything seems about like it was before except Dandette is less sad.

So the other day when The Dandy and I were alone, I asked “Hey, have you and Dandette talked any more about getting back together?”

“Not really,” he said.

“Because, like, we had that talk where I said that she depends on sex for validation and I asked how she would deal with that, and a little while later she started referring to the two of you as back together, but she never actually answered the question, is the thing.”

The Dandy chuckled and said “yeah.”

“And you never got a chance to talk about your other thing of whether she wants you or just convenient dick. We went straight from me asking a non-rhetorical question about relationship logistics to you guys deciding you were back together, with no discussion in between. I just feel like if this is what passes for communication between you two, there are probably gonna be some issues.”

The Dandy nodded. Then one or the other of us (I think him but I’m not sure) pointed out that there hadn’t been any sex or anything, either. We speculated as to whether Dandette was suddenly feeling a kind of  “stage fright” (not wanting to screw this up because the stakes are so high) or if she only wanted The Dandy when she thought she couldn’t have him or what. We don’t know.

I encouraged him to try to have the difficult talk with her at some point (the implication being: this is your relationship, so it’s up to you to manage it; I’m not gonna mediate).

Like, I don’t care about this a lot, because our present ambiguous thing seems to be working and for the most part this is not my circus and not my monkeys. But ti’s weird. Also I’m seeing a definite pattern of The Dandy not trusting his partners to hear the truth of things, and that seems like it’s gonna be an ongoing struggle for all of us. Feh.

 

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Ah. There it is.

I figured my overwhelmingly huge fear of commitment would rear its ugly head sooner or later, and here it is. Maybe it’s here because I’ve mostly moved all my stuff over, so the where-will-I-live stress and the moving stress have dissipated and I finally have time to feel my feelings. Maybe it’s here because the wonderful FL boy is gone and I crave more sexy adventures but I share a bedroom with The Dandy here and this puts serious restrictions on what I can do. Maybe it’s here because my asshole brain doesn’t ever let me enjoy anything for long. But yeah.

Or maybe I’m feeling panicky and trapped because of a convo The Dandy and I had last night. We were lying around after sex and I reminded him how the first time I said I loved him, he wasn’t able to say it back, and I asked him if he could tell me what had been going on in his head then (it’s an old therapist’s trick to avoid asking someone “why” – that sounds like demanding someone defend their actions/choices/whatever, and can seem hostile and make the other person clam up. So that’s why I worded my question like I did. It’s hard as hell to not just use that word, though. It’s not a habit for me yet). He said that it was hard for him to say because he’d said it to people in the past and things had gone badly. I asked in what way and he shrugged and said “divorce?” Ah, so he wasn’t meaning immediate bad things happening after dropping an L-bomb, he meant that it sucks to say I love you to someone and then eventually have it not be true anymore.

I said that I, too, am cynical and feel like possibly all relationships are doomed to end. But I don’t want my fear to keep me from enjoying the fun beginning part, so I jump on in. Fuck it. But I also told him that my fears manifest themselves in other ways – namely, my brain or emotions will function with a guy, but not both. I can either be totally turned on and have great sex but feel numb inside, or definitely feel like I’m falling in love but my libido and orgasms are all messed up. It’s my brain’s way of keeping a little distance until I trust the guy enough to know he won’t ghost.

“Well, you’re stuck with me now,” The Dandy said, smiling (I think what he meant was we’re definitely past the point where he’ll ghost on me).  I smiled back but OMG IT’S TRUE I’M STUCK WITH HIM. The housing market is shitty and I have a freelance job that looks sketchy on apartment applications so I have nowhere else to go.

I feel comfortable with The Dandy, and I love him, but I’m not in love. In many ways this makes shacking up with him less scary because I have less to lose if things fuck up. At the same time, though, my being in a live-in relationship will scare off a lot of dudes and my not having my own bedroom will scare off most of the rest, so my dating pool just got a whole lot smaller. And I do want to one day have a boy or two that I’m in love with, dammit.

And the sex. Earlier last night I said to The Dandy that it’s a shame he has no erogenous zones other than his penis (he’s explicitly told me this). Then I mused out loud that maybe he has some but doesn’t know it because nobody had ever gone looking. The Dandy agreed that this was certainly plausible. So I went looking. Not too thoroughly, yet; just the common places (nipples, neck, ears, taint) but yeah: nothing. Or, well, it seemed like nipple stuff got a reaction but then he made me stop for whatever reason and I think it’d be douchey to insist that he liked it and should let me continue*.

My other idea was to keep on teasing him all night and see if that culminated in a stronger orgasm once we actually had sex, but when we threw on some Futurama and I intermittently stroked his cock, he didn’t get hard. And then I realized: that’s a pattern with him. His erections seem not to be a response to stimulation but a response to knowing we’re gonna have sex. If he’s in the mood for sex, he’ll get hard. If I’m touching him and he thinks it’s a preamble to sex, he’ll get hard. If he knows I’m just touching him for fun and I’ll probably stop any minute, though…nothin’.

Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy having sex with him. I have almost a fetish for a specific type of cock, and he has it; he can stay hard even when I’m using the Hitachi between us and just grinding up on him instead of thrusting; the physical intimacy makes me feel close to him. But there’s no nuance there, just mechanics. I can’t do anything to tease him or get him more turned on. He’s not one for dirty talk. Basically, I don’t feel like any of my sexual skills particularly have value with him. He’s just like “Oh, will we be having sex?” *sproing*thrust*thrust*splooge*. I asked him the other day what he considers “good in bed” where a woman is concerned. His answer was basically “She’s attractive to me, she lets me put my penis in her vagina, and she moves/reacts a little instead of just lying there like a dead fish.”

So this is the partner I ended up living with. This is my main source of sex. So utilitarian. Gahhhh.

Oh but here’s a terrifying thing: The Dandy is a dom/sadist and it turns out his main thing is needle play – which Dandette is into**. A few months back when they were fucking again, they did some of that sort of play. I assumed this meant, y’know, doing that thing where you stick needles through a pinch of someone’s arm- or back-skin. Nope – The Dandy pushed needles entirely through Dandette’s nipples and labia. And if I mention anything about needle stuff he lights up in a way that he never, ever has for any sexual thing with me. And I’m happy for them and everything but I also feel like I may eventually be totally eclipsed by Dandette sexually and that’ll suck. I hope that if it happens, it’s not until we get into a bigger place where I have my own room. That way I can easily pursue my kinky fantasies, too.

*******

I actually started this entry like three days ago but didn’t have a chance to finish. I resumed writing it today as though it were a seamless continuation but actually time has passed and I do feel a bit better now. None of the above concerns have gone away or anything; I just don’t feel as trapped by them.

I think maybe my little emotional shitstorm was mostly me coming down from the delightful visit from the FL boy – going from all that attention and submission and pain play to, y’know….not. I bottomed out a little. I’m starting to level out now.

 

*I’ve had it happen before, though, that a partner was freaked out by a sensation because it was new and uncomfortably asked me to stop…but somehow, later on, the act became something they loved. So it’s a thing.

**I fucking asked him before what he likes as a dom/sadist, hoping I could find some area where I could meet him halfway; I was the only one seeing The Dandy at that point, and I wanted to make sure he was fulfilled. He kept on saying he didn’t know. Later it came out that he and Dandette had been doing needle play a few months back when they had quasi-rekindled their relationship and that he had enjoyed it a bunch. He said a lot of his porn stash is needle stuff. I was like “I asked you what you liked and you said you didn’t know!!!!! WTF?!?!?” He said he feels conflicted about being into hurting people so it felt too weird to tell me. I PUNCH BOYS FOR FUN. HE KNOWS THIS. Where’s the trust?

 

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Also

I feel like The Dandy has become a bit too perfunctory in the way he touches me – I mean when we were first dating (which was only five months ago, for pete’s sake) he once spent like ten minutes just stroking my inner elbows, fascinated by the sounds and squirms he could draw forth from me. And when we were doing naked stuff he would regularly put a finger or two inside me and do g-spot stuff, even if he knew it wasn’t really gonna lead anywhere. As long as I was having fun, he’d continue.

But for a while now it’s felt like petting me is an absent-minded thing he does while we watch Netflix (which is totally fine) or a quick “blah blah blah whatever can we have sex now?” strictly utilitarian foreplay thing (which is not fine).

It’s not even like I need him to pet me for that much longer than he’s been doing, in order to get in the mood for cock. I just want him to focus. I want to feel as though he’s paying attention to what he’s doing, noticing the spots that make me moan hardest and doubling back to touch them again, that sort of thing. As it stands he just doesn’t seem to be paying attention at all; he’ll run his fingers up and down my back, but not as lightly as I’d prefer and he’ll just keep on going monotonously up and down even though there are places along the way that make me react extra-hard.

So few men get mesmerized by petting me and I honestly can’t understand why. They’re touching an attractive naked woman and eliciting all manner of sounds from her. When I can make a partner vocalize and writhe, it’s fascinating to me. I’ll linger and see how long I can draw it out. For me I think it plugs into my dominance: I’m becoming an expert in my partner’s body and making it so I can play him like an instrument and get any reaction I want. That guy I had two dates with recently and then he bailed on me was  submissive, so I’d imagine for him it was more of an act of service, but he was completely into petting me. Like, dude was exactly like me in that respect. The Dandy, conversely, identifies as dominant, and initially he seemed to be the kind of dominant who thrives on provoking reactions and giving pleasure, but now…

I wonder if this is just the laziness that often comes from being in an established relationship or if he’s beginning to resent how much I’m leaning on him (what with him taking care of my cats and me staying there fairly often, kind of more to escape the neighbours and be with the kitties than to see him…) and it’s coming through in the sex? Like do I talk to him about this and tell him I’d like him to be more…detail oriented in bed? Or do I assert my independence and autonomy in some way just to make really damn sure he’s not accidentally thinking of me as a child or convalescent that he’s taking care of?

Annnnnyway, the actual thing I wanted to say with this post is that The Dandy and I had amazing sex the other day and I really needed that. It’s been feeling like our mojo is a little off.

Granted, the amazingness of the sex was pretty much just due to me using my Hitachi during it – all The Dandy did was stay hard (which is still noteworthy as many men can’t seem to maintain an erection if I’m grinding rather than thrusting). He wasn’t actively doing anything much, or having a better technique than usual, or anything. I was riding him and then I added the HItachi to the mix so that I was basically just humping the vibrator while The Dandy lay there with his dick in me. But that combination of things makes me come spectacularly hard and feels really intimate to me. So yeah. I came crazy hard to a point where the violence rose up in me and I shook and growled and clenched. And once I’d recovered slightly, I set the Hitachi aside and kept riding The Dandy – thrusting up and down this time – and it only took him a minute or two more to come, so between that and the fact that he stayed hard all through my Hitachi-ing, I think me getting off that way turns him on. Yay. 🙂

Having said that…I don’t know whether he and I can really last. It still bugs the shit out of me that Dandette lives with him and he’s paying for all her shit. It bugs me that he has boundary issues. I’ve noticed that he can’t say “no” to me; he’ll ignore a request or giggle awkwardly at it, but he won’t actually use his words and say no. And he’s got a saviour complex and yet at the same time I think he’s beginning to resent being a saviour (one time I offhandedly mentioned that I don’t think I ever want to live with a partner again because I like my alone-time and independence. I saw The Dandy’s face light up). So, he’ll do things for me, but I don’t really trust his motivations. I think there’s big potential for him to do things he doesn’t actually want to (either to offer out of obligation or to be afraid to say no when I ask for things) and end up resentful.

Also, I find that I kind of resent the massive money he makes. Partly because he’s using a big chunk of it on Dandette instead of me (there, I said it) but also because it renders him just so entirely out of touch with my experiences. Looking for an apartment is terrifying for me; places in my price range are small and/or sketchy and property management companies are likely to reject me because the freelance nature of my job makes me not look like a good bet as a tenant. For The Dandy, apartment hunting is a pain in the ass and nothing more. He can afford nice places; places big enough that he doesn’t have to go in there with a tape measure to make sure his furniture will fit. If he applies for a place, let’s face it, the only reason he wouldn’t get it is that someone else got it first. His apartment is in a pretty fancy building, so the soundproofing is excellent, but even if it wasn’t, the place is fucking huge. If a next-door neighbour were being loud, he could just go to the other side of the apartment and escape the noise that way. I can only afford a bachelor apartment where the main living space is about the size of The Dandy’s bedroom, so if someone to one side of me is being loud…tough shit.

I know it’s not rational but I just…kind of hate The Dandy for having this apartment that’s dead silent, and just taking it for granted, when I live in a place where I can hear the guy upstairs pissing. And I double-hate Dandette for living in said silent apartment for free and just taking it for granted**. It’s been a running theme in my life that I’m never quite bad off enough for help. Other people have nervous breakdowns etc and people come scurrying out of the woodwork to throw help and free stuff at them, but I continue barely hanging on by my fingernails so nobody gives a fuck about me.

If The Dandy had gotten Dandette the fuck out of there when they broke up, like he should have, I could be moving in there right now and escaping my shitty neighbours and the constant, crushing anxiety-paralysis they give me. I wouldn’t ask him to take me in for free, of course. The apartment costs $1,800 and the second bedroom is smaller so I’d offer to pay $800/month – which is still less than I pay here, so I could be enjoying a bit of financial relief while still fully pulling my weight. Or maybe if I were really pushing it I’d ask if I could pay $500/month (so that we’d each be paying rent that’s sort of proportionate to our income*, ergo it’s still fair in a sense) which would allow me to possibly save up some cash for when I found a proper place of my own and needed money for movers etc.

But no. Dandette gets a free ride even though they’re not dating anymore, and I get to live in a place where I’m scared to flush the toilet and get told that I can’t stay at The Dandy’s too much because Dandette might be uncomfortable.

I wish I knew what her deal is, btw. She’s really nice to me – too nice, given that we’re really just acquaintances – but on the other hand she still acts out sometimes out of panic that some of The Dandy’s attention isn’t on her anymore. She seems not even the teeniest bit self-aware, so I tend to think that consciously she’s happy The Dandy found someone and she’s trying to “welcome me into the family” or whatever but subconsciously she’s freaking out so she acts out but doesn’t have any idea why. But what if I’m wrong and the nice treatment is some Machiavellian “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” thing? She scares me a bit.

Welp, this post ended up going all over the place.

 

*I don’t know exactly how much The Dandy makes, but one time when I told him about subsidized housing where your rent is set at 25% of your income, The Dandy said that if he applied to such a place his rent would be more than it is now so it would be pointless for him. Which means he makes over seven thousand dollars a month.

**When she first had her mental breakdown and quit her job (like six months ago, I think?), apparently she kept the apartment spotless because she felt guilty about not paying rent. Those days are thoroughly over. The place is usually trashed when I go over there, and I’ve seen The Dandy take an hour or two to clean up the kitchen on a few occasions now. This is why I say she takes the place for granted. And she’s doing pretty well lately mentally, by the way; she’s chatty, sees friends and her boyfriend often, has several creative projects on the go. It’s not a depressive lack of energy keeping her from cleaning. And it’s her many baking projects and craft projects that are trashing the place. She’s taking advantage.

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Humph.

My friend Kaija tentatively wants to fix me up with a guy her partner knows. Apparently this dude has a thing for tall, tattooed women and may enjoy being bossed around. The reason he may enjoy being bossed around is because he’s passive and indecisive, not submissive per se, and that would probably drive me crazy. But the idea of being with someone who has a physical “type,” and I’m it, is…appealing. I’m not definitely saying no. Kaija’s gonna get me a pic of him if she can, to aid in my evaluation process.

I told The Dandy about this when I saw him last night. I said that TBH I feel like I haven’t dated anyone in a long time who thought I was really, really attractive (I started saying this without even thinking – just venting to someone I feel close to. Took me until this point to think “Oh derp THE DANDY IS A PERSON I’M DATING, well this is awkward” and my spiel hitched for a second like a computer buffering but then I figured what the fuck and kept talking). I said that when I was younger and more conventionally attractive I’d catch partners staring at me with huge glittery anime eyes, just utterly mesmerized by how hot they thought I was. And I don’t remember the last time that happened, and it’s fine, looks aren’t the most important part of a relationship, I know my partners feel connected to me and love my brain and yadda yadda yadda. But still, it would be nice to be swooned over, physically.

And like I said, I was saying this to The Dandy as a random vent and had kind of even forgotten that it applied to him until midway through. I wasn’t fishing for compliments. Which is good because there were none forthcoming; when I said that I think nobody I’m dating thinks I’m super hot or anything, he just listened quietly with a sheepish expression. Okay, so fair enough, I guess I called it.

Honestly, despite what we’re all taught about men being sooooo highly visually stimulated, I think a lot of them are just…not. Because, I mean, it’s not just that he doesn’t look at me that way; I never see The Dandy obsessing on anyone’s eye candy. Ditto many of the other partners I’m thinking of where that component of visual lust was absent on their side. I, meanwhile, get spellbound by hotness pretty frequently to a point where if a partner is around I suppress my reactions so as not to offend him, but it’s really really difficult. Like I have to actually struggle not to openly eye-hump the person/express disbelief at their hotness repeatedly/lose all track of the conversation I’m having with my partner because I’m momentarily gobsmacked by the pretty/etc. I hold no ill will toward partners of mine who just aren’t that visual in general. I know it’s nothing personal. If someone I’m dating drools all over other people but not me, that’s different.

Anyway. I’d just gotten finished stating that I know looks aren’t the be-all and end-all of a relationship and then for whatever reason I felt like clarifying, because looks are pretty important to me. I want that delirious lust where I just wanna eat the other person up (and The Dandy does give me that – his body is not my ideal but his face just transfixes me, and he’s witnessed me staring intently into his eyes in creepy silence for minutes on end and then saying “you…are so fucking pretty” many, many times). So I amended my previous statement. I said that looks are important to me when it comes to partners. I grinned at The Dandy and said “I am a curator of beautiful things.”

And The Dandy put on a fake-innocent voice and said “Then how did you end up with me?” which…kind of brought me to the limit of my patience. Like dude you goddamned know I find you attractive. I tell you almost every time I see you. And you surely know that my “curator” comment was a veiled way of saying it yet again. And you totally just listened to me tell you that I suspect my partners don’t find me all that attractive but I wish they did, and you just sat there nodding and not saying anything – not even something like “looks aren’t important to me but you have the most fantastic brain.” But here you are wanting me to heap even more praise onto you. The Bunny used to pull shit like that, too. And there was a similar thing at least once with Minx.

I rolled my eyes and said “how’s the fishing in Compliment Lake? Are you catching anything?” and he got the hint and we talked about something else.

But Jesus, the neediness. Tell a guy he’s hot one fucking time and he’ll be back begging for more for the rest of his goddamned life. It’s like feeding a stray cat or something. And I’m so very tired of feeling like I give more validation/emotional labour/etc than I get.

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But on a happy note…

That second date with the new boy was aaaaaaaaahmazing. He ended up coming home with me (to hang out, not for sex, as I told him from the getgo) and we did the whole talking-all-night thing and he’s just endlessly fascinating and charming.

Also, relatively early in the evening he figured out that my skin is insanely sensitive and this led to me shucking off all my clothing fairly quickly (“MOAR SKIN CONTACT”) and taking him to bed, where he stroked my entire body for what felt like about an hour and a half (but there’s no clock in my bedroom so I don’t know for sure). And he was amazing. So sensitive to my body signals. His fingers seemed to move like a divining rod, following all my sweet spots around without me having to say a word. He remained fully clothed. There was no sense of him touching me as a lead-up to sex. He seemed to be in a trance. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen a partner go into one of those sexy trances before. I often get like that when touching a partner; just completely focused where nothing else exists but their bodies. They usually seem to be enjoying me in a more shallow or utilitarian way, however.

But yeah. This boy. This fucking boy. He petted me in absolute, reverent silence for basically ever, and he was so good at it – and so completely undemanding and focused on my pleasure – that I was able to give myself up to the sensations completely and my consciousness came untethered and floated away like a helium balloon. I was living entirely in my body and my brain was just this empty, ringing white place with all the thoughts and words erased. It’s very, very rare that my mind is not just silent but gone . It feels so fucking good.

Eventually I opened my eyes and started to drift back to coherence. He was gazing into my face with the same awe that I was feeling for him. “That was amazing,” he whispered. I was still not entirely able to speak. I felt like my heart might explode. He stroked a place on my neck with his fingertips and murmured “when your heart starts to beat [hard] I can see it right here.” And then he held me close and eventually I was able to talk and we ended up having conversations about all kinds of different things and eventually we slept. In the morning there was a whole lot more snuggling/talking/smooching and eventually I asked him to make us breakfast and he did and it was good.

We’ve texted a bit since then and when I asked when I could see him again he didn’t respond for over 24 hours and even then he didn’t say anything about seeing me, only that he was thinking of me and wanted to pet me and make me moan for hours. Which is all well and good, but when? …I’m trying to convince myself that maybe he didn’t get my previous message, or I missed one from him, or he meant to tell me when he was free but forgot, or something, rather than this being a sign that he’s lost interest and is trying to deflect me and taper off communications in the most subtle way possible.

Here’s the thing about this boy, though: he’s never been poly before, and although he has cuckold tendencies and wouldn’t mind a partner fucking other dudes, he says he might need to be the only person in his partner’s heart. He knows I have a boyfriend and is tentatively seeing how he feels about that. He did say to me a few times that he’s beginning to think he could maybe deal with it.

Still, though. I feel like I could fall in love with this boy and he’s mildly wigged out by me dating The Dandy, for whom I feel cat-love that will probably go no further. And so when things with The Dandy started going sideways this weekend and I thought about breaking up with him, the thought crept in that maybe in doing so I’d be ensuring the continued presence of the other boy with whom I’m so smitten. And then I felt awful for having that thought because it goes against so many things that I stand for. If I break up with The Dandy it should be on its own merits.

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