Tag Archives: The Dandy

Did I do it wrong?

Looking for opinions from people not on the autism spectrum here (or those who are but have better insight into what neurotypical people like, I guess). The post is long and begins with a bunch of context. If you wanna cut to the chase, scroll down to the line of asterisks and read from there.

I’ve wondered if I might be on the autism spectrum ever since I went on a date with a guy diagnosed with Asperger’s who claimed he could totally sense one of his own. At first I thought that was just a line to try to endear me to him – establish an us-against-them vibe or whatever – but I have since read so many things about autism that hit home for me that…yeah.

One big autism thing that resonates with me is that apparently it’s common for people to find a person on the spectrum to be rude and the autistic person can’t understand why. In my case I understand why in a…technical sense? But I don’t, like, get it.

People seem to really want a cursory “how are you” at the beginning of every conversation, even if the two of you are strangers and you can’t possibly give a shit how the other one is, so I’ve forced myself to make a habit of that. Personally I dislike fakeness and the “how are you” thing often just feels like a way of softening someone up before asking something of them, but it’s what most people want so fine.

The other big thing people seem to expect as a matter of course is that you’ll remember details about them and follow up unprompted. “How was your vacation?” “Did you end up adopting that puppy?” “Where did you and Bob end up going to dinner?”

I do like it when someone does this with me. But it’s not, like, a requirement at all. I can’t remember a time when I started a conversation with a loved one and waited for them to say “so how’d the thing go?” and got mad when they didn’t; if anything I’m surprised when someone does remember details like that. I figure we’re each the hero of our own story and I can’t expect people to recall every little thing that happens to the side characters. If I want someone to know a thing about my life, I just tell them. I don’t resent this or even consciously think “Oh, they must have forgotten that my job interview was on Tuesday, I guess I have to remind them.” I just go “hey guess what? I think my job interview went well!”

On the flip side, I have a shitty time remembering things about other people and even when I do, it often doesn’t occur to me to ask about the things. I’m actively trying to develop the habit but it doesn’t seem to stick. I care about the people in my life, and if one of them tells me “the test came back positive” or “I got approved!” I’ll completely be sad for them or thrilled for them and support them as best I can. But usually they’ll have to tell me that a happy or sad thing happened.

Anyway. The Dandy has said that he never felt supported in past relationships, so automatically I started feeling nervous because I have a known habit of forgetting to ask people about their shit and with my anxiety etc I often need a lot of support, myself, and my partners have sometimes felt that I was kind of a pit of neediness and didn’t give much back.

Today The Dandy went to the funeral of a family friend. I rallied all of my limited focus and managed to remember to text him last night saying I was thinking of him, to let me know how the funeral went, and that if he needed snuggles after he could totally come over.

He never replied, nor has he replied to my text today asking how he’s doing. He often lets texts go unanswered (which I hate, btw; I like more contact from a partner than he gives me) so I don’t know if he’s distraught or just being his normal self.

Meanwhile, I ended up doing some hardcore apartment recon today – including looking at two places – and I didn’t have anyone else to come with me and give a second opinion on the places and I feel totally lost and alone and scared. This is a huge decision and I’m afraid I’ll fuck it up. And I really want to tell The Dandy all about my day and ask him for his opinions on a bunch of stuff but I’m afraid it’ll come off like “yeah so I know your friend just died but LET’S TALK ALL ABOUT MY THING NOW.” I’m fairly sure The Dandy wasn’t close with this guy – his parents were and he was just expected to attend the funeral to support them – but I just don’t know. So I haven’t said anything because I’m trying so hard to avoid being the constant-crisis, oblivious, attention-sucking girlfriend. But it’s hard.

**********

But here’s a fun coincidence – when I got home from all the apartment-hunting, Mine texted me saying he wanted to talk to me. And what he wanted to talk to me about is that he feels I’ve been ignoring his problems lately and obsessing over my own.

Mine’s mom has had several heart attacks over the past couple of years. She had her latest one at the end of January, at which time Mine told me about it and said it had been a terrible week and he just wished he could be in my arms. I sympathized and sent him virtual hugs. The next day – trying to stay vigilant and do that follow-up thing people like – I texted that I was thinking of him and hoping he and his mom were doing okay. He thanked me and said the doctors were running a bunch of tests (maybe I was supposed to say something here?). Two days later he said “I wish you were here” and I sent back a heart.

Later that same day, shit started falling apart at my gallery job. The boss was being pissy with me over my anxiety symptoms (which she interpreted as laziness and/or stupidity, as most people do) and I was feeling like “oh nooooo I’m fucking everything up again and I will never be able to live a normal life or hold down a normal job” and I began a fairly involved, two-day text conversation with Mine in which I angsted about this and debated whether I should quit the job while I was ahead, or hold out on the off chance that I could avoid fucking up a thousand more times and getting fired. Mine listened and offered well-considered advice.

He also asked me how things were going outside of work and I told him how I’d just shelled out $700 to fix the wall that I water-damaged, I’m still seeking a new place to live because my psychotic neighbour bullies and terrifies me, and while technically I was approved for disability benefits back in mid-December, I still haven’t gotten anything in the mail (I called them and they said they don’t even have a decision on file yet and it can take a couple months) so I’m sitting here in this horrible limbo of not knowing whether I’ll be financially secure during my summer slow season or not. We talked about that for a while, too.

A couple days later I asked him if he could help me out sometime with learning how to properly clean my house. Nobody ever taught me how so when I do clean, I always feel like a giant faker/impostor. I just can’t shake the feeling that I’m doing it wrong. I was hoping whenever I saw Mine next he could either clean while I watched or vice versa and I could get a feeling for what normal people do.

He did not respond to this at all. Over a week later he texted “Hey, I’m sorry I haven’t been around.” He does this a lot – vanishes for a while, even when we’re in mid-conversation. I responded by asking him how his mom has been, just in case he fell silent this time because of horrible developments with her health. He said things were a little rough for a while. That was a couple of days ago. Admittedly at this point I got distracted or something and forgot to reply, so today he texted asking me how I’m doing.

And from there we segued into him telling me he feels like I’ve been focusing on my own problems more than his and I honestly can’t tell if that’s fair or not.

Like yeah, we talked about my stuff over the past while more than we talked about his. But what the fuck am I even supposed to say about his mom’s heart attack other than “Oh that really sucks/I hope she’s okay/I’m thinking of you”? Most of the shit I’m going through is stuff I can do something about and need advice on, so yeah, it involved big talks. And I did ask about his mom a couple of times without prompting! And aside from not responding to “it’s been kinda rough” I never ever ignored any statement of his about how difficult things were for him or how sad he was! And if he needed even more “oh that sucks/I’m thinking of you/I hope she’s okay” he could have prompted it by just telling me again that he was having a rough day or whatever!

Just, like…I don’t wanna sound like an asshole here but how much “Oh you poor baby, there there” am I supposed to be doling out? For real, what’s the quota? Should I have been saying it every day? Every two days? Maybe it’s less about intervals and more about making sure I never ever mention how I’m doing without asking him how he’s doing? I honestly don’t know. I kind of feel like he’s being unfair to me here – at the very least he could have told me he needed more attention – but I don’t know. I so often fuck up and make the normals angry with me without understanding why. Maybe this is one of those times when any normal person would have understood how to behave but I just…didn’t.

I expressed some of this confusion to Mine (more politely though). I apologized a bunch for making him feel neglected and explained my thing of being terrible at remembering to follow up with people’s stuff and told him that I do try. He admitted that he should have told me what he needed and said he understands about my weird blank spot with follow-ups. Although in retrospect I realize he still didn’t tell me what he actually needed from me in order not to have felt neglected.

He said that he needs to take some time to mull over our relationship. At which point I mentioned that by the way, his habit of dropping off the face of the earth for weeks at a time kinda drives me crazy, but thank you (sincerely) for at least giving me a heads up this time. But yeah, regular contact (no matter how minor) is a big part of me feeling loved, and his inconsistency in that regard is the main thing keeping me from feeling closer to him. He said he knows this and he apologized. And I guess now we’re just not gonna talk for a while and maybe one or both of us will decide to break up in a more final way than we already did when we agreed he was no longer my sub.

But…yeah. Was I actually that neglectful and selfish or was Mine expecting an absurd amount of attention? If he wanted me to talk about the thing with his mom for as many paragraphs as I talked about whether or not to quit my job, what the fuck was I even supposed to say? How do I fill in that much space? I mean I guess I could have been all “oh, what treatments is she getting?” blah blah blah but I thought talking about his mom’s chest being cracked open and rummaged around in (or the future possibility of it) might be upsetting to him so I tried to just express sympathy and let him talk about shit to whatever depth he needed to. Did I do it wrong? Seriously asking.

 

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Sapiosexy!

The Dandy, if I haven’t mentioned it before, is wicked smart and knows things about a broad range of topics. I find this ludicrously hot. Especially because he doesn’t lecture or act condescending or anything – he never thinks it’s stupid that I don’t know a thing. He’s just jazzed about sharing the stuff he knows, and he explains it in a way I can understand.

One time, after I’d begun to realize just how smart he is, I told The Dandy how a lot of people don’t get my sense of humour, and how I said probably the wittiest thing I’ll ever say one time and nobody picked up on it and when I tried to brag about the witty remark to other people later on, they didn’t get it, either. The Dandy asked me what the witty thing was. I told him I’d been on a roll of making terrible eyeball puns and I capped it off by saying “Heh heh, just a little vitreous humour there, folks.” The Dandy laughed and said “the liquid inside people’s eyes!” and yup, that’s what vitreous humour is. He got it. He’s the only one who ever got it out of like ten people I told it to. 😀

It appears that I hold some intelligence Easter eggs for him, too. One time – a propos of nothing, I think, just making conversation – The Dandy told me that there’s a thing that can happen where twins get mashed into a single person in the womb. Not conjoined twins but one person, and that person will have different DNA in different parts of their body. I nodded and said “chimerism” and he seemed delighted that I knew that word.

I’m glad that I can hold my own with him at least a little on the intellectual front.

Related: the situation with my neighbours is getting ridiculous and it feels like they’re eavesdropping on me all the time just waiting for me to do something they can bitch about. As such, I recently told The Dandy that I’d really like to get a good pounding where I don’t have to worry about being quiet, so if he had a time he could host, please let me know. He volunteered a time when he was free and Dandette would be away. Perfect. Anyway, we both enjoy horrible puns so I texted him referring to this plan as “doing a little astronomy” because he’ll be studying my heavenly body and there may well be a big bang. He said “isn’t the big bang cosmology? It’ll be a night of interdisciplinary studies.” I said I’d be thoroughly “Galilei’d” and added that I very much enjoy “a night of interdisciplinary studies” as a euphemism for sex. In fact I think I’ll use it in future. Maybe it will become a “thing” for us.

 

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A Lovely Valentine’s Day

I thought The Dandy and I had done our V-day thing early when he took me to dinner over the weekend, but he offered to come by on the actual day, as well. And he brought some groceries that he made us dinner out of, and mentioned that he might either buy me some new pots and pans or buy himself some and give me the old ones, because mine kinda suck and if he’s gonna be cooking for me here a lot…

While we ate, we watched Closer (one of my favourite movies). The Dandy is into nerdy-type movies but hasn’t seen much of anything else at all, which can be frustrating when I make pop culture references but is awesome in that I get to introduce him to all my favourite things!

And then we had all the sex. Like…all the sex. The Dandy’s style is still kind of foreign to me but I think it’s growing on me. I’m accustomed to initiating sex by doing stuff to a guy’s erogenous zones, but The Dandy claims not to have any aside from his lips and his dick. But kissing him is something I might do any time just recreationally so there’s no way to differentiate between “I am angling for sex” and “I like you and enjoy being close to you. Oh hey, let’s see what’s on tv!” I could escalate by grabbing his dick, but I want more buildup than that. For my sake, not his. So on V-day when the movie ended and we were just snuggling, I stripped to the waist so he could pet more of my skin (which he did, and which had me purring and writhing around) and right about at that point he realized we were going to fuck.

So apparently if I want sex that has a bit of a buildup to it, I get it by presenting my body for him to touch rather than touching his and being turned on by turning him on. Or I could just tell him I wanna have sex but to pet me a while first. But I don’t always feel like doing that, especially since he identifies as dominant and I sometimes worry that telling him what to do will be kind of a boner killer (although we talked about that and he says that nothing I’ve said or done has put him off yet).

Historically, I have not enjoyed a man with great stamina in the PIV arena. My vag gets sore and chafed really quickly and I don’t come from PIV so meh. But then with The Bunny I discovered the joys of the Missionary Hitachi Sandwich and that was somewhat of a game changer – if I’m actually trying to get off during PIV, I do ideally want someone who can fuck me right through my orgasm. Also, The Dandy’s penis feels really good to me. Better than other people’s, I think. Something about the shape or the way he moves or I dunno. Even before I brought the Hitachi into the mix his thrusts were giving me the occasional little clitoral twinge or vag flutter. And then we did the Hitachi sandwich and he pounded me absolutely tirelessly and with perfect rhythm and I came my brains out without worrying even the tiniest bit that he would stop before I was good and done. Because that’s the other thing about The Dandy – even when he’s come he can often stay hard and keep going!

Eventually I was exhausted and my legs were killing me so I had him withdraw. He’d made some flurries of breathing sounds a few different times during teh sex0rs, but the sounds – and the amount of liquid in the condom as he withdrew and sat on his haunches between my knees – were sort of inconclusive to me and he was still perfectly hard so I sat up, stripped the condom off him, and started stroking him. Within a minute or so he had a definite and resounding orgasm, pouring out about a gallon of semen over my wrist.

We then lay down and snuggled. I had come so hard that I wanted to kill him (this is a thing that happens. I don’t know.) and he gazed into my eyes and recognized the violence there and just kind of acknowledged it with a smile, knowing it meant he’d done well and that I would never actually hurt him unless asked. The fact that he can sense my feelings and isn’t scared by them is lovely. I’ve never really had that before. Minx felt my violence and cowered, and The Pedant is tone-deaf to people’s vibes entirely.

“So uh…was that more than one orgasm, on your end? Or am I just not good at reading your signals?” I asked.

“I had a few little ones, just not enough that I had to stop,” The Dandy said. His sexuality is so fucking intriguing to me. And as much as the really long PIV sessions are a bit of a mixed blessing for me, I do love his high capacity for orgasms. Making a guy come is one of my favourite things and for some reason I’ve more often than not been cursed with partners who have long refractory periods. When a guy can only come once a day, it often becomes a big dilemma for me. How will I spend that one orgasm? I crave using his dick for my own pleasure via PIV but I also want to focus on his pleasure, perhaps via a hand job, and I can’t do both and arrrrrgh what do I pick? With The Dandy I may not face these sorts of problems. He has said that it’s possible to just keep stimulating him after he’s come and he’ll come several more times, albeit with longer and longer buildups in between. I told him one of these days I’m gonna give him a hand job and just…not stop. Like, ever. Unless he either begs me or completely runs out of ejaculate. I wanna see what happens.

Oh and by the way, the first time The Dandy and I hooked up, I started stroking him but then he took over. The second time, I did get him all the way there; it took ten minutes and (as last time) his climax-noises were almost nothing, just a few deep breaths. He told me that I was the first person ever to be able to get him off via hand, which is surprising. He’s got a smallish partner count for someone in their 40s (in my opinion) (he says he’s not sure of the exact number but probably in the low double digits) but that’s still probably a dozen women who could have tried and failed. And he’s had a couple of long term relationships so in theory there could have been years of attempts by some partners. And I’m the one to finally get him there?

Now I’m able to make him come with my hand faster than before and his orgasms (from handjobs and whatever else we do that gives him orgasms) are still subtle but definitely less inhibited (and seem like they’re longer and more intense). Much heavier breathing that goes on longer and has perhaps half a moan mixed in. And actual bucking and writhing, too, instead of just lying there completely passively. The Dandy has mentioned, in passing, that his past two long-term relationships were sort of…fraught, sexually. Dandette asked to be topped/dominated and then would scream at him that he was doing it wrong. His ex wife before that did…something shitty when it came to sex, I can’t recall what. Anyway I would imagine The Dandy ended up with a fear of being vulnerable in bed but maybe he’s getting past that with me. I love thinking that. 😀

Anyway. After the PIV and the handjob I was turned on again and got myself off while The Dandy cuddled up to me and petted me. After a while I got up to pee and brush my teeth and The Dandy said he should start keeping a toothbrush here. I had a few still-in-original-package spares in the medicine cabinet so I assigned him one of those. Oh, also I have a red mug that he drank out of a few visits ago and (since I don’t do dishes terribly often and it’s only water in the cup) he’s been leaving it on my bookcase and drinking out of it each visit when he takes his blood pressure pills from the stash he keeps here.

I like how comfortably our lives are beginning to mesh. It’s a lot quicker than in previous relationships, but I kinda need that right now. I’m tired of ambiguity.  And really, all of these little adjustments are just practical considering we see each other on a regular basis. It’s not like we’re eloping or something, we’re just making it so he’s comfortable here since he comes over at least once a week.

In other news, in The Dandy’s ongoing quest to be the most stylish motherfucker on the planet he’s purchased a seven thousand dollar custom suit. The tailor just finished it. The Dandy told me the other day that unfortunately the first time he wears this suit may well be to a funeral because a family friend is dying of cancer. Today I suggested that if he wants to debut the suit in a non-funeral capacity, we could have a dress-up date. I have an expensive (for me) retro-style dress that I’ve never had occasion to wear and I thought perhaps he could take me to sushi and we could be all classy-like. He loved that idea, so that’s probably happening sometime later this week. I’m glad that I can maybe help imbue the suit with happy vibes and let him associate it first and foremost with something nice (if things work that way for him. I admit I may be projecting).

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I haz a boyfriend. :D

The Dandy just spent the night here. It was very pleasant, and before he left I asked him if it was too soon to ask what title he’d give this…thing we’re doing. He said he would consider me his girlfriend. I said I was amenable to that. And then I found myself tearing up, because for so long I’ve been having these ambiguous interactions with guys (The Pedant, The Bunny, Mine) where we’ve been seeing each other for over a year but I don’t want to call it a relationship, or I do but I’m afraid to ask what they think it is because I’m pretty sure I won’t like the answer. Or I do ask and I don’t like the answer: with The Bunny I was hoping for a title and got him to agree to listing a relationship status for us on Fetlife: we were “lovers.” But, Fetlife structures things weirdly so his profile ended up saying both that we were lovers and (still) that he was single. I thought at first that this was an oversight but when I pointed it out…well, he was evasive, and wouldn’t come out and tell me that he didn’t think of me as a relationship per se and thus still thought of himself as single, but I’m quite sure that’s what was up. Since we broke up he has fallen in love with someone and they are listed as “in an open relationship,” with the “single” part gone. Well then.

The thing about being monogamous is that when you start seeing someone there has to be an “is this officially a relationship” talk because there’s a definitive behavioural change expected if it is: you’ll stop seeing other people. And for that matter if it’s determined that the other person is not up for a relationship, you may want to cut your losses and break up with them so you can search for someone who does want a relationship. Now that I’m poly, none of that applies anymore; we can still see other people regardless of what our relationship is or whether or not we’re in love. And, okay, I’ve fallen into a bad pattern of choosing men who seem kind of aloof and emotionally unavailable, so that I’m afraid The Talk would scare them off or yield an answer I don’t like. And the relationship itself remains functionally the same no matter what we call it, anyway, so I convinced myself that it didn’t matter. But it matters.

I’m sick of feeling like I’ve just fallen into things with guys by default. I want someone who will actively choose me. And The Dandy has. So I’m happy. 😀

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Moar Dandy things

I forgot to mention, last time I saw The Dandy I asked him “So hey, if we assume that the way I am lately – with regards to anxiety and whatnot – is my baseline, and I’m never gonna get any better than this, does that seem like something you can deal with?”

He said yes, with just the right amount of pause. If he’d jumped in too fast with that “yes” it would have felt like he was just sucking up, and if he’d stopped and thought about it a bunch first it would have felt like he saw a lot of red flags and really had to ponder whether they were worth it. But he gave his answer within a normal amount of time.

The way I am lately, incidentally, is…middling. The cognitive behavioural therapy I took recently seems to have opened up a bunch of sadness and baggage and shit that I thought I’d put away, but it’s also helped me to become a bit more functional. All my emotional wounds are really raw right now so I tend to get in fatalistic moods where everything reminds me of various shitty things that have happened to me to make me who I am. Also – as a defensive maneuver because Minx and my ex husband both cited my anxiety and depression as reasons for wanting to leave – I am being almost over the top in presenting myself to The Dandy as fucked up. I want him to have no illusions about what he’s getting into.

So if he’s okay with current, kind of mopey me, that’s a good sign.

Also, it occurred to me that the long hug-ambushes he keeps giving me that I find slightly awkward are exactly what I used to do to The Pendant. I just found The Pedant so incredibly hot, and it felt like it had been so long since someone was so affectionate with me. Perhaps this is how The Dandy feels about me. I’m the first person he’s dated since he and Dandette broke up around two years ago, and if he has a physical “type” I think I fall within it. For my part, I am not as physically attracted to The Dandy as I’d like to be and I’m not as backed up for physical affection as he is so all the hugging just seems kind of extraneous. I’m not actually complaining, though.

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My ex husband has a Pakistani friend who got married to a woman his parents picked out and whom I think he may have spoken on the phone to once or twice but that’s it. When my ex and I got divorced, his friend was still in his arranged marriage. He probably still is, eleven years later And it occurred to me that maybe lust and love and (to an extent) compatibility aren’t really that relevant to having a lasting relationship. Maybe – I thought to myself – the key to a relationship lasting is simply that both people make a conscious decision to stay in it. A decision, of course, bolstered by each party listening to and respecting the other and being willing to compromise so everyone’s needs are met as well as possible.

I mean, I loved my ex-husband and in many ways we were compatible; similar interests and values and senses of humour and all that. But in some ways we weren’t compatible, so I compromised on those things because I wanted the marriage to work. He…did not compromise even the tiniest bit. It would appear that he didn’t care enough about the being with me to do the necessary work. And so instead of meeting him halfway, I metaphorically walked all the way over to his side, trying to ignore my own needs, and finally ended up so drained and miserable that I had to leave.

Lately I have this terrifyingly huge desire to commit to someone. This is distinctly different from the post-Pedant-breakup desperation of a few months ago where every damn thing I did outside my apartment was partially motivated by “maybe there’ll be guys there!” (I’m not proud of temporarily turning into a living Cathy comic strip. But it is a thing that happened.) I don’t want to meet anyone new right now. I’m feeling really cynical right now and sort of hate men in general, actually. But The Dandy slipped into my life during my desperate phase and my defensive walls went up around him, so he’s in my life now. And I find myself very much not in a headspace of enjoying our time together at face value. I’m grooming him as long-term partner material, big time.

I’m not – as mentioned – falling in love with The Dandy per se. One day I feel totally smitten, the next I feel distant. Not sure if we have a lack of chemistry but I’m trying to shoehorn us into a romance anyway, or if things are actually good but my heart is doing that thing where it puts its shields up and prevents me from fully feeling anything until it seems safe enough to do so. But The Dandy is financially stable and emotionally stable and reasonably attractive and he has many personality traits that I enjoy. In other words, he looks good on paper, and so some huge nesting instinct seems to have come over me.

I haven’t actually said “be my boyfriend!” or “hey do you think this might go long term?” or anything like that. I’ve been impulsive about people before and gotten burned, and at any rate my very spotty attraction to him has me a bit worried and not wanting to jump into anything just yet. But I am sussing him out; oh yes. I’m already basically involved in the negotiations I believe two people should have when they’re in a relationship. Mind you, those negotiations are also valuable in a more casual or FWB arrangement. But I’m making them with an eye toward laying groundwork for something long-lasting.

I…don’t love that I’m being like this. My urge to get into something committed and long-term very much feels like a free-floating thing that’s just attaching itself to The Dandy, rather than me hanging out with The Dandy and eventually, organically deciding that I want to officially date him. And I don’t want to declare some big official relationship with him and realize shortly after that oops, nope, I really am not feeling the right chemistry, I was just wanting to fill an empty space in my life but he’s not fulfilling me, time to break up. (Presuming The Dandy would even say yes to a relationship; I shouldn’t assume he would. But honestly I’m fairly sure.) I don’t want to hurt him or string him along.

But anyway, here are some random things I wanted to note about this budding…relationship or whatever.

  • The Dandy knows at least a little about a wide variety of topics and I find this delightful.
  • We get into punning wars, which I also find delightful.
  • He is very physically affectionate, but maybe beyond even my comfortable capacity. I come into the kitchen to keep him company while he cooks and he comes up and gives me a hug. I come out of the bathroom and he intercepts me to give me a hug. Just standing there with me for several full minutes, squeezing me. I do that to say hello but after that it feels sort of weird.
  • I’ve started noticing some annoying verbal tics that he has, like if I accidentally start talking when he was just about to say something, he acknowledges my thing really quickly and dismissively so he can hurry up and get to his. I’m not sure if he’s really listening to me at those times. And the thing he’s had to say was never urgent enough to warrant glossing over me so fast. It’s not like “Oh hey since we’re passing by the store, did you want anything?” where if he’d waited too long, we wouldn’t be near the store anymore – it’s just random anecdotes and stuff. And last night he did that mansplain-y thing of repeating back exactly what I’d just said as though he were teaching me something. Godddddd I hate that!
  • He is a person who mostly listens when I vent instead of offering solutions. That clashes wildly with my personality. I want discussion and solutions. When I talk about a problem I’m having and he just smiles and nods it’s like…what, that’s all? I asked him about this, actually, or rather I observed out loud that he appears to be a listening person rather than a fixing person. He asked if that’s bad. I told him I’m very much in favour of fixing (and do it myself to loved ones who are venting). It’s not clear to me whether his quiet supportive listening thing is natural to him or what he thinks he’s supposed to do. But he knows now that he can suggest stuff if he wants to, at least.
  • When I was stressed out yesterday and texted him telling him all the dumb shit going on in my life that was freaking me out, he told me he could come by after work and give me hugs. And he did. And he took us out for sushi, too!
  • When he’s nice to me I feel like I should thank him with sex and I don’t know where that’s coming from. I don’t think he’s pressuring me, even subtly. I guess I feel like sex (and snuggles) are the only thing I have to offer him. He’s smarter than me, more socially competent than me, neurotypical, makes far more money than me, I’m in a weird headspace lately anxiety-wise and it’s making me kind of whiny and self-absorbed so I worry that I don’t even seem totally present sometimes when we’re hanging out…why would he stick around if not for orgasms?
  • I asked him last night to tell me some things he likes about me and his answers were…interesting. I thought/hoped/assumed he would mention the things I think are my strengths: my intelligence, my sense of humour, my self-awareness. Instead he talked about less tangible, more emotional things, all along the line of feeling he can trust me, feeling safe with me, feeling like he doesn’t have to put up a facade of any kind with me. And TBH my (silent) initial knee-jerk reaction to this (and it seems ridiculous in retrospect) was disappointment; I felt like he didn’t appreciate my good points, and also I guess the stuff he mentioned felt sort of generic. Anybody can be trustworthy – you just consistently don’t fuck someone over. Making gross-out jokes is a talent. But if my trustworthiness is what makes a big impression on him, clearly he does see that quality as kind of rare. And I do adore that he feels safe with me. That is…a tingle-making statement for me. I guess I think a lot about why a person chooses a specific partner over anyone else, and I have a lot of baggage around thinking that my mental issues are a liability that I need to balance by having huge, uh…assets. I know on an intellectual level that people aren’t quantifiable like that – that if you’re in love with one person who likes science fiction and cats and brownies but has anger issues and hates your favourite band, you won’t fall in love with everyone who has those qualities. And you also won’t automatically fall in love even harder with someone who likes sci fi and cats and brownies and is happy-go-lucky and loves your favourite band. The whole of a person is greater than the sum of their parts; falling in love has a quality of alchemy to it that I’m not sure is entirely logical. But still I obsessively wonder what it is that makes someone want me in particular when I feel like I don’t have many outstanding good qualities to set me apart.
  • I mentioned once to The Dandy that nebulous plans and lateness without warning drive me mad and I like to be kept in the loop, and he seemed to take note. And yet the next time we saw each other, he said he’d be here for 6:30 and by 6:45 I’d heard nothing from him at all. No “Leaving now, will be there as soon as I can.” No “Sorry, running a bit late, see you by 7pm-ish.” Nothing. I had no idea if he’d even left the house yet. And all my baggage and rage began to flood back. I could have texted him prompting for an update or ETA but I’m fucking sick of having to do that with people, and I don’t think it really teaches them to do better next time; it just teaches them that they can keep on being passive and late and uncommunicative and when I get sick of it I’ll prompt them. Instead I texted saying “I’ll be turning my phone off at 7.” My doorbell doesn’t work so turning off my phone means if he arrived after 7 (which is half an hour after he said he’d get here, so I don’t feel I’m being unreasonable) without having updated me, he wouldn’t be able to get in. He’d have to turn right around and go home. Pretty shortly after that he texted back that he was at my door. I’ve seen him twice since then and both times he texted me to let me know when he was leaving. Hooray.
  • He’s really into fashion and has an interesting, distinctive sense of style. I dig that. A lot. He’s got money to spend on his fashion endeavors, too. The other night I got to see the new pajamas he told me he’d bought: navy blue with a kind of Victorian wallpaper pattern woven in. I asked where he got them and he said he’d ordered them from England. I chuckled in spite of myself and said “of course you did.” Every piece of clothing he owns seems to either be vintage with an interesting backstory, or new and fancy/innovative in some way. I like listening to him share his enthusiasm about this stuff. I also have a huuuuge craving to try to impress him by buying him some really cool trinket or accessory but he knows more about these things than I do so maybe I won’t. It would bother me to spend money on an item that he didn’t end up liking; I’d feel hurt if he returned it and hurt if he kept it but didn’t ever wear/use it and…yeah.
  • I’ve mentioned before that The Dandy had a heart bypass a few years back. He has to take medication for associated issues. Every time he takes his pills, he makes some awkward little comment about it – once even sarcastically calling the pill-taking process “sexy”. I never really noticed the pattern until recently and now I really wanna let him know that I’m not put off by him taking meds. I’m happy to see him taking care of his health. I’ve gone out with so many guys who didn’t.
  • He probably would have stayed over last night, in fact, except his pills were at home and if he doesn’t take them punctually he very quickly begins to feel it. I told him that if he wants (and is logistically able) to keep a pill stash at my place, he can. He seemed surprised by that. Maybe it didn’t occur to him to do that or maybe he’s so convinced the pills are unsexy to me that he assumes I wouldn’t want them here? I doubt the issue is that the gesture is offputtingly, level-jumpingly “relationshippy” for his tastes. We already talk as though this thing with us will extend into the future. Last time I was at his place he half-jokingly remarked that he should clear out a dresser drawer for me. I am amenable to this.
  • Last time I was at his place he also went to undress and when I said “gyrate for me!” he did, and with a reasonable amount of panache. A lot of guys won’t (yes, this is a common request for me), and the guys who have were submissive-leaning folks who were either awkward and self-conscious but dug the humiliation factor or confident exhibitionists who had probably practiced their stripper moves in front of the mirror at home for years just in case. The Dandy is none of those things. He’s just comfortable in his body, willing to do things to please me, and not overly self-conscious. It’s a very new dynamic to me.
  • Also, I hadn’t thought to bring my Hitachi with me for that visit and for years now that’s the only way I can get off. We got frisky together, anyway, including a huuuuge long PIV session that left me astoundingly aroused. Usually these days an orgasm is nice but I don’t need one; that night I needed one. And I actually managed to have one, administered myself by hand while The Dandy fingered my g-spot. I was so grateful to realize that I can still do that that I ended up sobbing far beyond one of my standard stress-release crygasms. The Dandy wrapped himself around me and held me all through it without being freaked out or demanding to know what was wrong (I did tell him what was going on in my head, eventually).
  • The Dandy generally stays hard after coming and you can keep right on stimulating him – it doesn’t hurt him like it hurts every other guy I’ve ever given a hand job to. I haven’t set out to give him multiple orgasms yet but I think I’d like to. As it stands, he regularly keeps on fucking me even after he’s come, which I have mixed feelings about. On one hand, PIV tends to chafe me after a while; normally I’m totally good for that part of things to last under ten minutes and the main reason I’ll ever go beyond is if my partner hasn’t come yet. On the other hand, occasionally I want to come during PIV, which almost always takes a while because my partner’s body simultaneously turns me on, gets in the way, and distracts me (but the payoff is soooo fucking good), and with The Dandy I don’t ever have to have that fear of “what if he comes before I’m finished” in the back of my mind. Dude is a machine.
  • It’s still fascinating to me how well this is working so far despite us both being dominant. Mind you, my libido is kinda trashed lately from stress etc and when that dies, my drive for kink dies, too. Maybe when I’m a little more healed from the Pedant breakup and some other stressors are over with, I’ll be ravenous for submission and bdsm play and my interactions with The Dandy will be missing something for me. But he cooks for me and endeavors to give me whatever I need sexually (well, vanilla-wise) and these are two types of service I adore in a sub. Only difference is we don’t have an overt agreement that he will always do these things when asked, and he’s probably getting something different out of doing these things than a sub would. Still, though. I feel taken care of and attended to and it’s not bad.
  • Speaking of vanilla sex, though…The Dandy has never gone down on me. Not even a little bit. Not even a kiss in the genital region (actually he’s never kissed me anywhere but the mouth…he doesn’t seem to go in for full-body exploration like I do). I’m kind of torn about this. I don’t get off on oral anymore these days anyway, and most guys aren’t good at it, so no great loss. But I like knowing I could have oral if I wanted it. It bothers me on principle if a guy is grossed out by going down. And I’m kinda wondering if The Dandy is one of those. Incidentally, I’ve given him oral every time we’ve ever been naked, I think. So it’s not that he’s trying to be good at sex with me by mirroring what I do.
  • The Dandy has never received ass play. I asked if he was against the idea, and he said no, just nobody ever offered before. I offered, and he kind of just smiled and shrugged, and then we got distracted and I forgot to make my customary “I want you to be comfortable and not just do it for my benefit, so I’m just gonna put out there that I’m up for it and then never mention it again and if you actively want to try, it’s up to you to tell me” speech. So now I don’t know where he stands with things – if he’d like to try but is shy, or if he doesn’t want to but is too polite – and I don’t want to bring it up again and maybe seem pushy.
  • …but I hugged him from behind the other day as he was chopping things up for dinner and he waggled his ass suggestively against my hips, so that’s…something. At the very least he’s not overly hung up the idea that getting ass-humped makes him un-domly or un-straight. I like this about him.

There were more things I wanted to say, I think, but I’ve forgotten. This is plenty, anyway.

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Dandy stuff

Hung out with The Dandy again a couple of times. Both times, he cooked for me even though we were at my place. One of those times he made a grocery run on the way over and bought the food he subsequently cooked. Being fed makes me swoon and it’s an extra bonus not to have to leave my apartment for it.

Also, The Dandy caresses my head a lot and that’s absolute Kryptonite to me.

He’s been married before and during that time his wife was forever getting fed up with little things about their living space and demanding that they move, so he’s lived in a lot of different apartments that he found by looking at ads and stuff, like normal people do. I’ve lived in three places on my own (as in, not with my parents and not with a partner). I found the first two through friends. My current place, I found in the usual way, but it was the second place I looked at and I’ve been here for over ten years. So I feel like I don’t know how these things work at all. I want to move out of this place and The Dandy has been just this calm source of knowledge in the face of my GIGANTIC TIDAL WAVE OF ANGST, telling me which areas of the city are cheapest, what the pros and cons are of different kinds of apartments, what the application process usually entails, etc. etc. etc.

The Dandy feels feelings like a human and picks up on body language well – a refreshing change from The Pedant. But much like The Pedant, The Dandy is somewhat one-note in a way that I find soothing; The Pedant was mostly kind of emotionally “flat” and The Dandy is just…all cheerful and happy-go-lucky, all the time. Very little negativity for my brain to intercept and refract. So that’s good.

And it’s so nice dating a grownup. By which I mean not so much that The Dandy is my age (though he is) but that he generally has his life in order. He has a stable job that I’m pretty sure pays a lot. He has a nice apartment. He has a car. He seems reasonably self-aware, so far. Whether there are any treacherous gaps in his self-knowledge shall remain to be seen…but we had a good talk tonight via text message. We discussed the things that trigger us in a partner and we don’t have any potential red flags with each other so far.

Also he texted me the other day that he’s bought a new bathrobe to replace his old, worn-out one. And added that he’s bought some pajamas, too, so he can layer according to how cold it is in the apartment. This is significant because for a long while he just hung around the apartment naked – in front of his ex who still lives with him, mind you – and I think this contributed to their messed-up sense of boundaries with each other. I never actually told him that out loud, though he may have picked up on it when he casually mentioned his habitual apartment nudity one time and I was like “wait, what?”…Anyway he is almost certainly trying to demonstrate to me that he’s putting boundaries in place now.

On a side note, Dandette has a boyfriend again so that should take the edge off her desperate need for validation from The Dandy, although I still have no intention of going over to their apartment ever again. She’s also finally getting treatment for her mental issues so maybe she’ll find the werewithal to move out. There’s a light at the end of the tunnel, is what I’m saying.

So those are the good things about dating The Dandy.

On the con side, I wish I were more attracted to his body. Visually, I mean, and not just as a source of warmth and snuggles. Sex doesn’t always flow with us the way I’d like it to; there’s usually, for me, a moment of “Ehhh, okay, let’s do this now” rather than me just being pulled in by the hotness and losing myself there.

He seems to have no erogenous zones but his dick, is dead silent when I stimulate him, and barely makes any noise when he comes. TBH I’m pretty selfish and have a short attention span, so when I get him off it’s purely out of a sense of duty; he doesn’t really give me the reactions I need to keep me engaged and interested.

I’m not falling in love with him. I’m feeling the initial strains of cat-love already, but I suspect that may be as far as my emotions will go. This only becomes a con if The Dandy falls for me and the imbalance gets weird, mind you.

On a side note, I miss being in love and often tell myself that I would like to have that again. And yet I repeatedly throw my lot in with men I know I won’t ever feel that way about. I think I’ve developed a variation on Madonna/whore complex where I’m convinced that the most solid partnerships are the ones where two people have a down-to-Earth, logical discussion of what they each need and how (or if) they can provide it for each other, and make the conscious decision to forge a relationship where they do their best to fulfill each other – and I’ve somehow come to believe that this can’t coexist with fiery, passionate feelings. Either that or I’m just afraid of falling in love because I’m all about having power and control and falling for someone is a very powerless feeling. I miss the intimacy of meshing with someone’s mind like that but I don’t want to feel like I’ve lost my head. I don’t want to worry unduly about losing the other person. I don’t want to pine for someone all the time when they’re not around, or to feel as though I’ve lost my autonomy.

And so here I am again, doing preliminary relationship negotiations with someone who is very nice and sweet but who will likely always remain at a slight remove from the core of me.

And I’m even having some (totally predictable) trouble dealing with the level of intimacy we have now. My brain is doing that thing where it keeps kind of shunting my feelings around so I don’t get too vulnerable. I can look The Dandy in the eye when we’re sitting around talking about random things, but not if we’re talking about personal things and not usually during sex. During sex I can come so hard that I feel opened to the world like a peeled snail and I’m alternately laughing and sobbing, but only if I kind of pretend The Dandy isn’t there or that he’s some generic person or device getting me off.

…It occurs to me that I may be messed up in some ways I hadn’t previously realized.

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