Tag Archives: The Dandy


Tonight The Dandy and I were hanging out talking and I casually mentioned to him that I’d really like it if he sometimes paid really focused attention to my body for a pretty long time. I said something like “I love that you’ll come wash me in the bathtub or rub moisturizer on me or give me a massage most of the time that I ask. And I totally get that I’m usually asking you to do this when you’re in the middle of doing something else, so it makes sense that you’d be distracted and wanting to get back to what you were doing. But every now and then I’d really love it if you picked a time to lavish attention on me where you’re not rushing or thinking about other things, and you can take your time and I can really, like, get lost in what you’re doing.”

He beamed at me (and maybe nodded? I can’t remember for sure) like he totally understood, which I hope means he’ll do it, but I’m still pretty battle-scarred from my ex husband acting understanding but then never doing the things I wanted, so I dunno.

The Dandy’s smile, come to think of it, was relaxed and genuine, whereas my ex would just look at me deadpan and nod at intervals (which I thought at the time was him taking me seriously but I guess was actually him doing the absolute minimum possible to indicate that he was listening so I’d shut up). So it’s probably different.

I’d still feel better if The Dandy had actually opened his face-hole and said something affirmative though.

But I’m proud of myself for mentioning it in a tactful way, at a good time, and not letting the issue fester for too long. And whether The Dandy remembers what I said and acts on it or not, it’s a good sign that he smiled at me in response instead of locking up and seeming angry as he sometimes does.

I feel cautiously optimistic about our relationship in general since I’ve realized that a) he’s a lot more emotionally intelligent than I thought and b) that sometimes he’ll have a knee-jerk reaction to me telling him an issue I have with him, but if I back off and let him ruminate a while, he’ll calm down and be able to talk.

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Recently I asked The Dandy if he would miss it if I stopped saying “I love you.” He immediately and emphatically said yes.

I was like “But you seem to have a hard time saying the words, yourself.”

He said it just doesn’t occur to him to. Which doesn’t make sense to me. If he wants to hear the words on a regular basis and would notice if I stopped saying them, clearly the concept of saying “I love you” does occur to him. Like I don’t wanna use the word hypocrite here but…

I told him that I actually hold back on saying it a lot because I assumed he’d feel pressure to say it back and it’s clearly not easy for him to say. But I like being verbally expressive, so as long as he doesn’t perceive it as pressure…

“No, it’s fine,” The Dandy said.

“I mean, if I’m clearly in a super insecure mood or crying or something I hope you’ll say it back, but otherwise, it’s fine. Just keep on petting me to sleep most nights and the message will be clear enough.”

“Will do,” The Dandy said, beaming.


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hand job story

Had a nice time with The Dandy the other night while Dandette was at a friend’s birthday party.

I said that I kinda wanted to take advantage of us having the place to ourselves (nudge-nudge, wink-wink) but I was kind of too exhausted.

“Also, we already took advantage earlier today,” The Dandy said (Dandette was…somewhere earlier that day and The Dandy and I had all the sex).

“That’s why I’m exhausted,” I said, grinning (not entirely true. I’m also plagued with the cold from hell, still).

So I assumed sex would not be had that night, but The Dandy did that thing he does of flipping his penis out of his pajama pants and wiggling it to get my attention, and I’m pretty sure that’s intended to initiate stuff, not just so I can give it a squeeze and then go about my day.

I got curious about how (if there’s a reliable way at all) to give The Dandy the best possible orgasm. We talked about that for a while. To an extent he didn’t seem to really know. I have a feeling he and his previous partners never experimented much, and/or nobody ever asked him this question before. He did say that getting him almost to the point of oversensitivity but not past it was usually a good thing. I asked him some clarifying questions and basically we established that direct glans contact is the thing that’s good but prone to rapidly becoming too much, for him. Staying on the outside of the foreskin and rubbing it up and down is the default thing that won’t oversensitize him.

I ended up giving him a hand job in which I alternated 60 strokes of rapid, firm foreskin-rubbing with five (or fewer) slow, lubed strokes down his glans (I asked him if switching randomly or predictably would be better and he didn’t know so I tried for predictability). He rarely talks during sex and I don’t know why. Like I said ahead of time to let me know if I was stimulating his glans too much, and also to let me know when he was close to coming. He…did neither of those things. I was doing the lubed glans-stroking thing and he started flinching at every stroke and I quickly readjusted my grip and gently said “dude! If you’re not having fun you can tell me, you know!” And he just kind of chuckled awkwardly.

As things got more heated, he started whispering things. He often does this when I’m getting him off. I didn’t want to throw him off his game by asking about it at that moment but after he came (the orgasm didn’t seem especially fantastic, btw, just average) I pointed out that he’d been doing it and said “I know that you fantasize in actual narratives with words and stuff rather than pictures, so is that you having your fantasy out loud?” he grinned sheepishly and said yeah.

A little later I asked him what words he has that are big arousal-triggers for him. I know there must be some. I’m assuming whatever mantra he whispers during hand jobs is chock-full of them. He said “I dunno” but sort of…coyly? And with a trace of defensiveness somehow?

“Oh, you totally know,” I said, grinning. “But I won’t push.”

“Sometimes my ‘I don’t know’ doesn’t really mean that I don’t know,” The Dandy said (why does he do that? Why does he repeat back basically what I just freaking said as if he’s teaching me something?)

“Yeah, no kidding. And if you’re not ready to share this stuff, you’re not ready. It’s cool. But if I knew the words that turn you on I’d probably say them to you, is my point.” And I dropped the subject. But boy, do I want to know what he’s thinking.

I don’t know why The Dandy relegates himself to mediocre sex. He never told me that his nipples are somewhat erogemous for him; I had to find that out through trial-and-error. He never told me that I can extend his orgasms during PIV by holding still for the first few seconds but then very slowly starting to thrust again  – I found that out by trial and error, too. Once I discovered these things and said something about them, he talked openly about them and it was clearly he’d known these things about himself for a while. But for some reason he chose not to tell me, just like he won’t tell me about his fantasies. I can understand about the fantasies seeming too personal or him being afraid I’ll laugh at him, but stuff like how to get him off effectively or that he likes his nipples played with but not for too long or it’s too much? Why would he keep that from me?

Oh, also, I confirmed with The Dandy a thing he’d said before – that hand jobs never used to work for him and now they do. I know that’s not me because he said blow jobs work for him now, too, and never used to, and those are Dandette’s department. His body is just changing what it likes, I think. Still, when he told me again that hand jobs work now and didn’t used to, I said “Tell me that’s totally because I’m so awesome at them, even though that’ll be a lie.”

The Dandy kind of smirked and rolled his eyes at me. Then, after a brief pause, he said “Maybe it’s that you actually ask me what I want instead of assuming that whatever worked for someone else will work for me.” …Oh. Maybe it is a little bit about me, then. 😀



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Dandette and I caught The Dandy’s cold with a vengeance. I got it first – woke up with my throat so sore I couldn’t swallow and my voice pretty much gone. Dandette kindly brought me breakfast and went to the store for orange juice and then I slept for a while and woke up feeling a bit better. Then she got stricken down kind of suddenly, to a point where she came back from a smoke and told me she’d been having hallucinations down there.

Meanwhile, The Dandy is feeling mostly better and went to work today and then a social thing after.

Dandette called out to The Dandy (in her sick-voice that sounds like a goose being stepped on) asking if he could take the dog out and he balked. He was like “Ummmm I don’t really feel like it but I guess I could.” Are you fucking kidding me? He’s gonna make Dandette go down there when she’s sick as fuck because he’s all worn out from hanging out with his friends and doesn’t want his internet wind-down time interrupted? He’d even said earlier that night that Dandette was sicker with this cold than he’d been even at its peak. And yet.

I quietly told him that Dandette was sick to the point of hallucinating and the idea of her walking the dog right now kinda broke my heart so I’d do it if necessary, but given that I’m still smack in the middle of being pretty fiercely sick, myself, and about to embark on nine consecutive days of work (eight of which begin first thing in the morning), I’m trying to conserve my energy.

The Dandy waited til Dandette was actually at the door to intercept her and offer, and by that time the dog was already hyped up to go out (and The Dandy was in his underwear) so she felt there was no turning back. She said The Dandy could meet her downstairs if he wanted and to his (slight) credit he just put pants on and went and did that.

But Jesus Christ.

The Dandy is pretty awesome in a lot of ways but I swear he thinks he deserves to live in a clean house and eat food and have well-taken-care-of pets without having to do any of the work to achieve it whatsoever. I don’t know if it’s because he grew up in a pretty rich family and got waited on a lot or if he just takes the whole “Well, I pay your rent” thing way further with Dandette than I feel is appropriate, but yeah. He’ll barely do anything around the house and it drives me fuckin’ crazy.


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Oddly, when Dandette starts acting up in whatever way, I start feeling rampantly insecure about my relationship with The Dandy and my place in the household. I analyzed this and realized it’s because I’m scared I complicate his life even further. Like, when it was just the two of them living here, if Dandette went off the rails, he’d (usually) just ignore her; stay out of her way; go surf the internet with his door closed or something. Now he’s gotta deal with me saying “I want something from the kitchen but she’s in the living room and she makes me nervous. Come with me” or else urgently venting all my awkward feelings about the situation to him while she’s out for smoke breaks. He doesn’t ask me for comfort or support; only the other way around. So he’s kind of stuck in the middle.

I explained this to The Dandy and asked if he felt stuck in the middle. He said he doesn’t. I asked if he likes having me here – if I contribute anything good – and he said yes, and added “And I’m not just talking about the sex.”

And I said I feel guilty, too, knowing that he’s in this relationship with her that he doesn’t want anymore and he kind of did it to make things less awkward for me. But even as I said this I was like “Oh wait, but you had a few times when you started up with her again even before we were dating. You probably would have started fucking her again eventually, even if I wasn’t in the picture. So…not my fault.” The Dandy didn’t explicitly tell me I was correct in this, but his face and body language were like “yeah, pretty much.”

Good. Maybe I can feel more secure now.

That exchange happened last night, after Dandette imploded over me not wanting her to drink. I mean I’m pretty sure the night of terrible drunken things happened only two weeks ago, and I was like “can we lay off alcohol for a while?” and she said yes. Granted, I didn’t lay out a time frame. But last night she asked me if I’d mind her picking up a bottle of wine to go with dinner and I feel like that’s a bit audacious. I said to please not, and she said “yes, dear.”

But a little bit later on she was acting all wonkus and hid in her room for a while. I thought it was just garden-variety anxiety stuff but apparently she’d asked The Dandy if the two of us could go out to dinner that night, and when he said no, she muttered something about how she’s a piece of shit just like my ex-husband (who was an alcoholic and she knows it) and stormed off.

So probably she was feeling such a strong urge to drink that she was hoping to get us out of the house so she could sneak some.

TBH it strikes me as a really good sign that she’s obliquely labeling herself an alcoholic. The piece-of-shit ex husband was far further along on his own path of destruction before he did that. Although on the other hand maybe with Dandette it’s her mental illness making her exaggerate shit so she can wallow and self-flagellate, and really she doesn’t see an issue.

At any rate her blowup made shit incredibly weird for me; she knows from my stories about my alcoholic ex and his alcoholic parents that I “hate drunk people” (but doesn’t seem to necessarily grasp why; it’s not the mere fact of someone being tipsy, it’s that it usually comes along with them repeatedly violating other people’s personal boundaries) and I figured she was now thinking of me as the Ruiner of All Fun or The Person Who’s Making Her Confront An Uncomfortable Truth or whatever. And I desperately didn’t want to run into her in the apartment; you know she’d make a big thing of self-flagellating for wanting to drink and then she’d wait for me to say “Noooo, you’re awesome, there’s nothing wrong with drinking! I’m just twitchy and judgmental!” or whatever when in fact she definitely is a budding alcoholic.

So I pasted myself to The Dandy’s side all night so I’d never be facing Dandette alone (there never did end up being a confrontation though; she sulked in her room and then eventually came out acting all normal and asking if we wanted anything from the corner store). But that’s what triggered my insecure feelings.

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An illuminating talk.

I’m getting such a strong vibe lately that The Dandy is pulling away from Dandette – and, as usual, my jealousy has started kicking in. If the two of them were functional and happy, I’d be happy for them. But they’re not, so once again I find myself thinking: why am I sharing space with (and partially funding the expenses of!) this person who makes me uncomfortable, again? Why is The Dandy sharing space and financing most of her life, again?

Today while Dandette was out someplace I flat-out asked him if he wanted to be dating her. He hesitated and then said “Not really.” I told him (or told him again; pretty sure I’ve mentioned it before) about my jealousy thing that happens when a partner is with someone else but doesn’t seem that into them. I also said that TBH with my sketchy-ass job and two cats it would be hard for me to secure an apartment elsewhere, and if I did I’d have to deal with roommates anyway, and at least here I already know what kind of bullshit I’m in for (and one of my “roommates” is someone I feel completely comfortable with and can be naked around and stuff, which helps) so I’ll try to make a go of it here no matter what he decides. But I really want my own room so I’m not really down for staying in our current apartment indefinitely while he decides if he should oust Dandette or not. He reminded me that Dandette doesn’t pay rent – and wouldn’t pay any rent in a 3-bedroom place, either – hence he can afford the bigger place whether she lives there or not. Right. Duh.

We discussed that the options here are basically: The Dandy and Dandette work to get their relationship back on track, The Dandy breaks up with Dandette but she keeps living here, The Dandy breaks up with Dandette and she goes…somewhere, or The Dandy just kinda lets things continue on as they have been, where they’re dating in theory but in practice they’re not really cuddling or having sex or doing any sort of relationship things. Maybe Dandette would even get tired of that and dump him first – she was the one who dropped the hammer the first time they broke up, after all. She’s capable of it.

I asked him which thing he thought he might do and he said he didn’t know yet. TBH he really seemed to be longing to have Dandette out of here but just scared of the conversation that this would require, plus not knowing where she could logically go. I was like “Okay, so let me ask you this: if you could magically, without any effort at all, either be in love with Dandette and everything’s great or suddenly she’s not living here anymore, what would you choose?”

Oh,” said The Dandy, as though having a not-very-nice epiphany. He didn’t say anything else but I’m betting he was realizing that yeah, he did want her out; that he’d been living with someone for years whom he didn’t really want around, and was essentially held hostage by her fragile mental state.

“You don’t have to answer right now,” I said. “You don’t even have to tell me what your answer is. It’s just a question to get your brain moving a bit.”

Then I tried my luck and brought up the much-argued-about topic of why he’ll have sex with her but never gets her off. His previous answer had been that he knows she’s got PTSD from past sexual trauma and he’s afraid that’ll kick in if he tries, but that makes no damn sense. He’ll stick his dick in her. He’ll do needle play with her (though he hasn’t in a long time). Why on Earth would he be fine skewering her genitals with a needle but not with touching them nicely? But the vibe between them is so weird lately that my new thought is he feels resentment toward her that makes him not especially want to be intimate. I voiced this idea to The Dandy and he said yeah, that’s exactly it.

Specifically, he said that he doesn’t feel like she’s particularly attracted to him – she just uses him for validation. She almost never initiates stuff with him unless she’s drunk or feeling insecure about her attractiveness. And The Dandy is just kind of…over it. He has sex with Dandette when she initiates it because if he didn’t, she’d freak out and melt down. But he’s not even into that, really, let alone engaging even further by getting her off. And she’s incapable of asking for orgasms (or for any sexual thing, usually, except when her insecurity drives her to “ask” for sexual contact by playing with his dick) and The Dandy is pretty over that, too – the whole passive-aggressive thing where he has to read her mind but even if he reads it correctly and offers the thing she wants, she’ll deny that she wants it (but then get mad later that he didn’t do it anyway).

This explanation makes 100% sense to me and puts my mind at ease on this issue.

(Then I was like “how do you even manage to have the sex? Oooh do you think about me during it? That would be perverse and oddly satisfying to me.” The Dandy was cagey, for some reason, and said that he thinks about all kinds of people. “But am I at least in the rotation somewhere?” I pressed. He cheekily said “Sometimes – when I’m having sex with you.” I made a big show of mock outrage and we kissed.)

But yeah. He basically said that he cares about Dandette and wants her to be happy and stuff but he’s realized that they don’t work well sexually; he’d rather just be friends. But he’s in this relationship with her now and she lives here and she has noplace else she can really go and she’ll probably freak out if he breaks things off – like to the point of suicidal ideation – so he can’t easily extricate himself.

It sounded like he’d been feeling this way for a long-ass time so I asked him if he only got back together with her to mitigate the awkwardness in the house when she started being jealous over his relationship with me. He immediately said yes. I was like “DUUUUDE” and he pointed out that the relationship had sort of been presented to him as a fait accompli.

I apologized for being as pushy about that as I had been (I, too, had been desperate to end the awkwardness), but reminded him that he’d said he wanted to get back together with her. If he’d said he didn’t love her anymore and didn’t want to date her, I absolutely would not have tried to push them back together again. But he said he loved her and would be okay with dating her again! I mean, except for a couple of reservations that I directly brought up with Dandette, basically presenting it as “maybe you and The Dandy can get back together, conditional on how you handle these topics I’m telling you.” But Dandette glossed right on over those things and started telling everyone that she and The Dandy were back together and he never stopped her and made her confront the things she glossed over.

He said he really did think, at the time, that things with Dandette could work if he had me as a sort of buffer zone. I was like “Yeaaah in retrospect I see that having a relationship that entirely hinges on the presence in your life of another person is probably not great. Like it’s not a good sign to need that.” The Dandy didn’t contest me.

I also said, though, that I get it. I understand his idea of dating her again despite his better judgment. The concept of putting out in order to avoid someone getting upset/angry is unfortunately not new to me. So…yeah.

And we talked a whole bunch more about the state of things. The Dandy is also put off Dandette a bit because she’s genderqueer and going through a dude-phase lately, and The Dandy respects her stated gender enough that he is indeed thinking of her as kind of a guy (despite her dressing and acting the same as ever). Also, it came out that he feels that she’s not into him specifically but just wants a trophy to show her parents – there’s a dynamic where her parents are kinda shitty and dismissive toward her and I think she wants to prove to them that she’s a grownup, so The Dandy with his great clothes and six-figure income is an impressive shiny thing to display for them. Dandette goes for older, established guys in general; it’s very much a thing with her.

And The Dandy observed that Dandette has been making a lot of comments lately about “what would you do without me?” and it’s probably because she can feel him pulling away emotionally and wants reassurance that she’s still important here. He said it’s such an awkward thing when she fishes for those compliments, though, because yes it’s great that she cooks and does housework – it makes life easier – but he and I can both get by on our own. If we said that to her she’d no doubt get upset, but neither of us wants to lie to her and say she’s saving our lives, either. Last night, in fact, she was away during dinnertime so we fended for ourselves, and when Dandette returned she pointedly asked The Dandy what it was like to feed ourselves without her. There was a tiny awkward silence – The Dandy wasn’t saying anything – so I jumped in and purposely derailed things via huge, silly hyperbole: “I caught him sobbing onto the kitchen counter. Tears were trembling in his face-fur. It was the most tragic thing I have ever seen.” The Dandy said he knew exactly what I was doing there and why.

The Dandy often gives the impression of being derpy about emotional shit but dude sees everything. Like, during this talk, he made so many bang-on observations about Dandette and her behaviour, and talked about how it affects him and about what he needs in a relationship and isn’t getting from her, and holy cow this display of communication and emotional prowess had me falling for him.

I ventured to say that I hated seeming so adversarial or whatever but it does seem to me that almost all the drama The Dandy and I have had in our relationship originated with Dandette and I couldn’t help wondering what it would be like if it was just him and I living together, on our own. He agreed that things would likely be much more peaceful and drama-free.

But I’m pretty sure he’ll never be able to ask her to leave, so I guess it’s moot.

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A potentially productive talk.

Dandette made dinner for us the other night and then left to run errands while The Dandy and I ate. I took the opportunity to vent to him a little bit about how badly Dandette reacted the two times I tried to talk to her about important relationship issues recently. He said yeah, you can’t ever really bring up issues with her without her melting down.

I blurted out “And you’re not always too easy to talk to about issues, either. Jeez, your whole relationship with her must be just the two of you sitting around in a giant, festering pool of silent resentment.”

“Not…not all the time!” The Dandy protested, weakly. But he was kind of sheepishly grinning. Then he said “What do you want?”

“What do I want?” I echoed. I assumed he meant “what do you want from Dandette and/or me when it comes to discussing issues; what’s your ideal discussion look like” sorta thing but I wasn’t sure.

The Dandy didn’t clarify but jumped straight to “You can kind of tell her one small thing at a time and she’ll take it on board.”

“Well, that’s…something, I guess…”

Then I asked The Dandy what his deal is – when we talk about emotional issues that don’t directly pertain to his and my relationship, I’ve seen him talk about his feelings knowledgeably and easily, but when I try to address things about us he’ll go quiet and I can’t pry any words out of him. Amazingly, he didn’t freeze up at my asking about him freezing up. He was in a comfortable enough headspace to talk to me. He said that he often feels attacked when someone tries to do the big Relationship Talk thing, so it’s a bit of a fight-or-flight thing. Or else sometimes he has a knee-jerk reaction to what’s been said and he kinda wants to say a mean thing but is trying to hold back.

I asked if he needs time to process things that I bring up instead of talking about them right away, and he looked relieved and said yes. (Goddammit Dandy why didn’t you ever tell me this before now!?!). I asked how long of a time he might generally need and he said if I waited a day or two before revisiting it, that would be good. I was like “Okay but could you be the one to bring it up again? Because I don’t know when you’ll be ready and I don’t want to have to ask you fifty different times. I did my part bringing up that I had an issue in the first place and I think it should be up to you to let me know when you’re ready to talk it out.”

“Okay,” The Dandy said, “but just bear in mind that I’m pretty forgetful. Once I’m not angry over a thing anymore, it’s not really at the front of my  mind. So I might forget to come back to it.”

I really, really wish I’d pushed just then and said “Okay well can you set a cell phone alarm or something to remind you to come back to the topic?” because seriously, I do not like that he’s putting the ball totally back in my court again: I have to mention when something’s bothering me and then back off a while (even though I probably reeeeally wanna hash things out on the spot) so The Dandy can process things and then I have to be like “Okay so can we talk about it yet? No? How about now? Or now? Or now?” and probably have him feel nagged and pissy if he’s not ready to talk yet? Ugh. I’m so tired of being the emotional babysitter in my relationships.

Anyway. During that same talk he mentioned that brushing his teeth and taking a shower is often how he collects his thoughts when he’s upset – it gives him time to think and makes him feel more organized and “together” or whatever. So that’s good to know. I’ll be sure not to follow him into the bathroom to continue a talk or whatever if he’s declared that he needs to brush his teeth and/or shower.

I think that’s about all we talked about. But yeah, it was good.


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