Tag Archives: food issues

Another obvious epiphany

I’m realizing that for a long time, I essentially had an eating disorder. I’d become super afraid of consuming carbs and sugar because I seemed to get more of a sugar rush than other people, and also more of a crash. I’d attributed this to being borderline hypoglycemic (this is official. I’ve had my blood sugar tested).

I was so convinced that sugar and carbs were making me sick, in fact, that when the Atkins diet became all the rage I hopped right on board. I mean, carbs seemed to make me feel sickly and the Atkins diet supposedly gives people an amazing burst of energy and they feel great all the time, so this was relevant to my interests.

Except I felt like shit on Atkins. The diet is supposed to make you feel icky for like three days as your body switches primary fuel sources from carbs to fat, but on day three or so, you’re supposed to leap out of bed feeling amazing. I was on Atkins for months and felt absolutely drained and draggy the entire time (I kept with it because I’m a stubborn asshole and figured surely the burst of energy would kick in any…day…now…). And if I accidentally did eat more than the recommended amount of carbs/sugar in a sitting? It fucked me up even more. I know it sounds melodramatic but I am being absolutely serious: one day when I was on Atkins I made myself some cottage cheese pancakes (thinking “animal protein doesn’t have a lot of carbs so this should be safe” but lactose, dude. Lactose.) and ended up straight-up lying on the floor crying because I didn’t have the energy to move. Like, at all. My limbs felt like they each weighed a hundred pounds.

A few years later I hired a nutritionist to get my eating habits sorted out, and even he didn’t know why I reacted to Atkins like that. He said he’d never heard of that happening to anyone. And this was a highly accredited dude who was recommended to me by someone I respect!

But I finally connected two very important dots the other day.

I have celiac disease. Celiac disease causes intestinal damage that keeps a person from properly absorbing the nutrients in their food.¬† But as far as I know, sugar doesn’t need the get to the intestines – it starts absorbing right way through the stomach lining. Or maybe it absorbs through the intestines (Google can’t seem to make up its mind on this), but clearly – trust me on this – the damage from celiac disease doesn’t impede that absorption process at all.

For years and years I knew I was a sugar/carb addict and felt ashamed of my lack of self-control. I’d cut out refined sugar and try to eat only complex carbs – the healthy kind we’re all supposed to focus on – and even then I’d go batshit-crazy on them and not be able to stop. My portions were all wonkus.

You guys, I WASN’T ABSORBING THE NUTRIENTS IN MY FOOD. CARBS WERE MY ONLY SOURCE OF ENERGY. I was basically walking around with malnutrition and sugars of various kinds were the only fuel my body could properly process, and I cut those off, too, so then if I tried to have just a little bit of pasta or something my starving brain would make me inhale ten pounds of it just to have something sustaining me, and I’d berate myself for being a weak piece of shit, for giving myself an intense hypoglycemic “sugar crash” that made me feel drained and lethargic after. Except it wasn’t hypoglycemia doing that, it was the gluten in the pasta plus the fact that my body’s base state was “chronically malnourished” (so, maybe less of a “carb crash” and more a “temporary lift followed by going back to normal” where “normal” means fatigued and derpy) plus perhaps that I wasn’t absorbing any of the nutrients that would slow down the absorption of the sugars.

Then I went on Atkins, which meant never taking in any fuel my body could properly use, so of course I never had any energy. It also meant I ate little-to-no gluten, so my intestines started to repair themselves, which was key to me realizing something had been very, very wrong with my body up to that point, so there’s a silver lining. But it kills me that I lambasted myself for a lack of willpower for so long over my carb cravings when in fact I managed long periods of being extremely low-carb even though this denied my body of its only energy source, rendered me completely fatigued and burned out most of the time, and was literally starving my brain.

Now that I’ve been off gluten long enough for my intestinal damage to have repaired itself, I’m finally experiencing that thing everyone always says about eating nutritious food making you feel better. I’d thought that was a myth, since I always felt just as shitty being vegan as I did eating McDonalds as I did being paleo. But now I do feel a difference when I eat my veggies, and it’s surprisingly immediate. And I can eat (gluten free) pasta now in moderation; I guess my body is absorbing enough vitamins that it doesn’t depend on the pasta in my meal as its main energy source anymore, so now there’s a sort of natural stopping point where my gut or brain or whatever says “Okay, that’s enough carbs” all on its own. So on one hand, I eat a lot less spaghetti in one sitting now than I used to, but on the other hand, dude I can eat so many carbs now and not get fucked up!!! I mean, the moderate amount of pasta my body enjoys these days before it says “enough” doesn’t really make me feel high, just good.

I really wish I’d figured this shit out a few decades sooner. ūüė¶


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Fucking moderation, how does it work?

For decades¬†now I’ve heard women¬†talk about their disordered eating habits and felt lucky and kind of smug that I don’t have a weird relationship with food. I try to eat in a relatively healthy way,¬†but don’t count calories or tell myself I’m being “bad” if I want a chocolate bar; I’m maybe a little more into fatty foods than is ideal, but when I realize I’ve gained weight I cut back on the really fattening stuff – not insane total denial, just reining myself in a little – and my weight evens out again eventually (or did, until recently), and it’s no big deal.


My body is showing signs of yet another food sensitivity (or several, I dunno) that I haven’t figured out yet. My doctor referred me to a dietician. I saw her the other day.

We went over what I typically eat in a day and she observed that I don’t eat a lot of carbohydrates at all and that this is not good for me.

This is actually the third time I’ve heard this. First a¬†naturopath I was seeing said it, back when I was wondering why I was so lethargic I could barely lift my head; then a few years later I saw a nutritionist who told me the same thing; and now I’ve got the dietician telling me that I’m basically starving my brain of a macronutrient that it needs in order to function. Well shit. I guess I just don’t learn.

Here’s the thing: I’ve mentioned before that my anxiety makes me notice patterns (or think a pattern exists when it’s actually just a coincidence); I’m trying to make sense of the world. I’m trying to make life into a nice, predictable series of if/then clauses. And one of the patterns I saw, back in the day, is that too many sugars of any kind really fuck me up.

It’s¬†possible that it’s actually¬†gluten that was messing with my health back then, not carbs per se. Celiac disease was not a household phrase back then and you can’t really blame me if I noticed I felt messed up after eating cake or cookies and went on to blame the sugar. But I do think that sugar/carbs were part of the issue.

At any rate, I used to feel weak and dizzy all the time and cutting out dessert-y things helped substantially – as in, basically brought me from “bedridden” to “able to watch tv sitting up and sometimes even walk places.” Then I started noticing that even eating a piece of fruit would give me a bit of a sugar high and then a subsequent crash that brought on the weak/dizzy thing a little bit and made me crave more sugars.

And I tried eating protein at the same time to try to cancel out the effect of the carbohydrates a bit. It works to a certain extent, but it’s not like the two things cancel each other out totally. A pear will still give me a bit of a buzz even if I eat a fairly substantial amount of cheese with it, for instance. I tried to have a snack of blueberries and almond butter once and ended up going off the rails and eating five times as much as I’d meant to because the combo tasted so good, and I crashed pretty hard from it.

So I just…stopped. No bread, cake, cookies, etc., because I’m gluten intolerant. No fruit, because it’s too easy to get high on it. No rice or noodles because they seem like pointless calories (no protein and barely any vitamins) that will also get me high. I knew that people need¬†some carbohydrates in order to function*, so I allowed myself a bit of maple syrup to go with my sausage and eggs, or a handful of blueberries on top of my salads.

And then one time by accident I discovered that when I’m under a¬†lot of physical exertion to the point where I feel depleted and have the shakes, sugar¬†fixes it without making me high per se. I know this because The Bunny came to one of my modelling gigs once and brought me apple juice, which normally I would have eschewed because it’s all fructose with not even much fiber to balance that¬†out, but I hadn’t brought enough snacks and I was desperate so I chugged a bunch of it.¬†And it made me feel so much better. So I started allowing myself drinkable yogurt and chocolate bars at work but not at any other time.

Except sometimes I’d snap and eat a whole thing of ice cream, I guess because my body was rebelling against the whole low-carb thing.

But yeah. Medical professionals keep telling me that I need to eat more carbs and I feel like a junkie getting told¬†“Why are you avoiding heroin? Heroin is¬†fine. Just limit your portions and eat some lean protein at the same time.” And I’m baffled. Limit…heroin? How does that even work? Heroin is healthy? Not in my experience it isn’t (I’m still speaking metaphorically here)!

So I’m freaking out right now because I don’t understand how this new diet is supposed to work. The dietician¬†wants me to eat less fat, too, but the things I would normally use to “buffer” the effects of carbohydrates (like eating cheese or peanut butter along with fruit, or meat along with rice) are mostly pretty fatty, so what the fuck do I do?

Also her examples of portion sizes are, like, a fraction of what¬†I’d actually need in order to feel full**. And she claims that fiber expands in your stomach and helps you to feel full faster but I have seriously never noticed this; I only notice that the carbs lift my blood sugar and then it crashes, which makes me feel more ravenous than if I’d skipped the carbohydrates in the first place. The only thing that makes me feel full, ever, is massive amounts of animal protein.

I honestly feel like an alien right now. The things the dietician is recommending to me¬†just sound so wildly at odds with how my body actually seems to work. Except I know I’m prone to all-or-nothing thinking and finding patterns where there aren’t any, and she is supposedly an expert at food-related things, so I’m going to try to set my misgivings aside and do this shit for a few weeks and see what happens.

Gotta say, though – I told the dietician that sometimes I crave fat and will eat a wheel of brie in one or two sittings, and she had no idea what the phrase “wheel of brie” meant. “A wellabee? What?” “No, a¬†wheel. Of brie.” “What is that?”

Now, I’m not saying that it¬†necessarily means anything that my dietician doesn’t know that a flat round unit of cheese is¬†called a¬†“wheel” (and possibly doesn’t know what brie is, either). But frankly it doesn’t inspire a lot of confidence.

Also she was looking over my list of what I ate that day and was like “a banana and sausage and eggs for breakfast…see? No carbs in there” and I had to point out that a banana is a source of carbohydrates. Pretty much¬†all carbohydrates, really. Lots of fruit sugars and pretty much no fat or protein.

I’m fully aware that I probably look like a pretentious git when I talk all the time about how stupid doctors and other health care¬†professionals seem to be – given that I don’t have any formal training in any of the disciplines I’m mocking – but they really¬†do say stupid things!


*Well, not really. Inuit people live entirely on meat and blubber, and the Atkins diet is a thing. Although I’ve been on Atkins and it FUCKED ME UP LIKE WHOA so I can attest that¬†I personally need carbs to at least some extent.

**Her idea of an appropriate breakfast is¬†one egg,¬†one of those skinny finger-size breakfast sausages, and like 1/4 cup of cooked oatmeal. What the actual fuck? I’m a 6′, 200lb woman with a very physically active job and she’s prescribing me an adorable miniature doll breakfast. Who can live on that? Seriously!



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Awesome but scary…

Sooooo, more and more modelling work keeps tricking in and if all goes as planned, it looks as though I’ll be making enough during the months of September and October to¬†actually live on…or close to it.

This will require me to pay really close attention to my health, since I have a lot of issues with my energy levels faltering and I get burned out really easily.  I want to do a good job at these gigs and Рeven more importantly РI want to survive them without having some kind of breakdown!

This is my survival plan:

No refined sugar if I can possibly help it.  Or at least, very little.  Gotta keep my blood sugar as stable as possible.

Less internet. ¬†I tend to use the internet as a distraction to drown out my anxieties. ¬†But that just makes my brain really…noisy (I flitter from one browser tab to the next¬†constantly, doing multiple things at once,¬†and my anxieties are still chattering away at me underneath the Facebook/FetLife/blog/notalwaysright/etc. chatter). ¬†Which makes me feel all wired and restless. ¬†And, I’ve been generally missing out on doing productive things because I’m caught in an infinite internet loop. ¬†I eat random handfuls of stuff out of the fridge instead of preparing meals. ¬†My apartment gets overrun by clutter.

More sleep. ¬†When I finally¬†close my laptop at night and try to go to sleep, the anxiety is like “WOOHOO! ¬†THERE’S FINALLY ROOM TO DANCE!” and then I can’t sleep for shit because I can’t stop thinking about stuff that freaks me out. ¬†¬†¬†Basically, I do this whole compulsive distraction thing because I’m afraid to let myself feel feelings. ¬†But being sad or freaked out or angry isn’t gonna kill me, and my avoidance tactics are kinda ruining my life, so yeah. ¬†I need to start meditating on a regular basis, I think.

More food. ¬†My appetite doesn’t seem to work like other people’s; I suspect it has something to do with my blood sugar issues. ¬†For me, the feeling of hunger is directly related to the amount of exertion I’m putting out. ¬†I could probably lie in bed for two days straight and not feel any need to eat, but if I then decided to walk to the corner store, the burning of calories would make my stomach scream for more fuel and by the time I was halfway to the corner I’d be shaking and feeling on the verge of collapse. ¬†It’s kind of a vicious cycle, I think: I don’t eat because I’m not hungry because I’m not expending any energy, but then by the time I¬†do¬†need to eat I’m so weak I can barely stand so I’ll have something that maybe doesn’t balance my blood sugar too well or have much nutritional value. ¬†So then I¬†still don’t have any energy so I avoid doing anything strenuous and then I don’t really get hungry. ¬†A day or two ago I forced myself to prepare and eat a small, relatively nutritious snack every two hours or so whether I wanted one or not, and I felt considerably better than I normally do. ¬†Maybe it’s just a fluke or a placebo effect, though. ¬†Time will tell. ¬†

At any rate, on any day when I’m posing for two or more classes, I’ve realized it’s imperative that I bring properly balanced meals to eat between-times and not depend on random convenience store food or pieces of fruit. ¬†And I’ve determined that plain kefir (drinkable yogurt) has a good balance of carbs and protein to keep me going, so I’ll make that a staple, too. ¬†And I bought myself some protein bars (ones that actually manage to be soy and gluten free¬†and not too sugary or chemical-laden) to keep on hand in case of emergencies.

More water. I also don’t seem to feel thirsty very often. ¬†But I’m aware that my blood pressure is unusually low and that dehydration can make it worse, so I’d best choke down as much water as possible. ¬†I¬†thought I was doing okay with that, but maybe not; I’m trying to be more vigilant now.

More salt. ¬†Salt raises one’s blood pressure, which I need. ¬†And I don’t eat a lot of processed foods at all, so I guess I’m not getting a lot of salt in the regular course of my day. ¬†I may just down a teaspoon full of it every day before I leave the house, or something. ¬†Or maybe I’ll start adding a little bit to the bottle of water I take to work.

Also, I had one of my trademark Obvious Epiphanies about my¬†heat sensitivity issue: maybe it¬†is¬†partly due to salt depletion. ¬†Because yeah, I don’t sweat a lot and I ate a big plate of salty bacon right before I left the house the other day; but I do sweat¬†some¬†(over a large amount of surface area!)¬†and arguably that bacon merely got my blood pressure up to normal. ¬†Then what little sweating I did probably got rid of some of that salt and put me back to sub-par again.

It would be really nice if I could stick to all of this and it gave me the energy to work and¬†make proper meals¬†and sometimes maybe do fun stuff, just like a normal person. ¬†I don’t have a lot of hope, because it seems like every time I do something that’s supposed to make me feel better/healthier, it works for a little while and then things fall to shit again. ¬†But it would be nice if this regimen finally turned out to be THe Big Solution to My Problems.


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Damn preachy vegan…

I recently friended a girl on Facebook – someone I’d met a few times through The Social Worker. ¬†I knew she was vegan before that, but I did not know that she’s the kind of person to post vegan propaganda on her feed all the time.

Just as an aside, I¬†was vegan myself for two or three years (and vegetarian for a few years before that). ¬†I’m a believer in animal rights. ¬†But I also believe that you can’t change a person’s mind about something unless they¬†want it changed, and I think it’s inappropriate to attack other people’s choices out of the blue (especially when they’re kind of a captive audience, like coworkers or a friend you’re having lunch with) so I didn’t preach. ¬†Most people I encountered in my daily life had no idea I was vegan at all*. ¬†If someone found out that I was vegan and asked me¬†why, I’d give them as much additional information as they seemed willing to handle. ¬†Mostly I’d just say “because I think the farming industry treats the animals badly and I don’t want to be part of that” and only go into specifics if asked. ¬†It always bothered me when people acted like all vegetarians and vegans are automatically “preachy” and holier-than-thou, because I’d never met one of that sort in person and I wasn’t one myself. ¬†If anything it seemed like the omnivores would seize on my vegan diet as an excuse to preach to¬†me. ¬†

Anyway, yesterday this girl posted a link to an article about the badness that happens in egg production, and captioned it “straight out of their assholes and onto your plate.” ¬†

I have no patience for juvenile bullshit like this. ¬†I really don’t. ¬†There are tons of genuinely¬†perverse and horrible things about farming and eating eggs; you don’t have try to make the idea unappealing by pretending eggs come out a chicken’s ass. ¬†Also, I half wondered if this girl¬†really did think chickens squeezed out eggs through their colons, and further wondered why anyone would believe the information she posted if she was so clearly confused about the basic way an animal’s body works. ¬†I guess when it comes down to it I¬†do think people should be educated about factory farming so that if they continue to eat animal products, it’s an informed choice. ¬†But the way to educate is not through shock tactics or juvenile stunts. ¬†It’s by saying “Hey, here are some things you should probably know” and presenting the facts.

So I commented on Preachy Vegan Girl’s link: “I think you are misunderstanding some fundamental things about anatomy.”

And she snarked back, “I think consumers are misunderstanding some fundamental things about egg production.”

Alright, then. ¬†She knows that eggs come out of a chicken’s vagina (or…I think it’s called the cloaca in birds?). ¬†She’s just trying to be deliberately shocking, and making herself look stupid in the process.

I was tempted to explain to her that she wasn’t helping her case by being all facetious n shit, but her vegan-related posts are always just so¬†adversarial that I’m sure she would assume I was trying to shut her up rather than¬†make her arguments more effective. ¬†She’s normally the sweetest girl you ever saw, but on this one subject she is apparently kind of insane. ¬†So I just stayed quiet and adjusted my settings so that her posts don’t appear in my feed anymore. ¬†

With her adversarial, “everyone-who-dares-defy-me-is-just-a-damn-dirty-animal-hater” attitude, though, it would almost be sort of fun to get into it with her. ¬†I can quote all the same factory farming facts and stats that she can; maybe more (I was pretty hardcore back in the day) and I have reasons for being an omnivore that would be difficult – if not impossible – to refute. ¬†It would be kind of nice to let this bitch know that yeah, sometimes people care about animals and know all the facts but¬†we have to be omnivorous anyway. ¬†It’s not always black and white.

Update:¬†¬†…Huh. ¬†Google tells me that a chicken only has one hole in its backside, which emits both eggs and poop. ¬†So Vegan Girl was half-right.


*Until some kind of communal food thing happened.

“Hey, there’s pizza in the break room! ¬†Are you gonna have pizza?”

“No, thanks. ¬†I’m good.”

“But why not? ¬†Why won’t you have pizza? ¬†There’s free pizza!”

“Nope, that’s okay.”

“WHY WON’T YOU HAVE PIZZA? ¬†ARE YOU THE ENEMY OF ALL THINGS GOOD AND FUN? ¬†WTF IS WRONG WITH YOOOOOU?!?!?” (Okay, they didn’t use those exact words. ¬†But the tone was clear enough.)

“I…just don’t eat meat or cheese.”

“But why not?!?!?”

And then I’d tell them I was vegan, for animal rights reasons. ¬†And 99% of the time, the person would barrage me with a bunch of hostile questions that basically forced me to defend my choice.


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In an unprecedented burst of I-no-longer-give-a-fuck-itude, I have tentatively decided to go back on red meat.

A bunch of years ago, my then-husband read about factory farming practices and convinced me to go vegetarian, then vegan.  I later adopted some animal products back into my diet, but felt conflicted about it and kind of arbitrarily drew the line at eating mammals.

But now the window of Things I Can Eat seems to be closing even further; I figured out years ago that I can’t have soy protein or gluten, but lately it seems like¬†any¬†processed food I eat (even stuff that’s soy and gluten-free) messes me up a little bit. ¬†I suspect I have a whole lot of other food sensitivities I haven’t isolated and identified yet.

Eating at home has become boring and repetitive. ¬†Eating in restaurants has become damn near impossible. ¬†So it’s time to broaden my horizons.

I just ate bacon for the first time* in probably fifteen years. ¬†And eggs. ¬†Bacon and eggs! ¬†Just like a normal person! ¬†And my stomach didn’t implode or anything!

And the other day I bought ground beef and put it in some soup. ¬†The soup was not as tasty as I’d anticipated, but I don’t think that’s the beef’s fault. ¬†I’d put in a bunch of chopped-up peppers and they’re giving it a faintly bitter taste that I don’t like. ¬†I should’ve gone in a more tomato-y direction with it, I think.

Bacon is about as delicious as I remembered, and beef seems like a pretty cost-effective and inoffensive alternative to chicken, but overall I think maaaaybe I won’t be keeping any of that stuff around on a regular basis. ¬†I still feel conflicted about eating piggies and moo-cows, and there’s the whole saturated fat thing, and I just remembered that apparently too much red meat will make a person’s secretions taste bitter, which I don’t want. ¬†Guys who’ve gone down on me have complimented me on my flavour many times, and why mess with a good thing?

I’m glad to know that I’m still capable of eating that stuff without my colon turning inside out or something. ¬†And I’m¬†super glad to have increased options when dining out. ¬†But maybe I won’t go on some huge red meat rampage just ¬†yet.

We’ll see.


*On purpose, that is. ¬†I’m sure some kind of broth or fat or byproduct has made it into my system by accident on occasion.


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Yay and urgh.

Usually I eat the same few things all the time, but yesterday I felt like a change (which usually means my mood is improving*, so yay!).  I also felt like stepping out of my comfort zone (probably to prove to myself that I can still have a full life without a bf around to rescue me from the things that make me anxious).

So, I got gluten free Pizza Pizza for dinner.  The ordering process twigged a bunch of my anxiety issues in a pretty huge way, but I did it Рand actually it went totally smoothly.  The counterguy was amazing.

The horrible downside is that, although the pizza was gluten free, I guess the crust was too carbohydratey for me, or contained some other ingredient that affects me badly, or something – I ate half of it last night, was¬†high as a friggin’ kite all evening, and had big-time fuzzy brain and coma sleeps; I could barely wake up this morning afternoon. ¬†Then when I did wake up, I ended up compulsively finishing the¬†other half of the pizza. ¬†And then having a smoothie later to boost up my blood sugar again when I began to have a post-pizza crash. ¬†I really,¬†really shouldn’t have fucked myself up today because I’m working first thing tomorrow morning, but…yeah.

The smoothie was fuckin’ amazing though. ¬†Almond milk, almond butter, banana, maple syrup, and decaf espresso, from a fancy-schmancy health food restaurant I went to with Kaija. ¬†I totally wanna go back for another on a day when I have not already messed up my blood sugar. ¬†ūüôā

Health issues aside, I’m excited that I deviated from my usual food patterns¬†and ordered take-out all by myself. ¬†One small step for the neurotypicals, one giant leap for me.

*When I’m depressed I don’t have the energy for decision-making, no matter how minor. ¬†I think that’s the biggest reason my diet is so samey.


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Being newly single always makes me antsy and fills me with self-doubt. ¬†I start believing that I’m totally weird – just completely damaged and idiosyncratic and fucked up – and sure, I’ve had people who somehow fell in love with me in spite of it all, but that was all a fluke. ¬†Obviously I’m never going to find another person who would be willing to put up with me.

These feelings are compounding double for me right about now. ¬†I mean, seriously…I have social anxiety, I get freaked out in crowds and hate going to unfamiliar places, I dislike calling people on the phone and I have a bunch of baroque dietary needs that make restaurant dining extremely difficult*. ¬†How the FUCK am I supposed to go on dates? ¬†Why would a date – who presumably doesn’t know me well enough yet to have seen my many sterling qualities – put up with all my limitations when he could just go out with someone normal instead? ¬†I know I have a lot of good things to offer someone but I don’t think those things are so obvious and upfront that they’ll necessarily cancel out my immediate and horrible downside.

I mean, fuck, the only kind of “first date” I really feel comfortable with is having coffee with someone, and only if we go to a certain chain (because it’s familiar and I like their decaf coffee) and only if it’s a branch of the chain where I’ve been before (so I don’t feel lost and freaked out). ¬†I’d be okay seeing a movie with someone, too, except that’s a lousy way to get to know someone and also I’d have to reveal a certain amount of my anxiety issues (I always have to use the washroom before seeing a movie, just to make absolutely sure I won’t have to pee during. ¬†And this pit stop has to be¬†before¬†we go into the theatre and stake our claim on some seats because it freaks me out trying to find my way back again. ¬†I need my movie partner to wait outside the bathroom for me).

And food, OMG¬†food. ¬†Sushi places usually have things I can eat. ¬†Some restaurants carry a salad-with-grilled-chicken-on-top type deal that’s probably safe. ¬†If there’s an all day breakfast, I might be able to score an omelet. ¬†And that’s…basically it. ¬†That’s all that will work for me. ¬†Unless we go to a place that’s specifically gluten free, in which case half the time their shit has soy in it so I still can’t have it.

The Doll, as I’ve mentioned, has asked me out a second time. ¬†The plan is to go to a cafe that has board games, but he told me he’ll “research local eateries” as a backup plan in case the cafe is full (He’ll be meeting me right after work, so he will¬†be in need of dinner). ¬†And¬†my stomach went all wobbly with terror. ¬†I feel like I could get away with just ordering a beverage at the cafe, since the main focus there is playing the games. ¬†Nursing a beverage in a restaurant opposite someone eating a full meal? ¬†That tends to make the one with the meal uncomfortable. ¬†Not to mention it kinda sucks watching someone else enjoy food when¬†you¬†can’t.

I didn’t want to seem all bossy and shit, so I finally wrote The Doll back telling him that I have complicated dietary requirements and will eat before I leave the house – that way if appropriate food presents itself I might partake, and if it doesn’t I’ll still be fine. ¬†And I parenthetically mentioned what my issues actually are (well, the main ones anyway) and which dishes are usually okay for me so that if he’s super keen to accommodate me he has the tools.

Just…fuck. ¬†I¬†like¬†when someone else plans an outing. ¬†I actually hate doing research and figuring out logistics; I only do it out of necessity. ¬†My dream is to one day have a submissive boyfriend to whom I can teach my food needs¬†and my food¬†likes¬†and he’ll¬†actually understand them,¬†and he’ll figure out places for us to go and I can relax because I trust him not to poison me. ¬†In the meantime, all I can do is eat before I leave the house, carry almonds and oranges in my purse, and hope the person I’m with doesn’t see me as some kind of food Nazi for not being able to kick back and enjoy a pizza like a normal person.

The Doll, at least, is lactose intolerant, which in theory will give him a certain amount of sympathy for my plight. ¬†He also writes articles for medical journals so maybe he’ll catch on to what “gluten free” entails faster than the average bear.

I hope the slight awkwardness between The Doll and I dissipates and we get to a point where we can talk comfortably and effortlessly – because once that happens I’ll bypass all this formal “dating” shit and just invite him to hang out at my place. ¬†That would make things much easier.


*I didn’t realize I had celiac disease until I was already dating Minx. ¬†So now I’m single¬†and have full knowledge that I can’t go for pizza with someone, or go get an ice cream cone with them, or even eat wings in most places because they tend to have flour in the coating. ¬†Also my anxiety issues seem to be closing in on me and making social interaction harder than ever. ¬†Hence my being doubly self-doubtful now.


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