I’m probably just going through one of my panicky phases right now but I still feel like my relationship with The Dandy isn’t going particularly well. He still kisses me hello when I get home and periodically solicits hugs, but other than that I kind of feel like just a roommate. We haven’t had sex in a while, partly because I don’t want to (I’m not feeling particularly close with him, and the last time we fucked was just so disappointingly utilitarian). But I always panic when a partner and I aren’t fucking – it always feels like the beginning of the end – and I have been feeling a sort of generalized randiness lately, so I tried putting the moves on him a few different times. He didn’t bite. So now I’m thinking, wait, he doesn’t feel close enough to me to have sex, either? Why the fuck wouldn’t he feel close to me?! Blah blah paranoia blah.
I’ve tried to jumpstart some loving feelings. I made him food a few times recently and have taken to stocking up his daily pill box thingy regularly (he takes an ungodly amount of medications every day for his high blood pressure and heart problems and half the time couldn’t remember if he’d taken his daily dose yet. I feel like blood pressure medication is not a thing you want to accidentally take doubles of, and I told him he needs one of those compartmentalized days-of-the-week things. Turns out he has one, he just hasn’t been using it. So I’ve made it my job to fill it up every Sunday for the coming week).
But I’m still mostly not feeling the closeness I want to, in either direction. He doesn’t reach out and pull me closer in his sleep anymore. I’m not looking at him and feeling gobsmacked by how beautiful he is (because that beauty was, in part, the glow he had for me because love).
And it really sounds like he has a track record of trying hard to impress a partner and then letting everything go to shit once they’re emotionally invested, so I’m wondering if this is just…how things are now. My new and shiny has worn off and now I’m just this person living in his apartment.
I don’t want to have my time taken up by a dead relationship. I think a lot about moving out.
But, the thing is…the housing market is still totally fucked. I don’t think it’s financially feasible anymore for me to live alone. I’d have to go into a roommate situation, which would mean having to learn a whole new set of people with their weird expectations etc. The Dandy is pretty easygoing. Dandette is either easygoing or wracked with panic attacks, depending on the day, but when she’s having a bad brain day she keeps to herself and doesn’t expect me to do anything. I never have to worry about rent because The Dandy is easily capable of covering it all with his salary alone in the event that my finances go sideways – where else am I gonna find someone that rich who wants roommates and is okay with picking up their slack once in a while*? Dandette does the lion’s share of cooking and cleaning, which improves my life immeasurably. And The Dandy buys most of the food and pays the whole bill for internet and Netflix, which relieves me of considerable financial strain.
And we’re on a waiting list for a bigger place where I can have my own bedroom, which neatly eliminates a lot of minor-key irritation (and occasional major irritations) for The Dandy and I. We’d both finally be able to have privacy whenever we wanted it, and I’ll be able to cultivate other relationships much more easily because I’ll have a place we can go when we wanna fuck.
So I’m tentatively thinking of mentally reframing this thing with The Dandy as a domestic partnership type deal rather than a romantic relationship. The Dandy and Dandette and I can be a team, looking after each other and forming a good working household unit. I could see The Dandy’s cuddles and hugs as a nice bonus to our comfy roommate arrangement, rather than hoping for passion and finding the hugs to be a pale substitute. I can get passion elsewhere. Passion tends to be unstable, anyway; I’d be afraid of building a live-in relationship on it.
Incidentally, I talked to Dandette this morning and she confirms that with her, The Dandy was super excited and sucking up to win her favour in the beginning, moved her in almost immediately, and then quickly subsided into taking her almost completely for granted and ignoring her most nights in favour of the internet. So I figure his ignoring me all the time in favour of the internet lately isn’t a phase or a fluke, just the new order of things. So yeah. I need to adjust accordingly.
I guess my big fear is that if I stop thinking of The Dandy in a romantic way, I won’t be too interested in having sex with him anymore. The sex frankly wasn’t/isn’t good enough in and of itself to be particularly compelling to me; I need to want to feel close to The Dandy for it to be worthwhile. Or just ridiculously horny to a point where even “he’s gonna thrust mechanically into my vagina til he comes and then perfunctorily get me off without looking me whatsoever during any of this” sex would scratch my itch.
And if his apparent disinterest in sex turns out to just be a phase, and I’m turning him down all the time, he may sense that the relationship is not going particularly well, and break up with me – after which he might expect me to leave.. I mean, maybe he’d keep me here anyway. He did with Dandette. But Dandette is a lot more fragile and incapable of surviving on her than I am (at least it seems that way), and she adds more to the household.
*I recently learned that a local school that gives me a lot of work might be about to go under. I was angsting to The Dandy about this, and just generally raging at how the freelance nature of my job is so insecure and mutable, and he said “Well, look on the bright side: if it does happen, rent will be lower.” I was confused. “I…rent for what? What does this school closing have to do with anyone’s rent?” and it turned out that was his extremely weird and roundabout way of saying “Don’t worry, if your finances get yanked out from under you it’s okay for you to pay less rent here until you get back on your feet. I’ll cover you.”