I’d been wondering whether I should break up with TA, or try to reconfigure my expectations so that what we have is Romantic Relationship: Now With Zero Sex or Kink.
Blogging things out helped me get my head straight and I sent her a breakup text. I didn’t especially want to tell her all my reasons for ending things, because I believe that would open up a can of worms where she would either argue that I was wrong or try to negotiate some changes that would fix my stated issues, and I’m not interested in either of those things. So I just phrased it like “I’ve been doing some soul searching, trying to figure out if I can still consider this a romantic relationship without any sex or kink, and I have come to the conclusion that feeling desired is an integral part of a capital-R-Relationship, for me. So, although I still do have some romantic feelings for you, I need to categorize our interactions as something else for my own well-being.” And then – because possibly she’s been sad about this rift that arose between us since the play party, too, and I can’t assume that she’s ready to be friends the minute I snap my fingers, I invited her to let me know how she’s been if she feels like it, and to let me know if she wants to see some cute photos I’ve recently taken of Dickface The Kitten*. I figured I wouldn’t text her further unless she replied.
She did reply fairly quickly. She said that because she’s getting all her sexual and emotional needs met through various sources already and I’m not, she worries that there will be a power imbalance of sorts between us where I might end up depending on her to meet certain needs and feeling resentful if she doesn’t. She wants to meet in a neutral place like a restaurant and discuss what we might each like a friendship between us to look like and see if that would be viable. TBH my gut reaction to that idea is “uggggggggh,” but she probably does have a point about the imbalance thing so I’m gonna make myself do this fucking thing. I just wish we could’ve had a space of time where we were just texting friendly-like and not being all embroiled in interpersonal drama, as a palate cleanser of sorts. Just set aside all the breakuppy stuff and chill out for a while.
I guess we might have that, anyway, because she said her schedule is currently too full to suggest a day or time for the Big Talk and she’ll have to get back to me.
What I’m most afraid of with this talk is that I’ll end up blurting out something bitter about her compulsion to fuck strangers and we’ll end up having exactly the argument that my breakup spiel was carefully avoiding.
By the way, her answer to me asking how she’s been is “I’m living my best, sluttiest life!” (followed by some general non-sexual life stuff about how her thesis is going and whatever.) What an interesting choice, to make sure the person who just broke up with her because of the lack of sexual intimacy knows that she’s still happily fucking everyone else but them. Again I wonder if she’s on the spectrum. I mean I’m sure allistic people sometimes read a room badly and say something hurtful or inappropriate by mistake, but…
So yeah. She unthinkingly(?) rubbed it in my face that she’s out getting laid as much as possible, she wants to have a talk about how to proceed as friends but doesn’t know when she can see me next because her schedule is so packed (which more likely than not is because she’s pursuing random hookups and going to sex clubs, though she didn’t explicitly say that), and after we made some small talk and traded some photos of our cats she said she had to go because she was on her way to a guy’s house. Because of course.
I think I may have jumped clear of TA just in time. I have a horrible feeling that if I’d attempted to keep on dating her, it would only be a matter of time before she started cancelling our standing Monday date some weeks because it was the only time some dude she’d exchanged two messages with on FetLife was available to stick his dick in her and it was very, very important that she not miss that opportunity.
And then my heart would be even more broken than it is now.
*Dickface is like seven years old now, so not a kitten anymore, but that’s no reason to change her nickname. 😛