An open letter to TA

So…how long have you known that getting emotionally close with someone kills your interest in doing sex or kink with them?

Did you only just work this out?

Or did you know it all along?

Did you secretly know it as you heard me talk about how sex and kink are very much expressions of affection to me – and a huge way that I bond with someone – and therefore if a partner stops wanting those things with me I feel distant and unloved?

Did you secretly know it when I was telling you how I felt bait-and-switched by The Dandy, who did a really good impression of an allosexual person until I got invested in the relationship, whereupon he spent years rebuffing most of my advances and acting like my genitals were gross while simultaneously insisting that he had a massive sex drive and had no issues with my body parts?

Did you secretly know it when you were rejecting all my advances with “oh I’m just not in a very sexual headspace lately, blah blah blah work stress” (and then going to the sex club the next day and staying out til 2am getting railed by strangers)?

Did I ever tell you about my ex, The Bunny? I can’t remember. He spent a long time rejecting my advances with excuses like “work stress.” Then on the occasions when we did try to fuck he started having erection issues, which he also claimed were due to work stress or general life stuff or whatever. Until the day he blurted out that the impotence issues only happened with me and he was fucking other people just fine. And I ended up breaking up with him because his FetLife profile showed him going to kink parties and sex parties all the time and having tons of sex and play, and meanwhile he still didn’t ever want to do stuff with me and he claimed to be “working on” that issue but when I asked him how exactly he was working on it he never had an answer so I gave up on him. Anyway did I tell you about all of that? And if I did, did you listen sympathetically while secretly knowing that you were about to lose interest in sex and kink with me and blame it on work stress while also blatantly doing those things with everyone else in the world?

Oh, hey – did you know you were about to stop having sex with me ever again when you acknowledged that the sex we were having was one-sided and you expressed an intent to make me the centre of attention next time?

Does your newest girlfriend know that whatever sex or kink you’re having is temporary? Or does it not seem worth mentioning to the people who love you that you’re inevitably going to withdraw certain types of intimacy?

I’m just curious.

Oh also do you actually think I’m fucking stupid, that I would believe you weren’t doing stuff with me because you “weren’t in a sexy headspace at all lately” when half the time you’d been to a sex club the night before and had plans to go the night after as well, and always ended up texting me that you’d had a great time and fucked and played with a bunch of people?

And, are you fucking stupid, that you would straight up tell me that maybe if we played at a party you could finally get into it because it turns you on to be watched? It didn’t occur to you that it might be hurtful to imply that kink with me was bitter medicine that you might be able to choke down if you had a spoonful of sugar to go with it? And then your follow-up thing was basically “okay so having an audience wasn’t enough to make me be into playing with you, so let’s think of some other external thing that might make you palatable to me.” Just shut the fuck up. Jesus.

But then again I did still go to the play party. I didn’t tell you to fuck off the moment you framed it as “the presence of other people might make me want you again.” So I guess I’m the dumbass.

And like…no judgment on you wanting to fuck or play with strangers (seriously) but you’ve started seeming laser-focused on it lately to a point where I’m starting to wonder if you have sex addiction issues. Not that you would believe me or care. It’s honestly probably pointless to even try to tell you this to your face. But I am kinda worried.

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