Sad Too

TA didn’t answer my “if we decided to be in a D/s dynamic for a day could I demand sexual stuff as part of my authority, and if so, would you end up being turned on because you were being objectified and etc” question for a few days, so I prompted her via text.

She texted me a “placeholder” message that she had a lot to say and she was going to word it as nicely as possible but was still afraid I’d take it the wrong way.

The message that she eventually sent me had two basic components:

(1)

She has a mental block about fucking or playing with people she’s close to. Strangers are easy and fun to do stuff with and she sees it as an escape from her problems, but unfortunately she and I have entwined our lives to a point where my problems are her problems and therefore sex and play aren’t an escape anymore.

TBH this didn’t come as a surprise to me, particularly, because even before we met she told me that she was incapable of having sex in her home because it feels like a fetid clinical depression nest. She has a girlfriend she lives with and considers her soulmate and they haven’t fucked in years, in large part because home doesn’t feel like a place where fucking can happen. And it seemed like my place was starting to feel like home to her – she knows where things are kept, helps herself to things in the fridge, has “family dinners” with me and The Dandy, etc.

(2)

She has a mental block about doing sexual things to me/for me because she’s afraid she won’t be good at them.

That one caught me somewhat off-guard. Like it’s actually hilarious how alien and irrelevant the concept of her being bad in bed is to me. For years now I’ve become accustomed to having to get myself off during partnered sex (with rare exceptions) because my partners wouldn’t, and now my body has become more finicky and I’m not sure another human could get me off anyway no matter what they did. Also as far as I’m concerned the baseline for “good in bed” is “takes direction well and is enthusiastic” and TA is lovely in that capacity.

Like honestly when I imagined being dominant over TA in ways that encompassed sex, I pictured directing her to do stuff for me that I enjoyed and getting a lovely rush of power because she was obeying me. If I got off from whatever I was demanding of her then it would be a pleasant surprise, and if I didn’t I’d either finish the job myself or just forget about it for the time being. Historically, I was never an “oooh, play my body like a fiddle and learn to ascertain my body’s constantly changing whims until your magical, creative touch brings me to majestic peaks of ecstasy” person, I was a “do this repetitive motion for a few minutes and I’ll come” person. And lately I can’t seem to come from anything but lying on my stomach and humping my vibrator, which is not a thing another person can help with per se. So the idea that TA would have to have skills and finesse and whatever in order to get me off never occurred to me. Like just do what I’m asking and either my body will respond or it won’t, and if it doesn’t, that’s my body’s problem.

Also not all of my daydreams about being dominant even involved TA doing stuff to me. Lots of them revolved around me ordering her to let me do things to her. “Get on your hands and knees, I’m gonna put this dildo inside you and watch you squirm around on it” kind of thing.

Anyway.

TA is in the process of arranging for a group of people she knows – including me – to pool our money and rent a dungeon for a few hours: our own private play party. She put forth the idea ages ago, when our sexytimes were starting to grind to a halt but hadn’t entirely stopped yet. And after our little text discussion about sex and dominance, she confessed that she came up with the play party idea mainly so the two of us can play. Because she still wants me, she just doesn’t feel like she can do certain intimate things with me at my place. Or hers.* But if we’re elsewhere, it becomes an escape again, and also she’s a gigantic exhibitionist so having an audience will turn her on and get her rarin’ to go.

So I’m gonna go to this thing, because I miss playing with her.

But here’s the thing: I’m not an exhibitionist. I’ve played in public with people a time or two before because the play space had equipment that I don’t and I wanted to take advantage of that, but I had to kind of forcibly ignore the fact that there were people watching us, and the fact that we were in public made things feel more showy and less intimate to me.

Also TA has apparently gushed about my skills as a top to all and sundry (which, don’t get me wrong, so flattering and adorable), and this other woman she’s seeing who’s new to topping is excited to watch what I do and maybe learn some stuff(!). So now I’m feeling a bunch of performance anxiety. And I hate that the first time we play in aaaaages is going to be in front of a crowd of people in a place I’m not familiar with and can’t easily improvise in the way I can at home. And I hate that I probably won’t feel like we can do anything blatantly sexual together – even though the venue does allow it – because that feels way too private to me to be sharing with a roomful of people. Like even if I’m fully clothed and the sexual stuff only goes in the one direction, strangers would still be able to observe my style of doing things, and that’s painfully personal to me.

There’s also the fact that my sexual interest in someone eventually evaporates once I know I’m unwanted. It kind of has now with TA, since she explicitly said that she feels she can’t fuck or play with me anymore (unless we’re at some neutral location that is not where either of us live). I still think she’s beautiful and I still like seeing her naked (she’s kind of a nudist when she’s over) but her body no longer holds the potential for me to touch it in all the ways and elicit moans etc, and so for me our chemistry has kind of…died. And I guess I’ll be expected to resurrect it on command at the play party. I mean when I first expressed enthusiasm over the idea of a play party, I still held a spark of hope that one day I would in fact get to fuck my girlfriend again, so I wasn’t in this “gotta resurrect my dead sexual feelings for a night, I guess” predicament. But now things are feeling a bit odd.

What I really especially hate in all of this is that I have this big heteronormative mental block where I’ve never really believed that anyone but a guy could be into me (and now that I’ve started transitioning I’m kinda convinced that nobody could be into me…). I think that’s why I believed I was only into guys for so long – it’s an extension of that thing where I won’t let myself be sexually interested in someone who doesn’t want me back. And then TA and I somehow started dating, and I felt really tentative and still kind of disbelieving about it, but she told me she liked me and she clearly liked me doing sexual and sadistic stuff with her and I liked it too and suddenly it’s like the whole world opened up. Dating or fucking women and other non-man genders suddenly seemed possible to me, and that was amazing.

But now TA’s and my relationship is kind of officially sexless and it’s really hard not to think this is proof that I am fundamentally unfuckable to everyone but dudes (but also probably dudes at this point).

Also, just for the record, I fucking hate the feeling of yearning for someone who’s right next to me. I’ve already had entirely too much of that feeling with my ex husband and The Dandy. Feeling it again with TA is just…devastating. But as I said, my sexual feelings for her are starting to shut off.

I did debate breaking up with her, but I still have the romantic feelings, and I like the naked snuggles. And she’s made it clear that she loves me and hopes I’m in her life for a good long time. So I figure, why throw the baby out with the bathwater?

I sure do wish I had someone to fuck, though.

*TBH I reeeeeally wanted to suggest that she just…fuck or play with me at my place anyway. Because it seems like that would break the mental block, right? Just *do* it and realize that the chemistry is the same as it always was, and maybe that would break the curse. Just *do* it, and maybe the reactive desire would kick in once things were in motion. I genuinely believe that this could help, and that getting past her hangup about my apartment would benefit both of us, given that she claims to still desire me. But saying “hey what if – and I’m just spitballin’ here – you fuck me even though you don’t want to” would just sound like I was being a pushy asshole. Also I don’t think I could actually go through with it, if she didn’t start seeming responsive and happy very very early on.