Juuuust a bit more sadness

I’m still seeing that guy I mentioned a couple of posts ago, and the parallels between him and TA are sort of eerie.

Both of them initially approached me. Both were primarily interested in masochism (although TA obviously developed actual feelings for me later on). Both made it pretty clear early on that they were up for doing sexual stuff with me, but let me take the lead re: how much we actually did (or at least that’s how the new guy seems to be operating so far). Both of them recently started PrEP (medication that makes it harder for the body to contract AIDS if you’re exposed to it) because they like to go to sex clubs and bang a bunch of random dudes. Neither is particularly into kissing (TA will indulge me but the new guy has it as a hard no). If I’m being uncharitable, both seem like they’re willing to receive sexual attention but not so much to give it.* Both have called me attractive but I never catch them actually ogling me or anything so I feel like their attraction is based on something other than my appearance; possibly my topping skills, or for TA my personality in general. They’re both trans, and I think pretty “out” about it. They’re both multiracial. They’re both teachers for a living in some capacity. Like, what are the odds…?

I suppose the new boy needs a name. I’m just gonna call him Shirtless because he is comically anti-shirt. Like he goes without one every possible chance he gets.

So yeah. The first time Shirtless came over, I mostly just flogged him a bit. It was fun, but he’d told me biting was a hard limit and he wasn’t into kissing at all and boy did it quickly become clear to me how much of my topping goes to an orally fixated place. Like so many of the moves I wanted to make involved biting, and I had to keep stopping myself.

The second time, we branched out into punching. Also by that point we’d discussed some stuff and he said actually he would be okay with trying out a bit of biting to see how it felt, but it would probably take very little tooth-pressure to make him tap out. That suited me fine – I don’t need to bite someone hard, I just really really like the mouthfeel of flesh between my teeth.

Shirtless is really into feeling forced/overpowered. I can’t help wondering if it’s because he’s fairly new to pain play – I think a lot of noobs start out that way, because we’ve always been taught that hurting people is bad or mean or a punishment and so that’s how we contextualize our kinks. I was all about “forcing” people to do stuff, at first. I grew out of it later on; at some point I realized that I could just say to a masochist “hey c’mere so I can hit you” and they would, because we both liked it.

But yeah. Shirtless wants me to, like, order him to stand facing the wall so I can flog him and then he’ll say “no, fuck you” and I’ll have to “overpower” him and drag him to the wall by the hair or whatever. TBH it wasn’t clear to me at first that he was even talking about roleplay, but once we started, he was for sure not actually resisting me with all his strength. It’s all an elaborate ruuuuuse.

And it’s fun, up to a point. But two things bother me about this setup: 1) I find it exhausting to have to put on a bunch of bravado and “fight” to do the shit we both wanted to do anyway and 2) I think for me the big draw of SM play is seeing the raw, exposed version of someone that they usually keep hidden. Overwhelming them with sensation until they’re beyond caring what an onlooker would think and are just in the moment, grunting or moaning or crying or whatever happens to come out of them. And Shirtless seems to do the opposite – he seems to put on a persona as soon as play begins. He’s said that he wants me to beat him until he cries, and the last time we played he behaved like he was crying a bunch of times, but it was just his face scrunching up, no tears. It’s possible that this is just the closest he can get to crying (some dudes are like that) but I kinda doubt it.

So yeah. Last time he came over he contrived to taunt me and I contrived to be like “Oh yeah? Well I’ll show you!” blah blah blah violence whatever. And over the course of a few hours I punched him, bit him, paddled his ass, and made him show me his blowjob skills on one of my dildos (he loves sucking dick so much that he’ll do it to total strangers, so I assumed he must be good at it. I wanted to see. It was a fun view and he seems very dedicated to his craft). Play ebbed and flowed and we had conversations in-between. At one point I pinned him down and went to bite his inner thigh (he had stripped down to his boxer briefs pretty early on) and he was like “Argh no biting on the thighs” and even though we’d agreed ahead of time that I would ignore any kind of “no” from him and only stop if he said “red,” I automatically did stop. Which is good, because he was actually being serious. I think I must have noticed a change in tone from his usual “please don’t throw me into that briar patch!” schtick.

But yeah I went to bite his thigh and he said no and I pulled back immediately, without having actually bitten him yet, and since he had seemed alarmed and said no so vehemently I was worried that I might have hit a trauma trigger or something. But when I asked if he was okay, he said “yep, I’m fine, it’s okay, you didn’t know” and invited me to keep playing (but obvs in other, non-thigh-bitey ways). This, too, reminds me of TA – how she just unflappably holds her boundaries. And I was relieved to not have freaked Shirtless out, and honoured by the trust he placed in me.

Sometime later in the evening, after more biting and punching and whatnot, I surreptitiously noticed a visible wet spot on his boxer briefs. Uuuuurrrrgh so hot. After playtime wound down to a natural-feeling close, he took a Kleenex from the box by my bed and shoved it down his underwear to mop himself up.

On a side note, Shirtless straight-up uses words like “pussy” and “clit” for his anatomy and if he’s turned on he’ll refer to it as getting wet. And he says that having a penis seems like it would be cumbersome and he was never interested in it. He doesn’t want bottom surgery and he doesn’t pack. And I appreciate all of this so much. To be clear, I understand why a trans guy would want to use “cock” instead of “clit” for his anatomy; at one time I thought I would end up doing that, myself. Weirdly, going on T seems to have taken away a lot of bottom dysphoria for me, though, and I tentatively think I’m okay with my junk the way it is. And it feels validating to meet a trans dude who feels the same way. Like, it’s always nice to get proof that there’s no one right way to be trans.

Anyhoo. In previous text messages, Shirtless had said things in passing like “we can’t do anal stuff when I see you because I just started PrEP and it’s giving me diarrhea” or telling me it would be hot if I teased his clit during play, so clearly he was pretty fine with the idea of sexytimes happening between us in some capacity. And I’m not against this. But I’m shy and worried that I won’t know what to do. And actually maybe I do have some bottom dysphoria because my own clitoral erections have kinda freaked me out for a long time now, and I’m worried that I’ll feel squeamish about touching someone else’s. I did actually tentatively go to finger Shirtless through his underwear that night but sorta chickened out. Maybe next time.

Oh and as for what I said about him maybe being willing to accept sexual touch but not give it – maybe I’m totally wrong. I’m just thinking about how he didn’t actually touch me when we played aside from grabbing my wrists and stuff to “fight me off.” During ebbs in play when we were just lying on my bed talking, I would sometimes run my hand over his arm or chest (he’s so fucking hot, Jesus Christ) but he never did anything like that back. It was never like we were cuddling or anything. It was very much him staring at the ceiling while allowing me to caress him and that’s it. Although he did give me a goodbye hug at the end of both visits.

Between the lack of touch and the way he kind of insists that we do an elaborate roleplay of me “making” him do stuff, I’m feeling a bit like a service provider. I’m having fun, too, just…I think the feeling of service providing will eventually outweigh the fun unless something changes.

I gotta say, I’m kinda confused by Shirtless’ vibe in general. He clearly doesn’t think of us as dating (as evidenced by him telling me he doesn’t wanna make out with me, he saves that for people he’s dating) which, fair enough, we have pleasant chats but I’m not head-over-heels or anything so it’s reasonable to expect that he isn’t, either. On one of our visits he rolled his eyes and complained about how this guy he recently had a date with is practically stalking him. What constitutes “practically stalking”? The guy texted him the next day eager to see him again. Which…is not far off from how Shirtless acts with me? Maybe there’s some nuance to the nature of the text message that I’m missing. But Shirtless texts with me a bit almost every day. When he heard I’m on Instagram he immediately wanted me to add him. And his birthday is coming up and he asked if I wanted to help him celebrate by beating him (I did) and so he made plans to come over on the actual day. Not near his birthday. On it. To me these are all things that indicate that a person really must like me and want to make time for me, but on the other hand he’s explicitly said that he doesn’t think of me as a potential romantic partner really and he doesn’t touch me back particularly or even stare at me like he finds me physically attractive.

So I don’t get what’s happening here, but I guess I’ll ride it out for however long it lasts.

I’m kind of dying to have someone in my life who thinks I’m hot and is really really keen to kiss me and touch my junk though. It’s kinda fuckin’ ridiculous that I now have two people I see regularly who seem to be into me and yet don’t or won’t provide this (and had a three year relationship before that with someone who also would not provide any of it). Kissing and junk-touching used to be so incredibly standard in my dating life. Sometimes I was even fending dates off from kissing me or touching my junk because I didn’t know them well enough to feel ready for it yet. And when I rebuffed them they would try again five minutes later, that’s how eager and insistent they were. That was too much and I hated it, but it was a thing that happened. And now my experience of dating is so different that it feels like my memories of fending dudes off must be a wacky story I made up.

*I mean these days TA doesn’t want to receive, either, but…

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