The queer dating app I’m on lets people make posts about whatever (some people talk about what they’re looking for, some people just vent about random shit, it’s weird) and you can “love” these posts if you want or else click the person’s username to see their profile and/or send them a message.
Maybe a week ago or something, a trans dude posted about having been recently flogged for the first time and liking it a lot and hoping to find someone else to do that to him. I don’t really consider flogging part of my repertoire (I tried it once with a borrowed flogger and it was…okay, but took a lot of concentration to do well) but I was generally in favour of this boy with the HOT AS FUCK profile pic being hurt for funsies if that’s what he wanted, so I hit “love.”
And this was enough to make him write to me. 😀
All he said was “hi, I saw that you loved my post” and I parlayed that into a conversation as best I could. He didn’t ask me any questions about myself, which is a pet peeve for me, but he cheerfully and prolifically answered whatever I asked him.
And listen: I am backed up for sadistic play. TA has a busier work schedule this term than last, and comes over after work for an evening a week now instead of giving me a whole day. And she’s not in a headspace for play when she’s here.
Also I have considerable angst because I’m not used to dating a woman and it’s somehow ingrained in my brain that nobody but a man could actually be into me, and TA has the kind of “reactive” sexuality where she might start feeling like sex or play if someone else initiates, but she’s not likely to feel like it out of the blue and initiate for herself. But also it’s not like she’s gonna say yes every time someone else initiates. So like…the only way for sex or play to happen is for me to put myself out there and maybe be rebuffed. It’s hard.
This guy on the app is, well…a guy. Who messaged me first, on the flimsiest of pretexts. Plus he’s trans so in theory he’ll be fine with what my body looks like and respect my stated gender or lack thereof (I wouldn’t trust a cis dude to do those things).
So my pent-up horniness and yearning to be intimate with someone who smells like testosterone and/or has a stereotypically masculine sexuality got me being more bold than I normally am these days and I asked to meet him for a beverage (hoping real hard that he’s better at conversation in person than he is online).
A couple days later we met up and talked a while over hot chocolate. He still didn’t necessarily ask me a lot of stuff, but he listened if I volunteered anecdotes, and he was super pleasant and chatty and easy to talk to. And did I mention hot as fuck. I was open about finding him attractive and being willing to slap him around sometime if he was up for it. He slid his phone to me so I could put my number in it. And I think it was later that same day that he texted me telling me his work schedule so we could work out a time for him to come over for beatings.
Yesterday was supposed to be the day. I was a bit worried he was gonna be a runner, because he expressed anxiety a couple of times about maybe getting lost trying to find my place. But when I did the ritual “we still on for tonight?” text he did say yes.
Annnnnd then a couple hours later he begged off, saying a friend from out of town was unexpectedly around and wanted to have a drink, and he barely ever gets to see this guy so he really wanted to take advantage of the opportunity.
I’m scarred enough from all the flaky people I’ve had in my life that I immediately wondered if this guy was even telling me the truth, but whatever. He did reschedule for the next day and he did send me a few cheeky texts throughout the night about how he kept picturing me doing stuff to him.
It came up, though, that he doesn’t especially like kissing/making out. Which throws a pretty big dent into my plans. 😛 I asked him if it’s that he doesn’t like it in general or if he just doesn’t like to combine sexual stuff with BDSM stuff and he said “I guess I like to save kissing for someone I’m dating.” Okay then. Ouch.
But he is down to do blatantly sexual stuff. Which I have angst about because I have so little experience with vulvas. Also the idea of fucking someone without kissing them is…a little sad, to me? Plus I’m not sure my body knows how to orgasm with a partner anymore. Preliminary attempts with TA were…awkward, perhaps because I’m mid-transition and my relationship with my body is a bit weird, perhaps I was fresh off her telling me she’s not attracted to my genitals. I keep holding out hope that if I’m with a dude (or at least someone who seems like they really want to touch my junk), muscle memory from decades of fucking men will kick in and I’ll be able to come easily. But I don’t know. And I don’t want to end up feeling like a service provider, getting my partner off but not getting off myself.
This is all moot though because for all I know he did cancel last night out of anxiety and will end up cancelling again tonight. I texted him a “hope you’re having a good day! See you in a few hours?” a while ago and he hasn’t responded (but he’s at work and probably can’t be on his phone).
If he bails again I think I need to cut him off entirely. No three strikes rule. Two strikes is enough to make me kinda hate someone and not want to see them again.
hiding in plain sight 