I was planning on sitting The Dandy down for a big talk about orgasms and the giving thereof, sometime when we were calm and awake and had a good amount of time. I ended up just quickly touching on the subject last night while we were falling asleep.
I think it came about when I was recounting another part of Dandette’s and my sex convo from yesterday: I told her how submissive men often think that a dominant woman’s power stems from her not having any sort of sex drive, so she can keep a guy aroused and (therefore) obedient/stupid while haughtily laughing at him from on high. In other words, the porny stereotype is that dominant women don’t have any need for orgasms. Dandette said that a lot of dominant men seem to think that submissive women don’t need orgasms! I guess the idea is that a submissive woman is just a dick-receptacle and that fulfills her all on its own, just like I’ve joked previously that The Dandy and The Pedant seem to feel. I actually didn’t realize that this was a common attitude in dominant men, but it doesn’t surprise me.
And I was like “What an interesting coincidence that submissive and dominant women both just happen to never want orgasms. Why, it’s almost as though men are just looking for excuses to be lazy in bed!” and Dandette laughed.
So I told The Dandy about all that convo (making sure to add in some commentary on how ridiculous it is to think a kinky woman wouldn’t get turned on from enacting her kinks and want to get off, AHEM) and then on the spur of the moment I added something like “Oh, speaking of women and pleasure: I would really love it if you offered to get me off sometimes even if we didn’t already have sex. I mean, I’m almost always up for it, even if I haven’t initiated anything. And as I’m sure you’ve noticed, I really like touching you and tasting you and watching you come, so I’ll just…do that, sometimes, out of the blue. I want to feel like you enjoy doing that for me, too, and aren’t just doing it to be polite because I got you off first. …I mean, you do like making me come, don’t you?”
The Dandy smiled and nodded. I’m sure he knew that there was no other answer he could reasonably give if he wanted to get to sleep that night. But for whatever it’s worth I felt like there was no hesitation there. It may have been legit. And he has started to seem more into making me come, lately. He usually focuses enough that the Hitachi doesn’t wander onto my thigh, and he’ll keep going after I come just in case there’s more in the queue.
I’m having a bunch of thoughts and feelings, here, some of which conflict with each other, but here goes:
I wonder whether he’s not in fact lax about giving orgasms in general, but lax with Dandette only? I do kind of tell him to get me off every time we have sex, but perhaps if I didn’t, he still would? I dunno. I know that in the past she’s been critical of his topping skills and I think it’s made him all sexually flinchy and weird, so maybe he’s scared to try to get her off, just in case she says he didn’t do it right (even though he’s managed okay before…). I think the fear makes him overthink and get up in his head and that may be why he kept Hitachi-ing my leg and lower stomach in the early days; he may have been focusing so hard on keeping up the rhythm and motion I wanted that he completely forgot to compensate for drift. Or maybe it was a vicious cycle where he got bored because I was taking a while but I was taking a while because he kept drifting off my clit. Nowadays I’m getting pretty fast, with him. And I think he enjoys the idea that he’s making me all helpless n shit, too. (God, it would be terribly ironic if he doesn’t get Dandette off because she takes a while and/or is very restrained in her reactions (I don’t know if either thing is the case) and it’s boring for him. The other day I gave him a hand job and it ended up taking at least ten minutes and my wrist was fucking killing me and as usual he lay there the whole time like he was composing a grocery list in his head, until his actual orgasm, during which he breathed audibly a few times, and ejaculated, obviously, but that’s it).
If it does turn out that he’s into getting me off more than getting Dandette off, she and I are both probably going to figure that out, and that’ll be awkward. I think she’s mature enough not to blame me for it but still.
I wonder whether my talk with The Dandy will change anything? I somewhat suspect not. The Dandy reminds me of my ex husband, unfortunately, in that I can sit him down and earnestly tell him a thing I need from him and he’ll nod and smile but not do the thing. I wish he (and my ex) had just fucking told me outright “Yeah, I’m not gonna do that” so I could decide how much of a dealbreaker it was for me. But no.
And like, whenever people have relationship problems it seems like the biggest piece of advice is “talk it out!” like the assumption is that the person with the issue is staying completely silent or passive-aggressively hinting and basically expecting the other person to read their mind, and obviously if they’d just start a frank and open discussion, headway could be made. Well what if I fucking am frank and open and the other person makes a show of listening to my needs but then proceeds to ignore them? I did the magic thing that cures all ills – I had the talk – and it did not do anything. So now what? I never see advice columns etc address that. It’s always just “well, mention your concerns!” There might be a script for how to mention the concerns in a tactful way that’s more likely to open the lines of communication than put the other person on the defensive. But that’s the end of the advice; there’s no postscript of “…and if he won’t actually engage in a discussion with you, here’s how to handle that.”
Next time The Dandy tries to initiate sex by taking out his dick and waving it at me, I’m gonna take out my Hitachi and wave it at him and see what he does. Luckily, I am good at noticing body language and figuring out what people want that way, but The Dandy’s habitual lack of Using His Words just irritates the shit out of me and I’ve been making a point lately of ignoring his body language sometimes to see if he’ll break down and say what he wants. This morning I was petting his cock and he got hard. And stayed hard. And didn’t pre-emptively pull the blanket over himself to cover it/block me. I was enjoying his taste and texture for its own sake (and my wrist is still sore from the handjob the other day) so I opted not to proceed to, shall we say, goal-oriented touching. I would have, if he’d asked me for sex or an orgasm. But he didn’t. He just lay there either enjoying my touch for its own sake or silently waiting for me to cut to the chase, I’m not sure. Finally he had to get up and get ready for work so he jumped in the shower. I hope he didn’t jerk off in there. I want him to feel backed up all day. A little lesson in what it feels like to be turned on but not get to come. 😀