I had a five-hour nap and felt human enough after to talk to The Dandy a bit. I asked him what happened last night – that I’d said I needed to sleep alone but he did that thing where he kind of ignored what I said, so I figured he didn’t want to go. But then in the end he did go, so…? I mean I told him I needed the bed to myself in order to stay sane and it didn’t occur to him to leave? Had I been unclear? Did he think I wasn’t serious until I went to sleep on the floor?
He said no, he got that I wanted to sleep alone, but then I was crying and he felt I needed comfort.
I said yeah, I did, and I appreciated that, but then he…didn’t leave…so…?
The Dandy just stared at me in befuddled silence. He never did tell me why he didn’t let me cry myself out and then leave, nor did he explain why he didn’t use his words during any of this. I mean when this all happened last night he didn’t say “yes, I will sleep elsewhere” or “I really don’t want to give up my bed” or “you should sleep on the couch” or “would you like me to snuggle you and then I’ll go?” or “you seem to be enjoying this snuggling, should I stay?” or fucking anything. At all. TBH I often feel like he heard that stereotype about women just wanting to vent when they’re upset, not to get advice, and he took it way too much to heart and now his automatic reaction when I’m freaking out – even if I am literally saying “I can’t make decisions right now, tell me what to do” – is to nod and smile and hug me. After all, I have a vagina and that means nothing I’m saying means anything, I’m just saying random things to blow off steam, and if he tries to help or contribute in any way he’ll piss me off. Except that’s not how I work and I’ve told him this. And I have actually said to him, on numerous occasions, “I can’t choose between these two things because anxiety. Tell me which thing to do.” I don’t know how much clearer I can be than that. And he still just nodded and smiled.
But he did tell me, just now, that he wasn’t mad that I asked him to sleep elsewhere; he didn’t feel I was being presumptuous or anything. I was like “Okay well can you practice using human words so I know what’s going on with you because when I asked you to go, you did exactly the same thing awkward silence thing you do when I ask you to do something you don’t wanna do and you’re trying to avoid confrontation (yeah, I know you do that, you’re not actually fooling anyone) so I spent a big chunk of the night feeling like an asshole.”
Really, this links back to the thing I told him the other day about wanting to feel validated. It’s really easy for me to give up on advocating for myself; to think that if other people aren’t really doing what I need, it must be because they don’t think I actually need it. I told The Dandy that I would have an emotional breakdown if I had to share the bed and he just kind of looked at me and didn’t leave, so I felt like he wasn’t taking me seriously.
I should go tell him this now.