Moar good talking. I think.

Another cool thing that happened at Dandette’s parents’ place when she wasn’t around: I talked to The Dandy a little more about his aversion to giving oral. It felt like a pretty productive discussion (though his habit of silently listening and nodding could mean anything, I guess – my ex husband used to listen to me like that when I was talking about things I needed in the relationship and wasn’t getting, and he never did give me the things). But yeah, he tends to be afraid of being judged, I think, and shuts down, so I’m pleased to have coaxed him out of his shell a bit.

The part where he came out of his shell was when I got him to talk about his reluctance to get his face on a woman’s genitals. Like I know he had a bad experience with an ex who smelled terrible, but he’s okay with my smell, so…? He said he’s afraid to even try to give oral in case it went badly. I asked what “going badly” would entail. Good thing I asked because he didn’t mean being bad at it, like I thought – he meant he was afraid he’d get in there and immediately be sickened/repulsed.

(I managed to keep a pleasant face on so he didn’t feel judged, but inside I was thinking what the fuck?!? This whole thing reminded me of an ex of mine who’d never gone down on a woman. One day, he told me he’d like me to be his first in that regard – but he’d want to do it in the shower in case he threw up. Both that guy and The Dandy had had their fingers inside me before these conversations. They’d both had marathon sex sessions with me that left the whole room smelling like my vag. My smell and texture had not been issues for them. So why were they so convinced that one touch of their tongue to my genitals was going to be so violently disgusting that they’d recoil and/or barf? Is this a societal stigma thing – all the casually misogynistic jokes we’ve all heard about vulvas being putrid and fishy getting into their heads and overriding their goddamned common sense? Jeez.)

The part where The Dandy nodded and smiled and seemed (hopefully) to be listening and understanding me is when I told him, as gently and non-lecture-like as possible:

  • He’s been fine with my hygiene and smell generally; he’s said so. And if he ever isn’t, he can be like “Heyyyy how ’bout you shower before we have sex?” and I’ll cheerfully do so, no big deal. Nobody’s gonna force him to interact with icky smelly parts.
  • Cunnilingus is not usually – for me, anyway – about trying to burrow your tongue into someone’s vagina while their juices all run into your mouth. The clit is where the action is. Nothing’s oozing out of there.
  • I haven’t gotten off from oral in a long time, and don’t expect some marathon session. It’s not like the second a guy’s face is down there, he’s locked in for the next hour whether he likes it or not. But I like the intimacy of feeling that my partner knows and likes my whole body. My ex-husband barely ever kissed me anywhere below the mouth and in some ways our sex felt really…stilted and limited. Like he was avoiding vast swaths of my body. I’d like a partner who will at least give my genital region an affectionate smooch in passing.
  • …But for the record, the last time someone did manage to get me close to orgasm with his mouth, it was super simple and didn’t require any fancy techniques or anything (…and here I demonstrated on The Dandy’s knuckle how Mine would lick my clitoris, just straight vertical licks that started off soft and got firmer as I warmed up. Just in case The Dandy was also stymied by performance anxiety).

So…we’ll see what happens.

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