Dandette introduced me to a guy-friend of hers who is hot and poly and awesome. He’s also 22, really outgoing, and in three serious romantic relationships. So as much as he and I had some good banter when he was over, I figured he’s a busy, “polysaturated” guy who probably gets along with everyone and would not have fixated on our banter as anything special.
After we met he friended me on Facebook, but lots of people do that. I have people on my friends list I’ve only ever talked to once.
But then a few days later he asked me out for coffee. 😀
During coffee, he said that he finds both Dandette and I interesting and attractive but he doesn’t wanna jump into anything too quickly. He said he’s acted too fast before and screwed things up, and so he doesn’t do casual makeouts anymore and hangs back a while before engaging with anyone in a more “dating” type capacity. Fair enough.
He came over again yesterday for a movie marathon with us and we all snuggled on the couch (Dandette and I snuggled with him, I mean; The Dandy was at work). Which was lovely. But he kept kissing the tops of our heads (and my mouth, once, when I swiveled to look up at him; although he may have been aiming for my cheek) and even caressed me, including sliding his hand under my shirt a little ways. It felt a bit mixed-message-y to me, but I liked the kissing etc, so I just figured I’d roll with it, bearing in mind that it probably wouldn’t go any further. As much as they say “actions speak louder than words,” I think people’s words are important, and he had expressly said that he didn’t wanna start anything up with either of us. His body language said otherwise, but that doesn’t mean I should believe his body language over his words, it means his brain and body are in conflict and very likely his brain will freak out at some point and try to override what his body is doing.
And indeed, he phoned me today and apologized for sending mixed messages. He said he really does need to keep things platonic because he needs to reserve all his romantic/sexual energy for his established partners. He wants to keep on hanging out with me, and even the snuggling is okay, but we should reel it back to where we’re not practically making out.
I’m both disappointed and relieved. I mean on one hand, his initial story was that he wanted to take it slow, not that he didn’t want to engage romantically/sexually at all. I’d been hoping that the smoochy snuggling was just him moving a bit faster toward me being a FWB than he’d meant to. But now I’ve gotten a definite no and I’m sad I won’t get to kiss him. On the other hand, I hate ambiguous situations like this because I’m a person who likes to initiate and when someone has said that they don’t wanna get physical with me but then kind of seems like actually they do want to, I can’t initiate without looking like an asshole. And sitting there being clit-teased all night but afraid to respond too openly just kinda sucks.
And he was quite clear that he likes me and thinks I’m amazing and that we’ll still hang out and he’ll introduce me to his partners and friends and generally keep me in his life. So that’s cool. This boy is awesome enough that I’d hang out with him even without potential for sex. I’ll still feel that pull toward him, but I can ignore it. It might even fade with time.
I feel worse for Dandette ’cause he had this conversation with her today, too, and before that he’d been outright sexting with her. I mean just this morning she told me “I think we might be in a D/s relationship now.” And this afternoon I guess they talked and he was like “Sorry, nope.” He was never that blatantly sexual with me, so I didn’t have my hopes up.