Meh

The Dandy has a habit of “asking” for sexual stuff by, like, pointedly showing me his erection and just kind of waiting. This pisses me the fuck off and I’m not entirely sure why. Normally I’m good with subtle body language cues; I don’t need everything to be expressed directly and verbally. Maybe the issue is that this isn’t actually all that subtle. It seems very expectant, like he just assumes I’ll automatically see his dick and get down to business. The seeming expectation that I’ll do stuff weighs on me and makes me feel like if I ignore his hint he’ll experience it as a profound rejection, but I also feel like I can’t say “sorry, I can’t, I need to get ready for work” or whatever because he didn’t actually ask me for sexytimes. It’s that plausible deniability thing, I guess, making it difficult for me to say no.

Also I’m irritated because there’s no equivalent “hint” for me. I don’t get erections so I can’t be make a hand gesture like “HEY LOOK I’M PHYSICALLY AROUSED, WHAT’RE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT?” the way he can. I have to use my words. And so I do, but he has a hard time saying no to me so more often than not he’ll just kinda chuckle and then not make any move to do stuff to/for/with me and I feel a little bit crazy, like “Did he not hear me? Did I only think I said ‘I wanna fuck you’ when actually I only thought it? WTF?”

A couple of mornings ago we woke up and he kind of ostentatiously flipped his morning wood out from under the blanket and wagged it back and forth. I was really sore from my recent sex with The Pedant and a bunch of strenuous modelling work, plus not sleeping well enough to heal from any of it, but I did want to watch The Dandy come. In the past I’ve gotten sucked into The Dandy’s expectation that “heeeere’s my hard-on!” would be an irresistible call to action for me, and I’d do stuff even though I wasn’t in the mood. This time, though, when The Dandy was done waggling his cock at me I took his hand and put it back on there again. I figured he either wouldn’t get the hint or would get it but be shy about masturbating in front of me, but no, he actually did jerk off.

It was fun to watch and I’m pleased with myself for upholding my boundaries.

Okay, I think I’ve pinpointed the real source of my irritation now. It’s about his lack of communication in general. He won’t use his words to ask for sex; if I ask for sex and he’s not into it, he won’t use his words to say no; it feels like I’m doing entirely too much guessing and second-guessing with him, like he’s making me do all the work. I don’t like it.

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