Panic bells

The Dandy and Dandette got it on tonight while I was home – a first for me. I’d actually fucked him earlier today (and had him get me off twice) and was quite sated. It’s not like Dandette was taking something I wanted. And I want her to be happy and I know she loves me and I know The Dandy loves me, too. But it still felt weird as shit, I guess because society has programmed me to believe that things like this shouldn’t happen; that it’s cheating and I should be upset; that it means he must love her and not me.

I put on some music and cleaned the kitchen and tried to just ride the feelings out. Eventually Dandette came out – having drained The Dandy of his life force and left him asleep in her bed – and we hung out and talked just like normal and my panicky feelings subsided. Since I’ve been poly there have been a LOT of little moments like this, where I’m insecure or panicky for no logical reason so I just ride it out and eventually the feelings go away.

What I’m afraid of in this current arrangement, though, is that I’ll agree to certain poly-type stuff, assuming that any icky feelings I have about it aren’t valid and I need to do my riding-it-out thing – but then I’ll realize later that NOPE, do not want, I’m upset for actual reasons and it’s not gonna go away. And then there will have to be a big awkward talk.

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