Ah. There it is.

I figured my overwhelmingly huge fear of commitment would rear its ugly head sooner or later, and here it is. Maybe it’s here because I’ve mostly moved all my stuff over, so the where-will-I-live stress and the moving stress have dissipated and I finally have time to feel my feelings. Maybe it’s here because the wonderful FL boy is gone and I crave more sexy adventures but I share a bedroom with The Dandy here and this puts serious restrictions on what I can do. Maybe it’s here because my asshole brain doesn’t ever let me enjoy anything for long. But yeah.

Or maybe I’m feeling panicky and trapped because of a convo The Dandy and I had last night. We were lying around after sex and I reminded him how the first time I said I loved him, he wasn’t able to say it back, and I asked him if he could tell me what had been going on in his head then (it’s an old therapist’s trick to avoid asking someone “why” – that sounds like demanding someone defend their actions/choices/whatever, and can seem hostile and make the other person clam up. So that’s why I worded my question like I did. It’s hard as hell to not just use that word, though. It’s not a habit for me yet). He said that it was hard for him to say because he’d said it to people in the past and things had gone badly. I asked in what way and he shrugged and said “divorce?” Ah, so he wasn’t meaning immediate bad things happening after dropping an L-bomb, he meant that it sucks to say I love you to someone and then eventually have it not be true anymore.

I said that I, too, am cynical and feel like possibly all relationships are doomed to end. But I don’t want my fear to keep me from enjoying the fun beginning part, so I jump on in. Fuck it. But I also told him that my fears manifest themselves in other ways – namely, my brain or emotions will function with a guy, but not both. I can either be totally turned on and have great sex but feel numb inside, or definitely feel like I’m falling in love but my libido and orgasms are all messed up. It’s my brain’s way of keeping a little distance until I trust the guy enough to know he won’t ghost.

“Well, you’re stuck with me now,” The Dandy said, smiling (I think what he meant was we’re definitely past the point where he’ll ghost on me).  I smiled back but OMG IT’S TRUE I’M STUCK WITH HIM. The housing market is shitty and I have a freelance job that looks sketchy on apartment applications so I have nowhere else to go.

I feel comfortable with The Dandy, and I love him, but I’m not in love. In many ways this makes shacking up with him less scary because I have less to lose if things fuck up. At the same time, though, my being in a live-in relationship will scare off a lot of dudes and my not having my own bedroom will scare off most of the rest, so my dating pool just got a whole lot smaller. And I do want to one day have a boy or two that I’m in love with, dammit.

And the sex. Earlier last night I said to The Dandy that it’s a shame he has no erogenous zones other than his penis (he’s explicitly told me this). Then I mused out loud that maybe he has some but doesn’t know it because nobody had ever gone looking. The Dandy agreed that this was certainly plausible. So I went looking. Not too thoroughly, yet; just the common places (nipples, neck, ears, taint) but yeah: nothing. Or, well, it seemed like nipple stuff got a reaction but then he made me stop for whatever reason and I think it’d be douchey to insist that he liked it and should let me continue*.

My other idea was to keep on teasing him all night and see if that culminated in a stronger orgasm once we actually had sex, but when we threw on some Futurama and I intermittently stroked his cock, he didn’t get hard. And then I realized: that’s a pattern with him. His erections seem not to be a response to stimulation but a response to knowing we’re gonna have sex. If he’s in the mood for sex, he’ll get hard. If I’m touching him and he thinks it’s a preamble to sex, he’ll get hard. If he knows I’m just touching him for fun and I’ll probably stop any minute, though…nothin’.

Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy having sex with him. I have almost a fetish for a specific type of cock, and he has it; he can stay hard even when I’m using the Hitachi between us and just grinding up on him instead of thrusting; the physical intimacy makes me feel close to him. But there’s no nuance there, just mechanics. I can’t do anything to tease him or get him more turned on. He’s not one for dirty talk. Basically, I don’t feel like any of my sexual skills particularly have value with him. He’s just like “Oh, will we be having sex?” *sproing*thrust*thrust*splooge*. I asked him the other day what he considers “good in bed” where a woman is concerned. His answer was basically “She’s attractive to me, she lets me put my penis in her vagina, and she moves/reacts a little instead of just lying there like a dead fish.”

So this is the partner I ended up living with. This is my main source of sex. So utilitarian. Gahhhh.

Oh but here’s a terrifying thing: The Dandy is a dom/sadist and it turns out his main thing is needle play – which Dandette is into**. A few months back when they were fucking again, they did some of that sort of play. I assumed this meant, y’know, doing that thing where you stick needles through a pinch of someone’s arm- or back-skin. Nope – The Dandy pushed needles entirely through Dandette’s nipples and labia. And if I mention anything about needle stuff he lights up in a way that he never, ever has for any sexual thing with me. And I’m happy for them and everything but I also feel like I may eventually be totally eclipsed by Dandette sexually and that’ll suck. I hope that if it happens, it’s not until we get into a bigger place where I have my own room. That way I can easily pursue my kinky fantasies, too.

*******

I actually started this entry like three days ago but didn’t have a chance to finish. I resumed writing it today as though it were a seamless continuation but actually time has passed and I do feel a bit better now. None of the above concerns have gone away or anything; I just don’t feel as trapped by them.

I think maybe my little emotional shitstorm was mostly me coming down from the delightful visit from the FL boy – going from all that attention and submission and pain play to, y’know….not. I bottomed out a little. I’m starting to level out now.

 

*I’ve had it happen before, though, that a partner was freaked out by a sensation because it was new and uncomfortably asked me to stop…but somehow, later on, the act became something they loved. So it’s a thing.

**I fucking asked him before what he likes as a dom/sadist, hoping I could find some area where I could meet him halfway; I was the only one seeing The Dandy at that point, and I wanted to make sure he was fulfilled. He kept on saying he didn’t know. Later it came out that he and Dandette had been doing needle play a few months back when they had quasi-rekindled their relationship and that he had enjoyed it a bunch. He said a lot of his porn stash is needle stuff. I was like “I asked you what you liked and you said you didn’t know!!!!! WTF?!?!?” He said he feels conflicted about being into hurting people so it felt too weird to tell me. I PUNCH BOYS FOR FUN. HE KNOWS THIS. Where’s the trust?

 

1 Comment

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One response to “Ah. There it is.

  1. Isla Sinclair

    I can either be totally turned on and have great sex but feel numb inside, or definitely feel like I’m falling in love but my libido and orgasms are all messed up. It’s my brain’s way of keeping a little distance until I trust the guy enough to know he won’t ghost.

    Oh, this is…not unfamiliar. Hmmmmmmmmmm.

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