…And Then Things Got Weird.

So, I tried to make a couple of posts on my phone before and they DIDN’T WORK – it seemed as though they’d posted, but only the title actually showed up. I think one of those disappearing posts is where I said that Dandette and I are getting closer and we’ve both said that we want the three of us to be a family, with communal dinners and movie nights and stuff. She and I have been joking about the three of us being a cult. We’ve named ourselves the Laser Cat Cult and we’re theoretically gonna make everyone robes out of fabric with a print of cats shooting lasers out of their eyes.

Dandette came along with The Dandy and I to do some cleaning and packing of my old apartment. Being there stresses me out unbelievably much now. The neighbours got into a screaming fight while we were there and I had a panic attack and started to cry. BOTH of them hugged and comforted me. A few times since then (not even while I was in the apartment; sometimes just talking about going back there to pack would set me off) the two of them sandwiched me and petted my head while Dandette told me not to worry, they have my back, we’ll get through this. She has said a few times now that she’s happy to have me here and really, REALLY glad I’m not in the horrible apartment anymore.

It feels really weird to look back at the crazy shit that happened with Dandette vs how things are now, but her affection feels sincere. Maybe it’s really just that her medication tamped down some of her anxiety and now I get to see who she is underneath: compassionate and empathetic and sweet.

Being petted by two people at once is THE BEST, btw. Even if I’m only sexually attracted to one of them.

The other night we watched some Stranger Things together on Netflix – Dandette and I have seen it but The Dandy hasn’t so we wanted to indoctrinate him. He sat between us on the couch and put both his arms out and we each cuddled into him. I was slightly disconcerted by this but decided to just roll with it (and The Dandy clearly felt the king of the world having two women doting on him, which simultaneously pleased and irritated me…). The Dandy had reassured me just recently that he considers Dandette family, with no sexual attraction to her whatsoever. And she has referred to him as a brother. Their relationship seems a little…ambiguous to me, but meh, whatever. Minx and I have cuddlepets when we hang out so I’m not one to talk.

Today, Dandette enlisted her bf to help us pack and clean my place some more. The two of them were AMAZING and I think I’m basically all packed up. Her bf is really cool.

Then she and I went home and were hanging out talking (The Dandy was still at work). We got to talking about The Dandy and his foibles and she mentioned that he seems to be doing things for me that she always wanted in their relationship but he never did them for her. I was like “Shit, yeah…in my experience a LOT of guys will ignore what you want over and over and only finally take it seriously when you break up with them over it…so then they finally smarten up and the next person gets the nice things. I have a feeling you’ll be seeing a lot of that with The Dandy and I, and I totally get that it’s really weird and shitty. I’m sorry.”

She then divulged that, when The Dandy and I began dating the second time around, she and he had been kinda-sorta getting back together but then he broke it off with her. He didn’t break up with her in order to be with me, per se. Apparently she had her mental breakdown a while back he told her she was “too crazy” for him to deal with and that’s why he broke it off. She pointed out to him that I have anxiety and depression, too, but he said that I handle it way better. Apparently he went on and on about how awesome I am. My god, that must have been awful to hear.

I told her I had no idea the two of them had ever gotten back together and wow, it must have been SO rough to have him break things off like that and then be dating me, especially when I’m so much like her in so many ways.

And Dandette froze and said “Wait. YOU DIDN’T KNOW ABOUT US?!?!?”

I confirmed that I’d had no idea. The Dandy had only ever said that he’d “slipped up” and fucked her a few times shortly after they broke up, but then things settled into a sexless, domestic friend-type arrangement.

Dandette started to have kind of a panic attack thing, saying she felt horrible for me finding out this way; she thought I knew. She said The Dandy had kind of bragged to her that fucking us both was making his sex drive spike. She said she asked him “Does Cowgirl know about us?” and he said he was “pretty sure” I did (“Pretty sure”?! That fucking asshole…). She started self-flagellating for causing trouble between The Dandy and I by accidentally letting this whole thing slip. I firmly reassured her that no, this is ENTIRELY The Dandy’s fault. He fucking LIED to me. That’s on him. I snuggled Dandette and got her calmed down and we talked some more and agreed that The Dandy had not comported himself well with us. Like, at all. I was horrified that he’d outright lied to me. She was horrified to be the dirty little secret.

Then we heard his key in the lock and agreed to glare at him in unison from the couch when he opened the door, which we did.

Dandette tends not to be very good at asserting herself – perhaps especially with The Dandy – but I am. He walked in, saw our faces, and asked what was up. Dandette said something along the lines of “So apparently Cowgirl didn’t KNOW we were fucking during the time you were together.”

The Dandy looked confused. He sat down and mulled this over and I swear he tilted his head from side to side like a dog who doesn’t quite understand what’s going on. We waited for him to say something. I suddenly wondered whether Dandette could have been lying in order to mess with me. I really didn’t feel like she was, at all. But The Dandy seemed so taken aback, like he had no idea what she was talking about. What he finally said (I think; it’s getting blurry) was something about how he was pretty sure there wasn’t overlap between us.

Dandette said no, there was, he had actually kind of bragged to her about how he was fucking both of us at once.

I said that he had outright lied to me; he’d said that they were only friends, nothing else going on, and that was bullshit.

The Dandy (predictably) kept on sitting there silently and looking confused.

It’s sort of hard for me to remember the sequence of events but here are some highlights:

– I told him again, in no uncertain terms, that him lying to me was unacceptable. I am MOVING IN WITH THEM and he failed to give me important information that would have let me make an informed decision. Like, what if I wouldn’t have wanted to move here, knowing that the two of them had been dating again just a few months ago? I mean, I probably would have been upset but then processed it and been fine, but he didn’t even give me that chance.

– I asked him repeatedly what his thought process was in lying to me (did he think Dandette and I wouldn’t talk and I’d never find out? WTF). Eventually he said he guessed he’d wanted to avoid awkwardness. Dandette, by that time, had moved further away from him to the dining room table, almost in tears because she was convinced that he’d kept her a secret because he was embarrassed by her. I was still on the couch, directly across from The Dandy’s chair, seething and fixing him with the same cold, dead stare that Minx once said reminded her of Dexter (the serial killer from the eponymous tv show). “Well, thank god you avoided the AWKWARDNESS,” I said. “Isn’t this nice, right now, how not-awkward it is in here? WHEEEEE!”

– I pointed out that when I fucked The Pedant, I told The Dandy about it right away, even though I wasn’t sure how he’d handle it. I said that I’m not into doing poly with a bunch of rules – I don’t want veto power, I’m generally pretty easygoing – but the one rule I have is transparency, and The Dandy violated that. How can I know he won’t do it again? How trustworthy IS he, really?

– At one point he started to protest, again, that he was pretty sure there wasn’t any overlap between Dandette and I, sex-wise. “NO,” I snapped. “FOCUS. I don’t give a shit about any of that. What I give a shit about is that you lied to me.”

– Dandette told him that she’d straight-up asked him if I knew about the two of them and he’d said “I’m pretty sure.” I interjected “‘Pretty sure’? Guess what? If you’d opened your face-hole and said ‘Dandette and I have been fucking,’ then you would have been ACTUALLY sure.”

– Through most of this he had been silent/passive/awkward/confused, and had not offered an apology, so I told him to give me one. He sat there ruminating for another minute or so and then finally said “I’m sorry.” I coldly thanked him.

– At another point, after raging at him for a while, I prompted “What have we learned…?” in a sharp, schoolmarm voice. He thought about it and said “I should have trusted you with the truth.” “There you go,” I said, like someone at the limit of her patience trying to encourage a particularly slow child.

Not gonna lie, I was kind of enjoying unnerving The Dandy. I mean I’d rather he was able to have a proper conversation about it all, but if he’s gonna just sit there like a passive idiot, I’m gonna have some fun with it.

Although The Dandy apologized when asked, he never did seem to understand what he’d done wrong. He just didn’t appear to GET it. And that is infuriating. Once I’d ranted at him to my satisfaction I said “Okay, so how do we proceed? Dandette, what do you need in order to feel safe and comfortable here?”

Dandette said she didn’t know, and started to get weepy. I suggested brightly that we take a walk – she’d told me before that there were some ravines and parks near the building, so maybe she could show me. I figured she’d feel better if she got away from The Dandy for a bit and also that going outside would help. Stuff like that helps me when I’m anxious.

Hallelujah, it worked. The crying went away quickly and she returned to her normal, talkative self. We talked about The Dandy a bit, and just about random things like how nice and peaceful the ravine was or craft projects we wanted to do together one dcay. And I told her that I’m frankly scared to death that The Dandy will eventually dump me for my anxiety (since that seems to be a pattern in my relationships – people want to save me, at first, but then get tired of my mental crap and can’t handle it anymore). Him apparently breaking things off with her for being “too crazy” doesn’t really help me with that fear. Dandette said that she’ll help me when I’m not doing well, and that way The Dandy won’t be taking the entire weight, and I could help her, too, and we’d get through things. She said if I’m still mad at The Dandy tonight I can sleep in her bed with her.

Dandette made dinner once we got home. We ate around the table together as always, and nobody brought up our fight. I did later, though, when Dandette wasn’t around. I told The Dandy that Dandette had said they were actually rekindling their relationship. He was surprised and said no, from his perspective they’d just been fucking.

I pointed out how very, very stupid it was of him to start up with her again. I mean, he starts dating me, she’s jealous, I have a bunch of talks with him about establishing boundaries (like not being casually naked around her ffs) in order to sort of reinforce the fact that they were BROKEN UP, because on some level she didn’t seem to know that (and I kind of don’t blame her; sounds like everything about their relationship remained the same after the breakup except they stopped having sex). And then her jealousy exploded so hard that I had to bail on the relationship, so The Dandy…decided to start fucking Dandette again. So much for boundaries.

He said it was “more complicated than that” – that he was lonely and felt like he had no other options (he knew it was Dandette’s jealousy issues that drove me away but he decided to GET INVOLVED WITH HER AGAIN instead of imposing boundaries so she’d maybe get over him and he could move on. He is seriously so fucking stupid I could punch him in the face) and she was horny and really wanted sex. That…doesn’t actually sound complicated to me, but okay.

“So I guess you surmounted the complete lack of sexual attraction you feel for her,” I said, pointedly. He had told me literally two days ago that he considers her family and has no sexual feelings for her at all.

“Enough to get it up,” The Dandy said.


I asked him what his deal is with her. Does he want to be having sex with her, or not? I said I kind of didn’t even care which*, at this point, I just wanted to feel like he was being honest.
He said he never should have started up with her again. I think I said something along the lines of “No kidding. You KNOW she’s kind of fragile. You KNOW she kinda wants to be dating you again. AND YOU LIVE TOGETHER. Of course having sex with her is gonna feel like you’re back together again. And there’s huge potential for it to make your living situation all weird.”

The Dandy sat there looking befuddled and saying nothing, as he does.

“Look,” I said. “I’ve been getting to know Dandette a lot better lately. I like her. DON’T FUCK WITH HER HEAD. Pick a side of the fence and STAY THERE.”

The Dandy remained silent, perhaps with a tinge of anger. He went off and fed the cats. That was actually like ten minutes ago and now he’s, I dunno, puttering around in the living room or something as I type this. Maybe he’s planning to sleep on the couch. He definitely knows I’m pissed off.

*At this point I think I could handle him fucking her. It would be incredibly weird at first but I think I could deal with it and have it become normal and okay for me. And it would be a relief for those feelings to be out in the open! She’s not exactly blameless here, either; not long ago she referred to him as her brother, but since I began spending more time here/moving my stuff in, she’s made constant references to how weird it is for him not to be naked in public areas of the apartment anymore. He took a bubble bath the other day and she stood outside the bathroom door and said “Well, I guess I’m not allowed to come in and give your penis a bubble-hat anymore.” And I’m thinking “I don’t have siblings but I…think this is not what you do with your brother…?” After his bath I quietly asked him if the two of them really did hang around naked all the time the way Dandette implies. He said she was exaggerating. I asked what their deal is and that was when he said he loves her like family but has no sexual feelings toward her whatsoever. So both of them were saying the other was nonsexual “family” but there’s such an undercurrent of…flirting, or something. And indeed, their last bout of “relapse fucking” ended just three months ago. I don’t like when people’s words and actions don’t match. It distresses me. I think it might kind of be a relief if they just started having sex again, if The Dandy wants to. He seems to be back to thinking it’s a bad idea, though.


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5 responses to “…And Then Things Got Weird.

  1. play

    So, he walked all over the one clear poly boundary you have and the consequences are …. what exactly? Getting a good scolding? I mean, for some people being scolded is basically torture, but somehow this reads as if he is getting away with it with very little consequences.

    And does not even seem to understand enough of what he did and why it sucked for you to be sure he won’t do similar things again. And prizes “avoiding awkwardness” above honesty.

    I am not sure I could get wet enough for fucking such a guy again. And I am being entirely literal here. Like, I would not be sure how to relax/trust enough to have fun with a penis attached to such a person. Especially if the apology felt lukewarm.

    Oh, and did he apologize to Dandette? Not your hill to die on or anything, but also seems in order. Feeling like you have been treated like a dirty little secret without having been aware of it is one hell of a shitty feeling.

    Informed consent is not possible without honesty. You cannot consent to things or reationship constellations that you don’t know about. ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU ARE BEING LIED TO.

    • I think by “awkwardness” he meant “I was afraid you’d break up with me if you knew and Dandette would stop fucking me if she realized you didn’t know.”

      I also don’t know how I’ll ever have sex with him again, because yeah, trust. Buttttt I need a place to live so I’m somewhat at an impasse.

      There’s reason to believe that a three-bedroom is about to become available in our building. And The Dandy has a proven track record of not being able to kick someone out of his apartment. So, tentatively thinking we move to an apt where I have my own room and then I break up with him.

      • play

        That is kinda what I thought he meant by “awkwardness”…

        Anyway, this is moving to a place of high comedy at an impressive speed and as long as you are cool with that, or at least sorta okayish better than the alternative or whatever I have the luxury of leaning back & getting out the popcorn.

        You’re awesome and I am rooting for you however that turns out.

        And I am very grateful for your writing, and how it allows me to kinda accumulate more relationship experience second hand from somebody who is in various ways in situations that are close enough to mine to be relatable (I have the impression that most relationship advice is really written with only rich people in mind aka those of “decent” incomes or whatever, which, well, makes it not that useful to me).

        • Isla Sinclair

          I am very grateful for your writing, and how it allows me to kinda accumulate more relationship experience second hand

          A major reason why I read this blog! (Another being catching up on a friend’s life. And yet another being that you tell the story so well.)

          I hope you guys are all in a good place now. And for some reason I can’t help but imagine Dandette as Daniela from Sense8…something about the “we aren’t dating but she’s living with us” deal. Hah.

  2. Pingback: Ugh | hiding in plain sight

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