Also

I feel like The Dandy has become a bit too perfunctory in the way he touches me – I mean when we were first dating (which was only five months ago, for pete’s sake) he once spent like ten minutes just stroking my inner elbows, fascinated by the sounds and squirms he could draw forth from me. And when we were doing naked stuff he would regularly put a finger or two inside me and do g-spot stuff, even if he knew it wasn’t really gonna lead anywhere. As long as I was having fun, he’d continue.

But for a while now it’s felt like petting me is an absent-minded thing he does while we watch Netflix (which is totally fine) or a quick “blah blah blah whatever can we have sex now?” strictly utilitarian foreplay thing (which is not fine).

It’s not even like I need him to pet me for that much longer than he’s been doing, in order to get in the mood for cock. I just want him to focus. I want to feel as though he’s paying attention to what he’s doing, noticing the spots that make me moan hardest and doubling back to touch them again, that sort of thing. As it stands he just doesn’t seem to be paying attention at all; he’ll run his fingers up and down my back, but not as lightly as I’d prefer and he’ll just keep on going monotonously up and down even though there are places along the way that make me react extra-hard.

So few men get mesmerized by petting me and I honestly can’t understand why. They’re touching an attractive naked woman and eliciting all manner of sounds from her. When I can make a partner vocalize and writhe, it’s fascinating to me. I’ll linger and see how long I can draw it out. For me I think it plugs into my dominance: I’m becoming an expert in my partner’s body and making it so I can play him like an instrument and get any reaction I want. That guy I had two dates with recently and then he bailed on me was  submissive, so I’d imagine for him it was more of an act of service, but he was completely into petting me. Like, dude was exactly like me in that respect. The Dandy, conversely, identifies as dominant, and initially he seemed to be the kind of dominant who thrives on provoking reactions and giving pleasure, but now…

I wonder if this is just the laziness that often comes from being in an established relationship or if he’s beginning to resent how much I’m leaning on him (what with him taking care of my cats and me staying there fairly often, kind of more to escape the neighbours and be with the kitties than to see him…) and it’s coming through in the sex? Like do I talk to him about this and tell him I’d like him to be more…detail oriented in bed? Or do I assert my independence and autonomy in some way just to make really damn sure he’s not accidentally thinking of me as a child or convalescent that he’s taking care of?

Annnnnyway, the actual thing I wanted to say with this post is that The Dandy and I had amazing sex the other day and I really needed that. It’s been feeling like our mojo is a little off.

Granted, the amazingness of the sex was pretty much just due to me using my Hitachi during it – all The Dandy did was stay hard (which is still noteworthy as many men can’t seem to maintain an erection if I’m grinding rather than thrusting). He wasn’t actively doing anything much, or having a better technique than usual, or anything. I was riding him and then I added the HItachi to the mix so that I was basically just humping the vibrator while The Dandy lay there with his dick in me. But that combination of things makes me come spectacularly hard and feels really intimate to me. So yeah. I came crazy hard to a point where the violence rose up in me and I shook and growled and clenched. And once I’d recovered slightly, I set the Hitachi aside and kept riding The Dandy – thrusting up and down this time – and it only took him a minute or two more to come, so between that and the fact that he stayed hard all through my Hitachi-ing, I think me getting off that way turns him on. Yay. 🙂

Having said that…I don’t know whether he and I can really last. It still bugs the shit out of me that Dandette lives with him and he’s paying for all her shit. It bugs me that he has boundary issues. I’ve noticed that he can’t say “no” to me; he’ll ignore a request or giggle awkwardly at it, but he won’t actually use his words and say no. And he’s got a saviour complex and yet at the same time I think he’s beginning to resent being a saviour (one time I offhandedly mentioned that I don’t think I ever want to live with a partner again because I like my alone-time and independence. I saw The Dandy’s face light up). So, he’ll do things for me, but I don’t really trust his motivations. I think there’s big potential for him to do things he doesn’t actually want to (either to offer out of obligation or to be afraid to say no when I ask for things) and end up resentful.

Also, I find that I kind of resent the massive money he makes. Partly because he’s using a big chunk of it on Dandette instead of me (there, I said it) but also because it renders him just so entirely out of touch with my experiences. Looking for an apartment is terrifying for me; places in my price range are small and/or sketchy and property management companies are likely to reject me because the freelance nature of my job makes me not look like a good bet as a tenant. For The Dandy, apartment hunting is a pain in the ass and nothing more. He can afford nice places; places big enough that he doesn’t have to go in there with a tape measure to make sure his furniture will fit. If he applies for a place, let’s face it, the only reason he wouldn’t get it is that someone else got it first. His apartment is in a pretty fancy building, so the soundproofing is excellent, but even if it wasn’t, the place is fucking huge. If a next-door neighbour were being loud, he could just go to the other side of the apartment and escape the noise that way. I can only afford a bachelor apartment where the main living space is about the size of The Dandy’s bedroom, so if someone to one side of me is being loud…tough shit.

I know it’s not rational but I just…kind of hate The Dandy for having this apartment that’s dead silent, and just taking it for granted, when I live in a place where I can hear the guy upstairs pissing. And I double-hate Dandette for living in said silent apartment for free and just taking it for granted**. It’s been a running theme in my life that I’m never quite bad off enough for help. Other people have nervous breakdowns etc and people come scurrying out of the woodwork to throw help and free stuff at them, but I continue barely hanging on by my fingernails so nobody gives a fuck about me.

If The Dandy had gotten Dandette the fuck out of there when they broke up, like he should have, I could be moving in there right now and escaping my shitty neighbours and the constant, crushing anxiety-paralysis they give me. I wouldn’t ask him to take me in for free, of course. The apartment costs $1,800 and the second bedroom is smaller so I’d offer to pay $800/month – which is still less than I pay here, so I could be enjoying a bit of financial relief while still fully pulling my weight. Or maybe if I were really pushing it I’d ask if I could pay $500/month (so that we’d each be paying rent that’s sort of proportionate to our income*, ergo it’s still fair in a sense) which would allow me to possibly save up some cash for when I found a proper place of my own and needed money for movers etc.

But no. Dandette gets a free ride even though they’re not dating anymore, and I get to live in a place where I’m scared to flush the toilet and get told that I can’t stay at The Dandy’s too much because Dandette might be uncomfortable.

I wish I knew what her deal is, btw. She’s really nice to me – too nice, given that we’re really just acquaintances – but on the other hand she still acts out sometimes out of panic that some of The Dandy’s attention isn’t on her anymore. She seems not even the teeniest bit self-aware, so I tend to think that consciously she’s happy The Dandy found someone and she’s trying to “welcome me into the family” or whatever but subconsciously she’s freaking out so she acts out but doesn’t have any idea why. But what if I’m wrong and the nice treatment is some Machiavellian “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” thing? She scares me a bit.

Welp, this post ended up going all over the place.

 

*I don’t know exactly how much The Dandy makes, but one time when I told him about subsidized housing where your rent is set at 25% of your income, The Dandy said that if he applied to such a place his rent would be more than it is now so it would be pointless for him. Which means he makes over seven thousand dollars a month.

**When she first had her mental breakdown and quit her job (like six months ago, I think?), apparently she kept the apartment spotless because she felt guilty about not paying rent. Those days are thoroughly over. The place is usually trashed when I go over there, and I’ve seen The Dandy take an hour or two to clean up the kitchen on a few occasions now. This is why I say she takes the place for granted. And she’s doing pretty well lately mentally, by the way; she’s chatty, sees friends and her boyfriend often, has several creative projects on the go. It’s not a depressive lack of energy keeping her from cleaning. And it’s her many baking projects and craft projects that are trashing the place. She’s taking advantage.

1 Comment

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One response to “Also

  1. play

    “So few men get mesmerized by petting me and I honestly can’t understand why. They’re touching an attractive naked woman and eliciting all manner of sounds from her. When I can make a partner vocalize and writhe, it’s fascinating to me. I’ll linger and see how long I can draw it out. ”

    I feel you on this. Also the thing with dudes being into it in the beginning and then tapering off. One thing is to just visibly get turned off/bored/start doing other stuff when the perfunctory stuff happens. Like, “oh, you thought we were having sex? Sorry I could not tell your touches didn’t seem to be really into it (so I started reading my book instead).”

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