My friend Kaija tentatively wants to fix me up with a guy her partner knows. Apparently this dude has a thing for tall, tattooed women and may enjoy being bossed around. The reason he may enjoy being bossed around is because he’s passive and indecisive, not submissive per se, and that would probably drive me crazy. But the idea of being with someone who has a physical “type,” and I’m it, is…appealing. I’m not definitely saying no. Kaija’s gonna get me a pic of him if she can, to aid in my evaluation process.

I told The Dandy about this when I saw him last night. I said that TBH I feel like I haven’t dated anyone in a long time who thought I was really, really attractive (I started saying this without even thinking – just venting to someone I feel close to. Took me until this point to think “Oh derp THE DANDY IS A PERSON I’M DATING, well this is awkward” and my spiel hitched for a second like a computer buffering but then I figured what the fuck and kept talking). I said that when I was younger and more conventionally attractive I’d catch partners staring at me with huge glittery anime eyes, just utterly mesmerized by how hot they thought I was. And I don’t remember the last time that happened, and it’s fine, looks aren’t the most important part of a relationship, I know my partners feel connected to me and love my brain and yadda yadda yadda. But still, it would be nice to be swooned over, physically.

And like I said, I was saying this to The Dandy as a random vent and had kind of even forgotten that it applied to him until midway through. I wasn’t fishing for compliments. Which is good because there were none forthcoming; when I said that I think nobody I’m dating thinks I’m super hot or anything, he just listened quietly with a sheepish expression. Okay, so fair enough, I guess I called it.

Honestly, despite what we’re all taught about men being sooooo highly visually stimulated, I think a lot of them are just…not. Because, I mean, it’s not just that he doesn’t look at me that way; I never see The Dandy obsessing on anyone’s eye candy. Ditto many of the other partners I’m thinking of where that component of visual lust was absent on their side. I, meanwhile, get spellbound by hotness pretty frequently to a point where if a partner is around I suppress my reactions so as not to offend him, but it’s really really difficult. Like I have to actually struggle not to openly eye-hump the person/express disbelief at their hotness repeatedly/lose all track of the conversation I’m having with my partner because I’m momentarily gobsmacked by the pretty/etc. I hold no ill will toward partners of mine who just aren’t that visual in general. I know it’s nothing personal. If someone I’m dating drools all over other people but not me, that’s different.

Anyway. I’d just gotten finished stating that I know looks aren’t the be-all and end-all of a relationship and then for whatever reason I felt like clarifying, because looks are pretty important to me. I want that delirious lust where I just wanna eat the other person up (and The Dandy does give me that – his body is not my ideal but his face just transfixes me, and he’s witnessed me staring intently into his eyes in creepy silence for minutes on end and then saying “you…are so fucking pretty” many, many times). So I amended my previous statement. I said that looks are important to me when it comes to partners. I grinned at The Dandy and said “I am a curator of beautiful things.”

And The Dandy put on a fake-innocent voice and said “Then how did you end up with me?” which…kind of brought me to the limit of my patience. Like dude you goddamned know I find you attractive. I tell you almost every time I see you. And you surely know that my “curator” comment was a veiled way of saying it yet again. And you totally just listened to me tell you that I suspect my partners don’t find me all that attractive but I wish they did, and you just sat there nodding and not saying anything – not even something like “looks aren’t important to me but you have the most fantastic brain.” But here you are wanting me to heap even more praise onto you. The Bunny used to pull shit like that, too. And there was a similar thing at least once with Minx.

I rolled my eyes and said “how’s the fishing in Compliment Lake? Are you catching anything?” and he got the hint and we talked about something else.

But Jesus, the neediness. Tell a guy he’s hot one fucking time and he’ll be back begging for more for the rest of his goddamned life. It’s like feeding a stray cat or something. And I’m so very tired of feeling like I give more validation/emotional labour/etc than I get.

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