I’m smitten enough with the new boy that it’s making me hyper-paranoid whenever there’s a longer-than-average gap in our text conversations. We seem to be sliding toward having feelings for each other pretty quickly, but those potential feelings are based solely on what we know of each other so far – which, in the grand scheme of things, isn’t all that much. So it feels like any new revelation from either side has the potential to destroy everything, like that time on Seinfeld when Elaine was really into a guy but then it came up that he’s pro-life.
We’d been doing a lot of sexy flirting/innuendo stuff lately and I was starting to worry that we were overfocusing on that side of things – I’ve had it happen before where I met a guy I liked and felt had partner potential, but somehow once regular talk segued into sex talk we were never able to go back again and dude became a fuckbuddy at best. But last night we fell into a long text conversation about what we think happens to people’s souls after they die, and whether either of us would live forever if we could, and what we want to have accomplished in life by the time we die. We were on the same page with all of it, btw, which is nice. I’m sure couples exist where one believes in heaven/hell and the other believes in *poof*, but I bet with some people that creates arguments.
He and I both tentatively think that the last moment of a person’s life may feel like eternity, the way a two-minute dream can seem to take place across months, so that would be an “afterlife” of sorts even if death is actually lights-out and there’s no tangible thing that happens after. So therefore it’s important to both of us that we die feeling happy and knowing we made others happy. We shared our respective lists of things we wanted to have going on at death in order to die fulfilled. A deep romantic relationship was on both of our lists.
Then (consciously taking a bit of a chance, because if we’re mismatched in this way it would not bode well), I said:
Relationships are important to me. I prioritize love more highly than a lot of other people do, it seems (I’m not being smug here, just confused. I don’t see prioritizing love as more moral or anything).
But like…I have friends who’ve broken up with people they loved in order to take a road trip or accept a job elsewhere. And maybe they just weren’t IN love? But I thought they were. And I can’t imagine leaving a really good, in-love relationship for things like that.
Then again, it’s pretty rare that I connect with someone deeply. Other people might find that easily any old place. That probably makes a big difference.
But yeah. Being in one or more fulfilling romantic relationships is a big piece of my “dying happy” plan. Plus good friends and a career I like and all of that, obviously.
Now, bear in mind that we’d been talking up a storm up to this point. Great flurries of text messages flying back and forth rapid-fire. But after I said this? Crickets. For the next couple of hours I tried to distract myself but couldn’t help checking my phone every five seconds, and still nothing. Then Minx called wanting to hang out (it was 1am but she recently moved to a place right up the street from me and we’re both nocturnal so…) and so we took a very nice nighttime walk and then sat on a bench in a park for a couple of hours, talking.
Once I got home again, I suddenly remembered my angst about the boy again, and checked my phone. This was waiting:
I’m with you on prioritizing love. That’s what gives me the courage to put myself out there for dating. Otherwise I’d be a hermit workbot and give up sex altogether. I like sex, obviously, but I want the whole package. I do not understand the people who break up with others for distance reasons. I did my LDR for years and even though I ultimately determined I wasn’t in love with her, I was convinced during that period that I was. I feel deeply for her as a friend and it was worth it to know. If the love is real, how could it not be worth it? I would figure it out, personally.
So I don’t recall asking, but given everything you said here, is your current boy not the one for all of this? [Meaning my die-happy plan of being in a relationship] Or perhaps I’m missing the obvious in discounting your “foregoing” of your kinkterests, at least with him, for something more vanilla? I’m asking because some of your language frames it as a sort of dream you have for someday.
I do not fall for people easily. I do like to jump in kind of head first, but that’s because (1) I don’t have time to fuck around and take things slowly, [This is amusing to hear from a 29 yo but whatever] (2) I want to get to the real intimacy sooner, and (3) I fucking hate all the stupid dancing around their true selves people do at the beginning of relationships. Fucking go! See if you are compatible for real. The sooner you know you’re not, the sooner you can get back to the search. Of deep connections, I’ll say I’ve had…Two. Obviously neither stuck. Unrequited love is a rough game for both parties in my experience. But I would give up pretty much everything (again) if I thought it was real.
I’m totally rambling now. Fell asleep, then woke up to your messages and didn’t want to let them go unanswered. Looking forward to Sunday.
I kind of wonder if he didn’t want to let my messages go unanswered because he knew I had put myself out there and might perceive silence as rejection. I get a vibe that he, like me, is excited and anxious and trying to cover it up so he doesn’t seem too needy. I believe a lot of the things he’s been telling me about himself are also putting-himself-out-there things and he knows how he’d feel if I were suddenly silent.
The boy’s comment about The Dandy gave me a good opening to mention that he and I are probably about to break up, so that’s cool, too. I didn’t want to tell him outta nowhere because that might seem like it’s a competition and I’m letting the boy know that he won (he’s never been poly before, and even open-minded monos generally see multiple relationships as being in opposition to each other because that’s how we’re all socialized). And yet my relationship status is kinda relevant to his life, so I wanted him to know.
He has not responded to my message about The Dandy and I being on the verge of breakup. That’s fine. This is new territory for him.
We see each other again tomorrow and I plan to break his one-month orgasm fast. 😀