On our second date we went to dinner. On the bus to the restaurant he was like “Okay so this is awkward but…” and told me that he really missed me writing to him. In the week or so leading up to our first date we’d been messaging on Fetlife like mad, and then after that first date I wrote a brief follow-up about some things we’d talked about, and later wrote to him asking for that second date, but that’s it. He said he’d really like more contact from me.
I’ve struggled with the exact same feelings in many relationships and it’s terrifying as hell for me to say so – I mean if they’re not contacting me much then presumably it’s because they don’t feel like talking to me, right? So won’t I just end up looking clingy and demanding? And in fact with this boy I’d been having a similar struggle. I hadn’t written to him as much because even back when the correspondence was flying, he often had gaps of a day or two between my messages and his responses, which made me overthink and wonder if I was overwhelming him with too much verbiage. So I backed off a bit. But here he was, telling me he missed talking to me.
I was so delighted by his directness that I spontaneously kissed him on the cheek and said “Hooray for being upfront about your needs!” I then came clean about my own thought process there, and added that also I’d been kinda wanting to move from FL message to texting but felt that this might come across as level jumping so I didn’t. He said he’d love for me to text him. I asked if there was any curfew on that or if it could be anytime; he said when he’s asleep he doesn’t hear the notifications so it won’t bother him and I should go ahead and say stuff any time I want. I told him my phone is almost always on silent mode so he was welcome to do likewise.
And then, remember how I mentioned in a previous entry that I’d texted asking when I could see him again and he never replied? For over 24 hours I sat there shaking and sweating like a heroin addict, waiting for him to give me a time to see me, and when he finally did text me it was with something about how he knows I’m busy but he’s been thinking about me and wanting to make me moan with his touch. And I thought “Then fucking get over here and do it!” but if he wasn’t suggesting a day/time, I figured there was a reason and I’d just have to wait. I didn’t prompt him. I was afraid of looking too needy.
Turns out he’d replied to my “when can I see you again” pretty much immediately but the message was never delivered. His “I know you’re busy but I’m thinking of you” was because he thought I wasn’t responding to him and he didn’t wanna seem pushy/needy! We got that sorted out and now he’ll be coming over on Sunday. And when he does, it’s pretty much a foregone conclusion that we’ll play. I’d intended on taking things slowly in order to build trust, but so far he just radiates trustworthiness, to me. He’s shown that he’s not scared to make his needs known and he’s shown that he’s more than willing to cater to mine. He has some prior experience and knows what he likes, but he has room for flexibility and seems like he can adapt to a new partner’s take on things instead of expecting them to play out his exact fantasies. This boy feels like the real deal.
Last time he was here, sometime after the long, long interlude of petting me into a stupefied trance, he made some offhanded comment wondering why I didn’t order him around more. I said “What else could I possibly have wanted you to do, though?” and that’s true – when he was petting me, he was reading my signals well enough to be hitting allllll my good spots optimally. And at the moment I didn’t want anything more than pettings. Also, though? I’m a stickler for consent. He hadn’t told me he was okay with being ordered around, thus I didn’t pick that mantle up. I would not have wanted to start making demands only to have him stop short and tell me he didn’t like it/wasn’t ready/whatever.
Also, when we first got back to my place I asked him if the fact that I’d fucked The Dandy on my sheets and not washed them since appealed to his cuckold side at all and he said no, he needs to be in an established relationship for the cuckold feelings to kick in. Which I took as a pretty huge hint that despite our obvious chemistry, he still very much thought of me as not-his-partner. Maybe a potential partner, someday. But not any kind of partner-ish person now. Which in turn made me assume that it would be inappropriate to start bossing him around as though he were my sub. I suspect, now, that I was wrong and that the cuckold thing requires him to be in love but dominance itself can be a casual play partners thing for him.
Anyway. He hasn’t had an orgasm since March and we somehow just both fell into the idea that when I see him next I’ll be playing around with that pent-up sexual tension. And so when we (finally) made concrete plans to see each other again, we had this text discussion:
Me: Also. Slightly awkward talk ahoy…I want to feel I can take control of you. And I think you’d be okay with that. But I haven’t probed too far in that direction because I am very much of the mind that it’s pushy and douchey to do so without consent. So ummmmm can I tell you to do stuff? In the bedroom? Out?
Him: You can. What’s the craziest shit we’re talking about here?
Me: Well, I mean, I’m not gonna jump straight to crazy right out of the gate. And my policy is that, since a sub may not even realize what-all I might ask of him, the first time I ask for a thing it’s okay to say no. I won’t consider it a breach of the dynamic or anything.
Him: Okay. Yes, I’m okay with you directing me.
Me: …Prawrrrrrrrrrr. And ummmmm just to narrow my chances of being rebuffed, sexual contact (including you being penetrated), bondage, light pain and light housework – these are all generally okay with you, from me, at this juncture?
Him: Correct. But I want to reiterate my desire that we use condoms and such for all the “real” penetration. Including on silicone.
This led to me asking if he requires barriers for oral sex (because a penis in the mouth is also penetration), which led to a big awkward talk about STI risk (I haven’t been tested in years and he’s a bit uneasy about this) but I respect that he’s asking the tough questions, and the fact that he asks them tells me that he’s got a good head on his shoulders/isn’t prone to slut shaming or weird superstitious thoughts about STIs as punishment for having fun/cares about safety and will probably be honest with me about any risk factors of his, too. He’s getting tested this week, btw. I…still haven’t made an appointment, because I hate using the phone and also I’m in a therapy program every weekday for the next three weeks so I worry there won’t be time for me to actually go. But I won’t initiate PIV with him until I do go.
Anyway. One more thing I wanted to mention: when he was over last, we talked a lot about what we want in a relationship etc. and both of us kept inserting the other into our hypothetical situations without even thinking about it, and then noticing and being bashful about it. Like: “What’s your stance on X?” “Well, I mean if you – I mean if someone I was in a relationship with, um heh heh – did X, I would probably….” God, I love that. Love love love.
I hope things with this boy keep on being good because I am so fucking smitten right now.