That second date with the new boy was aaaaaaaaahmazing. He ended up coming home with me (to hang out, not for sex, as I told him from the getgo) and we did the whole talking-all-night thing and he’s just endlessly fascinating and charming.
Also, relatively early in the evening he figured out that my skin is insanely sensitive and this led to me shucking off all my clothing fairly quickly (“MOAR SKIN CONTACT”) and taking him to bed, where he stroked my entire body for what felt like about an hour and a half (but there’s no clock in my bedroom so I don’t know for sure). And he was amazing. So sensitive to my body signals. His fingers seemed to move like a divining rod, following all my sweet spots around without me having to say a word. He remained fully clothed. There was no sense of him touching me as a lead-up to sex. He seemed to be in a trance. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen a partner go into one of those sexy trances before. I often get like that when touching a partner; just completely focused where nothing else exists but their bodies. They usually seem to be enjoying me in a more shallow or utilitarian way, however.
But yeah. This boy. This fucking boy. He petted me in absolute, reverent silence for basically ever, and he was so good at it – and so completely undemanding and focused on my pleasure – that I was able to give myself up to the sensations completely and my consciousness came untethered and floated away like a helium balloon. I was living entirely in my body and my brain was just this empty, ringing white place with all the thoughts and words erased. It’s very, very rare that my mind is not just silent but gone . It feels so fucking good.
Eventually I opened my eyes and started to drift back to coherence. He was gazing into my face with the same awe that I was feeling for him. “That was amazing,” he whispered. I was still not entirely able to speak. I felt like my heart might explode. He stroked a place on my neck with his fingertips and murmured “when your heart starts to beat [hard] I can see it right here.” And then he held me close and eventually I was able to talk and we ended up having conversations about all kinds of different things and eventually we slept. In the morning there was a whole lot more snuggling/talking/smooching and eventually I asked him to make us breakfast and he did and it was good.
We’ve texted a bit since then and when I asked when I could see him again he didn’t respond for over 24 hours and even then he didn’t say anything about seeing me, only that he was thinking of me and wanted to pet me and make me moan for hours. Which is all well and good, but when? …I’m trying to convince myself that maybe he didn’t get my previous message, or I missed one from him, or he meant to tell me when he was free but forgot, or something, rather than this being a sign that he’s lost interest and is trying to deflect me and taper off communications in the most subtle way possible.
Here’s the thing about this boy, though: he’s never been poly before, and although he has cuckold tendencies and wouldn’t mind a partner fucking other dudes, he says he might need to be the only person in his partner’s heart. He knows I have a boyfriend and is tentatively seeing how he feels about that. He did say to me a few times that he’s beginning to think he could maybe deal with it.
Still, though. I feel like I could fall in love with this boy and he’s mildly wigged out by me dating The Dandy, for whom I feel cat-love that will probably go no further. And so when things with The Dandy started going sideways this weekend and I thought about breaking up with him, the thought crept in that maybe in doing so I’d be ensuring the continued presence of the other boy with whom I’m so smitten. And then I felt awful for having that thought because it goes against so many things that I stand for. If I break up with The Dandy it should be on its own merits.