Angry

Here are some things I’m angry about with regards to The Dandy.

  • He’s never called 911 when Dandette would threaten to kill herself. He’s spent all night talking her down – one time he even apparently restrained her to the bed because she would literally take off running toward the knives – but he didn’t call 911. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and figured maybe it didn’t occur to him; maybe he forgot that 911 can be used for things like that. But when he was telling me about these suicide cry-for-help things I expressly told him that he’s not responsible for “saving” her, nor is he even qualified, and he really needs to call 911 to get actual medical professionals there. And shortly after that Dandette freaked out again and The Dandy didn’t fucking call anyone. Even though she was allegedly trying to bolt for the knives (again) and he was needing to physically hold her back. And that is so goddamned irresponsible and also creepy because I’m pretty sure he’d rather feel needed than actually make sure she doesn’t die. If it’s just him talking her down, there’s no guarantee she won’t kill herself as soon as his back is turned. If she’s carted off, put on tranquilizers and strapped to a bed for a while and then given meds and/or therapy, she definitely won’t kill herself. So…yeah.

 

  • Not long ago I was talking to The Dandy about how I think he really needs to not live with Dandette anymore. He told me, not for the first time, that he didn’t know how to kick her out. I do see that it would seem selfish and awful, in a way, to have a two-bedroom apartment and tell someone with no job and few friends or prospects to GTFO so you could have it all to yourself. I said maybe instead he could just…decide to move into a one-bedroom in the same building. “Okay, Dandette, I’ve decided I don’t want to be spending all this money on rent anymore. I’m downsizing. You need to figure something out.” The Dandy looked intrigued by this idea and even took it five hundred steps further by saying he should get a job in a whole other city so he could move away entirely. But guess what? When I was there over the weekend I saw some paint samples lying around and asked why. He said he’s thinking of painting his bedroom.

 

  • On The Dandy’s birthday, I took him out to dinner. I said to please choose a mid-range kind of place where there’s something I can eat, but beyond that it was all up to him because it was his day. Dandette…made him a birthday cake and wrote about herself on it. I’ve had a few times when I asked The Dandy over and he seemed a bit reluctant so I told him he seemed to need alone-time and that was fine; we’d hang out whenever he was rested and ready. Dandette…waits til he’s about to go to bed and then stages a suicide attempt. I tell The Dandy what I need from him. Dandette doesn’t state what she needs, and then screams at him for not guessing right. I have anxiety but can usually remind myself during a freakout that it’s just my brain being an asshole, and thereby stay somewhat rational. Dandette has anxiety and will just completely lose her mind on The Dandy, rationality be damned. I’m fucking The Dandy and Dandette is not. And yet when I tell him that Dandette’s presence in his life is unhealthy for him and probably also going to lead to me bailing on our relationship…he goes silent. Because I guess it is just so hard to choose between the two of us.

 

  • The Dandy knows I am emphatically against him being Dandette’s self-appointed saviour, yet he still tells me about ongoing incidents where he “had” to help her through some anxiety freakout or bit of suicidal ideation. He knows I hate that he lives with Dandette, but when Dandette wrote about herself on his birthday cake he went ahead and let me see it, thus basically allowing her to be metaphorically present during our private time together. What did I ever do to him, that he should so blatantly rub my face in these things he knows I hate?

 

  • I told The Dandy that in taking care of Dandette like he does, he’s almost certainly exacerbating her anxiety (I say this because it’s exactly what happened with my ex husband. I came to rely on him for everything and felt like I had no idea how to adult anymore. My anxiety just totally closed over my head like black water. But once ex-husband and I split up, I was forced to stand on my own two feet and it became not-scary. Mostly.). Even with my saying this, though, he’s still not making any plans to oust her from the apartment. So, again…does he really want her to be okay? Or does he just get off on her depending on him? Let’s also not forget the “joke” he made about keeping her around because she feels indebted to him for all the food and rent and it makes her do what he wants. Ugh.

 

  • The Dandy is living with someone who will get the idea to commit suicide and literally run for the knives so that he has to tackle her. But to the best of my knowledge he hasn’t hidden the knives (or scissors or razors or any other potential suicide tool) at all. So…it looks an awful lot like he knows she won’t actually slash her wrists while he’s at work. He’s just playing into her fucked-up little attention-games.

 

  • I have this paranoia/jinx thing where I’m convinced that every time I start to trust that someone might actually become a permanent fixture in my life, everything fucks up. Happened with Minx. Happened with The Bunny. Happened with The Pedant. And now, just days after The Dandy and I met his mom and felt all cosy and domestic and bonded and I said I was hoping to find a long-term committed relationship and he smiled and squeezed my hand…this all happens.

 

5 Comments

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5 responses to “Angry

  1. play

    I am so sorry this is happening 😦

    I am going to be all pessimist about all the stuff here, and please ignore/delete if it is too much, but I’m sorta wondering whether the Dandy doesn’t just enjoy the white knighting, but also the _power_ that gives him over Dandette. In a kinky way. Like, she is just so tragically dependent on him (even if she is playing him at the same time). Maybe he somehow does actually enjoy her being dependent on him, all helpless and shit.

    I had that thought first when reading about him “having” to tackle her for her own protection. I may be projecting here, but you said he is rather used to being dominant, and the last time I was dating a dom wrestling with him (and losing/being contained) was a big turn on for both of us. And all this rescuing from suicide sure sounds like involving a lot of bodycontact in a state of hightened arousal, even if it is not perceived as sexual per se.

    (Said dom had similar white knightish tendencies/ at times suicidal ex gf that used to depend on him for, you know, life and death, but was very adamant that he did not enjoy basically having had to run her life for her. I was not convinced.)

    I dunno, somehow in my head that makes a more coherent picture than here in my words. Just, gnah. I want to shake the Dandy and lecture him on basic emotional & interpersonal adulting.

    • You and I are absolutely on the same page here. And it makes me a little scared of The Dandy, even though he hasn’t (that I can see) tried to get me to be dependent on him the way both my dad and my ex husband did. He uses his mighty money and car to take me to dinner and stuff but has not yet offered to rescue me from any basic adulting. But I wonder if he would. Maybe it just didn’t occur to him yet.

      • play

        Or maybe it is more like a thing that sets in once a big crisis presents it as a reasonable thing.

        • Yesssss. That may actually be how it started with my enablers. I can’t remember. But it seems likely that I asked “would you deal with the world for me in this small way so I don’t have to?” and that was their opening to start offering.

          At any rate I’m terrified of being seduced into giving up my meagre adulting powers, so The Dandy makes me deeply uneasy now.

  2. play

    Yes. I am very very biased in these things, as I just broke up with my white knight a month ago – he wasn’t actually pushing any of these things on me, but I realized that the more I came to rely on his generously offered help, as well as much higher earning power (half starving artist me who has been looking unsuccessfully for a dayjob since the beginning of the year vs. programmer him), even if just as a safety net in the back of my head, the more afraid of the world I actually got.

    This was puzzling to me. Part of me is worried that I just pushed him away because my brain weasels don’t want me to have nice things/evar relax – because should I not relax more when having the backing of somebody else throwing their resources behind me? But somehow I did not. In the meantime, my financial issues have become more acute as a direct consequence of the breakup/refusing to take his money anymore (and he had explicitly said in the past that his support was not conditional on our relationship status, so in theory I could have continued to rely on him, just, I could not. Also, another possible parallel to the Dandy.), yet my fear/anxiety/stress about them has gone down. Go figure.

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