Mental health

By the way, my tribunal for disability was in December and I still haven’t gotten anything from them, even though at the time the lady said I was approved. When I called them a couple of months ago they said it can take up to 60 days so I kept on waiting. Now it’s been around 100 days so I recently called back. The woman on the phone was surprisingly good at the whole customer service thing, in that she apologized for me being inconvenienced (a government worker! Apologizing!!!!) and said there was still no decision on record so she would email the lady from the tribunal and prompt her to send in her report.

I’ve been burned by customer service people before so I maintain a healthy skepticism about whether she’ll actually send that email. But the apology was nice. It’s been rough having a stable income dangled…just……..out…………..of…………………………reach for the past four months.

I’m pretty scared that the tribunal lady will have forgotten whatever sympathy she felt for me when she saw me ugly-cry in person and her decision will have changed to a “no” though.

In related news, I finally got in to see a psychiatrist over the possibility that I have ADD. He feels that I do, and has prescribed me meds to try. Although they’re expensive and I probably can’t afford them unless disability kicks in.

I want to be diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum, too. The shrink actually saw some signs of it himself as we discussed my life story during our appointment.

I feel like a trendy moron, asking about ADD and autism right now. Seems like those two things are in the news all the time and everyone and their grandmother is all “I bet I have those!” But I do think I have them, thanks to all these trending articles talking about how they manifest differently in women. I don’t match up to how dudes with those issues act. But I do match up to how women apparently act.

And I know there’s no cure for either thing, and I’ve developed coping skills anyway, so arguably there’s no real point in me being diagnosed.

Here’s the thing, though: my parents would always gaslight me over my experiences, like dismissing things I had problems with as no big deal, just me being oversensitive, blah blah blah. Or they’d act like I was just an idiot weirdo for doing things differently than other people might.

But if my various hunches are correct, I grew up not just with an abusive parent, but also with celiac disease and severe anxiety and depression and OCD and ADD and autism (also synesthesia but that didn’t really affect my life so…). And by high school I’d developed enough coping skills to have friends and boyfriends and get As in all my classes.

I’m still weird; I still don’t blend with other people very well. And that makes me feel like a failure. But if in fact I do have all the various afflictions/syndromes/whatever that I suspect I do, then I’m not a failure for coming off kind of odd to people sometimes; I’m a motherfucking champion for making it as far as I have with basically no help or understanding or support.

So it’s a reframing I’m after, I guess.

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