The Dandy just spent the night here. It was very pleasant, and before he left I asked him if it was too soon to ask what title he’d give this…thing we’re doing. He said he would consider me his girlfriend. I said I was amenable to that. And then I found myself tearing up, because for so long I’ve been having these ambiguous interactions with guys (The Pedant, The Bunny, Mine) where we’ve been seeing each other for over a year but I don’t want to call it a relationship, or I do but I’m afraid to ask what they think it is because I’m pretty sure I won’t like the answer. Or I do ask and I don’t like the answer: with The Bunny I was hoping for a title and got him to agree to listing a relationship status for us on Fetlife: we were “lovers.” But, Fetlife structures things weirdly so his profile ended up saying both that we were lovers and (still) that he was single. I thought at first that this was an oversight but when I pointed it out…well, he was evasive, and wouldn’t come out and tell me that he didn’t think of me as a relationship per se and thus still thought of himself as single, but I’m quite sure that’s what was up. Since we broke up he has fallen in love with someone and they are listed as “in an open relationship,” with the “single” part gone. Well then.
The thing about being monogamous is that when you start seeing someone there has to be an “is this officially a relationship” talk because there’s a definitive behavioural change expected if it is: you’ll stop seeing other people. And for that matter if it’s determined that the other person is not up for a relationship, you may want to cut your losses and break up with them so you can search for someone who does want a relationship. Now that I’m poly, none of that applies anymore; we can still see other people regardless of what our relationship is or whether or not we’re in love. And, okay, I’ve fallen into a bad pattern of choosing men who seem kind of aloof and emotionally unavailable, so that I’m afraid The Talk would scare them off or yield an answer I don’t like. And the relationship itself remains functionally the same no matter what we call it, anyway, so I convinced myself that it didn’t matter. But it matters.
I’m sick of feeling like I’ve just fallen into things with guys by default. I want someone who will actively choose me. And The Dandy has. So I’m happy. 😀