Here’s my convo with The Dandy from last night btw (with some tangents edited out).
Me (a propos of nothing except my own paranoia): Hey ummmm how much does my anxiety etc put you off? Like how red-flaggy am I, to you?
Dandy: I’m used to anxiety, so not red flaggy.
Me: You are used to it, yes. But this makes me really conscious of potentially seeming like Dandette: The Return. Or something.
Dandy: When you’ve been upset you’ve turned to me for support instead of pushing me away – which is good, as the latter brings out my insecurities.
Me: Ah, okay, good to know. My own insecurities are around partners resenting me for leaning on them too much sooooo yeah.
Dandy: Jealousy and poor anger management are probably my biggest red flags – so [ex wife], not Dandette.
Me: I do okay on those fronts so I don’t think I’ll give you any flashbacky feelings.
Dandy: Also heavy drug use. And smoking disgusts me. Kissing a smoker is about as pleasant as licking an ashtray. Never again.
Me: Yeah, cigarettes are gross. …I think we avoid each other’s major triggers so far, so that’s good.
Dandy: Agreed. You’re not getting anywhere near mine.
Me: Woot. 🙂
So The Dandy’s big baggage thing is being pushed away when a partner is upset. That explains why he seems super pleased to let me cry all over him in times of crisis. I’m still gonna avoid leaning on him too hard because I’ve been quite capable of scaring off the whitest of white knights in the past, but it’s nice to know that the current level of support The Dandy is providing isn’t too much for him.
Oh also, when he was here the other day I mentioned in passing that waiting around for people gives me instant rage because I’ve been stood up or screwed around by so many people in the past. He connected this to a recent thing with us without me having to prompt him (“So that time I couldn’t come over until after the car was repaired must have driven you nuts, huh?”). And I said yeah, it totally did and I really should have just said “let’s postpone hanging out” the second I realized that our plans hinged on waiting for an unpredictable thing to be done first. He held out his arms for me to snuggle into them. I feel like he gets where I’m coming from and will remember in future to avoid this particular “button” of mine. So yay.