Hung out with The Dandy again a couple of times. Both times, he cooked for me even though we were at my place. One of those times he made a grocery run on the way over and bought the food he subsequently cooked. Being fed makes me swoon and it’s an extra bonus not to have to leave my apartment for it.
Also, The Dandy caresses my head a lot and that’s absolute Kryptonite to me.
He’s been married before and during that time his wife was forever getting fed up with little things about their living space and demanding that they move, so he’s lived in a lot of different apartments that he found by looking at ads and stuff, like normal people do. I’ve lived in three places on my own (as in, not with my parents and not with a partner). I found the first two through friends. My current place, I found in the usual way, but it was the second place I looked at and I’ve been here for over ten years. So I feel like I don’t know how these things work at all. I want to move out of this place and The Dandy has been just this calm source of knowledge in the face of my GIGANTIC TIDAL WAVE OF ANGST, telling me which areas of the city are cheapest, what the pros and cons are of different kinds of apartments, what the application process usually entails, etc. etc. etc.
The Dandy feels feelings like a human and picks up on body language well – a refreshing change from The Pedant. But much like The Pedant, The Dandy is somewhat one-note in a way that I find soothing; The Pedant was mostly kind of emotionally “flat” and The Dandy is just…all cheerful and happy-go-lucky, all the time. Very little negativity for my brain to intercept and refract. So that’s good.
And it’s so nice dating a grownup. By which I mean not so much that The Dandy is my age (though he is) but that he generally has his life in order. He has a stable job that I’m pretty sure pays a lot. He has a nice apartment. He has a car. He seems reasonably self-aware, so far. Whether there are any treacherous gaps in his self-knowledge shall remain to be seen…but we had a good talk tonight via text message. We discussed the things that trigger us in a partner and we don’t have any potential red flags with each other so far.
Also he texted me the other day that he’s bought a new bathrobe to replace his old, worn-out one. And added that he’s bought some pajamas, too, so he can layer according to how cold it is in the apartment. This is significant because for a long while he just hung around the apartment naked – in front of his ex who still lives with him, mind you – and I think this contributed to their messed-up sense of boundaries with each other. I never actually told him that out loud, though he may have picked up on it when he casually mentioned his habitual apartment nudity one time and I was like “wait, what?”…Anyway he is almost certainly trying to demonstrate to me that he’s putting boundaries in place now.
On a side note, Dandette has a boyfriend again so that should take the edge off her desperate need for validation from The Dandy, although I still have no intention of going over to their apartment ever again. She’s also finally getting treatment for her mental issues so maybe she’ll find the werewithal to move out. There’s a light at the end of the tunnel, is what I’m saying.
So those are the good things about dating The Dandy.
On the con side, I wish I were more attracted to his body. Visually, I mean, and not just as a source of warmth and snuggles. Sex doesn’t always flow with us the way I’d like it to; there’s usually, for me, a moment of “Ehhh, okay, let’s do this now” rather than me just being pulled in by the hotness and losing myself there.
He seems to have no erogenous zones but his dick, is dead silent when I stimulate him, and barely makes any noise when he comes. TBH I’m pretty selfish and have a short attention span, so when I get him off it’s purely out of a sense of duty; he doesn’t really give me the reactions I need to keep me engaged and interested.
I’m not falling in love with him. I’m feeling the initial strains of cat-love already, but I suspect that may be as far as my emotions will go. This only becomes a con if The Dandy falls for me and the imbalance gets weird, mind you.
On a side note, I miss being in love and often tell myself that I would like to have that again. And yet I repeatedly throw my lot in with men I know I won’t ever feel that way about. I think I’ve developed a variation on Madonna/whore complex where I’m convinced that the most solid partnerships are the ones where two people have a down-to-Earth, logical discussion of what they each need and how (or if) they can provide it for each other, and make the conscious decision to forge a relationship where they do their best to fulfill each other – and I’ve somehow come to believe that this can’t coexist with fiery, passionate feelings. Either that or I’m just afraid of falling in love because I’m all about having power and control and falling for someone is a very powerless feeling. I miss the intimacy of meshing with someone’s mind like that but I don’t want to feel like I’ve lost my head. I don’t want to worry unduly about losing the other person. I don’t want to pine for someone all the time when they’re not around, or to feel as though I’ve lost my autonomy.
And so here I am again, doing preliminary relationship negotiations with someone who is very nice and sweet but who will likely always remain at a slight remove from the core of me.
And I’m even having some (totally predictable) trouble dealing with the level of intimacy we have now. My brain is doing that thing where it keeps kind of shunting my feelings around so I don’t get too vulnerable. I can look The Dandy in the eye when we’re sitting around talking about random things, but not if we’re talking about personal things and not usually during sex. During sex I can come so hard that I feel opened to the world like a peeled snail and I’m alternately laughing and sobbing, but only if I kind of pretend The Dandy isn’t there or that he’s some generic person or device getting me off.
…It occurs to me that I may be messed up in some ways I hadn’t previously realized.