A fellow dominant woman on Fetlife described, a while back, how she went through a phase of just being a no-holds-barred, demanding, unapologetic shithead with men she dated. This was I think before she knew she was dominant; maybe before she knew about BDSM at all. Anyway she said it was actually quite amazing how far she could push these men without them complaining at all.
And then I look back on my own relationship history and the overwhelming pattern of me trying way harder to please my partner than vice-versa and still they were usually the ones to break it off. Like awwww, was it getting tiring having me tie myself in knots to make myself more suitable to you while you did jack shit for me? Poor baby.
I do of course realize that I get myself into this shit by being too attached (both because of my perpetual and voracious skin-hunger, and because I don’t click with guys that often so when I do, I’m reluctant to let it go). So I suppose my partners can sense that I’m a bit more invested than they are, and they decide that they don’t have to bother trying to impress me anymore or whatever.
Or maybe I just have such low expectations of men that I create a self-fulfilling prophecy.
But both of those issues could be solved by me going into things with a guy expecting that he’ll bend over backward for me (and also forward, ba-dum-tssssh!) and tossing him aside if he won’t. Or at the very least asserting myself a lot harder than I typically have.
I’m not looking for anyone new lately at all because the breakup with The Pedant has felt like kind of a culmination of a bunch of shit in my life and I feel like I need to take time out to regroup. But for a brief time I was still trying to meet new people and I found myself super bitter and irritable and the minute a guy said or did anything that annoyed me the slightest bit I was like “it’s not working out. NEXT!!!” Maybe I dismissed a guy or two too quickly, but I dunno – as far as I can recall, about 90% of the time that I ever gave a guy a chance despite a slight red flag, it bit me in the ass in exactly the way I’d predicted. So maybe I’m not jumping the gun when I cut things short; maybe I’m just being smart and efficient.
It would be nice if this new sense of ruthlessness would hold out even after I get my head in order and am ready to pursue people again. It was really nice not agonizing over whether or not to keep someone around and wondering if it would be premature to let them go and worrying about hurting their feelings and blah blah blah. It was so beautifully simple to just get pissed off and drop the hammer at the very first offense.
I think part of my problem has also been a perceived sense of scarcity – like if I ditch one guy, who knows when I’ll find another? But I live in a big city with a huge number of kinksters and I seem to be able to get attention when I want it so there is really no logical reason for me to put up with any bullshit.
The other day, Mine and I were texting and he said he’s been missing me a lot lately and I told him I still had another week or so off if he wanted to come over sometime. He said he’s off for the next few days so maybe he could see me sometime soon, and could he let me know tomorrow? I was like “Nope! Concrete plans or GTFO.” And he was like “that’s fair. I’ll let you know when I can schedule something for sure.” A few days later, he did reserve a specific day with me. And I realized then that I’d expected him to be peeved by my tetchy response to him, or to never get around to actually setting a time with me. I’d been thinking that I had to accept vagueness because that’s seemingly been his only mode of operation for as long as I can remember. But when I told him to step up, he stepped up. Which makes me wonder how many other things I could make happen just by being super blunt about what I want.