I’ve been so starved for touch and comfort lately, but I ran into The Dandy when I was out clubbing recently and took him home with me and holy hell he gave me just what I needed. When he left I slept for about sixteen hours and I feel better now than I have in weeks.
On a side note, sometimes it feels like even when I force myself to have difficult conversations with guys in an effort to be clear about my intentions, they just ignore me and believe whatever they want, anyway. It’s frustrating. The first time I hung out with The Dandy I gave him not one but two speeches (one before we kissed, one before sex) basically saying “don’t assume that this is the start of a whole huge thing. I tend to make moves on guys just to see what it would be like to kiss or fuck them but then I get bored after and don’t feel like doing it again.” He said he was willing to take a chance but then after our time together he was like “So I assume we’ll be seeing each other again?”
This time around, as we sat in the club canoodling, I told him “I’m not in a headspace to be dating anyone right now. But if you’d like to come home with me for a one-off I’d like it.” He said yes, and the next day as he was getting dressed to leave he said “We should do this again” which, I mean…maybe in his mind, he was proposing a friendship with benefits, which is not “dating,” ergo it fits with what I said I wanted. But I also said I was looking for a one-off and there’s not much room for misinterpretation there. I told him I might kinda need some space to process my breakup with The Pedant some more and get my head together but then maybe. And I meant it. The Dandy is good for me, in many ways.
He still lives with his ex girlfriend (known here as Dandette) and although she’s being treated for her anxiety and depression now, treatment hasn’t kicked in yet and also she’s been lapsing further and further into huge, obvious alcoholism. Dandette had apologized to me a while back for cockblocking The Dandy where I was concerned. I’m not sure if she’s actually sorry and trying to move on from her unhealthy behaviours with him or just backing off because he gave her a talking to, but in true alcoholic fashion, instead of just saying her piece and then shutting the hell up and leaving us alone, she’s opting to show her support of us by being all “rah rah rah.” She was at the club the other night and kept popping up out of nowhere (startling the shit out of us) to say that she was happy to see us together, sloppily re-apologize to me, ask The Dandy if he would need the place to himself that night NUDGE-NUDGE-WINK-WINK, etc.
So, while I’m amenable to seeing The Dandy again, I absolutely refuse to go to his place for as long as Dandette is living there because she is a goddamned train wreck. And that roadblock makes me not able to form a relationship with him, per se; I’d feel like we were sneaking around, always having him at my place. I don’t even feel like I could see him that often because Dandette would no doubt observe this and make a huge point of talking about how happy she is about it (whether she is in fact happy or not). But I think my chemistry with The Dandy is better suited to an occasional FWB sort of thing, anyway.
I talked to him about Dandette when he was over, actually. I told him that although she (and maybe he?) seems to think that I broke things off because of her, that’s not accurate. First and foremost I broke it off because of him – because the night she kept insisting on him doling out exactly the same affectionate gestures to her as he did to me, he didn’t appear to see it as a red flag and didn’t (as far as I know) talk to her about it. And if he didn’t see that shit as a red flag then it’s clear that he had boundary issues with her that I simply didn’t want to deal with.
He said that he did talk to her. But I get the feeling he meant after the crazy drunken cockblocking night, not after the “parallel affection for both of us!” night. I know he had it out with her on Drunken Cockblock night; what I was asking about was that preliminary night of red flags. I even said “Do you mean you had this talk the night she kept insisting that you hug her every time you hugged me?” and he changed the subject or mumbled a non-answer or something so I still don’t know. But anyway I’ve said my piece and I’m glad of it. He did tell me, during the course of that convo, that Dandette has applied for disability (which will give her a larger and more stable income than she had before) and if she gets on it, he’ll be asking her to move out. He doesn’t feel he can do that right now because she doesn’t really have the resources to live on her own (he’s been letting her pay much less than half the rent on their place out of pity or an urge to help or whatever. Living anywhere else – even with roommates – would cost her more than she’s paying now).
I suspect The Dandy is drawn to damsels in distress, hence the way he takes care of Dandette and the way he he seems to thrive on helping me through emotional crises. The first time I hit on him, I was absolutely wrecked from my falling out with my friend The Veteran. On Dandette’s drunken cockblock night I ended up in tears from the stress and he comforted me through it and assured me that my crying wasn’t adding to his bad night. And now there’s this most recent hangout where I tried to just enjoy the physical stuff and not vent to him about my emotional state (especially since the emotional state was partly Pedant-related and who wants to snuggle a love interest who’s crying over someone else?) but he encouraged me to cry on his shoulder and talked things through with me really sweetly and said if I ever need his emotional support again I can totally ask.
And I mean I know that it’s par for the course for a friend or lover to be comforting like that, but you need to remember that before we hooked up, The Dandy and I were just acquaintances. We’d see each other out at clubs and say hi and that’s it. We had never hung out before then. So it’s not like we’d built up a solid relationship with good times and whatnot and then some shit happened to me and he stepped up to help me feel better (i.e., the normal way that these things happen). It’s more like he saw that I was messed up and he found that kind of appealing in and of itself. Not in a creepy, taking advantage way. But still. Maybe being a white knight plugs into his dominant tendencies. I know I kind of get off on people trusting me and feeling safe with me – probably the only things stopping me from being a white knight, myself, are my lack of energy and low tolerance for drama.
We had an interesting talk about being dominant, actually. He said he was starting to wonder if he was dominant at all because the submissives he’s met just irritate him. I said me too but I just figure it’s because they aren’t actually submissive. I asked what female subs are like that irritates him so much and he said they’re often way too passive to a point where they’re expecting him to sort out their entire lives for them. I said guy-subs can be like that at times but the biggest problem I run up against is guys who think that “serving” someone means letting someone fulfill their fantasies. No, dude, me catering to your fantasies would be serving you.
I also commented that it’s interesting how being dom or sub has no bearing on other personality traits – like for instance, you might assume that subs would be eager to take an active role in bed and please me however I liked, while dominants would want to be selfish in bed, but I’ve known subs and doms who were in both camps. The Dandy grinned and said “Yeah, I think pleasing someone in bed is kind of my thing as a dominant.” I told him that’s pretty much what I figured.
Sex with The Dandy could almost not be any more opposite to my sex with The Pedant. The Pedant was just a huge, sensitive bundle of responses that I enjoyed playing with, and once he came he’d help me get off too in a quick and perfunctory fashion. But I’m a huge, sensitive bundle of responses, too, if someone bothers to touch me, and The Dandy does. He lavishes me with all kinds of attention until I’m a melty puddle, and then I get him off in a rather perfunctory fashion. I can’t help it; he’s dead silent during sex and hand jobs, and doesn’t seem to have any erogenous zones at all. So there seems to be no point in lavishing a lot of attention on him since he barely seems to feel any of it. (He also takes forever to come, which I hate…but it would be rude to leave him hanging after he was so good to me, so I make sure he’s good and finished).
Took me a while to get out of my Pedant-given expectation of not being the focus of attention in bed, but once I figured out that The Dandy is more of a giver than a taker, things got good. We had PIV sex once this last visit and I felt very little guilt about using his body as a tool for my pleasure (that’s one way that his stamina really works out for me). We did Ye Olde Missionary Hitachi Sandwich and instead of feeling selfish and bad when I didn’t come after five minutes, I told myself he was probably enjoying doing this for me and it was okay for me to let things unfold at their own pace. I stayed the course and finally came stupidly hard, wailing and thrashing and growling and finally sobbing as The Dandy stayed inside me and held me in his arms. Goddamn it was good.
Unfortunately, after that came about a year and a half of monotonous thrusting from him that was boring the crap out of me but I didn’t know how to politely ask him “hey are you anywhere close to coming? Or do you maybe not care if you come or not and you think you’re doing this for my benefit? Because I’d actually be super happy to stop.” He had paid such delightful attention to me and my pleasure that I wanted to do the same in return, but I didn’t know how! Nothing I did seemed to elicit any kind of reaction from him and my legs were so weak from coming that I didn’t feel capable of being on top, so I ended up just kind of lying there making some token moaning noises and feeling like I must be boring him. At one point, to give him an “out,” I said “I’m gonna need a little more lube if we are to continue this. Unless you’d rather switch to something else…” he said he really liked what we were doing, so we re-lubed and continued.
He’s really subtle when he comes. At one point he started thrusting a little faster and took an audible breath or two so I figured he was at least close…but then he kept thrusting for another ten minutes or so. Finally I said “I think I really need to put my legs together for a while.” The Dandy chuckled and rolled off me and I gave my overtaxed thighs a break (The Dandy has wide hips so my legs were open far, and I’m not very bendy). He didn’t request a hand job or anything else, so I figured he just didn’t need to come that day (as happens sometimes, with him). But then I caught sight of the condom and it was obvious that he had come. Perhaps those little breaths were in fact an orgasm but he just felt like remaining inside me, anyway. The day before, I’d given him a hand job and kept stroking a little bit after he came and it didn’t hurt him like it does most people; seems plausible that he doesn’t necessarily have to stop whatever he’s doing just because he came. In a way it’s kind of sweet that he wanted to keep on being inside me even after climaxing. But my friggin’ thighs were killing me.
On a whole separate note: what is with people who ask me for food but then don’t eat it? After a day of lazing around snuggling, I said I was hungry and should make us some dinner. The Dandy agreed that this would be good. I gave him a little rundown of what I had in the fridge (which wasn’t much, unfortunately). When I mentioned trout fillets, his ears pricked up. I didn’t have much by way of side dishes; he said he doesn’t like lettuce, so salad was out. I said I had spaghetti but that I don’t typically have sauce in the house, I use sour cream (I apologized for eating like a weirdo; I know it can be difficult for people to eat here). He said he would prefer olive oil, and I have olive oil, so hooray. I made us trout and pasta (and I had salad) and he only ate maybe half of what I gave him.
And I just don’t get it. It’s not like I made him food without asking his preferences first, or asked him how he felt about some complicated dish that can be made a million different ways. Plain spaghetti and trout fried in a pan without spices or condiments are self-explanatory. You like them or you don’t.
An ex did kind of the same thing to me before; I had proposed a meal of chicken thighs and salad greens, which he was fine with. I said I like to put blueberries on my salad and did he want some or was he anti-fruit-on-salad? He said sure, blueberries sounded fine. And then he didn’t eat them.
The Dandy and that other guy both have a more stable job and more disposable income than I do, btw, so why they didn’t just offer to go down to 7-11 and get themselves a sandwich or something, I don’t know. But I’m on a limited budget and it pisses me off when people waste my food. (I ate the rest of The Dandy’s food once he’d left. With that other guy, it grossed me out to think of doing that, which is probably a pretty big sign that our chemistry was off; I never did quite feel sexually comfortable with him).
Anyway. Overall it was a very nice time. I introduced The Dandy to Flight of the Conchords Season 1 on DVD and he liked it; I love when I get to show someone something cool that they didn’t know about. And he petted me a whole bunch and there was sex and orgasms and he welcomed me talking out my angst with him and snuggled me while I cried and I slept with my face buried in his chest all night.
And, as I said, once he left I slept for sixteen hours. His company was exactly what I needed to release a bunch of my stress and reset myself from the insomnia that had been plaguing me for weeks.
I really do want to take some time alone and get my head straight, but I’ll almost certainly call upon The Dandy again in a few weeks. He is quite therapeutic, and I think it’s mutual. He needs snuggles and a listening ear and to feel attractive and I can absolutely help with that. The way I talked about his pretty cock had him blushing, actually. 😀