The Pedant ended up being here for like ten hours but we did not have sex. I didn’t even get to string him along and torment him like I’d daydreamed about; there was pretty much no sexual tension in the room at all.
Either The Pedant really is done with that side of things so he arrived with his brain firmly in all-business mode, or…I swear there was a moment, right when I opened the door – a split second during which
- He seemed like he was about to break into a smug, you-know-you-want-me smile and step in for a hug
- I was already stepping back cordially to let him in by the time I caught his feint toward me
- He saw that I was being distant and polite rather than my usual barely-contained ball of horndog self and swiftly followed my lead so as not to look dumb
He claims not to be able to read people very well but I think he picks up on lots of things, actually. Possibly without consciously realizing it, but yeah.
So possibly there had been potential for sexual tension but my chilly reception made him toggle his brain into “I-guess-it’s-not-happening” mode.
And I am fine with this. Mostly. I yearn for what the sex would represent (feeling wanted, feeling accepted, feeling loved, being close to someone) more than I yearn for the sex itself. Plus of course my stupid brain still associates The Pedant’s body with comfort and pleasure so I felt a bit of a pull toward him even if it wasn’t mutual. At times while he was next to me on the couch fixing my laptop I shoved my feet under his thigh for warmth, which helped.
Also…I put so much more into the relationship than he did. It irritates the shit out of me that not only was he the one to initiate our breakup, but he also doesn’t seem to be pining for the sex. At times during his visit I curled up on the couch almost-but-not-quite touching him and I didn’t feel him get all anticipatory and receptive. He didn’t mirror my body language or position himself so we were spooning-except-four-inches-apart like he did that other time.
I mean, I don’t know…this might actually be it, for us. After years of being each other’s complete Achilles heel sexually he might finally, for real, just want to be friends. Which is a more profound level of breakup than we’ve ever had before, and not one that I was expecting: our sexual connection was unlike any I’ve had with anyone else and I really thought it would be there forever.
I actually think that I, too, could get to a point where I’m friends with The Pedant and his face doesn’t hypnotize me with pretty and his body isn’t full of magic. It might be necessary to lose that and move on, now, but it still makes me sad. I hate to lose that alchemy we had.
But yeah.The Pedant came over and spent a bunch of time copying files from one of my laptops onto a USB stick while I put a steady rotation of Christmassy DVDs on for us to watch. I made us food and then he helped me do a major furniture rearrange in the bedroom and then he set up an iPod dock he’d found (thrown away at his work but still totally functional) so now I have music. And he didn’t have any visible response at all to me curling up near him or sticking my feet under him to warm them up or lightly grabbing his hips so I could maneuver past him in a crowded space. I made us more food and we ate and talked and listened to songs from my iPod that was now plugged into the brand-new-to-me dock and a sad song (plus nostalgia for the physical affection we might never have again) made me cry a tiny bit but he didn’t notice.
Throughout the visit he thanked me profusely for having him over (which seemed odd since he came over to do me a favour, but then I remembered: it’s Christmas. He’s taking refuge from his parents), for making him food, for still having soda in my fridge (I don’t drink the stuff; I’d bought it for him, back in the day, and not gotten rid of it). And before he left he hugged me and there was still no sexy vibe at all, and I kissed his cheek to confirm this and yeah – no little intake of breath at the feel of my lips on his face, no attempt to extend the hug or linger his face near mine as I pulled back. Well fuck.
It was nice huffing the smell of his neck while I had the chance, though. I’ve missed his smell.
He says he’ll come over again sometime soon to keep on transferring shit from the older laptop to the less-old one. It’s nice that he’s still gung ho to help me with stuff even though we’re not fucking anymore. And he seemed very much on his best behaviour today, with all the volunteering to do stuff and the thanking me for every little thing, but to what end if not to win me back? Maybe he feels guilty for not being into me anymore because he knows I treated him really spectacularly well and he feels like he should be more grateful. I dunno.