Hoo boy.

I’ve been missing The Pedant a lot lately, or at least missing how he was when he was actually making an effort in the relationship. I’m a bit starved for sex and touch and D/s lately and also I miss feeling cared for. Bugs the shit out of me that The Pedant finally told me he loved me on the night we broke up. Better late than never, and I knew for ages that he felt it anyway without him having said it, but still…I would like to have had more time to revel in the fact that he finally said the words. But honestly I think he did things that way on purpose. He has a hard time saying “I love you” to anyone and it was probably easier to do it knowing he’d never be expected to say it again or prove it through his actions or anything. And/or he said it to keep me on the hook.

Anyway. As much as I feel our breakup was for the best, I’ve been feeling sad and nostalgic and vulnerable lately…and The Pedant just texted me offering to come over tomorrow and help me with some tech support on my laptop, and I said yes.

This is bringing up some thoughts and feelings for me.

First off, tomorrow is Christmas day. I spend Christmas alone at home and every fucking year that The Pedant and I were together, I invited him to come hang with me since he hates his family. And every single year he said no. Usually he contrived to be working that day, but that still left him free in the evening and he’d always end up doing the family dinner thing- texting me throughout to tell me how much he hated it – instead of coming over. I don’t understand why he would subject himself to his family when he didn’t have to but whatever, I like being alone – that part didn’t bother me.

 

(Recently-ish, he was spouting off some bravado bullshit about how he may live with his parents but he’s cowed them into submission and does whatever he feels like doing. I called him out on this, citing those Christmas dinners – clearly he does feel some fear and/or obligation with regards to his parents. And he outright lied to me and claimed that he hasn’t done the family dinner thing in years. Never try to pull this shit on someone with OCD and an eidetic memory. You will fail.)

Anyway after something like five years of inviting him over on Xmas and him saying no, suddenly he’s volunteering – but only after we’ve broken up. This feels a bit like deathbed repentance to me. Like it took us breaking up for him to suddenly realize that I’m not happy with how low I am on his priority list so now he’s putting in effort.

…Or, maybe it’s just a coincidence, who the fuck knows.

Another thought: I kinda want to fuck him.  And I don’t see him turning me down if I made my move. But really, in having sex with him I’d mostly be chasing the feelings I had back when things were good between us. I didn’t mind the horribly one-sided selfish sex when The Pedant was fully engaged with my life and doing sweet things for me outside of bed all the time. But that all stopped ages ago – as in months before we even broke up – and I kept on having sex with him that was shitty and one-sided, hoping to recapture the previous magic, but usually I just felt vaguely disappointed. I mean it’s fun to make him go all breathless and squrimy; it does play into my sense of dominance in a pleasing way. But he just…accepts that the natural order of things is that sex revolves entirely around him and his pleasure and it doesn’t even occur to him to question that or like touch me back without specifically being asked. And to top it off he falls asleep after in the middle of the bed. Every time. When I pointed out that, like, I sleep there too so could he maybe make room for me instead of passing out spread-eagled, he said “Just push me over.” Oh, so you’re not even gonna……okay then.

So like…I want to fuck him, I think (possibly seeing him in person will kill that urge, hard to say) but also I feel like that will just frustrate and disappoint me, and that he doesn’t deserve my awesome sexings. My awesome sexings are for boys who treat me nice. Nicer than he has been. So there.

But if I want to do a thing it seems silly to deny myself in order to punish him. And I can try to make the sex more egalitarian, if it happens. Chances are he’ll be on his best behaviour and trying to impress me so he might not immediately subside into a passive, laundry-like heap the moment I touch him. And if I do fuck him and wind up disappointed, that’ll just help me get over him faster.

Also! Dude has a huuuuuge thing for forbidden fruit/the thrill of the chase. With us ostensibly being “just friends” I bet he’ll just be dyyyyying to get the sex he’s not supposed to have with me. And I can fuck with him and wind him up and see how far I can push him before he snaps and admits he wants me. That would be satisfying as hell – in some ways more so if I can actually manage to keep it in my pants and be like “No, this is not a good idea, I can’t afford to get attached to you again because [list of things he does or doesn’t do].” Because, see, if I do that, he might actually change his behaviour in order to win me back (he did all kinds of things for a different ex that he wanted but couldn’t have).

If I were to actually take him back he’d probably start to suck again, but if I can kinda stay just out of reach (metaphorically), dangling the possibility of him making me fall for him again but never quite granting it…I bet I could make him jump through some hoops for me. And that would surely undo a lot of the feelings of misery and neglect he caused when we were together.

Of course, it’s possible he’s moved on and won’t actually be up for anything but providing the tech support he offered. Not likely, but possible. And so I’m kinda stressing out about that, too.

Not to mention stressing out about the fact that he’ll probably be late. Or maybe even end up fucking around at home for so long that he decides he’d better not come over at all.

I’m gonna try my best to just live my life tomorrow and not obsess on checking my texts etc but I’m not great at that – typically if I have plans of any kind for later in the day it’s impossible for me to do anything but pace around waiting for them to start, for some reason. I’m getting a bit better about that as I work at improving my physical and mental health but I’m by no means perfect. So we’ll see what happens.

 

 

5 Comments

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5 responses to “Hoo boy.

  1. Huh. I thought you were quite explicit about wanting a clean break before. *surprised *apprehensive

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