Everyone sucks.

TBH one of the reasons I’m nonmonogamous is so I’m not placing all my sex/romance needs on one person – if one partner isn’t available I want others I can go to when I need something.

This is not working right now. Everyone sucks and I’m suddenly realizing that they suck for the exact same reasons and it’s kind of eerie.

The Pedant, as we know, was difficult to nail down plans with and consistently arrived late. And his lateness spurred the argument that led to us breaking up.

I am touch-starved and sad and have been dying to curl up in someone’s arms for a while to recharge.

My first choice for this would be Mine. But Mine…is being difficult to nail down plans with. I asked him a week and a half ago if he could come over today (today being Friday and him having offered previously to come over some Friday this month). He didn’t answer me. I mean we had a few conversations via text, including him saying he missed me, but he didn’t ever say anything about Friday. Finally at the beginning of this week I was like “Hey you never told me if you could come over this Friday.” He apologized and said it’s just that he’s been working so much, Christmas rush and all that (he works retail) and “everything’s up in the air lately”. I said that’s fine, I understand, I would assume we won’t be seeing each other for a while, then. He listed off all the things he’s been up to lately at work that are making his life hectic (so, giving me a bunch of un-asked-for details to justify himself, just like The Pedant always did) but capped it by saying “I’ll know tomorrow night if I’m off this weekend.” I reiterated that I understand he’s busy and if he needs to spend his time off recuperating at home, I understand. He said he’s only had one day off in three weeks, which I took as confirmation that he’ll need to stay home, but then he said “I want to cuddle with you” so, okay, I guess he wants to come over if he’s off work.

Except two days went by and he didn’t follow up. It was Monday when he said he would know “by tomorrow night” if he’d be off on Friday or not, and “tomorrow night” came and went. And in the meantime I was holding Friday open for him when I could have been making other plans.

So by Wednesday I was pretty pissed off and texted him “well, no updates from you so that clinches it. I’ll be spending Friday by myself.”

He replied “I’m waiting to hear from my boss. She was going to let me know tonight.” No, Mine, she was going to let you know last night. But apparently she didn’t and instead of telling me that you opted to say absolutely nothing and waste my fucking time.

I probably should have just said that to him but the psycho asshole chick downstairs is always screaming at her partner about minutiae like that and I didn’t want to sound like her. Instead I texted back “We’ll reconnect in the new year. I imagine your work will have calmed down by then.” He has not responded and I honestly have no idea if it’s because he knows I’m angry and doesn’t wanna poke the bear or if he’s just derping away obliviously at his job with no idea what’s going through my mind at all.

I’m disappointed in him, though. I broke up with him back in the day for being too difficult to get time with. He knows I can’t stand unpredictability. And he says he misses me and he says he loves me so why is he not being more vigilant about at least keeping me in the loop, if not actually making time to see me?

Meanwhile, there’s that guy I saw a few times – I think I nicknamed him The Jock. The Jock is fun when he’s actually here, but (say it with me now) difficult to nail down plans with. I think we’ve gotten together twice – three times at most – and he’s cancelled on me three or four additional times. And TBH on at least two of those occasions his excuse for cancelling made my bullshit detectors go off big time. And he doesn’t really talk to me in-between times; he just pops up when he wants to get laid but then if seemingly anything else comes up in his life at all he’ll bail on me.

A couple weeks ago he popped up again, after such a long silence that I was sure he’d blown me off for good. As I said, I’ve been dying for touch and snuggles, so (perhaps against my better instincts) I said yes to his offer of coming over. One thing about The Jock that differentiates him from the other disappointing men in my life is that he at least always gets in touch asking if I’m free on a specific day, at a specific time.

So we made a plan but a few hours before he was supposed to come over, he told me he might be late because he was working on a paper for school that was due the next morning and he wasn’t nearly as close to finished as he’d expected to be by that point. I told him my huge pet peeve is waiting around for someone so if he wasn’t done his paper by 7pm (the time he was originally supposed to arrive) let’s just call it off, no harm no foul. To his credit he didn’t wait that long to tell me he wouldn’t be coming; he said it about an hour later, and apologized.

After that I was totally planning on just blowing him off for good, but he popped up again yesterday texting me that he wanted to come by tonight to massage and worship my body. If he’d only said “I wanna come over and play” or talked about craving purely selfish activities, I would have ignored his text. But goddammit he talked about petting and massaging me. And he gives hands-down the best foot massage I’ve ever had, and I store tons of tension in the arches of my feet. Like my feet have been aching really hard lately and nothing I can do myself gives me the relief that his hands do. So I said okay. But I also pointed out that at this point he’s cancelled more plans with me than he’s kept so if he cancels again I’m done with him.

He was supposed to be here for 7pm. Remember, I’d told him last time that waiting around for someone is a pet peeve for me, and told him before that if he canceled on me again I’d bail. He knew he was on thin ice. And indeed, at 5ish he texted me to confirm my address and then said “see you soon” so I had high hopes that he was actually gonna get his shit together this time.

As of 7:22 he still wasn’t here so I texted him saying “are you lost?”

He texted back “red or white wine?” and I was sitting there wondering if that text was meant for me or WTF when he sent a second text explaining that he was at the liquor store near my house.

Here’s the thing: if he simply wanted to bring me a token of his esteem, the proper way to do it would be to budget his time so he could pick something up and still get his ass over here by 7. I’m certain he’s bright enough to know this. I think he was running late, and knew that this was a very bad thing, so instead of opting to arrive a little late and empty-handed he opted to arrive moderately late with a don’t-be-mad bribe. The Pedant was also a big fan of the don’t-be-mad-I’m-late bribe, and I always, always would have preferred that he’d simply come here as soon as possible so we’d have more time together. But I never felt like I could tell him that because first I would have had to be upfront that I believed his little gift was a bribe and I don’t think he would have copped to that.

Anyway. I really wanted to tell The Jock to just forget it and go home, but I was afraid he’d kick up a fuss and I didn’t want to deal with that. So fine, whatever, I told him I like Bailey’s. When he finally arrived at 7:45 he handed me a bottle of Bailey’s but did not behave as though it was a communal thing that we would both sit and enjoy, nor did he take out some other kind of booze that was more to his liking. So this was not him buying booze to add ambiance to the evening or whatever. It was indeed a bribe-gift.

The naked stuff was fun but not worth the angst that The Jock gives me so I think I’m done with him. And probably done with all casual sex for the time being, for basically the same reason.

There’s another boy I’m seeing but he is legit busy and poor and told me he won’t be able to see me anytime soon. That sucks but I’m not angry at him. He was clear, at least.

And on a whole other note, shortly after the breakup with The Pedant, I texted Minx telling her that we broke up and that I was sad and could really use a pep talk. Nothing. A week later I was like “Y U NO LIEK ME :(” Nothing. Perhaps the idea of comforting me over the guy I dated directly after her* weirded her out. I’d prefer that she used her words and said so but fine, I wouldn’t belabour the point. Aside from wanting comfort over The Pedant, though, I did miss her and wonder how she’s been – we haven’t chatted in a while. So I changed the subject and texted her asking how her apartment hunt is going (her shitty roommate was driving her batty so for the time being she’s squatting in my friend Red’s place). Still nothing, so a day or two later I got frustrated and texted “Who do I have to kill for you to acknowledge that I exist? Is this even still your phone number or WTF?” and of course, still no word from her. Goddammit.

Anyway. It just seems so utterly ridiculous that almost every guy I’m seeing is so terrible at actually, y’know…seeing me. Two of these guys love me, allegedly, and yet I still feel like they could basically take or leave me. It’s making me feel a bit crazy, like the idea that loving someone means you’re excited to see them and will happily make concrete plans and show up for them on time is this wacky thing I made up.

I believe that if someone keeps attracting the same bad dynamic over and over, there’s a reason. On the other hand I’ve heard lots of other women complain about guys being this way. Like…lots. Of. Women. So I honestly don’t know if I should do some soul-searching to uncover the bad emotional pattern that’s making this stuff happen to me, or if most guys just have a casual disregard for for people’s time and it’s basically just an unfortunate fact of life.



*And partly during.






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6 responses to “Everyone sucks.

  1. Jwright

    Cowgirl, I have been following your writings for quite a while now. It is increasingly clear that your choice of lifestyle is very conducive to the ability to attract those who are unwilling, or unable to commit enough to keep their word when making plans. They may profess to have the same or similar goals as yourself (wanting a “relationship” with no real attachments other than honesty with a partner, and at the same time having a “real” relationship with a partner who is of the ilk of the other 90% of the world. You do know that the majority of the population wants a totally commited partnership, and even though you attempt to make it clear what it is that you want and demand, you will have to wade through a mountain of frogs to find the prince that will be the right one for you. Have you ever seriously considered the possibility of having a “more or less” NORMAL relationship where someone wakes up with you in the morning, goes to work, then at 6pm walks back into your life to enjoy your life with you? Sure, that sort of life does not allow for a life of sexual contact with whomever you find attractive, and sounds like it would not fulfill your core needs, but just sayin’. And I’m not judging, but it sounds like what you have is not working! I’m sorry if it sounds like I’m rambling here, but you, girl, are not happy!

    • You’re making the mistake of blaming the relationship style instead of the people. When I wrote that a lot of other women I know complain about men being flaky, I wasn’t talking about poly women. Oddly I don’t have very many poly or kinky women in my social circle. It’s regular, monogamy-seeking, vanilla chicks I hear complaining about this. And I’ve had issues finding the kinds of relationships I wanted no matter WHAT I was looking for. So, stupid dating shenanigans might be a me-thing or it might be a guys-in-general thing but I can tell you it’s not specifically a poly thing.

      Also, if being monogamous was a guarantee of everything being simple and awesome and working out perfectly, every monogamous person would still be with their first girlfriend or boyfriend. 😛

  2. “like the idea that loving someone means you’re excited to see them and will happily make concrete plans and show up for them on time is this wacky thing I made up.”

    I don’t think it is, and it isn’t in my experience, but then I am far away enough that cultural differences might be at play.

    But also, people in my vicinity, whether friends or casual lovers or long-term partners know that I am introvert as hell, and treat time with me as a rather precious thing, in part because they know it is not that easy to come by maybe. If anyone flaked on me the way you describe above more than once I don’t think I would bother making plans with them anymore. And flexible plans like “I’ll do this thing and come when I am done (but not sure when)” or “I might come by after work (if I am not too tired)” would stress me out too much to consider them in most situations.

  3. I’ve also learned the hard way that continuing to make efforts to meet nice friendly people more, like invites to hang out apart from job/uni/whatever brought us into contact in the first place, when those people can’t make it the first few times (say, 2-3), and never make any invites themselves, is not worth it. They may be really nice people, and actually like me and just genuinely not have had time when I asked or not come up with the thought of inviting me in return, buuuuuuuuut it will still fuck me up too much to continue trying.

    • I fully agree that a person might not mean to be flaky or rude but it’s still just better for one’s health to cut them loose.

      My problem is that all the guys in this post were okay in the beginning. They were on their best behaviour and showed up on time. But then once I was hooked on the making out etc I guess they relaxed and let their real, flaky selves run wild, and by then it was difficult for me to let go.

      When someone has a hard time managing to see me right from the get-go, it’s fairly easy for me to cut them off.

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