So the most recent dumbassery with this guy I’m meeting tonight is we were texting last night and I mentioned that sometimes I pose for art classes in costume and that when I’m in a wig and makeup I look completely unlike myself and people don’t even recognize me. I guess it came up that one of the schticks I do is a cabaret singer sorta thing. He asked what that entailed, costume-wise. I said a long black skirt, a black tank top, heels, a red wig, and red lipstick. And he was all “Whoa. I need a minute after that” and then a few minutes later claimed that he’d had a cold shower because that outfit just sounded so hot.
I debated replying “Am I supposed to be flattered that you think I’d be hot if I looked nothing like myself, or…?” but ultimately just didn’t say anything at all and eventually he texted me on some different topic and we went from there.
Like I know I have baggage around being misgendered because of my hair and also dudes whining that I’m not “feminine enough” or whatever but he is being kind of rude, right? I had just finished telling him that I am unrecognizeable in a wig and makeup and five minutes later he’s telling me that his mental picture of me in a wig and makeup is hot. Also, it’s hella weird for me that my straightforward description was such a big damn deal to him. If me just saying the words “red lipstick and heels” gives him a boner then I have a feeling he fetishizes performative femininity to a degree that will not work for me. Also he was kind of sexualizing me without my consent. I was telling him about what I do for a living, and although that cabaret singing character is meant to be kinda sexy, it’s still just a performance I’m doing for work. Him telling me he wants to jerk off to my work persona is not especially welcome.
Another annoying thing is that he started that particular spate of texting by saying “we can talk about kink some more if you want. Or not. Whatever.” I’ve had a lot of guys be like that – broach the subjects of kink or sex while openly acknowledging that these are topics that might be uncomfortable or too forward for me. So why did they bring them up?
I mean, look. The idea that all men are horndogs – false though it is – is saturated through our entire culture. I promise you there are basically no women, dominant or otherwise, who talk to a suitor and really want to talk about sex or kink but aren’t sure if it would be welcome. We pretty much assume that anytime we want to start being explicit about that stuff, the dude we’re talking to will be perfectly enthusiastic about it (or, worst-case scenario, not want to go there yet but not feel threatened or pushed, either). So just STFU AND LET US BRING SHIT UP WHEN WE FEEL LIKE IT. Because when you keep trying to steer things there with a woman, she probably will feel threatened or pushed.
At this point, when it comes to dating, I am in a dilemma where on one hand I worry that I’m too picky but on the other hand I worry that I’m not picky enough. Sometimes people who initially didn’t catch my fancy that much turn out to be great (my first meeting with The Bunny was pretty “meh” as I recall…); sometimes the qualities we think we want in someone turn out not to be the things that actually work for us. On the other hand, I’ve never ever had a red flag turn out to be nothing, and this guy has so far given red flags for being way overly eager, a bit pushy, and not being super great at listening to me when I tell him what I want. Like honestly his first message to me on FL was to ask me if I’m looking for partners now and my profile openly says that I am. I was tempted to just block him for that alone, but thought that would be too bitter and paranoid. But the flags just keep on coming so…
I suppose the happy medium is to immediately drop the hammer when someone shows a red flag, but to try to be more open-minded with anyone who shows appropriate courtesy etc but may not initially seem hot or compatible.
On a side note, remember me mentioning earlier that I have baggage about not being seen as feminine enough or womaning correctly? I found an insanely hot chick on Fetlife who wants a makeout partner and I messaged her volunteering my services. But she specified wanting femmes. So…that may have been stupid. But I have a lingering hope that women are less annoying and rigid in the way they define femme-ness than men are. Like maybe to your average gay or bi lady, my extreme hourglass figure and delicate features would read as “feminine” to them whereas men just fixate on “dress, heels, and long hair y/n?”
I’ll let you all know how my date with this vaguely red-flaggy dude goes. I’m kind of just doing it to get it over with at this point; I don’t think it’s likely to become anything.