Postscript

The Fetlife dude did continue writing to me, but I feel he had less enthusiasm than he did before he saw my pics. And he didn’t give me a compliment the way most people do. Like, I feel it’s traditional/polite to say “Oh, you have a great smile” or whatever after receiving someone’s face pic – unless of course you decide their face is a dealbreaker and you go with “Sorry, you’re not my type, let’s not meet up after all,” instead. I’d made a point of telling dude he was cute even though TBH my impression was “totally average, wouldn’t look twice at him on the street, but if we hit it off he’d start looking hot to me so good enough.”

More concerning, though, is an exchange we had yesterday that kinda never stopped weighing on my mind: dude’s pic delivery method was a link to his dating profile on another site. I noticed his profile there said that he wanted kids*. The profile was also very long-term-relationship oriented, as is his FL profile; he seems to be looking for something serious, not just to mess around (and at the moment so am I, really, and for once here was a guy almost my age who was bright and interesting, so I thought he might have potential in that direction). So I said, “I have to mention that your profile says you want kids and I absolutely do not. I’m poly anyway so that doesn’t especially faze me – if I fall madly in love with someone who wants kids he can have ’em with someone else without having to actually break up with me. 🙂 But I’m putting it out there in case it’s a dealbreaker for you.”

He said, “I understand and respect you not wanting any. The only trick would be if I met someone who did want kids and she isn’t poly. What do I do then? This isn’t something I think needs to be really worried about yet, but down the road is something that would likely need discussion because I wouldn’t want to be the cause of anyone’s hurt.”

I was taken aback by this but couldn’t immediately put my finger on why, and then the conversation wandered off elsewhere.

But today I realized what was bothering me: the wording. What would he do if he met someone mono who wanted kids. Not what would he do if he started dating someone who wanted kids and he fell for her big time and suddenly she decided she couldn’t handle polyamory anymore, and made an ultimatum. He’s making it sound like he wants kids so much that he would immediately throw away a deep, established relationship for just a chance at doing the kids thing with someone else.

I asked him why he’d even go out with someone monogamous if he were in a poly relationship, anyway. He’d know that sooner or later she would make an ultimatum that he’d have to break up with whoever else he was seeing. Why would he even put himself in that position?

He said, “I’ve never been with someone who is poly, and I’ve never been with a dominant female, so this is all new to me. The two things that pop into my mind would be that I am used to monogamous relationships because they are all I have experienced, and that I know I want to have a child. I know that there are poly people who want kids too, but alas, you are not one of them. So the thought popped into my mind of what if I meet someone who happens to not be poly and wants kids. That’s what could cause an issue.”

And this is exactly it: he’s brand new to kink and polyamory. I was worried from the getgo about him being new to kink: newbie submissive dudes usually got most of their ideas from porn and can’t yet reconcile the idea that dominant women are people – not bitchy corset models – and that you can have an actual relationship with one that encapsulates all the lovey-dovey supportive life partner stuff and all the kink stuff in one package. Newbie subs also pose a flight risk because they’re often conflicted about their urges and struggling with the idea that they’re less of a man and blah blah blah. So I was automatically on high alert for signs of Madonna-whore complex.

But now it turns out he’s also new to poly, and I guess just going with the flow because he knows I’m poly. Guys who are new to polyamory often seem to mistake it for doing the “dating around/casual fucking until you find the person you want to settle down with” thing. Also he just…really seems to have a skewed idea of how this all works. So skewed that I don’t know where to begin in explaining it all. I don’t think I have the energy.

I’ve already had at least two or three times when a newbie sub (who swore he was cool with trying polyamory) seemed really into me, and I was really into him, but then he bolted the moment some nice, safe vanilla mono chick expressed interest in him. I’m tired of being the whore in guys’ Madonna-whore scenarios. I’m tired of guys telling me I’m amazing and gave them experiences they’d dreamed about for most of their lives buttttttt they want a real relationship so…….(and then sniffing around me later, all mournful because they’re not really getting all their needs met by their vanilla girl, surprise surprise…)

And this guy – without seeming to realize it – pretty much told me flat out that even if we fell in love and were dating long-term, he’d toss me aside like a piece of trash if a potential babymama came along.

He doesn’t seem to be consciously thinking of me as expendable, and he’s aware that he could cause a lot of heartache by attempting poly but backsliding into monogamy, so I wasn’t mean to him or anything. But I did tell him that I’d decided his general newbie-ness was problematic for me and I was gonna have to cancel that date. He took it well. Probably relieved to have an “out.” I’m fairly sure he didn’t find me attractive but was just hanging in there to save face (he’d given me a whole huge speech about how someone’s soul is the most important thing to him) or because I’m the first dominant who’s shown interest in him.

Oh but also, even before the whole pic debacle and before the “new to poly” stuff, he told me he’d had a sexy dream about me and mentioned that in the dream I was wearing tights and my ass looked great in them. *Sigh.* Cool story bro but hosiery is not featured anywhere in my profile or pics and you have no idea what my actual ass looks like. He’s basically just projecting his sexual fantasies onto me and then telling me about it like it’s relevant or flattering. Okay, so you pictured a hot ass in tights; what does that have to do with me? And weirdly enough he’s not the first guy to tell me shit like that.

Like, to be clear, if a suitor had a dream that was actually about me I’d find it terribly sweet. But this…is not that.

I’m gonna see if one of my boy toys can come over on Friday now that I have the evening free.

 

*also that he was an “occasional smoker” which is…not great.

2 Comments

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2 responses to “Postscript

  1. trillian

    I normally wouldn’t say this but I feel you are making a mistake (maybe not with this guy but possibly in general): you already know so much what you want and how you want it, that you are pretty much excluding everyone at the sign of the smallest scratch on the glass… i’d say give people a chance even if there are red flags,I feel this guy was trying to be genuine and honest and that should be valued a lot more than whether he’s a perfect match or didn’t know what’s a turn off for you. that youcan teach him later. (there are upsides to newbies aren’t there? 🙂 )

    • Yeah but you can see the difference between “he’s blonde and I want a brunette” vs “he has flat out told me that he’ll only experiment with poly until someone mono comes along”, right?

      I was willing to meet him even though his looks didn’t especially captivate me, even though he’s a smoker and I hate cigarette smoke, even though he’s into being humiliated for wearing panties and I have serious reservations about guys who think femininity is humiliating. I think I’m doing fine on the “trying to be open minded and give people a chance” front.

      I agree that he was being honest and genuine with me, but what he was being honest and genuine about is that he has no idea how poly works and will probably ditch me for something more comforting and familiar if it presents itself. I appreciate his honesty but being honest on its own doesn’t oblige me to dole out reward-pussy.

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