Sad thoughts

I know it might be weird but the whole time I was deciding to acquire a new bed and Mine was designing and building it, I was super excited to show The Pedant. Partly for practical reasons: it’s bigger than my previous bed and equipped with a bunch of bondage tie-downs*. Partly for emotional reasons: The Pedant has made comments over the years about the state of my apartment – not being hugely disparaging, I always felt that he accepted me as I am, but juuuust kind of acknowledging that it is messy and overcluttered – and I was eager to demonstrate to him that I’m taking steps to radically change and declutter the space (the bed is tall enough to put my dressers under, so it’s a huge game-changer for me).

And now it’s increasingly feeling as though he may not ever actually see the new bed, let alone use it with me.

Also in light of our current, probably relationship-breaking argument in which my asking him to just try to maybe start making changes to a destructive behaviour pattern of his has thrown him into a tizzy and made him rage and panic and withdraw, I feel kinda stupid for my eagerness to prove myself to him, anyway. This is who I wanted to impress with my capacity for change? A guy who’s in a complete state of entropy and in denial about it?

The Pedant is – as I have said before – very into projecting and believing a certain image of himself. That image is one of (among other things) a capable adult.

But he’s in his thirties and still living with his parents.

He never learned to drive (I don’t care, and I don’t drive either, and we live in a city with decent transit so it doesn’t matter, but driving is a hallmark of adulthood for people generally).

He can’t manage his money for shit.

He doesn’t have a credit card (can’t get approved due to debts owing, I believe) so when he wants to order stuff online he has to ask a friend to do it and he’ll pay them back.

He’s chronically late to a point where I can only think he’s in constant fear of getting in trouble at work (and of pissing off friends and partners). But when I ask him to change he becomes so uncomfortable at being called out that instead of saying “Yes, I am going to try to fix the lateness, here is my game plan” he lashes out at me for making him uncomfortable/violating his pristine image of himself.

He is not adulting well. At all.

The funny thing is, I’ve always known all of these things about him (except for the lashing out part). Everyone has their issues. Obviously I have pretty huge adulting shortcomings, myself. So I loved him. I fully knew that he probably lives with his parents because he’s afraid of being independent, and I loved him. I saw him fucking up all manner of opportunities by being late, and I loved him.

What’s making me feel distant and detached isn’t the fuckups he works so hard to disguise. It’s the fact that he’s disguising them. Particularly when I call one of them out and he still won’t acknowledge it.

 

 

* Well okay the frame is bigger (I need to upgrade my mattress to match) and there were supposed to be tiedowns but Mine didn’t put them on yet. BUT STILL.

1 Comment

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One response to “Sad thoughts

  1. Brian

    Just occurred to me that managing a relationship is all about managing changes. People are (usually) constantly changing. so you may meet somebody, find that your lives, at the moment, are on similar paths. But over months or years even, we all change. Different directions, different rates, different motivations.

    You are changing, the Pedant – not so much. Is it a problem? That’s your call.

    ps- 35 years of marriage (we started young) and I’m just now seeing that. Talk about slow to change!

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