Ew and ugh.

I coughed up blood last night.

TMI description follows; skip this paragraph if you get grossed out by stuff easily. I kept waking myself up coughing and then suddenly one of these coughs flung a huge loogie up into my mouth. I had not been congested or anything so that was unexpected. Fucking thing felt the size of an oyster. Anyway I had a stack of blank paper next to me on the bed from making a shopping list before sleep, and rather than disengage from my comfy blankets and go to the bathroom, I just spit the loogie out on that. And even in the dim middle-of-the-night light of the room I could see that it was red.

I’m not worried, particularly. I’m still coughing today a bit, but I don’t in any way feel coughing-up-blood levels of sick, and indeed it hasn’t happened again. I wasn’t even coughing hard enough to have ruptured something in my throat or whatever. My best guess is I got a nosebleed during the night and was lying on my back so the blood just kinda…collected. I used to get nosebleeds all the time when I was a kid and sometimes I still do.

In other news, The Pedant has still not come up with a time to come talk things out and mend the relationship. And he’s basically being totally silent in general – no phone calls, no texts. When the neighbour thing went down and I freaked out and asked him what I should do, he answered me. But that’s it.

It’s been a week or so since I told him to let me know when we could talk things out. That strikes me as a pretty long time to let things hang. And I’m annoyed as shit at how thoroughly he seems to have withdrawn from me. But he’s allegedly working long hours lately and has a fungal infection so I’m gonna give it another week or so before I say anything. But at this point I am legit wondering if he’s just gonna never ever volunteer to come see me and our four(?) year relationship will just fizzle without a distinct end.

I’m torn because if I drop the hammer to get some closure, he’ll likely rationalize it as me being overly emotional or whatever. Like his narrative, forever and ever, will be that I’m flighty and easily riled and I left him over a stupid tiny fight about keys. So I kind of want to make him break up with me, if indeed that’s where this is going. Like I’m open to still dating him if he can return to the level of attentiveness etc. that I need, but if he’s so angry at me for making him confront a thing he doesn’t like about himself that he sees me as a source of discomfort and can’t be around me ever again, I want him to fucking say it. Or say whatever stupid bullshit rationalization he’ll come up with to avoid the truth. But either way I want him to be the one to say he’s giving up on this.

Except on the other hand getting dumped is hard on the ego and affords me much less control over things than if I just end it myself.

And then again some part of me still kinda wants to fuck him if the opportunity comes up – and I am so thoroughly not in love with him right now that I could completely handle casually fucking him. I think. And I can’t make myself believe that he’ll literally never offer to come over again, y’know? I keep thinking that if I go entirely silent and he continues being all withdrawn n shit, maybe in a few months he’ll kind of assume the relationship is over but ask me for coffee in a friendly sort of way and I can jump him. But then again a big part of why I liked the sex so much is that I had feelings for him, so it probably wouldn’t be the same.

 

 

 

 

 

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