Beginning of the end?

The Pedant is being such a passive-aggressive dickwad.

A few days ago I was really backed up for touch and sex so I messaged him asking if he could spare some time the next night for a visit. Then I immediately regretted it because a) he’s being a douchewagon lately, particularly with his snarky assertion that he’ll work on his lateness thing by not seeing me as often. Feels like a power play and I didn’t want to set myself up to be rejected. Plus things with us are kind of fraught lately anyway. b) Historically he has not been great at lavishing attention on me – and being lavished with attention was what I was craving. Not lavishing attention on him and not receiving perfunctory attention from him while he asked “feeling better?” every five seconds, just waiting for me to tell him he could stop. c) I’ve been working a lot of morning shifts lately and they burn me out. If he did agree to crash here on the night I wanted, he would have to work in the morning and I had the day off. I didn’t want to miss my chance to sleep in.

So five minutes after inviting him over, I messaged him again saying actually on second thought I didn’t want to be woken by his alarm on my day off so I’d try to get my needs met elsewhere, instead.

I think this must have made him jealous, or angry that he didn’t have a chance to pull a power trip by rejecting me, or something – within half an hour, he randomly replied to a weeks-old email that we’d already talked about in person. It did not need a reply particularly. And the email was kind of pointlessly mean. I’d look it up and transcribe it here but I’m just so very tired of this whole thing. Meh.

Somewhere in our recent email chain it came up that he knows he could be better at punctuality if he packed his knapsack for each visit the night before…except he already does that almost every day for work, so he resents having to do so on his days off.

Yeah. He’s late coming over all the time because he can’t be bothered to throw some shit in a knapsack the night before.

Shit like this is why I wanna throat-punch people who claim men will do anything for pussy. Because when The Pedant arrives at my house, usually I want to fuck him first and foremost. For an extended amount of time. And I’m good at it. But The Pedant has had about a million times when he came over hours later than he initially said he would and it was a work night so we had to either cut the sexual festivities short or not have them at all.

He’s also still harping on how much he hates it when I grope him and giggle, and has expanded this to hating that sometimes I laugh at my own jokes.

So finally I was like, okay, so you resent the basic preparations involved in coming to see me and you hate when I express joy in things that make me happy. Awesome. Do you even wanna be in this relationship?

He, of course, sidestepped my direct fucking question once again. He just elaborated on the things he’d already said and then told me we’d talk more later.

Not long after that, he sent me his work schedule for the coming week (as he’s been doing for a few months now). I compared it with mine and was going to suggest some times for us to get together and try to hash things out, but then I didn’t. Instead I sent him my schedule for this week, and a note saying that since he’s said he’ll only come over now when circumstances make it easy to be on time, and I can’t guess when that might be, it was up to him to suggest a time for us to talk.

A day or two went by with no word from him at all, and I stewed, wondering if this relationship is even important to him or what. By coincidence we both have Friday off – I can’t even remember the last time we both had a day off at the same time. That square on my calendar seemed to glow with portent. Take advantage of the Friday, Pedant. Come on.

Finally he did reply, telling me he had been going to come over the next day but then work changed his schedule on him so he couldn’t. He said that he was now well into overtime hours so probably his employer would cancel one of his other shifts this week to even things out, and he’d know soon.

On one hand, I liked that he’d proposed a day much sooner than our mutual day off this Friday. It made me think that maybe I’m important to him, after all. But notice how he just declared that he’d been going to come over instead of asking me if I was free. The day in question had been this past Saturday. The schedule I’d sent him started at Monday, on purpose, because my weekend was fully booked up.

And now a few more days have gone by. Today is Monday – he and I actually both worked until 4:30pm, unless his work changed shit around on him again – but he did not suggest coming over. And Friday still sits on my calendar, empty and glowing.

The Pedant and I have been an item for I think four years now altogether. He has told me he loves me. I’ve told him I saw long-term potential in him. The fuck can he possibly be doing on Friday that’s more important than salvaging our relationship? I’m increasingly paranoid that he really doesn’t see me as important, so he’ll schedule the big talk only when it’s convenient – like when there’s literally nothing else he might feel like doing.

I’m just not even going to initiate contact with him whatsoever. We’ll see if he ever bothers getting in touch with me and scheduling a time to talk like he said he would. In the meantime I have nothing to say to him.

It still both amazes and infuriates me that The Pedant has whined about most relationship issues being too complicated for him to understand – he says he doesn’t seem to feel the same range of emotions as most people, so when a partner starts explaining how she’s feeling about stuff that happened, it’s mostly lost on him. Fair enough – but in this case he’s the one complicating this simple fucking thing.

Friday will be the one-month anniversary of me saying to him that I was unhappy but he could fix it by a) making a copy of my keys and b) beginning to take baby steps toward working on his chronic lateness.

I told him I was unhappy. I told him how to make me happy again. The most immediate part of that plan – the cutting of the keys – would take like five bucks and half an hour out of his life. The “fix your lateness” part is harder, but I made it clear that I didn’t expect results immediately and I offered to help him formulate a game plan. Basically I told him I had an issue and then gave him an easy solution wrapped in a great big bow. You’d think he would comprehend the emotions of “happy” and “unhappy” that I spoke of. You’d also think he would be overjoyed that all he had to do to make me happy, in the short term, was get some keys cut and use those to let himself in when he was late. I mean how much of a get-out-of-jail-free card is that?

Instead: three solid weeks of gaslighting and passive-aggressive threats. He has mentioned no fewer than five times that he feels “contempt” for people who object to his lateness, or who insist pn punctuality generally (never saying he feels contempt for me, of course. He was quite insistent that he doesn’t feel contempt for me. Just for people who do exactly what I’m doing). He’s mentioned once or twice that he has no problem with lateness (never actually coming out and saying “It’s not a big deal that I’m hours late all the time so stop being crazy” buttttt…).

Last week I asked him via text if he’d gotten keys cut yet and he said he hoped to get it done within the next couple of days. I let my guard down and gushed that he has no idea what a game-changer that’ll be for me and that the thought of him having keys he’ll actually have on his person and use basically dissolves a knot of tension I’ve had in my chest for a very long time. And I pointedly added “Imagine: an investment of like five bucks to make me THAT relieved and happy. It’s nice when issues are so simple to solve.”

He replied, “I’m having too much trouble imagining the upset to imagine the relief.” Because him wasting hours of my life being late coming over isn’t a big deal, I suppose, and he can’t be expected to ever grasp that it is, even when I tell him.

I reminded him of my description of what it’s like for me when he’s late – how I feel like I’m in limbo, waiting by the phone for his “I’m here” text, and unable to shower or sleep or go anywhere or really even get immersed in a movie. And I reiterated that keys would fix that.

He said “*sigh* the description honestly didn’t sound as unpleasant to me as ‘long term knot in chest’ does.” I was like whatever, I don’t care if you understand how I feel. I only care that you believe I’m unhappy and are willing to take the necessary steps to alleviate that. He said “…alrighty then.”

Pretty sure he brought up the phrase “knot in your chest” another time or two after that. As in, “To say that you have a knot in your chest over this seems kind of extreme.” “I had no idea you were feeling like you had a knot in your chest all this time.” “I still can’t get over the idea that me not always arriving on time gives you a knot in your chest.” (PLZ GASLIGHT ME HARDER, PEDANT) But you guys – he still hasn’t gotten the keys cut. (Or if he has, he hasn’t told me. But he would tell me.) Like it almost feels as though he’s refusing to do it, now, because he thinks my stress over the issue is an overreaction and he won’t indulge me.

I’m just entirely sick of this shit.




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16 responses to “Beginning of the end?

  1. play

    Ugh. I am sending all the nicest distractions your way to ease the stewing & aid with relaxing in spite of everything. On your wonderful new bed! The bed sounds awesome 🙂

    • play

      Also, all the gaslighting and such kinda sounds like some giant amount of procrastination on the Pedant’s part, like doing anything he can to avoid confronting himself with something. Possibly a giant ball of shame. If true, that gives not the nicest prognosis, unless there is a therapist involved or some sort of determination to work on oneself, or get to know oneself better. And the pedant seems to sit squarely in a fort of “there is nothing wrong with me everybody else is just nuts”. So, ugh.

    • Oh I am SO in love with this bed.

      It kind of “broke the seal” though and now I’m dying to update my apartment in other ways. Ways that require money (big money, in most cases) so I can’t really do them yet. But gahhhhhh I want to!!!

  2. Brian

    What Play said . . . Dude’s in denial and has no appreciation for other peoples time, feelings or efforts. I really don’t see him improving on anything.

  3. jooyous

    I think this is him sorta subconsciously interpreting you helping him formulate a gameplan as overstepping. Like, if it was conscious, he could articulate “back off plz.” But it’s not, so he’s weaseling in ways that are extra-elaborate and daaaamaging.

    This is hard to understand because he does a totally similar thing for you when you feel anxious. But it’s not registering that way for him.

    Questions: (1) If you made the keys yourself and they weren’t pink or whatever, do you think he’d actually use them? (2) If you made the keys yourself and he actually used them and he never brought up this issue again, would that heal the damage it did? Like, every time he let himself in, would it bring up this stuff all over again?

    • Maaaaaybe he feels infantilized by me offering to help. I know he has a HUGE thing about feeling vulnerable or feeling like a kid.

      Mostly though I think his chronic lateness itself gives him that icky feeling because he knows he’s not adulting well. But he doesn’t know how to fix it, so he’s cultivated a cool, detached, “look why is being late even a big deal? I don’t live by my watch like YOU squares” persona to cover for his adulting

      Or maybe he has some ideas for how to fix it but the thing is, deciding to commit to changing yourself is scary. It means admitting that you care. And then if you fail, everyone knows that you cared about a thing but fucked it up.

      So for years now he’s successfully avoided thinking of himself as, well, kind of a fuckup. And now I’m making him confront it. And he’s rebelling.

      • jooyous

        I think you’re probably right, but when you’re able to articulate it like that, you put some distance/abstraction between it. I don’t think he’s there with you. I think there’s no amount of “I realize you probably feel X” that you can say because it’ll just tap into reminding that he feels nebulous pain oww nooo stop thrash thrash.

      • Brian

        But isn’t he in his 30’s and living with his parents? What’s that say about how well he’s “adulting”?

        • Oh, I know.

          He rationalizes that by telling me all the time how he’s bullied his parents into doing whatever he wants, so he’s the boss of them.

          I totally need to check my Blackberry Messenger records from 11 months ago (never piss off a chick with OCD) and verify but I SWEAR last Christmas (and maybe the one before) he had dinner with his family and bitched to me about it the whole time. When I called him out on that recently though he denied it. I think he may be lying to me.

          …Huh. I thought I blogged about this lie but I can’t find it. I did find this post, written soon enough after Xmas that I surely must be remembering the details correctly:

    • Oh right, you asked me stuff. 🙂

      1) I think he’d use them? He used the pink ones before, when he remembered to take them with him. At this point though we seem to be in a battle of wills so maybe he’d be passive aggressive about the key thing.

      2) him letting himself in would help heal my upset feelings quite a bit. BUT, the part where *I* cut them for him is a sticking point for me. I gave him perfectly functional keys. He’s choosing not to use them. That’s HIS problem to solve. Also at this point I’m feeling like he’s not willing to put any work into the relationship at all so I refuse to do it for him. It’s a minor errand that I’ve said would make me exponentially happier in the relationship. EXPONENTIALLY. And this man, who has gone to concerts or clubbing after working a 12 hour shift on several occasions, is claiming that he just can’t find the time. Bullshit.

    • Also for him to use the hypothetical non-pink keys that I cut, he’d have to see me and get them.

      And at this point I’m somewhat wondering if I’ll ever even hear from him again.

      • jooyous

        So the thing I was trying to get at before is: I know that for the keys are a sticking point for you, and they’re a reasonable one. But for you, they’re at least *verbal*. Whereas for him it’s hitting some sort of weird nerve that he doesn’t know where it is, so he’s like thrashing around wildly. Like, for example, imagine trying to teach your dog to not pee on the carpet, and suddenly it looks all wild and runs around and chews at itself and foams at the mouth and you’re like O_O “.. but I just wanted this reasonable thing.” So the question I’m asking is like, if you were to un-stick the sticking point with the keys and everything *did* go the way you wanted it to, would that be enough to undo the damage done by all the flipping out?

        • Ohhhh sorry I get you now.


          I’m not sure. Also even if it undoes the damage from the flipping out, it still won’t undo the mounting damage of him not being willing to get keys cut in the first place.

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