The other night, The Pedant crashed here solely as a convenience because my place is closer to his job than his is and he had a late shift and an early shift back to back. It’s obvious by how he framed it that he wanted to crash here, not visit me per se. Which is fine; I’m glad to help. But he just had to make a bunch of little digs about how I’d have to somehow keep my hands off him and refrain from fucking him.
Those little jokes pissed me off and this made me realize: I base a lot of my idea of myself around the fact that I have enormous self-control. He kept implying that I don’t – thereby doubting or negating one of the qualities I value most in myself. I did not like it.
He didn’t request that I sleep separately from him or anything. First off it’s my apartment so I don’t think he’d dare be so rude. Secondly he knows that I’m an insomniac and that having him next to me often helps me fall asleep (he even said later that he thought he could sort of “repay” my hospitality by helping me sleep better).
I’d had a really rough day that had stirred up all my anxiety and my shoulders were so tense they hurt. When he got here I asked him to massage me for a bit. He did (and asked me if I was feeling better literally every 15 seconds or so, which was a record even for him and the next time it happens I’ll call him out on it because wtf) and then he lay on his back on the bed and pulled me down so I was cuddled up to the side of him with my head on his chest. I had a little stress-release cry (which he seemed to recognize for what it was, and he shut up and held me through it – a thing he always claims he can’t do) and then focused on trying to doze off.
Except that the proximity of my naked body was clearly turning The Pedant on without me even doing anything.
My arm was slung across his midsection. As I concentrated on my breathing and tried to relax…I suddenly became aware of his erect cock tapping insistently on my elbow. 😀 I don’t know if he was so turned on that it was pulsating or if he was flexing over and over again on purpose to try to get my attention, but yeah.
But he’d told me ahead of time that he needed to sleep and I’d just have to rein in my libido somehow, so I completely ignored this. An erection isn’t consent, after all.
A minute later I shifted the position of my legs and just my foot brushing against his made him moan. I casually shifted my arm so my elbow was away from his cock – incidentally running my hand up his arm in the process – and that made him moan, too. And okay, I’ll admit it, I knew by then that he wanted to fuck me but I’ll be damned if I would start anything up and prove his theory that I have no control with him.
And so I entered a battle of wills with him. I don’t think he knew it was a battle of wills. But I set out to make him use his words to ask for sex, without doing anything particularly sexual. I started cozily, companionably running my hand over his arm or stomach – places that are not thought of as erogenous zones. Just intermittently. He started moaning pretty much constantly. He caressed my back and arm in return, and I sighed and moaned as I always do when caressed; it’s not specifically sexual, he’s petted me to sleep like that many times and I’ve made the same sounds.
The Pedant shifted my arm to rest further up his torso, apparently so he could gain access to caress the side of my breast. Eventually his hand strayed delicately to my face (which just melts me omfg I had to rein in my response very carefully there) and even pushed his fingers into my mouth briefly. Then lifted my jaw and we kissed for a little bit. I kept waiting for him to push my hand onto his cock or nipple or tell me he wanted to have sex, but he did not. After a little kissing I went back to resting my head on his chest and just held still and tried to sleep again, but The Pedant continued making a steady stream of moans and whimpers even with me just lying there.
This whole charade had been going on for at least ten minutes. It seemed that if I didn’t break our stalemate it could go on a lot longer – which would normally be fun but he did need to sleep. It was around 1am by that point and he had to get up at 6:30.
I kissed his cheek and murmured in his ear “Do you want me to leave you alone so you can get some sleep?”
“No,” he said. And so I finally allowed myself the freedom to TOUCH ALL THE THINGS. In retrospect I wish I’d antagonized him just a wee bit more – pointing out his rude comments before and basically telling him to concede that I am the champion of control. Oh well.
“You have me too well-trained,” he said as I started kissing his nipples. “Just lying in your bed makes me crave being tied up and coming for your pleasure.” I am highly ambivalent about that particular approach to dirty talk. It’s…not unhot. I mean I guess he’s saying that all the hot sex with me has made him associate my bed with the sex, but technically his words skirt around the idea of me being hot or sexy or talented and make it sound like his body is just doing this automatic thing because mattress. Also I do love it when he comes but I think he may be a bit too convinced that it’s all I really need out of an encounter. The time before that that he was over, we were cuddling and I petted his chest and he instantly rolled spread-eagle on his back like I’d pushed a button. Like “Yay! It’s time to lie here like a beached whale while the nice lady pays attention to me!” I’ve gotten out of the habit of insisting on participation and reciprocation and I’m frankly feeling a bit taken for granted. I need to fix this.
Anyway. I limited the sex to a quickie, and went without an orgasm of my own, so that he could sleep. When he came it was epic. I was leaning on his wrists (not wanting to take the extra time to get out the restraints and buckle them on) and I leaned in to kiss him and that apparently sent him over the edge. I caught his moans in my mouth as he slid his hands out from under mine and wrapped them around my hips – not clamping down to make me stop thrusting, as he sometimes does; just I guess seeking to be closer to me. I kept slowly thrusting to milk every last possible bit of pleasure out of him and he gave me a bunch of wracking full-body shudders. I’m ninety-nine percent sure I gave him a crygasm. He even swallowed a bunch of times during it (and the tear glands and salivary glands are connected; I’ve noticed that when I cry, my mouth fills with spit). I tried to back up and look him in the face and he pulled my head into the crook of his neck so I couldn’t. Prawr.
He then fell asleep still in the exact centre of the bed. Sigh.
I’ll admit that I’m feeling taken for granted lately. There’s the way he accepts all my sexual attention without offering any back; there’s the way he falls asleep in the actual middle of my bed as though there isn’t another human present who’s at least as big as he is*; there’s the way he used my face as an actual pillow the other night; there’s the way he states things instead of asking (“I’m gonna need to crash here again on Thursday.” “I’m gonna need you to run some errands for me because I got last-minute overtime tomorrow so I won’t have time.”).
Plus of course the last bunch of times I’ve seen him were practical “crashing at my place” nights where there wasn’t much time for us to hang out or anything (and we didn’t have sex except for the time mentioned above).
I had actually asked him to come over tonight; I have to get up really early tomorrow and was hoping he could lavish me with attention that would hopefully put me to sleep at a decent time. When I asked him this, I’d believed he was working another crazy early shift and we’d actually have to get up at the same time. Turns out that shift had been cancelled and he has tomorrow off – but he agreed to come pet me, anyway, and wake up at 6:30 for no good reason. That made me happy; I was frankly super surprised he’d volunteer to do that, what with his hectic schedule lately. I assumed that with him suddenly having the day off, he’d want to go home and sleep in.
And he does. He texted me this afternoon cancelling our plans.
I’m not super mad over the cancellation but I do feel like I need to address the imbalances I’m feeling sometime soon. Be more proactive on calling out his behaviour while it’s happening, and stuff. And demand to be the focus of attention more often in bed. Because that’s another thing – our D/s isn’t fulfilling me too much lately and I think it’s because it’s taken the form of me binding and gagging him while getting him off…and that’s about it. I’ve been weirdly timid about asserting myself to ask for things he’s less enthusiastic about, and as such I’m not feeling dominant, I’m feeling like a fantasy facilitator. I need to get my mojo back. But it’s a bit of a vicious cycle; feeling sexually used is somewhat killing my libido, which gives me less motivation to randomly be like “You! Come here and get me off now,” which makes me wanna watch him come in order to get me kickstarted, and then he’s asleep so I just take care of my own pleasure.
*I confronted him about this and he said “Just push me over when that happens.” Well, I guess that’s better than if he’d acted fully entitled to the whole bed and got cranky if I tried to claim my part of it. Still though. There are two of us. It’d not rocket science that after the sex he should scootch over.