The Pedant just stayed over for a couple of nights.
We’d texted briefly a while back about how much disclosure we want re: each others’ other partners (this was after I banged his friend The Dandy and immediately told him because it seemed like the thing to do). The consensus was that we don’t need to hear about every little thing, just stuff that might have an impact on our relationship.
I had assumed that The Pedant was casually dating or sexing some people, just like I have been, and we just hadn’t bothered saying anything about it because who cares. But recently he’s been making these very formal announcements that women are interested in him. Not that he’s fallen in love with someone (which to my mind is the main thing that might affect our relationship, and on my end I mostly wouldn’t bother telling him about anything less), just that someone he likes asked him out. So now I’m wondering whether he actually had a lot less stuff going on than I’d assumed.
Anyway. He told me a bunch of stuff about what he’s got going on partner-wise when he was over. And in the process, he mentioned that OtherGirl – the one from last summer that he decided to be monogamous with and kinda broke my heart – has finally responded to an email of his from ages ago. It wasn’t specifically a let’s-get-back-together email (although he’s open to that, I think). He just likes her and wants her in his life in whatever capacity she’ll offer. He also said that one of his suitors seems unsure about being poly and he wonders whether she’ll demand monogamy of him as they begin to get closer. All of which made my stomach go a little bit floopy.
I mean, the news about OtherGirl breaking her silence made me say “Oh, good!” warmly and genuinely. He was really sad about that whole thing imploding and now at least it seems like she’ll be friends with him, and I want him to be happy. Also, since he’d already tried to do the monogamy thing with her in particular but couldn’t manage to stay away from me, I feel like she doesn’t pose too much of a threat. But the threat level isn’t zero, either, and the news that some other new chick might want him all to herself made me pretty antsy. Because, y’know…he’s bailed on me for someone else before. And this someone else is an unknown quantity; this someone else might make him fall head over heels in love to a point where I’m just totally obliterated from his mind.
So he told me about this maybe-not-all-that-poly new suitor, and I kept my voice nonchalant and asked “So…if she does want monogamy, what are the chances that you’ll give it to her?”
He said the chances are slim to none because look what happened last time. I rolled the idea around in my head that he might have meant “I can’t be monogamous to someone else because, as we know from experience, I’m too into you not to fuck you.” But I know better than to assume that anything The Pedant says is a declaration of feeling toward me. I either asked for clarification or he added on his own: “I offered monogamy to her and then she dumped me.”
This is a weird thing for him to say because it implies that she dumped him because he offered her monogamy and that’s not what happened. The relationship ended for other reasons. Also, though:
“It…kinda sounds like you’re saying you’re eschewing monogamy solely because there’s no guarantee that that a relationship will last forever,” I said.
“No, no. It’s more like, I’ve put a lot of work into my current relationships, and it seems ridiculous to just drop all of that for someone else. I mean, let me put it this way: even if OtherGirl wanted to be with me again and wanted me all to herself, I wouldn’t go for it. Because look what happened last time – I asked her for exclusivity and she broke up with me just a few weeks later.”
“Okay, but again, you’re talking about this like if you knew the person wanting monogamy would stay with you forever, you would toss everyone else aside.”
The Pedant insisted that’s not what he meant and that it was really more a matter of loyalty to his current, long-standing partners. I call bullshit on that since the whole “but what if I commit to just one person and she immediately breaks up with me” thing came up twice. But there never is a guarantee of forever, on any relationship, so either way I suppose I’m safe from the cull for now.
Oddly, The Pedant went on to say that OtherGirl had never realized he was so serious about her; apparently she thought he was basically just using her for sex. “But…you asked her to be exclusive with you. She even broke things off with other people to be with you.” He said that somehow even that didn’t clue her in that he considered things serious – and added that she was only seeing one other person, anyway, and wasn’t all that into said other person. He said she wasn’t poly per se, just in a casually dating around phase. This is in direct conflict with what he told me before. I don’t believe he lies to me but he certainly seems to interpret events in whatever way suits him and then change his interpretation later. It bothers me. I value consistency in people.
Anyway. I’m not worrying about his other partners at the moment. I’m aware that maybe something will happen down the road that disrupts The Pedant and I. But I’m sure that won’t be for a while, if at all. He’s understated in his behaviour toward me but he has said some stuff here and there about how I seem to “get” him more than most people, and that fundamental parts of his nature that I really like have been grounds for other people breaking up with him. He’s not taking me for granted. I do think he meant it at least a little when he said he wouldn’t want to give up our long-standing relationship for something new.
A little after that conversation we had another round of our same old argument where I tell him that he’s good at dealing with people’s mental issues – or mine, anyway – and he keeps arguing that he’s not. I told him that no, he has excellent instincts – with me, at least – and I cited the other day when he talked me down from a big anxiety fit.
He kept shaking his head no and he said “I don’t engage well with other people’s emotions. I never have.”
“You’re not engaging with my emotions, though. And I don’t want you to. This is not emotions. This is simple ‘if/then’ statements. If X, then Y.”
“Then why did you use the word ‘instincts’?”
“…Hmmm. You’re right. I misspoke. Let’s say ‘problem solving skills’ instead.”
“Yeah, well, most people don’t want problem solving. They want empathy.”
“But, I mean…imagine if someone was drowning in the middle of a lake. What’s gonna help them more, someone drowning right next to them going ‘oh, I know, this just sucks, doesn’t it?’ or someone standing on the shore with a rope?”
“In my experience, most people prefer to have someone drowning next to them.”
“Well, they’re stupid.”
I told The Pedant that for quite some time now I’ve considered anxiety and depression to be a red flag in a potential partner because I know from experience that when I’m around people with the same mental issues as me, we tend to exacerbate each other. Wind each other up or bring each other down or whatever. He said yeah, sometimes there’s a really obvious “fatal flaw” waiting to destroy a relationship and if you can see one of those, you should just run, no matter how amazing the person is. He said that with him and that one ex gf from years ago (who is totally his “one who got away” – turns out they were only together for two weeks but he’s never stopped being sad over her) the fatal flaw is that he can’t read nonverbal cues and needs people to be blunt, while she is made up entirely of nonverbal cues and assumes everyone will understand her. And this backfired spectacularly.*
Hearing him say that reinforces for me that I am good for him. And he knows I’m good for him.
All this talking, btw, happened in the hours directly after The Pedant arrived. Normally I fuck him immediately but he had warned me ahead of time that he would need some time to decompress from work first. And indeed, when he did his customary disrobing upon entering my home, he left his boxer briefs on as a pretty unsubtle hint that his junk was off limits.
After we’d eaten and talked a bunch, we watched some episodes of Archer while The Pedant petted me, which always lulls me into a sleepy stupor. I was half-dozing when he said “We should move to the bed.” I murmured my agreement but was too comfy and lazy to get up just yet. I remained lying on the couch and The Pedant went to the bathroom. When he came out again, he’d taken the boxer briefs off and was kind of standing over me with his cock already slightly inflated, waiting for me to acknowledge him.
Truth be told I was genuinely tired and ready for bed by that time, but I couldn’t bear to refuse the bounty being offered to me so plainly. As soon as I got up and pressed my body against his, he got an erection. So hot. Dance, puppet, dance!
I kept the sex more brief than usual because I really was tired. But as I rode him I said “mine” and it made his breath hitch, which I loved. A few thrusts later I said “Say it. Say you’re mine.”
Immediately, without any shyness or hesitation, The Pedant whispered, “I’m yours.” And a few minutes later as he got to the edge he said it again, unbidden: “I’m yours. I’m yours. I’m yoooouuurs–“and then he shuddered with coming and that set off a full-out braingasm in me that made me shudder, too. And I put my face in the crook of his neck and had a little happy-cry, still knelt on top of him with his softening cock inside me.
Maybe he only likes the idea of being “mine” on a sexual level and it’s not any big declaration of devotion, but I’ll take what I can get.
*I believe the story is that The One Who Got Away is bi, and she and The Pedant discussed the possibility of a threesome with an old fuckbuddy of his. She was on board. The fuckbuddy was propositioned and she too was on board. But a day or two before the threesome was supposed to happen, The Pedant went and fucked the fuckbuddy one-on-one. TOWGA had been under the impression that she and The Pedant were exclusive and just looking for a unicorn to spice up their relationship, so she felt totally betrayed by The Pedant sexing the other chick. She deemed it cheating and/or told him he was stupid not to realize it would upset her, and she dumped him.